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Wedding Woes

My dad's trying to force his GF on me

Dear Prudence,
My mom passed away a year ago, just three weeks after being diagnosed with a very late-stage cancer. I dealt with the loss appropriately, sought therapy, and feel at peace with the loss and my wonderful relationship with her. I’ve also been fortunate enough to have a great relationship with my dad. The problem is I have no desire to meet his girlfriend of nearly eight months. Now that the one-year anniversary of my mom’s passing is coming up, both my dad and his girlfriend feel it’s time for me to bite the bullet, but I simply don’t want to. I have told my dad I’m happy for him, but will do this on my own terms and timeline. He will not stop bringing it up. He says that if he is willing to meet a new guy I am seeing, then I should be willing to meet his girlfriend. I feel that’s not only unfair, but completely incomparable. Am I being unreasonable?

—Missing Her

Re: My dad's trying to force his GF on me

  • well, he moved on rather quickly. 
  • Ok, this will probably not be the most popular opinion but here is mine:

    So, the mom/wife passed almost 12 months ago and the dad has been with his girlfriend for 8 months.

    That, to me, is odd. I know I know people get over death different etc etc but I would totally side eye a less than 4 month down period before getting into another relationship. Especially given the sudden nature of her passing. You find out she has cancer, 3 WEEKS later she is gone and less than 4 months after that we are dating and have a girlfriend. Maybe that is harsh but it all seems odd.

    If I were her I would continue to be nice and adult but remain firm. You are under no obligation to meet anyone, though she might need to factor in how this will effect her relationship with her dad. He might pull away and be hurt.

    I do not know how I would be expected to get over a sudden death like that in a year and be all comfortable with dad being in a longer term relationship already. I would probably be pissed. (Yes I know that might sound childish and people would call me a butt, however, this is honestly how I think I would feel.)
  • A friend from HS died.  She had a little girl who was 18mos at the time of her death.  Her H got married to his current wife a little over a year after she passed. 

    There was definitely some drama that went down.  I'm not sure of all of it, but I saw some comments via her page on FB (it's still up...I think her parents maintain it (they don't post *for her* but, it's not been converted to a memorial page or anything)).
  • This is actually a thing. Men tend to remarry very quickly (or die, in the case of older men) after their wife dies. It's tied to them being happiest in the marriage, and seeking to deal with their grief by re-creating that happiness - by getting married right away. 

    She shouldn't have to meet the woman if she doesn't want to, but I get where her dad is coming from. 
  • 6fsn6fsn
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    Right there with Bmom on everything. 

  • I've had a good family friend that this is happening too (I wonder if this is her).  She's trying to be understanding of the fact that her mom and dad were married a long time, so the norm is for her father to try and re-find that happiness ASAP.  But her father keep trying to get her to call new GF Mom and the like.  

    All you can do is keep standing firm.  "I'm not ready," is fully acceptable and if it's not to dad and new GF, too bad.  As long as daughter isn't actively interfering in relationship, dad needs to deal.  This wasn't his mother who passed.
  • IMO - she's being selfish, but I'm still o.k. with that.. 

    She thinks that GF is replacing Mom, and that's not the case...  She maybe needs some therapy on that end that it's o.k. for her Dad to find happiness in another woman.  She's not going to replace her Mom by any stretch, but wanting to grieve through the "firsts" isn't an unreasonable request IMO.  Though she really needs to force the issue "should her Dad be subjected to a life alone because "Till Death Do Us Part" means his lifetime too" to her...  That's the part of selfishness that she needs to overcome.  She doesn't have to treat this woman like her Mom, but she does need to give her a fair shake. 

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