To go to church or not to go to church...?

Knottie78223807

So, I am getting married in about a month, and my parents want it to be religious. Now at the beginning it was a big argument between my fiance and my parents about getting married in the church. My fiance has decided to do it (my parents are paying for the wedding) and he doesn't have to get baptized or take the classes because my church decided that we only needed to take a couples course and retreat. Well My issue now is that my parents are requesting we go to church once a week until the wedding day. I don't mind going, really, but my fiance is completely against church and religion and we get into a bickering match every time I ask if we are going to go to church. I tell him we really only have 3 times left... My fiance gets "poopie faced" in the church, and I had hoped that with me and him going without my parents would help him get use to actually being in the church, so come wedding day, he won't look so uncomfortable. I'm not asking him to become religious, just go with me and be with me. Am I wrong? What should I do? I don't want to do...

Maggie0829

Knottie78223807 said:

So, I am getting married in about a month, and my parents want it to be religious. Now at the beginning it was a big argument between my fiance and my parents about getting married in the church. My fiance has decided to do it (my parents are paying for the wedding) and he doesn't have to get baptized or take the classes because my church decided that we only needed to take a couples course and retreat. Well My issue now is that my parents are requesting we go to church once a week until the wedding day. I don't mind going, really, but my fiance is completely against church and religion and we get into a bickering match every time I ask if we are going to go to church. I tell him we really only have 3 times left... My fiance gets "poopie faced" in the church, and I had hoped that with me and him going without my parents would help him get use to actually being in the church, so come wedding day, he won't look so uncomfortable. I'm not asking him to become religious, just go with me and be with me. Am I wrong? What should I do? I don't want to do...

Are your parents paying for the wedding?

Personally I would have pushed back hard on having your wedding at a church since it doesn't seem like you or your FI (especially your FI) are all that religious or thought getting married in a church was that important.

But to have them request that you two go to church every week until your wedding is way overstepping the boundaries.  It is bad enough that you and your FI gave in and are having your wedding in a church, but do not roll over on this.

ShesSoCold

Knottie78223807 said:

So, I am getting married in about a month, and my parents want it to be religious. Now at the beginning it was a big argument between my fiance and my parents about getting married in the church. My fiance has decided to do it (my parents are paying for the wedding) and he doesn't have to get baptized or take the classes because my church decided that we only needed to take a couples course and retreat. Well My issue now is that my parents are requesting we go to church once a week until the wedding day. I don't mind going, really, but my fiance is completely against church and religion and we get into a bickering match every time I ask if we are going to go to church. I tell him we really only have 3 times left... My fiance gets "poopie faced" in the church, and I had hoped that with me and him going without my parents would help him get use to actually being in the church, so come wedding day, he won't look so uncomfortable. I'm not asking him to become religious, just go with me and be with me. Am I wrong? What should I do? I don't want to do...

Honestly? You were wrong a long time ago. You should never have pushed your fiance to get married in a church that he doesn't believe it. That's a slap in the face to the church and the religion. Depending on the denomination, getting married in a church means a lot more than just being there the once. It likely symbolizes your commitment to the church and also to raise your children in the faith. Other posters here will know a lot more than I do. I'm not religious but I was raised Catholic and even to me, what you're doing is offensive. 

Maggie0829

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie78223807 said:

So, I am getting married in about a month, and my parents want it to be religious. Now at the beginning it was a big argument between my fiance and my parents about getting married in the church. My fiance has decided to do it (my parents are paying for the wedding) and he doesn't have to get baptized or take the classes because my church decided that we only needed to take a couples course and retreat. Well My issue now is that my parents are requesting we go to church once a week until the wedding day. I don't mind going, really, but my fiance is completely against church and religion and we get into a bickering match every time I ask if we are going to go to church. I tell him we really only have 3 times left... My fiance gets "poopie faced" in the church, and I had hoped that with me and him going without my parents would help him get use to actually being in the church, so come wedding day, he won't look so uncomfortable. I'm not asking him to become religious, just go with me and be with me. Am I wrong? What should I do? I don't want to do...

Honestly? You were wrong a long time ago. You should never have pushed your fiance to get married in a church that he doesn't believe it. That's a slap in the face to the church and the religion. Depending on the denomination, getting married in a church means a lot more than just being there the once. It likely symbolizes your commitment to the church and also to raise your children in the faith. Other posters here will know a lot more than I do. I'm not religious but I was raised Catholic and even to me, what you're doing is offensive. 

Yup.  This is kind of like my friend who looked at 6 different churches to find the one that would look the prettiest.

Jen4948

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie78223807 said:

So, I am getting married in about a month, and my parents want it to be religious. Now at the beginning it was a big argument between my fiance and my parents about getting married in the church. My fiance has decided to do it (my parents are paying for the wedding) and he doesn't have to get baptized or take the classes because my church decided that we only needed to take a couples course and retreat. Well My issue now is that my parents are requesting we go to church once a week until the wedding day. I don't mind going, really, but my fiance is completely against church and religion and we get into a bickering match every time I ask if we are going to go to church. I tell him we really only have 3 times left... My fiance gets "poopie faced" in the church, and I had hoped that with me and him going without my parents would help him get use to actually being in the church, so come wedding day, he won't look so uncomfortable. I'm not asking him to become religious, just go with me and be with me. Am I wrong? What should I do? I don't want to do...

Honestly? You were wrong a long time ago. You should never have pushed your fiance to get married in a church that he doesn't believe it. That's a slap in the face to the church and the religion. Depending on the denomination, getting married in a church means a lot more than just being there the once. It likely symbolizes your commitment to the church and also to raise your children in the faith. Other posters here will know a lot more than I do. I'm not religious but I was raised Catholic and even to me, what you're doing is offensive. 

Yes.  I would not appreciate being pressured by a fiancé or his parents to marry in a house of worship and attend services when I do not belong to that faith.  You already got him to agree to marry in a church he doesn't believe in because of parental pressure and that was wrong.  Now you need to tell your parents to back off and leave his religious affiliations alone.  They're for him and him only to decide, not you or your parents.  (Also, your parents are not entitled to a say in the religion of your future children.)

climbingsingle

Well, first I think it was shitty to make your FI get married in a church when he clearly wasn't comfortable with it. I mean, he agreed to it. But I'm a very un-religious person (raised Catholic) and I'd be pissed if I was pressured into getting married at a church. 

And I'd be even more angry if after agreeing to this, I was then pressured into attending church services until the wedding. So yes, I think you and your parents are way in the wrong. 

Maggie0829

OP are you religious?  Do you wish to raise any possible future children in a particular religion?  I feel like there are could problems for you and your FI down the road if you don't discuss this before getting married.  I mean look at the issues you are already having right now.

Liatris2010

I would not marry someone who insisted I attend religious services of a faith I do not adhere to.

Knottie78223807

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

thespeshulestsnowflake

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

The bolded is not true if you are getting married in the Catholic church. Part of the marriage ceremony is promising to raise any children in the Catholic church. If you do not plan on doing this, you should not be having a Catholic ceremony.

ShesSoCold

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

The bolded is not true if you are getting married in the Catholic church. Part of the marriage ceremony is promising to raise any children in the Catholic church. If you do not plan on doing this, you should not be having a Catholic ceremony.

This. No one is trying to make you feel horrible but you and your parents are wrong here. And frankly, really offensive. 

My mom made my siblings and I go to religious ed classes until we made our confirmations. Then we never had to go back to church. That was wrong of her because the purpose of a confirmation is to express your voluntary desire to live your life as a Catholic. Even then it bothered me because that wasn't my intention at all. But we were children and had no choice. 

Like we said, there's a lot more to a Catholic ceremony than the one day. You need to decide what's important to you. I'm surprised the church is letting you get married there - unless they don't know your thoughts and intentions, which is also pretty crappy.

climbingsingle

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

When you marry in the Catholic church, I'm almost positive they make you agree to raise your kids Catholic. 

And the bolded - how old are you? They're going to let you raise your kids however you want? Wow, how big of them. Didn't they change the rules around on you the first time? They initially said just get married in the church, and now they're demanding you attend weekly services. How long before they demand your kids be baptized, and make their communion, and then be confirmed? All I see here are red flags. 

Maggie0829

climbingwife said:

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

When you marry in the Catholic church, I'm almost positive they make you agree to raise your kids Catholic. 

And the bolded - how old are you? They're going to let you raise your kids however you want? Wow, how big of them. Didn't they change the rules around on you the first time? They initially said just get married in the church, and now they're demanding you attend weekly services. How long before they demand your kids be baptized, and make their communion, and then be confirmed? All I see here are red flags. 

Of course OP could break that promise, but breaking that vow is very similar and serious as if you broke your marriage vows.  So yeah, getting married in a church because that is what your parents want but you have no intention on following through with what you are promising is basically you spitting on the alter.

lyndausvi

Add me to the list of people who were raised Catholic, but is no longer practicing.     DH was also raised Catholic.   My parents also paid for our wedding.   Yes, our parents were disappointed we did not get married in the church, but it was our choice and they respected that choice. 

 They never held it over our heads.  They never once used it as a bargaining chip.  They asked if we would, we said we didn't want to.  Topic was closed.  Well, mostly closed.  My dad found a former priest who does weddings, so we had him as our officiant, but he wasn't overly religious.

For whatever reasons you caved into your parents.   Your husband was nice enough to allow the Catholic wedding.    As far as I'm concerned he is fulfilling his "obligations" on the issue.   If you want to cave about going to church, then you need to go alone.

I have a feeling the fact he is getting married will keep him from having the poopie face.

Knottie78223807

Thank you...

Jen4948

lyndausvi said:

Add me to the list of people who were raised Catholic, but is no longer practicing.     DH was also raised Catholic.   My parents also paid for our wedding.   Yes, our parents were disappointed we did not get married in the church, but it was our choice and they respected that choice. 

 They never held it over our heads.  They never once used it as a bargaining chip.  They asked if we would, we said we didn't want to.  Topic was closed.  Well, mostly closed.  My dad found a former priest who does weddings, so we had him as our officiant, but he wasn't overly religious.

For whatever reasons you caved into your parents.   Your husband was nice enough to allow the Catholic wedding.    As far as I'm concerned he is fulfilling his "obligations" on the issue.   If you want to cave about going to church, then you need to go alone.

I have a feeling the fact he is getting married will keep him from having the poopie face.

The OP never said what denomination the church in question is. It might be Catholic, but she never said that.

I think it's unfair to the Catholic Church to assume that whenever parents demand a traditional/religious ceremony and are overly rigid about it that the religion or tradition is of necessity the Catholic Church when it could be any religion, or in this case, Christian denomination that the parents are pushing. Anyone of any faith could be excessively rigid when it comes to religion and tradition.

ShesSoCold

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

@Jen4948 - the bolded is a pretty good implication that this is a Catholic church. 

Jen4948

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

@Jen4948 - the bolded is a pretty good implication that this is a Catholic church. 

Ok.

lyndausvi

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

@Jen4948 - the bolded is a pretty good implication that this is a Catholic church. 

Ok.

Too hard to edit your post that you were trying to call me out when it was you who didn't read the whole thread?

Jen4948

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

@Jen4948 - the bolded is a pretty good implication that this is a Catholic church. 

Ok.

Too hard to edit your post that you were trying to call me out when it was you who didn't read the whole thread?

I wasn't trying to call you out at all.  The only point I was trying to make is that it's not only Catholics who behave the way the OP's parents do.  That it's important to Catholics to have weddings a certain way is something I've never disputed.

Maggie0829

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

@Jen4948 - the bolded is a pretty good implication that this is a Catholic church. 

Ok.

Too hard to edit your post that you were trying to call me out when it was you who didn't read the whole thread?

@lyndausvi - "Ok" is probably the closest Jen will ever get to admitting that she was wrong and misspoke so I would take it

KatWAG

Jen4948 said:

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

@Jen4948 - the bolded is a pretty good implication that this is a Catholic church. 

Ok.

Too hard to edit your post that you were trying to call me out when it was you who didn't read the whole thread?

I wasn't trying to call you out at all.  The only point I was trying to make is that it's not only Catholics who behave the way the OP's parents do.  That it's important to Catholics to have weddings a certain way is something I've never disputed.

You sure do love those hypotheticals.

Jen4948

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

@Jen4948 - the bolded is a pretty good implication that this is a Catholic church. 

Ok.

Too hard to edit your post that you were trying to call me out when it was you who didn't read the whole thread?

I wasn't trying to call you out at all.  The only point I was trying to make is that it's not only Catholics who behave the way the OP's parents do.  That it's important to Catholics to have weddings a certain way is something I've never disputed.

You sure do love those hypotheticals.

Many people do.

climbingsingle

Jen4948 said:

lyndausvi said:

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

@Jen4948 - the bolded is a pretty good implication that this is a Catholic church. 

Ok.

Too hard to edit your post that you were trying to call me out when it was you who didn't read the whole thread?

I wasn't trying to call you out at all.  The only point I was trying to make is that it's not only Catholics who behave the way the OP's parents do.  That it's important to Catholics to have weddings a certain way is something I've never disputed.

And where did anyone say that? OP said she was raised Catholic. 

lyndausvi

Jen  - you quoted ME as an example of not making assumptions.  Only to be proved that I did not make an assumption.  You just didn't read the entire thread.

It's all good.  I've had reading fails.  Many times. We all have.   I also admit that I had a reading fail.

Jen4948

lyndausvi said:

Jen  - you quoted ME as an example of not making assumptions.  Only to be proved that I did not make an assumption.  You just didn't read the entire thread.

It's all good.  I've had reading fails.  Many times. We all have.   I also admit that I had a reading fail.

Thank you.  It's all good.

MobKaz

Knottie78223807, I have been a MOB and MOG.  I am old school Catholic.  My husband and I paid for the large majority of both kid's weddings.

My daughter had the full Catholic Nuptial Mass.  Her faith is an integral part of her life.

My son was married by a childhood friend who became an officiant via ordination.com.  There was nary a prayer in the ceremony.

I would never dream of asking/telling my son to have a religious based ceremony.  He is not religious.  It was bittersweet for me to not have him marry in a manner that brought ME comfort, but his wedding is not about me.  I made the choice to focus on his happiness, his wonderful wife, and their loving relationship.  That does and will bring me joy and comfort.

If you are in fact receiving the Sacrament of Matrimony in the church, please know that PROMISING to baptize and raise any children in the Catholic faith is a part of your vows.  If you have no intention of doing so, or are unsure as to whether you will follow through on that commitment, please do not marry in the church.  It would be utterly disrespectful and deceitful to do so.  This is NOT the way to begin your married life.

Other posters are correct.  Your parents have overstepped their bounds.  If they make demands now, those demands will only continue in the future.  This is your opportunity for you and your FI to start YOUR new lives in a MUTUALLY agreeable manner.  Please have a firm talk with your parents and remind them that this wedding is a reflection of YOUR lives, and not their dream.

CMGragain

Talk to your priest immediately.  Tell him that you have no plans to raise your children in the Catholic faith, and that you are no longer religious.  He will then hold the football.  He will decide, and can help you to deal with your parents.

MairePoppy

OP - if you're a practicing Catholic, who wishes to receive the sacraments after marriage and bring up your children in the Catholic faith, then your fi has already done enough by agreeing to attend pre-cana and marry in the church. Unless I'm misreading, though, you're getting married in the church and attending mass to placate your parents. It's wrong to expect your fi to participate in this farce. Your fi is an adult and shouldn't be coerced into attending mass. It's time for you to stand up to your parents.

mrscomposer

Knottie78223807 said:

I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... Wow... so if you decide to stand up to your parents and get married outside the church to be more in line with what you and your FI believe... are your parents going to take your children from you to raise them in the church?  I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible...

OP, I'm an evangelical Christian, as is my husband.  Our faith is extremely important to us, and is the backbone to our lives and our relationship.  If my husband's family, however, was Catholic and his parents had demanded not only that we get married in their church, but that I attend their church services and put my own beliefs on the backburner to satisfy them... well, I wouldn't have 'poopie face' in church, because I would not be there.  And that's with me being Christian!  I can't imagine what your non-religious fiancé is feeling. 

Take all the advice from PP's... because you've got a partner who is willing to do things for you that I would not be willing to do for mine.

lovemesomemonster

WAY out of line for your parents and I don't blame your FI for not being comfortable. I am not a religious person and there is no way that I would be forced into getting married in a church and attending services. The day should be about both of you, not what your parents want, do you really want your FI standing up there not fully enjoying the moment because he is uncomfortable? I agree with @mrscomposer, I would not have "poopie face" in church because I wouldn't be there. This marriage is about the two of you, and by forcing this on your FI you are completely disregarding his feelings, that is not uniting in marriage, that is coercing him into something he's not comfortable with.

I also agree with many other posts that it is a terrible thing to do to the church. That is most likely why he is feeling so uncomfortable with it, he knows that it is not his beliefs and he is going to have to agree to something the day of your wedding that he knows he will not do.