S/O: Kids And Priorities

Liatris2010

I don't have kids. The child-centric worldview that many people seem to think is a requirement for being a good parent is a major turn off to me. I don't want my whole world to revolve around any single thing, whether it is a kid, my husband, a career, or hobby.

There is no one right way to love your family, and people who assert otherwise seem judgmental and insecure.

WinstonsGirl

lyndausvi said:

The thing about kids vs spouse it's tends to be an Ebb and Flo type thing. When the kid is young you have no choice to take care of them more than your spouse. You are the protector.  You might even love them more during that time. 

 However, once they hit a certain age the kids are on their own.  They leave the nest, get married, start having their own kids.   Then it's just you and your spouse left.   There needs to be a balance between the 2.    If you devote everything to the kid and put your spouse last for 18 years you might lose your spouse.  

My sister and her husband have always had a good balance.  Sure back when the kids were small it was all about them, but they made sure they had date nights once a month.   They would go away for a day or 2 just the two them.   Now the kids are older and driving, they do dates nights all the time.    They still like each other.   That is because they treated marriage and parenting equally, even though at times life was more about the kids.

As far as saving the kid, as a society we all tend to save a kid before an adult anyway.   Regardless if it's your kid or someone else's.  It's just what we tend to do.

And this is such a European/Western view too.  Not that it's wrong, but other cultures see things differently.  For example, I've heard an Asian saying (proverb??) about if your spouse, your child and your Mother were all drowning, who would you save.  European/western views say save the child.  Asian views say save the Mother.  You can always marry again, you can always have more children, but you can never replace your Mother.  I'm not arguing for or against either argument, but the view above is definitely a Western culture view and shows what we value as a society.  It doesn't surprise me then that people were in an uproar over someone saying they wouldn't put their kid first.  

Bubblegum5586

I didn't read all these so sorry if I am repeating anything...

I once read that the 3 most important relationships in your life (and in this order) are;

God (or your spirituality) 

Spouse

Children

Now I am not the most religious person by any means but I see where this is coming from. Without your relationship with God you can't be the best wife for your husband and without God and your husband you can't be the best mom for your children.

I don't feel like i explained that as well as I read it once... hope it makes sense. 

luckya23

Bubblegum5586 said:

I didn't read all these so sorry if I am repeating anything...

I once read that the 3 most important relationships in your life (and in this order) are;

God (or your spirituality) 

Spouse

Children

Now I am not the most religious person by any means but I see where this is coming from. Without your relationship with God you can't be the best wife for your husband and without God and your husband you can't be the best mom for your children.

I don't feel like i explained that as well as I read it once... hope it makes sense. 

And then where does that leave those of us that don't believe in God?

ETA:  I get the concept of this in a more traditional worldview sort of way, but when I think about all of the step families and putting the NEW spouse above the OLD children, it feels weird.

Liatris2010

luckya23 said:

Bubblegum5586 said:

I didn't read all these so sorry if I am repeating anything...

I once read that the 3 most important relationships in your life (and in this order) are;

God (or your spirituality) 

Spouse

Children

Now I am not the most religious person by any means but I see where this is coming from. Without your relationship with God you can't be the best wife for your husband and without God and your husband you can't be the best mom for your children.

I don't feel like i explained that as well as I read it once... hope it makes sense. 

And then where does that leave those of us that don't believe in God?

Giant heathen orgy?

banana468

luckya23 said:

Bubblegum5586 said:

I didn't read all these so sorry if I am repeating anything...

I once read that the 3 most important relationships in your life (and in this order) are;

God (or your spirituality) 

Spouse

Children

Now I am not the most religious person by any means but I see where this is coming from. Without your relationship with God you can't be the best wife for your husband and without God and your husband you can't be the best mom for your children.

I don't feel like i explained that as well as I read it once... hope it makes sense. 

And then where does that leave those of us that don't believe in God?

ETA:  I get the concept of this in a more traditional worldview sort of way, but when I think about all of the step families and putting the NEW spouse above the OLD children, it feels weird.

I think it depends on how you do things.   I think your partner needs to be first.   That means that you shouldn't pick sides and yell at your partner for how he/she reacted to your child.   You can disagree later but you handle kids on a united front.  You may need to say to your child that the desire for a new X box system, tablet or whatever isn't happening and your spouse can get the thing he's wanting.   That's OK.

It isn't OK to ignore your kids or make them feel like second class.   It's all in how the situation is handled. 

kmmssg

I honestly think that my love for our kids and my love for my husband are both all consuming kinds of love that are different but equal if that makes any sense.

If I had to choose between saving my husband and saving our son, it would be our son hands down.  He has his whole life in front of him - we have already walked many of those paths and lived enough life to find each other and have a family.  TBH - I would never forgive DH if he chose to save me over saving our son. 

Now, to complicate matters, we are a blended family and I have the 2 oldest girls and he has the 2 youngest.  If I had to choose one of the 6 of them (incl DH) I'm not sure what I would do  but most likely it would be my son.  That comes from my faith - not preaching to anyone else, just the choice I would make.  Of the 5 kids, 3 are Christian, 1 is Pagan, 1 is Agnostic.  DH and I are Christian.  The 4 Christians would be on their own as we all feel confident where we are going.  That leaves me with Pagan SDD and Agnostic DS.  I love SDD with my entire heart, she and I are very very good special friends. But...DS is mine and I wouldn't let him go without another chance at relooking his faith.  What he does with that is up to him but if I had to choose between the kid who believes she is going to Heaven and is a Christian, and the kid who is agnostic and doesn't have a relatioship with Christ, it will be the Agnostic kid. He may always decide he doesn't believe in God, but at least he had one more chance to be sure of his decision.

@LyndaUSVI said, " However, once they hit a certain age the kids are on their own. They leave the nest, get married, start having their own kids. Then it's just you and your spouse left. There needs to be a balance between the 2. If you devote everything to the kid and put your spouse last for 18 years you might lose your spouse."

DH and I are on exactly day two of the last kid leaving the nest.  It is just him and me for the first time in the almost 24 years we have been together.  It is already wierd - not in a bad way, just in an unfamiliar way.  Hell, I can walk naked to the kitchen for coffee now if I want to.  That's wierd.  (and I do miss DS and his sense of humor, but he will be home for the holidays).

Again, no proselytizing in my post, just what I would do and why. 

 

[Deleted User]

No kids, but I ditto what PPs have said about the importance of balancing a relationship with your spouse and kids. 

To offer an adult view from the perspective of the cherished child:

I am an only child. My parents didn't want kids, but once my mother found out she was pregnant she decided to devote EVERYTHING to being a mom. And I mean everything. Eventually she went back to work so we could afford more, but she never stopped making it clear that I was most important. Looking at it now, I know for a fact that my parents had/have an unhealthy relationship, because my mom made me the absolute top priority ALWAYS. They are still together, but distant. They go out together and have fun, and I definitely think things have gotten better since I've almost fully moved out, but while I was living there full time, things were always very tense with them. My dad...I know he loved me, but I think for a while, when I was younger, he felt bitter toward me. Probably because my mom only wanted to spend time with me. 

Also, making me always #1 made it really difficult for them to handle me growing up and wanting more independence. I missed out on a lot of things always trying to appease them, because it was very obvious that I was literally their whole life and I felt guilty about it. I would make up excuses for why I couldn't hang out with my friends just so I could stay home and entertain them. It made me the constant center of attention, and put me under a ton of pressure to be "perfect" because of all the sacrifices they made.  I even feel guilty about moving out and getting married! Sometimes I wish they had a bit more of that "get out and let us have our own time" feeling, so I didn't feel like I was betraying them by growing up.

Yeah, it was great always feeling loved and important, but I also watched what it did to their relationship. I'm old enough now to understand it, and I've promised myself I won't do that to my relationship with FI if we ever have kids.