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Etiquette

Invite or no?

We sent out wedding invitations a few weeks ago. When the RSVP deadline passed, we began making phone calls to find out who would be able to attend and who would not. FI called his aunt who stated, "Yes, me and my husband will be coming." My FI told her, "No, I'm sorry. Only those listed on the invites are allowed to attend." I cringed. Here are my concerns:

1) I feel like an ass hat because I did not invite this woman's husband. But in my defense, I never knew she was married. My FI and I have been together for more than seven years, during which time this aunt lived with his parents. No one ever mentioned this man. FI's mom helped with the guest list and NEVER mentioned this guy. 

2) I immediately told my FI that he needed to call her back and tell her it was an oversight on our part. He refused. His reasoning is that this aunt was severely physically abused by her husband to the point that FI's dad and uncles beat the man to a pulp. 

3) The wedding is open bar and FI's dad and uncles LOVE to drink. They often get rowdy when drinking. FI and I are concerned that they will engage in aggressive behavior if the aunt's husband is there. 

4) FI's entire family is not speaking to this aunt but no one can give a clear reason why. 

5) If this aunt does not come, FI's grandmother WILL NOT attend. I would really like her to attend because its his grandmother and because she is on hospice. The doctors are giving her less than 2 months and my thinking is, I want her to spend as much time as her family as possible. 

6) FI does not want this man at the wedding. 

My mom says, invite the aunt's husband and just have security.... not the atmosphere I was going for. I feel like if I don't invite him, I've violated etiquette and shit on someone's marriage on a day where marriage should be celebrated. On the other hand, I don't want to step on FI's toes. What do you guys think? What would you do?

Re: Invite or no?

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We sent out wedding invitations a few weeks ago. When the RSVP deadline passed, we began making phone calls to find out who would be able to attend and who would not. FI called his aunt who stated, "Yes, me and my husband will be coming." My FI told her, "No, I'm sorry. Only those listed on the invites are allowed to attend." I cringed. Here are my concerns:

    1) I feel like an ass hat because I did not invite this woman's husband. But in my defense, I never knew she was married. My FI and I have been together for more than seven years, during which time this aunt lived with his parents. No one ever mentioned this man. FI's mom helped with the guest list and NEVER mentioned this guy. 

    2) I immediately told my FI that he needed to call her back and tell her it was an oversight on our part. He refused. His reasoning is that this aunt was severely physically abused by her husband to the point that FI's dad and uncles beat the man to a pulp. 

    3) The wedding is open bar and FI's dad and uncles LOVE to drink. They often get rowdy when drinking. FI and I are concerned that they will engage in aggressive behavior if the aunt's husband is there. 

    4) FI's entire family is not speaking to this aunt but no one can give a clear reason why. 

    5) If this aunt does not come, FI's grandmother WILL NOT attend. I would really like her to attend because its his grandmother and because she is on hospice. The doctors are giving her less than 2 months and my thinking is, I want her to spend as much time as her family as possible. 

    6) FI does not want this man at the wedding. 

    My mom says, invite the aunt's husband and just have security.... not the atmosphere I was going for. I feel like if I don't invite him, I've violated etiquette and shit on someone's marriage on a day where marriage should be celebrated. On the other hand, I don't want to step on FI's toes. What do you guys think? What would you do?
    Family is complicated.  This is your FI's family, I would follow their lead on it.  There is some complicated backstory that involves a person who is violent, this is typically the point where you can go against etiquette.  You can resolve your feelings of going against etiquette by reminding yourself you are keeping a potentially violent man away from your wedding guests.

    Also, when it comes to FI's grandmother, he knows what needs to be done in order for his grandmother to attend.  It is also likely that his grandmother won't be able to attend if she isn't feeling well on the day of your wedding.
    PupatellaKnottie92856211japrincess24
  • PupatellaPupatella member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2015
    Yikes. So normally I would say all SO's need to be invited. But if there has been physical abuse, that is the exception to the rule for me. At the end of the day it is your FI's side of the family and his decision. It sounds like there is a good chance of a fight or physical violence that can occur if the husband attends.

    I think your FI has made the right call here.

    Out of curiosity, how long have they been married and why haven't they lived together for at least 7 years? Is your aunt reconciling with the husband?

  • Thanks for the advice! I think you're right. 

    Apparently they've been legally married for many years. I asked FI's mom about it and she said that it slipped her mind that they are still married. The aunt his recently reconciled with the husband. It'd have to be in the last few months, because I've never met the guy or heard of him. 
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