I wish I'd ignored etiquette. Would this have been unreasonable?

madamerwin

lyndausvi pointed out, the number of accepts you'll get is a complete crap shoot. You could have ended up with 99% attendance, in which case your attitude right now would probably be a little different.

I get that it sucks, but you did the right thing following etiquette. B-listing is never the answer, and since time machines don't exist yet, there is absolutely nothing you can do about changing your venue or guest list. 

flantastic

Butterflyz419 said:

Well I do believe that and I'll always believe it because I don't go to weddings for myself. Other people's weddings are not about me. As is so often repeated here, other people don't care about your wedding as much as you. I accept that and therefore believe that a couple should have the wedding that brings them the most joy as I will mostly forget about it. I will not understand what there is to be offended about many of the things that people complain about here. 

And if it's a first world problem to complain that one has more people to invite than their 100-person venue would hold, it's just as much a first world problem to complain that you weren't somebody else's first choice when determining their guest list. Neither are serious matters if we're going to go for larger context. I also find it silly that it is continuously dismissed here that it is possible that some people legitimately don't care about these "rules" whether they're the hosts or the guests. I'm not following the rules because they're the rules, and I don't sneer at or side-eye the weddings of others based on these rules. I've said it here before and I'll say it again. If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.

You don't have control over whether you're blessed enough to have a lot of friends and enough money to host them. You do have control over whether you're a jerk about hosting them, no matter what economic stratum you are in. So no, these two are not equivalent.

Sometimes people need help sorting through what it means, specifically, for them not to be an asshole to people. There's a reason people write Miss Manners with specific questions too.

photokitty

Butterflyz419 said:

Well I do believe that and I'll always believe it because I don't go to weddings for myself. Other people's weddings are not about me. As is so often repeated here, other people don't care about your wedding as much as you. I accept that and therefore believe that a couple should have the wedding that brings them the most joy as I will mostly forget about it. I will not understand what there is to be offended about many of the things that people complain about here. 

And if it's a first world problem to complain that one has more people to invite than their 100-person venue would hold, it's just as much a first world problem to complain that you weren't somebody else's first choice when determining their guest list. Neither are serious matters if we're going to go for larger context. I also find it silly that it is continuously dismissed here that it is possible that some people legitimately don't care about these "rules" whether they're the hosts or the guests. I'm not following the rules because they're the rules, and I don't sneer at or side-eye the weddings of others based on these rules. I've said it here before and I'll say it again. If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.

Your rationale is flawed.

This is like suggesting: Having Cancer is a FWP, as opposed to malaria.

To suggest people should do something rude bc you don't find it rude, is not sage advice. You might not find it rude it people fart in public, but to suggest someone go ahead and rip one off in an interview would not be good advice - bc it could offend the interviewer and have negative results.

It is best to try to avoid offending people by practicing proper etiquette (like not B listing), but not being offended or over looking such offenses (as you do) if someone applies poor etiquette to you IRL. Being gracious is always proper.

mollybear90

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

flantastic

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.

mollybear90

photokitty said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Well I do believe that and I'll always believe it because I don't go to weddings for myself. Other people's weddings are not about me. As is so often repeated here, other people don't care about your wedding as much as you. I accept that and therefore believe that a couple should have the wedding that brings them the most joy as I will mostly forget about it. I will not understand what there is to be offended about many of the things that people complain about here. 

And if it's a first world problem to complain that one has more people to invite than their 100-person venue would hold, it's just as much a first world problem to complain that you weren't somebody else's first choice when determining their guest list. Neither are serious matters if we're going to go for larger context. I also find it silly that it is continuously dismissed here that it is possible that some people legitimately don't care about these "rules" whether they're the hosts or the guests. I'm not following the rules because they're the rules, and I don't sneer at or side-eye the weddings of others based on these rules. I've said it here before and I'll say it again. If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.

Your rationale is flawed.

This is like suggesting: Having Cancer is a FWP, as opposed to malaria.

To suggest people should do something rude bc you don't find it rude, is not sage advice. You might not find it rude it people fart in public, but to suggest someone go ahead and rip one off in an interview would not be good advice - bc it could offend the interviewer and have negative results.

It is best to try to avoid offending people by practicing proper etiquette (like not B listing), but not being offended or over looking such offenses (as you do) if someone applies poor etiquette to you IRL. Being gracious is always proper.

If you would stop being bothered by such trivial things and claiming that all guests are as snarky as you, nobody would feel like they have to tear their hair out over every aspect of their planning, trying to appease people who don't need to be appeased.

lyndausvi

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

Why is it mutually exclusive?

I can be happy for a couple getting married without being at the event.   True story.   I do not have to be at the actual event to be happy and supportive.  ETA - and the flip side - I can attend a wedding,  still be happy and supportive of a couple and still think they are shitty hosts.

However, if I'm invited to an event I do not think I'm wrong for expecting to be hosted properly.    I do not like being thought of as an afterthought.  That is exactly what b-listing does.  You are flat out being told you are not good enough to witness the event unless someone more important declines.     That very act puts a bad taste in my mouth.  Just don't invite me.  I will be happy and supportive.

I think Emily Gilmore on the Gilmore Girls called is "a pity invite".   And to me, that is what is sounds like.   It's like "oh, I have to fill seats, who can we call to get more buts in these seats".    I understand that might not be your intention, but that is what it feels like to me.

Other things I expect is to be feed the appropriate amount of food for the time of day and hosted in a appropriate climate (ie. no extreme temperatures) and do not make me open my wallet.

Notice I didn't say I expect full open bar and lobster.   Cake and punch is fine, as long as it's afternoon wedding. Do not feed me cake and punch at 6pm.    

I get people have to make cuts for weddings.   I can still be happy for the couple without being invited to the wedding.   Why

TrixieJess

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

This is not true. I have judged people and stopped being friends with people because of the way they treated people at weddings and other events. If you do not treat those who you are closest to with respect, you will find that you have less and less people in your life after your wedding. I know people who it has happened to. 

Maybe listen to the majority of the people who are telling you that following etiquette is a good thing, it will allow you to maintain your relationships better. 

mollybear90

flantastic said:

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.

Apparently I can only speak for myself, but for me it's true. If I'm happy for them, I'm happy to celebrate their wedding their way.

mollybear90

TrixieJess said:

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

This is not true. I have judged people and stopped being friends with people because of the way they treated people at weddings and other events. If you do not treat those who you are closest to with respect, you will find that you have less and less people in your life after your wedding. I know people who it has happened to. 

Maybe listen to the majority of the people who are telling you that following etiquette is a good thing, it will allow you to maintain your relationships better. 

Respect goes both ways - stop being so judgmental. If their intentions aren't malicious (and who's honestly planning with the intent to make their guests uncomfortable?), then if you're upset that's on you, not them. Majority of people on this board does not equal majority of people actually attending my wedding. 

huskypuppy14

mollybear90 said:

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.

Apparently I can only speak for myself, but for me it's true. If I'm happy for them, I'm happy to celebrate their wedding their way.

Yes, you can only speak for yourself. Just because you don't think something is rude, doesn't mean it's not. 

Also, I can be happy for someone and still be pissed that I don't have a chair, or not enough food. 

mollybear90

huskypuppy14 said:

mollybear90 said:

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.

Apparently I can only speak for myself, but for me it's true. If I'm happy for them, I'm happy to celebrate their wedding their way.

Yes, you can only speak for yourself. Just because you don't think something is rude, doesn't mean it's not. 

Also, I can be happy for someone and still be pissed that I don't have a chair, or not enough food. 

Just because you think something is rude, doesn't mean it is. Your opinion doesn't count for more than mine. 

redoryx

mollybear90 said:

flantastic said:

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.

Apparently I can only speak for myself, but for me it's true. If I'm happy for them, I'm happy to celebrate their wedding their way.

And you're allowed to feel that way, but that doesn't mean the rest of us are wrong.

Here's the thing: when you're a host, you can't make decisions based on what makes you uncomfortable or not. You have to make decisions based on what would make your GUESTS uncomfortable. 

I have vegan and vegetarian friends. I'm hosting a party. Would I -- someone who eats meat -- care if there is only meat product food available at my party? Of course not. Would my non-meat-eating friends care? Absolutely and they'd be right to feel that way because it would be rude as a host to invite people to a party and not provide them with food they can eat. Would they say anything? No, because they are my friends and they love me and would suffer silently and if I was so self-absorbed that I didn't think to provide veg*an food for my veg*an friends, I probably would continue to thing that was okay.

PamBeesly524

mollybear90 said:@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 
Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

_____________________________ETA BOXES___________________________


OP, nobody said that as a guest they expect to be the couple's top priority, but I don't think it's a lot to ask to at least be invited at the same time as the other guests. Everyone invited to our wedding was invited because they are important to us. I didn't sit there and make a list of who was most important vs. who was second tier and should only be invited if x, y & z.

banana468

mollybear90 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

mollybear90 said:

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.

Apparently I can only speak for myself, but for me it's true. If I'm happy for them, I'm happy to celebrate their wedding their way.

Yes, you can only speak for yourself. Just because you don't think something is rude, doesn't mean it's not. 

Also, I can be happy for someone and still be pissed that I don't have a chair, or not enough food. 

Just because you think something is rude, doesn't mean it is. Your opinion doesn't count for more than mine. 

This isn't exactly true.  Something against etiquette isn't OK because you want it to be and you think it is.   You may be OK with something and heck, maybe even your guests are OK with it.   That doesn't mean it's acceptable behavior.

TrixieJess

mollybear90 said:

mollybear90 said:

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.

Apparently I can only speak for myself, but for me it's true. If I'm happy for them, I'm happy to celebrate their wedding their way.

Yes, you can only speak for yourself. Just because you don't think something is rude, doesn't mean it's not. 

Also, I can be happy for someone and still be pissed that I don't have a chair, or not enough food. 

Just because you think something is rude, doesn't mean it is. Your opinion doesn't count for more than mine. 

The problem is that it's the view of Etiquette that what you have proposed is rude. You asked a question on an Etiquette board, of people who know their shit, and then got all huffy and snotty when we told you that you were wrong. You are wrong, plain and simple. We are willing to tell you so, the people in your life may not. 

And it's not our opinion that will count in the end, your friends and family will judge you. They may not openly say anything, but they will judge you. Cover your ass, be a good hostess, follow etiquette, it's not fucking hard. I'm having an untraditional wedding and I'm still going to be a good hostess (chair for everyone, enough food and drinks, no gap, no b-list). A wedding is a celebration of a marriage and a reception is to THANK your GUESTS!

mollybear90

banana468 said:

mollybear90 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

mollybear90 said:

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.

Apparently I can only speak for myself, but for me it's true. If I'm happy for them, I'm happy to celebrate their wedding their way.

Yes, you can only speak for yourself. Just because you don't think something is rude, doesn't mean it's not. 

Also, I can be happy for someone and still be pissed that I don't have a chair, or not enough food. 

Just because you think something is rude, doesn't mean it is. Your opinion doesn't count for more than mine. 

This isn't exactly true.  Something against etiquette isn't OK because you want it to be and you think it is.   You may be OK with something and heck, maybe even your guests are OK with it.   That doesn't mean it's acceptable behavior.

"Maybe even your guests are okay with it." Isn't that the point? Why worry yourself over what's in the book as "right" if your guests don't care?

mrscomposer

mollybear90 said:

We've gotten some declines to our invitations, and at this rate, I'm pretty sure we're going to end up with less than 100 guests even including our coworkers. I'm feeling a bit let down that we most likely could have had our wedding at our dream venue, and my coworkers would've been able to join us. It didn't occur to me at the time that I could have gone with the nicer venue, and told my coworkers that I would extend them an invitation if the room opened up. When I first started planning, I immersed myself in wedding etiquette. I became too worried about offending people, and I forgot that my guests are rational, understanding, kind people. Seriously - I asked my best coworker friend this morning if she would've been offended if I'd gone with the dream venue and having to "b-list" her, and her response was, "Why didn't you do that?!" Even with the chance that she wouldn't have been able to attend, she would've loved to see the pictures from our wedding at the other venue. It's making me wish I'd asked her that question a year ago.

 

Okay, OP, this is what it boils down to for me.  All discussion about B-listing and not B-listing aside, you don't know yet if you would have been under the limit for your dream venue.  You said 'at this rate'.  Until you know for absolute sure and for certain, this is all moot.  If everyone else who has yet to reply replies that they are coming, and you're over the 100 people, that means that you had a discussion with your best coworker friend basically about regretting the fact that you went with a larger venue and invited her.  Nice.

banana468

mollybear90 said:

banana468 said:

mollybear90 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

mollybear90 said:

mollybear90 said:

@Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 

Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.

THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.

Apparently I can only speak for myself, but for me it's true. If I'm happy for them, I'm happy to celebrate their wedding their way.

Yes, you can only speak for yourself. Just because you don't think something is rude, doesn't mean it's not. 

Also, I can be happy for someone and still be pissed that I don't have a chair, or not enough food. 

Just because you think something is rude, doesn't mean it is. Your opinion doesn't count for more than mine. 

This isn't exactly true.  Something against etiquette isn't OK because you want it to be and you think it is.   You may be OK with something and heck, maybe even your guests are OK with it.   That doesn't mean it's acceptable behavior.

"Maybe even your guests are okay with it." Isn't that the point? Why worry yourself over what's in the book as "right" if your guests don't care?

Because unless you check with all of them there's a pretty good chance that something deemed to be unacceptable will offend some.

drunkenwitch

Oh, right, you're situation is unique and special and different and therefore rules don't apply to you.  We have literally never heard that before.

Again I ask, why are on an etiquette board complaining about etiquette.  Then getting your panties, wig, petticoats and belt all twisted when we tell you

You are getting married (I hope to the man of your dreams and not a random prop you are stuffing into a tuxedo so you can fulfill your "wedding vision") surrounded by friends and family and all we hear from is " I just feel like I missed out and it's upsetting me." Your words, BTW, because of a building.  A.Building. A building.  Because of a building.

climbingsingle

OP, time to put your big girl panties on and get the fuck over it. You have almost 100 people coming to celebrate your wedding. You're (hopefully) marrying a person you're madly in love with. That should be enough. If you feel cheated because you didn't book a certain building, well then I don't know what to tell you. 

You know what made my wedding special and unforgettable? Having my loved ones there, and marrying my husband. You could have dumped me in a field in a fucking potato sack to get married and I still would have been on cloud 9. 

BrinkyDink16

mollybear90 said:

What do you guys think? Is it ever okay to go against etiquette? Why don't people just ask their guests what they would find offensive, rather than assuming it might be rude and potentially losing out on something they really want?

Has anybody else gone through a realization like this? I just feel like I missed out and it's upsetting me.

Of course it's okay!  Doing what's right for you is always okay, and like @Butterflyz419 said if there was only one right way to do things there'd be absolutely no need for discussion.  Different strokes for different folks you know?

I'm sorry you're upset with the outcome though but at this point there's probably nothing to be done about the location.  Just use the lesson learned for future choices about the wedding.  Don't think about what you "should" do, think about what you and FH "want" to do.  Cause in the end it's all about the two of you having an awesome day to mark the start of your lives together

photokitty

photokitty said:

Butterflyz419 said:

Well I do believe that and I'll always believe it because I don't go to weddings for myself. Other people's weddings are not about me. As is so often repeated here, other people don't care about your wedding as much as you. I accept that and therefore believe that a couple should have the wedding that brings them the most joy as I will mostly forget about it. I will not understand what there is to be offended about many of the things that people complain about here. 

And if it's a first world problem to complain that one has more people to invite than their 100-person venue would hold, it's just as much a first world problem to complain that you weren't somebody else's first choice when determining their guest list. Neither are serious matters if we're going to go for larger context. I also find it silly that it is continuously dismissed here that it is possible that some people legitimately don't care about these "rules" whether they're the hosts or the guests. I'm not following the rules because they're the rules, and I don't sneer at or side-eye the weddings of others based on these rules. I've said it here before and I'll say it again. If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.

Your rationale is flawed.

This is like suggesting: Having Cancer is a FWP, as opposed to malaria.

To suggest people should do something rude bc you don't find it rude, is not sage advice. You might not find it rude it people fart in public, but to suggest someone go ahead and rip one off in an interview would not be good advice - bc it could offend the interviewer and have negative results.

It is best to try to avoid offending people by practicing proper etiquette (like not B listing), but not being offended or over looking such offenses (as you do) if someone applies poor etiquette to you IRL. Being gracious is always proper.

If you would stop being bothered by such trivial things and claiming that all guests are as snarky as you, nobody would feel like they have to tear their hair out over every aspect of their planning, trying to appease people who don't need to be appeased.

Oh, bless your heart.

and Get over yourself.

southernbelle0915

I'm curious @mollybear90 - why did you post this at all? 

You got a lot of helpful responses here trying to make you feel better about your good planning and telling you that you did the right thing. So what else, exactly, were you looking for? 

Were you looking to tell future brides that over-inviting is ok because your RSVPs came in low? Were you telling future brides that b-listing is ok because your feelings wouldn't be hurt? 

I'm confused by this and why you insist on dragging it out.

photokitty

Seriously, your whining and pretending ask for advice is annoying and lame. 

There is is nothing you can do, short of calling the dream venue, finding out if they are available, losing your deposit and sending out updated invites with the new ceremony location. If you want this location bad enough to hurt people's feelings, then I would expect you would want it enough that you'd be willing to pay extra to have it there BC OMGZZZZZ TEH PIX WILL BE AMAZEBALLS!!!!11!!!1!!!

anjemon

OP, I know the feeling a little. H and I had picked out a gorgeous venue we completely loved. It could fit our guest list. But when we got the proposal back, it was EXPENSIVE. We were spending almost double what we wanted on expensive food and a nice location. 

So we reassessed. We went looking and found a place that was cheaper in rent and in food. It was also lovely. For awhile I was a little sad when I looked at the gorgeous venue, knowing we were missing out on it.

But now that the wedding is over, I am SO happy we did what we did. 1 - I wouldn't have wanted to spend that money. We can throw that money at a house or something we can enjoy longer than 6 hours. 2 - We made the new venue absolutely lovely. We decorated with things we loved and it was gorgeous. 3 - We can think of things that wouldn't have been as good at the expensive place. There were things that were not ideal about the original space and the setup. We had money for fancier hosting because we weren't throwing it all at the building. Maybe focus on the benefits of the new place, like the people you got to include.

TL;DR - Perhaps you can think of things that are better about your new venue than the old one. I'm sure there are some. And maybe you can find ways to use the old venue later in life. Go take pictures there. Or host an anniversary party there. I understand being disappointed, but dwelling on it doesn't really help.

lovemesomemonster

I will start by saying I'm sorry you didn't get your first choice of venue, that can sting. With that said, I think you did the right thing by accommodating everyone you wanted to invite regardless of the outcome, it would have been terrible if everyone RSVPd yes and you didn't have the room. I'm sure your day will be lovely but I understand the sting of it right now. 

We are getting married at a historic lodge that comes with a price tag. There are a couple of options for reception sites and the cost ranges significantly. I went with the biggest and most expensive one even with knowing that we are doing this in the winter, and everyone is traveling so we most likely won't get even close to 100% attendance. I will most likely be out a couple thousand dollars and yes, it will sting, but in the event we do get more saying "yes" than we thought we will be covered so I will get over it.

redoryx

Look, everything else aside, can you at least take pictures there maybe? It's not the same as having the reception there obviously but it's an alternative.

flbride2015

mrscomposer said:

mollybear90 said:

We've gotten some declines to our invitations, and at this rate, I'm pretty sure we're going to end up with less than 100 guests even including our coworkers. I'm feeling a bit let down that we most likely could have had our wedding at our dream venue, and my coworkers would've been able to join us. It didn't occur to me at the time that I could have gone with the nicer venue, and told my coworkers that I would extend them an invitation if the room opened up. When I first started planning, I immersed myself in wedding etiquette. I became too worried about offending people, and I forgot that my guests are rational, understanding, kind people. Seriously - I asked my best coworker friend this morning if she would've been offended if I'd gone with the dream venue and having to "b-list" her, and her response was, "Why didn't you do that?!" Even with the chance that she wouldn't have been able to attend, she would've loved to see the pictures from our wedding at the other venue. It's making me wish I'd asked her that question a year ago.

 

Okay, OP, this is what it boils down to for me.  All discussion about B-listing and not B-listing aside, you don't know yet if you would have been under the limit for your dream venue.  You said 'at this rate'.  Until you know for absolute sure and for certain, this is all moot.  If everyone else who has yet to reply replies that they are coming, and you're over the 100 people, that means that you had a discussion with your best coworker friend basically about regretting the fact that you went with a larger venue and invited her.  Nice.

This. So much this. You seriously just told your coworker you regret inviting her. And that you shouldn't have invited her and instead b-listed her. I highly doubt she was being honest when she said she wouldn't have mindd beng b-listed. Or maybe after hearing you tell her you regret inviting her in the first place she already feels like getting b-listed would have been less rude then being told her invite has destroyed your opportunity to have your dream venue.

SP29

OP, why can't you take some wedding photos at this architectural venue? Seems that would solve a lot of your problems- beautiful photos, well hosted wedding.

Otherwise, I don't get the point of this post. You complained about following etiquette, then asked if it's ever right to ignore etiquette. People (on an etiquette board) tell you no, you did the right thing, AND gave you some great options about the desired venue (host a party there, take photos there). Yet you didn't acknowledge any of that and keep referring that the problem is you wanted this venue for your wedding. Which sounds a lot like prioritizing a building over guests- I'm in the camp of "it's a building". If this building is so important, find another way to be "involved" with it.