Moms and Maids

Not sure about my MOH

I picked my MOH shortly after I became engaged (last July). She was on board with everything and willing to help out with ideas and planning. I think things started to go a little downhill then because we've grown in the last few years and my style has changed. I'm in the military (marrying a military man), so having the wedding and reception back home really wasn't an option for us. Between PCSing and paying for the wedding, I didn't have enough money to come home to discuss every little detail. My MOH chose to fly up to see us for a visit so we could go dress shopping. I never asked her to because I know flights cost money, but I did appreciate her help. My MOH has had little interest in talking about anything but her problems with men. I've made sure that we have time to discuss things other than the wedding, but it seems like when I do bring up the wedding she only puts down my thoughts because we don't have the same style and it's not what she would want for her wedding. My cousin and best friend have decided to host a small bridal shower once everyone arrives in town for the wedding weekend, and this offended my MOH. My cousin had contacted her several times so they could plan something together, and my cousin is planning things I would feel more comfortable at. I would feel awkward and embarrassed at the stereotypical bachelorette party, which is what my MOH wants to plan for the night before the wedding. My cousin is planning a sweet shower to that our older and younger family members can attend. The night before the wedding was already planned out by my fiance and I. I've discussed this with my MOH and repeatedly given her timelines that the planner has made (she keeps losing them and won't search through emails to find them). From day one, my fiance and I chose not to have separate bachelor/bachelorette parties.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like she wants this day to be about her, and I don't necessarily think it should be about any one person. (I believe a marriage is between two people, but the wedding is a celebration for everyone.) It just seems like everything has been more of a hassle than it should be from scheduling hair and makeup (she was upset I didn't book her as a bride and she wants at least 1.5 hours for just her hair) to figuring out accommodations the night before the wedding (I had already booked a room for myself because our apartment will be full of people - and she knew this, and I'm getting ready there), to complaining that there would be no head table at the wedding (we want a sweetheart table), to complaining she won't have a date (I can't make her boyfriend go, but she said she might bring her mom), to complaining about the wedding rehearsal (it's an hour before the ceremony - small ceremony no need for huge rehearsal), to my fiance and I going to the spa together before everyone arrives (we wanted a moment to relax together before we run around all over the city for several days), to simply just being there. My wedding is in just 22 days so I'm trying to enjoy the last few weeks, but its seems like she is adding to the stress instead of helping take care of stress. I feel like instead of relaxing and celebrating that weekend, I will be babysitting her.

Re: Not sure about my MOH

  • While it isn't her job to help you plan your wedding or throw you parties, she is being difficult.  I would honestly make sure she has all the information she needs and don't babysit her.  She is an adult and is responsible to be where she needs to be when she needs to be there.  Do not her make you late for your wedding.  Make your expectations low and let it go.
  • hmr08hmr08 member
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2015
    I know it isn't her job to help plan the wedding or throw parties, but when we talked about wedding things she actually brought up the planning. So I would tell her how we wanted things to look and she would immediately shoot it down. I never asked her (or anyone) to throw a party because I knew that being in different states would make that rather difficult, and I'm also not the party type. She insists on doing the raunchy bachelorette party because the shower my cousin is planning isn't enough. Those parties just aren't my thing!

    Thanks for the advice. I've set my expectations lower than I really thought I would. I'm just hoping for a beautiful wedding day and to celebrate with family and friends that we don't get to see often enough! I think I just needed to vent because I know I won't want to babysit that weekend and I don't want her glued to my side throughout the entire event.
  • Sometimes a good vent is all it takes to see something in a different light.  And remember, if she is flaky on  your wedding day, it is YOUR choice whether or not you let it bother you.  You can let that become something emotional OR you can choose to savor every minuted of your wedding day!
    OliveOilsMomlevioosahaleyk620
  • When you say you talk about wedding things, you're inevitably bringing up wedding planning. Just say you'll be declining any raunchy parties ("not my cup of teac" followed by subject change") If she keeps bringing it up I would just say "I really can't talk wedding stuff, it's X days away and I just need a break. hows your____?" I'm sure your wedding will be lovely :)


  • It sounds like the root of the problem is wedding talk. If all wedding talked stopped, I think the problem would also disappear. What did you talk about before the engagement? Go back to that.
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    lnixon8
  • hmr08hmr08 member
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment
    I've been purposely avoiding wedding talk unless she brings it up. The main thing I wanted to talk about was the bridesmaid dress. But after that I just didn't want to go through the planning with her or anyone - that's why I have a planner to help me! We talked about a lot of things before, but it seems like we're different people now. I honestly think part of the problem is that she wants to act like we're in college and go out and party all the time. I've grown up a bit (the military will do that) and I'm more interested in settling down. It's not that I want to do everything with my fiancé, but I don't want to spend my time at clubs or out late every night.

    Who knows, hopefully it will all blow ever soon.
  • hmr08 said:

    I picked my MOH shortly after I became engaged (last July). She was on board with everything and willing to help out with ideas and planning. I think things started to go a little downhill then because we've grown in the last few years and my style has changed. I'm in the military (marrying a military man), so having the wedding and reception back home really wasn't an option for us. Between PCSing and paying for the wedding, I didn't have enough money to come home to discuss every little detail. My MOH chose to fly up to see us for a visit so we could go dress shopping. I never asked her to because I know flights cost money, but I did appreciate her help. My MOH has had little interest in talking about anything but her problems with men. I've made sure that we have time to discuss things other than the wedding, but it seems like when I do bring up the wedding she only puts down my thoughts because we don't have the same style and it's not what she would want for her wedding. My cousin and best friend have decided to host a small bridal shower once everyone arrives in town for the wedding weekend, and this offended my MOH. My cousin had contacted her several times so they could plan something together, and my cousin is planning things I would feel more comfortable at. I would feel awkward and embarrassed at the stereotypical bachelorette party, which is what my MOH wants to plan for the night before the wedding. My cousin is planning a sweet shower to that our older and younger family members can attend. The night before the wedding was already planned out by my fiance and I. I've discussed this with my MOH and repeatedly given her timelines that the planner has made (she keeps losing them and won't search through emails to find them). From day one, my fiance and I chose not to have separate bachelor/bachelorette parties.

    I just don't know what to do. I feel like she wants this day to be about her, and I don't necessarily think it should be about any one person. (I believe a marriage is between two people, but the wedding is a celebration for everyone.) It just seems like everything has been more of a hassle than it should be from scheduling hair and makeup (she was upset I didn't book her as a bride and she wants at least 1.5 hours for just her hair) to figuring out accommodations the night before the wedding (I had already booked a room for myself because our apartment will be full of people - and she knew this, and I'm getting ready there), to complaining that there would be no head table at the wedding (we want a sweetheart table), to complaining she won't have a date (I can't make her boyfriend go, but she said she might bring her mom), to complaining about the wedding rehearsal (it's an hour before the ceremony - small ceremony no need for huge rehearsal), to my fiance and I going to the spa together before everyone arrives (we wanted a moment to relax together before we run around all over the city for several days), to simply just being there. My wedding is in just 22 days so I'm trying to enjoy the last few weeks, but its seems like she is adding to the stress instead of helping take care of stress. I feel like instead of relaxing and celebrating that weekend, I will be babysitting her.

    hmr08 said:

    I know it isn't her job to help plan the wedding or throw parties, but when we talked about wedding things she actually brought up the planning. So I would tell her how we wanted things to look and she would immediately shoot it down. I never asked her (or anyone) to throw a party because I knew that being in different states would make that rather difficult, and I'm also not the party type. She insists on doing the raunchy bachelorette party because the shower my cousin is planning isn't enough. Those parties just aren't my thing!

    Thanks for the advice. I've set my expectations lower than I really thought I would. I'm just hoping for a beautiful wedding day and to celebrate with family and friends that we don't get to see often enough! I think I just needed to vent because I know I won't want to babysit that weekend and I don't want her glued to my side throughout the entire event.

    hmr08 said:

    I've been purposely avoiding wedding talk unless she brings it up. The main thing I wanted to talk about was the bridesmaid dress. But after that I just didn't want to go through the planning with her or anyone - that's why I have a planner to help me! We talked about a lot of things before, but it seems like we're different people now. I honestly think part of the problem is that she wants to act like we're in college and go out and party all the time. I've grown up a bit (the military will do that) and I'm more interested in settling down. It's not that I want to do everything with my fiancé, but I don't want to spend my time at clubs or out late every night.

    Who knows, hopefully it will all blow ever soon.

    Life will do that.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    sophhabobophathespeshulestsnowflakehmr08
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