Another shower question- big guest list probs

mhoffman17

Hello. I've searched the other thread for an answer to my question and couldn't quite find one.
My bridal shower is going to be at my parents house and my mom and bridesmaids are all graciously hosting. I am inviting my female relatives and close friends. Adding in my fiances family brought the total to 50. I asked my mom if this was ok and she said it was. Moving forward, fiances sister sent my MOH a guest list of their family members and there were 20 extra people whom I do not even know!
Their side of the family invites everyone and their second cousins twice removed to everything. Fiances mom wants me to have the shower at a banquet hall, which I do not want at all. So overwhelming. I see some people have multiple showers to keep the guest list small. How do I go about saying "I feel like a greedy gift grabber inviting people I don't know, if they want to come you can host another shower?" I feel rude suggesting that to his mom and I feel rude excluding his family. I think my MOH was going to say something to his sister like "thanks for the list, but Bride wants to keep it close friends and family". I don't know the right way to keep my shower small and intimate without hurting feelings. This should be fun, not stressful. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

AddieCake

Tell your in-laws that your mom can only host 50 people, period. 

[Deleted User]

mhoffman17 said:

Hello. I've searched the other thread for an answer to my question and couldn't quite find one. My bridal shower is going to be at my parents house and my mom and bridesmaids are all graciously hosting. I am inviting my female relatives and close friends. Adding in my fiances family brought the total to 50. I asked my mom if this was ok and she said it was. Moving forward, fiances sister sent my MOH a guest list of their family members and there were 20 extra people whom I do not even know! Their side of the family invites everyone and their second cousins twice removed to everything. Fiances mom wants me to have the shower at a banquet hall, which I do not want at all. So overwhelming. I see some people have multiple showers to keep the guest list small. How do I go about saying "I feel like a greedy gift grabber inviting people I don't know, if they want to come you can host another shower?" I feel rude suggesting that to his mom and I feel rude excluding his family. I think my MOH was going to say something to his sister like "thanks for the list, but Bride wants to keep it close friends and family". I don't know the right way to keep my shower small and intimate without hurting feelings. This should be fun, not stressful. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

You can't invite people to your shower who are not invited to the wedding.  Are these people invited to the wedding?  If they are, why? Considering you don't know them, maybe they shouldn't be invited to anything.

Really?  A 50 person shower sounds like a crazy all-day affair that is just going to be super exhausting.  Can't you take it down to about 20 people and maybe have a second shower with other friends or the other side of the family?

southernbelle0915

50 people is really pushing the envelope for a "too big" shower. Think about the time it will take to open each guest's gift.... 

Anyway, this isn't political, it's simple math. MOH can respond back and say, "MOB only has space for 8 more guests (or whatever #). Please let me know which 8 people from this list you want to invite." Period. End of discussion. 

If FSIL doesn't like it, oh well. It's not her party to host. His side is more than welcome to throw you a separate shower.

mhoffman17

@adk19 yes they are invited to the wedding! His parents contributed to the costs of the wedding so they could invite more people. Believe me, that was a whole other issue that's in the past.

mhoffman17

@scribe95 and @southernbelle0915 thanks. I'll just have to let them know we can't fit any more people.

banana468

Ditto the others.

If FI's mom really wants these people at a shower then it may make more sense for her to host her own shower.  (yes, it's OK to host as a mom).   That isn't something that YOU should say though.  

The hostesses of your shower can simply say that the guest list needs to stay at 50 in that location.   It's a big change to go from a shower at the house to a shower in the hall and that isn't a cost she should expect of anyone. 

Jen4948

Tell your FSIL that the maximum number of people your mother can host at the shower is 50 and therefore these additional 20 people can't be invited. Stand firm. If your FSIL makes any kind of fuss, bean dip or just repeat, "I'm sorry, but they cannot be invited."

MyNameIsNot

Have MOH respond to FSIL saying "I'm sorry, but we aren't able to accommodate any additional guests."  No explanation, no reasoning. Explaining that you can only fit 50 invites her to try to B list them or move the shower. Explaining that the budget is maxed invites her to pay for the extras. 

50 people is already too big. A shower should only include your closest friends and family. Don't let them pressure you into inviting people you aren't close to or don't even know. 

mhoffman17

**Update** FMIL is trying all of those above things- B-listing, having the shower at a banquet hall, and paying for food or whatever.  Heres the thing- she is making me feel awful for "excluding her family" and said things to FI like "am I even invited?? I'll just tell everyone they can't come".  He should not be in the middle of this but he did stand up for me and just left her in tears.  Before this wedding she was (and still is) an amazing woman.  I don't know why she is getting so upset over some of this stuff, though.

So my other issue is- am I being ungrateful for not accepting her offer to pay for a banquet hall?  Thing is, I don't want the shower to be this big.  I'm very overwhelmed by this.  I know some circles have multiple showers but that just helps her point that I'm excluding her family.  I invited my family and his family equally to the shower.  The rest is friends that I want to see very much.  She's pulling the same stunt for the wedding and thinks its perfectly acceptable to B-list becuase "they won't mind".  Not really caring that I mind very much.  Also, if I'm going to B-list (I'm not I promise!!!) I would be including my friends that I wasn't able to invite, not random extended family members.

Hot mess over here. Geez.

MyNameIsNot

mhoffman17 said:

**Update** FMIL is trying all of those above things- B-listing, having the shower at a banquet hall, and paying for food or whatever.  Heres the thing- she is making me feel awful for "excluding her family" and said things to FI like "am I even invited?? I'll just tell everyone they can't come".  He should not be in the middle of this but he did stand up for me and just left her in tears.  Before this wedding she was (and still is) an amazing woman.  I don't know why she is getting so upset over some of this stuff, though.

So my other issue is- am I being ungrateful for not accepting her offer to pay for a banquet hall?  Thing is, I don't want the shower to be this big.  I'm very overwhelmed by this.  I know some circles have multiple showers but that just helps her point that I'm excluding her family.  I invited my family and his family equally to the shower.  The rest is friends that I want to see very much.  She's pulling the same stunt for the wedding and thinks its perfectly acceptable to B-list becuase "they won't mind".  Not really caring that I mind very much.  Also, if I'm going to B-list (I'm not I promise!!!) I would be including my friends that I wasn't able to invite, not random extended family members.

Hot mess over here. Geez.

You shouldn't feel bad. She is being ridiculous. No is not a four letter word. Reiterate that you are not comfortable inviting people to the shower that you are not close to, that you are delighted with your MOH's shower plans as they are, and that the conversation is closed. Have your FI continue to step in and support you in the last point, that the conversation is closed.

[Deleted User]

mhoffman17 said:

**Update** FMIL is trying all of those above things- B-listing, having the shower at a banquet hall, and paying for food or whatever.  Heres the thing- she is making me feel awful for "excluding her family" and said things to FI like "am I even invited?? I'll just tell everyone they can't come".  He should not be in the middle of this but he did stand up for me and just left her in tears.  Before this wedding she was (and still is) an amazing woman.  I don't know why she is getting so upset over some of this stuff, though.

So my other issue is- am I being ungrateful for not accepting her offer to pay for a banquet hall?  Thing is, I don't want the shower to be this big.  I'm very overwhelmed by this.  I know some circles have multiple showers but that just helps her point that I'm excluding her family.  I invited my family and his family equally to the shower.  The rest is friends that I want to see very much.  She's pulling the same stunt for the wedding and thinks its perfectly acceptable to B-list becuase "they won't mind".  Not really caring that I mind very much.  Also, if I'm going to B-list (I'm not I promise!!!) I would be including my friends that I wasn't able to invite, not random extended family members.

Hot mess over here. Geez.

I hope she figures out she could just host a party for you and "her" people herself... Seems she's fine with paying for stuff for the other party, why not juse have a separate one- has it really never occurred to her?

MairePoppy

Your FMIL shouldn't be pressuring the hosts of your shower to do things her way. She is not the host of the shower; she is a guest. It's generous of your mom and bm to host such a large shower, which includes the groom's close family members.  

I agree with FreelyToBe. If your FMIL wants to rent  a hall, pay for extra food etc....she should host a shower for her side of the family. She can host it however she likes, as long as she only invites people who are invited to the wedding. I don't understand why your FMIL hasn't figured this out on her own. If she continues to badger her son, he could suggest  it to her. 

southernbelle0915

It sounds like she may not understand that there doesn't have to be just one shower. So she's thinking black and white here: if these people aren't invited to THIS shower, they aren't invited any ANY shower.

She can host one. Her sibling can host one. Her friend can host one. Literally any person on your FH's side can host a shower. @scribe95's wording is perfect. Your FH should be the one to deliver this message. "We are out of space at this shower, but if you want to host these people, you can throw another shower for our side of family. Lots of people have more than one shower." Done. Seed planted.