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What to do with FMIL?

So I know I've complained before about how hard it is to deal with FMIL, but this ones had me frustrate for about a month. Kind of long so te short version-FMIL is a pushy judgmental racist bitch and in trying not to strangle her.

She came over for Passover last month and was on a roll. She was insistent that we push the wedding up to this August since we've been taking forever. I was out of work for awhile and now FI is taking a turn on unemployment so planning a big wedding had been on the back burner.

I skipped bean dipping and flat out told her that we are shooting for next march and August was not even up for discussion. Apparently this means I don't care if any of her family can come. She is holding a 10 year memorial for FI's late grandmother and everyone will be in town in August. 1) while I know its not my day I don't want to share the day or weekend with a memorial service 2) only one person who will be in town is close enough to FI to be on the guest list.

After this conversation was over she decided to top herself and tell me if FI doesn't find a job in the next few months I need to call off the engagement. If he can't provide for me there is no reason to stay with him. Again no bean dip just told her that I have never been in this for the money and if I have to support us and pay for the wedding I'm ok with that and none of this is any of her concern. She brought it up again and FI told her to STFU or leave.

The last and worst straw was at the end of the night before bed. She saw a picture of my friend's daughter and asked who it was. I told her and she said she was lucky she's cute for a mulatto baby which is at least something. FI had to hold me back while I lost my crap and her defense was she wasn't implying all black people are ignorant she was referring to Oakland black people. Guess what my "niece" lives in Oakland. I honestly have no clue what I said because I went off and FI told her she needed to be gone in the morning.

I have spent a month ignoring her calls, texts, everything. FI finally picked up the other day and she was furious at me because not answering has prevented her from knowing when FSSs baseball games are. He explained why and her version of an apology was "I'm sorry afox is so sensitive. I have black friends I just like to joke about the stereotype."

At this point we are keeping her at a distance until we can handle seeing her without hitting her. I just don't know how I can go forward and just brush that night off.
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Re: What to do with FMIL?

  • Well handled. Bean dipping isn't always the answer. More often than not I think being direct is the answer. As far as brushing it off, it seems best for you both to keep her at a distance. I can forgive people but if it was for the way they normally act, they will have very few chances to interact with me, family or not. I am sorry she is such a hosebeast. Both of my MILS were rockstars.
  • Holy cow, she really told you to dump her son if he doesn't find a job right away? Crazy person.

    I agree that your best course of action is to lay low. You have time before the wedding to see how things continue to play out.

    And on the part about not getting to see her grandson's baseball games, with her shitty behavior, if I were your FI, I'd be telling her to start showing respect if she wants to get to be around any of you, including FSS.
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  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Gross. My FILs are racist and judgmental too. FI had to keep me from "spilling" my wine on FMIL when they brought up Ferguson at the dinner table. Sorry you're dealing with this, it really stinks.


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  • blabla89 said:

    Gross. My FILs are racist and judgmental too. FI had to keep me from "spilling" my wine on FMIL when they brought up Ferguson at the dinner table. Sorry you're dealing with this, it really stinks.


    Spill the mashed potatoes on her - you will need that wine!
    anjemonhellosweetie1015
  • oh my goodness, that's rough.  Agree with others that laying low is the best thing, you've tried the direct approach and that hasn't worked so sounds like you're kind of SOL in dealing with her craziness. That's awesome you have been direct and not just listened to her spew nonsense and not spoke up. 

    Seems like another instance where FI needs to be the main contact with his mom and the bulk of the interaction (such as telling, or not telling, when baseball games are, talking about the memorial, wedding plan, etc)

  • Ugh. I feel your pain because my FMIL is also an abusive shitshow. My FI can't stand being around her, and I always say "You can't choose your family, but you do get to choose what kind of relationship you want to have with them." In this case, it's as little relationship as possible.
  • Wow.... just wow. My jaw dropped more than once while reading that post. I'm a pretty damn patient, forgiving person (I mean, look at all the garbage I've put up with from my own family) but racism is one of the very few things that I would never forgive. Not a chance. 

    I think you need to keep some PERMANENT distance from her; not just till you calm down. If she's always like this, you'll never be able to tolerate her well. I wouldn't even want to try after that bullshit. Keep that crazy bitch out of your house and continue not answering her calls. 

    I commend you for handling the whole thing so well. And I'm sorry you even had to put up with it in the first place. 
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  • AlisonM23 said:

    Holy cow, she really told you to dump her son if he doesn't find a job right away? Crazy person.

    I agree that your best course of action is to lay low. You have time before the wedding to see how things continue to play out.

    And on the part about not getting to see her grandson's baseball games, with her shitty behavior, if I were your FI, I'd be telling her to start showing respect if she wants to get to be around any of you, including FSS.

    Ya I was baffled that she would tell me to leave him. I was unemployed for almost a year and FI supported me. I don't know why it shouldn't work the other way around.
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  • Wow.... just wow. My jaw dropped more than once while reading that post. I'm a pretty damn patient, forgiving person (I mean, look at all the garbage I've put up with from my own family) but racism is one of the very few things that I would never forgive. Not a chance. 


    I think you need to keep some PERMANENT distance from her; not just till you calm down. If she's always like this, you'll never be able to tolerate her well. I wouldn't even want to try after that bullshit. Keep that crazy bitch out of your house and continue not answering her calls. 

    I commend you for handling the whole thing so well. And I'm sorry you even had to put up with it in the first place. 
    Honestly I should have seen the racist bull shit coming. One year she had a few of her neighbors join us for Passover and told them she was glad they came because since Passover is about slavery we needed some black people to celebrate with us.

    There may end up being some more permanent distance. FI realized he feels much better about himself side we stopped talking to her. We're also both in agreement that if we have to choose between FMIL and my friend and niece at the wedding FMIL loses.
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  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    "I can't be racist, I have black friends" seems like it's been coming up a lot lately.

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    theartistformerlyknownasashley8918KatieinBklnlittlepep
  • "I can't be racist, I have black friends" seems like it's been coming up a lot lately.

    That's not how it works? I thought her making the slave comments to her friends a few years ago was totally legit.

    Really need a sarcasm font because that sentence makes me sound awful!
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Push her off a cliff.

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    BlergbotKatieinBkln
  • afox007afox007 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer

    Push her off a cliff.

    I think this is my favorite solution so far! 
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    kmmssgtheartistformerlyknownas
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