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Etiquette

Etiquette of Rehearsal Dinner HELL I MEAN HELP!

edited September 2015 in Etiquette
HELP!!!

My battle right now is brewing and brewing badly. 

So our venue has a rehearsal always on Thursday, our wedding is on Saturday. I told his mother shortly after we were in engaged that the rehearsal is on a Thursday she asked what time. I told her I would check, she said she would like to have it earlier, meaning the rehearsal so she could have an earlier rehearsal dinner. So I called the venue and I got a 5pm that day. Welp come to find out they cant make it that because they have parent teacher conferences and asked if we could do the whole thing on a different day. We said no. They meaning his sister and mother as they are both school teachers and have to both attend these parent teacher conferences. They asked to have the dinner on Friday, after battling I regretfully said that is fine. I dont want it on Friday, its too much for people to get together on Thursday to rehearse and most likely go to dinner, then have to turn around and go eat dinner again the day before we get married.

I had already planned a full spa day with my mother and maid of honor. We are having a small wedding party as I was trying to keep our wedding as clean and easy as possible. 

So I told them fine we can have it on Friday. Well so then his mother asked us to give them restaurants we like, so I gave her 12. She chose none of which were on the list and said she picked this one restaurant that happens to be his sisters favorite, also super inconvenient and in the middle of the city. So a couple weeks have gone by and I finally broke down and was like to my fiance, look I dont want to get together 2 times for something we dont have to do. I want to be relaxing the day before the wedding as does he. So he calls his mother and breaks the news to her. He said she didnt sound that disappointed or upset, but now we are dealing with the wrath of his sister and his text messages about why are we not having it. All we have to do is show up. What is the big problem? This is the only thing mom and dad are involved in which I tried to include them in the taste testing but his sister and mother couldn't because of yet another school event. Also we gave his mother the option that we could maybe do like a dinner the week before or 2 weeks before and she declined and said that we just had one of those.

Please help, what do I do? I really want to keep my foot down and not have it on Friday. It is too many people having to get together all over again. 
«134

Re: Etiquette of Rehearsal Dinner HELL I MEAN HELP!

  • Deep breaths.

    I wouldn't have a Friday dinner. Just do it on Thursday when everyone is there for the rehearsal as this definitely sounds more convenient for everyone attending the rehearsal. The Friday dinner sounds way to stressful, and your FMIL already said it was fine. Let FI handle his sister.

    If FSIL and FMIL can't make it to the rehearsal, no biggie. You and your FI can just fill them in on when they walk down the aisle (if they are doing this), and where to sit or stand.

    Good luck!!

    [Deleted User]SP29
  • Thank you Lord Baby Jesus others are on my side. I have had other family say that it isnt a big deal to not have one, other friends who got married say it wasnt a big deal. I feel better hearing a persons perspective that I dont know. I appreciate the feedback. Oh FI handles his whole family. I am not having any communication with any of them. No way honey. Thanks a bunch!
    SP29
  • Jen thanks so much for that. My parents said that there will be a rehearsal and a dinner to follow and whoever can make it can make it. I almost sent that very text last night after she couldnt understand that this was something we decided. HAHA. Im laughing out loud over here. You would think his mom would be happy I am saving them some money. Our wedding party is so small, just a best man, maid of honor, flower girl and ring bearer its not going to be a huge rehearsal anyways and not that many people at the dinner. Lots of breathing has taken place today! I appreciate you very much! I was afraid to use this forum, but glad I did!
    Jen4948PupatellaEunoiaPhoenix
  • Thanks all for the advice. Scribe95, Most likely we will all go to dinner after the rehearsal as my parents still want that. Having to get everyone together again the next day in a not ideal location at a restaurant that we arent event found of is a little rude and tacky in my opinion. My fi and I really dont even feel like part of their family and like she is wanting to host it because it is the proper thing to do. Well we want everyone to have a very easy non stressful time. Being around family who dont treat you like family 2 nights in a row prior to your wedding doesnt sound stressless to me. I appreciate your opinion and you are only getting a glimpse into part of the problem. Thank you for being honest I appreciate that. 
    SP29
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    scribe95 said:
    It's fine if you don't want to have a rehearsal/dinner but I do wonder what is so stressful about meeting for dinner Friday night? It doesn't strike me as a thing that would be particularly taxing. Spend your day at the spa on Friday, meet for dinner, go home and sleep for the big day. I am not understanding that part. Having the mother of the groom not be able to attend the Thursday dinner is pretty big deal in my thinking. Sounds like she wants to spend time with family but has a real work commitment.


    This.  Why is a dinner the night before so stressful.    I had one with 100+ people and it was not big deal.   Actually I've been to a shit ton dinners the night before and it was no issue for the couple.
     
    I kind-of feel like you are doing things wrong if you think it's going to be stressfull to have dinner with your family.

    ::shrugs::

    I would skit the rehearsal and have a dinner on friday night.   That's just me though.   If you do not want to have anything then done.    






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    lyndausvi said:


    scribe95 said:

    It's fine if you don't want to have a rehearsal/dinner but I do wonder what is so stressful about meeting for dinner Friday night? It doesn't strike me as a thing that would be particularly taxing. Spend your day at the spa on Friday, meet for dinner, go home and sleep for the big day. I am not understanding that part. Having the mother of the groom not be able to attend the Thursday dinner is pretty big deal in my thinking. Sounds like she wants to spend time with family but has a real work commitment.



    This.  Why is a dinner the night before so stressful.    I had one with 100+ people and it was not big deal.   Actually I've been to a shit ton dinners the night before and it was no issue for the couple.
     
    I kind-of feel like you are doing things wrong if you think it's going to be stressfull to have dinner with your family.

    ::shrugs::

    I would skit the rehearsal and have a dinner on friday night.   That's just me though.   If you do not want to have anything then done.    


    Why is dinner with family or ILs the night before your wedding stressful?

    Well my own family is dysfunctional as fuck and *any* family dinner is pretty stressful, whether it's just a random Sunday or a RD. It could be that OPs ILs are also dysfunctional to deal with, or emotional vampires, who knows.

    If she and her FI don't want to have dinner with them on Friday, that's their perogative.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    spockforprez
  • I think it's really inappropriate to go ahead and have an event traditionally hosted by the grooms family at a time when his mother can't attend. I think you should not have a rehearsal at all because they aren't necessary, but have the dinner on Friday. And I think it's just really pretty rude your attitude about the whole thing. And not at all a good starting point to your relationship with them to be so disrespectful.
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2015
    The point of the rehearsal dinner is to thank those who participated in the rehearsal, so it seems weird to me (and against etiquette?) to have a rehearsal Thursday, then get everyone together again on the Friday.

    I do understand that MIL and SIL have a work commitment and maybe they really do want to be there, but it seems you don't have many options. My venue also only did rehearsals on the Thursday, as Fridays are kept open for events. If they can't be there because of work, they can't. I know MIL is hosting, but if I were her, I would decline to host and not attend, or show up late to the dinner if able.

    I would stick with your current plan- do the rehearsal and host a small dinner yourselves for whomever attends. And tell MIL and SIL that you'd love to have dinner another time.  
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2015



    I think it's really inappropriate to go ahead and have an event traditionally hosted by the grooms family at a time when his mother can't attend. I think you should not have a rehearsal at all because they aren't necessary, but have the dinner on Friday. And I think it's just really pretty rude your attitude about the whole thing. And not at all a good starting point to your relationship with them to be so disrespectful.

    She is well within her right to turn down the ILs offer to host a dinner and to host one that works better for her, her FI and the majority of the other guests involved.  It also sounds like the FI in this situation does not seem to mind that his mother and sister will not be able to come due to underlying family issues.  

    ETA: We tell couples all the time that if they are not happy with what someone is hosting in regards to a RD that they are allowed to say "thanks but no thanks" and then pay for and host a RD that is better suited to their needs and wants.  So I really don't see this as any different.





    Yeah but she's saying "thanks but no thanks" to his mother being able to attend the rehearsal dinner at all so she can go to the spa. That's just so selfish, and childish, and wrong I can't even with it. I mean sure, totes "correct" I guess but don't come crying when his whole family thinks you're a psycho.
  • This is traditionally the groom's family's only thing. If the venue can't have the rehearsal on Friday, she should either skip having a rehearsal or rehearse in a different space.

    Right now her solution is go ahead and actively exclude his mom. That's just messed up. It is.
  • Jen4948 said:



    This is traditionally the groom's family's only thing. If the venue can't have the rehearsal on Friday, she should either skip having a rehearsal or rehearse in a different space.

    Right now her solution is go ahead and actively exclude his mom. That's just messed up. It is.



    Bullshit.  It is neither "the traditionally the groom's family's only thing" because they can plan whatever else they like at any other time, nor is it "messed up" if the couple doesn't want to.

    The groom's family can get over it and plan something else for some other time.



    Yeah. Traditionally, it is. Bride's family hosts wedding, groom's gets rehearsal dinner. It's nice to pretend like people still don't care about that division but in reality they do.
  • Still can't even. Not even a little tiny bit. Two close family members cannot attend because of work. If you don't reschedule you're being selfish.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2015
    Still can't even. Not even a little tiny bit. Two close family members cannot attend because of work. If you don't reschedule you're being selfish.
    All your "can't evens" are coming off like a broken record.  She is not being selfish if she doesn't reschedule.
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensparticuliersylpheTheDeathLlama
  • Jen4948 said:



    Still can't even. Not even a little tiny bit. Two close family members cannot attend because of work. If you don't reschedule you're being selfish.

    All your "can't evens" are coming off like a broken record.  She is not being selfish if she doesn't reschedule.



    Yes she is. She is literally putting her desire for her self (spa day) ahead of other people. She might feel fine about that but I don't think she gets to be surprised if other people disagree.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2015
    lyndausvi said:
    scribe95 said:
    It's fine if you don't want to have a rehearsal/dinner but I do wonder what is so stressful about meeting for dinner Friday night? It doesn't strike me as a thing that would be particularly taxing. Spend your day at the spa on Friday, meet for dinner, go home and sleep for the big day. I am not understanding that part. Having the mother of the groom not be able to attend the Thursday dinner is pretty big deal in my thinking. Sounds like she wants to spend time with family but has a real work commitment.


    This.  Why is a dinner the night before so stressful.    I had one with 100+ people and it was not big deal.   Actually I've been to a shit ton dinners the night before and it was no issue for the couple.
     
    I kind-of feel like you are doing things wrong if you think it's going to be stressfull to have dinner with your family.

    ::shrugs::

    I would skit the rehearsal and have a dinner on friday night.   That's just me though.   If you do not want to have anything then done.    
    Why is dinner with family or ILs the night before your wedding stressful? Well my own family is dysfunctional as fuck and *any* family dinner is pretty stressful, whether it's just a random Sunday or a RD. It could be that OPs ILs are also dysfunctional to deal with, or emotional vampires, who knows. If she and her FI don't want to have dinner with them on Friday, that's their perogative.
    I agree.  They do not have to have dinner with anyone on Friday.


    Take the "rehearsal" out of the dinner.  Her in-laws want to host a dinner in their honor. It's nice thing to do.  They agreed, then backed out.    If I was the FMIL I would be hurt also.   Especially since do to know fault of her own she can't attend on Thursday.

    There might be some jealously too.  MOB gets to hang with the couple both Thursday and Friday.  She gets nothing.

    I think a compromised would having them host the parents and maybe siblings on Friday night.  No WP members. Just a family dinner.

    You can do what you want.   Just giving other options.

    Based on the OP, it doesn't sound like the MOG is interested in a compromise.  She earlier insisted on holding the dinner at an inconvenient restaurant just because it's her daughter's favorite and refused to consider any other restaurant.  If she's insisting on a "my way or the highway" then I think the OP and her FI need to nip that and just forgo a rehearsal dinner or host it themselves even if the MOG and her daughter can't make it. 

    The MOG can host another event at any other time-the fact that that Thursday and Friday don't work doesn't mean "she gets nothing."  If she's jealous, that's her own fault and she needs to deal with it without throwing a temper tantrum and expecting to be indulged.

    We always tell posters here that sometimes you just have to accept that not everyone in your wedding party can make it to every event or even the wedding itself.  That applies to MOGs too.

    JediElizabethPrettyGirlLostMaggie0829hellohkb
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It doesn't seem like either one wants to compromise.

    Hosts of events often pick the location.   That is pretty standard.  Sure sometimes the hosts will asked for suggestion, but as the hosts they are well within their rights to pick any restaurant they want.   

    If the rehearsal is on Thursday then it can be just a simply a hosted dinner.  Not a RD, wedding party does not even need to be invited.   It's just a dinner that happens to be the night before the wedding.  She can still go to the spa with her mom.

    I feel like people are getting too hung up on the term "rehearsal dinner".    I'm just giving out of the box suggestions on how MIL can still host a dinner the night before.  If there is not rehearsal on Friday, then the location is not inconvenient to those attending since it's 24 hours later.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lyndausvi said:
    It doesn't seem like either one wants to compromise.

    Hosts of events often pick the location.   That is pretty standard.  Sure sometimes the hosts will asked for suggestion, but as the hosts they are well within their rights to pick any restaurant they want.   

    If the rehearsal is on Thursday then it can be just a simply a hosted dinner.  Not a RD, wedding party does not even need to be invited.   It's just a dinner that happens to be the night before the wedding.  She can still go to the spa with her mom.

    I feel like people are getting too hung up on the term "rehearsal dinner".    I'm just giving out of the box suggestions on how MIL can still host a dinner the night before.  If there is not rehearsal on Friday, then the location is not inconvenient to those attending since it's 24 hours later.  

    Whether it works as a compromise depends.  If it's possible for the OP and everyone else involved in the WP and going to the spa to do both on Friday, yes, that could work.  But if not, and the OP planned the spa trip for Friday based on the earlier plan that the rehearsal was going to be on Thursday, then expecting her to cancel whatever she has planned for Friday so the MOG can stroke her ego by hosting something on that day isn't reasonable. 

    The MOG isn't entitled to expect her and everyone else in the WP to be at her beck and call.  If neither Thursday nor Friday work for all concerned, and apparently Friday doesn't, then she needs to do her hosting on another day, regardless of what she's hosting.  That's life.

    InLoveInQueensSP29
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    lyndausvi said:
    It doesn't seem like either one wants to compromise.

    Hosts of events often pick the location.   That is pretty standard.  Sure sometimes the hosts will asked for suggestion, but as the hosts they are well within their rights to pick any restaurant they want.   

    If the rehearsal is on Thursday then it can be just a simply a hosted dinner.  Not a RD, wedding party does not even need to be invited.   It's just a dinner that happens to be the night before the wedding.  She can still go to the spa with her mom.

    I feel like people are getting too hung up on the term "rehearsal dinner".    I'm just giving out of the box suggestions on how MIL can still host a dinner the night before.  If there is not rehearsal on Friday, then the location is not inconvenient to those attending since it's 24 hours later.  

    Whether it works as a compromise depends.  If it's possible for the OP and everyone else involved in the WP and going to the spa to do both on Friday, yes, that could work.  But if not, and the OP planned the spa trip for Friday based on the earlier plan that the rehearsal was going to be on Thursday, then expecting her to cancel whatever she has planned for Friday so the MOG can stroke her ego by hosting something on that day isn't reasonable. 

    The MOG isn't entitled to expect her and everyone else in the WP to be at her beck and call.  If neither Thursday nor Friday work for all concerned, and apparently Friday doesn't, then she needs to do her hosting on another day, regardless of what she's hosting.  That's life.

    you keep missing the part when I said the WP doesn't even have to be invited.  Thus the amount of people coordinating is lowered.    The compromise is MIL gets to still host a dinner, it's just a much smaller amount of people.  I.e only say the parents and siblings.  Maybe some random aunt.   

    Everyone else keeps adding the WP members.  They are not necessary since it's not an RD anymore.  Just a small dinner party the night before the wedding.


    again she doesn't have to do it, but it seems more of a compromised than nothing at all.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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