Passive Aggressive FMIL

jacques27

Knottie91379610 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie91379610 said:

redoryx said:

Sorry, your FMIL is right and your friends saying it's "your day" and to do whatever you want probably made (or will make) equally selfish decisions when it comes to their wedding. 

Your FMIL was correct in looking out for your guests and it's a good thing, too, since clearly you weren't.

That's very assumptive to say.Of course I am looking out for my guests. That is why I am making sure that everyone has a seat, everyone will have a meal, and that is why I wanted to have the reception later in the evening so the temperature would be more comfortable, and that is why I sat down with my fiance to solve the transportation issue to make sure the elderly could make it. The case is not "looking out for the guests" it is combined with bitterness towards us picking the date she did not like. 

Sorry, when you're more concerned about the vision of your outdoor wedding then how the heat/humidity will affect your guests, then no, you don't care about your guests. The seat/meal/transportation thing only gets you so far.

I am sure you planned a wedding, right? It is nearly impossible to please every guest. There will always be some guests who will complain about something, because everyone has different preferences. I've learned through all this, that no matter what I do, no matter what my fiance does, someone is not going to be happy. That is just a fact, and it's been hard for me to learn that because I love people, and I want them to be happy, even if it means sacrificing my own comfortably. We are doing as much as we can to work with our guests with the resources and funds available. You may disagree with my decisions, but unless you are in my shoes, marrying into my future in-law-family, with full emotional knowledge of the stress and sacrifices that went into this decision you cannot make comments like this. 

I respect what you're saying, but what I do not respect are assumptions about  my character. 

That "Oh well, can't make everyone happy" attitude doesn't apply to the basic care and concern of your guests.  That's for things like "We're only serving chicken and fish even though some of my guests would really prefer steak."  Oh well.  Or "We're serving Pepsi products even though we have some ardent Diet Coke drinkers amongst the guests."  Oh well. 

hellohkb

dreamsinpink said:

That makes sense, but wait.. The reception is at the FMIL's house that is concerned with people not taking the heat well but doesn't want to accommodate them in the house? Honestly, I don't blame her, especially with the things you mentioned but if she is as concerned as she seems that that could have been an offered solution. What it actually sounds more like is that she now doesn't want it at her house and using the heat as a cop out. My perception at least. If our reception was going to be at my future in laws and the heat was a concern, my FMIL would have had all of her furniture moved out temporarily without me saying anything or even thinking about it.

I thought this as well. It seems like some of those feelings are because it is at her house. But at this point you're so close to your wedding, I don't think you have much wiggle room at this point.

Also, I'm half Puerto Rican too and I definitely do mind the heat. I went to a wedding where I was forced to sit outside in July in the northeast for 3 hours. I was NOT happy.

madamerwin

I agree with some PPs that it sounds like FMIL may not actually want to have this reception at her house, but regardless of her motivations, her reasoning about the elderly is valid. I am not really falling for the "no one can come in the house because they might break something" (or whatever) excuse - that's what private event insurance is for (side note: PLEASE tell me you got event insurance, it would be really irresponsible not to do that, and you could be liable for any accidents).

I would be declining this invitation SO fast. I am a healthy 30 year-old, but no way in hell I'd hang out in 90 degree weather and 90% humidity for any length of time. Sounds to me like you're putting your "wedding vision" above the comfort of your guests, which is a shitty thing to do.

Knottie91379610

tfmrserwin said:

I agree with some PPs that it sounds like FMIL may not actually want to have this reception at her house, but regardless of her motivations, her reasoning about the elderly is valid. I am not really falling for the "no one can come in the house because they might break something" (or whatever) excuse - that's what private event insurance is for (side note: PLEASE tell me you got event insurance, it would be really irresponsible not to do that, and you could be liable for any accidents).

I would be declining this invitation SO fast. I am a healthy 30 year-old, but no way in hell I'd hang out in 90 degree weather and 90% humidity for any length of time. Sounds to me like you're putting your "wedding vision" above the comfort of your guests, which is a shitty thing to do.

It's not about people breaking stuff, although that is concerned. It's more about, I don't want children wandering into the bedrooms, and having people follow them in, and that can put them in a very bad situation, something that has happened to me in the past and something I don't want for others. If you were invited, and if you declined that is absoutely fine! Guests that were invited knew that there was going to be a backyard reception, it was on the invite, (along with the time and everything) and we got over 60 families that replied with yes. So, they know what they are in for, (as do we), but the fact that the backyard is shaded and it will be after the peak. Since this topic, I've asked around, even my most straight-forward friends who are more "in your face" like you guys they said honestly, all my family members and friends that I invited have not seen me in four years, and they don't care about the weather, because they just want the chance tho spend time with my family and my new future husband. Because I am a complete stranger to you, it's much easier for you to say, "absolutely not" but if I were your best friend of 10 years and you haven't seen me for four, I think you might say something else. 

Knottie91379610

hellohkb said:

That makes sense, but wait.. The reception is at the FMIL's house that is concerned with people not taking the heat well but doesn't want to accommodate them in the house? Honestly, I don't blame her, especially with the things you mentioned but if she is as concerned as she seems that that could have been an offered solution. What it actually sounds more like is that she now doesn't want it at her house and using the heat as a cop out. My perception at least. If our reception was going to be at my future in laws and the heat was a concern, my FMIL would have had all of her furniture moved out temporarily without me saying anything or even thinking about it.

I thought this as well. It seems like some of those feelings are because it is at her house. But at this point you're so close to your wedding, I don't think you have much wiggle room at this point. Also, I'm half Puerto Rican too and I definitely do mind the heat. I went to a wedding where I was forced to sit outside in July in the northeast for 3 hours. I was NOT happy.

Actually, what you're saying makes sense 100%. FI and I have a feeling that she never wanted us to do this at her house, but she's been too kind to be upfront. At first, I thought she was totally fine with it, (that's why we planned for a backyard reception to begin with) but the more we've graduated towards the wedding, the more it has become apparent she is extremely concerned about this. By now though, it's a little too late, unless it is too hot and we cannot have guests outside. I prefer heat over being cold (I'm crazy I know) but I know what you mean! We wanted to do an August wedding insted of a June wedding, but in laws said, "absolutely not!" Apparently, weather in AR is even hotter in August than it is in June, if you can imagine that! 

mikenberger

Knottie91379610 said:

hellohkb said:

That makes sense, but wait.. The reception is at the FMIL's house that is concerned with people not taking the heat well but doesn't want to accommodate them in the house? Honestly, I don't blame her, especially with the things you mentioned but if she is as concerned as she seems that that could have been an offered solution. What it actually sounds more like is that she now doesn't want it at her house and using the heat as a cop out. My perception at least. If our reception was going to be at my future in laws and the heat was a concern, my FMIL would have had all of her furniture moved out temporarily without me saying anything or even thinking about it.

I thought this as well. It seems like some of those feelings are because it is at her house. But at this point you're so close to your wedding, I don't think you have much wiggle room at this point. Also, I'm half Puerto Rican too and I definitely do mind the heat. I went to a wedding where I was forced to sit outside in July in the northeast for 3 hours. I was NOT happy.

Actually, what you're saying makes sense 100%. FI and I have a feeling that she never wanted us to do this at her house, but she's been too kind to be upfront. At first, I thought she was totally fine with it, (that's why we planned for a backyard reception to begin with) but the more we've graduated towards the wedding, the more it has become apparent she is extremely concerned about this. By now though, it's a little too late, unless it is too hot and we cannot have guests outside. I prefer heat over being cold (I'm crazy I know) but I know what you mean! We wanted to do an August wedding insted of a June wedding, but in laws said, "absolutely not!" Apparently, weather in AR is even hotter in August than it is in June, if you can imagine that! 

Oh heavens. If only you can imagine that. 

mikenberger

Knottie91379610 said:

tfmrserwin said:

I agree with some PPs that it sounds like FMIL may not actually want to have this reception at her house, but regardless of her motivations, her reasoning about the elderly is valid. I am not really falling for the "no one can come in the house because they might break something" (or whatever) excuse - that's what private event insurance is for (side note: PLEASE tell me you got event insurance, it would be really irresponsible not to do that, and you could be liable for any accidents).

I would be declining this invitation SO fast. I am a healthy 30 year-old, but no way in hell I'd hang out in 90 degree weather and 90% humidity for any length of time. Sounds to me like you're putting your "wedding vision" above the comfort of your guests, which is a shitty thing to do.

It's not about people breaking stuff, although that is concerned. It's more about, I don't want children wandering into the bedrooms, and having people follow them in, and that can put them in a very bad situation, something that has happened to me in the past and something I don't want for others. If you were invited, and if you declined that is absoutely fine! Guests that were invited knew that there was going to be a backyard reception, it was on the invite, (along with the time and everything) and we got over 60 families that replied with yes. So, they know what they are in for, (as do we), but the fact that the backyard is shaded and it will be after the peak. Since this topic, I've asked around, even my most straight-forward friends who are more "in your face" like you guys they said honestly, all my family members and friends that I invited have not seen me in four years, and they don't care about the weather, because they just want the chance tho spend time with my family and my new future husband. Because I am a complete stranger to you, it's much easier for you to say, "absolutely not" but if I were your best friend of 10 years and you haven't seen me for four, I think you might say something else. 

I would tell my best friend she's a fucking crazy person for planning an outdoor wedding in summer. Because that's my job as a best friend. To make sure my best friends don't turn into complete assholes during their wedding planning.

lnixon8

Knottie91379610 said:

tfmrserwin said:

I agree with some PPs that it sounds like FMIL may not actually want to have this reception at her house, but regardless of her motivations, her reasoning about the elderly is valid. I am not really falling for the "no one can come in the house because they might break something" (or whatever) excuse - that's what private event insurance is for (side note: PLEASE tell me you got event insurance, it would be really irresponsible not to do that, and you could be liable for any accidents).

I would be declining this invitation SO fast. I am a healthy 30 year-old, but no way in hell I'd hang out in 90 degree weather and 90% humidity for any length of time. Sounds to me like you're putting your "wedding vision" above the comfort of your guests, which is a shitty thing to do.

It's not about people breaking stuff, although that is concerned. It's more about, I don't want children wandering into the bedrooms, and having people follow them in, and that can put them in a very bad situation, something that has happened to me in the past and something I don't want for others. If you were invited, and if you declined that is absoutely fine! Guests that were invited knew that there was going to be a backyard reception, it was on the invite, (along with the time and everything) and we got over 60 families that replied with yes. So, they know what they are in for, (as do we), but the fact that the backyard is shaded and it will be after the peak. Since this topic, I've asked around, even my most straight-forward friends who are more "in your face" like you guys they said honestly, all my family members and friends that I invited have not seen me in four years, and they don't care about the weather, because they just want the chance tho spend time with my family and my new future husband. Because I am a complete stranger to you, it's much easier for you to say, "absolutely not" but if I were your best friend of 10 years and you haven't seen me for four, I think you might say something else. 

ETA: Boxes

To the bolded... who the HELL are you inviting that you think would follow a child into a bedroom and put them in a bad situation?!!!

southernbelle0915

Knottie91379610 said:

It's not about people breaking stuff, although that is concerned. It's more about, I don't want children wandering into the bedrooms, and having people follow them in, and that can put them in a very bad situation 

What the actual.... WHAT?

Girl bye.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie91379610 said:

tfmrserwin said:

I agree with some PPs that it sounds like FMIL may not actually want to have this reception at her house, but regardless of her motivations, her reasoning about the elderly is valid. I am not really falling for the "no one can come in the house because they might break something" (or whatever) excuse - that's what private event insurance is for (side note: PLEASE tell me you got event insurance, it would be really irresponsible not to do that, and you could be liable for any accidents).

I would be declining this invitation SO fast. I am a healthy 30 year-old, but no way in hell I'd hang out in 90 degree weather and 90% humidity for any length of time. Sounds to me like you're putting your "wedding vision" above the comfort of your guests, which is a shitty thing to do.

It's not about people breaking stuff, although that is concerned. It's more about, I don't want children wandering into the bedrooms, and having people follow them in, and that can put them in a very bad situation, something that has happened to me in the past and something I don't want for others.   This is horrible.  I'm sorry something terrible happened to you.  Although I think it's a bit of a leap to assume this s going to happen at your wedding.  If you were invited, and if you declined that is absoutely fine! Guests that were invited knew that there was going to be a backyard reception, it was on the invite, (along with the time and everything) and we got over 60 families that replied with yes. So, they know what they are in for, (as do we), but the fact that the backyard is shaded and it will be after the peak.   Your wedding is like two weeks away, right?  You can't know what time of day the temp will peak.  And just because the peak passes, doesn't mean you will see a precipitous drop in temps or humidity.  Again, look at today's forecast and the extended forecast for LIttle Rock.  The high peaks today at 4pm at 92 degrees and it's projected to actually feel like 101.  At 5pm the temp drops a whopping 1 degree.  At 6pm it drops to 89 degrees. . . that's 2 hours after the peak and only a 3 degree difference.  That will not feel comfortable to anyone, regardless of whether or not they are in the shade.  Also, it's going to be 50% humidity and rising at that point.  only a Since this topic, I've asked around, even my most straight-forward friends who are more "in your face" like you guys they said honestly, all my family members and friends that I invited have not seen me in four years, and they don't care about the weather, because they just want the chance tho spend time with my family and my new future husband. Sorry, but I call bullshit.  I like to spent time with family and friends as well, but I don't like to be sweating like a pig through my nice clothing while doing it.  Because I am a complete stranger to you, it's much easier for you to say, "absolutely not" but if I were your best friend of 10 years and you haven't seen me for four, I think you might say something else.   Newp.  I don't get to see my BFF very often, but if she was planning an outdoor reception for late June in our area I'd tell her she was insane.  Not only is it too fucking hot, but severe thunderstorms are always a risk as well.

Cookie Pusher

I'm pretty sure OP is either being extremely obtuse or is a troll. Not sure which at this point.

madamerwin

Cookie Pusher said:

I'm pretty sure OP is either being extremely obtuse or is a troll. Not sure which at this point.

lovegood90

Cookie Pusher said:

I'm pretty sure OP is either being extremely obtuse or is a troll. Not sure which at this point.

I'm pretty sure she's a troll. This is like her 3rd post about this. She keeps asking our opinions and then says "sorry but it's decided." Clearly trying to rile shit up.

Also WTF to the logic that you must make your guests stay outside in 90+ degree heat on the off chance one of them is a pedophile?!

madamerwin

lovegood90 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

I'm pretty sure OP is either being extremely obtuse or is a troll. Not sure which at this point.

I'm pretty sure she's a troll. This is like her 3rd post about this. She keeps asking our opinions and then says "sorry but it's decided." Clearly trying to rile shit up.

Also WTF to the logic that you must make your guests stay outside in 90+ degree heat on the off chance one of them is a pedophile?!

I have to wonder who the hell she's inviting to her wedding that this is a serious concern... 

jacques27

Serious question:  What if the weather is too hot and the reception is held at the church?  Children aren't able to just wander away and get molested in the Sunday School room or bathroom at church?  Only your in-laws house is special enough for pedophiles?

And why wouldn't parents be parenting their children and escorting them into the house (especially a house they aren't familiar with) to use the restroom?  It's just going to be free-range children at your reception where they just run off and do anything they want while the parents don't care where they are?


And also, just because your friends say they'll be fine with something to your face, doesn't mean they actually feel that way.  Because most people don't want to make their friends feel badly.  But there's plenty of threads here where major issues came up at a wedding and no one told the bride and groom because they didn't want to ruin the moment for them, but they sure as hell were talking about it to each other behind the B&G's back.  My friend had an outdoor ceremony with a gap and it was mid-80s that day and we were all hot and miserable.  When she asked me what I thought I said "It was beautiful!  Having a great time!"  My friend had a bait and switch bar where only the first hour was paid and then we had to pay.  To this day, I haven't told her that I thought that was a shitty thing to do and that's why half of her guests took the shuttle back to the casino right after dinner to "get cash from the ATM" and then just didn't bother coming back, because it would hurt her feelings.  But we all talked about it at our table and several years later when cash vs. host bar comes up we all roll our eyes and recall the bait-and-switch.

Your friends won't say anything because they love you.
That's why when you plan parties, you do it with the mindframe of their comfort and being a good hostess to them because presumably you love them, too.  You don't go into it with the attitude of "They'll be fine with anything I do because they love me."

PrettyGirlLost

jacques27 said:

Serious question:  What if the weather is too hot and the reception is held at the church?  Children aren't able to just wander away and get molested in the Sunday School room or bathroom at church?  Only your in-laws house is special enough for pedophiles?

And why wouldn't parents be parenting their children and escorting them into the house (especially a house they aren't familiar with) to use the restroom?  It's just going to be free-range children at your reception where they just run off and do anything they want while the parents don't care where they are?


And also, just because your friends say they'll be fine with something to your face, doesn't mean they actually feel that way.  Because most people don't want to make their friends feel badly.  But there's plenty of threads here where major issues came up at a wedding and no one told the bride and groom because they didn't want to ruin the moment for them, but they sure as hell were talking about it to each other behind the B&G's back.  My friend had an outdoor ceremony with a gap and it was mid-80s that day and we were all hot and miserable.  When she asked me what I thought I said "It was beautiful!  Having a great time!"  My friend had a bait and switch bar where only the first hour was paid and then we had to pay.  To this day, I haven't told her that I thought that was a shitty thing to do and that's why half of her guests took the shuttle back to the casino right after dinner to "get cash from the ATM" and then just didn't bother coming back, because it would hurt her feelings.  But we all talked about it at our table and several years later when cash vs. host bar comes up we all roll our eyes and recall the bait-and-switch.

Your friends won't say anything because they love you.
That's why when you plan parties, you do it with the mindframe of their comfort and being a good hostess to them because presumably you love them, too.  You don't go into it with the attitude of "They'll be fine with anything I do because they love me."

Churches NEVER harbor pedos, Jaques.  What logic is that?

southernbelle0915

I will forever remember this Knottie#s as the one who had the 95* outdoor reception because she was concerned about pedophiles. I just can't think of it any other way at this point.

Knottie91379610

I am getting tired of repeating myself. 

Nobody is going to stay outside in the sweltering heat. That is not how I treat the guests I love. If it too hot, we are not going to have an outside reception. If the temepratures cool down in the evening, we will. My in-laws are very conscious about this and have been keeping track of the weather in the evening. MIL says so far, it is nice around 7:00, and she and hubby like to spend the night outside on their porch to enjoy the cool air. 

As far as pedophiles in the church, we are locking all classroom doors, offices, closets, etc. But that's not for that reason. Nobody wants their kids running around, someone could get hurt, broken, or something can get stolen. The guests will only have access to the bathrooms and the fellowship hall once the ceremony is over. Something can always happen, I understand. But, we can atleast greatly reduce the risk. I would hope that parents would keep an eye on their children as much as they can. The little ones can run around the fellowship hall, I don't mind. I just don't want them leaving unsupervised. 

mikenberger

Serious question because it's in capitals:

WHY ARE YOU INVITING PEDOPHILES OR PEOPLE WITH THE POTENTIAL TO COMMIT CRIMES AGAINST CHILDREN?

Knottie91379610

mikenberger said:

Serious question because it's in capitals: WHY ARE YOU INVITING PEDOPHILES OR PEOPLE WITH THE POTENTIAL TO COMMIT CRIMES AGAINST CHILDREN?

This is not a serious question, because you and I both know that I am not inviting pedophiles to my wedding! But, can you trust everyone in your family? Can you trust every member of your church? Can you trust every member of the family you are marrying into? No. The answer is no. It doesn't mean everyone is a child molester. It doesn't mean someone is a rapist. But as a Sunday School Teacher and tutor at an after school program, you go through training. They tell you to never leave children alone with adults, and never let children wander around the building. This is not only for their protection, but just in case if false accusations are made against someone, which have happened before. And, since you kindly asked me this question, I know firsthand that people you think you can trust and love can hurt you. I was a victim of a relative I thought I could trust. I was 10 years old, I wandered into a room looking for a game to play with my cousins, and he took advantage of the fact I was alone in a bedroom on the opposite side of the house. 

It is easier to lock doors in these to atleast reduce the risk of these situations. It may not 100% protect everyone, but it will greatly reduce the risk. 

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie91379610 said:

I am getting tired of repeating myself. 

Nobody is going to stay outside in the sweltering heat. That is not how I treat the guests I love. If it too hot, we are not going to have an outside reception. If the temepratures cool down in the evening, we will. My in-laws are very conscious about this and have been keeping track of the weather in the evening. MIL says so far, it is nice around 7:00, and she and hubby like to spend the night outside on their porch to enjoy the cool air. 

As far as pedophiles in the church, we are locking all classroom doors, offices, closets, etc. But that's not for that reason. Nobody wants their kids running around, someone could get hurt, broken, or something can get stolen. The guests will only have access to the bathrooms and the fellowship hall once the ceremony is over. Something can always happen, I understand. But, we can atleast greatly reduce the risk. I would hope that parents would keep an eye on their children as much as they can. The little ones can run around the fellowship hall, I don't mind. I just don't want them leaving unsupervised. 

What cool air?! According to the forecast for Little Rock for the past week, there hasn't been *any* cool air.

ETA: Um, yes. I can trust everyone in my family and FIs family *not* to diddle children.

Knottie91379610

Well, where they are from, it's feels cooler in the evening, plus, the backyard is shaded (all day) so you feel an automatic 10 degree difference. 

thespeshulestsnowflake

PrettyGirlLost said:

I am getting tired of repeating myself. 

Nobody is going to stay outside in the sweltering heat. That is not how I treat the guests I love. If it too hot, we are not going to have an outside reception. If the temepratures cool down in the evening, we will. My in-laws are very conscious about this and have been keeping track of the weather in the evening. MIL says so far, it is nice around 7:00, and she and hubby like to spend the night outside on their porch to enjoy the cool air. 

As far as pedophiles in the church, we are locking all classroom doors, offices, closets, etc. But that's not for that reason. Nobody wants their kids running around, someone could get hurt, broken, or something can get stolen. The guests will only have access to the bathrooms and the fellowship hall once the ceremony is over. Something can always happen, I understand. But, we can atleast greatly reduce the risk. I would hope that parents would keep an eye on their children as much as they can. The little ones can run around the fellowship hall, I don't mind. I just don't want them leaving unsupervised. 

What cool air?! According to the forecast for Little Rock for the past week, there hasn't been *any* cool air. ETA: Um, yes. I can trust everyone in my family and FIs family *not* to diddle children.

This. And if you cannot do this, you have more serious issues.

Knottie91379610

This. And if you cannot do this, you have more serious issues.

Yes, I am a victim of child molestation due to a family member. 

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

I am getting tired of repeating myself. 

Nobody is going to stay outside in the sweltering heat. That is not how I treat the guests I love. If it too hot, we are not going to have an outside reception. If the temepratures cool down in the evening, we will. My in-laws are very conscious about this and have been keeping track of the weather in the evening. MIL says so far, it is nice around 7:00, and she and hubby like to spend the night outside on their porch to enjoy the cool air. 

As far as pedophiles in the church, we are locking all classroom doors, offices, closets, etc. But that's not for that reason. Nobody wants their kids running around, someone could get hurt, broken, or something can get stolen. The guests will only have access to the bathrooms and the fellowship hall once the ceremony is over. Something can always happen, I understand. But, we can atleast greatly reduce the risk. I would hope that parents would keep an eye on their children as much as they can. The little ones can run around the fellowship hall, I don't mind. I just don't want them leaving unsupervised. 

What cool air?! According to the forecast for Little Rock for the past week, there hasn't been *any* cool air. ETA: Um, yes. I can trust everyone in my family and FIs family *not* to diddle children.

This. And if you cannot do this, you have more serious issues.

Is this what you tell all victims of childhood molestation? Especially strangers you don't even know? Because I am a stranger and I was molested because people were allowed inside the house during an outdoor party. But I'm sorry, it's okay for everyone to meander around the house or church unsupervised, because we all know that these things only happen to other people, not us. 

Knottie91379610

I say that I am having an outdoor reception in June 27 at 6:00 in the evening. 

You say I am an obtuse, rude, and terrible person for making my guests even come to the reception in the sweltering heat.

I say that I am not going to host my guests outside if it is too hot. We have a back-up plan already to host guests in the fellowship hall for the reception. The fellowship hall is large, air-conditioned, and there is a seat and a meal for every person.

You ignore this and continue to say I am forcing my guests to stay in the heat. 

I say if the temperature permits and if it is comfortable we will definitely have our outdoor reception as planned.

I am still a terrible, callous, rude hostess. 

I say if the temperature is comfortable, I guests will not be allowed inside the house unless it is to use the bathroom (and we have 3. This was per MIL request, but I agree with her). My concerns are children possibly getting hurt, things getting broken/stolen, and a small possibility that this could put a child in a vulnerable situation, something I have been through personally myself and I would never wish upon anyone. I want to protect my guests, and not create windows of opprotunity that could lead to hurt or disaster. 

You ignore my concerns, and blatantly declare that I am "inviting pedophiles" to my wedding

It has come to the point where it doesn't even matter what I say anymore, because someone will find something to twist and attack. I am rather disgusted by how some of you blatantly comment very presumptuous and pretentious comments on some of my posts, unwilling to let matters drop once I've made it clear that these are the ground rules of my wedding. I have been on lots of forums, and I can't believe that a wedding website, of all places, host posters that are more callous than the ones I've met on Reddit or Yahoo. Because I don't know any of you, I am giving you a benefit of a doubt and trying to understand why some people are being so aggressive, but there is no excuse for treating a stranger you hardly know online the way you have treated me.

I am an open book and I feel comfortable with sharing details of my life and speaking with strangers online, but I am ashamed at myself for allowing this conversation to even happen. I should've deleted my post after the first three comments. But this is where we are now, and I just have to go with it.

I know many of you will not read this. You will look through this post at keywords to pick out and attack. You don't want to have a conversation,  you just want something to argue about. To you, I am a terrible person, and you are free to think so. But just as you are free to make generalizations of my character based on my posts, I have the freedom to make generalizations of my own, some of you (not all) have shown me you are not very kind to strangers you have never met online, so I would hate to be the stranger that would meet you in person. 

Attack away, ladies. This is your post now. 

thespeshulestsnowflake

OP, I'm just going to respond to you here, not in your 5000 other threads with the same issue. I'm am truely sorry for what happened to you as a child. I really am. But you need some serious therapy if you think that any event that has door will lead to a child being molested. You have serious trust issue with your family, your FI's family, your church congregation, your friends, and your FI's friends. Which sounds to me like pretty much everyone in your life. This is not a healthy way to live. The way you keep going on with it makes it seem like you are inviting pedophiles to your wedding since it seems to be such a concern to you. As you said, we do not know you and can only make out from what you write. I understand that protecting children is important, I was a day camp counselor on a marine base and at an American school abroad, and with this a mandatory reporter of any sort of child abuse. I've had the training. But I do not go looking for abuse in everything I do. That is not healthy. That being said, you are being seriously ridiculous about this outdoor wedding. It is too hot to take place outside. You asked people's option about this in several places and everyone said this. People are continuously bringing it up because it is a real concern. On how I treat people here, I try and treat people here as I would in real life. Many posters here are that way. I am a blunt person. And you seem to be acting like you are not reading what people are saying and doing just as you are indicating we are doing, reading only key words and focusing on that. Finally, telling you that your plans are bad is not an attack. In real life, if your boss says you have a bad idea, do you say he/she is attacking you? I seriously doubt it. People on this forum will not hesitate to say you have a bad idea and will give you ways to fix it, but it is in fact a very awesome group of people who are supportive.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie91379610 said:

This. And if you cannot do this, you have more serious issues.

Yes, I am a victim of child molestation due to a family member. 

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

I am getting tired of repeating myself. 

Nobody is going to stay outside in the sweltering heat. That is not how I treat the guests I love. If it too hot, we are not going to have an outside reception. If the temepratures cool down in the evening, we will. My in-laws are very conscious about this and have been keeping track of the weather in the evening. MIL says so far, it is nice around 7:00, and she and hubby like to spend the night outside on their porch to enjoy the cool air. 

As far as pedophiles in the church, we are locking all classroom doors, offices, closets, etc. But that's not for that reason. Nobody wants their kids running around, someone could get hurt, broken, or something can get stolen. The guests will only have access to the bathrooms and the fellowship hall once the ceremony is over. Something can always happen, I understand. But, we can atleast greatly reduce the risk. I would hope that parents would keep an eye on their children as much as they can. The little ones can run around the fellowship hall, I don't mind. I just don't want them leaving unsupervised. 

What cool air?! According to the forecast for Little Rock for the past week, there hasn't been *any* cool air. ETA: Um, yes. I can trust everyone in my family and FIs family *not* to diddle children.

This. And if you cannot do this, you have more serious issues.

Is this what you tell all victims of childhood molestation? Especially strangers you don't even know? Because I am a stranger and I was molested because people were allowed inside the house during an outdoor party. But I'm sorry, it's okay for everyone to meander around the house or church unsupervised, because we all know that these things only happen to other people, not us. 

I wasn't speaking to all victims, I was answering your question specifically.  You said:

"Can you trust everyone in your family? Can you trust every member of your church? Can you trust every member of the family you are marrying into? No."

And the answer to those questions regarding my family and DH's family is yes, I can trust them. 

You clearly have trust issues stemming from the horrible trauma of that terrible childhood event, which is inexcusable and I hope the person who abused you is rotting in prison.  But you can't project those issues of trust on to the rest of us, which is why I took umbrage with that statement above.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie91379610 said:

I say that I am having an outdoor reception in June 27 at 6:00 in the evening. 

You say I am an obtuse, rude, and terrible person for making my guests even come to the reception in the sweltering heat.  I don't recall seeing anyone saying you were a terrible person.  You were called obtuse, because you seem to be very stubborn with the whole outdoor wedding plan.  I'm glad you say the back up plan is to have the whole reception at your church, in the AC.  But in the same breath you keep saying "if it's cool enough" you are going to have your reception outdoors.  Just looking at the weather trends so far this week and last, we are all trying to tell you that it's most likely NOT going to be "cool enough" ti have an outdoor event.  Even if it's really 10 degrees cooler in the shade, it's still likely going to be much too hot.  Multiple people from all over the country are saying this.

I say that I am not going to host my guests outside if it is too hot. We have a back-up plan already to host guests in the fellowship hall for the reception. The fellowship hall is large, air-conditioned, and there is a seat and a meal for every person.  Great!  Sounds perfect!  I hope that you move your reception into the AC'd hall.

You ignore this and continue to say I am forcing my guests to stay in the heat.   You just seem stuck on that vision because you keep giving us push back and rationalizations for why 80+ degree weather is ok to be outside in.

I say if the temperature permits and if it is comfortable we will definitely have our outdoor reception as planned.

I am still a terrible, callous, rude hostess. 

I say if the temperature is comfortable, I guests will not be allowed inside the house unless it is to use the bathroom (and we have 3. This was per MIL request, but I agree with her). My concerns are children possibly getting hurt, things getting broken/stolen, and a small possibility that this could put a child in a vulnerable situation, something I have been through personally myself and I would never wish upon anyone. I want to protect my guests, and not create windows of opprotunity that could lead to hurt or disaster.   I get not wanting a hoard of people schlepping through your house.  Yes, things can get damaged or stolen, though I'd hope that your wedding guests are not the type of people to steal things from people they know. 

You ignore my concerns, and blatantly declare that I am "inviting pedophiles" to my wedding.  I took your first comment regarding children and closed doors to mean you were concerned that teens would be hooking up in your FMIL's house.

It has come to the point where it doesn't even matter what I say anymore, because someone will find something to twist and attack. I am rather disgusted by how some of you blatantly comment very presumptuous and pretentious comments on some of my posts, unwilling to let matters drop once I've made it clear that these are the ground rules of my wedding. That's just the nature of discussion boards.  A topic isn't closed to discussion just because you deem it to be closed.  Plus, you are the one who came here, on two separate boards, asking for advice and opinions and you are the one who's been arguing against the advice given to you.  I have been on lots of forums, and I can't believe that a wedding website, of all places, host posters that are more callous than the ones I've met on Reddit or Yahoo.  Lol, then I don't think you were looking very hard on those sites, especially Reddit.   People here giving direct, straight forward, blunt advice is no where near the level of the trolls and creepers on Reddit.  Because I don't know any of you, I am giving you a benefit of a doubt and trying to understand why some people are being so aggressive, but there is no excuse for treating a stranger you hardly know online the way you have treated me.

I am an open book and I feel comfortable with sharing details of my life and speaking with strangers online, but I am ashamed at myself for allowing this conversation to even happen. I should've deleted my post after the first three comments. But this is where we are now, and I just have to go with it.

I know many of you will not read this. You will look through this post at keywords to pick out and attack. You don't want to have a conversation,  you just want something to argue about. To you, I am a terrible person, and you are free to think so. I don't think anyone thinks you are a terrible person.  We just think you have a terrible idea- to have your reception outdoors, at the end of June, in Arkansas.  But just as you are free to make generalizations of my character based on my posts, I don't think anyone has done that  I have the freedom to make generalizations of my own, some of you (not all) have shown me you are not very kind to strangers you have never met online, so I would hate to be the stranger that would meet you in person. 

Attack away, ladies. This is your post now. 

hellohkb

Aw man, PP beat me to the Josh Duggar comment! Isn't OP in Arkansas? Then it definitely must be Josh Duggar.

lnixon8

OP, it is also hard to take you as someone seriously coming to these boards to chat/discuss/ look and give help based on your replies on other boards. 

Getting engaged on Valentines Day and being pissed and jealous that other people you knew also got engaged on Valentines Day is not rational.