Who did you rely on when you were planning?

nhultberg461

My Mom and Step Mom both live out of state, my two bridesmaids also live out of state.

I'm trying to plan our wedding, and FI is trying to help, but sometimes his brain disorder makes it harder.

We've made some of the decisions when he's having a good day and that helps.

But as I start to look at centerpieces, table settings, etc, those things, I start to realize that I wish that I had my mom and step mom close to help.

I don't want to hire a planner since that costs more money that we want to spend on everything.

Who did you rely on to help planning if most of your bridal party is out of state?

emmaaa

I relied on myself and my then FI.

redheadbride15

The ladies of The Knot, of course!

Seriously, when it came time to make decisions on the little things (like shoes, jewelery, decor, etc), I often posted on the boards to solicit opinions. I did 99% of the planning myself with no help from family/friends and very little input from H (not because he wasn't willing, he just didn't have many opinions). Also remember that those little details you're talking about (centerpieces, linens, etc.) are totally inconsequential at the end of the day, so don't spend too much time fretting over them.

climbingsingle

My FI at the time. I bounced some ideas off my MOH and another best friend to get their feedback. But that was mostly advice about my jewelry and what belt I wanted to put with my dress. Every other decision my FI and I made ourselves. I didn't involve my mom or FMIL in any planning. 

Jells2dot0

I relied only on myself for both of my weddings. I was out of state from family and friends for my first wedding. I also had two years to plan. Since no one really knew about our second wedding, it was all me. It was super easy to plan, though. The toughest part was planning the travel since we hopped around a lot.

labro

Just on myself. I definitely informed H on the big decisions and he was a part of that decision making process, but he didn't give a crap about stuff like flowers, centerpieces, etc.  On occasion I consulted my mom or TK, or I'd talk to my venue about their recommendations.

nhultberg461

I was doing a lot of it on my own, but then he wanted to be involved, and I was also informed/told that he should be in the planning part since it's not just my day but our day. And surprisingly he wants to help but sometimes the day he agrees and I go to make it happen, the next day he wants something different.

I want us both to be happy with what our day, since we have made it through a really rough year. We both want a small intimate ceremony with what he calls a big after party afterwards.

It was a first no more than 25 people, then he was ok with 50, now I don't know what he wants. I told him we need to sit down and go over everything again, and make sure we can do all he and I want within our budget.

Some days are a lot easier to plan with him then other days.

chloe97

I hear you. FIs been great with planning the ceremony and the party, but when it comes to the dress, accessories, colors, decor- he really doesn't have opinions or wants to be surprised. Everything looks good to him! My family and all my BMs live in other states. FIs mom and sister who live near us have offered to help as much as they can, but I dont 100% feel comfortable looping them in the decor decisions as FMIL can be very opinionated. In the meantime, I've just sent pictures of everything that I'm trying to decide on to my mom or MOH to get feedback. They both were great with ideas. I learned to trust my vendors that they know how to execute the theme and feel I'm going for. Now that I'm less than 3 weeks out- I see things coming together and I'm getting excited that it's actually all going to look good, but in the beginning I was completely overwhelmed!

beachyone15

Like, PPs I relied on myself and my (now) H. Why don't you ask your FI what he really cares about? Does he want to be involved in everything? Flowers, decor, music? Ask him what he cares about and what he doesn't. Then you can handle the things he isn't picky about.

It does concern me that you are already into planning and are now re-thinking your guest list. Get your guest list and budget in order first. You should tell him you two can't move forward until a firm decision is made on those two things.

luckya23

Mostly my BFF/MOH and my mom, especially when my FMIL was being ridiculous.  DH didn't really want much to do with any of it. 

ETA: Except that he wanted to get married in his hometown/in his church.  I was pretty much left on my own (and to deal with his mother) after that decision.

If I could do it over again, it would have been far from there!

nhultberg461

Our budget is set. And I thought our guest list was too until he wanted to add more people last night.

AddieCake

You need to be on the same page before you get into planning. And I responded on E about your ceremony and reception plans.

sassercake12

Pretty much myself and FI for bigger stuff or stuff he wanted to be involved with. I did ask for tips and advice from a friend who got married last year since none of our other friends are in that stage yet, and I didn't really know what I was doing at first.

novella1186

None of my BMs or mom or relatives or MIL live in my town. 

Planning was just H and me (mostly me). Sometimes one of my girl friends would text/email and want to know all about my plans and be involved a bit, so I would send them some pictures and say "what do you think of this color palette?" and kind of bounce ideas off of them. But I didn't do that too often because I didn't want to annoy anyone with an overload of wedding nonsense. 

I also asked for opinions/advice a lot on TK which, of course, was always super helpful. Everything from table runners to welcome bags to trolley schedules to dealing with a crazy sister/family. 

I get the frustration with your FI changing his mind. My H and I would discuss something and decide, but then he would forget. So a few weeks later when it would come up, he'd want something different and I'd say "But we already decided x and moved forward with it, remember?" With a million other things to do, I didn't want to constantly re-hash decisions. I started sending him emails to remind him of things and make sure he stayed in the loop, like "Ok I called the caterer and he can do the white china, like you and I talked about, so it's set." It helped a lot. 

nhultberg461

part of me wants to be very defensive right now and part of me realizes everyone here is trying to help.
For me what makes planning our day so frustrating is again his brain disorder. So where as some of you have the fi that is there helping with decisions it's not always the case with us.
When we first start planning we had 150 people of the list and he was uncomfortable with that amount. So we decided to look at the list and remove those that hadn't been there in the last year. Which got us down to 50 people. Which we both agreed.
But now as parts of his brain continue to heel and he's back at work he wants to include more people which for me gets frustrating. I want to set things and move to the next task.

luckya23

So he wants to give his input, but has difficulty making decisions... so you want to go around him and have a back-up (bridesmaid/family member) to help make the final decision?

Most people seem to have answered they did it themselves. 

What is it you are wanting here? 

nhultberg461 said:

part of me wants to be very defensive right now and part of me realizes everyone here is trying to help. For me what makes planning our day so frustrating is again his brain disorder. So where as some of you have the fi that is there helping with decisions it's not always the case with us. When we first start planning we had 150 people of the list and he was uncomfortable with that amount. So we decided to look at the list and remove those that hadn't been there in the last year. Which got us down to 50 people. Which we both agreed. But now as parts of his brain continue to heel and he's back at work he wants to include more people which for me gets frustrating. I want to set things and move to the next task.

nhultberg461

No I don't want to go around him I want him to help pick the site and help with the final decisions. But some of the smaller details like the centerpieces and stuff like that.

[Deleted User]

Myself and my fiance. We have a planner who helped us organize our budget, review contracts, and has made vendor suggestions on a few occasions since we don't live in the area where we are getting married. I solicited some opinions on TK about shoes. But really, all the work has been done by my fiance and I. We took his mom to two cake tastings because we know she likes cake- ha ha!

climbingsingle

nhultberg461 said:

No I don't want to go around him I want him to help pick the site and help with the final decisions. But some of the smaller details like the centerpieces and stuff like that.

Then make those decisions on your own. Pick something you like and show him. You're making this way more difficult then it needs to be. 

cgss11

Mostly DH. My Mom and MIL are out of town, and my one bridesmaid has a very busy career and 2 kids under 3. Sometimes I would text her to get an opinion between two options but that was about it. 

DH didn't really care about the flowers and centerpieces and stuff either, but he really came through and at least always listened to me and would give some basic thoughts. He was most excited to do the food and cake tasting obviously. And when it came time to design the cake, I had trouble because everything I wanted was an upcharge from the package we had, and he was awesome about asking the baker what we could get that was similar to what I liked, that fit in our package. And our cake turned out amazing.

pinkcow13

I just relied on myself and H. Whenever I had more of the "major" questions I asked you guys on TK. I didn't ask my mom or FMIL for any help, and only asked my BM's their opinion on their BM dresses. I agree, if you see something you like, pick it and show it to him.

lyndausvi

It was a combination.  My parents gifted us the reception.  As the hosts and paying for the wedding they were on the front lines when helping.  They never gave us a dime directly.  So every thing went through them.  (they were not dictators and never squashed anything we wanted.  If anything they added stuff we didn't need.   Custom napkins come to mind).

I lived OOT from my family, WP and even the location.      At various times either my mom or sister (MOH) and I would be online together chatting about things. I would narrow items down to 3 and then present them to DH.  He would pick one or give some input and I would go back and tweak things until it worked for both of us.

Too be fair I was only working 32 hours a week, DH was pulling in 80-90 hour weeks.  I had WAY more time to do the research then he did.

He was completely in charge of the candy bar.  That was his baby.   He also pretty much was the lead on our menu.  

*** venue - we did a lot of research on line about venues.  Then we gave a few places we liked and what we were looking for to my parents.   Being in the states it was easier for my parents to physically look.  Plus they were paying so they needed to confirm it was in their budget.  They picked our favorite spot based on what we saw online.  We didn't physically see the venue until after it was book and we flew in for a tasting.

AddieCake

I made most of the decisions myself. My husband had very little input on things other than saying yay or nay when I ran things by him. I really didn't find planning to be all that difficult on my own, which is ironic because I had delayed planning for a year because the prospect overwhelmed me.

lyndausvi

AddieCake said:

I made most of the decisions myself. My husband had very little input on things other than saying yay or nay when I ran things by him. I really didn't find planning to be all that difficult on my own, which is ironic because I had delayed planning for a year because the prospect overwhelmed me.

I didn't either.

I think part of it was how many weddings I've been too and/or worked.  I already knew what works and didn't.   Plus I've always been pretty confident in my choices.   I do not second guess myself very often.  

If you have a tough time making choices and are wishy washy I can see how planning is very overwhelming.

nhultberg461

I haven't been to a wedding in almost 10 years. So I really don't know what works and what doesn't. My first wedding we eloped

thisismynickname2

DH and I made the big decisions ourselves. For stuff neither of us cared about but what had to be done (like some minimal decor, "colors") I consulted my mom because she just loves doing that stuff. We also let my MIL make decisions on things that I didn't care about- she chose the perfect favors and even our cake topper on her own.  

In fact, funny story, I initially wanted all different colored bridesmaid dresses like the ladies in the Sex and the City movie. Mom brought home a bunch of different paint color swatches to show me how different colors and shades and hues looked together. I got overwhelmed and said, "Ok, black. We're going with black dresses." 

novella1186

thisismynickname said:

DH and I made the big decisions ourselves. For stuff neither of us cared about but what had to be done (like some minimal decor, "colors") I consulted my mom because she just loves doing that stuff. We also let my MIL make decisions on things that I didn't care about- she chose the perfect favors and even our cake topper on her own.  

In fact, funny story, I initially wanted all different colored bridesmaid dresses like the ladies in the Sex and the City movie. Mom brought home a bunch of different paint color swatches to show me how different colors and shades and hues looked together. I got overwhelmed and said, "Ok, black. We're going with black dresses." 

Same thing happened to me! I wanted all different shades of pale colors and maybe some neutrals. Until I went to the hardware store and looked at different paint chips together. And then I said "Ok they can all just wear pink." 

MyNameIsNot

Ours was me and my now H. My mom and some of my WP do live nearby, but I wouldn't have felt right relying on them to have to do any wedding planning. (Except our parents did give us some names for guest lists.) I did hire a DOC that was just starting out (on the advice of my local board). She was really helpful with pulling things together and with some vendor suggestions. 

If he and I couldn't make a decision on our own, I asked TK or another board I was active on at the time, but we were really able to make all of those decisions without much help. 

julieanne912

I have a super duper helpful MOH.  But it's really just me and her.  My mom can be helpful but she lives in another state so her input is limited.  As for FI, he'll help make a decision if I present him with options... basically, "which one do you like better, this one or this one", and that's about it.  He's in charge of music.  

justsie

I agree with PP. Ask your FI what is important to him, and then have him involved in those decisions. He may say his big things are the guestlist, music and food (just examples) so have him involved in those decisions and fill him in on the rest. My FIs are alcohol, music and having a nice room for the guys to get ready onsite- so thats what he's helping with. The other stuff would be me, with input from my mom since she is helping to pay. Occasionally my best friend (whom I hope will be my MOH) will ask about it, or pin to my wedding board some ideas.

kvruns

Me, FI and my mom for bouncing some things off. You don't need to involve the wedding party or even your parents.  An occasional "does this centerpiece look ok or is this style better" text to someone would be fine but no one needs to go with you to look at them.

it sounds like you and your FI need to nail down the details of the big stuff before worrying about the small things.