Separate gift for potluck wedding?

FutureMrsRigone

Chances are that most people will bring something, but haven't put on the list what they are bringing. Do you really think some bride is asking some gross family member to bring food to the wedding? Hell no! I totally agree that it is better for her to do something she can afford to do. It's also not entirely unheard of to do a potluck. Have you ever been to a potluck? The food is usually amazing! If the OP feels put out, then she should talk to her friend about it. Honestly, though if someone said they wouldn't go to my wedding because they didn't think they were being hosted properly, I wouldn't want them there. It shows how little you care about celebrating the part of the day that actually matters--the ceremony and their love!

FutureMrsRigone

Jen4948 said:

FutureMrsRigone said:

I think it's great that you are willing to help out your friend for her wedding. Not everyone is a trust fund baby or is financially able to host a large elaborate event. I'm glad you are going and showing your love and support for this person, and honestly, the wedding will probably be really fun and laid back which will let you and the happy couple enjoy the day more I don't think you have to make more food or send them any other kind of gift, but I would probably feel bad that people hadn't signed up and maybe make a little extra, too. It's what you do for friends that you love

No. What you do for friends you love is pay for the damn food, drinks, and other costs of hosting them-not charge them for it and then pat yourself on the back with "it's a sign of how much they love you that they'll happily cover the costs." What that attitude is is a sign of how selfish, entitled, and/or stupid you are not to expect the guests you invited to resent you for your bad hosting and horrible attitude.

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Have you never done something you weren't a huge fan of for a friend? If the bride seriously can not afford to serve food (there could be extenuating circumstances people weren't told about), then she is doing what she feels like she should do. Again, if your guests are mad about poor hosting, then they need to share their concerns with the bride and reevaluate their friendship/relationship with her. 

FutureMrsRigone

KatWAG said:

@futuremrsrigone I cant see you up there on your high horse.

HAHAHAHAHA! I'm the one saying it's ok to do a potluck. How does that put me on a high horse? I'm just saying there are more points of view than just Emily Post's, and people are free to do what they want. I would support my friend in what they wanted or realize that maybe we aren't as close as we originally thought. This bride probably isn't able to pay for a big event, but still wants to celebrate with love and commraderie of her nearest and dearest

FutureMrsRigone

tfmrserwin said:

FutureMrsRigone said:

I think it's great that you are willing to help out your friend for her wedding. Not everyone is a trust fund baby or is financially able to host a large elaborate event. I'm glad you are going and showing your love and support for this person, and honestly, the wedding will probably be really fun and laid back which will let you and the happy couple enjoy the day more I don't think you have to make more food or send them any other kind of gift, but I would probably feel bad that people hadn't signed up and maybe make a little extra, too. It's what you do for friends that you love

Properly hosting (including providing food and beverages at no cost) =/= "elaborate".

I never said it did. But, if the wedding isn't this big thing, why do we have to put other people down for doing what they want to do?

FutureMrsRigone

ShesSoCold said:

FutureMrsRigone said:

I think it's great that you are willing to help out your friend for her wedding. Not everyone is a trust fund baby or is financially able to host a large elaborate event. I'm glad you are going and showing your love and support for this person, and honestly, the wedding will probably be really fun and laid back which will let you and the happy couple enjoy the day more I don't think you have to make more food or send them any other kind of gift, but I would probably feel bad that people hadn't signed up and maybe make a little extra, too. It's what you do for friends that you love

H and I paid for our wedding and hosted our guests well. I need to have a talk with my dad about this trust fund I should have...dude must be holding out on me because there was nothing in my mom's will about it. 

I didn't say everyone had a trust fund. You were financially able to pay. I included two options. I don't have a trust fund, and my fiance and I are paying our own way for the most part too. I think you missed the rest of that sentence, sweetie

FutureMrsRigone

onefootinthebayou said:

ginnybinny17 said:

FutureMrsRigone said:

I think it's great that you are willing to help out your friend for her wedding. Not everyone is a trust fund baby or is financially able to host a large elaborate event. I'm glad you are going and showing your love and support for this person, and honestly, the wedding will probably be really fun and laid back which will let you and the happy couple enjoy the day more I don't think you have to make more food or send them any other kind of gift, but I would probably feel bad that people hadn't signed up and maybe make a little extra, too. It's what you do for friends that you love

I didn't realize having a small wedding budget meant you were outside the bounds of etiquette.  I also didn't realize that being able to serve your guests food (instead of demanding they feed themselves) meant you were a "trust fund baby."  I also also didn't realize that serving your guests food transformed a normal event into an "elaborate" event.  You've been so helpful today. 

Stop!  You are making too much sense.  

Oh you realize that a lot of people have a lot of inherited money to play with. Also, I said trust funds (or other large sums of family money) or are financially able. Some people aren't financially able. Do you think potluck family reunions are poor etiquette? Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you should bash others. And honestly, I'm really happy for anyone who comes from a lot of money and can plan whatever they want. That's seriously awesome for them

FutureMrsRigone

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO THINK I THINK YOU ALL COME FROM TRUST FUNDS:

I said that some do and others are just financially able to host an event in a way you find proper. Can you imagine how bad this bride would feel if she saw all of these people telling her she was celebrating her love wrong?

onefootinthebayou

FutureMrsRigone said:

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO THINK I THINK YOU ALL COME FROM TRUST FUNDS:

I said that some do and others are just financially able to host an event in a way you find proper. Can you imagine how bad this bride would feel if she saw all of these people telling her she was celebrating her love wrong?

I think you are missing the point (on a number of levels).

No one said a potluck family reunion would be rude. The fundamental difference being a wedding reception is a "thank you" FROM the married couple TO their guests. It's wrong (bad manners) to ask your guests to subsidize that (i.e., cash bar, paying for food).

The lesson here is that you host what you can afford that shows your appreciation for your guests. Potluck does not do that.

The cool thing about these boards is that you can find TONS of ways to host properly on a limited (small, shoestring, minuscule) budget without putting out or offending your friends & family.

ShesSoCold

FutureMrsRigone said:

onefootinthebayou said:

ginnybinny17 said:

FutureMrsRigone said:

I think it's great that you are willing to help out your friend for her wedding. Not everyone is a trust fund baby or is financially able to host a large elaborate event. I'm glad you are going and showing your love and support for this person, and honestly, the wedding will probably be really fun and laid back which will let you and the happy couple enjoy the day more I don't think you have to make more food or send them any other kind of gift, but I would probably feel bad that people hadn't signed up and maybe make a little extra, too. It's what you do for friends that you love

I didn't realize having a small wedding budget meant you were outside the bounds of etiquette.  I also didn't realize that being able to serve your guests food (instead of demanding they feed themselves) meant you were a "trust fund baby."  I also also didn't realize that serving your guests food transformed a normal event into an "elaborate" event.  You've been so helpful today. 

Stop!  You are making too much sense.  

Oh you realize that a lot of people have a lot of inherited money to play with. Also, I said trust funds (or other large sums of family money) or are financially able. Some people aren't financially able. Do you think potluck family reunions are poor etiquette? Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you should bash others. And honestly, I'm really happy for anyone who comes from a lot of money and can plan whatever they want. That's seriously awesome for them

FutureMrsRigone said:

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO THINK I THINK YOU ALL COME FROM TRUST FUNDS:

I said that some do and others are just financially able to host an event in a way you find proper. Can you imagine how bad this bride would feel if she saw all of these people telling her she was celebrating her love wrong?

Ugh. Where do I start?

For one, cupcake, wedding receptions are for thanking guests for coming. The reception is literally FOR the guests. Not "celebrating love". I don't understand how you don't understand that it's not okay to ask people to fund a party to thank them.

There are a lot of ways to have a nice, well-hosted wedding when you don't have a trust fund or "family money". My H and I were engaged for two years to save money and our wedding was 35 people in a restaurant. There are very nice afternoon receptions with cake and punch only. BECAUSE THATS WHAT THE COUPLE CAN AFFORD. Not one person here has said, or probably will ever say that the only way to have a great wedding is to spend a lot of money. A lot of us put a lot of effort into helping people with smaller budgets make it work and make it nice.

There are ways to host your own wedding without being a dick and passing the "hosting" on to your guests.

AddieCake

I will never understand people who think cash bars and potlucks are ok. You never seldom see people coming along asking guests to pay for flowers or napkins or pictures or the bride's veil. So why the fuck do some of you come along thinking it's ok to expect guests to pay or provide food or beverages of any kind? These are all things that are part of the couple's wedding, the wedding THEY are putting on and that THEY (or whomever has offered) should pay for. It's seriously so fucking simple. 

onefootinthebayou

AddieCake said:

I will never understand people who think cash bars and potlucks are ok. You never  see people coming along asking guests to pay for flowers or napkins or pictures or the bride's veil. So why the fuck do some of you come along thinking it's ok to expect guests to pay or provide food or beverages of any kind? These are all things that are part of the couple's wedding, the wedding THEY are putting on and that THEY (or whomever has offered) should pay for. It's seriously so fucking simple. 

Actually, you DO now see people coming along & asking people to pay for napkins/pictures/veils, etc. it's part of that gross new trend of "vendor registries" or even the gofundmes to pay for a couple'a wedding.

At some point, some devolved humanoid made the leap from asking guests to pay for food and drinks to asking guests to pay for EVERYTHING.

It makes me weep for humanity.

AddieCake

onefootinthebayou said:

AddieCake said:

I will never understand people who think cash bars and potlucks are ok. You never  see people coming along asking guests to pay for flowers or napkins or pictures or the bride's veil. So why the fuck do some of you come along thinking it's ok to expect guests to pay or provide food or beverages of any kind? These are all things that are part of the couple's wedding, the wedding THEY are putting on and that THEY (or whomever has offered) should pay for. It's seriously so fucking simple. 

Actually, you DO now see people coming along & asking people to pay for napkins/pictures/veils, etc. it's part of that gross new trend of "vendor registries" or even the gofundmes to pay for a couple'a wedding.

At some point, some devolved humanoid made the leap from asking guests to pay for food and drinks to asking guests to pay for EVERYTHING.

It makes me weep for humanity.

Occasionally, yes. But it's not the norm or common, whereas brides coming here thinking cash bars and potlucks are ok is common and happens weekly. 

[Deleted User]

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onefootinthebayou

AddieCake said:

onefootinthebayou said:

AddieCake said:

I will never understand people who think cash bars and potlucks are ok. You never  see people coming along asking guests to pay for flowers or napkins or pictures or the bride's veil. So why the fuck do some of you come along thinking it's ok to expect guests to pay or provide food or beverages of any kind? These are all things that are part of the couple's wedding, the wedding THEY are putting on and that THEY (or whomever has offered) should pay for. It's seriously so fucking simple. 

Actually, you DO now see people coming along & asking people to pay for napkins/pictures/veils, etc. it's part of that gross new trend of "vendor registries" or even the gofundmes to pay for a couple'a wedding.

At some point, some devolved humanoid made the leap from asking guests to pay for food and drinks to asking guests to pay for EVERYTHING.

It makes me weep for humanity.

Occasionally, yes. But it's not the norm or common, whereas brides coming here thinking cash bars and potlucks are ok is common and happens weekly. 

Good point.

I was more trying to point out the slippery slope that can occur when one starts ignoring the rules of etiquette or, like thefuturemrs up there, not thinking that they apply universally to everyone. I think the subtlety of that point may have been lost on that user.

[Deleted User]

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TrixieJess

FutureMrsRigone said:

onefootinthebayou said:

ginnybinny17 said:

FutureMrsRigone said:

I think it's great that you are willing to help out your friend for her wedding. Not everyone is a trust fund baby or is financially able to host a large elaborate event. I'm glad you are going and showing your love and support for this person, and honestly, the wedding will probably be really fun and laid back which will let you and the happy couple enjoy the day more I don't think you have to make more food or send them any other kind of gift, but I would probably feel bad that people hadn't signed up and maybe make a little extra, too. It's what you do for friends that you love

I didn't realize having a small wedding budget meant you were outside the bounds of etiquette.  I also didn't realize that being able to serve your guests food (instead of demanding they feed themselves) meant you were a "trust fund baby."  I also also didn't realize that serving your guests food transformed a normal event into an "elaborate" event.  You've been so helpful today. 

Stop!  You are making too much sense.  

Oh you realize that a lot of people have a lot of inherited money to play with. Also, I said trust funds (or other large sums of family money) or are financially able. Some people aren't financially able. Do you think potluck family reunions are poor etiquette? Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you should bash others. And honestly, I'm really happy for anyone who comes from a lot of money and can plan whatever they want. That's seriously awesome for them

I'm going to a potluck family reunion in a couple of weeks, did I side eye it, not one bit! I'm looking forward to my family's cooking and baking which is always amazing! And since we do these things all the time, we know how to do them right! However, it's not a wedding. Two completely different animals!

Your "opinion" is wrong. You are advising outside of etiquette and we are telling you that.

hellosweetie1015

OP, you are a saint for still going to this disaster.

Futuremrsrigatoni or whoever you are? I'm planning a wedding on a shoestring. I'm still hosting my guests properly - because I'm prioritizing their comfort over my vision. There will be plentiful, delicious food, some amount of alcohol (not sure yet exactly how much), and sodas such that cups runneth over. I'm sacrificing, among a plethora of smaller things, a honeymoon - not just my dream honeymoon, but any honeymoon at all - in order to ensure that my guests are treated well.

huskypuppy14

FutureMrsRigone said:

KatWAG said:

@futuremrsrigone I cant see you up there on your high horse.

HAHAHAHAHA! I'm the one saying it's ok to do a potluck. How does that put me on a high horse? I'm just saying there are more points of view than just Emily Post's, and people are free to do what they want. I would support my friend in what they wanted or realize that maybe we aren't as close as we originally thought. This bride probably isn't able to pay for a big event, but still wants to celebrate with love and commraderie of her nearest and dearest

Sometimes you don't get what you want. That's being an adult. I wanted a big house in the most exclusive town in my state, but I can't afford to live there. So I bought a house I love in a different town.

This is the etiquette board. You are going to be called out on giving bad advice here. So stop it sweetie.

sophhabobopha

Girl, you have to wash your hair that day. 

Jen4948

FutureMrsRigone said:

Jen4948 said:

FutureMrsRigone said:

I think it's great that you are willing to help out your friend for her wedding. Not everyone is a trust fund baby or is financially able to host a large elaborate event. I'm glad you are going and showing your love and support for this person, and honestly, the wedding will probably be really fun and laid back which will let you and the happy couple enjoy the day more I don't think you have to make more food or send them any other kind of gift, but I would probably feel bad that people hadn't signed up and maybe make a little extra, too. It's what you do for friends that you love

No. What you do for friends you love is pay for the damn food, drinks, and other costs of hosting them-not charge them for it and then pat yourself on the back with "it's a sign of how much they love you that they'll happily cover the costs." What that attitude is is a sign of how selfish, entitled, and/or stupid you are not to expect the guests you invited to resent you for your bad hosting and horrible attitude.

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Have you never done something you weren't a huge fan of for a friend? If the bride seriously can not afford to serve food (there could be extenuating circumstances people weren't told about), then she is doing what she feels like she should do. Again, if your guests are mad about poor hosting, then they need to share their concerns with the bride and reevaluate their friendship/relationship with her. 

The bolded is bullshit. No bride or groom has any business inviting anyone to their wedding whom she does not plan to host.  If they can't afford it, it is extremely rude of them to invite anyone and expect them out of "friendship" to pay for their own provisions.  There are absolutely no "extenuating circumstances" that make it polite to invite someone to one's wedding and expect them to pay for their own meal.  And you'd better believe that if someone did that to me and expected me to pay for my own meal out of "friendship," I'd definitely be reevaluating my "friendship" with such a rude and selfish person.  It's not up to you to decide what your guests need to spend money on.  You want to host them? Pay for the meal your fucking self.

PrettyGirlLost

FutureMrsRigone said:

Chances are that most people will bring something, but haven't put on the list what they are bringing. Do you really think some bride is asking some gross family member to bring food to the wedding? Unless you watch people cook, you have no idea what goes on in those kitchens.  People- even professional chefs and kitchen staff- can be incredibly dirty and unsanitary.  The difference with professional kitchens is that the local Health Department is supposed to regulate and monitor what goes on in there to help make sure you don't get sick after eating from a restaurant.  Only the Grace of God and a healthy immune system can protect you from a filthy friend's food.  Hell no! I totally agree that it is better for her to do something she can afford to do. It's also not entirely unheard of to do a potluck. Have you ever been to a potluck? Not a potluck freaking wedding.  Potlucks are for holiday cookouts, not a wedding.  The food is usually amazing! If the OP feels put out, then she should talk to her friend about it. Honestly, though if someone said they wouldn't go to my wedding because they didn't think they were being hosted properly, I wouldn't want them there. It shows how little you care about celebrating the part of the day that actually matters--the ceremony and their love!  I'll go and celebrate your ceremony with you, but I need to eat. . . at regular times or my blood sugar gets effed up.  I'm not willing to risk becoming diabetic for anyone's wedding, sorrynotsorry.  So if I don't think you are going to have sufficient food, I'm likely going to skip your reception or peace out early so i can go and get an actual meal. 

Ever see the sign up sheets for departmental pot luck meals?  80 people sign up to bring chips or side dishes because that's cheap!  No one volunteers to provide actual meal entrees for 80+ people, which is why the department typically pays for the real "meat" of the meals when we have potlucks in the hospital.

I imagine a wedding potluck for 100+ people being the same.

PrettyGirlLost

FutureMrsRigone said:

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO THINK I THINK YOU ALL COME FROM TRUST FUNDS:

I said that some do and others are just financially able to host an event in a way you find proper. Can you imagine how bad this bride would feel if she saw all of these people telling her she was celebrating her love wrong?

Celebrating her love and properly hosting her wedding GUESTS are two separate things.  They are mutually exclusive.

She can "celebrate her love" however the hell she wants to- she can bungee jump off a bridge and say her vows upside down.  But once she invites people to witness this jump, she needs to host them properly during the reception, which is an event meant to thank her guests for coming and witnessing her bungee jump of love.  And that means she needs to provide them food and drinks, on her own dime, not theirs.  She needs to provide the food to her guests, they should not be providing the food for her.