What To Do When a Friend Loses a Spouse

loveislouder

I'm going preface this by saying I'm sorry I haven't given an update about H since his attempt. He's still with us, for now. We're being extra careful and trying to get him the help he needs.  But this thread is for my friend.

My photographer and I got along so well, we became friends. She's an amazing young lady. She met a man when we were at our second location. His name was Braeden, and he took her breath away.  One short month later they were married. Fast forward to August, and he was off to Asia for some sort of Mission trip. He told her he loved her, he would miss her and he'd see her in 6 short months.

She called me an hour ago. He's dead.  He got hit by a truck in Asia a week ago but no one knew who to call. She was at the airport with his mom and they were going to bring him home.

What do I do? What can I do.

I'm sorry to be the Debbie-Downer of TK lately. Everything is happening all at once and at 24, I didn't think I'd have to deal with my friends losing their spouses.

Fellow Knotties, what do I do?

southernbelle0915

Yikes.... I'm so sorry. How tragic that no one notified her right away!

If it were me, I'd probably send flowers and a card. Then I'd make her some frozen meals and deliver them. Ask if she needs anything. Hug it out. Tell her how sorry you are. Not much else you can do.

NowIamMrsKlein

**Hugs**

Either ask your friend or someone close to your friend (like her mother) what she needs. This could be in terms of mental health - someone to talk to, just wants to be alone etc. Or physical - She could use someone to check on her cat, bring food etc.

About 6 years ago a friend of mine lost his FI several days before their wedding. It was awful. We were all young 22-24ish and were not really set to cope with this (But then again, who ever is). Instead of all of us bombarding him with questions, his best friend took the lead. He spoke to our friend and then relayed all the information back to us. The wedding was to be destination. Our friend asked us all to still go. It was what he figured would be his best way to cope, be surrounded by all his friends on a beach away from it all rather than sitting at home alone in the home they shared.

So my advice would definitely check in with someone close to her first, make sure she isn't being bombarded. Sometimes an excess of sympathies and requests to help can make it worse. And go from there. But definitely remember that we all grieve differently so it's important to adhere to her wishes. 

ShesSoCold

For my stepdad, I think one of the hardest things was when the flowers and cards and head tilts and "I'm so sorry"s were over. When my mom was sick, people would send food and stop by all the time. When she died, everyone else went back to normal life. So my advice would be to keep remembering her in the next several months. Send her flowers just because you're thinking of her around the holidays. One of the local colleges had carry out food your can order - bring something like that over a few times in the next couple of months. Keep reaching out to her after others have stopped.

julieanne912

ShesSoCold said:

For my stepdad, I think one of the hardest things was when the flowers and cards and head tilts and "I'm so sorry"s were over. When my mom was sick, people would send food and stop by all the time. When she died, everyone else went back to normal life. So my advice would be to keep remembering her in the next several months. Send her flowers just because you're thinking of her around the holidays. One of the local colleges had carry out food your can order - bring something like that over a few times in the next couple of months. Keep reaching out to her after others have stopped.

This.  When my dad died, I didn't have a hard time right at first.  It hit a few months later when everything settled down.  It would have been nice if some of my friends had been as attentive as they were in the beginning because I was really struggling.

STARMOON44

You send a condolence card and contact her to check in a bit more. And remember him with her.

And that's it. This will sound harsh, but you are not her closest friend. And you need to focus on your own husband and rebuilding your lives together right now.

I am a firm believer that we all do what we can. Yes, it would be great id someone could visit her, and organize meals, and mow the lawn. But not you, not this time. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

AprilH81

Send a card and small token now (maybe something other than flowers since she will probably get a lot of those now).  A meal that can be frozen and pulled out when she can't bring herself to cook would be great.

Then, just be there for her and take her lead on what might be helpful.  Keep in mind that sometimes people don't ask for help so try to keep your eyes and ears open for something that would be helpful that you could help with without imposing.

kimmiinthemitten

First and foremost, I'm so sorry things seem to be snowballing.  I'm sure her loss is doubly as hard for you considering what you recently experienced with your H.  You are clearly a good friend for wanting to find a way to be a friend of her even when in a time of need yourself.

I agree with all of the PP, as the same time.  As @starmoon44 stated, you need to put your family first so make sure anything you do for her does not take away from time spent with yourself or your husband.

With that in mind, consider anything specific and helpful you can do.  Often times when in grief, the offers for help are nice but you're so lost you can't even think of what you need.  Have an awesome frozen casserole recipe?  Offer to bring her dinner one night.  Love dogs?  Offer to take hers on a couple walks for her.  Drive near her home on your way to work?  Offer to stop by a couple times a week and water her flowers.

I also think helping with something specific may feel good for you too.  You can see the exact way you helped her, which you may not be able to measure with your home situation right now.  

(hugs)

Pupatella

ShesSoCold said:

For my stepdad, I think one of the hardest things was when the flowers and cards and head tilts and "I'm so sorry"s were over. When my mom was sick, people would send food and stop by all the time. When she died, everyone else went back to normal life. So my advice would be to keep remembering her in the next several months. Send her flowers just because you're thinking of her around the holidays. One of the local colleges had carry out food your can order - bring something like that over a few times in the next couple of months. Keep reaching out to her after others have stopped.

Definitely this.

Reach out, ask if there is absolutely anything you can do. Help her with laundry, cleaning, yardwork, shopping, cooking etc. That's if she needs it and wants the help. And keep calling after a few months to check up on her. Take her to a movie, on walks in the park, etc. At first she'll be so busy answering phone calls / questions / reading cards that she'll have no time to soak in what happened. After all of that stops, it can be very isolating and lonely. Just keep her company and listen. Unfortunately there is really nothing you can do to take the pain away. Just give her hugs, and cry with her.

jenna8984

No one wants to potentially be that A-hole when talking about life and death and delicate situations. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say it anyways- I'm calling MUD.

These details are just too bizarre the way you say them. "His name was Braeden and he took her breath away". Really? A newlywed just peaces to Asia for 6 months? Just happens to get hit by a freaking truck? No one at the Embassy knew who to call? She was just your photographer and you became besties? I mean how rare are any of those events on their own, let alone all in one story?  

 

jenna8984

loveislouder said:

I'm going preface this by saying I'm sorry I haven't given an update about H since his attempt. He's still with us, for now. We're being extra careful and trying to get him the help he needs.  But this thread is for my friend.

My photographer and I got along so well, we became friends. She's an amazing young lady. She met a man when we were at our second location. His name was Braeden, and he took her breath away.  One short month later they were married. Fast forward to August, and he was off to Asia for some sort of Mission trip. He told her he loved her, he would miss her and he'd see her in 6 short months.

She called me an hour ago. He's dead.  He got hit by a truck in Asia a week ago but no one knew who to call. She was at the airport with his mom and they were going to bring him home.

What do I do? What can I do.

I'm sorry to be the Debbie-Downer of TK lately. Everything is happening all at once and at 24, I didn't think I'd have to deal with my friends losing their spouses.

Fellow Knotties, what do I do?

JIC

novella1186

loveislouder said:

I'm going preface this by saying I'm sorry I haven't given an update about H since his attempt. He's still with us, for now. We're being extra careful and trying to get him the help he needs.  But this thread is for my friend.

My photographer and I got along so well, we became friends. She's an amazing young lady. She met a man when we were at our second location. His name was Braeden, and he took her breath away.  One short month later they were married. Fast forward to August, and he was off to Asia for some sort of Mission trip. He told her he loved her, he would miss her and he'd see her in 6 short months.

She called me an hour ago. He's dead.  He got hit by a truck in Asia a week ago but no one knew who to call. She was at the airport with his mom and they were going to bring him home.

What do I do? What can I do.

I'm sorry to be the Debbie-Downer of TK lately. Everything is happening all at once and at 24, I didn't think I'd have to deal with my friends losing their spouses.

Fellow Knotties, what do I do?

I'm going to have to agree with Jenna here. The bolded just reads like a bad Nicholas Sparks novel to me. 

OliveOilsMom

novella1186 said:

loveislouder said:

I'm going preface this by saying I'm sorry I haven't given an update about H since his attempt. He's still with us, for now. We're being extra careful and trying to get him the help he needs.  But this thread is for my friend.

My photographer and I got along so well, we became friends. She's an amazing young lady. She met a man when we were at our second location. His name was Braeden, and he took her breath away.  One short month later they were married. Fast forward to August, and he was off to Asia for some sort of Mission trip. He told her he loved her, he would miss her and he'd see her in 6 short months.

She called me an hour ago. He's dead.  He got hit by a truck in Asia a week ago but no one knew who to call. She was at the airport with his mom and they were going to bring him home.

What do I do? What can I do.

I'm sorry to be the Debbie-Downer of TK lately. Everything is happening all at once and at 24, I didn't think I'd have to deal with my friends losing their spouses.

Fellow Knotties, what do I do?

I'm going to have to agree with Jenna here. The bolded just reads like a bad Nicholas Sparks novel to me. 

I was thinking the same thing.  And the bolded just seems like a very callous thing to say about your own H who is having a serious mental breakdown.

ETA: Unbolded what Novella bolded.

sparklepants41

OliveOilsMom said:

novella1186 said:

loveislouder said:

I'm going preface this by saying I'm sorry I haven't given an update about H since his attempt. He's still with us, for now. We're being extra careful and trying to get him the help he needs.  But this thread is for my friend.

My photographer and I got along so well, we became friends. She's an amazing young lady. She met a man when we were at our second location. His name was Braeden, and he took her breath away.  One short month later they were married. Fast forward to August, and he was off to Asia for some sort of Mission trip. He told her he loved her, he would miss her and he'd see her in 6 short months.

She called me an hour ago. He's dead.  He got hit by a truck in Asia a week ago but no one knew who to call. She was at the airport with his mom and they were going to bring him home.

What do I do? What can I do.

I'm sorry to be the Debbie-Downer of TK lately. Everything is happening all at once and at 24, I didn't think I'd have to deal with my friends losing their spouses.

Fellow Knotties, what do I do?

I'm going to have to agree with Jenna here. The bolded just reads like a bad Nicholas Sparks novel to me. 

I was thinking the same thing.  And the bolded just seems like a very callous thing to say about your own H who is having a serious mental breakdown.

ETA: Unbolded what Novella bolded.

I have to say - that didn't sit well with me either.

photokitty

I dated a guy who invented a dead ex-fiancé...this thread is raising all the same red flags he did. (not to mention the ones MI/PoG did too)

loveislouder

jenna8984  No, thats okay, be skeptical. I'm not going to delete my post. 

It's her birthday today and she posted this super long facebook status about it and him. I took the words right from her post.

@oliveoilsmom  Callus, okay. But when your husband tries to kill himself and has suicide on his mind constantly, you really don't know when your last moment will be with him. That's why he's still with us, for now. 

Pupatella

If this is MUD, these are horrible things to make up.

southernbelle0915

loveislouder said:

jenna8984  No, thats okay, be skeptical. I'm not going to delete my post. 

It's her birthday today and she posted this super long facebook status about it and him. I took the words right from her post.

@oliveoilsmom  Callus, okay. But when your husband tries to kill himself and has suicide on his mind constantly, you really don't know when your last moment will be with him. That's why he's still with us, for now. 

Is this how you found out? 

If so, she probably doesn't consider you as close of a friend as you may think. Just send her a card and tell her you're there for her. 

And I have to agree with starmoon that you have some pretty serious shit of your own to deal with right now. Focus there.

photokitty

If this is for real, what sort of mission trip doesn't have in case of emergency contacts? Did this come with a Go Fund Me link? Bc it all just seems highly unlikely. Did they not talk or Skype regularly?

I'm sorry, but I feel like either she is pulling the wool over your eyes or your are trying to do it to us. Stories like this are classic catfish lines. It's emotional and heart wrenching, also like Jenna said, no one wants to be the asshole calling people out over it - on here or on FB. 

OliveOilsMom

loveislouder said:

jenna8984  No, thats okay, be skeptical. I'm not going to delete my post. 

It's her birthday today and she posted this super long facebook status about it and him. I took the words right from her post.

oliveoilsmom  Callus, okay. But when your husband tries to kill himself and has suicide on his mind constantly, you really don't know when your last moment will be with him. That's why he's still with us, for now. 

I can't even imagine what it would be like in my H tried to kill himself and has suicidal thoughts constantly, but I don't think I'd ever reference him still being here "for now".  You could have said that your H is still having suicidal thoughts, the present tense verb would have indicated he is still alive.  But adding in the "for now" makes it seem like you know he will succeed, rather than hope he get the medical help he needs to pull himself out of his strained mental state.

lyndausvi

Asia is a pretty big area.   I find it odd to keep saying "off to Asia" or "got hit by a truck in Asia."    I guess if they are in Kiribati I would see them having problems since there is no embassy there.  

IDK,  it might be a little more believable if there was a country named not section that makes up a 3rd of the world's land base.

If this is real, just sent card, call her and  let her know you are there for her.    Listen, just plain listen.

I hope your DH is doing better.

kimmiinthemitten

OliveOilsMom said:

loveislouder said:

jenna8984  No, thats okay, be skeptical. I'm not going to delete my post. 

It's her birthday today and she posted this super long facebook status about it and him. I took the words right from her post.

oliveoilsmom  Callus, okay. But when your husband tries to kill himself and has suicide on his mind constantly, you really don't know when your last moment will be with him. That's why he's still with us, for now. 

I can't even imagine what it would be like in my H tried to kill himself and has suicidal thoughts constantly, but I don't think I'd ever reference him still being here "for now".  You could have said that your H is still having suicidal thoughts, the present tense verb would have indicated he is still alive.  But adding in the "for now" makes it seem like you know he will succeed, rather than hope he get the medical help he needs to pull himself out of his strained mental state.

While what @loveislouder said may sound callous, it's impossible to gauge how we would react in the same shoes.  My brother is a recovering addict who should have died a million times now and I've made similar, and worse, comments.  Callous, possibly, but it's the truth and a new truth that she's adjusting to and learning how to feel/respond/communicate about.

Heffalump

jenna8984 said:

No one wants to potentially be that A-hole when talking about life and death and delicate situations. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say it anyways- I'm calling MUD.

These details are just too bizarre the way you say them. "His name was Braeden and he took her breath away". Really? A newlywed just peaces to Asia for 6 months? Just happens to get hit by a freaking truck? No one at the Embassy knew who to call? She was just your photographer and you became besties? I mean how rare are any of those events on their own, let alone all in one story?  

 

You took the words right out of my brain, but I was reluctant to say anything because I didn't want to sound like the a-hole.  (Not calling you an a-hole, of course, just saying you're braver than I was.)

sarahufl

Heffalump said:

jenna8984 said:

No one wants to potentially be that A-hole when talking about life and death and delicate situations. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say it anyways- I'm calling MUD.

These details are just too bizarre the way you say them. "His name was Braeden and he took her breath away". Really? A newlywed just peaces to Asia for 6 months? Just happens to get hit by a freaking truck? No one at the Embassy knew who to call? She was just your photographer and you became besties? I mean how rare are any of those events on their own, let alone all in one story?  

 

You took the words right out of my brain, but I was reluctant to say anything because I didn't want to sound like the a-hole.  (Not calling you an a-hole, of course, just saying you're braver than I was.)

QFT.

anjemon

I sort of had to deal with this problem in my early 20's. A friend of mine from HS moved away for college. While away she met and married this guy (who I never met). Then he got in a fatal car accident leaving her with a new house, puppy, and pregnant (the worst things trifecta). 

She moved back with her parents that summer and I was still living in my hometown, so we met up a bunch of times. Mostly we just had dinner or went to a movie. It was hard because I had no idea what to do or say. I didn't know if I was supposed to be bringing it up or just ignoring it. I ended up mostly just talking about what she wanted to talk about (largely pregnancy and getting ready for the baby) and whatever was going on in my life.

A few months later I ran into her mother at some event and she thanked me profusely for being there for her daughter. It sort of flabbergasted me because I didn't really think I did anything. But I guess just having somewhere for her to go, a friend to talk to, and a bit of normalcy was a help.

So that's my advice. Keep in contact with your friend, schedule some times to go out. Talk about whatever she wants to talk about. Making meals or doing chores is nice, but just be her friend. I'll also say the Liz Logelin foundation (http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org/) really helped my friend. It's a widow/widower support group.

Also, holy crap all this stuff is so much harder to think about now that I have H. Back when my friend lost her husband it was sad, but I don't think I really understood. Thinking about it today has me tearing up.

sarahufl

anjemon said:

I sort of had to deal with this problem in my early 20's. A friend of mine from HS moved away for college. While away she met and married this guy (who I never met). Then he got in a fatal car accident leaving her with a new house, puppy, and pregnant (the worst things trifecta). 

She moved back with her parents that summer and I was still living in my hometown, so we met up a bunch of times. Mostly we just had dinner or went to a movie. It was hard because I had no idea what to do or say. I didn't know if I was supposed to be bringing it up or just ignoring it. I ended up mostly just talking about what she wanted to talk about (largely pregnancy and getting ready for the baby) and whatever was going on in my life.

A few months later I ran into her mother at some event and she thanked me profusely for being there for her daughter. It sort of flabbergasted me because I didn't really think I did anything. But I guess just having somewhere for her to go, a friend to talk to, and a bit of normalcy was a help.

So that's my advice. Keep in contact with your friend, schedule some times to go out. Talk about whatever she wants to talk about. Making meals or doing chores is nice, but just be her friend. I'll also say the Liz Logelin foundation (http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org/) really helped my friend. It's a widow/widower support group.

Also, holy crap all this stuff is so much harder to think about now that I have H. Back when my friend lost her husband it was sad, but I don't think I really understood. Thinking about it today has me tearing up.

Totally unrelated, but I started reading Matt Logelin's blog right when Liz died. Talk about a tear-jerker.

justsie

kimmiandkoley said:

OliveOilsMom said:

loveislouder said:

jenna8984  No, thats okay, be skeptical. I'm not going to delete my post. 

It's her birthday today and she posted this super long facebook status about it and him. I took the words right from her post.

oliveoilsmom  Callus, okay. But when your husband tries to kill himself and has suicide on his mind constantly, you really don't know when your last moment will be with him. That's why he's still with us, for now. 

I can't even imagine what it would be like in my H tried to kill himself and has suicidal thoughts constantly, but I don't think I'd ever reference him still being here "for now".  You could have said that your H is still having suicidal thoughts, the present tense verb would have indicated he is still alive.  But adding in the "for now" makes it seem like you know he will succeed, rather than hope he get the medical help he needs to pull himself out of his strained mental state.

While what @loveislouder said may sound callous, it's impossible to gauge how we would react in the same shoes.  My brother is a recovering addict who should have died a million times now and I've made similar, and worse, comments.  Callous, possibly, but it's the truth and a new truth that she's adjusting to and learning how to feel/respond/communicate about.

I've seen a lot of family members dealing with someone they love attempting to commit suicide, and I've heard a lot of the "for now" statements spoken by the person struggling, but not so much from those that are supporting them. I would understand if this was a weekly occurrence, something more frequent to where you had to harden yourself over it, but this was (from my memory) a one time thing. I don't remember loveislouder saying her H tried to kill himself before while they were together, unless I missed it, and it does strike me as very odd to be saying that. Not invalid, but definitely and odd reaction. Added to it that this is the first update we get since then, the last being that they were seeking treatment but nothing since then...... It doesn't take that long to get someone who actively attempted suicide into inpatient treatment. Things just aren't really adding up right for me, so I personally am pretty torn about this. 

Cookie Pusher

jenna8984 said:

No one wants to potentially be that A-hole when talking about life and death and delicate situations. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say it anyways- I'm calling MUD.

These details are just too bizarre the way you say them. "His name was Braeden and he took her breath away". Really? A newlywed just peaces to Asia for 6 months? Just happens to get hit by a freaking truck? No one at the Embassy knew who to call? She was just your photographer and you became besties? I mean how rare are any of those events on their own, let alone all in one story?  

 

Does anyone else see the irony? (http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7701126/#Comment_7701126)

loveislouder said:

Ever since the MagicInk/VulgarGirl thign went down, I've found myself being more and more suspicious... even about a semi-reg who I'd feel REALLY guilty about questioning if they were in fact real.

climbingsingle

ETA: CookiePusher beat me to it! 

I find it odd that you just posted this last month:

loveislouder said:

Ever since the MagicInk/VulgarGirl thign went down, I've found myself being more and more suspicious... even about a semi-reg who I'd feel REALLY guilty about questioning if they were in fact real.

anjemon

sarahufl said:

anjemon said:

I sort of had to deal with this problem in my early 20's. A friend of mine from HS moved away for college. While away she met and married this guy (who I never met). Then he got in a fatal car accident leaving her with a new house, puppy, and pregnant (the worst things trifecta). 

She moved back with her parents that summer and I was still living in my hometown, so we met up a bunch of times. Mostly we just had dinner or went to a movie. It was hard because I had no idea what to do or say. I didn't know if I was supposed to be bringing it up or just ignoring it. I ended up mostly just talking about what she wanted to talk about (largely pregnancy and getting ready for the baby) and whatever was going on in my life.

A few months later I ran into her mother at some event and she thanked me profusely for being there for her daughter. It sort of flabbergasted me because I didn't really think I did anything. But I guess just having somewhere for her to go, a friend to talk to, and a bit of normalcy was a help.

So that's my advice. Keep in contact with your friend, schedule some times to go out. Talk about whatever she wants to talk about. Making meals or doing chores is nice, but just be her friend. I'll also say the Liz Logelin foundation (http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org/) really helped my friend. It's a widow/widower support group.

Also, holy crap all this stuff is so much harder to think about now that I have H. Back when my friend lost her husband it was sad, but I don't think I really understood. Thinking about it today has me tearing up.

Totally unrelated, but I started reading Matt Logelin's blog right when Liz died. Talk about a tear-jerker.

Oh I know. I've gone to a few fundraisers with her for the group and it's so heartbreaking to hear the stories. But I'm glad he has been able to reach out to other people who are suffering and help them.