How many "yes" rsvp's should I expect.

kmw201

Hi, This isn't technically an etiquette question but anyway . . . We are limited to a certain # of guests based on the maximum occupancy of the room at our reception venue. Therefore we have an "A" list and "B" list for guests. I was hoping people would share with me how many of our guests will most likely rsvp NO. I feel it's risky to invite everyone on both lists (about 140 people total and maximum # allowed is 100. However I have heard that approx 20% of your guests Usually cannot come. If you would share how many people you invited and how many came I would greatly appreciate it!! Thanks in advance Additional info-it's a semi destination wedding in Cape Cod, MA. Most of our family and friends live in NY and CT. I do have some family spread out across the west coast so a lot of people will have to travel.

novella1186

Always expect 100% attendance. That means if your venue can accommodate 150, you invite 148 (minus you and your FI, and don't forget to factor in vendors) 

ETA somehow I overlooked the part about the B list. Do not B list your guests. That is so extremely rude. 

novella1186

kmw201 said:

Hi, This isn't technically an etiquette question but anyway . . . We are limited to a certain # of guests based on the maximum occupancy of the room at our reception venue. Therefore we have an "A" list and "B" list for guests. I was hoping people would share with me how many of our guests will most likely rsvp NO. I feel it's risky to invite everyone on both lists (about 140 people total and maximum # allowed is 100. However I have heard that approx 20% of your guests Usually cannot come. If you would share how many people you invited and how many came I would greatly appreciate it!! Thanks in advance Additional info-it's a semi destination wedding in Cape Cod, MA. Most of our family and friends live in NY and CT. I do have some family spread out across the west coast so a lot of people will have to travel.

JIC 

Jen4948

Regardless of how many people you are inviting,

1) Ditch the "B" list.  No guest likes being invited to a wedding as a "substitute" for someone else who already RSVPd no.  And people can tell when this has happened-when it's very close to the wedding date.  "B" listing is very rude and hurtful, so don't do it.  Either invite people or don't.

2) Always plan for 100% attendance, because you never know-every single person may just show up, and they'll all be justified in expecting to be fully hosted, regardless of how many people you "expected" to attend.

So if the maximum number allowed is 100, then you need to subtract out you, your FI, your vendors, your immediate family members and wedding party members, and then plan for a guest list no larger than whatever the remaining number of possible persons at your venue is, and plan for all 100% of them to attend.

lyndausvi

plan on 100%.   I had a semi-destination.  Beach resort that required a 2 night stay.  I only had a 15% decline rate.   

 I knew a couple who had a DW to the islands.   They figured on a 50% decline rate.  I'm not sure what the actual percentage was, but about 60 more people then they thought came to the wedding. They were not prepared at all. Had to cut it to a cash bar just to feed all the guests.  It wasn't pretty.

B-lists are pity invites to me.   Kind-of like "I if someone more important declines I would be happy to invite you".  It's a sucky feeling.

novella1186

lyndausvi said:

plan on 100%.   I had a semi-destination.  Beach resort that required a 2 night stay.  I only had a 15% decline rate.   

 I knew a couple who had a DW to the islands.   They figured on a 50% decline rate.  I'm not sure what the actual percentage was, but about 60 more people then they thought came to the wedding. They were not prepared at all. Had to cut it to a cash bar just to feed all the guests.  It wasn't pretty.

B-lists are pity invites to me.   Kind-of like "I if someone more important declines I would be happy to invite you".  It's a sucky feeling.

A lady in my office was freaking out today and bitching to anyone who would listen because her wedding is in less than a month and she "doesn't have enough people declining." She invited 180 people hoping that only 100 would RSVP yes, and she assumed this would happen based on how many of them live out of town. 

Well apparently so far she has gotten 160 "yes" responses, so she has had to scramble and drop a bunch more money to rent a bigger tent and whatever else. 

I don't remember what else she said. I was trying to ignore her because she created this problem for herself so I have no sympathy. It's poor planning and it's silly. 

ShesSoCold

We have an unfortunate number of women come here in a panic because more people RSVPed yes than they had planned for. Sometimes it puts them over budget and they're scrambling to find more money and stone times they're over capacity and they're scrambling to fund a new venue just weeks before. Don't be one of those brides. Plan on 100% attendance and don't have a B list.

lyndausvi

novella1186 said:

lyndausvi said:

plan on 100%.   I had a semi-destination.  Beach resort that required a 2 night stay.  I only had a 15% decline rate.   

 I knew a couple who had a DW to the islands.   They figured on a 50% decline rate.  I'm not sure what the actual percentage was, but about 60 more people then they thought came to the wedding. They were not prepared at all. Had to cut it to a cash bar just to feed all the guests.  It wasn't pretty.

B-lists are pity invites to me.   Kind-of like "I if someone more important declines I would be happy to invite you".  It's a sucky feeling.

A lady in my office was freaking out today and bitching to anyone who would listen because her wedding is in less than a month and she "doesn't have enough people declining." She invited 180 people hoping that only 100 would RSVP yes, and she assumed this would happen based on how many of them live out of town. 

Well apparently so far she has gotten 160 "yes" responses, so she has had to scramble and drop a bunch more money to rent a bigger tent and whatever else. 

I don't remember what else she said. I was trying to ignore her because she created this problem for herself so I have no sympathy. It's poor planning and it's silly. 

what is wrong with people? 

I have a cousin who NEVER attends in-town family functions.   Thought for sure she wouldn't attend my OOT wedding.   Sure enough she came.    93 year old aunt?  She was the last one there at 11pm at night.

Now I didn't plan and/hope they would not come, but kind-of thought they would be the ones who decline.  Nope, not at all.

A quick way to get yourself in trouble it think certain people or a percentage are not going to come.

kmw201

Thank you all for the advice so far, I don't want to come across as inconsiderate with the "B" list idea, we truly would love to have all of those people come but are on this strict occupancy # and I certainly don't want to plan poorly and have too many people rsvp and be freaking out. I was just curious if the 20% decline pattern usually held true. This is a second wedding for me, 1st for fiance that we are paying for ourselves but my mom has mentioned a few friends that she would possibly invite if there's room.

princessleia22

Definitely plan for 100% attendance... ESPECIALLY if your primary restriction is the venues maximum capacity.  If it were a budget issue, sometimes you can find more money if more people come or find a way to stretch resources (although not always and do you really want the stress of that?).  But, if it's venue capacity, if more people come, then either they stand outside and can't attend or you are scrambling last minute to find a new venue (and eating whatever costs come with that hassle). Capacity is based on fire codes and most venues will be strict and turn people away when it hits maximum allowed.  So, definitely plan for 100% attendance.  And like others said, don't forget to include bride, groom, wedding party, and vendors into the guest list count. If you really want to invite all 140 people, then find a different venue. Otherwise, cut the guest list down to below 100... you've already split your guest list into VIP's (group a) and group b.  As long as your VIP's are there, you will be happy and have a great time.  So, if you have 80 people in group a, figure out which 10 people from group b you want, and draw the line there.  You shouldn't be THAT upset if all your second tier guests can't be invited.

novella1186

kmw201 said:

Thank you all for the advice so far, I don't want to come across as inconsiderate with the "B" list idea, we truly would love to have all of those people come but are on this strict occupancy # and I certainly don't want to plan poorly and have too many people rsvp and be freaking out. I was just curious if the 20% decline pattern usually held true. This is a second wedding for me, 1st for fiance that we are paying for ourselves but my mom has mentioned a few friends that she would possibly invite if there's room.

Cut your guest list NOW, and cut the entire B list. That makes it easy for you. 

Personally if I don't get invited to someone's wedding I don't get upset about it. I understand that there are budget and space restrictions or maybe they just didn't feel like inviting me. Whatever. My world won't end. Especially since it doesn't revolve around other people and their wedding. 

However, I would be beyond pissed to find that I had been given a B-list invite. That sucks and it's rude. If I'm not that important to you then don't invite me at all rather than rank me as less important than everyone else. 

FWIW my H and I were invited to a wedding this past month and were very much looking forward to it. We had no expected an invite but were excited to receive one. A week before the wedding, the couple un-invited us because they did not have enough space at their venue. We were both very hurt to be treated so shitty and are no longer friends with that couple. 

The 20% decline pattern is a total urban legend. 

Jen4948

kmw201 said:

Thank you all for the advice so far, I don't want to come across as inconsiderate with the "B" list idea, we truly would love to have all of those people come but are on this strict occupancy # and I certainly don't want to plan poorly and have too many people rsvp and be freaking out. I was just curious if the 20% decline pattern usually held true. This is a second wedding for me, 1st for fiance that we are paying for ourselves but my mom has mentioned a few friends that she would possibly invite if there's room.

If there are more than 100 people you want to involve in the wedding, I'd find a larger venue that can accommodate however many people you want to involve.  Remember, that has to include you, your FI, your families, and bridal party members and vendors as well.

AddieCake

Always plan for 100% attendance and never do a B-list.

labro

Don't B-List. Invite no more than your venue max capacity only (and don't forget to include you, your FI, and your vendors in that number). I've had two friends now who had a 100% or nearly 100% acceptance rate. There's just no way to accurately say that x amount of people won't come and others will. Can you cut down your "A" list any to accommodate your B list? Such as not inviting children? Only inviting direct family? Etc.? Everyone has to make a cut off at some point, and it sucks sometimes because there's always that other person you'd want to have there, but people understand. They aren't going to be offended to not be invited to your wedding. I'd be more annoyed to receive a last minute or late invitation just because someone else declined. It makes me feel like a second class friend.

One other thing - are you sure you want to invite your max capacity? Max capacity in your venue may mean no room for a dance floor, people sitting on top of each other, etc. I'd take into consideration how much usable space you actually have before putting together a final guest list.

aurianna

OP, definitely expect 100%.

I admit I was one of those people who invited more than our room would hold because my mom (who was paying) kept insisting that a lot of hubby's out of town family would decline.

It ended up being the most stressful part of my wedding planning (And know when I say this, our original venue closed down a month before we were having invitations printed. I had 1 month to find a venue for a wedding that was only 3 months away. But the over-inviting still trumped that).

Any time I got a 'yes' from someone I expected a 'no' from, rather than being happy that someone was joining us for our wedding, I was freaked out.
I found myself hoping people would say no and was happy when I got unexpected no's.
I'd keep a daily count on the acceptances and make mental projections about what it might end up and it was just bad.
At one point his family had talked about renting a bus and all riding down together and I wanted to die.
It was awful. I felt awful. You don't want to be hoping people say no to your wedding. That's a horrible mindset to be in.
It was more stress than I needed; and we even had a [more expensive] contingency if we went over the room size, and it was still bad, even knowing that.

I have a coworker that expected a small number, but all of his out of town family decided to use the wedding like a family reunion. He had nearly 100%.

Novella mentioned on another thread a wedding she was invited to that was overbooked... the couple started disinviting people which is pretty much the most awful thing a host can do.


Save yourself the stress later down the road and set a guest list now. Pick as many people as you can possibly hold/afford, and make the list no longer than that. Send invites to only those people, all at the same time. It will make life better.
ETA: And as others have said, do NOT send out a second set of invites after people have declined. It is so rude. And they will find out. And they will judge you for it.

NowIamMrsKlein

I had people that no one in my family expected to attend RSVP yes. Seriously cousins that hadn't attended a family event in 10 years whose own mothers told me there was no way they could come RSVP'd as coming. My FI's estranged uncle who we sent an invite to, never expecting to hear anything back from, rsvp'd that they 'are delighted to attend'

Our guest list (including ourselves and all vendors) was a max capicity that our venue recommended for still being comfortable in our space. We had a lot of people still that we wanted to invite but couldn't after we finalized our guest list. If we had listened to these people who told us certain people wouldn't attend and invited over capacity we really would have found ourselves in a pickle.

So simply invite your nearest and dearest, don't do a B list. If you do get a large decline rate you can always upgrade something at the reception. Champagne toast, extra appies, upgrade the meal etc. But DONT add invites last minute to fill spaces. It's rude and makes those people feel 'second best'

hellohkb

I've heard 80% is pretty common but ALWAYS budget and expect 100%. It's better to overbudget than underbudget!

And for the love of god please don't B-list. It's really hurtful to know you were an afterthought.

levioosa

B listing is incredibly rude. It tells your guests that there were more important people to invite first and that they are second tier.

The wedding I was in last year went off of the "out of towners will decline" rule.  Their venue could hold 120.  They invited 220, figuring that most of the out of town family from Utah (we are in CA) wouldn't be able to come.  Guess what?  EVERYONE CAME.  The bride was freaking out two weeks before the wedding because they were drastically past their maximum.  The reception hall was way too small for that many people and the buffet ran out of food.  People didn't get to eat until 9 pm....for a wedding that started at five.  

Moral of the story?  Plan for 100% attendance and don't B-list.  

kvruns

Out of 65 invited we had 1 decline due to work and 1 no show - each of those were singles (and the only two singles we had) and the rest all came. We did have 8-10 others (plus another 7-8 who would attend with them) that we knew weren't coming before invites even went out so I guess if I count those then it was about 15% decline

WinstonsGirl

I got married in Hawaii.  Invited 125 (but a bunch were my parents friends they knew weren't coming), had 40 attend (perfect size in my head).  Another knottie also got married in Hawaii.  She invited about 120 if I remember.  Everyone went.  She had 100% attendance. 

 

You will never know how many people are going until your get the cards back, and by then it's too late

ShesSoCold

I had planned a DW that we ended up canceling. More people RSVPed yes to that than they did the wedding we had at home. Another example of how you can never try to plan ahead gif something like this.

downtondiva

B-listing is rude; it makes people feel like an afterthought and makes it harder for them to plan if they get the wedding invitation later than everyone else.

Assume there will be 100% attendance, even if it seems unlikely, and only invite as many people as you can afford to host comfortably and properly. This is why you should never, ever book a venue without a budget and at the very least a rough draft of the guest list.

OllisaurusRex

My brother - 183 invited, 177 showed. I think only 2 nos came back, one family had another wedding and one couple went homophobic on everyone and thus skipped.

My other brother - 230 and some invited (my family doesn't do small weddings), 228 attendees.

My FSIL - 112 invited, 113 attendees (since the 7 week old baby wasn't on the invite, but was welcomed)

We're inviting as of now 180 or so, and I figure we'll see that number. Plan for 100% attendance, and kill the B list.

Viczaesar

kmw201 said:

Hi, This isn't technically an etiquette question but anyway . . . We are limited to a certain # of guests based on the maximum occupancy of the room at our reception venue. Therefore we have an "A" list and "B" list for guests. I was hoping people would share with me how many of our guests will most likely rsvp NO. I feel it's risky to invite everyone on both lists (about 140 people total and maximum # allowed is 100. However I have heard that approx 20% of your guests Usually cannot come. If you would share how many people you invited and how many came I would greatly appreciate it!! Thanks in advance Additional info-it's a semi destination wedding in Cape Cod, MA. Most of our family and friends live in NY and CT. I do have some family spread out across the west coast so a lot of people will have to travel.

If the maximum number allowed is 100, you should invite 100 minus you and your FI and any vendors who have to be included in the count for space and financial reasons. 

Knottie91800232

Do yourself a favor now and switch venues. It will save you a lot of stress. If all you've put down is the initial hold deposit, do it. That said, if it's really too late...

Not inviting children will help cut down your number if you haven't already considered it. We had about 30 potential child guests on our list before we decided to host an adults reception. We've only invited 5 kids, all involved in the wedding and their sibs. The nice thing about that from a capacity standpoint, is people who have children may not attend due to not wanting to leave their kids at home, we've had a couple declines for that. It's disappointing not to have those people, but if you're stuck in this venue with this number crunch, it's an approach you might take. Also, if you're getting married on a holiday weekend (we are) your guest count will be a little lower due to heightened flight costs and the holiday commitments your guests keep elsewhere.

If you haven't sent out save-the-dates yet, send them out sparingly.

If you try to hold off on a couple invites, they still must go out by 6 weeks or it's rude, and you won't have an accurate head count or idea of who's coming by 6 weeks anyway, so it's pointless. I had a couple acquaintances I held off on inviting, and by the six-week mark I still wasn't sure if I wanted to invite them (not due to capacity reasons, I'm just indecisive). But when the six-week mark came around, the ship had sailed and I let it go.

I was recently B-listed for a wedding, got the invite about 3 weeks out with no save-the-date. Found out later the family had two weddings the same day and scrambled to add more guests to this sparsely attended one. It sucked because though I knew I was B-listed and couldn't attend, I still felt obligated to send a present (which I never was thanked for either.)

snowywinter

Other posters have pretty much covered it. Mine is a semi-destination wedding too and I'm counting on a lot of declines as well, but it would freak me out too much to plan for it. For me, if as many people decline as I think, I'm going to upgrade the meal or, depending on the number of declines, upgrade to a full open bar instead of just beer and wine. Or we'll just tuck that money aside for the honeymoon. We haven't decided yet. One thing is for sure though, the last thing in the world I want to do is scramble for a new venue or for an extra thousand dollars a month before the wedding.

southernbelle0915

Either get a bigger venue that can accommodate everyone you want to invite or cut your list.

Do not over invite expecting declines. That rarely ends well as others have attested.

And b-listing is against etiquette. It's super obvious when people do it and incredibly rude.

SP29

Plan for 100% attendance. Decline rates vary for wildly different reasons, but you will be surprised by who can come (when you assumed they wouldn't) and who can't.

We had a fairly high decline rate (invited 110, 72 came), but it was OOT for a lot of our friends, most of whom were still in/ just finished school, and it was at the beginning of January. So a lot of declines had to do with holiday travel and finances. But there were still a bunch of people who came who we were pleasantly surprised could come (we wanted them there, but if we had to think about it, we thought it would have been them who declined). We still didn't go and B-list to fill in the spots, we just took that as money we could save instead of spend (because of that, we were under budget on the wedding).

My friend just got married yesterday (Sunday of a long weekend here). She had 100% attendance.

Remember that the venue capacity also counts yourself, your FI and all your vendors.

May I also suggest, that even if the venue capacity is 100, if you are still a ways out from sending invites that you do not lock down your guest list now at 100- save yourself some room. You never know who could start a new relationship, or if you make some new friends.

We have had people come on here who created a guest list to their max, and then made some new friends at work a couple months out whom they wanted to invite and were wondering if/how they could B-list. Save yourself some room!

The other option, is find a different venue that gives you more wiggle room and you can make your final decision when invitations are ready to go out.

However, you did say your mom has some people "she wouldn't mind inviting" if there is space... those are people I wouldn't consider inviting. It sounds like these people are not YOUR VIPs, so I would save yourself the stress and take them off the list now.

climbingsingle

My co-worker's son got married last year. They invited over the capacity limit, expecting people to decline. Every single guest they invited responded yes, and this couple had 20 extra people that they had no room for. 

ETA: If you B list someone, there's a good chance they'll find out. I've been B listed, and it hurt my feelings. I would have rather been left off the guest list. 

[Deleted User]

We invited a total of 135 guests, from my side of the family we were expecting 10 declines, I got 4 declines. On my in law side, I think it was about 80 guests that we invited & were told, don't worry, at least 30% (24 people) will decline. Nope, only 4 declined. So basically, plan for 100% and don't over invite what you can fit into your venue or that you can afford to host.

In regards to B listing, ok to have a B list for save the dates, the people you aren't sure if you are going to invite or not. But once it comes down to sending out invites, you really can't have a B list because by time you start getting your declines in, it's too late to send out invites to guest without them knowing that they are second string guests.

lovesclimbing

You really ought to expect 100 percent acceptance, with a few exceptions.

I'm one of those people (I'm in the minority here) who think you can expect and know for sure that some people will decline.  My cousins who live half way across the country who visit every three years and just came for a visit six months ago? Extended relations who also live half way across the country who haven't left the state in decades? Some of H's extended relatives who have either never visited Alaska or haven't in years?

We had a cake and punch reception and did not do RSVPs.  My mom and I went through the list and marked people with either a yes, a no or a maybe. Everyone that we marked as a "no" ended up not coming, just like we thought. We invited over 300 people and bought cake and planned for about 120.  We had about 100 show up. So our attendance was probably about 30 percent, but again, a lot were courtesy invitations to relatives who lived a long away.

This is something you have to be careful about. We live in Alaska.  You can't really drive to get here.  Yes, you can, but it's not like a few hour drive you can do over a weekend.  It takes two days from the lower-48 at LEAST, and that's assuming you're driving fast and it's summer. Flying from the lower-48 is at least 3 hours, and that's coming from Seattle.  So it was not far fetched to think that lots of my extended relatives would not spring for at least two separate flights adding up to 4 to 8 hours of flight time just to get here not including the return trip. 

If your extended relatives just live a couple states away, you may not be able to count on it as much as we could.