Separate gift for potluck wedding?

bluebell42

Hi everyone,
I've never posted here before but I joined a while back to lurk and read posts when I was a bridesmaid in a family member's wedding. I've learned a lot about wedding etiquette (and general hosting etiquette) from these posts, so thanks!

A friend of mine is having a potluck wedding later this summer (I know, I know) and I've committed to bringing a dish. However, I'm feeling a bit lost as to whether to give a separate gift for the wedding or not. They have a cash registry for their house/honeymoon/etc and have stated multiple times, both on their website and in person, that they don't want any physical gifts.

I was planning to make a dish in the largest bowl I own, which would feed about 20-25 people and then put a check in a card for them as a separate gift, but I checked the potluck sign-up recently and it looks like very few people have signed up to bring food. So now I'm thinking I should bring more food than I planned to help out, but I can't really afford to pay for double the food and also a gift.

I know gifts are never expected, and I do consider the potluck dish a gift in itself, but I feel weird showing up without something that the couple can enjoy for themselves after the reception is over. I could put a smaller check in the card, but it would be such a small amount that I would feel cheap. If you were in my place, what would you do?

lyndausvi

Ugh, I feel bad for you.

What about buying a dish for your dish that they can use in the future?    

southernbelle0915

NO. If you committed to bringing one dish, just bring one dish. Please do not feel like YOU need to pick up the slack since people haven't signed up. The B&G need to pick up the slack and host their own damn wedding.

If I were asked to host myself at a wedding and the couple was strictly asking for cash, I would only bring the dish to pass. That IS the gift. You're helping feed 20-25 people at THEIR wedding. It's plenty.

TrixieJess

I would come down with Malaria for the wedding. Send a card and your regrets. There is a reason that no one else wants to cater their wedding. You do not owe the bride and groom ANYTHING. They are being poor hosts. 

banana468

If it were me and I was close to the friend I'd first try to persuade her to do something different.

THEN, if she was still set on it then I'd bring something easily transported and easily consumed at room (or warm) temp.   So.....bread??

And the container would be my gift or she'd get a card with a small gift card in it.   

But I wouldn't feel all that bad about the lack of gift.   I consider the food to be a gift and my time to make it is a gift as well.    

lovegood90

So you're asking what I would personally do? I would decline to attend and send a physical gift to her house. I'm being totally serious- if people specifically solicit money from me, I make it a point to not get them money. I would send it to her house so at least they don't have to worry about transporting it.

ETA: If you insist on going and bringing a dish, though, I think that's more than enough for these greedy people. No cash or extra gift for them- you're already helping host their wedding.

NowIAmSyp

southernbelle0915 said:

NO. If you committed to bringing one dish, just bring one dish. Please do not feel like YOU need to pick up the slack since people haven't signed up. The B&G need to pick up the slack and host their own damn wedding.

If I were asked to host myself at a wedding and the couple was strictly asking for cash, I would only bring the dish to pass. That IS the gift. You're helping feed 20-25 people at THEIR wedding. It's plenty.

This, this, this!!  

whovianstark

bluebella99 said:

Hi everyone,
I've never posted here before but I joined a while back to lurk and read posts when I was a bridesmaid in a family member's wedding. I've learned a lot about wedding etiquette (and general hosting etiquette) from these posts, so thanks!

A friend of mine is having a potluck wedding later this summer (I know, I know) and I've committed to bringing a dish. However, I'm feeling a bit lost as to whether to give a separate gift for the wedding or not. They have a cash registry for their house/honeymoon/etc and have stated multiple times, both on their website and in person, that they don't want any physical gifts.

I was planning to make a dish in the largest bowl I own, which would feed about 20-25 people and then put a check in a card for them as a separate gift, but I checked the potluck sign-up recently and it looks like very few people have signed up to bring food. So now I'm thinking I should bring more food than I planned to help out, but I can't really afford to pay for double the food and also a gift.

I know gifts are never expected, and I do consider the potluck dish a gift in itself, but I feel weird showing up without something that the couple can enjoy for themselves after the reception is over. I could put a smaller check in the card, but it would be such a small amount that I would feel cheap. If you were in my place, what would you do?

I like this post because it should show lurkers why potlucks and cash registries are rude. I understand why you are feeling guilty but that is the B&Gs fault not yours. They should feel guilty about putting you in this position. The fact that they registered for cash and stated no physical gifts makes you feel guilty that you sent providing them cash. Your gift is the food. I would be fine attending a potluck wedding but the food I provided would be their gift. That's it. And at first I might feel bad but then I would realize that I wouldn't care what they think about me because I don't trust their judgement.

climbingsingle

Hell no. The dish is their gift. They'd get nothing else from me, except this printed out inside a card:

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/04/22/one-dead-20-sick-with-botulism-symptoms-after-church-potluck/

whovianstark

climbingwife said:

Hell no. The dish is their gift. They'd get nothing else from me, except this printed out inside a card:

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/04/22/one-dead-20-sick-with-botulism-symptoms-after-church-potluck/

OMG THIS

ohannabelle

Not to mention, making enough of any dish to feed twenty five people isn't cheap, or easy. 

It requires a large amount of time and effort. 

This is enough. They had the balls to ask, and you're being gracious enough to do it. No more is required. 

I don't give money when I'm solicited for money. Ever. It shouldn't be encouraged. If I genuinely care about the person and think they just were never taught any better, I'll send a physical gift.

If I think they know better, don't care, and are just greedy bastards, I send my regrets. Because how dare anybody try to dictate a gift, which is something that should be offered from the giver's heart. 

Jen4948

I would be very unhappy to get an invitation to a potluck wedding and would decline it.

But since you are planning to attend, I think one dish is enough.  And you owe no gifts in addition to it.

photokitty

whovianstark said:

climbingwife said:

Hell no. The dish is their gift. They'd get nothing else from me, except this printed out inside a card:

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/04/22/one-dead-20-sick-with-botulism-symptoms-after-church-potluck/

OMG THIS

I was shocked when the media reported it was the potato salad - can you imagine being "June who brought the potato salad that killed Betty" for the rest of your life. Not to mention the guilt of killing your friend! Such a sad story all the way around. And the potluck was totally ok etiquette wise!

[Deleted User]

If you feel you MUST give a gift beyond the food, bring it in a container you can leave for them as their gift; a large pyrex casserole dish, a dutch oven with lid, or a new version of that huge bowl you were planning on using.  I wouldn't want to worry about cleaning up TOO in order to get MY favorite large dish home.  So, gift it with the food and you're done.

bluebell42

Thanks for all the replies! You've made me feel a lot better about not giving a separate monetary gift. I do like the suggestion of gifting them the dish my food is in; I'd thought of that before but figured it went against their no-physical-gift policy. But I also really don't want to have to cart a dirty dish back to my hotel, so I think I'll leave the dish for them as a gift anyway.

And @whovianstark is right -- the potluck wedding thing does put guests in an awkward position. Pretty much everyone I know who's going to the wedding has commented on it when I've seen them, though I'm sure no one would want to say it to the couple's face... Most people mainly seem concerned that there won't be enough food for all the guests, though. I'm planning to bring my dish and sit next to my other friend who I know is bringing something.

TrixieJess

bluebella99 said:

Thanks for all the replies! You've made me feel a lot better about not giving a separate monetary gift. I do like the suggestion of gifting them the dish my food is in; I'd thought of that before but figured it went against their no-physical-gift policy. But I also really don't want to have to cart a dirty dish back to my hotel, so I think I'll leave the dish for them as a gift anyway.

And @whovianstark is right -- the potluck wedding thing does put guests in an awkward position. Pretty much everyone I know who's going to the wedding has commented on it when I've seen them, though I'm sure no one would want to say it to the couple's face... Most people mainly seem concerned that there won't be enough food for all the guests, though. I'm planning to bring my dish and sit next to my other friend who I know is bringing something.

Umm...You're cooking for THEIR guests. They don't get a say. They are lucky they aren't getting the crockery thrown at them at the end of the night. OPA!

ETA: Grammar is a bitch, and I'm her minion

littlepep

I would decline the fuck out of this wedding, but if you're going, I think your dish is fine as a gift. And don't make more just because you feel bad. It will be their own fault and embarassing for them when they don't have any food. They should be paying for it all anyway.

lyndausvi

bluebella99 said:

Thanks for all the replies! You've made me feel a lot better about not giving a separate monetary gift. I do like the suggestion of gifting them the dish my food is in; I'd thought of that before but figured it went against their no-physical-gift policy. But I also really don't want to have to cart a dirty dish back to my hotel, so I think I'll leave the dish for them as a gift anyway.

And @whovianstark is right -- the potluck wedding thing does put guests in an awkward position. Pretty much everyone I know who's going to the wedding has commented on it when I've seen them, though I'm sure no one would want to say it to the couple's face... Most people mainly seem concerned that there won't be enough food for all the guests, though. I'm planning to bring my dish and sit next to my other friend who I know is bringing something.

LOL - there is not such thing as a no-physical gift policy.    A recipient happily receives all gifts.  If they don't?  Oh well, it's not like they can return a used dish.

afox007

I'm an awful person and would probably stop at McDonald's and pick up 5 of the 20 piece nuggets. 25 bucks throw that shit on a tray they can keep and make a decorative pile of sauces next to it.

Cookie Pusher

I'd just bring one of these...

redoryx

bluebella99 said:

Thanks for all the replies! You've made me feel a lot better about not giving a separate monetary gift. I do like the suggestion of gifting them the dish my food is in; I'd thought of that before but figured it went against their no-physical-gift policy. But I also really don't want to have to cart a dirty dish back to my hotel, so I think I'll leave the dish for them as a gift anyway.

And @whovianstark is right -- the potluck wedding thing does put guests in an awkward position. Pretty much everyone I know who's going to the wedding has commented on it when I've seen them, though I'm sure no one would want to say it to the couple's face... Most people mainly seem concerned that there won't be enough food for all the guests, though. I'm planning to bring my dish and sit next to my other friend who I know is bringing something.

The B&G are selfish people who are double dipping. First, they are making their guests subsidize their reception by providing the food and then they are setting up a cash registry so the guests can subsidize their honeymoon or house or crack addiction because they must be on drugs if they think this is an acceptable way to behave.

southernbelle0915

bluebella99 said:

Thanks for all the replies! You've made me feel a lot better about not giving a separate monetary gift. I do like the suggestion of gifting them the dish my food is in; I'd thought of that before but figured it went against their no-physical-gift policy. But I also really don't want to have to cart a dirty dish back to my hotel, so I think I'll leave the dish for them as a gift anyway.

And @whovianstark is right -- the potluck wedding thing does put guests in an awkward position. Pretty much everyone I know who's going to the wedding has commented on it when I've seen them, though I'm sure no one would want to say it to the couple's face... Most people mainly seem concerned that there won't be enough food for all the guests, though. I'm planning to bring my dish and sit next to my other friend who I know is bringing something.

Gross. I'm sorry you're invited to something like this...

Honestly, I would eat before you go. Sorrynotsorry, but I'm not eating a bunch of food cooked by strangers in kitchens I know nothing about. 

And also, it's very sweet of you to gift the dish, but don't expect a thank you note.....they don't seem the type.

annathy03

afox007 said:

I'm an awful person and would probably stop at McDonald's and pick up 5 of the 20 piece nuggets. 25 bucks throw that shit on a tray they can keep and make a decorative pile of sauces next to it.

Still better than food poisoning.  If I go to a potluck I only eat food brought by people I know and trust or was clearly store bought sorrynotsorry.

OP, I agree if you feel like you want to give something beyond food, give them the dish you bring the food in.  I would not give cash, they have no right to expect it (or any gift) and making a cash registry on top of expecting their guests to host their party is so damn entitled.

onefootinthebayou

bluebella99 said:

Thanks for all the replies! You've made me feel a lot better about not giving a separate monetary gift. I do like the suggestion of gifting them the dish my food is in; I'd thought of that before but figured it went against their no-physical-gift policy. But I also really don't want to have to cart a dirty dish back to my hotel, so I think I'll leave the dish for them as a gift anyway.

And @whovianstark is right -- the potluck wedding thing does put guests in an awkward position. Pretty much everyone I know who's going to the wedding has commented on it when I've seen them, though I'm sure no one would want to say it to the couple's face... Most people mainly seem concerned that there won't be enough food for all the guests, though. I'm planning to bring my dish and sit next to my other friend who I know is bringing something.

Note to lurkers AND to the influx of posters lately trying to defend or justify rude behavior "because I asked my guests and they don't mind" or "I don't find potlucks rude so they must not be" or "I am excused from the rules of etiquette b/c we just bought a house and we're on a budget" or "because the people coming to celebrate our wedding love us and support us and if they don't like the idea of potluck then they don't have to come!"...people will talk behind your back and not to your face if you insult them with poor hosting.

OP, I'm also sorry you are in this situation.  If it were a close friend, like Banana said, I'd try to talk them out of it and promote having catered sandwiches or pizza.  If it were an acquaintance I would decline the invite.  

Rolls in a Pyrex casserole dish with a card sound like MORE than enough of a gift to this greedy couple.  

flantastic

No separate gift for these people. Nope, nope, nope. It is nice of you to do anything at all.

Viczaesar

I've told this story before, but I went to a potluck wedding (actually PPD, we found out at the ceremony) for my cousin.  It was hours away and I carpooled with family and stayed in a hotel, so figuring out what to bring was a real challenge.  They also requested cash gifts on the invitation.  I was dead broke at the time (oh the fun of grad school) and my budget for a gift was $25, so I took that $25 and several hours of my time and made a large tray of homemade baklava for them (the cost for the three different kinds of nuts, spices, honey, butter, phyllo, etc. took up my full budget).  And then, of course, the bride and groom went through the food line after most of the guests had and all of the baklava was gone, so they had no idea of my gift to them and I looked like the jerk who showed up with no gift.  Unbeknownst to me at the time my mom, knowing my budget issues and how I was spending my gift fund, put my name in the card with the check from her and dad, but only they received a thank you note.  Overall the whole thing sucked and was uncomfortable. 

VulgarGirl

Wait let me understand this. They want you to host their wedding and then also pay them for the privilege? 

downtondiva

I love to cook, but there's no way I'd cook for 20-25 people at someone else's wedding - frankly, if that was what was expected of me as a guest, I'd just decline the invitation. That is a huge imposition, and if you are set on going and cooking, you absolutely should not feel any need to get them another gift.

sarahufl

Not only would I not bring a gift, I also wouldn't go. This is beyond rude.

LondonLisa

I 100% would not get this person a "gift," even the dish what you serve your food in. You preparing food IS her gift. Get them a card and nothing else.

Frankly, I wouldn't even go to this Gimme Pig Monstrosity. But if you absolutely do go, she would be lucky to get a 1/2 eaten bag of doritos and a card. If she wanted something fancier, she could pay for it her damn self. 

There is NO way I would be actually cooking and preparing food- and did you mention that you are staying in a hotel- how in God's green earth are you supposed to cook it with enough prep time, AND keep it cold in order to not make people sick if you are in a hotel???

kmmssg

Good advice from everyone.  Just one question:  are you SURE you don't have to wash your hair that day?