Moms and Maids

Not involved soon to be mother in law. Gets gift or no?

So my soon to be mother in law is definitely not involved in anything at all wedding.  We are getting close and trying to narrow down who gets a gift and who doesn't.  Let me set you up so you understand my situation.  
I gave her a list of songs to choose her mother/son dance, she looked at it for maybe a second then sat it on the floor without saying anything.  OK guess you don't care.  She has not offered help to me or my mother.   We are doing this very traditional however the grooms side will not and does not want to help pay for rehearsal.  So in my eyes i really feel she does not deserve a gift.
What would you do?!?!?!?!
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Re: Not involved soon to be mother in law. Gets gift or no?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited August 2015
    Don't make this a tit-for-tat issue. Even though it sucks that your FMIL isn't showing interest in your plans or helping to host or pay for anything, she isn't obligated to do so.

    You're not required to give her a gift, but if you do so, it should be a gesture of love and respect for her, not a quid pro quo for her help or lack thereof. Whatever your decision, be respectful of your FMIL at all times and leave the question of what song she dances with your FI to up to them.
    [Deleted User]mrscomposerCMGragaincupcait927
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Those gifts that you give the parents aren't rewards for helping with the wedding. They are to let the parents know that you value your relationships with them. You should pick out gifts for your parents and he should pick out gifts for his. They should be of similar value.You may also write a thank you note to your parents for their help with the wedding and that should be given to them privately.

    Don't be tempted to embarass your FMIL, publicly, by not giving her a gift. If my daughter did that, I'd be embarrassed that she had such poor manners.
                       
    CMGragainBlue_BirdHeffalumplc07
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    PPs have it covered.  You sound very immature.  


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    CMGragain
  • Your FMIL is going to be in your life for a very long time.  I would advise you to ditch the petty attitude and do everything that you can to help her like you.  You are only hurting yourself by making trouble about something so insignificant.
    How old are you?
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    redoryxpinupbride6189
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    The gift is for being a parent, not for how much they pay for or participate in your wedding planning. Grow up. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    mrscomposer
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You don't give gifts to people because they did things for you. You give gifts to honor them and thank them for being a part of your day. This is your FI's mother - someone that will be in your life for most likely a very long time. It's up to you what kind of relationship you have with her. By all means, nitpick and be angry she didn't help. Let me know how that works out for you. 

    No one is required to help you plan your wedding. My MIL and mother didn't help. My husband and I did everything ourselves. And we still thanked our parents and gave them gifts, because we love them and wanted to honor them. 
  • So my soon to be mother in law is definitely not involved in anything at all wedding.  We are getting close and trying to narrow down who gets a gift and who doesn't.  Let me set you up so you understand my situation.  
    I gave her a list of songs to choose her mother/son dance, she looked at it for maybe a second then sat it on the floor without saying anything.  OK guess you don't care.  She has not offered help to me or my mother.   We are doing this very traditional however the grooms side will not and does not want to help pay for rehearsal.  So in my eyes i really feel she does not deserve a gift.
    What would you do?!?!?!?!

    You only had me by a thread then the "We are doing this very traditional however..." part ripped that right off.

    Sorry the only person responsible for paying for your life is you. The idea that you are not getting her a gift because she has not given you money is petty.

    You are not mature enough to get married.
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueens
  • So my soon to be mother in law is definitely not involved in anything at all wedding.  We are getting close and trying to narrow down who gets a gift and who doesn't.  Let me set you up so you understand my situation.  
    I gave her a list of songs to choose her mother/son dance, she looked at it for maybe a second then sat it on the floor without saying anything.  OK guess you don't care.  She has not offered help to me or my mother.   We are doing this very traditional however the grooms side will not and does not want to help pay for rehearsal.  So in my eyes i really feel she does not deserve a gift.
    What would you do?!?!?!?!
    No no no no no…..You do NOT do that. You've over stepped yourself by prying your way into a decision that should be an intimate one between your FI and his mother. You just do not do that! My FMIL even asked ME for ideas on songs for her and my FI to dance to, and I quickly took a step back with a "Nono, this is something very personal you and your son need to decide." 

    She probably doesn't like your attitude and approach to this wedding, especially if you've made any kind of inclination that they should be helping you pay for this wedding (which, as others have already said, they do not need to--pay for your own damn wedding). Gifts are to honor your parents for being good parents to you and raising you. Not as an exchange or a gauge for how much money they contributed to your wedding. Grow up!
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

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    TrixieJessMGP
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would really like to know why you gave her a list of songs to choose from. This is something that she should be discussing with her son. can you explain why you did that?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    MairePoppyOliveOilsMom
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes, regarding the song. Why do you think it's appropriate for you to choose the song she's going to dance with her son to? Talk about overstepping! 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Sweet Lord.  Do you have a sister marrying as well?  This same immature, petty, and disgusting attitude is playing out on the 40+ Bride board as well.

    What is wrong with people?
    ShesSoColdMairePoppy
  • Jenn101015Jenn101015 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited August 2015
    ok people, im not being petty, childish or any of that. and if i left it up to them, they just ignore and there would be no dance for them but i want to honor them with a dance. i did ask her if there were any songs she had in mind and she did not answer.  this was an honest not immature question that did not need such harsh judgement.  i AM getting people gifts out of love not due to the amount of money they paid.  i dont care about that.  and i have extended several olive branches to my FMIL. you do not know all of my details of my life.  I dont expect her to pay to help with the wedding but i was hoping that she would like to be involved with making decor, etc.  

    AGAIN, you jerks dont know me or my full situation so take you judgemental attitudes else where.

    Did you ever thing that i am trying to include her and maybe my feelings are hurt that i thought she would be more involved,  

    Also, the music list that i have and gave to her came from my DJ and it is a list of the top 50 mother/son dance songs, i didnt pull the list out of my ass.
  • ok people, im not being petty, childish or any of that. and if i left it up to them, they just ignore and there would be no dance for them but i want to honor them with a dance. i did ask her if there were any songs she had in mind and she did not answer.  this was an honest not immature question that did not need such harsh judgement.  i AM getting people gifts out of love not due to the amount of money they paid.  i dont care about that.  and i have extended several olive branches to my FMIL. you do not know all of my details of my life.  I dont expect her to pay to help with the wedding but i was hoping that she would like to be involved with making decor, etc.  

    AGAIN, you jerks dont know me or my full situation so take you judgemental attitudes else where.

    Did you ever thing that i am trying to include her and maybe my feelings are hurt that i thought she would be more involved,  

    Also, the music list that i have and gave to her came from my DJ and it is a list of the top 50 mother/son dance songs, i didnt pull the list out of my ass.

    Well, aren't you just a peach.  I can't see why she wouldn't just be chomping at the bit to help you!

    Regarding the bolded - did you ask them if they want to be "honored" with a dance?  Maybe she doesn't like dancing or dancing in front of people.  Maybe she doesn't like being the center of attention.  Maybe she thinks she'll be too emotional and doesn't want to do it.  Maybe if it were up to them there wouldn't be a dance because they don't want a dance.  Instead of forcing "honors" upon them because you want it, try asking them what they want, offer the option, and leave it at that.

    And maybe some people just aren't into wedding planning and she's one of those people.  Or she's not into the types of things you want her to be involved with - I personally could give f*** all about decor and music, but planning menus and cake and I'm there.  Or maybe she thinks that as the mother of the groom, she shouldn't be as involved and doesn't want to take away from your mother.  Or maybe she just doesn't really much care for you.  Who knows?  Has she always been standoffish with you?  If so, what would make you think that wedding planning would magically change that?  If she hasn't always been that way, then have you tried communicating with her to ask if anything is wrong or just generally try to engage with her about something not wedding related?

    And other PP's have it covered - the gift to the parents is to thank them for raising you and being a part of the day - it's not based on monetary gifts to your wedding or how much time they spend helping you plan your decor.

    AddieCake[Deleted User]CMGragainlc07
  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    ok people, im not being petty, childish or any of that. and if i left it up to them, they just ignore and there would be no dance for them but i want to honor them with a dance. i did ask her if there were any songs she had in mind and she did not answer.  this was an honest not immature question that did not need such harsh judgement.  i AM getting people gifts out of love not due to the amount of money they paid.  i dont care about that.  and i have extended several olive branches to my FMIL. you do not know all of my details of my life.  I dont expect her to pay to help with the wedding but i was hoping that she would like to be involved with making decor, etc.  

    AGAIN, you jerks dont know me or my full situation so take you judgemental attitudes else where.

    Did you ever thing that i am trying to include her and maybe my feelings are hurt that i thought she would be more involved,  

    Also, the music list that i have and gave to her came from my DJ and it is a list of the top 50 mother/son dance songs, i didnt pull the list out of my ass.
    Lovely

    image
    [Deleted User]OliveOilsMomHeffalump

  • ok people, im not being petty, childish or any of that. and if i left it up to them, they just ignore and there would be no dance for them but i want to honor them with a dance. i did ask her if there were any songs she had in mind and she did not answer.  this was an honest not immature question that did not need such harsh judgement.  i AM getting people gifts out of love not due to the amount of money they paid.  i dont care about that.  and i have extended several olive branches to my FMIL. you do not know all of my details of my life.  I dont expect her to pay to help with the wedding but i was hoping that she would like to be involved with making decor, etc.  

    AGAIN, you jerks dont know me or my full situation so take you judgemental attitudes else where.

    Did you ever thing that i am trying to include her and maybe my feelings are hurt that i thought she would be more involved,  

    Also, the music list that i have and gave to her came from my DJ and it is a list of the top 50 mother/son dance songs, i didnt pull the list out of my ass.
    Anyone else think she was stamping her foot on the ground while writing this?
    [Deleted User]CMGragain
  • Ya know, i wasnt stomping my foot as you say while writing this.  I felt attacked and i wanted to defend myself.  As for the people who actually gave good advice (which is what i thought these forums were for), I appreciate your advice and different senarios for how she may be feeling.  I probably should have taking a look back on how she was when her daughter got married a couple years ago.  She wasnt very involved at that time, so i should not expect anything less.  


  • aliwis000aliwis000 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2015
    Ya know, i wasnt stomping my foot as you say while writing this.  I felt attacked and i wanted to defend myself.  As for the people who actually gave good advice (which is what i thought these forums were for), I appreciate your advice and different senarios for how she may be feeling.  I probably should have taking a look back on how she was when her daughter got married a couple years ago.  She wasnt very involved at that time, so i should not expect anything less.  




    Stuck in box:

    You felt attacked? Wow.

    I read through all the posts. I did not feel anyone attacked you. Did people say you were being petty? Yes, but that is pretty true. Childish? Yeppers. Sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong? *Nods*

    Sorry just because people are telling stuff you do not want to hear does not mean they are attacking you.

    My advice? Do not go into any service/retail industry. They will eat you alive.

    [Deleted User]
  • I am still curious about how old you are.  You didn't answer that.
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  • edited August 2015

    So my soon to be mother in law is definitely not involved in anything at all wedding.  We are getting close and trying to narrow down who gets a gift and who doesn't.  Let me set you up so you understand my situation.  
    I gave her a list of songs to choose her mother/son dance, she looked at it for maybe a second then sat it on the floor without saying anything.  OK guess you don't care.  She has not offered help to me or my mother.   A. We are doing this very traditional however the grooms side will not and does not want to help pay for rehearsal.  So in my eyes i really feel she does not deserve a gift.
    B. What would you do?!?!?!?!
    A. You very blatantly state that because this is traditional but the groom's side does not want to help pay for the rehearsal, you feel "she does not deserve a gift". Did she raise the man you wish to marry? THAT is what the gift is for. Not a stupid rehearsal. That is YOUR responsibility until someone OFFERS to help.

    B. If you give any gifts to your parents, she should get an equal gift, or YOU will be the jerk. There are no extenuating circumstances.
    MGP
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    You don't care for your FMIL, that much is obvious, and okay.  I'm not in love with mine either.  Am I disappointed that she seems disinterested in our wedding (aside from dictating religion)?  Yes, but only because it visibly hurts FI's feelings.  

    Will she still be an honored guest at our wedding?  Absolutely!  She will host a table, she will have a corsage, and she will receive a gift at the RD.  She still isn't sure if she feels comfortable with the spotlight dance, so we told her - you can change your mind anytime you want.  The DJ will have the song FI picked out for you either way.

    Gift giving says more about the giver than the recipient.  What would your lack of gift/lack of thoughtful gift say to her?  Is that really how you want to start the first day as a member of her extended family?
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    lc07
  • His sister was pretty much the mother roll in his life until 12 then his mom moved him in with them with a bf and her bfs son beat on him as a child. and she just turned her head. So im sorry that she not my fav person its because of how my FI grew up,  luckily he has learned from her mistakes and does everything opposite she has down.  Yes she is being honored as far as being walked down to her seat, and all the other things that you do at wedding.  I do my best myself to call and include her in everything I can.  

    Maybe you'll get why shes not my fav person now maybe you wont there is more to the reasons why but its none of your business.  My age is non of your business and neither is my life.  I came on here to see if maybe someone had been in my situation, not to get picked on on my character.  If i wasn't a strong person, you woman would probably would have made me consider hurting myself.   So please let that marinate next time you decide to be rude and not considerate of someone else's feelings or situations, because every situation is different.

    Have a nice life. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2015
    His sister was pretty much the mother roll in his life until 12 then his mom moved him in with them with a bf and her bfs son beat on him as a child. and she just turned her head. So im sorry that she not my fav person its because of how my FI grew up,  luckily he has learned from her mistakes and does everything opposite she has down.  Yes she is being honored as far as being walked down to her seat, and all the other things that you do at wedding.  I do my best myself to call and include her in everything I can.  

    Maybe you'll get why shes not my fav person now maybe you wont there is more to the reasons why but its none of your business.  My age is non of your business and neither is my life.  I came on here to see if maybe someone had been in my situation, not to get picked on on my character.  If i wasn't a strong person, you woman would probably would have made me consider hurting myself.   So please let that marinate next time you decide to be rude and not considerate of someone else's feelings or situations, because every situation is different.

    Have a nice life. 
    Please.  This wasn't bullying in the slightest.  And none of those details matter.  What PPs said still stands.  Grow up.  



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