Moms and Maids

MIA MOB

helenasuehelenasue member
Third Anniversary 10 Comments
edited August 2015 in Moms and Maids
My mother and I aren't especially close; she has serious personality issues and lives two hours away. We don't really speak, but lately she's been texting to tell me that she loves me and misses me, so I thought it would be an olive branch gesture to include her in the wedding by asking her to come shop wedding dresses with me as mothers and daughters traditionally do, and she excitedly said yes. Up until now, she has had no involvement with the wedding.

When I sent her a text a week later to ask her when she could come to look at dresses soon, she said that she didn't want to drive up here anytime soon because she didn't want to leave her two dogs alone for the afternoon, had too many house repairs to deal with, was too stressed out, and because 'it might rain' (...?!). To me it just felt like a litany of bad excuses. 

She told me that if I wouldn't come to her town to shop she would 'maybe come sometime in the fall'. I explained that the dress I wanted to show her is here in Orlando and that I can't really wait that long, since ordering and alterations can be quite a process and all she wrote back was 'Wow, never had a wedding like that. Sorry can't make it'. 

Even though we're not that close, I was really surprised. She had told my aunt how excited she was that I'd asked her - so why would she flippantly say no once a two-hour drive was in the way? My cousin's mom flew to Tennessee to see her dress! Am I being a bridezilla about this? I'm so angry with her, but I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or if it's overly demanding of me to ask her to drive here soon to see the dress. At this point I'm so hurt that even if I could change her mind I don't know if I would even want her to come. 

She's been making occasional backhanded remarks about how I'm having an elegant wedding through the whole engagement like, "Oh, how much does THAT cost? It sounds expensive..." and "Good thing you two make so much money!". I think she's kind of jealous or annoyed because she and my father didn't really have a wedding; they just went to the courthouse. But still, I wish she could be excited for me instead of sulking and being surly that I'm getting what she wishes she had.

Thankfully my dad and stepmom and my fiancé's parents have been SO amazing and supportive through the entire process so far.

My financé's mom and sister and my stepmom all live in the same town as my mother, but they all enthusiastically offered to shop with me in her stead when I told them what had happened. Is it tactless of me to go where I want when I want with the people who are lovingly excited to make the effort, or should I hold to tradition and wait for 'maybe sometime in the fall' when she's willing to come?

Re: MIA MOB

  • Wedding dresses aren't going to change your relationship with her. It sounds like she's always been flakey and she's being flakey now. No surprise there.

    If I were you, I'd make an appointment and say "Hi Mom, I can't wait any longer to look at dresses. I made an appointment for (date) at (store name). Hope you can make it!" 

    If she shows, she shows. Just to prepare you, there's a strong possibility that she won't. Mentally prepare yourself for that.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm wondering if your mother has a phobia about driving. She was excited when you asked her to go dress shopping and backed away when she realized she'd have to drive to your town. Is there any chance that one of the other women might invite your mom to ride with her? 


                       
  • That's weird, right? But she has no issue with driving; she drives up to Tennessee to visit my family with no problems at all. 
  • Thanks for the advice -- you're totally right. Disordered personalities don't vanish because of weddings. I was hoping maybe we could have *something* normal between us for a special occasion, but I don't think it's a realistic thing to hope for. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    helenasue said:
    That's weird, right? But she has no issue with driving; she drives up to Tennessee to visit my family with no problems at all. 
    It seems like she's making up excuses with the dogs and rain and all that. You could let her know you've made the appointment at your shop and you hope she'll be able to come. Tell her she can bring your aunt with you so she'll have company on the road.

    If that's not the problem, then feel free to make your appointment and invite the other women who are interested.
                       
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    helenasue said:
    Thanks for the advice -- you're totally right. Disordered personalities don't vanish because of weddings. I was hoping maybe we could have *something* normal between us for a special occasion, but I don't think it's a realistic thing to hope for. 

    Just for future reference, use the Quote button when you are replying to a certain person on a post.  The Reply button doesn't function properly. 

    Stick around and post some more!  Maybe come over to Chit Chat and introduce yourself!

  • helenasue said:
    Thanks for the advice -- you're totally right. Disordered personalities don't vanish because of weddings. I was hoping maybe we could have *something* normal between us for a special occasion, but I don't think it's a realistic thing to hope for. 

    Just for future reference, use the Quote button when you are replying to a certain person on a post.  The Reply button doesn't function properly. 

    Stick around and post some more!  Maybe come over to Chit Chat and introduce yourself!


    Thanks for the tip! I will! :)
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm sorry to hear this.

    My relationship with my mom is similar-she gets excited when it's abstract, but if she's expected to do anything specific, it's never convenient for her and she's very nonchalant about saying so. She's also a very critical and snarky person and she doesn't respond to any kinds of cues about when to shut up. But I don't expect her to change at all for my wedding.

    The best thing to do is just issue whatever invitations you want to your mother, but don't be surprised if she doesn't accept any of them, no matter how stupid her excuses sound. Also, don't give her any ammunition for snarking about how "elegant" your wedding is or how unfamiliar she is with what you plan to do by giving her any details about your plans that she doesn't absolutely need to know.
  • Jen4948 said:
    I'm sorry to hear this. My relationship with my mom is similar-she gets excited when it's abstract, but if she's expected to do anything specific, it's never convenient for her and she's very nonchalant about saying so. She's also a very critical and snarky person and she doesn't respond to any kinds of cues about when to shut up. But I don't expect her to change at all for my wedding. The best thing to do is just issue whatever invitations you want to your mother, but don't be surprised if she doesn't accept any of them, no matter how stupid her excuses sound. Also, don't give her any ammunition for snarking about how "elegant" your wedding is or how unfamiliar she is with what you plan to do by giving her any details about your plans that she doesn't absolutely need to know.
    I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat with your mom. Thanks for the advice. I hope things go as smoothly for you as possible! :)
  • Maybe you could send her pictures of dresses you find.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited August 2015
    helenasue said:
    My mother and I aren't especially close; she has serious personality issues and lives two hours away. We don't really speak, but lately she's been texting to tell me that she loves me and misses me, so I thought it would be an olive branch gesture to include her in the wedding by asking her to come shop wedding dresses with me as mothers and daughters traditionally do, and she excitedly said yes. Up until now, she has had no involvement with the wedding.

    When I sent her a text a week later to ask her when she could come to look at dresses soon, she said that she didn't want to drive up here anytime soon because she didn't want to leave her two dogs alone for the afternoon, had too many house repairs to deal with, was too stressed out, and because 'it might rain' (...?!). To me it just felt like a litany of bad excuses. 

    She told me that if I wouldn't come to her town to shop she would 'maybe come sometime in the fall'. I explained that the dress I wanted to show her is here in Orlando and that I can't really wait that long, since ordering and alterations can be quite a process and all she wrote back was 'Wow, never had a wedding like that. Sorry can't make it'. 

    Even though we're not that close, I was really surprised. She had told my aunt how excited she was that I'd asked her - so why would she flippantly say no once a two-hour drive was in the way? My cousin's mom flew to Tennessee to see her dress! Am I being a bridezilla about this? I'm so angry with her, but I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or if it's overly demanding of me to ask her to drive here soon to see the dress. At this point I'm so hurt that even if I could change her mind I don't know if I would even want her to come. 

    She's been making occasional backhanded remarks about how I'm having an elegant wedding through the whole engagement like, "Oh, how much does THAT cost? It sounds expensive..." and "Good thing you two make so much money!". I think she's kind of jealous or annoyed because she and my father didn't really have a wedding; they just went to the courthouse. But still, I wish she could be excited for me instead of sulking and being surly that I'm getting what she wishes she had.

    Thankfully my dad and stepmom and my fiancé's parents have been SO amazing and supportive through the entire process so far.

    My financé's mom and sister and my stepmom all live in the same town as my mother, but they all enthusiastically offered to shop with me in her stead when I told them what had happened. Is it tactless of me to go where I want when I want with the people who are lovingly excited to make the effort, or should I hold to tradition and wait for 'maybe sometime in the fall' when she's willing to come?
    I think you will find that many ladies who have been divorced are uncomfortable around happy wedding planers.  Maybe she just doesn't want to rain on your parade? 
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • I don't think you're being a bridezilla, but I do think you need to stop trying to connect with your mom through your wedding. Planning a wedding is a busy and often emotional process, and trying to rebuild a relationship at the same time, especially with a parent, is only going to add stress for you. Stop talking to your mom about wedding details and just enjoy planning with those who want to be involved.
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Take away the dress shopping and replace it with something else...new house, holiday dinner, etc would your feelings be hurt if your mom RSVPed yes excitedly and then changed her mind?  Yes, you would be, that's why you're not a bridezilla!
    image
    JediElizabeth
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