Not inviting cousin's SO

spglsp

kaitlynmichelle said:

They are being ridiculous. I still recommend not inviting the cousin if you aren't inviting the SO.

I've been that cousin's SO (but the reason I wasn't invited was because of the no ring no bring bullshit, not because of being disliked). If you choose to not invite him anyway, don't be surprised if there is a falling out with those people.

It sounds like we're past the point of a falling out with the cousin, which is why my vote is for don't invite either of them. It doesn't sounds like you even like her and she's a grown woman which means she doesn't fall under the "don't split up families" principle.

[Deleted User]

Thanks everyone for the input. Again, I really want to be courteous and I understand where you all are coming from. However, extenuating circumstances have brought this to a point that is beyond the Etiquette board and is something I need to discuss further with my family. I KNOW the etiquette-approved thing to do is to either not invite her, or invite her with her SO, but I'm not sure that can happen with the other things that are out of my control. I appreciate you all at least informing me of what is right.

Also, I'm a little insulted that you all think I think the guy's a bad person because of tattoos (I have tattoos, so...). I said I had never met him and so he might be the greatest guy ever, but my parents and grandparents are very judgmental of him and they actually have met him. Either way, the tattoos are not the problem. If I had to judge him, it would be for the fact he's got several kids and apparently has zero desire to provide for them (in either an emotional or a financial sense).

ashley8918

wineandsunshine said:

So I am getting married in three months and I am therefore finalizing invites. My extended family consists of primarily what people would consider "white trash" and my cousin is one of those people. She recently (about two months ago) started dating someone new. He's... not what I would call a winner. He's been unemployed for years and not even trying to find a job; he has offensive tattoos (as in very graphic tattoos of sexual intercourse, etc). You get the picture. 

I have been very diligent in following etiquette in everything, including inviting everyone's SOs, even if they have only been in a relationship for a few weeks. However, my parents are paying for a significant portion of the wedding (about 25%) and the only guest list ask they have made is that I do not invite this cousin's SO. They met the SO two weeks ago and I guess they were very uncomfortable around him. They said my grandparents felt the same way. (Note: I have not met him). They also think that this relationship won't last anyway so they think there's no harm in not inviting him.

So knotties: what should I do? Obviously I want to follow etiquette and I don't want to be rude to family. But on the other hand, there may be some family drama if I invite him, and this is the only request my parents have made even though "they who pay have a say." I will also add that I am not close with this cousin at all so I don't really mind if she decides not to come because of this, but I am pretty close with her older sister and her parents so I don't know how that will play out.

You sound judgmental and classist as fuck, and so does the rest of your family. Gross.

flantastic

wineandsunshine said:

Thanks everyone for the input. Again, I really want to be courteous and I understand where you all are coming from. However, extenuating circumstances have brought this to a point that is beyond the Etiquette board and is something I need to discuss further with my family. I KNOW the etiquette-approved thing to do is to either not invite her, or invite her with her SO, but I'm not sure that can happen with the other things that are out of my control. I appreciate you all at least informing me of what is right.

Also, I'm a little insulted that you all think I think the guy's a bad person because of tattoos (I have tattoos, so...). I said I had never met him and so he might be the greatest guy ever, but my parents and grandparents are very judgmental of him and they actually have met him. Either way, the tattoos are not the problem. If I had to judge him, it would be for the fact he's got several kids and apparently has zero desire to provide for them (in either an emotional or a financial sense).

No, you can still do the right thing if you grow a backbone and just say what I laid out for you. It's not "beyond" etiquette - you have to treat your cousin and her SO with respect, or you're being a jerk, no matter what the family pressures are.

lovegood90

wineandsunshine said:

Thanks everyone for the input. Again, I really want to be courteous and I understand where you all are coming from. However, extenuating circumstances have brought this to a point that is beyond the Etiquette board and is something I need to discuss further with my family. I KNOW the etiquette-approved thing to do is to either not invite her, or invite her with her SO, but I'm not sure that can happen with the other things that are out of my control. I appreciate you all at least informing me of what is right.

Also, I'm a little insulted that you all think I think the guy's a bad person because of tattoos (I have tattoos, so...). I said I had never met him and so he might be the greatest guy ever, but my parents and grandparents are very judgmental of him and they actually have met him. Either way, the tattoos are not the problem. If I had to judge him, it would be for the fact he's got several kids and apparently has zero desire to provide for them (in either an emotional or a financial sense).

Ahh, the classic "thanks for the advice but it wasn't what I want to hear but thanks anyway" post. Hope you and your family have a good time at your wedding. You'll certainly all have a good view of it from up there on your high horse.

BTW, no situation is ever "beyond etiquette." It is always in your control and choice to follow etiquette. Just own that you're being rude and leave this guy's parenting habits, the cancer, and whatever else out of it.

ashley8918

Oh, and having cancer is no excuse for being an asshole.

[Deleted User]

Seriously, you all do not know everything (my invites are mysteriously missing, my sister's college fund is now at issue... ugh my family is a hot mess). I'd really appreciate it if you could stop butting into things you don't know about. I KNOW my family is being shitty. I really do. You all saying these things is just making this worse. Please. I'm sorry that there is only so much I can do to implement your advice. Please know I truly do appreciate it though, and I AM trying. 

[Deleted User]

lovegood90 said:

wineandsunshine said:

Thanks everyone for the input. Again, I really want to be courteous and I understand where you all are coming from. However, extenuating circumstances have brought this to a point that is beyond the Etiquette board and is something I need to discuss further with my family. I KNOW the etiquette-approved thing to do is to either not invite her, or invite her with her SO, but I'm not sure that can happen with the other things that are out of my control. I appreciate you all at least informing me of what is right.

Also, I'm a little insulted that you all think I think the guy's a bad person because of tattoos (I have tattoos, so...). I said I had never met him and so he might be the greatest guy ever, but my parents and grandparents are very judgmental of him and they actually have met him. Either way, the tattoos are not the problem. If I had to judge him, it would be for the fact he's got several kids and apparently has zero desire to provide for them (in either an emotional or a financial sense).

Ahh, the classic "thanks for the advice but it wasn't what I want to hear but thanks anyway" post. Hope you and your family have a good time at your wedding. You'll certainly all have a good view of it from up there on your high horse.

BTW, no situation is ever "beyond etiquette." It is always in your control and choice to follow etiquette. Just own that you're being rude and leave this guy's parenting habits, the cancer, and whatever else out of it.

I AM owning up to being rude. I know this is rude. I am honestly taking your advice to heart, there just isn't much I can do. I'm being a complete ass. I know. Thanks.

ashley8918

wineandsunshine said:

Seriously, you all do not know everything (my invites are mysteriously missing, my sister's college fund is now at issue... ugh my family is a hot mess). I'd really appreciate it if you could stop butting into things you don't know about. I KNOW my family is being shitty. I really do. You all saying these things is just making this worse. Please. I'm sorry that there is only so much I can do to implement your advice. Please know I truly do appreciate it though, and I AM trying. 

ashley8918

wineandsunshine said:

You don't have to invite this cousin, but if you do, you need to invite her SO. Disliking him is not a sufficient reason for not doing so, assuming that you want to be polite and do the right thing.

At this point, it's not about disliking him. I haven't even met the guy, so maybe he's great, I don't know. It's about keeping my family happy. And I also don't care if I have a falling out with these people, so I don't really see a downside to inviting her but not him. And I also don't mind not being polite to her. I do mind being polite to everyone else though.

Is this really something worth getting my family upset over if I don't care what she does either way? I just think there has to be a limit to etiquette at some point, provided I'm not starving people or not giving them places to sit, etc, and that point seems to be keeping my grandma with cancer happy.

Any chance your grandma has worked approximately 7000 jobs? 

flantastic

wineandsunshine said:

Seriously, you all do not know everything (my invites are mysteriously missing, my sister's college fund is now at issue... ugh my family is a hot mess). I'd really appreciate it if you could stop butting into things you don't know about. I KNOW my family is being shitty. I really do. You all saying these things is just making this worse. Please. I'm sorry that there is only so much I can do to implement your advice. Please know I truly do appreciate it though, and I AM trying. 

Then tell them they are being shitty, and do your own thing. These really aren't extenuating circumstances. They might suck, and I'm sorry you're dealing with them being shitty, but they don't actually affect this if you don't let them. You are allowing this behavior, and you truly do not have to. You might actually gain some respect and cooperation in the process.

redoryx

wineandsunshine said:

Thanks everyone for the input. Again, I really want to be courteous and I understand where you all are coming from. However, extenuating circumstances have brought this to a point that is beyond the Etiquette board and is something I need to discuss further with my family. I KNOW the etiquette-approved thing to do is to either not invite her, or invite her with her SO, but I'm not sure that can happen with the other things that are out of my control. I appreciate you all at least informing me of what is right.

Also, I'm a little insulted that you all think I think the guy's a bad person because of tattoos (I have tattoos, so...). I said I had never met him and so he might be the greatest guy ever, but my parents and grandparents are very judgmental of him and they actually have met him. Either way, the tattoos are not the problem. If I had to judge him, it would be for the fact he's got several kids and apparently has zero desire to provide for them (in either an emotional or a financial sense).

So all you know about this guy is coming from the mouths of other people who clearly don't like him? 

Here's an idea: DON'T JUDGE HIM AT ALL. 

yogapants

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

redoryx

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

[Deleted User]

redoryx said:

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

Jesus, I am paying for my own wedding. My parents are only paying for a small portion, and my FI can cover it ourselves if we needed to. But thanks for assuming the worst of me. However, my grandparents are paying for my little sister's college, and it's a fund that my cousin has access to as well. The SO is making a move on it, at least according to the grandparents. I promise you there are a lot of extraneous circumstances right now that NONE of you know about. We are now trying to get the cousin out of the relationship for reasons stated above as well as other ones. Again, I'd really appreciate it if you all butted out. If I have to be rude to my cousin so that my sister's college isn't in jeopardy, I'm going to do that. But if I had a choice, I would obviously follow etiquette and thank you all again for your help with that.

Liatris2010

wineandsunshine said:

redoryx said:

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

Jesus, I am paying for my own wedding. My parents are only paying for a small portion, and my FI can cover it ourselves if we needed to. But thanks for assuming the worst of me. However, my grandparents are paying for my little sister's college, and it's a fund that my cousin has access to as well. The SO is making a move on it, at least according to the grandparents. I promise you there are a lot of extraneous circumstances right now that NONE of you know about. We are now trying to get the cousin out of the relationship for reasons stated above as well as other ones. Again, I'd really appreciate it if you all butted out. If I have to be rude to my cousin so that my sister's college isn't in jeopardy, I'm going to do that. But if I had a choice, I would obviously follow etiquette and thank you all again for your help with that.

How does inviting your cousin, but not her SO protect your sister's college fund? Will her college money be on an unattended table during the reception, and you are afraid the SO will walk off with it?

redoryx

wineandsunshine said:

redoryx said:

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

Jesus, I am paying for my own wedding. My parents are only paying for a small portion, and my FI can cover it ourselves if we needed to. But thanks for assuming the worst of me. However, my grandparents are paying for my little sister's college, and it's a fund that my cousin has access to as well. The SO is making a move on it, at least according to the grandparents. I promise you there are a lot of extraneous circumstances right now that NONE of you know about. We are now trying to get the cousin out of the relationship for reasons stated above as well as other ones. Again, I'd really appreciate it if you all butted out. If I have to be rude to my cousin so that my sister's college isn't in jeopardy, I'm going to do that. But if I had a choice, I would obviously follow etiquette and thank you all again for your help with that.

I wasn't trying to assume the worst but we can only go by what you tell us, so don't get pissed at us because you didn't share some oh-so-important information that somehow will make your plan to be rude to your cousin magically okay.

[Deleted User]

Also, I will say that I've really loved lurking the Etiquette boards over the last few months as I've planned my wedding. You all helped me avoid some things that are serious etiquette no-nos but are traditional in my family, such as a money dance and a cash bar. However, it boggles the mind how quick you all are to judge and make assumptions about me just because I'm going to break one etiquette rule. When people have PPDs and such they are rude but they just get an eyeroll. I break one thing, and now I'm a tattoo-hating, prissy, can't-stick-up-for-herself person who's not paying for her own wedding. NONE of which are true. However, feel free to continue thinking I'm rude, because I know I am being rude, and I have ALWAYS owned up to that. I just tend to prioritize my grandparents and sister over my cousin. And if my cousin hates me for it, oh well.

I can't even believe I am having this argument with people over the internet. This is really my fault for continuing to come back here and trying to defend myself. I need to just let things ago, especially since I don't want to disclose my whole family's dirty laundry on the internet any more than I already have.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with my choice of words. I know I can get fired up and defensive, and I apologize if I've said anything that sounds entitled or prissy or that came across as offensive to anyone. I came here seeking one thing, and you all helped me with that. However, circumstances changed and I don't want to go more into it besides just saying that I can't take your advice anymore no matter how much I want to. There (unfortunately) is more to life than etiquette. And if you think there isn't, then I simply respectfully disagree. I'm sure the world will continue spinning if I don't invite my cousin's SO.

[Deleted User]

redoryx said:

wineandsunshine said:

redoryx said:

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

Jesus, I am paying for my own wedding. My parents are only paying for a small portion, and my FI can cover it ourselves if we needed to. But thanks for assuming the worst of me. However, my grandparents are paying for my little sister's college, and it's a fund that my cousin has access to as well. The SO is making a move on it, at least according to the grandparents. I promise you there are a lot of extraneous circumstances right now that NONE of you know about. We are now trying to get the cousin out of the relationship for reasons stated above as well as other ones. Again, I'd really appreciate it if you all butted out. If I have to be rude to my cousin so that my sister's college isn't in jeopardy, I'm going to do that. But if I had a choice, I would obviously follow etiquette and thank you all again for your help with that.

I wasn't trying to assume the worst but we can only go by what you tell us, so don't get pissed at us because you didn't share some oh-so-important information that somehow will make your plan to be rude to your cousin magically okay.

I know it's not okay to be rude to her, and it isn't going to be. I just was informing you all that I have to break etiquette. Apparently I should have just said "thanks" and been done with it. My fault, and my apologies to you all.

(edit: grammar)

flantastic

wineandsunshine said:

redoryx said:

wineandsunshine said:

redoryx said:

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

Jesus, I am paying for my own wedding. My parents are only paying for a small portion, and my FI can cover it ourselves if we needed to. But thanks for assuming the worst of me. However, my grandparents are paying for my little sister's college, and it's a fund that my cousin has access to as well. The SO is making a move on it, at least according to the grandparents. I promise you there are a lot of extraneous circumstances right now that NONE of you know about. We are now trying to get the cousin out of the relationship for reasons stated above as well as other ones. Again, I'd really appreciate it if you all butted out. If I have to be rude to my cousin so that my sister's college isn't in jeopardy, I'm going to do that. But if I had a choice, I would obviously follow etiquette and thank you all again for your help with that.

I wasn't trying to assume the worst but we can only go by what you tell us, so don't get pissed at us because you didn't share some oh-so-important information that somehow will make your plan to be rude to your cousin magically okay.

I know it's not okay to be rude to her, and it isn't going to be. I just was informing you all that I have to break etiquette. Apparently I should have just said "thanks" and been done with it. My fault, and my apologies to you all.

(edit: grammar)

I'm still pretty sure there's no reason you "have" to.

MyNameIsNot

wineandsunshine said:

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

Jesus, I am paying for my own wedding. My parents are only paying for a small portion, and my FI can cover it ourselves if we needed to. But thanks for assuming the worst of me. However, my grandparents are paying for my little sister's college, and it's a fund that my cousin has access to as well. The SO is making a move on it, at least according to the grandparents. I promise you there are a lot of extraneous circumstances right now that NONE of you know about. We are now trying to get the cousin out of the relationship for reasons stated above as well as other ones. Again, I'd really appreciate it if you all butted out. If I have to be rude to my cousin so that my sister's college isn't in jeopardy, I'm going to do that. But if I had a choice, I would obviously follow etiquette and thank you all again for your help with that.


This just gets worse and worse.  

Please just exclude the cousin altogether. Not only is your family pushing you to treat her badly, but now "we" insist upon treating her like a child and make her relationship decisions for her. Let her avoid the humiliation. 

The way you and your family treat this cousin is detestable. 

[Deleted User]

MyNameIsNot said:

wineandsunshine said:

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

Jesus, I am paying for my own wedding. My parents are only paying for a small portion, and my FI can cover it ourselves if we needed to. But thanks for assuming the worst of me. However, my grandparents are paying for my little sister's college, and it's a fund that my cousin has access to as well. The SO is making a move on it, at least according to the grandparents. I promise you there are a lot of extraneous circumstances right now that NONE of you know about. We are now trying to get the cousin out of the relationship for reasons stated above as well as other ones. Again, I'd really appreciate it if you all butted out. If I have to be rude to my cousin so that my sister's college isn't in jeopardy, I'm going to do that. But if I had a choice, I would obviously follow etiquette and thank you all again for your help with that.

This just gets worse and worse.  

Please just exclude the cousin altogether. Not only is your family pushing you to treat her badly, but now "we" insist upon treating her like a child and make her relationship decisions for her. Let her avoid the humiliation. 

The way you and your family treat this cousin is detestable. 

I'm sorry, but I don't believe you have all the facts. Would you let your cousin stay in an abusive relationship?

Jen4948

wineandsunshine said:

MyNameIsNot said:

wineandsunshine said:

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

Jesus, I am paying for my own wedding. My parents are only paying for a small portion, and my FI can cover it ourselves if we needed to. But thanks for assuming the worst of me. However, my grandparents are paying for my little sister's college, and it's a fund that my cousin has access to as well. The SO is making a move on it, at least according to the grandparents. I promise you there are a lot of extraneous circumstances right now that NONE of you know about. We are now trying to get the cousin out of the relationship for reasons stated above as well as other ones. Again, I'd really appreciate it if you all butted out. If I have to be rude to my cousin so that my sister's college isn't in jeopardy, I'm going to do that. But if I had a choice, I would obviously follow etiquette and thank you all again for your help with that.

This just gets worse and worse.  

Please just exclude the cousin altogether. Not only is your family pushing you to treat her badly, but now "we" insist upon treating her like a child and make her relationship decisions for her. Let her avoid the humiliation. 

The way you and your family treat this cousin is detestable. 

I'm sorry, but I don't believe you have all the facts. Would you let your cousin stay in an abusive relationship?

We don't need all the facts, because they are not relevant with regards to the etiquette of this situation. The thing is, your cousin doesn't need your permission or anyone else's to be in that relationship.  She's an adult.  As horrible as her SO might be, it's not up to you or anyone else to decide whether she can be in that relationship, and as long as she decides that this guy is her SO, everyone else, you included, needs to respect that-even if you think he's a jerk.

If he's physically or emotionally abusive, you can counsel her to get out of the relationship, but you cannot force her to give him up.  Nor is there any polite way to invite her to your wedding without also inviting him.  So if you don't want to invite him, you have to not invite her.  If you do want to invite her, you have to invite him.

redoryx

Interesting. At the start the only issue was that he was tattooed, non-working "white trash." 

[Deleted User]

redoryx said:

Interesting. At the start the only issue was that he was tattooed, non-working "white trash." 

Did I not say new developments were happening? At this point, you all can think whatever you want of me, but I'm standing my ground, and I'm admitting I'm rude. Good bye, forum!

MyNameIsNot

songtime0873 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

wineandsunshine said:

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

Jesus, I am paying for my own wedding. My parents are only paying for a small portion, and my FI can cover it ourselves if we needed to. But thanks for assuming the worst of me. However, my grandparents are paying for my little sister's college, and it's a fund that my cousin has access to as well. The SO is making a move on it, at least according to the grandparents. I promise you there are a lot of extraneous circumstances right now that NONE of you know about. We are now trying to get the cousin out of the relationship for reasons stated above as well as other ones. Again, I'd really appreciate it if you all butted out. If I have to be rude to my cousin so that my sister's college isn't in jeopardy, I'm going to do that. But if I had a choice, I would obviously follow etiquette and thank you all again for your help with that.

This just gets worse and worse.  

Please just exclude the cousin altogether. Not only is your family pushing you to treat her badly, but now "we" insist upon treating her like a child and make her relationship decisions for her. Let her avoid the humiliation. 

The way you and your family treat this cousin is detestable. 

I'm sorry, but I don't believe you have all the facts. Would you let your cousin stay in an abusive relationship?

_______________________________

Yes, I would, because I know that you cannot force an adult to get out of a relationship, abusive or not. Having spent a good part of my career working with abusive victims, I am well aware that the victim has to decide to get out when she/he is ready, and on her/his own terms. I also know that trying to force a victim to get out before she/he is ready will often backfire, making her cling tighter to the abuser and encouraging her to cut ties with friends and family who try to encourage her to end the relationship. 

I also know that this is not an abusive relationship. If it were, you would have included in your OP. Instead, you said that "he might be a great guy". I also know that excluding an abusive spouse from an invitation is sure to result in an attack on the victim. If he were abusive, he would see the exclusion as her telling her family bad things about him and turning them against him. 

This is way past being rude. You should be ashamed of the way your family treats this cousin. I'm sad that you won't stand up and do something about it, rather than pile on and make excuses for yourself. 

Jen4948

MyNameIsNot said:

songtime0873 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

wineandsunshine said:

yogapants said:

What on earth do missing invitations and your sister's college fund have to do with your cousin's SO?

And I'm not sure how any of this is "butting in". You posted about a situation, people gave you advice based on what you posted, you didn't like the advice. This isn't someone eavesdropping on a private conversation. You put the information out there.

And by the way, any time you use the phrase "white trash" you have already gotten on the bad side of a good portion of your audience.

I'm gonna guess that someone other than the OP and her FI are paying for the wedding and it's gone over budget so some money has to be pulled from the sister's college fund to cover the costs.

Here's another idea, OP: Pay for your own wedding. Then you can invite (or not invite) whoever you want and nobody else gets any say in the guest list.

Jesus, I am paying for my own wedding. My parents are only paying for a small portion, and my FI can cover it ourselves if we needed to. But thanks for assuming the worst of me. However, my grandparents are paying for my little sister's college, and it's a fund that my cousin has access to as well. The SO is making a move on it, at least according to the grandparents. I promise you there are a lot of extraneous circumstances right now that NONE of you know about. We are now trying to get the cousin out of the relationship for reasons stated above as well as other ones. Again, I'd really appreciate it if you all butted out. If I have to be rude to my cousin so that my sister's college isn't in jeopardy, I'm going to do that. But if I had a choice, I would obviously follow etiquette and thank you all again for your help with that.

This just gets worse and worse.  

Please just exclude the cousin altogether. Not only is your family pushing you to treat her badly, but now "we" insist upon treating her like a child and make her relationship decisions for her. Let her avoid the humiliation. 

The way you and your family treat this cousin is detestable. 

I'm sorry, but I don't believe you have all the facts. Would you let your cousin stay in an abusive relationship?

_______________________________

Yes, I would, because I know that you cannot force an adult to get out of a relationship, abusive or not. Having spent a good part of my career working with abusive victims, I am well aware that the victim has to decide to get out when she/he is ready, and on her/his own terms. I also know that trying to force a victim to get out before she/he is ready will often backfire, making her cling tighter to the abuser and encouraging her to cut ties with friends and family who try to encourage her to end the relationship. 

I also know that this is not an abusive relationship. If it were, you would have included in your OP. Instead, you said that "he might be a great guy". I also know that excluding an abusive spouse from an invitation is sure to result in an attack on the victim. If he were abusive, he would see the exclusion as her telling her family bad things about him and turning them against him. 

This is way past being rude. You should be ashamed of the way your family treats this cousin. I'm sad that you won't stand up and do something about it, rather than pile on and make excuses for yourself. 

Not making excuses for the OP, but...

You don't know the bolded because you don't know the guy either.  And true abusiveness IS a good reason for excluding an SO-because he might pose a safety threat to other people at the wedding besides his SO.  Physically abusive people tend to hurt more people than their SOs.  For that reason alone, he should not be invited.  Inviting him makes no guarantees as to the cousin's safety.  Neither does not inviting him.

That said, both the cousin and the SO should not be invited-for the reason that the OP doesn't want to invite either of them.