Who did you rely on when you were planning?

nhultberg461

kvruns said:

Me, FI and my mom for bouncing some things off. You don't need to involve the wedding party or even your parents.  An occasional "does this centerpiece look ok or is this style better" text to someone would be fine but no one needs to go with you to look at them.

it sounds like you and your FI need to nail down the details of the big stuff before worrying about the small things.

I'm going to sit down with him this weekend, and get him to settle on the budget, which I thought he already agreed to and also our guest list. And I'm going to call the venue again.

MrsMack10612

My H & I did all of our planning.  I bounced a ton of stuff off my mom and my sister.  My mom lives out of state and was disabled so she couldn't help the way I she wanted to and because of that (and other family baggage) my sister was bound and determined I have the wedding I wanted.  I sometimes think sis was more excited than I was.

Our WP asked how they could help, but we had it under control.  We had 3 years to plan so it made things easier

STARMOON44

I don't really understand why you're planning a wedding to someone who has a brain injury and isn't capable of making and sticking to decisions and whom you seemingly can't tell "oh hey no, remember we already decided that? Too late to change our minds" and have him be fine with that. It sounds like you two have really serious communication issues that you need to worth through first.

mrscomposer

J and I planned everything together.  He was more interested in the big foundational things than all the small details - so as long as I kept him in the loop with 'okay, here's what I'm thinking for this, is that okay?' I could just go ahead and do it.  The bar and the music were super important to him, so he was in charge of our liquor order and hiring the DJ.  He also booked our accommodations for the night of and night following.

madamerwin

I did 90% of the planning for our wedding. I found all the vendors and presented H with the final options -  he likes to say that he was the "manager" in the planning process, in that he just came in at the end to approve or veto things. I found our venue, photographer, caterer; I designed and ordered invitations, thank you cards, and all the decor. The only thing H did was find a DJ, since he is more particular about music than I am. The only thing he even had an opinion on, decor-wise, was our color scheme. Other than that, I did was @mrscomposer did - I would loop H in top make sure he wan't opposed to anything, but he rarely had strong opinions (or even cared) about the details.

I occasionally asked my sister for her opinions on things, and H got a say in everything, but for the most part, I did the majority of planning and heavy lifting.

CMGragain

Daughter and I relied on each other for planning her wedding, even though we were 2000 miles apart.  The internet is a wonderful tool to use!  Even grumpy DH admitted that the wedding was perfectly planned.

[Deleted User]

I am doing most of the wedding planning, at least initially. Basically I started picking things out (potential venues, caterers, etc.), and I sent them to FI for his approval. Then we booked meetings and signed contracts, etc. I think he is both overwhelmed by the idea of planning everything, and he doesn't care about all of the little details, so giving him limited options based on what I like has worked so far. For things that I know he will obsess about, it's the opposite. He's hobbyist photographer, and I knew he would be picky about our pictures, so he made a list of about 10 photogs and I organized them based on my preferences. 

My mom has also helped a bit with the planning, meaning she asks questions and listens to my ideas and gives feedback. I'm her only child, and she got real panicky when I started planning because she thought I was excluding her, so I've just been keeping her in the loop about everything now. 

I've just asked my best friend to be my MOH and I have a feeling she is going to want to be in the loop on a lot of the plans as well. I told her I just want her to have fun and enjoy herself, and that she doesn't need to do anything other than be there, but she already made a binder of ideas, so I'm not going to fight it. It's nice to have another perspective and I definitely value her opinion.

kaitlanmw

I'm just at the beginning of the planning process, but my FI and I have been doing most things together with little / no outside input.

My parents are paying for our venue (ceremony / reception are at the same place) so I made sure to bring my mother on a tour after we decided it was our favorite so she could approve (dad said as long as it's not over budget do what you want).

My BMs are all my super good friends, so I know they'll be involved. But I won't be RELYING on them for anything, of course.

jacques27

STARMOON44 said:

I don't really understand why you're planning a wedding to someone who has a brain injury and isn't capable of making and sticking to decisions and whom you seemingly can't tell "oh hey no, remember we already decided that? Too late to change our minds" and have him be fine with that. It sounds like you two have really serious communication issues that you need to worth through first.

Starmoon's comment might seem harsh on the surface, but truthfully, I'm wondering the same thing.  Surely, decision making will not end with this wedding.  You're in for a lifetime of decisions with someone who doesn't appear to be capable of making them (or remember making them - which makes me wonder if they are competent enough to enter a legal contract...like marriage). Or if it's the case that as his situation changes he also changes his mind, then maybe postponing until he's in a more stable place would be more appropriate than engaging in something that is clearly stressing both of you out.  If this person's neurological issues are that severe that you're not even able to make and keep simple decisions about said party, then maybe throwing a party isn't exactly in the cards for you right now.

themuffinman16

Myself, my, then FI, and the Knot, of course

AddieCake

jacques27 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't really understand why you're planning a wedding to someone who has a brain injury and isn't capable of making and sticking to decisions and whom you seemingly can't tell "oh hey no, remember we already decided that? Too late to change our minds" and have him be fine with that. It sounds like you two have really serious communication issues that you need to worth through first.

Starmoon's comment might seem harsh on the surface, but truthfully, I'm wondering the same thing.  Surely, decision making will not end with this wedding.  You're in for a lifetime of decisions with someone who doesn't appear to be capable of making them (or remember making them - which makes me wonder if they are competent enough to enter a legal contract...like marriage). Or if it's the case that as his situation changes he also changes his mind, then maybe postponing until he's in a more stable place would be more appropriate than engaging in something that is clearly stressing both of you out.  If this person's neurological issues are that severe that you're not even able to make and keep simple decisions about said party, then maybe throwing a party isn't exactly in the cards for you right now.

I somewhat agree with this. I think it's valid about him not sticking to decisions not stopping here. This is going to happen with other aspects of life, too. At the very least, I think you need to have a conversation that entails agreeing that once a decision has been made, (and not just about the wedding), that he can't keep continuing to change his mind as he heals and sees more clearly, or whatever the case is. Granted, everyone is free to change their minds about things, but you guys are going to need to establish some sort of strategy or rules about it given his condition I think. And yes, postponing for a bit might be a good idea.

MyNameIsNot

AddieCake said:

jacques27 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't really understand why you're planning a wedding to someone who has a brain injury and isn't capable of making and sticking to decisions and whom you seemingly can't tell "oh hey no, remember we already decided that? Too late to change our minds" and have him be fine with that. It sounds like you two have really serious communication issues that you need to worth through first.

Starmoon's comment might seem harsh on the surface, but truthfully, I'm wondering the same thing.  Surely, decision making will not end with this wedding.  You're in for a lifetime of decisions with someone who doesn't appear to be capable of making them (or remember making them - which makes me wonder if they are competent enough to enter a legal contract...like marriage). Or if it's the case that as his situation changes he also changes his mind, then maybe postponing until he's in a more stable place would be more appropriate than engaging in something that is clearly stressing both of you out.  If this person's neurological issues are that severe that you're not even able to make and keep simple decisions about said party, then maybe throwing a party isn't exactly in the cards for you right now.

I somewhat agree with this. I think it's valid about him not sticking to decisions not stopping here. This is going to happen with other aspects of life, too. At the very least, I think you need to have a conversation that entails agreeing that once a decision has been made, (and not just about the wedding), that he can't keep continuing to change his mind as he heals and sees more clearly, or whatever the case is. Granted, everyone is free to change their minds about things, but you guys are going to need to establish some sort of strategy or rules about it given his condition I think. And yes, postponing for a bit might be a good idea.

I just want to chime in and agree with all of this. If he lacks the mental capacity to make a decision and stick with it on something like guest list, how can he contribute as a partner? Is he going to make decisions with you on where to live, whether to have children, or how to arrange money and then just randomly decide not to stick with them? I don't see how you can build a life that way. How can you even be sure that he is making the commitment to you with sound mind?

OP, you mentioned in an earlier post that he is healing or improving. Why wouldn't you hold off on the wedding until he has healed?

nhultberg461

 

MyNameIsNot said:

AddieCake said:

jacques27 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't really understand why you're planning a wedding to someone who has a brain injury and isn't capable of making and sticking to decisions and whom you seemingly can't tell "oh hey no, remember we already decided that? Too late to change our minds" and have him be fine with that. It sounds like you two have really serious communication issues that you need to worth through first.

Starmoon's comment might seem harsh on the surface, but truthfully, I'm wondering the same thing.  Surely, decision making will not end with this wedding.  You're in for a lifetime of decisions with someone who doesn't appear to be capable of making them (or remember making them - which makes me wonder if they are competent enough to enter a legal contract...like marriage). Or if it's the case that as his situation changes he also changes his mind, then maybe postponing until he's in a more stable place would be more appropriate than engaging in something that is clearly stressing both of you out.  If this person's neurological issues are that severe that you're not even able to make and keep simple decisions about said party, then maybe throwing a party isn't exactly in the cards for you right now.

I somewhat agree with this. I think it's valid about him not sticking to decisions not stopping here. This is going to happen with other aspects of life, too. At the very least, I think you need to have a conversation that entails agreeing that once a decision has been made, (and not just about the wedding), that he can't keep continuing to change his mind as he heals and sees more clearly, or whatever the case is. Granted, everyone is free to change their minds about things, but you guys are going to need to establish some sort of strategy or rules about it given his condition I think. And yes, postponing for a bit might be a good idea.

I just want to chime in and agree with all of this. If he lacks the mental capacity to make a decision and stick with it on something like guest list, how can he contribute as a partner? Is he going to make decisions with you on where to live, whether to have children, or how to arrange money and then just randomly decide not to stick with them? I don't see how you can build a life that way. How can you even be sure that he is making the commitment to you with sound mind?

OP, you mentioned in an earlier post that he is healing or improving. Why wouldn't you hold off on the wedding until he has healed?

I originally choose not to comment, because honestly I was pissed at the comment, it was hard not to take it personally.

He is improving everyday. As he is back to work and around more people that weren't around in the last year, he wants to include them in our celebration. It's not that he is incapable of making decisions, he wants to add more and make sure we stay within our budget.

He is getting better and he may never be 100%, and that's fine with me. He continues to heal. The brain is a tricky thing. It takes time, it doesn't heal like a broken bone or even a heart attack. It has to re-grow and he works everyday at everything.  

ShesSoCold

nhultberg461 said:

 

MyNameIsNot said:

AddieCake said:

jacques27 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't really understand why you're planning a wedding to someone who has a brain injury and isn't capable of making and sticking to decisions and whom you seemingly can't tell "oh hey no, remember we already decided that? Too late to change our minds" and have him be fine with that. It sounds like you two have really serious communication issues that you need to worth through first.

Starmoon's comment might seem harsh on the surface, but truthfully, I'm wondering the same thing.  Surely, decision making will not end with this wedding.  You're in for a lifetime of decisions with someone who doesn't appear to be capable of making them (or remember making them - which makes me wonder if they are competent enough to enter a legal contract...like marriage). Or if it's the case that as his situation changes he also changes his mind, then maybe postponing until he's in a more stable place would be more appropriate than engaging in something that is clearly stressing both of you out.  If this person's neurological issues are that severe that you're not even able to make and keep simple decisions about said party, then maybe throwing a party isn't exactly in the cards for you right now.

I somewhat agree with this. I think it's valid about him not sticking to decisions not stopping here. This is going to happen with other aspects of life, too. At the very least, I think you need to have a conversation that entails agreeing that once a decision has been made, (and not just about the wedding), that he can't keep continuing to change his mind as he heals and sees more clearly, or whatever the case is. Granted, everyone is free to change their minds about things, but you guys are going to need to establish some sort of strategy or rules about it given his condition I think. And yes, postponing for a bit might be a good idea.

I just want to chime in and agree with all of this. If he lacks the mental capacity to make a decision and stick with it on something like guest list, how can he contribute as a partner? Is he going to make decisions with you on where to live, whether to have children, or how to arrange money and then just randomly decide not to stick with them? I don't see how you can build a life that way. How can you even be sure that he is making the commitment to you with sound mind?

OP, you mentioned in an earlier post that he is healing or improving. Why wouldn't you hold off on the wedding until he has healed?

I originally choose not to comment, because honestly I was pissed at the comment, it was hard not to take it personally.

He is improving everyday. As he is back to work and around more people that weren't around in the last year, he wants to include them in our celebration. It's not that he is incapable of making decisions, he wants to add more and make sure we stay within our budget.

He is getting better and he may never be 100%, and that's fine with me. He continues to heal. The brain is a tricky thing. It takes time, it doesn't heal like a broken bone or even a heart attack. It has to re-grow and he works everyday at everything.  

This is exactly the point though; why wouldn't you wait until he's more stable?

nhultberg461

ShesSoCold said:

nhultberg461 said:

 

MyNameIsNot said:

AddieCake said:

jacques27 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't really understand why you're planning a wedding to someone who has a brain injury and isn't capable of making and sticking to decisions and whom you seemingly can't tell "oh hey no, remember we already decided that? Too late to change our minds" and have him be fine with that. It sounds like you two have really serious communication issues that you need to worth through first.

Starmoon's comment might seem harsh on the surface, but truthfully, I'm wondering the same thing.  Surely, decision making will not end with this wedding.  You're in for a lifetime of decisions with someone who doesn't appear to be capable of making them (or remember making them - which makes me wonder if they are competent enough to enter a legal contract...like marriage). Or if it's the case that as his situation changes he also changes his mind, then maybe postponing until he's in a more stable place would be more appropriate than engaging in something that is clearly stressing both of you out.  If this person's neurological issues are that severe that you're not even able to make and keep simple decisions about said party, then maybe throwing a party isn't exactly in the cards for you right now.

I somewhat agree with this. I think it's valid about him not sticking to decisions not stopping here. This is going to happen with other aspects of life, too. At the very least, I think you need to have a conversation that entails agreeing that once a decision has been made, (and not just about the wedding), that he can't keep continuing to change his mind as he heals and sees more clearly, or whatever the case is. Granted, everyone is free to change their minds about things, but you guys are going to need to establish some sort of strategy or rules about it given his condition I think. And yes, postponing for a bit might be a good idea.

I just want to chime in and agree with all of this. If he lacks the mental capacity to make a decision and stick with it on something like guest list, how can he contribute as a partner? Is he going to make decisions with you on where to live, whether to have children, or how to arrange money and then just randomly decide not to stick with them? I don't see how you can build a life that way. How can you even be sure that he is making the commitment to you with sound mind?

OP, you mentioned in an earlier post that he is healing or improving. Why wouldn't you hold off on the wedding until he has healed?

I originally choose not to comment, because honestly I was pissed at the comment, it was hard not to take it personally.

He is improving everyday. As he is back to work and around more people that weren't around in the last year, he wants to include them in our celebration. It's not that he is incapable of making decisions, he wants to add more and make sure we stay within our budget.

He is getting better and he may never be 100%, and that's fine with me. He continues to heal. The brain is a tricky thing. It takes time, it doesn't heal like a broken bone or even a heart attack. It has to re-grow and he works everyday at everything.  

This is exactly the point though; why wouldn't you wait until he's more stable?

Because with aphasia he will always continue to heal. He asked me to marry him after he had his strokes, not before.

[Deleted User]

OP, I think your best course of action moving forward is to figure out a way for you and your FI to make decisions and plans and stick to them. PPs mentioned this, and I definitely agree with them. Like you said, your FI may never be the same, but you still love each other and want to get married. It sounds like his recovery is going well, if he is back to work, and that's awesome.

Come up with a system where the two of you can make decisions together, whether that means you make lists and let him pick, or whether you share spreadsheets or documents, or if you write things down. Make a place where you can put things that are "done and decided" and "in flux," so he knows where there is still wiggle room. I don't know exactly how he was affected, but it might even be helpful if there is a physical location for these docs (or however you choose to organize things). I'm thinking file holders or some type of organization system, so both of you can visually see your progress and tackle what needs to be done and decided on next. It might also be helpful to him if you can simply outline key points of your planning process, for example:

We decided the budget on "DATE". The budget is $0,000.

Our guest count is 00 as of "DATE". The venue capacity is 00.

That way he can reference it if he needs to. I'm just kind of going off of how I felt after my brain injury. My parents wrote everything down for me and kept it in my line of sight, so every time I woke up, I could read through the list rather than constantly bombarding them with the same questions. I think it helped them keep their sanity, too! It sounds like your FI is able to retain info, but having a concrete reference for your planning process might really help you both continue to plan.

ETF: Words

redheadbride15

I agree with @abcdevonn. I'm with you, OP. If you're confident that your FI is the love of your life then you should marry him and there is no need to postpone the wedding. However, you will find your marriage easier if you find the best strategies for dealing with his challenges. Based on your previous posts, I'm confident you're already working on this (by having more important/challenging conversations on his "good days", for example).

Also, loads of the "decisions" that go into wedding planning are totally inconsequential. In your first post you mentioned centerpieces and table settings. Frankly, the majority of grooms (mine included!) don't weigh in on these things regardless of their cognitive capacities. You need to agree on budget, guest list, location, and then ask him if there is anything else that he has a particularly strong opinion on. Focus on those conversations during his "good" days. Trust yourself to make the decisions on the smaller things. You'll be fine! Good luck and have fun!

STARMOON44

abcdevonn said:

OP, I think your best course of action moving forward is to figure out a way for you and your FI to make decisions and plans and stick to them. PPs mentioned this, and I definitely agree with them. Like you said, your FI may never be the same, but you still love each other and want to get married. It sounds like his recovery is going well, if he is back to work, and that's awesome.

Come up with a system where the two of you can make decisions together, whether that means you make lists and let him pick, or whether you share spreadsheets or documents, or if you write things down. Make a place where you can put things that are "done and decided" and "in flux," so he knows where there is still wiggle room. I don't know exactly how he was affected, but it might even be helpful if there is a physical location for these docs (or however you choose to organize things). I'm thinking file holders or some type of organization system, so both of you can visually see your progress and tackle what needs to be done and decided on next. It might also be helpful to him if you can simply outline key points of your planning process, for example:

We decided the budget on "DATE". The budget is $0,000.

Our guest count is 00 as of "DATE". The venue capacity is 00.

That way he can reference it if he needs to. I'm just kind of going off of how I felt after my brain injury. My parents wrote everything down for me and kept it in my line of sight, so every time I woke up, I could read through the list rather than constantly bombarding them with the same questions. I think it helped them keep their sanity, too! It sounds like your FI is able to retain info, but having a concrete reference for your planning process might really help you both continue to plan.

ETF: Words

Right. I don't mean never marry him at all. I mean don't get married until you have a system for collaborative decision making in place that doesn't leave you feeling like you don't have anyone to support you in planning your wedding and your life together.

CMGragain

Getting back to wedding planning, I planned our wedding without any help from FI.  He didn't care.  He wanted a traditional church ceremony, but otherwise, he just wanted to get married and get on with life.
My FMIL had many demands.  I tried to please her with my plans, but that proved to be impossible.  Ultimately, I made the decisions.