To go to church or not to go to church...?

kimmiinthemitten

This is a constant fight with FMIL for me too and like your parents, she thinks she has a say on our religious choices. Presently she's willing to "compromise" if we at least have the word God in our vows. That just guaranteed it won't. I used to be deeply religious and took my faith seriously. Despite that changing, I have a great deal of respect for people of faith. I'm going to tell you what we keep telling FMIL, to half participate or pretend to be a part of something as deeply personal as religion is disrespectful to the church, it's head of ministry, the churches covenant and all of the people who work and volunteer to make it the place she loves so much. Our choice is to respect the church by not pretending to be something we're not.

STARMOON44

Why do your parents even know whether or not you are attending church each week? Might be time to start not telling them all the details of your day to day.

[Deleted User]

I don't care who is paying for the wedding, your parents don't have a right to force your FI to attend church for a faith he doesn't belong to and no has no desire to participate in going forward.  You need to tell your parents that he respected their wishes for a church wedding even though he isn't religious, they need to respect his decision not to attend weekly services. If they have issues with that, then you are going to have bigger issues going forward. You better have the discussion now, if you haven't, about how you are going to raise any kids if you have them. Will they be baptized and if so what faith. I can see your parents now pushing you to get the baptized in their faith & raising them up with that religion. Which if you and FI are ok with, not an issue, but better to figure that out now then after you say I do, because if you don't agree on this, and how you will stand up against any other issues your parents may bring up, it will cause a lot of problems down the road.

AddieCake

This whole thing is so bizarre to me, and I agree that it won't stop here. What reason do they have to insist you both attend church until the wedding? What's the end game? Do they think you and your fiancé will find out you enjoy it (Here, try the asparagus. Just TRY it! You might like it!) and then go all the time, happy members of this church? It's a way to control you and you need to put a stop to it.

 What if your fiancé was forcing you to attend a church or participate in something you were strongly against? You are completely disrespecting him here (as well as the church) by agreeing to this. You have basically put a party ahead of your almost-husband. What a great way to start a marriage.

sparklepants41

OP, you and your parents are in the wrong here.

Also, by saying your fiancé gets "poopie faced" in church, you are being disrespectful to his beliefs and belittling his feelings.

adwks

STARMOON44 said:

Why do your parents even know whether or not you are attending church each week? Might be time to start not telling them all the details of your day to day.

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I'm guessing they live near her family and it's a family church. Thus her parents would know if they went to church because they would see them there. 

TheCheeseWench

sparklepants41 said:

OP, you and your parents are in the wrong here.

Also, by saying your fiancé gets "poopie faced" in church, you are being disrespectful to his beliefs and belittling his feelings.

^^^^^^This. I'm sorry, but my FILs wanted us to have their Baptist minister marry us. My mother would have liked for our wedding to be at least some kind of religious. Neither are getting their way. Had my FI tried to push that on me we would not be getting married.

I agree that insisting on getting married in a Catholic church was wrong. They will include a vow to raise your future children Catholic. It is also disrespectful to the church to have a "for show" Catholic wedding just to get $ from your parents when the participants do not intend to practice the faith.

I think attempting to force your FI to attend church is shitty and disrespectful of your parents to do. I also think that they will continue the pressure after the wedding, and may use "we paid for xxxx" guilt trips.

I think calling him "poopie face" for not being able to hide his feelings about having to compromise his beliefs for your bossy family is beyond disrespectful. You would be calling me "gone".


It's time to face your parents and tell them you will not allow them to bully you or the man you love. Elope if you must, but at this point you and your FI should be putting one another first.

JediElizabeth

climbingwife said: Knottie78223807 said: I was raised catholic, but I don't agree with everything in the catholic religion. I wasn't all about getting married in the church, it was my parents' "dream" per say. But yes they are paying for it. So of course I got the "if I'm paying for it it'll be my way" from my father. From what they've told me and from what I got from it, my fiance and I will be free to raise our children whichever religion we want as long as we get married in the church and go to church once a week for this last month.... I'm definitely going to need to have a serious talk with my parents about my new life, because it's not about them anymore. I'll have my own family. 

Now I feel horrible... When you marry in the Catholic church, I'm almost positive they make you agree to raise your kids Catholic. 
And the bolded - how old are you? They're going to let you raise your kids however you want? Wow, how big of them. Didn't they change the rules around on you the first time? They initially said just get married in the church, and now they're demanding you attend weekly services. How long before they demand your kids be baptized, and make their communion, and then be confirmed? All I see here are red flags. 


>>>>>>BOXES<<<<<<



All I'm seeing is red flags for the fiance. Not only being pushed to have a wedding in a faith he does believe in, complete with prayers and vows in the name of a God he doesn't worship, but then having his religiosity dictated by his FILS for the sake of money for a wedding? 

No. All of the no. I would have given my engagement ring back and ran as far as I could ages ago. I would never marry someone so disrespectful of my beliefs, because I'm pretty sure I'd never be able to stay with such a person.

OP - you need to discuss with your FI what he's comfortable with, and what you're comfortable with, and have a wedding ceremony based on that. Please do not make vows under the pretense of a religion you do not follow, because they will be as empty as every prayer you're asked to say during the ceremony. 

If your parents won't pay for the wedding because of it, then figure something else out. push it back, if you have to, or move it to your or your FI's back yard during a non-meal time. Your marriage should start with a ceremony that's true to both of you and your relationship - with vows that actually mean something. The reception is secondary - optional, even, in comparison.

(Edited for boxes)

drunkenwitch

More red flags than a soccer riot. 1) who says "poopie face "? Seriously? 2) you are allowing your parents to control your life and emotionally blackmailing your fiance to do something he is uncomfortable with and you act like he's the problem? Forcing religion on anyone for any reason os always wrong.

photokitty

The OP is now married, or at least the date of the planned church wedding has passed.

zombie...