Wedding Etiquette Forum

I wish I'd ignored etiquette. Would this have been unreasonable?

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Re: I wish I'd ignored etiquette. Would this have been unreasonable?

  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    SP29 said:

    OP, why can't you take some wedding photos at this architectural venue? Seems that would solve a lot of your problems- beautiful photos, well hosted wedding.



    OP, I just wanted to second this suggestion. DH and I met a museum (well, online, but first meeting was at the museum). The cost to get married/reception at that museum is ungodly. We asked permission to have our portraits there, and were granted permission. Now I have some awesome photos of us there, but had the reception at a much more cost effective place. I hope this idea works for you. 
    ________________________________


    SP29badbnagdway
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    I'm less than 7 weeks out from my wedding, and now that we're getting our RSVP's in, I'm a little disappointed. Our first-choice venue was a beautiful, architecturally-significant, historical home. Unfortunately, its maximum capacity is 100 guests. That meant that we would've been able to invite our families and closest friends, but our coworkers would need to be dropped from the guest list. I work at an architectural firm, and I'm pretty close to my coworkers. I felt bad that the people who were most likely to to appreciate the architectural venue would be the ones who wouldn't be able to come, so we ultimately decided on a bigger, more boring venue so that we could invite them all.


    We've gotten some declines to our invitations, and at this rate, I'm pretty sure we're going to end up with less than 100 guests even including our coworkers. I'm feeling a bit let down that we most likely could have had our wedding at our dream venue, and my coworkers would've been able to join us. It didn't occur to me at the time that I could have gone with the nicer venue, and told my coworkers that I would extend them an invitation if the room opened up. No actually, you COULDN'T have done this because this is extremely tacky and rude.  When I first started planning, I immersed myself in wedding etiquette. I became too worried about offending people- that's a good thing, and I forgot that my guests are rational, understanding, kind people-that deserve to be treated well and with respect.  When you B-List people they will appear to be understanding and kind to your face, but will be hurt at your rudeness and will be offended and may even bitch about your behavior to other ppl. Seriously - I asked my best coworker friend this morning if she would've been offended if I'd gone with the dream venue and having to "b-list" her, and her response was, "Why didn't you do that?!"   You didn't B-List because you read correct etiquette and you weren't being rude.  Your coworker is clueless and it doesn't matter if she personally wouldn't have been offended, someone else might have been.  Why risk that just for a pretty building?  Even with the chance that she wouldn't have been able to attend, she would've loved to see the pictures from our wedding at the other venue. It's making me wish I'd asked her that question a year ago.

    What do you guys think? Is it ever okay to go against etiquette? Yes, on things that have zero effect on your guests' feelings or comfort, like using clear labels to address your invitations rather than paying for over priced calligraphy.  Why don't people just ask their guests what they would find offensive, rather than assuming it might be rude and potentially losing out on something they really want?  Because that's exhausting and if you just use common sense and courtesy this is all unnecessary.  Plus, you shouldn't be prioritizing pretty pictures and a venue over your guests feelings and comfort at an event you are hosting for THEM.  Remember, the wedding reception is an event the couple hosts FOR their guests in order to honor them and thank them for witnessing and supporting their marriage.  The reception is not about the couple.

    Has anybody else gone through a realization like this? I just feel like I missed out and it's upsetting me.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    SP29esstee33
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    @Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 


    Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.
    THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.
    Apparently I can only speak for myself, but for me it's true. If I'm happy for them, I'm happy to celebrate their wedding their way.
    Yes, you can only speak for yourself. Just because you don't think something is rude, doesn't mean it's not. 

    Also, I can be happy for someone and still be pissed that I don't have a chair, or not enough food. 
    Just because you think something is rude, doesn't mean it is. Your opinion doesn't count for more than mine. 

    Ah one of my fave logical fallicies on here: http://theconversation.com/no-youre-not-entitled-to-your-opinion-9978

    When it comes to properly hosting an event, there is a well established concensus as to what is considered rude on the part of the hosts- it's called etiquette.  So when the majority of people on this board tell you something that directly effects the comfort and feelings of your guests is rude- it is.  And that's not an opinion, it's a fact.

    Miss Manners et. al are in agreement on the basics of proper hosting.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    TrixieJessashley8918esstee33Amanderson1290
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    @Butterflyz419, I'm so glad somebody else understands. That is my sentiment exactly - as a guest, I have never been rude enough to presume to be the bride's top priority. I think it's pretty standard that coworkers come after family, and I am certain that mine would not have been offended at all at this situation. Everybody's asking how I would feel if they did that to me, and I honestly wouldn't care one bit. If a guest is truly happy that the bride and groom are getting married, they're not going to be bothered with these kinds of technicalities, externally or internally. And for the people who aren't happy to see them married (or just have their own personal issues that allow them to find issue with everything), they aren't necessarily going to follow the rules when they decide what to be offended about anyway. 


    Every situation is different. Every guest list is different. The cut-and-paste answers don't always work for everyone. I'm following the rules (at least the ones my guests will actually appreciate), but raging over this hypothetical issue is just absurd.
    THE BOLDED IS NOT TRUE. They are not technicalities. They speak directly to where a person stands on your list of priorities. Just because they're happy you're getting married doesn't mean they need to ignore or be happy about the fact that you have clearly shown that you are putting a lot of things above having them present and comfortable. Being happy that you got married and being unhappy that you don't really seem to care that much about them are not two mutually exclusive things.
    Apparently I can only speak for myself, but for me it's true. If I'm happy for them, I'm happy to celebrate their wedding their way.
    Yes, you can only speak for yourself. Just because you don't think something is rude, doesn't mean it's not. 

    Also, I can be happy for someone and still be pissed that I don't have a chair, or not enough food. 
    Just because you think something is rude, doesn't mean it is. Your opinion doesn't count for more than mine. 
    Ah one of my fave logical fallicies on here: http://theconversation.com/no-youre-not-entitled-to-your-opinion-9978

    When it comes to properly hosting an event, there is a well established concensus as to what is considered rude on the part of the hosts- it's called etiquette.  So when the majority of people on this board tell you something that directly effects the comfort and feelings of your guests is rude- it is.  And that's not an opinion, it's a fact.

    Miss Manners et. al are in agreement on the basics of proper hosting.


    I'm so glad this article has been cited on here regularly since the summer.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • My fiance and I underestimated so I have the exact opposite problem, we didn't think we'd have so many people show up and we are going over the capacity by about 15 people! I completely understand where you're coming from. Don't beat yourself up though. You planned for the max and that was a smart move! Maybe consider having your first anniversary part at your dream venue.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • My fiance and I underestimated so I have the exact opposite problem, we didn't think we'd have so many people show up and we are going over the capacity by about 15 people! I completely understand where you're coming from. Don't beat yourself up though. You planned for the max and that was a smart move! Maybe consider having your first anniversary part at your dream venue.

    This is probably the number one thing one learns not to do while wedding planning.  I assume you are planning to speak to the venue about all of the issues @themuffinman16 mentioned - otherwise you are going to find yourself in the rather uncomfortable and expensive position of finding a venue large enough to accommodate your guests.  While it's nice that so many people want to come, it's very unwise to invite more than the venue can hold.  Definitely not advisable.  
    themuffinman16PrettyGirlLost
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    My fiance and I underestimated so I have the exact opposite problem, we didn't think we'd have so many people show up and we are going over the capacity by about 15 people! I completely understand where you're coming from. Don't beat yourself up though. You planned for the max and that was a smart move! Maybe consider having your first anniversary part at your dream venue.

    You didn't underestimate, you over invited. You knew the capacity of the venue but still decided to invite more. Does the venue know you are over? Does that number count you and your FI, the bridal party, the vendors? (Like photographer, DJ, etc.) Is that a capacity the venue has chosen on their own or is it a fire code situation?

    Brides: This is why you always always always plan for 100% attendance
    image
    [Deleted User]themuffinman16PrettyGirlLostKahlyla
  • There were several people we wanted to invite but couldn't because our venue had an 80 person capacity.  We ended up only having 57 RSVP yes.  

    Was I a little bummed that we in theory could have invited 23 more people?  Yeah.... but that's how it works out, and in the end, I still had a great wedding and saved some money.  I would never have B-listed people because I had so many spots open.  Even if people *say* they wouldn't mind, it's still insulting to them.  



    SaveSave
  • If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.
    This.

    From what I hear, even the etiquette Gurus can't agree on daft things like including an RSVP card in the invitations.  

    I have no problem with being a B-List guest.  People have family commitments that just aren't worth the inevitable drama of not-inviting them.  Case in point, my wonderful Aunt - an absolute nightmare and I really don't want her there - but if I don't invite her, there will be so much family crap, and I can't be bothered with it.

    Allow me to place this right here...

    BrinkyDink16
  • BrinkyDink16BrinkyDink16 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2015

    If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.
    This.

    From what I hear, even the etiquette Gurus can't agree on daft things like including an RSVP card in the invitations.  

    I have no problem with being a B-List guest.  People have family commitments that just aren't worth the inevitable drama of not-inviting them.  Case in point, my wonderful Aunt - an absolute nightmare and I really don't want her there - but if I don't invite her, there will be so much family crap, and I can't be bothered with it.

    Allow me to place this right here...



    Could not agree more!  If it wouldn't cause an unnecessary amount of backlash I would not have invited my grandparents and we could've probably hacked my FHs family list right in half.  But there are people that HAVE to be invited over people you WANT to invite.  All we can do is cross our fingers and hope that those we had to but don't want will say no so we can move on to the list of people we actually want there.
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    My fiance and I underestimated so I have the exact opposite problem, we didn't think we'd have so many people show up and we are going over the capacity by about 15 people! I completely understand where you're coming from. Don't beat yourself up though. You planned for the max and that was a smart move! Maybe consider having your first anniversary part at your dream venue.

    Planning to the max is not actually a smart move. Always expect 100% attendance. It is better to leave a bit of wiggle room when you initially plan your guest list in case new relationships between guests form or new friendships occur by the time invitations are sent out. (There was just a thread recently about how a B&G could not invite new work friends because they already created and settled on a guest list where they had invited to the venues max). 

    Also, realize that what the venue tells you its max is, is usually pretty squishy. We were well below the room max at our venue and it was just perfect- if we had what the venue said they could hold in the room it would have been 10 person tables, with tables on the dance floor that would have to be moved later (something I dislike). Even the coordinator when she told me the room's maximum (maybe I made a face ;) ) said, "yeah, it's tight, but we can make it work". 

    If one gets less attendance than they hoped for, one can always use that money to upgrade menu or bar options. 
  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2015

    If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.
    This.

    From what I hear, even the etiquette Gurus can't agree on daft things like including an RSVP card in the invitations.  

    I have no problem with being a B-List guest.  People have family commitments that just aren't worth the inevitable drama of not-inviting them.  Case in point, my wonderful Aunt - an absolute nightmare and I really don't want her there - but if I don't invite her, there will be so much family crap, and I can't be bothered with it.

    Allow me to place this right here...

    Could not agree more!  If it wouldn't cause an unnecessary amount of backlash I would not have invited my grandparents and we could've probably hacked my FHs family list right in half.  But there are people that HAVE to be invited over people you WANT to invite.  All we can do is cross our fingers and hope that those we had to but don't want will say no so we can move on to the list of people we actually want there.


    ETA boxes boxes boxes

    See, I'm an adult, I don't associate With people I don't like. And what "backlash" are you talking about? Do your parents still ground you? Take away your birthday? Or do you allow people to cause drama on yor life.

    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.
    This.

    From what I hear, even the etiquette Gurus can't agree on daft things like including an RSVP card in the invitations.  

    I have no problem with being a B-List guest.  People have family commitments that just aren't worth the inevitable drama of not-inviting them.  Case in point, my wonderful Aunt - an absolute nightmare and I really don't want her there - but if I don't invite her, there will be so much family crap, and I can't be bothered with it.

    Allow me to place this right here...

    Could not agree more!  If it wouldn't cause an unnecessary amount of backlash I would not have invited my grandparents and we could've probably hacked my FHs family list right in half.  But there are people that HAVE to be invited over people you WANT to invite.  All we can do is cross our fingers and hope that those we had to but don't want will say no so we can move on to the list of people we actually want there.
    ETA boxes boxes boxes

    See, I'm an adult, I don't associate With people I don't like. And what "backlash" are you talking about? Do your parents still ground you? Take away your birthday? Or do you allow people to cause drama on yor life.

    Black lash of the sort that it would hurt my father if I didn't invite his parents and I'm not willing to do that to him.  Even though they don't have much a relationship with me they still have one with him and after discussing it with my mother we came to the decision that it would case irreparable damage to his relationship with them if they were not invited.  As far as FH's half of the list I didn't ask questions of why we "had" to invite certain people but I believe it all ties in with their family traditions. For example, I think he felt like if he invited one sibling from a family he had to invite all the siblings from that family to avoid hurt feelings.
  • whovianstarkwhovianstark member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2015

    If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.
    This.

    From what I hear, even the etiquette Gurus can't agree on daft things like including an RSVP card in the invitations.  

    I have no problem with being a B-List guest.  People have family commitments that just aren't worth the inevitable drama of not-inviting them.  Case in point, my wonderful Aunt - an absolute nightmare and I really don't want her there - but if I don't invite her, there will be so much family crap, and I can't be bothered with it.

    Allow me to place this right here...

    Could not agree more!  If it wouldn't cause an unnecessary amount of backlash I would not have invited my grandparents and we could've probably hacked my FHs family list right in half.  But there are people that HAVE to be invited over people you WANT to invite.  All we can do is cross our fingers and hope that those we had to but don't want will say no so we can move on to the list of people we actually want there.
    ETA boxes boxes boxes

    See, I'm an adult, I don't associate With people I don't like. And what "backlash" are you talking about? Do your parents still ground you? Take away your birthday? Or do you allow people to cause drama on yor life.
    Black lash of the sort that it would hurt my father if I didn't invite his parents and I'm not willing to do that to him.  Even though they don't have much a relationship with me they still have one with him and after discussing it with my mother we came to the decision that it would case irreparable damage to his relationship with them if they were not invited.  As far as FH's half of the list I didn't ask questions of why we "had" to invite certain people but I believe it all ties in with their family traditions. For example, I think he felt like if he invited one sibling from a family he had to invite all the siblings from that family to avoid hurt feelings.




    EDIT: Where did my boxes go?

    Yeah I really don't like those guilt trips. My Mom tried that on me with some guests that they will be upset they aren't invited. And I said, "I wouldn't even know how to get in contact with these people so why would I know/care that their feelings are hurt?" I hate the argument that people's feelings will be hurt. Yes, I did cave to some of the requests and I regret it, but for the most part I didn't care. If someone, that I never talk to, is hurt that I didn't invite them that is on them not me. People should not let their feelings be impacted by an invitation to a private event. I was verbally invited to my cousin's wedding (she asked for my address) and then I found out via Facebook that she was now having a small wedding and that I was uninvited. The only feeling I felt was annoyance at her lack of planning, but still, I wish her well.
  • If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.
    This.

    From what I hear, even the etiquette Gurus can't agree on daft things like including an RSVP card in the invitations.  

    I have no problem with being a B-List guest.  People have family commitments that just aren't worth the inevitable drama of not-inviting them.  Case in point, my wonderful Aunt - an absolute nightmare and I really don't want her there - but if I don't invite her, there will be so much family crap, and I can't be bothered with it.

    Allow me to place this right here...

    Could not agree more!  If it wouldn't cause an unnecessary amount of backlash I would not have invited my grandparents and we could've probably hacked my FHs family list right in half.  But there are people that HAVE to be invited over people you WANT to invite.  All we can do is cross our fingers and hope that those we had to but don't want will say no so we can move on to the list of people we actually want there.
    ETA boxes boxes boxes

    See, I'm an adult, I don't associate With people I don't like. And what "backlash" are you talking about? Do your parents still ground you? Take away your birthday? Or do you allow people to cause drama on yor life.
    Black lash of the sort that it would hurt my father if I didn't invite his parents and I'm not willing to do that to him.  Even though they don't have much a relationship with me they still have one with him and after discussing it with my mother we came to the decision that it would case irreparable damage to his relationship with them if they were not invited.  As far as FH's half of the list I didn't ask questions of why we "had" to invite certain people but I believe it all ties in with their family traditions. For example, I think he felt like if he invited one sibling from a family he had to invite all the siblings from that family to avoid hurt feelings.


    boxes boxes boxes

    So, drama you are allowing others to cause.

    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2015

    If there is only one right answer to these questions then you should just put up a link to Miss Manners and you can all call it a day because there's nothing to discuss apparently and therefore no need for a discussion board.
    This.

    From what I hear, even the etiquette Gurus can't agree on daft things like including an RSVP card in the invitations.  

    I have no problem with being a B-List guest.  People have family commitments that just aren't worth the inevitable drama of not-inviting them.  Case in point, my wonderful Aunt - an absolute nightmare and I really don't want her there - but if I don't invite her, there will be so much family crap, and I can't be bothered with it.

    Allow me to place this right here...

    Could not agree more!  If it wouldn't cause an unnecessary amount of backlash I would not have invited my grandparents and we could've probably hacked my FHs family list right in half.  But there are people that HAVE to be invited over people you WANT to invite.  All we can do is cross our fingers and hope that those we had to but don't want will say no so we can move on to the list of people we actually want there.
    ETA boxes boxes boxes

    See, I'm an adult, I don't associate With people I don't like. And what "backlash" are you talking about? Do your parents still ground you? Take away your birthday? Or do you allow people to cause drama on yor life.
    Black lash of the sort that it would hurt my father if I didn't invite his parents and I'm not willing to do that to him.  Even though they don't have much a relationship with me they still have one with him and after discussing it with my mother we came to the decision that it would case irreparable damage to his relationship with them if they were not invited.  As far as FH's half of the list I didn't ask questions of why we "had" to invite certain people but I believe it all ties in with their family traditions. For example, I think he felt like if he invited one sibling from a family he had to invite all the siblings from that family to avoid hurt feelings.
    ------------boxes-------------------------------------------------


    Go ahead and B-List your friends. Lucky for you, when they find out that they are 2nd tier in your life, your problem of having too many friends to invite to parties will solve itself.  
    hellosweetie1015PrettyGirlLostesstee33[Deleted User]
  • I totally understand the point you are trying to get, and I would feel kind of bad, too. Since the other venue means a lot to you, you could always incorporate it into your wedding in some way. You could try getting some wedding pictures there the day of your wedding. If the venue you are holding it at would allow for such a thing, you could take photos of the venue you love and incorporate them into the décor. This way you still have some of the beauty and memories of the historic location with you on your big day. A slightly less traditional option would be to take pictures there at a different time. I read somewhere about someone hiring a photographer on a different day after their wedding and doing a wedding photo shoot when you aren't as worried about other stuff. You could do this at the other location if your budget allowed.
    SP29
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I read somewhere about someone hiring a photographer on a different day after their wedding and doing a wedding photo shoot when you aren't as worried about other stuff. You could do this at the other location if your budget allowed.

    This is completely fine. It's a photographer, and it's a dress and a suit. You can take as many photos in your dress as you like.

    Long story short, I bought a wedding dress, shipped it back to my hometown, it arrived 2 weeks after the wedding. I wore a dress that was graciously loaned to me. I have tons of photos of our wedding day, with that dress on. MONTHS later, we got dressed back up, I wore the original wedding dress that I bought and we did a session of photos with photographer. I bought the dress, thought I might as well do something with it besides let it sit in my closet. I don't try to pretend these other photos are my "real" photos or anything, it was just another day we decided to get dressed up and take some pictures as newlyweds. I have both sets of photos and I love them both! 
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