Am I being selfish?

Knottie81631379

A year and a half ago I moved from Ohio to Wisconsin and met my FI. I left my entire family and friends behind although I stay deep in touch with them. My FI's entire family lives in Wisconsin. Due to our current residence, we are planning the wedding to be in Wisconsin. I set the date two months ago and have fallen in love with it. I haven't booked any vendors yet though since the date isn't until 2017.

Last week came the big news: my brother got engaged! I got extremely excited for him and sent him a congratulations letter to him and his new FI. As soon as I addressed the letter I realized a very large detail that could cause a lot of tension between us. He lives in Alaska. Her entire family lives in Alaska. Our shared family lives in Ohio. 

At first that sounds like an amazing traveling year. Two vacations in two fairly exciting places. The thing is, my side of the family is pretty poor. Some members of the family rarely get one vacation a year at all let alone two. 

Here's the selfish part: Is it wrong of me to ask him to not have his wedding within 6 months of mine? 

First of all, I am not worried about sharing spot light. I am actually willing to share venue and date with him if that can help our family's expenses. I just don't want tensions to rise between him and I if our family has to choose a wedding for financial reasons. The average flight to Milwaukee would be $300/person and the average flight to Anchorage would be $800/ person. Not to mention hotel and possible rental car costs. 

I already chose my date to be in March and they haven't chosen a date yet. I know it isn't a summons when you get married but when close members of your family, including our mother, may have to choose, there is some worry about who will come. 

artbyallie

Knottie81631379 said:

A year and a half ago I moved from Ohio to Wisconsin and met my FI. I left my entire family and friends behind although I stay deep in touch with them. My FI's entire family lives in Wisconsin. Due to our current residence, we are planning the wedding to be in Wisconsin. I set the date two months ago and have fallen in love with it. I haven't booked any vendors yet though since the date isn't until 2017.

Last week came the big news: my brother got engaged! I got extremely excited for him and sent him a congratulations letter to him and his new FI. As soon as I addressed the letter I realized a very large detail that could cause a lot of tension between us. He lives in Alaska. Her entire family lives in Alaska. Our shared family lives in Ohio. 

At first that sounds like an amazing traveling year. Two vacations in two fairly exciting places. The thing is, my side of the family is pretty poor. Some members of the family rarely get one vacation a year at all let alone two. 

Here's the selfish part: Is it wrong of me to ask him to not have his wedding within 6 months of mine? 

First of all, I am not worried about sharing spot light. I am actually willing to share venue and date with him if that can help our family's expenses. I just don't want tensions to rise between him and I if our family has to choose a wedding for financial reasons. The average flight to Milwaukee would be $300/person and the average flight to Anchorage would be $800/ person. Not to mention hotel and possible rental car costs. 

I already chose my date to be in March and they haven't chosen a date yet. I know it isn't a summons when you get married but when close members of your family, including our mother, may have to choose, there is some worry about who will come. 

Yes, that would be a selfish thing to ask. If you can't afford to travel when he tells you their date, you can tell him that, but you cannot ask him to plan their wedding date around you.

randomslove

If the finances worry you that much you should change your date. Asking someone else to change theirs will just cause drama.

jacques27

Yes, it would be selfish.  And yes, it would be wrong of you to ask that of them.  You cannot hold wedding dates hostage from them.  That would be a really good way to alienate yourself from your brother and his future spouse.

The only thing you can control is how you react to a situation.  There will only be tension if you choose to let it create tension.  They are grown adults and allowed to pick whatever date works for them.  Your family are grown adults and allowed to sort out their finances as they see fit.  And are you the only one aware that your family is poor?  Is he completely in the dark about that such that you need to be the one to come in and save the day by warning him away from scheduling his wedding during a certain timeframe?

He's been engaged a week and you haven't even booked vendors, meaning as much as you can call dibs on that day it's not your day until you actually have money down somewhere.  What if the venue you want isn't available and you had to switch days after you made a big deal about how they couldn't schedule their own wedding because of yours?  Maybe they weren't planning a date within 6 months of your wedding anyway?  Maybe they are considering Ohio for their wedding and making her family travel?  Maybe they are planning to elope or have a destination wedding?  Maybe they are perfectly fine not having your family present if circumstances don't allow?

There are so many maybes and so many things not even remotely set in stone at this point that I don't see how this can't be viewed as being a selfish bridezilla, regardless of what you claim to be your true motivation.

southernbelle0915

It wouldn't be OK to ask them to shift their schedule around. I would just wait and see what they do. For all you know, they may decide to get married this October.

If your side of the family doesn't have a lot of money and your bro and FSIL are getting married in Alaska, I'm willing to bet most relatives won't go. They'd be more likely to go to a wedding where they can potentially drive or fly for a lot cheaper. Especially if they are faced with having to choose.

MesmrEwe

Short answer: Yes, you're being selfish, drop the issue and relax, the sooner the better, no one is going to steal your thunder even if they had 100% the same details as you, they will get married on a date that is important to them, you will get married on a date that is important to you.  The people who are most important to attend will be there.  Make sure you're factoring in the cost of travel to Alaska should your brother choose to have his wedding there into your budget should you wish to attend.

Depending on where in Wisconsin you're planning to get married, it's really not that bad of a drive from Ohio to Wisconsin - I've driven it.  Long drive, yes, but impossible in one day, no.  Because of that I'd recommend you considering a holiday weekend so there'd be that extra travel day buffered in.  March is statistically the snowiest month in this part of the country, so that may factor in to people's travel.  If you don't want traveling to two weddings to be an issue, have yours in Ohio or a different year from your Brother since you haven't booked or announced your date yet..  At the end of the day, you're asking your side of the family to attend a DW, some will attend, some won't, make sure you make choices on things like location in WI that there are options in the area that your guests can afford to stay. 

ShesSoCold

I can't get past "falling in love" with a date. 

Maggie0829

mikenberger

If you have to ASK if it's selfish, it usually is. You're just fishing for people to validate your selfishness.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie81631379 said:

A year and a half ago I moved from Ohio to Wisconsin and met my FI. I left my entire family and friends behind although I stay deep in touch with them. Huh?  Is this like a deep tissue massage?  My FI's entire family lives in Wisconsin. Due to our current residence, we are planning the wedding to be in Wisconsin. I set the date two months ago and have fallen in love with it. I haven't booked any vendors yet though since the date isn't until 2017.  Ok, so then you HAVEN'T actually set a date.  You don't have a date until you have signed a contract and put down deposits with your ceremony and reception venues.

Last week came the big news: my brother got engaged! I got extremely excited for him and sent him a congratulations letter to him and his new FI. As soon as I addressed the letter I realized a very large detail that could cause a lot of tension between us. He lives in Alaska. Her entire family lives in Alaska. Our shared family lives in Ohio. 

At first that sounds like an amazing traveling year. Two vacations in two fairly exciting places. The thing is, my side of the family is pretty poor. Some members of the family rarely get one vacation a year at all let alone two. 

Here's the selfish part: Is it wrong of me to ask him to not have his wedding within 6 months of mine?  Yes.  This is 2015.  You aren't planning on getting married until 2017.  Who knows when your brother and his FI choose to get married.  They may choose to get married in 2016, 2017, or 2018 for all you know.  You are really putting the cart before the horse on this one.

First of all, I am not worried about sharing spot light. I am actually willing to share venue and date with him if that can help our family's expenses. I just don't want tensions to rise between him and I if our family has to choose a wedding for financial reasons. The average flight to Milwaukee would be $300/person and the average flight to Anchorage would be $800/ person. Not to mention hotel and possible rental car costs.  This is not for either of you to worry about.  You and your brother need to set your wedding dates- that means booking venues- and then let the cards fall as they may.  You both have to accept that people may decline to attend your weddings, for a variety of reasons.  That's just life.

I already chose my date to be in March and they haven't chosen a date yet. You don't have a date yet.  You haven't booked a venue yet.  There might not be any dates available in March 2017 by the time you go to book a venue, so you may have to choose a date in April or May or September.  I know it isn't a summons when you get married but when close members of your family, including our mother, may have to choose, there is some worry about who will come. 

loveislouder

Maggie0829 said:

Is it bad that I sent this picture to all my bridsmaids when we picked it as our date? lol

Knottie91379610

To be honest, I don't think you're being selfish, you are being human and you have valid concerns for a lady in your situation!

However, I have to agree with a couple posters. First, wait until they have a date picked out. Then you will know how to plan. If finances becomes an issue with your family, then I think a good sit down with the family to plan properly altogether will be extremely helpful. That way, you can communicate with each other openly about any concerns, and just be honest. You may find out you were worrying for absolutely no reason at all. I believe that marriage is a joint effort, not just between the couple, but between the families, especially in this kind of situation, and everyone should be on the same page!

Now, I only suggest this until after you find out, and if their date truly does raise the need to talk about your concerns. 

lovebird1014

I think these women are being mean. You are trying to ask a question to make sure you aren't doing the wrong thing....

I think with your date being so far out and your brother probably being equally aware of the financial situation, you should wait it out. Face the issue when it comes. Don't worry about it, there is plenty of time for people to save as well.

Just enjoy being engaged! It only lasts so long!

Pupatella

Knottie81631379 said:

A year and a half ago I moved from Ohio to Wisconsin and met my FI. I left my entire family and friends behind although I stay deep in touch with them. My FI's entire family lives in Wisconsin. Due to our current residence, we are planning the wedding to be in Wisconsin. I set the date two months ago and have fallen in love with it. I haven't booked any vendors yet though since the date isn't until 2017.

Last week came the big news: my brother got engaged! I got extremely excited for him and sent him a congratulations letter to him and his new FI. As soon as I addressed the letter I realized a very large detail that could cause a lot of tension between us. He lives in Alaska. Her entire family lives in Alaska. Our shared family lives in Ohio. 

At first that sounds like an amazing traveling year. Two vacations in two fairly exciting places. The thing is, my side of the family is pretty poor. Some members of the family rarely get one vacation a year at all let alone two. 

Here's the selfish part: Is it wrong of me to ask him to not have his wedding within 6 months of mine? 

First of all, I am not worried about sharing spot light. I am actually willing to share venue and date with him if that can help our family's expenses. I just don't want tensions to rise between him and I if our family has to choose a wedding for financial reasons. The average flight to Milwaukee would be $300/person and the average flight to Anchorage would be $800/ person. Not to mention hotel and possible rental car costs. 

I already chose my date to be in March and they haven't chosen a date yet. I know it isn't a summons when you get married but when close members of your family, including our mother, may have to choose, there is some worry about who will come. 

Do you and your brother chat often? Does he already know that you have chosen March __ 2017 as your date? If so, and he knows the financial burden of your family having to travel to two weddings within a short time frame, him and his FI may already be taking this into consideration when choosing their date. 

You definitely can't put any restrictions on what date they choose, but I would just wait to see what he does, and then go from there. 

If you haven't booked any vendors yet, I know you are in love with your March 2017 date, but you are able to move your date. If your brother and his FI start booking vendors, and you want to give your family more time in between weddings, then I would consider moving your date to accommodate the six month window you want to give your family.

ryanandjoe4

Pupatella said:

Knottie81631379 said:

A year and a half ago I moved from Ohio to Wisconsin and met my FI. I left my entire family and friends behind although I stay deep in touch with them. My FI's entire family lives in Wisconsin. Due to our current residence, we are planning the wedding to be in Wisconsin. I set the date two months ago and have fallen in love with it. I haven't booked any vendors yet though since the date isn't until 2017.

Last week came the big news: my brother got engaged! I got extremely excited for him and sent him a congratulations letter to him and his new FI. As soon as I addressed the letter I realized a very large detail that could cause a lot of tension between us. He lives in Alaska. Her entire family lives in Alaska. Our shared family lives in Ohio. 

At first that sounds like an amazing traveling year. Two vacations in two fairly exciting places. The thing is, my side of the family is pretty poor. Some members of the family rarely get one vacation a year at all let alone two. 

Here's the selfish part: Is it wrong of me to ask him to not have his wedding within 6 months of mine? 

First of all, I am not worried about sharing spot light. I am actually willing to share venue and date with him if that can help our family's expenses. I just don't want tensions to rise between him and I if our family has to choose a wedding for financial reasons. The average flight to Milwaukee would be $300/person and the average flight to Anchorage would be $800/ person. Not to mention hotel and possible rental car costs. 

I already chose my date to be in March and they haven't chosen a date yet. I know it isn't a summons when you get married but when close members of your family, including our mother, may have to choose, there is some worry about who will come. 

Do you and your brother chat often? Does he already know that you have chosen March __ 2017 as your date? If so, and he knows the financial burden of your family having to travel to two weddings within a short time frame, him and his FI may already be taking this into consideration when choosing their date. 

You definitely can't put any restrictions on what date they choose, but I would just wait to see what he does, and then go from there. 

If you haven't booked any vendors yet, I know you are in love with your March 2017 date, but you are able to move your date. If your brother and his FI start booking vendors, and you want to give your family more time in between weddings, then I would consider moving your date to accommodate the six month window you want to give your family.

Or, talk to your brother see if they have a time frame in mind already, or see what their plans are then plan your accordingly, maybe they want a long/short engagement so they will get married in the next  6 months and that is over a year from your wedding.. but don't ask them to plan their big day around yours, maybe she has a venue that she wants and it is booked over a year out, and the first available date is march __ 2017..

I agree with waiting to see what they do, but if your family is close like you say, then there is no harm in asking him when they think they might, it is actually a question that is always asked when engagements are announced not matter how soon the proposal happened, but do not ask them to plan theirs around yours. Also you both don't want to be waiting to see what each other will be doing and no one makes plans.. communication is key.

our original date was pushed back a week because the DJ we really wanted wasn't available, but our reception, and ceremony venue were open those two weekends..

snowywinter

Are you willing to change your date? If so, then you could always approach him and say "hey, I've been thinking and it would probably be better if our weddings weren't within 6 months of each other due to the financial constraints of the family." If he agrees, then tell him you chose March whatever but offer to change it if he and his fiancee have a date in mind already. Hopefully, he hasn't picked a date yet and he'll simply keep that in mind when he's choosing a date. But the caveat to that is that he might very well want a date in the spring or summer and then you're on the spot to change your date.

You can't ask him to plan his wedding at a certain time. All you can do is explain the concern and offer to change yours if he insists on a date close to yours.

Viczaesar

Zombie thread, guys.

photokitty

@lovebird1014 said:

I think these women are being mean. You are trying to ask a question to make sure you aren't doing the wrong thing....

I think with your date being so far out and your brother probably being equally aware of the financial situation, you should wait it out. Face the issue when it comes. Don't worry about it, there is plenty of time for people to save as well.

Just enjoy being engaged! It only lasts so long!

Please don't bump old threads. Closing the zombie.