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NWR: Treat all children equally - or the same?

CMGragainCMGragain member
10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
edited July 2015 in Chit Chat
How would you feel if in your parents' wills, you were treated differently than another sibling?

We have inherited a large amount of money and stocks in the past two years.  We are seeing a lawyer to draw up our wills.
My daughter could use a windfall of cash to buy a larger home in a better school district.  She and her husband have shown that they are very responsible with money, and we would give the lump sum on our deaths.
My son is severely ADD.  He is not married.  He coped with his disability by auto-payments on everything.  He makes a six figure income and owns his own home, but he does not currently have anyone significant in his life.  His job depends on his maintaining a government security clearance.
We would like to set up a trust for him, giving him annual payments of about $10,000 until he is in his late 50's, at which point he can have anything that is left.  The idea is to supplement his income, so that if his circumstances change, he wouldn't be dependent on his sister.  He is impulsive with money.
How would you feel?  Would you be hurt that you are being treated differently?  The amount of inheritance would be the same, it would just be distributed differently.  Please let me know your opinions.
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Re: NWR: Treat all children equally - or the same?

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    CMGragain said:
    How would you feel if in your parents' wills, you were treated differently than another sibling?

    We have inherited a large amount of money and stocks in the past two years.  We are seeing a lawyer to draw up our wills.
    My daughter could use a windfall of cash to buy a larger home in a better school district.  She and her husband have shown that they are very responsible with money, and we would give the the lump sum on our deaths.
    My son is severely ADD.  He is not married.  He coped with his disability by auto-payments on everything.  He makes a six figure income and owns his own home, but he does not currently have anyone significant in his life.  His job depends on his maintaining a government security clearance.
    We would like to set up a trust for him, giving him annual payments of about $10,000 until he is in his late 50's, at which point he can have anything that is left.  The idea is to supplement his income, so that if his circumstances change, he wouldn't be dependent on his sister.  He is impulsive with money.
    How would you feel?  Would you be hurt that you are being treated differently?  The amount of inheritance would be the same, it would just be distributed differently.  Please let me know your opinions.
    That would really grind my gears. Because he's single you want to control his money after you die? Not okay.

    Edited because I assumed. And I don't want to be an ass. 
    CMGragainMairePoppyYogaSandy
  • HeatherKatHeatherKat the Frozen Tundra member
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    Yeah, I'd be pretty fucking pissed if, as a grown ass adult making 6 figures and owning my own home my parents decided that I'm too damn irresponsible to manage my money while simultaneously giving my sister a big wind fall. Fuck that.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited July 2015
    No, because he has a disability that affects how he handles money - ADD!  Do you guys know what that is?
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
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    Yeah I would be pretty pissed off in this scenario.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
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    Can you talk to him?  Tell him that you want to set up a trust for him and see what he says?  I do think the fact that he is single should have no merit to whether he gets the trust set up or not.
    CMGragainemmaaaYogaSandy
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited July 2015
    CMGragain said:
    No, because he has a disability that affects how he handles money - ADD!
    Based on everything else you've said about him, he's doing pretty well.
    Yes, he is now.  We are worried about his future.  It is very easy to make a stupid mistake and lose your security clearance.  If he does, he will be almost unemployable in his field.  We want to be sure he is taken care of.
    My son is very aware of his disability.  He is still under therapy and treatment, and he will be for the rest of his life.
  • So, he has a security clearance, makes a 6 figure salary and owns his own home, but in your head he still needs his mommy to manage his budget for him?

    If I was him I'd tell you exactly where you can shove your trust fund.
    My son would be the first one to say that he cannot manage a budget.
  • Is it possible to speak to your son about what you want to do for him and why? Leave the sister out of the conversation. Ask him what he'd like- maybe he'll surprise you.

    If not, it's your money and you can do what you want. But the reality is, if his situation changes he probably can't survive on $10K per year (assuming his income goes to nothing; otherwise $10K / yr. may make a small cushion). So while you'd be trying to do this to protect and provide for him, I don't think you'll accomplish that.

    If his situation doesn't change, whether he burns through $80k (or whatever the sum us) all at once or over the course of 8 years is kind of the same outcome- he spent the money poorly every year or all at once...
    CMGragain
  • It looks like I am going to get a lot of responses on this.  Thank you all!  FWIW, we are talking about a seven figure inheritance.
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2015
    I'm not sure what his relationship status has to do with absolutely anything related to this question. Even if he did have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) they could be equally horrible with managing money, so that wouldn't really solve anything. 

    Also, when you say "impulsive with money" what do you mean? I can be impulsive with money and can be bad with a budget, but I'd still be super pissed if my parents thought I needed to be financially babysat while my married sister got some huge check written free and clear. Fuck that noise. 

    He owns a home. He has a job with government security clearance. They don't just had those out so based on everything you've told us, I'd say he's actually doing okay. 
    CMGragain
  • BTW, this is not my idea.  It is DH's.  I am gathering arguments with your posts.  Thank you all so much!
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    I would be pissed, but hey it's your money and you are dead.  Not much I can do about the situation.

    I would either do lump sums for both, or spread out payments for both.  $10K a year is not really life changing. Sure its a nice bonus, but if he gets himself in trouble it's not  going to help out much.   If you want to spread them out for him, spread it out for both.   Break it up by say 5 years.  That way the chunk of money is a little more useful.  

    BTW - by the time you both drop dead you daughter might not 'need' the bigger house in the bigger neighborhood.  My own grandmother died when I was 21 and I was the 19th of her 24 grandkids born.  She didn't have my mom until her 40's.

    You can add provisions that if you die when they are in their 30's it's split, but if they are in their 40's then they get the lump sum.






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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
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    What does the fact that he's single have to do with anything?
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  • Viczaesar said:
    What does the fact that he's single have to do with anything?
    Nothing.  Just describing their different living situations.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Viczaesar said:
    What does the fact that he's single have to do with anything?
    It's the same reason why your car insurance is generally cheaper if you are married and have kids.  It's a sign of stability.








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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited July 2015
    My son pays a lot of what we all call "stupid tax".  He forgot to register his car - stupid tax.  He forgot what day it was and missed a final exam in college - stupid tax.  He forgot that mixing alcohol, shellac and an open flame is dangerous and caused $90,000 damage to his house and burns on his hands and torso - very stupid tax.  (At least he paid his homeowner's insurance!)  He forget to do the paperwork for his insurance company to reimburse him on replacing his household furnishings - stupid tax.  He has lost some of his prized possessions because he forgot them in a hotel - sad tax.
    I think you get the idea.  We all love him dearly.  He is kind and empathetic.
    His current project is building an iron forge in his back yard so that he can practice blacksmithing....um,  oh boy.





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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
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    One thing to keep in mind. My grandparents cut their son out of their wills because he hadn't much been in their lives. Fine. He and my mom and her sisters fully expected that. My mom and her two younger sisters got X amount. My grandparents also were displeased with my mom's older sister's lesser involvement in their lives. She didn't measure up to my mom and the younger sisters in that department, and it was reflected in the will. 

    As a result, she stopped speaking to my mom and her 2 sisters entirely. I hadn't been in contactbwith her for years as a result, and when I called her to tell her my mother had passed away, that's all she wanted to talk about, how wronged she had been when my grandparents died. She treats her own daughter and granddaughter like shit when they have anything to do with her only remaining sister. 

    Obviously, this is extreme, but just a word of caution that sometimes this kind of thing has repercussions on people who didn't even have anything to do with the decision.
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  • CMGragain said:
    My son pays a lot of what we all call "stupid tax".  He forgot to register his car - stupid tax.  He forgot what day it was and missed a final exam in college - stupid tax.  He forgot that mixing alcohol, shellac and an open flame is dangerous and caused $90,000 damage to his house and burns on his hands and torso - very stupid tax.  (At least he paid his homeowner's insurance!)  He forget to do the paperwork for his insurance company to reimburse him on replacing his household furnishings - stupid tax.  He has lost some of his prized possessions because he forgot them in a hotel - sad tax.
    I think you get the idea.  We all love him dearly.  He is kind and empathetic.
    His current project is building an iron forge in his back yard so that he can practice blacksmithing....um,  oh boy.


    ------------------------------BOXES-----------------------------
    To the bolded: I think this is cool, but whatever.
     
    Also, I can be pretty flighty and all over the place. I routinely forget things and I pay a lot of stupid tax like your son. But I've got my life together for the most part. I have a great job, a home, a family, etc. Your son seems to be in a good place too. Maybe you should give him a little more credit.



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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would be deeply resentful that you did this based on factors I had no control over.
    flbride2015CMGragain
  • jacques27 said:
    CMGragain said:
    My son pays a lot of what we all call "stupid tax".  He forgot to register his car - stupid tax.  He forgot what day it was and missed a final exam in college - stupid tax.  He forgot that mixing alcohol, shellac and an open flame is dangerous and caused $90,000 damage to his house and burns on his hands and torso - very stupid tax.  (At least he paid his homeowner's insurance!)  He forget to do the paperwork for his insurance company to reimburse him on replacing his household furnishings - stupid tax.  He has lost some of his prized possessions because he forgot them in a hotel - sad tax.
    I think you get the idea.  We all love him dearly.  He is kind and empathetic.
    His current project is building an iron forge in his back yard so that he can practice blacksmithing....um,  oh boy.

    There are worse fates in life.  He has hobbies that don't involve homemade meth labs (presumably) and somehow manages to still get his responsibilities taken care of, even if it does take him longer or cost him a little more.  I promise you that people without ADD do stupid shit, too, as well as forget deadlines. 

    If he's not currently spending his six figure salary on hookers and blow, it seems pretty unlikely that having a lump sum payment is going to make him start.  And giving him $10,000 instead of $1,000,000 lump sum isn't going to suddenly make him start paying attention to deadlines to register his car or take his final exam or not burn sections of his house down.

    It really doesn't have to be the same to be fair - one sibling could get a lump sum while the other gets it dished out in 5 or 10 year increments.  But given that he seems, by all accounts, to be a capable, fairly responsible person who seems to be self-aware and has figured out some great strategies for handling whatever limitations he may have (for example, an irresponsible person without self-awareness probably wouldn't be setting up auto-pay for their bills), then I personally would either make it the same or offer both children the option.  Heck, maybe your daughter would prefer it be doled out in increments instead.  Maybe if presented as the option of a lump sum or payouts every X years, your son might still pick incremental payments and decide that is what works out best for him.  But it just seems unfair to make that decision for him in the manner you've presented it, since by and large a lot of the information you've presented as your husband's argument is essentially treating your son as an incapable child.

    Speaking of the daughter prefering allotments, have you looked into the tax ramifications of this? Would a 10K a year allotment qualify as a "gift" for tax purposes, or does that only apply if the giver of the gift is alive?
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