One bridesmaid doing all the work, MOH and other bridesmaid clueless...

smtaylor22289

HELP!!! My wedding is in 9 days and all of my bridesmaids live out of state. Because of this communication is usually only through email or text and it hasn't been consistent. I thought I had addressed this but I've only recently become aware of how bad it's really been. I've been so caught up planning the wedding, but now my one bridesmaid is refusing to help with anything else and my MOH and other bridesmaid are completely oblivious to her feelings. I'm trying to remedy the situation but my MOH isn't responding to phone calls and I'm afraid to send any group emails for fear of exacerbating the issue. I don't want everyone to hate each other, help!!!

Maggie0829

smtaylor22289 said:

HELP!!! My wedding is in 9 days and all of my bridesmaids live out of state. Because of this communication is usually only through email or text and it hasn't been consistent. I thought I had addressed this but I've only recently become aware of how bad it's really been. I've been so caught up planning the wedding, but now my one bridesmaid is refusing to help with anything else and my MOH and other bridesmaid are completely oblivious to her feelings. I'm trying to remedy the situation but my MOH isn't responding to phone calls and I'm afraid to send any group emails for fear of exacerbating the issue. I don't want everyone to hate each other, help!!!

Well first, your BMs and MOH are people that you are honoring.  The only requirement on them is to buy the chosen attire and show up on time for your wedding.  That is it.

You should not get involved with any issues they are having with each other.  They are adults and can figure this out on their own.

Not really sure what you expected from them or what you asked of them or what requirements they may have put on themselves.  But if the MOH and BMs don't want to do anything for your wedding besides stand up next to you then that is perfectly fine.  Because like I said, your wedding party are people who you want to honor, not people who are supposed to help you with god knows what.

ShesSoCold

smtaylor22289 said:

HELP!!! My wedding is in 9 days and all of my bridesmaids live out of state. Because of this communication is usually only through email or text and it hasn't been consistent. I thought I had addressed this but I've only recently become aware of how bad it's really been. I've been so caught up planning the wedding, but now my one bridesmaid is refusing to help with anything else and my MOH and other bridesmaid are completely oblivious to her feelings. I'm trying to remedy the situation but my MOH isn't responding to phone calls and I'm afraid to send any group emails for fear of exacerbating the issue. I don't want everyone to hate each other, help!!!

Well, definitely start by telling your BM that you aren't going to pay her as previously discussed if she doesn't render her services. 

What's that? You didn't agree to pay her? Even easier! She has no responsibility to do anything for you and you can move on with your life.

AddieCake

Not helping with what?

onefootinthebayou

These posts always leave me so confused and OPs never come back and say what all needs to be done by the BP ahead of time.

I just threw a big wedding.  We had a big WP.  I was barely in touch w/my BMs regarding the wedding ahead of time except to answer questions on lodging, restaurant recs, etc.  Day of, I did ask my cousin BM to pick me up an ice coffee on her way over to my suite but that really didn't require any advanced planning or group emails.   

OP, what all are they supposed to be doing?  I'm legit curious.  

[Deleted User]

smtaylor22289 said:

HELP!!! My wedding is in 9 days and all of my bridesmaids live out of state. Because of this communication is usually only through email or text and it hasn't been consistent. I thought I had addressed this but I've only recently become aware of how bad it's really been. I've been so caught up planning the wedding, but now my one bridesmaid is refusing to help with anything else and my MOH and other bridesmaid are completely oblivious to her feelings. I'm trying to remedy the situation but my MOH isn't responding to phone calls and I'm afraid to send any group emails for fear of exacerbating the issue. I don't want everyone to hate each other, help!!!

Oh My God!!!  Well, you have 9 days to find other girls who fit into the bridesmaid dresses.  I suggest you kick everyone out and start over with a fresh clean slate.  You don't need people in your life who don't fawn all over you and go out of their way to "help".

jacques27

smtaylor22289 said:

HELP!!! My wedding is in 9 days and all of my bridesmaids live out of state. Because of this communication is usually only through email or text and it hasn't been consistent. I thought I had addressed this but I've only recently become aware of how bad it's really been. I've been so caught up planning the wedding, but now my one bridesmaid is refusing to help with anything else and my MOH and other bridesmaid are completely oblivious to her feelings. I'm trying to remedy the situation but my MOH isn't responding to phone calls and I'm afraid to send any group emails for fear of exacerbating the issue. I don't want everyone to hate each other, help!!!

Well, the good news for you is that your role in this is pretty easy.  You do nothing.  These are not children and you are not their mommy.  It's not your responsibility to sort out their relationships with each other.

Your post is very confusing because none of them are required to do anything for your wedding except buy a dress (or other appropriate attire) and show up the day of sober enough to walk in a straight line down an aisle. 

So, if the things that the one bridesmaid is doing that the other two are not are in any way connected to the actual planning/crafting of your wedding, then easy peasy the solution for her to realize that she's actually not required to do any of that because it is solely the responsibility of the two people getting married.  That should take some stress off of her and help her to realize that the other two are in fact not to be faulted for any reason.

Now, if the things that the one bridesmaid is doing that the other two are not are say throwing a shower or bachelorette for you within the next nine days (both things are entirely optional, can be thrown by anyone, not just people in your bridal party) and ALL THREE had previously agreed that they would co-host this together and chip in and the other two are now slacking off on this, then I could see how your one bridesmaid could be upset.  But then that goes back to it not being your responsibility to be their mommy.  And this only applies of all three decided to jointly throw the party, not just that one decided to do it and just expected that the other two would contribute.

smtaylor22289

I have never asked my bridesmaids or MOH for anything for the wedding except for their opinion on the bridesmaids dress and opinions when I was having a difficult time making a decision on something. My fiance and I have done all the planning. The only things they have been involved with are the bridal shower and bachelorette party which, to my understanding (and according to articles presented by the etiquette category on this very website) is something that they are involved with. These things have apparently caused enough tension between my friends and sister and ALL I'm asking is for advice on how to help smooth things over. Thank you for your time and responses. I'll seek advice elsewhere. 

AddieCake

First, The Knot is a part of the wedding industry and is here to make money. Their "articles" are not reliable sources for advice on etiquette or anything else. Second, I don't think you need to do anything to smooth things over. This is their mess, not yours. They don't need to be friends, and if they can't get along, so be it. Since your one bridesmaid doesn't want to help anymore, that's great since she doesn't have to anyway. As PPs have already said, none of them have to help with anything. If they got in a fight over something they were planning or doing, it's on them as adults to put their big girl panties on and sort it out.

CMGragain

Etiquette books are not trying to sell you anything.  We aren't either.  All of the standard etiquette guides say the same thing:  a bridesmaid's job is to show up on time for your ceremony, dressed in the dress, and to be sober and ready to smile for the camera.  That is all.  In addition, it is your MOH's job to hold your flowers while you say your vows.  It is not their job to help you plan your wedding, help you choose your wedding gown, or to throw any parties for you.
The Knot is connected with their magazine, which needs advertizing money.  This makes it a part of the wedding industry, whose sole purpose is to help you spend more money on your wedding.  The posters on this forum are not employed by The Knot.  We will tell you the truth, whether you like it, or not.  Your friends and family care about you, and they won't want to tell you  anything that might make you unhappy.  (It sound like one bridesmaid did speak up.  Good for her!)
The ladies on ths thread have given you excellent advice.

artbyallie

At nine days out I wouldn't think there is anything left for them to respond to. They should have their attire by now and their plans for whatever they need to do to actually get themselves to the ceremony.

Maggie0829

smtaylor22289 said:

I have never asked my bridesmaids or MOH for anything for the wedding except for their opinion on the bridesmaids dress and opinions when I was having a difficult time making a decision on something. My fiance and I have done all the planning. The only things they have been involved with are the bridal shower and bachelorette party which, to my understanding (and according to articles presented by the etiquette category on this very website) is something that they are involved with. These things have apparently caused enough tension between my friends and sister and ALL I'm asking is for advice on how to help smooth things over. Thank you for your time and responses. I'll seek advice elsewhere. 

But we have told you what to do, and that is nothing.  It is not your job to bring everyone together into a kumbaya moment.  These people are adults and if they are having issues between one another then they are the ones that have to talk it out.  The only thing that will happen if you try and step in and fix things is most likely more drama and people thinking you are taking sides.  So stay out of it and let them be the adults that they hopefully are.

But I am interested in what in the world they are still having to plan or respond to 9 days out from your wedding.  At this point there really should be nothing left for them to do or plan.

So again, just stay out of it and focus on whatever last minute things you have to do.

Heffalump

smtaylor22289 said:

The only things they have been involved with are the bridal shower and bachelorette party which, to my understanding (and according to articles presented by the etiquette category on this very website) is something that they are involved with.

I always love when people cite this.  In addition to the excellent point about who is trying to sell you something vs. who isn't, it's not as if the posters actually write the articles on TK.  (If only they did.)  And the last I checked, the TOS don't require you to toe the party line as a condition of posting. 

OP, the Knot gives bad advice on some topics (especially their insane list of bridal party "responsibilities" that mostly seems like a mashup of every bad wedding movie ever made).  When you post on the boards, you'll get a dozen-plus replies from actual people living in the real world who have gotten married, are getting married, and/or have been in weddings.  If 90% of them are in consensus, I'd follow that advice over whatever the Knot is peddling.