Not inviting cousin's SO

[Deleted User]

So I am getting married in three months and I am therefore finalizing invites. My extended family consists of primarily what people would consider "white trash" and my cousin is one of those people. She recently (about two months ago) started dating someone new. He's... not what I would call a winner. He's been unemployed for years and not even trying to find a job; he has offensive tattoos (as in very graphic tattoos of sexual intercourse, etc). You get the picture. 

I have been very diligent in following etiquette in everything, including inviting everyone's SOs, even if they have only been in a relationship for a few weeks. However, my parents are paying for a significant portion of the wedding (about 25%) and the only guest list ask they have made is that I do not invite this cousin's SO. They met the SO two weeks ago and I guess they were very uncomfortable around him. They said my grandparents felt the same way. (Note: I have not met him). They also think that this relationship won't last anyway so they think there's no harm in not inviting him.

So knotties: what should I do? Obviously I want to follow etiquette and I don't want to be rude to family. But on the other hand, there may be some family drama if I invite him, and this is the only request my parents have made even though "they who pay have a say." I will also add that I am not close with this cousin at all so I don't really mind if she decides not to come because of this, but I am pretty close with her older sister and her parents so I don't know how that will play out.

MyNameIsNot

wineandsunshine said:

So I am getting married in three months and I am therefore finalizing invites. My extended family consists of primarily what people would consider "white trash" and my cousin is one of those people. She recently (about two months ago) started dating someone new. He's... not what I would call a winner. He's been unemployed for years and not even trying to find a job; he has offensive tattoos (as in very graphic tattoos of sexual intercourse, etc). You get the picture. 

I have been very diligent in following etiquette in everything, including inviting everyone's SOs, even if they have only been in a relationship for a few weeks. However, my parents are paying for a significant portion of the wedding (about 25%) and the only guest list ask they have made is that I do not invite this cousin's SO. They met the SO two weeks ago and I guess they were very uncomfortable around him. They said my grandparents felt the same way. (Note: I have not met him). They also think that this relationship won't last anyway so they think there's no harm in not inviting him.

So knotties: what should I do? Obviously I want to follow etiquette and I don't want to be rude to family. But on the other hand, there may be some family drama if I invite him, and this is the only request my parents have made even though "they who pay have a say." I will also add that I am not close with this cousin at all so I don't really mind if she decides not to come because of this, but I am pretty close with her older sister and her parents so I don't know how that will play out.

If you don't care if the cousin comes at all, just don't invite her. Then the s/o is a non-issue. 

banana468

I'll admit it's tough when the hosts are saying that they don't want the SO invited but I'd stand your ground and I'd tell your parents that he needs to be included but:

1) If they break up then he's obviously not invited.

2) If something goes wrong then he'll be asked to leave.

I think it's not really fair to your cousin to leave her SO off the guest list.   And your parents need to understand that not everyone on the guest list is going to be like them.

redoryx

When my cousin was 16 she was dating someone who sounded very similar to your cousin's SO and I heard about the time my parents and some other extended family met him and nobody was impressed and everybody figured the relationship would end soon. 

20 years later, they have now been married for about 15 years now, have several beautiful children, and he's the most amazing father and husband and a good provider for his family.

Invite your cousin's SO

[Deleted User]

redoryx said:

When my cousin was 16 she was dating someone who sounded very similar to your cousin's SO and I heard about the time my parents and some other extended family met him and nobody was impressed and everybody figured the relationship would end soon. 

20 years later, they have now been married for about 15 years now, have several beautiful children, and he's the most amazing father and husband and a good provider for his family.

Invite your cousin's SO

I TOTALLY get this. But this man is 33, not 16. I'm not sure how time he really has to turn things around at this point. Like, they both already have kids from previous relationships and are not very good parents to them, etc. And I also just don't really care for the cousin, so even if her SO turns out to be really great to her and they get married, I just don't care. Maybe that makes me harsh, but she's not really the greatest person.

@MyNameIsNot if I just don't invite the cousin, will it be an issue if I invite her parents and siblings but not her?

(edited for grammar)

downtondiva

Unless you and your parents truly believe that your cousin's SO will put other guests or their property in danger, I don't think it's appropriate to exclude him if your cousin is invited. The only way to avoid it is not inviting your cousin at all.

MyNameIsNot

wineandsunshine said:

redoryx said:

When my cousin was 16 she was dating someone who sounded very similar to your cousin's SO and I heard about the time my parents and some other extended family met him and nobody was impressed and everybody figured the relationship would end soon. 

20 years later, they have now been married for about 15 years now, have several beautiful children, and he's the most amazing father and husband and a good provider for his family.

Invite your cousin's SO

I TOTALLY get this. But this man is 33, not 16. I'm not sure how time he really has to turn things around at this point. Like, they both already have kids from previous relationships and are not very good parents to them, etc. And I also just don't really care for the cousin, so even if her SO turns out to be really great to her and they get married, I just don't care. Maybe that makes me harsh, but she's not really the greatest person.

@MyNameIsNot if I just don't invite the cousin, will it be an issue if I invite her parents and siblings but not her?

(edited for grammar)

I don't know. There is no etiquette rule that says siblings are all or nothing or that you must invite all first cousins. 

That doesn't mean that there won't be family politics. I don't know your family; I don't know what they'll do. Considering that you aren't close to her, that your family members are so open about how they judge her, and that your parents and grandparents would be willing to publicly chastise her over her choice of partner, I wouldn't really see it being a huge drama-fest. But like I said, I don't know your family and I don't know any other facts. 

FWIW, I didn't invite one of my first cousins. He is an all around shitty person for a lot of reasons, but most of the older family members are not aware of most of the things he's done. I invited the rest of my first cousins, and even some of my second cousins from that side of the family. It was a non-issue. 

AddieCake

Don't invite her, and then you don't have to invite him.

kaitlynmichelle

Invite them both together, or don't invite either of them. There is no way around this. All you have to do is politely smile and thank them for coming, you (and your parents) don't have to hang out with them all night.

[Deleted User]

Thanks everyone. I hear what you're saying. I just spoke to my parents and it seems this is going to be a bigger issue than I thought though... apparently my grandparents will not come if this SO is invited. Family drama is the worst! 

I guess I'll just try to put my foot down but if worse comes to worst, I'll just take the hit of being rude with this one particular cousin for sake of my grandparents coming to the wedding. I don't think this is a hill I'm willing to die on, and I'm being really careful to host properly in all other respects.

lovegood90

wineandsunshine said:

Thanks everyone. I hear what you're saying. I just spoke to my parents and it seems this is going to be a bigger issue than I thought though... apparently my grandparents will not come if this SO is invited. Family drama is the worst! 

I guess I'll just try to put my foot down but if worse comes to worst, I'll just take the hit of being rude with this one particular cousin for sake of my grandparents coming to the wedding. I don't think this is a hill I'm willing to die on, and I'm being really careful to host properly in all other respects.

Sorry, but family acting like toddlers does not give you the excuse to be rude to people. If they don't come because of this one person, that's on them. Call their bluff.

[Deleted User]

lovegood90 said:

wineandsunshine said:

Thanks everyone. I hear what you're saying. I just spoke to my parents and it seems this is going to be a bigger issue than I thought though... apparently my grandparents will not come if this SO is invited. Family drama is the worst! 

I guess I'll just try to put my foot down but if worse comes to worst, I'll just take the hit of being rude with this one particular cousin for sake of my grandparents coming to the wedding. I don't think this is a hill I'm willing to die on, and I'm being really careful to host properly in all other respects.

Sorry, but family acting like toddlers does not give you the excuse to be rude to people. If they don't come because of this one person, that's on them. Call their bluff.

I just... I don't know. I don't think it's worth it. My grandparents are already having a hard time traveling three states over for the wedding (they're in their late 80s and my grandma has cancer). It's not like it's a HUGE thing that would be rude to everyone, like a PPD or a cash bar. 

Originally I came into this thread legitimately looking for advice but I think now I'm gonna just have to make my own decision and be that "rude bitch." I really do understand this is not the best thing to do, but it seems like the lesser of two evils at this point.

Thank you all for your insights though!

kaitlynmichelle

They are being ridiculous. I still recommend not inviting the cousin if you aren't inviting the SO.

I've been that cousin's SO (but the reason I wasn't invited was because of the no ring no bring bullshit, not because of being disliked). If you choose to not invite him anyway, don't be surprised if there is a falling out with those people.

Liatris2010

I completely get where you are coming from. I have two family members with SOs that the rest of the family loathes. LOATHES. We all (including me), really don't like these SOs. But I invited them anyway, because it was the right thing to do. As luck would have it, both relatives came and left their SOs home. There was no drama, and I feel good knowing I did the right thing, and didn't remind my relatives that their SOs are truly terrible humans. These relatives are reminded daily how much everyone hates their SOs, and while I hate their SOs too, I hate making the people I care about feel badly even more. You know what the right thing to do is. Do that.

SP29

You are not required to invite this one cousin because you invited her sister and parents. She is not a child, she is her own social unit. 

Jen4948

You don't have to invite this cousin, but if you do, you need to invite her SO. Disliking him is not a sufficient reason for not doing so, assuming that you want to be polite and do the right thing.

[Deleted User]

Jen4948 said:

You don't have to invite this cousin, but if you do, you need to invite her SO. Disliking him is not a sufficient reason for not doing so, assuming that you want to be polite and do the right thing.

At this point, it's not about disliking him. I haven't even met the guy, so maybe he's great, I don't know. It's about keeping my family happy. And I also don't care if I have a falling out with these people, so I don't really see a downside to inviting her but not him. And I also don't mind not being polite to her. I do mind being polite to everyone else though.

Is this really something worth getting my family upset over if I don't care what she does either way? I just think there has to be a limit to etiquette at some point, provided I'm not starving people or not giving them places to sit, etc, and that point seems to be keeping my grandma with cancer happy.

huskypuppy14

wineandsunshine said:

Jen4948 said:

You don't have to invite this cousin, but if you do, you need to invite her SO. Disliking him is not a sufficient reason for not doing so, assuming that you want to be polite and do the right thing.

At this point, it's not about disliking him. I haven't even met the guy, so maybe he's great, I don't know. It's about keeping my family happy. And I also don't care if I have a falling out with these people, so I don't really see a downside to inviting her but not him. And I also don't mind not being polite to her. I do mind being polite to everyone else though.

Is this really something worth getting my family upset over if I don't care what she does either way? I just think there has to be a limit to etiquette at some point, provided I'm not starving people or not giving them places to sit, etc, and that point seems to be keeping my grandma with cancer happy.

Then do not invite your cousin. Just don't invite her and there is no etiquette problem. It seems you don't care for her anyway and if your family is this vocal about it, it's probably for the best if she doesn't come. You don't have to invite her even if you invited her parents and siblings. 

Honestly, your family sounds snobby.

lovegood90

wineandsunshine said:

Jen4948 said:

You don't have to invite this cousin, but if you do, you need to invite her SO. Disliking him is not a sufficient reason for not doing so, assuming that you want to be polite and do the right thing.

At this point, it's not about disliking him. I haven't even met the guy, so maybe he's great, I don't know. It's about keeping my family happy. And I also don't care if I have a falling out with these people, so I don't really see a downside to inviting her but not him. And I also don't mind not being polite to her. I do mind being polite to everyone else though.

Is this really something worth getting my family upset over if I don't care what she does either way? I just think there has to be a limit to etiquette at some point, provided I'm not starving people or not giving them places to sit, etc, and that point seems to be keeping my grandma with cancer happy.

Wow, seriously? You don't care about being polite to her? Then don't freaking invite her! I'm sorry but having cancer doesn't mean you get to treat people like shit. My mom has cancer and she still manages to be gracious to those she dislikes.

If you think there's a "limit" to etiquette, go right ahead, but you're out of luck if you think you're going to convince people on an ETIQUETTE board otherwise.

Liatris2010

If you don't care about being polite to your cousin, don't invite her at all. It is better to not invite someone than invite them and intentionally treat them poorly.

LondonLisa

I think you certainly do have trashy people in your family but it isn't your cousin or her boyfriend. Anyone who judges other's character based on tattoos or socioeconomic status to the point where they can't even politely tolerate their company is utter garbage. Either invite them both or don't- but at least have the decency to answer your aunt/ uncle/ cousins honestly when they ask.

AddieCake

Yeah, if you don't mind not being polite to her, why would you even invite her?

flantastic

Liatris2010 said:

If you don't care about being polite to your cousin, don't invite her at all. It is better to not invite someone than invite them and intentionally treat them poorly.

Exactly. Here's what you tell your family: "I owe my cousin the basic standard of courtesy, which is to invite her SO if I invite her."

From there, you have two options:

Option 1: If you want their input, "You'll have to tell me what's more important to you - her being invited or him not being invited. Only one of those can happen."

Option 2: If you don't want their input, "It's not a discourtesy not to invite her, though, so I'll just leave them both off the guest list." or "So I'll be inviting them both."

redoryx

Look. You have two etiquette approved choices: Invite both or invite neither. 

Since it really doesn't sound like you care all that much about her or being a proper host to her, that seems like it's a pretty easy answer: just don't invite either of them.

artbyallie

It is actually more impolite to her to invite her without her SO.

kaos16

So this is how this post comes across to me. . . . . I plan to commit an etiquette faux pas, so let me throw enough buzzwords into my original post so that knotties will validate my idea.  Shoot, that didn't work!  Let me add followup posts with additional buzzwords so knotties will have to validate my bad idea.  Darn, that didn't work!  Fine, I'm going to do it anyway, I don't need your help anymore..........

Sorry we won't validate your plan.  Invite both, or neither, those are your options.  Good luck!

MyNameIsNot

Your grandmother is being shitty one in this situation. Being old and having cancer is no excuse for behaving like this. 

bethsmiles

Your grandparents would skip your wedding because someone they met once will (maybe) be in attendance? Wow, I'm surprised you aren't hurt by how little your grandparents care about your wedding. 

larrygaga

I was that cousin's SO that the family didn't like. 

-The bride divorced her husband like 6 months later

-I'm still with my FI, family loves and accepts me now

-Caused a lot of drama in their family that wasn't necessary

-Maybe forever ruined this relationship with the cousin and I. I didn't care at the time, but she's super awkward around me and actually thought I wouldn't invite her to our wedding! I've been nothing but sweetcakes to everyone. 

You either skip inviting the cousin, or invite both. Tattoos do not make a bad person. Your grandparents might but old, but being old is not an excuse to be intolerant. Tell them that. 

You can teach an old dog new tricks!

theartistformerlyknownas

If these people are so apparently lacking in social graces, who's to say this guy doesn't still show up with her if you do invite her anyway? Then what will you do? You think it's going to be any less dramatic trying to kick him out? 

Either be the bigger person and invite them both, or invite neither. 

Jen4948

wineandsunshine said:

Thanks everyone. I hear what you're saying. I just spoke to my parents and it seems this is going to be a bigger issue than I thought though... apparently my grandparents will not come if this SO is invited. Family drama is the worst! 

I guess I'll just try to put my foot down but if worse comes to worst, I'll just take the hit of being rude with this one particular cousin for sake of my grandparents coming to the wedding. I don't think this is a hill I'm willing to die on, and I'm being really careful to host properly in all other respects.

How well do you get along with your grandparents?  If any of mine refused to come to my wedding because another guest they didn't like was invited, I would be hurt that that mattered to them more than me.

If they are not paying, they should have no say whatsoever in your guest list.  I would tell your parents that you expect everyone to behave like mature adults, and if you are inviting your cousin, also invite her SO.  If your grandparents go storming out on finding out this SO is there, that reflects on their immaturity, not yours.