Wedding Party

Self Invited Flower Girl

Hey Knotties,

I'm having a bit of a family difficulty. FI and I picked our bridal parties, including one flower girl and one ring bearer -- one from his family and one from mine. We did this because we didn't want a lot of kids running around and we wanted to be fair and respectful to both sides of the family.

Well one little cousin on FI's side (I say little, the kid is 10) heard she wasn't going to be a flower girl. We chose another cousin, who is younger and who I get along with a lot better. In addition, younger cousin has never been a flower girl while older cousin has. It was never meant to be a snub. We picked one from each side, remember. To be fair and to keep the kids numbers down.

Well the 10 year old (and, I imagine, her mother) heard about it and must have flipped out because they had another family member email us asking us to make 10 year old a Junior Bridesmaid or something because she was SO UPSET she wasn't in the wedding. 

WTF!?!

It gets worse. We start delving into what the actual fuck is going on, and start hearing things like this:

"FI's sister was a junior bridesmaid in 10-year-old's-mom's wedding so it's only fair."
"The more kids the better. Kids are so cute I love kids!"
"It's easier if you just go along with it."

Eventually we stood our ground and said no. They came back again -- can she just hand out programs or something? I said I'll put the programs in a basket and the kid can hand them out if she wants. I doubt she'll actually want to but whatever. 

Done, right?

Few months go by. 10 year old and her cousin suddenly have the same flower girl dresses (I let the flower girl and the bridesmaids all pick their own with the request they wear navy). During a family gathering, both girls were parading up and down the lawn throwing dandelions, with the 10 year old shouting how she's practicing to be a flower girl. Her mom posts pictures on Facebook of the whole thing -- Look at the cute flower girls!! So it came up again with FI and his parents (please note parents raised this, FI and I did not). Everyone keeps telling me on the day of none of it will matter just enjoy yourself.

Here's the thing. 99.9% of the stupid stuff won't matter on the day of. I know that. But I hate, hate, HATE special snowflakes. It drives me insane. So when the 10 year old's mother tries to push her down the aisle or shove her into wedding party photos (it was even recommended that I take two sets of wedding party photos, ones with this girl in them and ones without this girl in them) I am going to call them on it. I just know I will. And I just know that's how they're going to behave -- at least, if current and past behavior is any indication. 

She's not a flower girl (and after all this bullshit I can safely say there's a reason she's not a flower girl now). She will not be in the wedding party photos, I don't care how she's dressed. She is family, and will be in all the family photos. I don't understand why that's not enough. I also don't understand why it's okay to buy a future slot for yourself or your spawn in someone else's wedding by having junior bridesmaids (whatever the fuck that is) so you can cash that in later. I just ... I just can't.

The question I keep coming back to is: If this is not a big deal like everyone keeps telling me, why do I keep being put in this position? And how do I try to handle this going forward?

Thanks all. 

Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 

Re: Self Invited Flower Girl

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If the Mom posts pictures with subtitles "look at the cute flower girls" you need to remind her that her child is not a flower girl.  Keep reminding every time anything like this happens.  Then talk to your DOC or venue coordinator.  Let that person know that only Little Susie is the only flower girl and make sure that anyone who is not in the wedding party does not walk down the aisle during the processional.

    Do not invite these people to the RD.  Do not give them specifics on what time the wedding party is getting to the ceremony location.

    I really don't understand why people do this, except that they are crazy nuts and think that their children need to be in everything.  This kid needs to learn that she cannot always get her way and the parent need to learn that their kid is not always welcomed.

    Oh and since this is your FIs side, then he gets to deal with this moving forward.  Just make sure you both are on the same page.

    Fosmoh
  • THIS is why we are not having either.. too many kids in the family and I don't want to hear about it if I pick one. Just keep saying it over and over, "she is not a flower girl", after that you have done everything you can.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    My problem is that the mom only posted it on social media. So either I bring it up to her when I see her next or start a fight on Facebook. If it comes up when I'm around I'm happy to say "Well Suzie, our flower girl...." The mom knows better than to bring it up in any manner I can politely get a say in.

    Maybe that's another idea though. If it comes up again with any of the family I'll just say "This issue is done and if it keeps coming back no one's going to be a flower girl or a program girl. It'll be the wedding party and our sassy but well-behaved little ring bearer and everybody else can be a guest and eat the food or they can not show up."

    The family all gossips with each other so that would spread like wildfire.....

    I'm kidding.

    I think I'm kidding.

    Right now it's 50/50 if I'll do this. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    frenchiekinspglspAuroraRose41
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    MegEn1 said:
    My problem is that the mom only posted it on social media. So either I bring it up to her when I see her next or start a fight on Facebook. If it comes up when I'm around I'm happy to say "Well Suzie, our flower girl...." The mom knows better than to bring it up in any manner I can politely get a say in.

    Maybe that's another idea though. If it comes up again with any of the family I'll just say "This issue is done and if it keeps coming back no one's going to be a flower girl or a program girl. It'll be the wedding party and our sassy but well-behaved little ring bearer and everybody else can be a guest and eat the food or they can not show up."

    The family all gossips with each other so that would spread like wildfire.....

    I'm kidding.

    I think I'm kidding.

    Right now it's 50/50 if I'll do this. 

    MegEn1 said:
    My problem is that the mom only posted it on social media. So either I bring it up to her when I see her next or start a fight on Facebook. If it comes up when I'm around I'm happy to say "Well Suzie, our flower girl...." The mom knows better than to bring it up in any manner I can politely get a say in.

    Maybe that's another idea though. If it comes up again with any of the family I'll just say "This issue is done and if it keeps coming back no one's going to be a flower girl or a program girl. It'll be the wedding party and our sassy but well-behaved little ring bearer and everybody else can be a guest and eat the food or they can not show up."

    The family all gossips with each other so that would spread like wildfire.....

    I'm kidding.

    I think I'm kidding.

    Right now it's 50/50 if I'll do this. 
    I wouldn't suggest doing anything over facebook, but when you saw the post you could have had your FI correct his cousin via text or over the phone.

    And as much as it may sound like a good idea on just nixing the flower girl all together Little Suzie didn't do anything wrong so kicking her out would just be unfair.  Just keep tabs on this person and what she says/posts and keep having your FI remind her as often as necessary.  To the point of being annoying.  Maybe it will finally sink in.  Maybe.

  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Oh no, I didn't mean I'd boot little Suzie. Suzie's the bestest, when the other little kids are mean to me she's like "NO! Stop it, she's so nice don't call her names!" The kid's like five and she stands up to other small children for me when I tell them to stop running around or shouting in my ear or whatever. Seriously I would walk through fire for this kid, I'd never hurt her.

    But if I drop that line once in frustration and it wiggles through the grapevine I'm hoping that it would get others to STFU. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    Be honest on FB.   If she posts that the 10 yo is a FG, say, "That's so wonderful for her!   What wedding is she in?"  

    Because if you act honestly surprised she'll have no choice but to look like she's now wrestling with you. 
    I kinda love this.

    These people are crazy. I don't know what you can do other than remain calm and have your FI step in. They are his family, after all. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MegEn1 said:
    Hey Knotties,

    I'm having a bit of a family difficulty. FI and I picked our bridal parties, including one flower girl and one ring bearer -- one from his family and one from mine. We did this because we didn't want a lot of kids running around and we wanted to be fair and respectful to both sides of the family.

    Well one little cousin on FI's side (I say little, the kid is 10) heard she wasn't going to be a flower girl. We chose another cousin, who is younger and who I get along with a lot better. In addition, younger cousin has never been a flower girl while older cousin has. It was never meant to be a snub. We picked one from each side, remember. To be fair and to keep the kids numbers down.

    Well the 10 year old (and, I imagine, her mother) heard about it and must have flipped out because they had another family member email us asking us to make 10 year old a Junior Bridesmaid or something because she was SO UPSET she wasn't in the wedding. 

    WTF!?!

    It gets worse. We start delving into what the actual fuck is going on, and start hearing things like this:

    "FI's sister was a junior bridesmaid in 10-year-old's-mom's wedding so it's only fair."
    "The more kids the better. Kids are so cute I love kids!"
    "It's easier if you just go along with it."

    Eventually we stood our ground and said no. They came back again -- can she just hand out programs or something? I said I'll put the programs in a basket and the kid can hand them out if she wants. I doubt she'll actually want to but whatever. 

    Done, right?

    Few months go by. 10 year old and her cousin suddenly have the same flower girl dresses (I let the flower girl and the bridesmaids all pick their own with the request they wear navy). During a family gathering, both girls were parading up and down the lawn throwing dandelions, with the 10 year old shouting how she's practicing to be a flower girl. Her mom posts pictures on Facebook of the whole thing -- Look at the cute flower girls!! So it came up again with FI and his parents (please note parents raised this, FI and I did not). Everyone keeps telling me on the day of none of it will matter just enjoy yourself.

    Here's the thing. 99.9% of the stupid stuff won't matter on the day of. I know that. But I hate, hate, HATE special snowflakes. It drives me insane. So when the 10 year old's mother tries to push her down the aisle or shove her into wedding party photos (it was even recommended that I take two sets of wedding party photos, ones with this girl in them and ones without this girl in them) I am going to call them on it. I just know I will. And I just know that's how they're going to behave -- at least, if current and past behavior is any indication. 

    She's not a flower girl (and after all this bullshit I can safely say there's a reason she's not a flower girl now). She will not be in the wedding party photos, I don't care how she's dressed. She is family, and will be in all the family photos. I don't understand why that's not enough. I also don't understand why it's okay to buy a future slot for yourself or your spawn in someone else's wedding by having junior bridesmaids (whatever the fuck that is) so you can cash that in later. I just ... I just can't.

    The question I keep coming back to is: If this is not a big deal like everyone keeps telling me, why do I keep being put in this position? And how do I try to handle this going forward?

    Thanks all. 

    ****** Boxes*******

    Your FI needs to step in and address this with the mother.  FI needs call this cousin out and say, "Sorry, there must be a communication problem.  Your daughter is not a flower girl in our wedding."

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    MegEn1 said:
    Oh no, I didn't mean I'd boot little Suzie. Suzie's the bestest, when the other little kids are mean to me she's like "NO! Stop it, she's so nice don't call her names!" The kid's like five and she stands up to other small children for me when I tell them to stop running around or shouting in my ear or whatever. Seriously I would walk through fire for this kid, I'd never hurt her.

    But if I drop that line once in frustration and it wiggles through the grapevine I'm hoping that it would get others to STFU. 
    Ooh, gotcha!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    MegEn1 said:
    Hey Knotties,

    I'm having a bit of a family difficulty. FI and I picked our bridal parties, including one flower girl and one ring bearer -- one from his family and one from mine. We did this because we didn't want a lot of kids running around and we wanted to be fair and respectful to both sides of the family.

    Well one little cousin on FI's side (I say little, the kid is 10) heard she wasn't going to be a flower girl. We chose another cousin, who is younger and who I get along with a lot better. In addition, younger cousin has never been a flower girl while older cousin has. It was never meant to be a snub. We picked one from each side, remember. To be fair and to keep the kids numbers down.

    Well the 10 year old (and, I imagine, her mother) heard about it and must have flipped out because they had another family member email us asking us to make 10 year old a Junior Bridesmaid or something because she was SO UPSET she wasn't in the wedding. 

    WTF!?!

    It gets worse. We start delving into what the actual fuck is going on, and start hearing things like this:

    "FI's sister was a junior bridesmaid in 10-year-old's-mom's wedding so it's only fair."
    "The more kids the better. Kids are so cute I love kids!"
    "It's easier if you just go along with it."

    Eventually we stood our ground and said no. They came back again -- can she just hand out programs or something? I said I'll put the programs in a basket and the kid can hand them out if she wants. I doubt she'll actually want to but whatever. 

    Done, right?

    Few months go by. 10 year old and her cousin suddenly have the same flower girl dresses (I let the flower girl and the bridesmaids all pick their own with the request they wear navy). During a family gathering, both girls were parading up and down the lawn throwing dandelions, with the 10 year old shouting how she's practicing to be a flower girl. Her mom posts pictures on Facebook of the whole thing -- Look at the cute flower girls!! So it came up again with FI and his parents (please note parents raised this, FI and I did not). Everyone keeps telling me on the day of none of it will matter just enjoy yourself.

    Here's the thing. 99.9% of the stupid stuff won't matter on the day of. I know that. But I hate, hate, HATE special snowflakes. It drives me insane. So when the 10 year old's mother tries to push her down the aisle or shove her into wedding party photos (it was even recommended that I take two sets of wedding party photos, ones with this girl in them and ones without this girl in them) I am going to call them on it. I just know I will. And I just know that's how they're going to behave -- at least, if current and past behavior is any indication. 

    She's not a flower girl (and after all this bullshit I can safely say there's a reason she's not a flower girl now). She will not be in the wedding party photos, I don't care how she's dressed. She is family, and will be in all the family photos. I don't understand why that's not enough. I also don't understand why it's okay to buy a future slot for yourself or your spawn in someone else's wedding by having junior bridesmaids (whatever the fuck that is) so you can cash that in later. I just ... I just can't.

    The question I keep coming back to is: If this is not a big deal like everyone keeps telling me, why do I keep being put in this position? And how do I try to handle this going forward?

    Thanks all. 

    ****** Boxes*******

    Your FI needs to step in and address this with the mother.  FI needs call this cousin out and say, "Sorry, there must be a communication problem.  Your daughter is not a flower girl in our wedding."


    Truly.  And he needs to require that she stop posting on Facebook that her daughter is a flower girl.  Doesn't matter how cute she is, she's not a flower girl.  It wasn't up to her or her daughter to decide that she is.


  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Yeah, but it's been weeks since the post came up and there's not been anything else about it except for the time FILs brought it up over dinner. Well, FMIL really. We'll see them over Father's Day and if that brings up another instance I will have FI nip it as much as he can without causing a whole family blow up. Either way, that side of the family hosts an annual reunion every year. I will not be attending this year. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • spglspspglsp member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Gah, this girl sounds like Veruca Salt, and for the mother to encourage this is just beyond me. At some point there should probably be a discussion (just so they don't assume you've been worn down and start this all over again on the big day) but that's more for FI to do as it's his family. It sounds like you're on top of things though and if nothing else this is absolutely hilarious.
    Just Married!

    image
  • I am going through the same thing except I have two daughters and want it to be special for them and only them, I wouldnt ask my friends why isnt my daughter part of your wedding. I got 3 extra kids pushed into becoming flower girls so let me get this straight, YOU want ME to have 5 flower girls? when I only want my two little girls in it as their special day... Dont know what to do either how do I break these little girls hearts... and I keep getting told why is it that big of a deal just let them be in it, why are they pushing this??
    Soon to be Vincente
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I am going through the same thing except I have two daughters and want it to be special for them and only them, I wouldnt ask my friends why isnt my daughter part of your wedding. I got 3 extra kids pushed into becoming flower girls so let me get this straight, YOU want ME to have 5 flower girls? when I only want my two little girls in it as their special day... Dont know what to do either how do I break these little girls hearts... and I keep getting told why is it that big of a deal just let them be in it, why are they pushing this??

    When you get asked why it's that big of a deal, point out that it's your and your FI's wedding, not theirs or their kids', and people butting in on what should be your decisions alone and trying to take your rights of decision-making away from you make it a "big deal." Then tell them that their daughters will not be flower girls and it's up to them to set them straight, and that the subject is closed.
  • Tell people here is why it is a big deal

    • You'll need to buy another basket & more petals to accomodate a second girl  $$
    • To be proper you'll need to buy her a gift for being part of the bridal party $$
    • You'll need to include her at the rehersal dinner & her parents since she is too young to attend by herself $$
    • If you are having a limo and current flower girl is riding along, you need to account for more people on the limo because one of not both of the parents should be there to supervise her because that's not your job or the bridal parties job, and that may cause you to need a larger vehicle $$

     

    I don't think people realize, it's not just a matter of letting the 10 year wear a Navy Blue dress and giving her a title. Letting her be a flower girl will cost you more money in the planning of your wedding and more then likely, like most brides, you probably have a budget you are trying to stick to.

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