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Wedding Woes

Mom, you're not my friend.

Dear Prudence,
My father, whom I love dearly but can be difficult, has always had a controlling relationship with my mom. She had a large group of close friends in the town where I grew up, but once they retired they moved thousands of miles away and she feels isolated. He’s content to just spend time with her. Though she is very social, he wouldn’t be happy with her taking a trip without him. This upsets me to no end, but I also feel it’s not my place to do anything about it. The trouble is, she comes to me anytime he does or says something that frustrates her. It puts me in an uncomfortable position to listen to her vent about her difficulties with her husband, who’s my dad, and sometimes the things she tells me make me angry at him. My husband thinks it’s inappropriate for her to gripe to me about my dad, but I don’t want to cut her off when she obviously so desperately needs to talk to someone who understands. I know she does love him and doesn’t want to leave him. What can I do?

—Caught in the Middle

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Re: Mom, you're not my friend.

  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2015

    ...buy a small foreclosure in what previously was their home town as a "Vacation Villa" so Mom can escape anytime she wants and give her a "project" excuse to do so and she can be around her friends/social circle again!  Then flip it down the road...

     

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  • My mother used to do this to me.  I had to tell her to stop.  The man is my father and I don't need to be on intimate terms with their relationship.  It pissed her off, but she respected it.  She has tried to twist that on me by not telling me some health things about dad, but I reiterated that it was things about their personal relationship that I didn't want to know.

    Mom is an adult and needs to step out to make new friends and deal with husband.  Surely there's something in the middle between "away trip" and "all time with husband".
    baconsmom
  • VarunaTT said:

    Mom is an adult and needs to step out to make new friends and deal with husband.  Surely there's something in the middle between "away trip" and "all time with husband".
    ^^^This. Daughter could encourage mom to look into meet-ups, clubs, etc. 

    I also don't see what's wrong with saying, "Mom, it makes me uncomfortable when you're coming to me to complain about dad. Why don't you give {friend} a call, and talk to her about it?"
  • Lol so its not normal for your parents to grip about each other to you? Really?

    lol jk

    My parents are great, I love them with all my heart but they both complain to me about the other at times. Well we all kinda do. Its funny when we do it we usually start with verbally disowning the person "You better tell your mother to <blank>." (Dad complaining about mom to me) or  "Your daughter is driving me nuts." (Me complaining to mom about my sister)  Etc.

    We all love each other, its just the general family stuff, nothing major. I guess this is just a family by family thing.

    For this I would say she should encourage her mom to join social groups in her new area. If she truly feels uncomfortable listening to her mom about her dad she needs to speak up.
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