would you stay in a house that your spouse had with an ex?

jenna8984

So we closed on our new house Friday and we found out through the realtor that the H built this house with his ex-wife and years later she passed from cancer. He is remarried now and they are basically selling/sold because the new wife wants her "own" house with him. I think this is a silly reason to move from a perfectly beautiful house. Like I could see if it didn't fit your needs, like if she brought 4 kids into the relationship and it was too small but that wasn't the case. My friend says she gets it and would 100% not want to live there either as the new wife. I mean it worked out for me so I'm not complaining but I do think she's a little crazy for moving 2 miles away to a very comparable house. What's your take?
*make the assumption that the house is really nice and fits your needs, it's not like some dump in an area you don't like*

[Deleted User]

I voted for hard to say (and a cupcake sounds really good right now), because it would depend on how open my spouse would be to changing things in the house.

If I had to live in a place that they wouldn't let me change that would be a no.  I don't want to feel like a guest in "my own" home.  Not saying I'd want to change everything, but if you won't let me paint some walls or maybe get a few new pieces of furniture, that wouldn't work for me.

novella1186

If I were the husband, I don't think I'd want to stay in that house only because it would be too hard ya know? Like I'm so used to coming home and seeing H. If something happened to him and I didn't get to come home and see him anymore, it would be way too hard to come home to the same house, if that makes sense. 

As the new gf/wife, though, I don't know. I've never been in a situation like that but I feel like if it's a great house then why move? 

NowIamMrsKlein

I think it would depend on the situation of the ex.

My FI's ex was a horrible horrible woman. I think I would have a very tough time living in that house because of all the negative memories for him that are associated with it. I would want a fresh start. Thankfully we never had to deal with that because a)FI had already moved out of that place when we met and b) when FI and I moved in together we moved to a new province. 

If the breakup was a mutual and adult dissolution of a relationship then I probably would be ok with it. However I probably would want to take the time and effort for FI and I to redecorate it to make it 'ours' not not feel like i am moving into a home that isn't mine.

ShesSoCold

To me, it depends. My stepdad lives in the house my mom bought with my dad before I was born. It's my mom's house. My stepdad has lived there for like 18 years but it's my mom's house. It doesn't seem odd to me that he moved into the house that she had with my dad, but it would seem weird to me if he met someone new and she lived in that house.

So to me, it's a situation thing and I couldn't give a blanket answer.

STARMOON44

No. I'd want our own home, filled with our own memories. It wouldn't be a perfectly good house to me, it would be his house. I also wouldn't move into any home someone else owned before me for any significant length of time.

WinstonsGirl

Depends for me, but DH and I both sold our places and bought our own house.  We could have stayed in one of our original houses and been mortgage free, but we wanted something that was us.  He would adapt better, but I'd still always think of his place as his rather than ours.  

teddygirl9

This is (Sort of) the situation my mom is in. Her fiance was always a bachelor, and his mom would come and stay with him a lot (she lives in a different province). Like, a lot. So much so that she had 'her' room, and didn't like it when he moved things. Enter my mom. She added things/moved things/etc and his mom didn't like it. So my mom wants them to sell both of their houses and buy a new one together. Not an ex, but a very overbearing presence...

So I get the mentality. But its def still silly. eta - I would *probably* stay though.

cupcait927

It wasn't a house but I moved into the apartment that H got with his ex. It was their first place together and he stayed there when she moved out. It was weird for me in the beginning and I had a hard time shaking the thought that it was "their place" but I got over it. However, it drove her absolutely nuts that I moved in there and that he let someone move into the place they lived in together. She didn't like H and I being together to begin with, but I think she was more jealous that I got to live there and she didn't because it was an amazing apartment. 

Now, if H died/we got divorced and I was to move on and start a relationship with someone else, I don't know that I'd want to bring someone in to a place that I shared with H. H has already told me that if I were to pass away while we were still living in our own home, he'd sell it immediately and move out, because he wouldn't be able to live in a place that we shared together.

lyndausvi

I've moved so many times I do not get attached to homes like that. 

  I think it would depend on the situation.  Am I on the deed?  Even if I'm on the deed, does he still consider this house HIS?  Am I allowed to put my own stamp on the house?         

I do not think it's a one size fits all type of thing.

CharmedPam

MY FI still lives in the house that he had with his ex.  She picked it out, decorated it. etc. etc.  It never even passed my mind "oh...she walked these halls".   But then again, I'm not over there all to much, he's usually at my place.

eta: I can totally see, in this situation why he wants to move though

photokitty

I owned my house before I met my ex, granted he never officially moved in, but he did basically. Its just a house, I don't know what the difference is between living in it and dating and doing adult stuff in it. DH had no issue living in it. And I wouldn't if the tables are turned.

I understand wanting to move if the ex died in it. But you knew he was married when you met him. But then I laughed pretty hard when my friend said she was buying a new build house bc she didn't want a "used" house.

julieanne912

I put "we movin" because I sort of experienced this with FI.  I moved into his house that he bought when he was single, and his ex gf and her kid lived with him there (after he bought it).  It never felt like "our" house.  It was always "his".  I was glad to move into a house that we built ourselves (well not literally but you know what I mean).  We picked everything out together, made all the decisions together.  When we were packing up to move, I found a box in the basement with pictures of her, and kid dishes from her kid.  

Also, if my mom had stayed in the house I grew up in after my dad passed, and remarried, I would have NOT been happy about that.  That was our house, as a family, with my dad.  A new person would have felt like an intruder to me.  I was 18 when my dad passed.  After she sold the house, I helped her buy a new one, and together she and I picked out the finishes, the lot, etc.  I moved away and she met my stepdad and he and his kid moved in.  I always felt weird that they lived there, because that house was my moms, by herself.  They moved to a different house and that feels like "their" house to me.  

julieanne912

Also, wanted to add, I think a lot of this relates to how you feel about home.  To me, home is my sanctuary and my personal space.  I have friends where their home is just a place to lay their heads.  So if something/someone isn't right in my personal space, I'm not comfortable.  

littlemushroom

I think it depends on how open to change my spouse would be, like PP said. If he was open to switching some things up and not keeping everything the way it was with the previous person/when he was there by himself, then I wouldn't care. It just has to make the transition from his/their house to our house in some meaningful ways.

This reminds me of a Love It or List episode where the woman moved in with her then BF and they got married and were living in the house he had purchased with another woman. In the 8 years (might have been longer), nothing had changed from when he lived there alone. She was always treated like a guest living in his house. That wouldn't fly with me.

novella1186

photokitty said:

I owned my house before I met my ex, granted he never officially moved in, but he did basically. Its just a house, I don't know what the difference is between living in it and dating and doing adult stuff in it. DH had no issue living in it. And I wouldn't if the tables are turned. I understand wanting to move if the ex died in it. But you knew he was married when you met him. But then I laughed pretty hard when my friend said she was buying a new build house bc she didn't want a "used" house.

I've heard people say stuff like that before and I think it's hilarious. It's also really strange to me, because I'm drawn to old houses. I love the charm and the story and the history and all of it. The house we just bought was built in 1963 so to me that's new. Almost too new. But I guess to some people it's "used" and no good lol 

Pupatella

It depends on a lot of factors, but I don't think there's anything wrong with having your own home with your own memories.

When my FI and I decided to move in together, we decided to get our own apt. Did we previously live with people in our old apartments? Nope! We just wanted a place that we could call "ours".

jenna8984

Great points about changing up the house and making it feel like yours. I had my previous house by myself and when (now) H moved in, I did everything to make him feel like it was ours and not just mine. I let him pick a new comforter and whatever paint colors he wanted, and hang up his grandfathers WWII portrait. I always referred to it as our house. One of my friends who just got divorced said her ex-husband would always call it his house, even though they picked it out together, her name wasn't on the paperwork and he never treated it though she owned it as well.

Maggie0829

It would really depend.

Like Lynda said, would my name be added to the deed?  Would he consider it OUR house once I moved in or would he still have the "MY house" mind frame?  Would we redecorate to make it a place that reflected OUR design styles or would he want to leave it as is?

It would also depend how the relationship ended and how H felt about the home. If it was a place where he shared a life with his now dead former wife would staying cause him to constantly have painful memories or make him want to keep everything as is as a sort of shrine?  If it was a place where he had a horrible marriage that ended in divorce, would it cause him to have a constant fear that our marriage would end the same way?

So yeah, a lot of factors would need to be considered.  Sometimes a house is just a house but other times it is a place full of a lot of memories that could not be beneficial to a new relationship.

JediElizabeth

When I moved into our first apartment with my FI, he moved in 2 weeks before me, and it actually made it harder because he had already established "territory" in the second bedroom (which was supposed to be shared), he had decided when the furniture went without me, etc. It was hard initially to feel like it was "mine," too. We got over it, but it still caused some issues. In our second (current) apartment, we moved together, placed furniture together, and claimed our personal territories at the same time. It worked a lot better overall.

I couldn't imagine moving into a place my partner had already inhabited for years. I would feel like an interloper there, even if they had never shared it with another partner. I wouldn't know what to do with my books, my computer, my cooking gadgets...all of my stuff that is now intermingled on the shelves and in the kitchen with my FI's. Even if he was willing to make the space for me, I still don't think I'd be comfortable. Maybe it's because I lived alone in so many apartments before cohabiting, and I'm used to having a lot of control over my interior design.

So yeah, strong vote for getting our own place.

lyndausvi

julieanne912 said:

Also, wanted to add, I think a lot of this relates to how you feel about home.  To me, home is my sanctuary and my personal space.  I have friends where their home is just a place to lay their heads.  So if something/someone isn't right in my personal space, I'm not comfortable.  

To me, home is not the walls or the layout.

  Home is where my bed with my comfy comforter are.  Where my pictures are hung.  Where I can hang my DH's grandma's quilt.  It's sitting on my awesomely expensive, yet super comfy sofa.  Of course, it's where my DH and dogs are.  Even though I rent, I still consider my place here my home.

If given the opportunity to put my own stamp on a structure, then it can become my home.  If I'm not allowed to put my own stamp on the place then it will never be my home.

sparklepants41

Same house? Provided it's in great condition and in a good neighborhood - sure!

Same bedroom/bed/mattress? NOPE.

cupcait927

sparklepants41 said:

Same house? Provided it's in great condition and in a good neighborhood - sure!

Same bedroom/bed/mattress? NOPE.

When I moved in with H, I asked him if the bed in his place was the one he shared with his ex, because there was no way that was going to fly. He assured me it wasn't - she got custody of the bed in the break up and he took the shitty guest bed from his parents house, along with a rag tag assortment of sheets and blankets. That would've been way too weird to share/be okay with.

princessleia22

I think there is something to be said for having a joint space that's new to both of you, regardless of whether an ex lived there previously.  When DH moved in to my apartment, we ended up keeping most of his furniture and getting rid of most of mine, which helped it feel like it was his space too, but it still took a while to feel like it was "our" space. And the next time we moved, it was nice to start from scratch and be able to set up "our" space, instead of trying to fit his stuff into "my" space. So, I think there is always some benefit of both people moving into a new joint space, instead of trying to convert "his" or "her" space into "our" space.

That being said, I don't think I would require husband to move out of the house, if the house is well suited to our needs.  You will never be able to erase the memory of his late wife.  

beachyone15

I would move and I wouldn't feel at all bad about it.

fyrchk

I think a lot of this depends on the person. I spent my entire childhood moving from one military base to another living in quarters. So, I don't really have an attachment to a structure. For me, home is where my things are, where FI is, where my dog is. Not the actual house. Even the house my parents bought when I was 16 isn't "home" to me. It's their house and if/when they pass away, I will clean it out and sell it without feeling like I'm "losing" something.

Maybe I just haven't found the right house yet.

Edit: spelling

luckya23

Honestly, I can't fathom moving into someone else's place at all. 

I'm glad my H didn't have the same feelings, though!  I'm sure it isn't the same as if we had bought the place together, even though he "helped" make decisions early on.

anjemon

I'm with a lot of PP's - it would totally depend on much of a mark my SO would let me put on the house. I think I would be okay with living in a space he had shared with an ex, but I would want to change a bunch of things and make the space mine. It can't still look and feel the same.

I was actually really glad H and I managed to avoid this when we got married. H owns the condo he was living in and I was going to move in there. Luckily we started house hunting right after the wedding and found a place super fast, so I never bothered to really move into his condo. All my furniture and stuff stayed in my apartment until the weekend after we closed on the house. But I know it would have been hard to think of it as "our" place. He had bought everything and had everything where he wanted it long before I came onto the picture. I would have had to try and fit all my stuff in next to his stuff and it would be hard.

AprilH81

Like others, this would be dependent on the house, DH's willingness to allow me to make changes, and the history of the previous relationship.

DH moved into my house that I had owned for 3 years.  It was "my" house in all rooms and I tried really hard to find space for his stuff and his style but without completely re-doing the whole house there wasn't a lot we could do.  We turned a bedroom into his office and that was all his to decorate.  We added some of his art where I had space and called it a day.  Also, we knew this was not our forever house so it wasn't a huge deal.

That is obviously not the same as the story in the OP since I hadn't lived in the house with an ex, but I think to an extent moving into a house (or apartment) where part of the couple had lived for awhile can be difficult.  It is hard to make room for another person's stuff, even if you like their style.

Denise40

My ex and I had our house built and we lived in it for 25 years. We separated and he moved out. When I met my fiancé and he moved in. He told me he wasn't comfortable living there. The house was on the market and finally sold. I bought a new house and now we live there. Fiancé is more relaxed that were in the new house.

lc07

I understand both sides and I don't have judgement either way. I still live in the same house that I lived in with my ex-husband. I still have the same furniture, including the bed. In fact, he bought the bed before he met me so even though I now own the bed, in some ways it still feels like "his". If money were no object, I'd move into a new house and get rid of all of my furniture and get new furniture but it doesn't make financial sense to do that. I have nice things but the re-sell value would be next to nothing compared to having to purchase new things. And my landlord hasn't raised my rent since I moved in almost 8 years ago in a very high COL area. What I pay is a steal. So I'm living with the old stuff in the old place and have made the best of it. I have burned a ton of sage and I've re-arranged furniture which has helped.