We sent out wedding invitations a few weeks ago. When the RSVP deadline passed, we began making phone calls to find out who would be able to attend and who would not. FI called his aunt who stated, "Yes, me and my husband will be coming." My FI told her, "No, I'm sorry. Only those listed on the invites are allowed to attend." I cringed. Here are my concerns:
1) I feel like an ass hat because I did not invite this woman's husband. But in my defense, I never knew she was married. My FI and I have been together for more than seven years, during which time this aunt lived with his parents. No one ever mentioned this man. FI's mom helped with the guest list and NEVER mentioned this guy.
2) I immediately told my FI that he needed to call her back and tell her it was an oversight on our part. He refused. His reasoning is that this aunt was severely physically abused by her husband to the point that FI's dad and uncles beat the man to a pulp.
3) The wedding is open bar and FI's dad and uncles LOVE to drink. They often get rowdy when drinking. FI and I are concerned that they will engage in aggressive behavior if the aunt's husband is there.
4) FI's entire family is not speaking to this aunt but no one can give a clear reason why.
5) If this aunt does not come, FI's grandmother WILL NOT attend. I would really like her to attend because its his grandmother and because she is on hospice. The doctors are giving her less than 2 months and my thinking is, I want her to spend as much time as her family as possible.
6) FI does not want this man at the wedding.
My mom says, invite the aunt's husband and just have security.... not the atmosphere I was going for. I feel like if I don't invite him, I've violated etiquette and shit on someone's marriage on a day where marriage should be celebrated. On the other hand, I don't want to step on FI's toes. What do you guys think? What would you do?