Moms and Maids

MOH bails out of wedding

With 10 days left until my wedding my MOH bailed out. I'm completly devistated. 

- I met my fiance because of her. She was so happy when we got together.
- She helped my fiance pick out the wedding ring and she helped plan the propsal.
- She begged me to ask her to be the MOD.

But then....


- She missed my dress shopping.
- She wouldn't try any bridesmaids dresses on.
- She complained for weeks about the hair and make up.
- Since I got engaged 12 months ago she has seen me 6-7 times.
- She complained about any ideas the Bridesmaids had about the bachelorette party.
- With 2 weeks before the bachelorette party, the bridesmaids realized she half put the bachelorette party together so everyone picked up the slack and she said she was happy about that and glad they helped.
- She says she is always busy but before we got engaged she was always coming over to hang out and making time for our friendship.

She has never been in a bridal party and i promise you i never brought any of my frustrations to light i understood she is new at this and maybe couldn't handle it. But then after the bachelorette party(with 1 days before the wedding) she text me and says i wish you and your fiance all the best but it's for the best im not in the wedding. She wouldn't agree to meet with me to talk so instead my fiance called her and explained that we jsut need to talk and get it all out so can i please come over and talk so i did...She says she was having panic attacks and anxiety about being in the wedding. She wanted me to appoint one of my sisters as the maid of honor but i'm not going to do that. So i told her if she wasn't in the wedding then i wasn't going to replace her because that isn't right. She explained that her boyfriend told her that since she was so stressed she just shouldnt be in the wedding and now she doesnt want to be in it.And we left it at that. But i dont understand what there was to be stressed abou. I've been very easy going planning this wedding by myself. She siad she couldnt go dress shopping i said ok. She complained about the hair and i said my only request is that your hair is up and intact since it's a outside wedding and it will be hot. She only had to by her dress and shoes ($200 max). I'm paying for hair, dress alteration, make up, jewelry, food, hotel, transportation before and after wedding.

I dont want to loose a friend over this but she seemed like she was done being my friend and from a planning stand point i've paid for her and her boyfriend's plate at the reception, ive printed the program post, dress alteration, paid for her hair and make up, spent money on a MOH gift for her, paid for her bouquet. Like im at a lose and she knew how tight our budget was. So if she felt so uncomfortable why didnt she say something to me way before. I might of been more understanding but now i feel like shes just doing it to be cruel. I've been nothing but accommidating to all my bridesmaids and her. They all can't beleive how easy going and budget friendly i've been.

Re: MOH bails out of wedding

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    With 10 days left until my wedding my MOH bailed out. I'm completly devistated. 

    - I met my fiance because of her. She was so happy when we got together.
    - She helped my fiance pick out the wedding ring and she helped plan the propsal.
    - She begged me to ask her to be the MOD.

    But then....


    - She missed my dress shopping.
    - She wouldn't try any bridesmaids dresses on.
    - She complained for weeks about the hair and make up.
    - Since I got engaged 12 months ago she has seen me 6-7 times.
    - She complained about any ideas the Bridesmaids had about the bachelorette party.
    - With 2 weeks before the bachelorette party, the bridesmaids realized she half put the bachelorette party together so everyone picked up the slack and she said she was happy about that and glad they helped.
    - She says she is always busy but before we got engaged she was always coming over to hang out and making time for our friendship.

    She has never been in a bridal party and i promise you i never brought any of my frustrations to light i understood she is new at this and maybe couldn't handle it.  Handle what exactly?  Did you put pressure on her to do more then what she is actually required to do which is to buy the dress and show up at your wedding?  And even if you didn't mean to put pressure on her maybe you did unknowingly. But then after the bachelorette party(with 1 days before the wedding) she text me and says i wish you and your fiance all the best but it's for the best im not in the wedding. She wouldn't agree to meet with me to talk so instead my fiance called her and explained that we jsut need to talk and get it all out so can i please come over and talk so i did...She says she was having panic attacks and anxiety about being in the wedding. She wanted me to appoint one of my sisters as the maid of honor but i'm not going to do that. So i told her if she wasn't in the wedding then i wasn't going to replace her because that isn't right.  Good. She explained that her boyfriend told her that since she was so stressed she just shouldnt be in the wedding and now she doesnt want to be in it.And we left it at that. But i dont understand what there was to be stressed abou. I've been very easy going planning this wedding by myself. She siad she couldnt go dress shopping i said ok. She complained about the hair and i said my only request is that your hair is up and intact since it's a outside wedding and it will be hot.  I thinks its kind of ridiculous that you are telling a grown woman how to wear her hair, even if you are paying for it. She only had to by her dress and shoes ($200 max).  Did you ask her budget before picking a dress?  And did you require specific shoes besides just saying "any silver shoe?"  If you require a specific shoe then you need to pay for it. I'm paying for hair, dress alteration, make up, jewelry you don't have to do this because matching jewelry is not necessary and ridiculous because no one will notice or care about your BMs jewelry, food, hotel, transportation you didn't have to do this either, you volunteered to do this before and after wedding.  Just because you voluntarily decided to pay for things does not mean that you can hold that over her head or use it as a way to say she had no reason to drop out.

    I dont want to loose a friend over this but she seemed like she was done being my friend and from a planning stand point i've paid for her and her boyfriend's plate at the reception, ive printed the program post, dress alteration, paid for her hair and make up, spent money on a MOH gift for her, paid for her bouquet. Like im at a lose and she knew how tight our budget was. So if she felt so uncomfortable why didnt she say something to me way before.  Probably because it is hard to tell people, especially close friends, certain things because you don't want to hurt their feelings.  Put yourself in her shoes, how difficult would it be for you to tell someone that you don't want to be in their wedding anymore? I might of been more understanding but now i feel like shes just doing it to be cruel.  Do you really believe that?  Seriously? I've been nothing but accommidating to all my bridesmaids and her. They all can't beleive how easy going and budget friendly i've been.  Have you ever considered that this may not have anything to do with your wedding and everything to do with your friendship?  And sorry but whenever anyone repeatedly says how easy going they I find the opposite to be true.

    During this past year have you checked in with your BM as a friend and not as a BM?  Maybe something is going on in her personal life that has caused her to distance herself from you. Maybe she has gotten incredibly busy and that is why she is not around as much anymore.  A lot of times brides can have blinders on and tend to focus solely on their wedding plans and forget that the friendships that they have now will be there long after their one day is over with. You need to be a friend first and a bride second.

    At this point I would call your friend or send her a message and tell her that you would really like to talk to her, friend to friend, and see what has gone wrong in your relationship.  This person was your MOH so I am assuming was your nearest and dearest.  You shouldn't just throw this away because of this.  Leave all wedding talk out of it.  If she brings up the wedding and says that she felt pressure by you to do certain things then just say "I am sorry."  Nothing more.  No "I am sorry, but," just apologize.  Because remember, your wedding is one day and is not worth losing a close friendship over.

    onefootinthebayoulc07
  • Coming from a person who has anxiety issues, if she is really having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks about being in the wedding then you should be reaching out to her as a friend. It's really hard when you are going through that to think that you are going to be OK the day of the wedding. I'm sorry it took her this long to come to you and tell you but she may have thought she could get it under control for the wedding and has just realized she isn't comfortable doing it. If this is the real reason, she's not doing it to be cruel and I'm sure she feels bad about it. 

    Try talking to her and see why her anxiety is being triggered? I'm not sure what things you would be asking of her anyways but it may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with something else going on in her life and the idea of standing up in front of a lot of people.  

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    OliveOilsMomlc07
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    I'm a bride not a bridesmaid, but as a bride I can tell you the most infuriating phrase has been "What's there to be stressed about?"

    This is thrown around by people who don't understand what's going on in my life.

    It's thrown around by people who take utter joy in planning giant parties and spending money.

    It's thrown around by those who think that because this is "my special day" (another common phrase) then everything should be perfect and I should just turn my stress off.

    Nothing, NOTHING infuriates me more than to be asked "What is there to stress about?"

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • MegEn1 said:
    I'm a bride not a bridesmaid, but as a bride I can tell you the most infuriating phrase has been "What's there to be stressed about?"

    This is thrown around by people who don't understand what's going on in my life.

    It's thrown around by people who take utter joy in planning giant parties and spending money.

    It's thrown around by those who think that because this is "my special day" (another common phrase) then everything should be perfect and I should just turn my stress off.

    Nothing, NOTHING infuriates me more than to be asked "What is there to stress about?"
    Also, some people DO have serious anxiety.   DH nearly passed out at the altar.   It was air conditioned but hot in that space in the church (just a perfect zone where no fan was blowing and it was 100 degrees outside) PLUS we had to kneel the WHOLE TIME.   My MOH nearly passed out from heat.   And then I found out that at my parents' wedding, my aunt was MOH and she had a panic attack and nearly passed out from the anxiety.   That can be a REAL THING!
  • I guess the issue is how do i move forward from this? The wedding is in 10 days. For planning purposes i had to tell my parents and now people have been talking they cant beleive she is doing this. ive been explaining she was stressed and having anxiety and they dont seem to get it(they all say, whats there to be so stressed about). Obviously people know who my maid of honor is and i dont ever plan to replace her so people will be asking and people will talk and i just dont want this to get any worse. I was really upset about this on sunday night and after thinking and reading these comments. I think im starting to be ok. My friend flat out does not want to be in the wedding or even go to the wedding bc she says she will feel embarressed which i understand people will talk.

  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Stop talking about it if people are freaking out and making it worse. Just go on with your day. If people gasp when you come down the aisle it won't be because your MOH isn't there -- it'll be because of how happy you look and what a beautiful day you're going to have.

    After the wedding try to talk with the friend and rekindle the friendship. A lot of us get wedding blinders when we're planning and it can be hard to see when there's more going on in other peoples' lives. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    PP have good advice on how to deal with your friendship.  It is sad and you are allowed to feel frustrated by the situation.  Try to deflect other people trying to talk about this issue with you.  "I don't think anyone can know how MOH was feeling.  If she was getting stressed and having anxiety, as much as I wish she could be standing up there with me, I'm glad that she is putting her own health first."  Then change the subject.

    Continue a dialog with your friend.  Let her know that you still care about her and your friendship.

    It is probably too late to change your head count for the wedding, but it is probable that you will have some no shows anyway.  I had 2 at my wedding.  But call any other vendor (and your caterer too - it doesn't hurt to try) to try and get her costs removed from your contracts.  You still have 10 days, so you may be able to remove the extra costs.

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited August 2015
    - She missed my dress shopping.  She is not required to be there.
    - She wouldn't try any bridesmaids dresses on.  Did you ask about her budget?
    - She complained for weeks about the hair and make up.  Are you paying for it?  You should if you are requiring it.
    - Since I got engaged 12 months ago she has seen me 6-7 times. ...and this is a problem because....?
    - She complained about any ideas the Bridesmaids had about the bachelorette party.  She is not required to plan or attend this. 
    - With 2 weeks before the bachelorette party, the bridesmaids realized she half put the bachelorette party together so everyone picked up the slack and she said she was happy about that and glad they helped.
    - She says she is always busy but before we got engaged she was always coming over to hang out and making time for our friendship.  Have you actually talked to her about anything except your wedding lately?
    She says she was having panic attacks and anxiety about being in the wedding. Lots of people have anxiety about appearing in public and being the center of attention.  You should be sympathetic if you really are her friend.

    It sounds to me like she was overwhelmed with people's expectations of her.  All she was supposed to do was to show up, dressed in the dress, sober, and stand up with you as you say your vows.  She also should pose for pictures. Instead, she is planning bachelor parties, etc.  Do a little internet research on panic attacks.  They are truly horrible, and can be mistaken for heart attacks.  She probably fears that she will mess up your beautiful wedding.  Have some compassion.
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  • I get that you're disappointed and frustrated, but I doubt your friend dropped out of your wedding to be "cruel" to you. Either she has had anxiety about the wedding for a while and thought until recently that she could keep it under control, or something else is going on in her life that's causing her to get more stressed out than usual, and being in your wedding just made it all too much to manage.

    If you really don't want to lose her as a friend, you need to talk to her if you haven't already and get to the heart of the matter. Then you need to be supportive of her whatever she tells you, especially if she tells you that she has anxiety issues and the wedding was aggravating that. That would not be an easy thing to tell anyone. You are right not to be ready to end your friendship with her over this. A wedding is one day, and no friendship should ever end over it.
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    mzelizabethlynnlc07
  • edited August 2015
    MegEn1 said:
    I'm a bride not a bridesmaid, but as a bride I can tell you the most infuriating phrase has been "What's there to be stressed about?"

    This is thrown around by people who don't understand what's going on in my life.

    It's thrown around by people who take utter joy in planning giant parties and spending money.

    It's thrown around by those who think that because this is "my special day" (another common phrase) then everything should be perfect and I should just turn my stress off.

    Nothing, NOTHING infuriates me more than to be asked "What is there to stress about?"

    Cannot even deal with that nonsense. Been told that by FMIL and others half a dozen times. As someone with anxiety...oh and a life outside of wedding planning.. it can be infuriating. I asked Fi once..does FMIL know I have a full-time job that isn't planning a wedding?

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