NWR: Etiquette behind baby showers

SP29

As I understand, etiquette would say that a baby shower is only appropriate for the first child. Correct me if I'm wrong!

Why?

I assume because baby items can be re-used, so parents don't need everything new again for each subsequent pregnancy.

I ask because a FB friend posted this question. She had a baby shower for her first child, but not second. Didn't think they'd have any more children, so she got rid of all her stuff. A few years later (now) she is pregnant again and has nothing, so she put out a post asking if it's OK if someone throws her another shower.

Personally, I'm fine with a baby shower for all babies. I think all babies should be celebrated But I'd like to have my etiquette facts straight.

I generally don't buy particularly large objects as a baby gift, unless it's a group item (in which case I would always ask the mother what she wants/needs). Most items I commonly see are clothes, books, toys, and supplies. Thus, clothes (and definitely supplies) for Baby A may not exist for Baby B. And I notice people tend to buy gender specific clothes/items when the gender is known, so if you have a girl the first time, why not another shower if the second is a boy?

ShesSoCold

Nope. Tacky. Buy your own shit. ETA -General you.

photokitty

We debate this every other month. Have you tried the search function?

Baby showers are for parents, that's why I'm team one shower. That and adults should buy things when they need them, not ask others or make a go fund me page. Why not just buy the stuff you want, why expect others to buy it for you?

SP29 said:

As I understand, etiquette would say that a baby shower is only appropriate for the first child. Correct me if I'm wrong!

Why?

I assume because baby items can be re-used, so parents don't need everything new again for each subsequent pregnancy.

I ask because a FB friend posted this question. She had a baby shower for her first child, but not second. Didn't think they'd have any more children, so she got rid of all her stuff. A few years later (now) she is pregnant again and has nothing, so she put out a post asking if it's OK if someone throws her another shower.

Personally, I'm fine with a baby shower for all babies. I think all babies should be celebrated But I'd like to have my etiquette facts straight.

I generally don't buy particularly large objects as a baby gift, unless it's a group item (in which case I would always ask the mother what she wants/needs). Most items I commonly see are clothes, books, toys, and supplies. Thus, clothes (and definitely supplies) for Baby A may not exist for Baby B. And I notice people tend to buy gender specific clothes/items when the gender is known, so if you have a girl the first time, why not another shower if the second is a boy?

SP29

Yes, there are pages of topics. Most with opinions or examples of "eck!".

I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.

Like I said, even for the first baby I wouldn't go out and buy the new parents to be a crib... they would get an outfit or two, or a book. Thus I don't see it as "I am buying you stuff you should be buying yourself". But at the same time, if child number 10 came around, I'd run out of "my favourite books" to buy. It doesn't bother me (because I'm not buying "you" a stroller anyway!), but I know that doesn't mean it's proper .

ETA: In the case of my FB friend, I'd be OK with her having a shower for her third child, but she would be getting some outfits or a book, not a stroller or crib or carrier (maybe a diaper bag if she was a really good friend), so I do think her question about having a shower "because she got rid of everything" is not appropriate and probably won't yield the results she's looking for.

photokitty

Posting on Facebook begging for people to not only validate this AND asking for someone to step up and offer to throw her one is rude as fuck. She is expecting gifts and outright asking for a party.

I'm sure when the offer of a shower doesn't magical appear, that go fund me page will. This is entitlement at its worst.

Viczaesar

SP29 said:

Yes, there are pages of topics. Most with opinions or examples of "eck!".

I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.

Like I said, even for the first baby I wouldn't go out and buy the new parents to be a crib... they would get an outfit or two, or a book. Thus I don't see it as "I am buying you stuff you should be buying yourself". But at the same time, if child number 10 came around, I'd run out of "my favourite books" to buy. It doesn't bother me (because I'm not buying "you" a stroller anyway!), but I know that doesn't mean it's proper .

ETA: In the case of my FB friend, I'd be OK with her having a shower for her third child, but she would be getting some outfits or a book, not a stroller or crib or carrier (maybe a diaper bag if she was a really good friend), so I do think her question about having a shower "because she got rid of everything" is not appropriate and probably won't yield the results she's looking for.

The purpose of a baby shower is not to welcome the baby, but rather to celebrate the transition of the parents into parenthood.  You give the parents gifts to help them with that transition.  Once they are already parents they have successfully completed that transition and are responsible for their own parenting, including outfitting any future children.

erinlin25

I typically don't side eye baby showers for baby #2, but I typically have seen showers for Baby #2 or #3 when its a different gender or spread out from baby #1.  I am all for celebrating my close friends and family no matter how many kids so it has not bothered me yet.  Baby #2/3 showers have been more low key in our circle.  Typically mom to be does not register and tends to get clothes or diaper gifts.  I like making diaper cakes so I actually get excited for baby showers, lol.     

MairePoppy

Your friend is asking for someone to throw a shower for her? That's realy pushy and rude. Whether it's a first, second or third baby, the parents are responsible for the baby's necessities. Your friend should figure out how to provide for her own baby. 

My third child was born seven years after the second. We had given all the baby items away, except for  the crib and a few sentimental items, so I've been there. A friend's friend was moving and wanted to sell her baby items. That's how the third baby's nursery got furnished. And you know what? The baby didn't care that his stuff didn't match. We received some baby gifts for #3 from close relatives because they were excited about having a new baby in the family, but there were no showers.

I suggest your friend spread the word that she would like to purhase second hand items.

STARMOON44

One baby shower. That's it.

MGP

I have a problem with showers after the first child because people have all sorts of opinions about who is "deserving" of a shower and who isn't. Common arguments include if the baby is the same gender as the first or how much of an age gap there is between children. I have a family friend who had a boy and got pregnant again about two years later. Her friends squeeed over the excitement and immediately offered to host a shower for her. When she found out she was having another boy the reneged on the offer, saying they were only interested in hosting a shower if she was having a girl so they could do frilly pink stuff. Pretty shitty friends if you ask me. 

Additionally there are these types of parents out there: 

1) former Bridezillas that expect subsequent showers and register for all new expensive items when they have perfectly acceptable things to reuse from the older kids because it is beneath them to - gasp - reuse things like an 18 month old crib. They also expect everyone to have the same level of excitement as the first and subject their friends and family to things like gender reveal parties and diaper raffles. 

2) people who have more children when they blatantly can't afford them (obviously the former brides that couldn't stick to their wedding budget) and expect the shower to cover any and all necessities for the baby. They also post passive aggressive messages on FB when there was a low turnout at the shower or when the registry wasn't completely fulfilled. 

Don't get me wrong, every child is a blessing that deserves to be celebrated. But that can be done without a shower. Luckily I am part of a pretty old school circle so it has never been an issue for us. I am firmly in Camp One Shower.  I am also in Camp Fund Your Own Life Choices. 

Heffalump

As with a lot of things, I think it depends.

Ex 1:  I chose not to have a shower for my second kid.  My two are 4 yrs apart, a girl and a boy, and I was able to reuse pretty much all of our baby gear from Kid 1 for Kid 2.  (Even some of the clothes, because we had some cute unisex stuff.)  I didn't make a big thing of it, it's just that anyone who would have thrown me a second shower knew my feelings.  People still sent baby gifts, of course.

Ex 2: My SIL is having her second any day now (maybe today!), 13 years after her first.  She's moved several times, all of the baby gear is long gone, and to top it off, Baby 2 is the first grandchild on her H's side of the family.  She had a shower and I didn't side eye it at all. It was out of state, so we weren't able to attend, but we sent a gift.

 

MGP said:

2) people who have more children when they blatantly can't afford them (obviously the former brides that couldn't stick to their wedding budget) and expect the shower to cover any and all necessities for the baby. They also post passive aggressive messages on FB when there was a low turnout at the shower or when the registry wasn't completely fulfilled. 

BOX!

This was other-SIL to a T.  FIL spent tens of thousands of dollars on her wedding, only to see get divorced 18 months later.  A couple of years later, she had a kid with an on-again, off-again  guy, and had a big shower.  Fine.  18 months after that, she was pregnant again by the same guy, and was peeved that no one threw her another shower.  So she posted on FB "I need to find out how to potty train fast, because this baby is coming in October and I can't afford diapers for two."  DH's jaw was on the floor after that, but it's pretty typical of her.

[Deleted User]

Eh usually one. I did throw a "sprinkle" for a close friend of mine however after 5 years of infertility they now have baby #2. It was low key no food, no games, a small cake and like 6 close friends. We all bought small gifts. Some would side eye but it's what we wanted to do for her Also it was a shock to her. She didn't know.

onefootinthebayou

If you want to see how obnoxious 2nd showers (same parental unit) or throwing your own shower, head over to TB and read some of the baby shower threads.  The entitlement is STRONG over there.  

My SIL has 3 kids.  She had one shower.  She has manners.  

MGP

Heffalump said:

As with a lot of things, I think it depends.

Ex 1:  I chose not to have a shower for my second kid.  My two are 4 yrs apart, a girl and a boy, and I was able to reuse pretty much all of our baby gear from Kid 1 for Kid 2.  (Even some of the clothes, because we had some cute unisex stuff.)  I didn't make a big thing of it, it's just that anyone who would have thrown me a second shower knew my feelings.  People still sent baby gifts, of course.

Ex 2: My SIL is having her second any day now (maybe today!), 13 years after her first.  She's moved several times, all of the baby gear is long gone, and to top it off, Baby 2 is the first grandchild on her H's side of the family.  She had a shower and I didn't side eye it at all. It was out of state, so we weren't able to attend, but we sent a gift.

 

MGP said:

2) people who have more children when they blatantly can't afford them (obviously the former brides that couldn't stick to their wedding budget) and expect the shower to cover any and all necessities for the baby. They also post passive aggressive messages on FB when there was a low turnout at the shower or when the registry wasn't completely fulfilled. 

BOX!

This was other-SIL to a T.  FIL spent tens of thousands of dollars on her wedding, only to see get divorced 18 months later.  A couple of years later, she had a kid with an on-again, off-again  guy, and had a big shower.  Fine.  18 months after that, she was pregnant again by the same guy, and was peeved that no one threw her another shower.  So she posted on FB "I need to find out how to potty train fast, because this baby is coming in October and I can't afford diapers for two."  DH's jaw was on the floor after that, but it's pretty typical of her.

Totally get where you are coming from. Seriously showers for subsequent babies are not the worst thing in the world and every baby should be celebrated. It's the judginess and inconsistency on who deserves one and who doesn't that bothers me. That's why I say keep it at one shower to welcome you to parenthood. Once you become a parent, that ship has sailed (and like I said I am happy to give you a cute baby gift but it's up to you to fund you own life choices).

I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter and am "one and done", but it's disheartening to me that people would judge my worthiness of a shower based on things that are out of my control. Having another girl would make me unworthy and a shower not necessary, but having a boy would? Having them a few years apart means I need to suck it up and reuse everything but having them ten years apart and getting rid of everything in between means someone can now throw a party in my honor and it's now socially acceptable?

With the variables, emotions and dynamics that come from having children from TTC, difficult pregnancies, loss, and infertility not to mention blending families from previous marriages/relationships I don't think it's anyone's business as to why, how, or when someone decides to add to their family and the decision to have a party should have NO bearing on that.

charcoalandblush

Viczaesar said:

SP29 said:

Yes, there are pages of topics. Most with opinions or examples of "eck!".

I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.

Like I said, even for the first baby I wouldn't go out and buy the new parents to be a crib... they would get an outfit or two, or a book. Thus I don't see it as "I am buying you stuff you should be buying yourself". But at the same time, if child number 10 came around, I'd run out of "my favourite books" to buy. It doesn't bother me (because I'm not buying "you" a stroller anyway!), but I know that doesn't mean it's proper .

ETA: In the case of my FB friend, I'd be OK with her having a shower for her third child, but she would be getting some outfits or a book, not a stroller or crib or carrier (maybe a diaper bag if she was a really good friend), so I do think her question about having a shower "because she got rid of everything" is not appropriate and probably won't yield the results she's looking for.

The purpose of a baby shower is not to welcome the baby, but rather to celebrate the transition of the parents into parenthood.  You give the parents gifts to help them with that transition.  Once they are already parents they have successfully completed that transition and are responsible for their own parenting, including outfitting any future children.

So just out of curiosity, what is the protocol when one parent is a new parent and the other has children from a previous relationship? For example, we had two friends who just had a baby. The mom has an 8ish year old son from a previous relationship. Married her now-H two years ago. Just had a baby girl this spring. Someone threw them a shower. I wasn't able to go, but I sent a gift. Is that shower kosher because dad is a first-time dad?

aliwis000

Viczaesar said:

SP29 said:

Yes, there are pages of topics. Most with opinions or examples of "eck!".

I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.

Like I said, even for the first baby I wouldn't go out and buy the new parents to be a crib... they would get an outfit or two, or a book. Thus I don't see it as "I am buying you stuff you should be buying yourself". But at the same time, if child number 10 came around, I'd run out of "my favourite books" to buy. It doesn't bother me (because I'm not buying "you" a stroller anyway!), but I know that doesn't mean it's proper .

ETA: In the case of my FB friend, I'd be OK with her having a shower for her third child, but she would be getting some outfits or a book, not a stroller or crib or carrier (maybe a diaper bag if she was a really good friend), so I do think her question about having a shower "because she got rid of everything" is not appropriate and probably won't yield the results she's looking for.

The purpose of a baby shower is not to welcome the baby, but rather to celebrate the transition of the parents into parenthood.  You give the parents gifts to help them with that transition.  Once they are already parents they have successfully completed that transition and are responsible for their own parenting, including outfitting any future children.

I agree with this.

I also agree that every child should be celebrated. However, celebrated does not have to mean shower and gifts. The parents could easily host a small gathering at their home to celebrate the new baby on the way. No gifts needed. I find showers for babies after the first one kinda gift grabby. Its not the party part I side eye...its the registering for gifts part.

climbingsingle

Showers for second, third, etc. kids are tacky. You get one shower for your first kid. That should be it. I will side-eye anything else. 

There are situations I side-eye less. For example, I had a friend that had a baby back in 2004. She split up with the dad. She got married to another guy and then got pregnant in 2012. It was the new husband's first baby, and the first grandchild. His family threw them a shower. Not really tacky if you ask me. 

MyNameIsNot

The point of the shower is not to celebrate the baby. It's to help set the new parent(s) up for becoming parents.

If you want to celebrate the new baby, send a gift/card/flowers when he/she is born, go meet the baby, attend whatever events that the couple will be at with the new baby, be at the first birthday, etc.

BTW, although most baby shower attendees don't get the most expensive things like strollers and cribs, they do generally get the durable things like baby bedding and room decor, bottles, diaper pails, nursing pillows, etc. Most parents will tell you not to get clothes as a shower gift. 

Jen4948

You can have a celebration of a birth and welcome the baby without a shower.

But showers are limited to the first child only.  Sorry, but showers for subsequent babies are tacky.

I think if one parent has previous children, then they do not get a shower for the first child with a new spouse.

[Deleted User]

I don't think I agree with the second shower if it's with different parents... So you don't think the new father should be celebrated? That's kind of like saying if someone was married before their soon to be new spouse shouldn't get a wedding shower because he had been married before or their wedding shouldn't be big because the other had been married before... Don't know what etiquette says on that but I don't think I agree it's tacky to have a second in those cases.

luckya23

Do the dads even go to baby showers?  There were definitely no men at my sister's shower, although it was kind of on the DL that my BIL is already a father.

MGP

You can split hairs all day long but bottom line is it's all judgy and someone ends up feeling "punished":

Bob's wife has a child from a previous marriage, but this is his first child.  So he doesn't deserve a shower because his wife is already a mother while his buddy whose wife doesn't have a child from a previous marriage gets welcomed to fatherhood with a shower?  Judgy.

Suzie had a girl three years ago and is having another girl.  So she doesn't deserve a shower because her body decided to make another girl but her best friend who had a girl three years ago and is now having a boy gets a shower because "she needs blue stuff"?  Judgy.  

Mary is expecting her third, has a boy and a girl, and has had her kids all three years apart.  So she doesn't deserve a shower because "she should have plenty of stuff to reuse and it's not that old", but her coworker who had her kids twelve years apart and got rid of everything gets a shower because "she actually needs stuff"?  Judgy.  

I am fine with any first time parent getting a shower - regardless if the partner is already a parent.  Beyond that there are just too many variables that end up in hurt feelings.  Babies deserve to be celebrated - gift away!  It just doesn't have to be a shower.

julieanne912

luckya23 said:

Do the dads even go to baby showers?  There were definitely no men at my sister's shower, although it was kind of on the DL that my BIL is already a father.

A lot of showers are couples showers these days.  Or, a friend of mine had a shower, and the guys were around for the first part (having some drinks etc.) then they all left to go to the bar while we did some games and the presents, then the guys came back.  However, this was a shower that started at 11am and ended at 9pm, so it was sort of just like an all day party.  

I'm co-hosting a book shower for my MOH here in a couple weeks.  The main host, her sister, has decided it will be a co-ed shower.  The baby was adopted so it's more of a "come meet the baby" thing versus a traditional shower.  

julieanne912

I threw a shower a couple years ago for a friend who was having an "oops" baby.  Her and her husband were separated (but apparently not THAT separated), but got back together to try to make it work (it didn't).  Money was a huge issue for her as her older children have a lot of medical problems so she wasn't able to work regularly.  She had long since sold all of her baby items to help pay bills.  I was happy to host the shower, and I asked her to create a registry of the things she needed the most.  There was only about 15 people, so it wasn't a huge event, and she got some of her big needs met (like carseat, swing, etc).  

So, I hate to say it, but it depends on the situation.  If it's some people who already have a couple kids, and aren't in need of help to buy their stuff, then I think it's sorta tacky.  A sprinkle, fine, but not a full on shower w/ registries and everything.  

Maggie0829

julieanne912 said:

luckya23 said:

Do the dads even go to baby showers?  There were definitely no men at my sister's shower, although it was kind of on the DL that my BIL is already a father.

A lot of showers are couples showers these days.  Or, a friend of mine had a shower, and the guys were around for the first part (having some drinks etc.) then they all left to go to the bar while we did some games and the presents, then the guys came back.  However, this was a shower that started at 11am and ended at 9pm, so it was sort of just like an all day party.  

I'm co-hosting a book shower for my MOH here in a couple weeks.  The main host, her sister, has decided it will be a co-ed shower.  The baby was adopted so it's more of a "come meet the baby" thing versus a traditional shower.  

I think that baby showers should always be co-ed, especially since the reason is to welcome these soon-to-be parents into the parenthood club.

And really I could say the same about bridal showers.  Change the name to wedding shower and make them co-ed.  Maybe this way all those ridiculous games disappear.

MGP

julieanne912 said:

I threw a shower a couple years ago for a friend who was having an "oops" baby.  Her and her husband were separated (but apparently not THAT separated), but got back together to try to make it work (it didn't).  Money was a huge issue for her as her older children have a lot of medical problems so she wasn't able to work regularly.  She had long since sold all of her baby items to help pay bills.  I was happy to host the shower, and I asked her to create a registry of the things she needed the most.  There was only about 15 people, so it wasn't a huge event, and she got some of her big needs met (like carseat, swing, etc).  

So, I hate to say it, but it depends on the situation.  If it's some people who already have a couple kids, and aren't in need of help to buy their stuff, then I think it's sorta tacky.  A sprinkle, fine, but not a full on shower w/ registries and everything.  

Sorry but there's the judginess I was talking about.  My husband makes plenty of money and I don't have to work (but do so because I love my job).  So if we decided to have more kids we wouldn't be deserving of a shower and would be side eyed to register for gifts because we are financially stable?  But it's acceptable for your friend to do so because she has money issues?  That judgment is tacky too.

charcoalandblush

luckya23 said:

Do the dads even go to baby showers?  There were definitely no men at my sister's shower, although it was kind of on the DL that my BIL is already a father.

In my circle it's about 50/50. We have a fair number of "couples" baby showers.

ohmrs2014

I'm a firm believer in one baby shower, which is why we registered for all gender neutral items, even the bigger ticket items.  We also haven't told anyone what we are having this way we don't get an over abundance of cutesy gender specific clothes and items. 

But I also feel like its a cultural thing as well.  DH is Hispanic and they celebrate every baby, which means baby showers for all pregnancies.  Whereas I was brought up in a culture where its only one baby shower.

I have heard of sprinkles for subsequent babies.  They are much smaller and you don't register for them.

Personally, there are a few instances where I wouldn't side-eye a second baby shower:

 - first time dad, even if mom has a child from a previous relationship.

 - when there is a huge age gap between the two

And that's it.

[Deleted User]

luckya23 said:

Do the dads even go to baby showers?  There were definitely no men at my sister's shower, although it was kind of on the DL that my BIL is already a father.

Yes.

climbingsingle

I've been to baby and bridal/wedding showers where men have attended. 

ohmrs2014

RachelLee83 said:

luckya23 said:

Do the dads even go to baby showers?  There were definitely no men at my sister's shower, although it was kind of on the DL that my BIL is already a father.

Yes.

Agree.  I have been to both where men were and weren't there.  DH will be at mine as he is helping the planners plan it apparently.  He is actually making the favors.  He is also inviting a few of his close friends, who were also in the bridal party because he views it as a celebration of both parents, not just myself.  The shower will be predominately women with a handful of men.

ETA:  DH was also at my bridal shower, as were two of his friends because their SO's travelled from out of town for it so they used it as an excuse to hang out while the women were at the bridal shower.  They hung out at the bar and they came into the private room for food.