Etiquette

Rehearsal Dinner/Post Wedding Brunch Invites

Hi All,

I'm asking this question as a wedding guest, but I'm also currently planning my own wedding so your answers will be helpful for both :) I'm new to all this so please bear with me...

A little background...My fiancé is a groomsmen in a wedding we are attending next month (he found out just last week). I have never met the couple since they live on the other side of the country. The wedding invitations went out very early and I believe we were either not yet engaged, but living together or very newly engaged (not sure if that will matter for the rest). We sent our RSVP for two back to the couple in July. He found out last week he was a member of the bridal party and asked for details on rehearsal ceremony/dinner. The groom did not have any yet. Yesterday, he received an invitation to the post wedding brunch. It was only addressed to him.

My question is...do SO of bridal party members attend these events (rehearsal/dinner and brunch) and is it customary to include both on invitations? Implied invitations don't sit well with me. I was brought up in a family where, if you did not have a formal invite or at the very least a verbal from the host directly, you did not attend. I don't want to show up to these events and not be expected and I also don't want to slight our bridal party when it comes time to do these things for our wedding.

Thanks!!

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Re: Rehearsal Dinner/Post Wedding Brunch Invites

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    Why did he only find out last week? And what do you mean he "found out"? He wasn't asked? He was voluntold? And yes, both should be listed on the invitation and invited to the rehearsal and dinner.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Correct. He never received any formal request to be a member of the bridal party until he received a text message to choose an entrance song and followed up with "Am I a groomsmen?" There have been a few red flags for me as to etiquette issues and/or lack of clear communication and  I want avoid these for our wedding. This one seems like a no brainer to me but everyone on here seems to know so much more than I do at this stage. 

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  • arrrghmateyarrrghmatey
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    member
    edited August 2015
    Yes, SO's need to be invited to the Rehearsal Dinner and Brunch. It is very rude of the Bride and Groom to expect others, especially those in their bridal party, to celebrate their wedding and wedding activities while snubbing the relationships of others. Your FI needs to ask the Groom about your invitation.

    And I'm also curious as to the "found out last month" situation….?

    Edited: Because my question above was answered above as I was writing the post. This Bride and Groom do not seem to have a firm grasp on what's going on or etiquette….
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

                                                   image
    InLoveInQueens
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    yes SO's should be invited to the RD.   What, is the WP member suppose to go out and leave their SO at the hotel to fend for themselves?   How rude.


    Sounds like this wedding weekend will be interesting.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • @arrrghmatey...it wasn't even last month. It was this past Friday! I don't know about it either. The problem I think is that communication has been through text and facebook. Never a good thing.
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  • Thank you all! You're confirming exactly what my instincts were telling me. But it's greatly appreciated.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • Hi All,

    I'm asking this question as a wedding guest, but I'm also currently planning my own wedding so your answers will be helpful for both :) I'm new to all this so please bear with me...

    A little background...My fiancé is a groomsmen in a wedding we are attending next month (he found out just last week). I have never met the couple since they live on the other side of the country. The wedding invitations went out very early and I believe we were either not yet engaged, but living together or very newly engaged (not sure if that will matter for the rest). We sent our RSVP for two back to the couple in July. He found out last week he was a member of the bridal party and asked for details on rehearsal ceremony/dinner. The groom did not have any yet. Yesterday, he received an invitation to the post wedding brunch. It was only addressed to him.

    My question is...do SO of bridal party members attend these events (rehearsal/dinner and brunch) and is it customary to include both on invitations? Implied invitations don't sit well with me. I was brought up in a family where, if you did not have a formal invite or at the very least a verbal from the host directly, you did not attend. I don't want to show up to these events and not be expected and I also don't want to slight our bridal party when it comes time to do these things for our wedding.

    Thanks!!

    Your FI should decline the brunch.  If he is asked why, he should answer that he doesn't feel comfortable attending a brunch and leaving you to fend for yourself.  They might say that of course you're welcome to attend the brunch as well.  They might say that of course you can attend the brunch, it only costs $30 a person, but he can sit with you.  They might say, bummer.

    If he's newly a groomsman, they probably didn't ask him for his budget, did they?  How much does he have to spend on this etiquette freak show?
    InLoveInQueens
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    Does he even WANT to be a groomsman? This is so fucked up.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    Maggie0829Heffalumpspeakeasy14TheDeathLlama
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    Hi All,

    I'm asking this question as a wedding guest, but I'm also currently planning my own wedding so your answers will be helpful for both :) I'm new to all this so please bear with me...

    A little background...My fiancé is a groomsmen in a wedding we are attending next month (he found out just last week). I have never met the couple since they live on the other side of the country. The wedding invitations went out very early and I believe we were either not yet engaged, but living together or very newly engaged (not sure if that will matter for the rest). We sent our RSVP for two back to the couple in July. He found out last week he was a member of the bridal party and asked for details on rehearsal ceremony/dinner. The groom did not have any yet. Yesterday, he received an invitation to the post wedding brunch. It was only addressed to him.

    My question is...do SO of bridal party members attend these events (rehearsal/dinner and brunch) and is it customary to include both on invitations? Implied invitations don't sit well with me. I was brought up in a family where, if you did not have a formal invite or at the very least a verbal from the host directly, you did not attend. I don't want to show up to these events and not be expected and I also don't want to slight our bridal party when it comes time to do these things for our wedding.

    Thanks!!

    It sounds as if your FI could possibly be a "replacement" groomsman. 

    You sent your RSVP to the wedding two weeks ago.  Were you named on that invitation?  If you weren't, I would wonder why your FI even accepted this role, or the invitation.

    As others have said, SO's should be included in rehearsal dinners and post wedding invitations.  For your own FYI, SO's are anyone in a relationship, regardless of length of relationship.  If a guest is truly single, you are not obligated to offer them a "plus 1".  If your budget and venue capacity allows it, doing so is a nice gesture.

    Since you are concerned about your own wedding party, I will add this caveat as well.  Old school "head tables" that force your bridal party members to sit separate from their SO's is inconsiderate.  When making seating arrangements, please keep this in mind for your wedding party. 
  • ^^^^What they said. This makes my head hurt.

    Go to this wedding and take notes on WHAT NOT TO DO. Also post pics, because I feel a train wreck coming on and some days we get bored around here.
    adk19thefanciestbecklerKeyToHisHeart2017
  • I agree with what previous posters said with one added item. A rehearsal (and subsequent dinner) is not required, so if the B&G didn't send an invite for that, it could be they're not having one.
  • @snowywinter thanks for adding that. I didn't think of that.

    @MobKaz Thanks for that. I saw some others give that advice on other posts so I have been thinking that I would do a head table with ourselves and our parents rather than separate our bridal party for their SO/+1's. 

    I was NOT named on the wedding invitation or brunch invitation. The wedding invitation was post marked back in March. We had been engaged for a month at that point. My fiancé is so "go with the flow" I don't think he would even think of declining the role. I also don't think he realizes this is an issue, though I have expressed that it makes me feel slighted. Thankfully, I can now educate him too. I'm not sure if he is a replacement, or like other things in this wedding, it was implied from the get-go that he was a groomsmen and only made clear last week when he asked the question. The response was almost like "uhh duh". 


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  • Is it possible that you're invited and they just don't know how to address an envelope? 
  • @banana468 yes, it is. I've asked my fiancé to follow up on that but I don't want to assume. I also was looking for an etiquette lesson for my own reference...so this is like a two birds, one stone question.
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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    This is just so weird. Please update us with some good stories after the wedding takes place.

  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    So what it sounds like, is go this wedding and pretty much do the exact opposite for your own ;). Sounds like a big etiquette blunder. And poor communication. I foresee something bad happening at the wedding that the B or G is likely to blame on someone else when it was actually the result of their own poor planning and communication...

    Yes, SOs must always be included along with the invited guest to ANY social event, doesn't matter if the guest is in the WP or not.

    Because you asked... SOs should also be invited by name. It was rude that you were not invited by name on either invitation.

    And, a guest with a SO is anyone whom considers them self in a relationship. It doesn't matter if two people are engaged or not, living together, only been dating for 2 weeks, etc- if two people present themselves socially as a couple, then they must be invited to social events together. (So it doesn't matter if you had been engaged for a month, even if you weren't, you still should have been invited by name on the original invitation).

    A plus one, or "and guest" is given to a guest who is truly single, and it allows them to bring *anyone* they want- their mom, sibling, random date, best friend from college, etc. So not only is it rude to refer to someone's SO as a plus one, or invite them as "and guest", it can also create problems for the B&G, as if the SO can't come, the guest could substitute anyone in this place, when likely the B&G only meant to invite the SO.

  • SP29 said:
    So what it sounds like, is go this wedding and pretty much do the exact opposite for your own ;). Sounds like a big etiquette blunder. And poor communication. I foresee something bad happening at the wedding that the B or G is likely to blame on someone else when it was actually the result of their own poor planning and communication...

    Yes, SOs must always be included along with the invited guest to ANY social event, doesn't matter if the guest is in the WP or not.

    Because you asked... SOs should also be invited by name. It was rude that you were not invited by name on either invitation.

    And, a guest with a SO is anyone whom considers them self in a relationship. It doesn't matter if two people are engaged or not, living together, only been dating for 2 weeks, etc- if two people present themselves socially as a couple, then they must be invited to social events together. (So it doesn't matter if you had been engaged for a month, even if you weren't, you still should have been invited by name on the original invitation).

    A plus one, or "and guest" is given to a guest who is truly single, and it allows them to bring *anyone* they want- their mom, sibling, random date, best friend from college, etc. So not only is it rude to refer to someone's SO as a plus one, or invite them as "and guest", it can also create problems for the B&G, as if the SO can't come, the guest could substitute anyone in this place, when likely the B&G only meant to invite the SO.


    Thank you for this!!! This is a fabulous explanation that I will definitely refer to :)

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  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    ^^^^What they said. This makes my head hurt.

    Go to this wedding and take notes on WHAT NOT TO DO. Also post pics, because I feel a train wreck coming on and some days we get bored around here.
    Unfortunately, @katalinamarie is not yet even sure she is invited to this wedding, as her name was omitted from the wedding invitation as well. Obviously, @katalinamarie's FI needs to follow up on this ASAP. I am crossing my fingers that IF, for whatever ridiculous reason, she is indeed NOT invited to the wedding, FI knows exactly what he should and NEEDS to do.
    InLoveInQueensMGP
  • MGPMGP
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited August 2015

    Correct. He never received any formal request to be a member of the bridal party until he received a text message to choose an entrance song and followed up with "Am I a groomsmen?" There have been a few red flags for me as to etiquette issues and/or lack of clear communication and  I want avoid these for our wedding. This one seems like a no brainer to me but everyone on here seems to know so much more than I do at this stage. 


    Agree with everything that has been said above, and I have to ask: why is your fiancé being asked to choose an entrance song? Is this one of those weddings where each wedding party member has to dance down the aisle to the song of their choice? Because if so that is usually followed by a choreographed dance at the reception. Just tell him to be prepared. :) 

     Also I like your attitude. Please stick around!
    SP29
  • @MGP HAHA! I don't think they are dancing down they aisle. I think it's for a "grand entrance" at the reception. Secretly, a small part of me hopes that there is a choreographed reception dance, now that you mention it, because watching him have to learn choreography would bring so much entertainment to my life in the coming weeks! But it would probably not be very loving of me to find humor in his lack of coordination! :) And thank you. I've been reading these boards a lot since we got engaged and there is a lot of useful knowledge and information on here.

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    MGP
  • Of course SOs should be invited to the rehearsal dinner!!!

    I thought everyone should be invited to the post wedding brunch???  Even if they are travelling early and don't want to attend surely they should still have the courtesy of an invite?  Correct me if I'm wrong?


  • Of course SOs should be invited to the rehearsal dinner!!!

    I thought everyone should be invited to the post wedding brunch???  Even if they are travelling early and don't want to attend surely they should still have the courtesy of an invite?  Correct me if I'm wrong?


    It depends on the type of post wedding brunch.  Is it... 1. We're having bagels and pastries at bride's parents' house in the morning.  Stop by on your way out of town. 2. Newlyweds are having brunch at X location.  They'd love to see you if you want to say hello or get breakfast for yourself.  3. You are invited to a brunch hosted by X.  Please join us at X location at X time.  

    Everyone should get "invited" to number 2, but the two 'hosted' events can have their own guest list as determined by the host.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Of course SOs should be invited to the rehearsal dinner!!!

    I thought everyone should be invited to the post wedding brunch???  Even if they are travelling early and don't want to attend surely they should still have the courtesy of an invite?  Correct me if I'm wrong?

    Well, if they're out-of-towners, I would invite them, but if they're local guests, for me it really depends on a number of things.  I might invite them if they're family members, but not guests I'm not as close to.

  • It's a #3 brunch.
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  • It's a #3 brunch.
    Then, no, not everyone needs to be invited.  It could be hosted by the bride's parents for only the bride's extended family, or the groom's parents for just the groom's extended family and friends, or it could be hosted by the newlyweds for only  the people they wanted to invite.  It's not cheap to pay for brunch for people.  It's like a second reception, so the hosts get to decide who they want to host.  But everyone who is invited should be invited with their significant other.  It's incredibly rude to expect half of a pair to fend for themselves for a meal like this.
  • I believe it is being hosted by one of the sets of parents. The RSVP is going back to a mom. I can't recall off the top of my head whether it's the B's or G's mother.

     

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  • Did your FI add your name to the RSVP for the wedding? It sounds like this couple may be ignorant of how to invite people properly rather than excluding you on purpose, but the result is the same: offensive!

    As others have advised, have your FI contact the hosts as soon as possible to confirm you're invited to both the wedding and the brunch. And cross your fingers & hope there won't be a head table at the reception :S

  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member

    Thanks, everyone! I took all of your advice had firmly requested that my fiancé follow up on this and ensure that I am invited to all the various events. And yes, I am. It seems like the couple left a lot of the inviting to other family members, leading to some of the issues. But it's sorted out for now...All I have to worry about is the possibility of the dreaded head table, as a few pointed out :-/ 

    Glad to hear!

    I do hope these people are just really flaky, and not so much etiquette challenged. For example, I was invited to go bridesmaid dress shopping by someone who had not asked me to be a bridesmaid up to that point (we had about 8 months, so no worries). I wrote her back and asked, "Um, am I a bridesmaid?" and she called, laughing, saying, "You mean I forgot to ask you!?!? Whoops!"  She's not rude, she's just... laissez faire. LOL.  I'm not entirely surprised a groom might forget to actually ask his friends to be groomsmen, especially if you received a "duh" response about it. 
    ________________________________


    SoldiersMom
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