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Etiquette of Rehearsal Dinner HELL I MEAN HELP!

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Re: Etiquette of Rehearsal Dinner HELL I MEAN HELP!

  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited September 2015

    MGP said:

    Jen4948 said:

    Jen4948 said:



    MGP said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I think if the point of entertaining in honor of someone else, such as hosting a rehearsal dinner, is to honor those persons and not merely stroke your own ego, especially if you've asked them their preferences, then choosing something else entirely that isn't convenient for them says that you're not doing it to "honor" them but to use their occasion to honor yourself. Sorry not sorry, still not sympathetic. She should have worked with them instead of sulking and insisting on getting her own way, because that turned the whole thing into a power trip.

    Exactly all of this. If OP suggested something out of the hosts's budget I would understand that, but it truly sounds like she gave them plenty of options. And for the hosts to pick something inconvenient and mentioned that it was the sister's favorite it just sends the message they aren't doing it to honor the couple at all, this is self serving for them.

    I am rarely about someone's SPECIAL DAY, but clearly planning something without the guest of honor's preferences in mind (restaurant AND convenience factor) is very WTF to me. Would I go to my SIL's favorite place for her birthday, even if I didn't care for it? Absolutely. Would I go there on the eve of my wedding? Hell to the no.
    And you would have declined the offer. The OP e accepted the offer and then waited until the event was planned to back out. If she didn't want to go, regardless of get reason, she should have said no thank you.

    Declining when an offer is extended is not rude. Accepting and then canceling for a better offer or just bc you don't want to go is rude. I'd have to have a damn good reason to back out on my FMIL after I accepted the offer.

    Except it was not an "offer."  It was a demand for their attendance at an event that didn't work for them.  Declining to attend under those circumstances is not rude.  Demanding someone's attendance at an event and accompanying it with pouting and threats is.
    ********eta box*********

    It was an offer, op said fmil asked and OP regretfully agreed to have it on Friday. Then "weeks later" op decided she didn't want to go.

    Just because the other person is being pushy and rude, it doesn't mean you have to stoop to their level and be rude too. Decline the offer, or demand as you call it, when it is made. Don't back out week later, bc it's rude regardless of how the other party behaves.
    Ah, no. By giving in, the FMIL will consider herself "authorized" to pout and sulk everyone into giving her whatever she wants whenever she wants, just because she thinks she's "entitled" to it even when she's not. By giving in now, it will be that much harder to set and enforce boundaries later.
    ----- box

    Look, we probably aren't getting the whole story and the facts are getting more unclear as this continues. However, I do not think it is unreasonable at all to think that when you accept an offer for someone to host something IN YOUR HONOR that they would take into account and prioritize when/where the guest of honor would like to go. So let me clarify:

    Not cool to back out/kind of crappy to decline from the get go:
    FMIL "Bride, we are so bummed we cannot make it to the RD on Thursday. We would love to take you guys out on Friday night instead. How about we meet at Fave Restaurant at 7:00 to have some quality time before the big day?"

    Perfectly fine to back out/decline:
    FMIL "Bride, we are so bummed we cannot make it to the RD on Thursday. We would love to take you guys out on Friday night instead."
    Bride: "Oh FMIL that is so generous of you. Here are a dozen places we like that are a good fit for location and your budget. Any of these would be prefectly fine with us"
    FMIL: "Eh, no. Just meet us at Not Fave Restaurant several minutes/hours away from home from you. BTW it is FSIL's favorite and close to home for her she is looking forward to it"

    Hopefully you can see the difference.

    ******ETA box*******

    I can see the difference, just not the easy you do...decline immediately when fmil says despite your list, I picked fsil fave restaurant.

    Don't say ok when fmil picks a location that doesn't work for you, then weeks later decline. If op hadn't waited weeks, as she said, to decide she didn't want to go then I would completely agree with you.

    Regardless of what fmil did, waiting a few weeks to back out is rude. Its all in the timing, hopefully you can see that difference.

    Ever hear the phrase, two wrongs don't make a right? This is a prime example.
    -----------


    Totally get it, looks like I missed how much time elapsed between the FMIL picking a place and the OP declining. For some reason the facts of this thread are very confusing to me. . . but yes timing is everything. Maybe the OP has a tough time with confrontation and didn't know how to bring it up.

    We get brides on here that decline things when what was offered wasn't "nice enough" or didn't fit their sky high expectations or vision. This really does not seem like the case.

    It's all good!
    photokitty
  • Jen4948 said:
    There are a few different things going on here.

    (1) Is anyone coming from out of town? If so, asking them to come in on Thursday for a rehearsal for a Saturday wedding seems uncool.

    (2) Asking people to come to a rehearsal on Thursday, a dinner on Friday, and the wedding on Saturday also seems uncool.

    (3) If the in-laws are paying, then they have to attend. You can't take their money and then not accommodate them.

    If it was me, I'd nix the rehearsal altogether. Just have dinner with the in-laws on Wednesday or Tuesday or any other day besides Thursday or Friday.
    Thursday is the only day that the venue will allow them to rehearse.
    Which is why the post says to nix the rehearsal.
    STARMOON44
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    There are a few different things going on here.

    (1) Is anyone coming from out of town? If so, asking them to come in on Thursday for a rehearsal for a Saturday wedding seems uncool.

    (2) Asking people to come to a rehearsal on Thursday, a dinner on Friday, and the wedding on Saturday also seems uncool.

    (3) If the in-laws are paying, then they have to attend. You can't take their money and then not accommodate them.

    If it was me, I'd nix the rehearsal altogether. Just have dinner with the in-laws on Wednesday or Tuesday or any other day besides Thursday or Friday.
    Thursday is the only day that the venue will allow them to rehearse.
    Which is why the post says to nix the rehearsal.
    Should also nix the dinner.  If the FMIL wants to host so badly, she needs to come up with a time, place, and occasion that works for everyone.  Her plans work for nobody but herself and her FSIL, who is not the honoree of the occasion.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I do agree with you photokitty, that the OP should have declined FMIL's dinner offer from the get go, not agreed to a restaurant/time/location that didn't work and then a few weeks later backed out.

    I think a few us missed the time frame of the OP agreeing to and then declining FMILs dinner. However, I think we all agree that the Friday dinner cannot be a rehearsal dinner if the rehearsal is Friday.

    I do still stand to my point that just because FMIL cannot attend the rehearsal does not mean that the OP and her FI cannot have a rehearsal with dinner afterwards on the Thursday (obviously FMIL would not be hosting this anymore). I think this is a separate issue from going to dinner with FMIL and family on the Friday. 

    It is never wrong to decline an offer to attend an event, or to decline someone else's offer to host an event. But agreeing to, and then backing out is less than ideal. At this point, I would suck it up and go to the Friday dinner (NOT as a rehearsal dinner) with FMIL and family.
    Jen4948PrettyGirlLostPupatella
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2015

    Ok, after rereading the OP, I will agree that it doesn't say that the FMIL is pouting, but it does mention the "wrath" of the FSIL, and it also bothers me that the FMIL chose to host the dinner, ostensibly in "honor" of the OP and her FI, at a restaurant that isn't conveniently located for them, and that they don't like, after she asked for their input and they listed 12 other restaurants she could have chosen, which just happens to be the FSIL's favorite.  That's the point that bothers me-it still suggests a lack of concern by the would-be hostess for her ostensible "honorees'" feelings.

    So it seems to me that this is all happening because the FSIL is the one pouting and her mother is trying to appease her.  She should have shut up and butted out. 

    I'll agree that the timing is awkward too.  It can't be a rehearsal dinner because it won't immediately follow any rehearsal if it takes place on that Thursday when the FMIL and FSIL can't make it, but it does for me beg the questions: were the FMIL and FSIL aware from the get-go that the venue won't allow rehearsals on any other day?  And were they aware that the OP and her mother already had plans for that Friday?  If not, that's one thing, but if they were, then when the school thing came up, the FSIL at least needed to accept that a rehearsal dinner or hosting on Friday just wasn't going to work and to schedule the hosting for a time that did-which wasn't the day before the wedding.   

    Yeah, at this point I suppose the only thing the OP can do is go to their dinner, but I also think that she and her FI need to work out boundaries for his mother and sister for the future and enforce them, not automatically give in with the thought of "avoiding" stress because it just creates more stress.


    PrettyGirlLostSP29
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer


    Jen4948 said:

    There are a few different things going on here.

    (1) Is anyone coming from out of town? If so, asking them to come in on Thursday for a rehearsal for a Saturday wedding seems uncool.

    (2) Asking people to come to a rehearsal on Thursday, a dinner on Friday, and the wedding on Saturday also seems uncool.

    (3) If the in-laws are paying, then they have to attend. You can't take their money and then not accommodate them.

    If it was me, I'd nix the rehearsal altogether. Just have dinner with the in-laws on Wednesday or Tuesday or any other day besides Thursday or Friday.

    Thursday is the only day that the venue will allow them to rehearse.

    Which is why the post says to nix the rehearsal.


    The OPs parents are paying for the RD, which is following the rehearsal on Thursday. The ILs are not paying for the RD.

    The ILs offered to host a dinner for the couple on Friday night. It's not clear who is invited to that event beyond the couple, but even if the WP is invited, they aren't obligated to attend.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    SP29
  • Jen4948 said:
    There are a few different things going on here.

    (1) Is anyone coming from out of town? If so, asking them to come in on Thursday for a rehearsal for a Saturday wedding seems uncool.

    (2) Asking people to come to a rehearsal on Thursday, a dinner on Friday, and the wedding on Saturday also seems uncool.

    (3) If the in-laws are paying, then they have to attend. You can't take their money and then not accommodate them.

    If it was me, I'd nix the rehearsal altogether. Just have dinner with the in-laws on Wednesday or Tuesday or any other day besides Thursday or Friday.
    Thursday is the only day that the venue will allow them to rehearse.
    Which is why the post says to nix the rehearsal.
    The OPs parents are paying for the RD, which is following the rehearsal on Thursday. The ILs are not paying for the RD. The ILs offered to host a dinner for the couple on Friday night. It's not clear who is invited to that event beyond the couple, but even if the WP is invited, they aren't obligated to attend.
    That has nothing to do with what's been said. The post says if it was me, I'd nix the rehearsal altogether (no rehearsal, no RD, no matter who is paying) and have dinner with the in laws on another day. In other words, since Thursday doesn't work for the ILs and Friday doesn't work for the bride, just forget the rehearsal as it isn't even required and just have a regular dinner with the ILs on another night.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    How about just having the rehearsal on Friday somewhere else just not in the ceremony space.My wedding was outside, and it was absolutely pouring the day before, we rehearsed inside the reception area, just for timing. We also had a coordinator that pointed out where we would walk at the actual wedding, so it wasn't a big deal.

    Just because the ceremony space is only available on Thursday doesn't mean you have to use it and do it there.

    OP can still do her spa day in the earlier part of the day. The in laws can still host their dinner.  

    I would have fought harder about not having the dinner in the city though. My wedding was in X town, about 30 minutes of Y town (where in laws live). They thought about having the rehearsal in Y town, but my husband shut that down because it was too far.
    image
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  • How about just having the rehearsal on Friday somewhere else just not in the ceremony space.My wedding was outside, and it was absolutely pouring the day before, we rehearsed inside the reception area, just for timing. We also had a coordinator that pointed out where we would walk at the actual wedding, so it wasn't a big deal.

    Just because the ceremony space is only available on Thursday doesn't mean you have to use it and do it there.

    OP can still do her spa day in the earlier part of the day. The in laws can still host their dinner.  

    I would have fought harder about not having the dinner in the city though. My wedding was in X town, about 30 minutes of Y town (where in laws live). They thought about having the rehearsal in Y town, but my husband shut that down because it was too far.

    That's what I did. Our wedding was out in suburbia, ILs chose to stay downtown. Our rehearsal was Thurs for a Fri wedding and since ILs are out of state they asked us to choose RD locations and we gave them some options. They then said they wanted to do it downtown, which was not convenient for anyone and would be a headache getting to after the rehearsal, parking etc. H didn't want to push back but I made him and had him explain why it made since to do the restaurant 5 min from the rehearsal vs 30 min away or longer depending on traffic and parking issues. In the end they liked the restaurant nearby and it worked out great. Having it downtown would have been a pain
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    scribe95 said:
    I think if my inlaws had had a legit work reason they couldn't attend the rehearsal dinner and we went ahead and had it without them they would have been hurt. That's a big prewedding event they don't get to be part of.
    That is exactly how I feel.    But then again I like and respect my MIL.  For the record she didn't pay for the RD, however her attendance was important to us.   

    The OP  admitted that she doesn't feel close to that side of the family.  So while her own family's attendance seems important, her in-laws are not.   Just the way life is.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    There are a few different things going on here.

    (1) Is anyone coming from out of town? If so, asking them to come in on Thursday for a rehearsal for a Saturday wedding seems uncool.

    (2) Asking people to come to a rehearsal on Thursday, a dinner on Friday, and the wedding on Saturday also seems uncool.

    (3) If the in-laws are paying, then they have to attend. You can't take their money and then not accommodate them.

    If it was me, I'd nix the rehearsal altogether. Just have dinner with the in-laws on Wednesday or Tuesday or any other day besides Thursday or Friday.
    Thursday is the only day that the venue will allow them to rehearse.
    Which is why the post says to nix the rehearsal.
    The OPs parents are paying for the RD, which is following the rehearsal on Thursday. The ILs are not paying for the RD. The ILs offered to host a dinner for the couple on Friday night. It's not clear who is invited to that event beyond the couple, but even if the WP is invited, they aren't obligated to attend.
    That has nothing to do with what's been said. The post says if it was me, I'd nix the rehearsal altogether (no rehearsal, no RD, no matter who is paying) and have dinner with the in laws on another day. In other words, since Thursday doesn't work for the ILs and Friday doesn't work for the bride, just forget the rehearsal as it isn't even required and just have a regular dinner with the ILs on another night.
    What?  My response had everything to do with what was said.

    You said "If the in-laws are paying, then they have to attend"  to which I responded that the ILs were not hosting the RD- the bride's parents are.  So they don't have to be there.

    Why cancel a rehearsal just because two ppl can't attend?  If everyone else can make the Thursday rehearsal, and the couple wants to rehearse, then that's fine.  The MIL and SIL don't *have* to attend- no one does.   Plus, it doesn't seem that the couple is actually all that close with the MIL and SIL. . . hence part of the reason they don't want to do another dinner on Friday.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    JediElizabeth[Deleted User]SP29EunoiaPhoenix
  • I would like to reply to all of the above. Boy no wonder why people dont like to post on the internet, being called a psycho is a bit much. You are taking little information given and going a little far dont you think. I am not a young bride, this is my first wedding along with my FI's as well. At this point in our lives I would say we dont have to have anything that doesn't fit us as a couple. There are a lot more issues than them not being able to make the rehearsal on Thursday. I cant move the rehearsal to another venue, my venue is having the ceremony and the reception. I let his Mother  and sister know almost a year in advance what the date was. I have also asked them to be apart of other things such as the taste testing at the venue and the declined to yet another school function. This is her oldest child and last child to get married, I would think at some point something would be priority in order for her to make certain things work for everyone. We shouldn't have to ask everyone to get together 3 separate days in a row, only one person is coming in from out of town and that is the BM. I am not sure why people have to be rude when I am just looking for a generic reply, being hateful is no sort of way to make a bride feel when obviously they are in a predicament. If we felt like we were more part of their family I could see where you are coming from, but you only have a snippet of information. I appreciate all the kind and nice responses and value everyone's opinion. What makes people different is an opinion, which is why I asked a pretty normal question. I definitely wasn't expecting such hateful comments and I am one to be open to different opinions but when you phrase in such a manner, who would ever take you seriously. Next time you should think before you speak and take others peoples feeling into perspective. Honestly I think a rehearsal and dinner is a little much, I have never seen the point of them whether it is 20-200 people that come. My stress level is different than probably yours or someone else's which again makes us different. I have separated parents, my dad and stepmom could care less that I am finally getting married, we also get the same feeling from his parents, the only thing making this a little exciting for us is that my mom and stepdad are over the moon that we finally found our person at the point in our lives that we did. So having such negative people there again the day we get married when having to spend the night before with all of them sound a little stressful to me. I didnt know at what point in my life I would get married. But goodness forgive me if I want to have a little alone time in a spa the day before I get married. I wish for all you peace love and happiness!
    EunoiaPhoenix
  • I would like to reply to all of the above. Boy no wonder why people dont like to post on the internet, being called a psycho is a bit much. You are taking little information given and going a little far dont you think. I am not a young bride, this is my first wedding along with my FI's as well. At this point in our lives I would say we dont have to have anything that doesn't fit us as a couple. There are a lot more issues than them not being able to make the rehearsal on Thursday. I cant move the rehearsal to another venue, my venue is having the ceremony and the reception. I let his Mother  and sister know almost a year in advance what the date was. I have also asked them to be apart of other things such as the taste testing at the venue and the declined to yet another school function. This is her oldest child and last child to get married, I would think at some point something would be priority in order for her to make certain things work for everyone. We shouldn't have to ask everyone to get together 3 separate days in a row, only one person is coming in from out of town and that is the BM. I am not sure why people have to be rude when I am just looking for a generic reply, being hateful is no sort of way to make a bride feel when obviously they are in a predicament. If we felt like we were more part of their family I could see where you are coming from, but you only have a snippet of information. I appreciate all the kind and nice responses and value everyone's opinion. What makes people different is an opinion, which is why I asked a pretty normal question. I definitely wasn't expecting such hateful comments and I am one to be open to different opinions but when you phrase in such a manner, who would ever take you seriously. Next time you should think before you speak and take others peoples feeling into perspective. Honestly I think a rehearsal and dinner is a little much, I have never seen the point of them whether it is 20-200 people that come. My stress level is different than probably yours or someone else's which again makes us different. I have separated parents, my dad and stepmom could care less that I am finally getting married, we also get the same feeling from his parents, the only thing making this a little exciting for us is that my mom and stepdad are over the moon that we finally found our person at the point in our lives that we did. So having such negative people there again the day we get married when having to spend the night before with all of them sound a little stressful to me. I didnt know at what point in my life I would get married. But goodness forgive me if I want to have a little alone time in a spa the day before I get married. I wish for all you peace love and happiness!
    JIC

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    [Deleted User]
  • Also they are going to host our brunch the following day. I do not want to exclude them as I do love them but I also don't want to have it be a hassle for everyone to get to together so many days in a row. I am trying to look out for the best interest of everyone, I am a very much a people pleaser even though people are casting judgement that I do not care about my MIL or SIL which is completely false, but a little compromise on behalf of everyone is a great thing. 
    EunoiaPhoenix
  • It was one and half weeks later and no I hate confrontation completely, we were on our way to our taste testing when she called about the rehearsal dinner. So i just said fine do whatever, feeling being hurt since she already declined going to a once in a lifetime opportunity with her son and dil. 
    EunoiaPhoenix
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2015
    A rehearsal and dinner is not a once in a lifetime event.  He son getting married?  That is a once in a lifetime event.  These are two separate things so make sure you separate them in your mind when getting frustrated with your FMIL.  She has a job that requires things and unfortunately one of those things falls on the Thursday of your rehearsal.  There is nothing she can do about it.

    OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • OP I don't think anyone has been particularly rude to you they are just pointing out that agreeing to do something and then canceling is rude. You know what I say when someone suggests something I don't want to do and I don't really have time to get back to them? I say that I'll call them back and discuss it the next day. It's never OK to agree to something and then wait a week and a half and change your mind. For all you know your FMIL has put down a deposit for the event now and it can't be refunded.

    Also you keep saying that you don't want to force everyone to go to something for a third night in a row. Well you don't have to. Your FMIL can invite them but they don't have to go. Or you don't have to invite them at all. 

    Finally you keep saying that you don't feel like family with your FMIL and FSIL. Maybe that's partially on you too. I love my future ILs but I feel like either way I would suck it up and go to dinner with them. It can't take more than a couple of hours out of your night and maybe this will help everyone involved feel a little more like family. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I never said rehearsal or dinner was a once in a lifetime event, her sons wedding is and so is a test tasting in my opinion. I completely understand she has a job and that is a priority for her and her daughter. She at one point said she could take off and get a sub for her for that night, her daughter is the one that cant now that isnt even an option so how is that fair to us.  There are a lot of details I have not given,  I dont feel like typing a whole book, just generic points were good to make. In all fairness this isnt the first thing she couldnt make due to school or other things she considered important. Why should my experience be taken away of having all of the normal things a bride should have because one person who isnt even in the wedding couldnt make it? If his mom decided that she did want to get a sub and his sister couldnt I should have the opportunity taken away from me for having a rehearsal at the actual venue. We asked his mother if she could have a rehearsal dinner a different day or week and she said that we all just got together and there was no reason to. So when do I stop fighting the battle of someone else making things completely complicated when this whole time I have tried to include the family and make it as less complicated as possible???
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I never said rehearsal or dinner was a once in a lifetime event, her sons wedding is and so is a test tasting in my opinion. I completely understand she has a job and that is a priority for her and her daughter. She at one point said she could take off and get a sub for her for that night, her daughter is the one that cant now that isnt even an option so how is that fair to us.  There are a lot of details I have not given,  I dont feel like typing a whole book, just generic points were good to make. In all fairness this isnt the first thing she couldnt make due to school or other things she considered important. Why should my experience be taken away of having all of the normal things a bride should have because one person who isnt even in the wedding couldnt make it? If his mom decided that she did want to get a sub and his sister couldnt I should have the opportunity taken away from me for having a rehearsal at the actual venue. We asked his mother if she could have a rehearsal dinner a different day or week and she said that we all just got together and there was no reason to. So when do I stop fighting the battle of someone else making things completely complicated when this whole time I have tried to include the family and make it as less complicated as possible???
    You have to be kidding me with the bolded.  Tasting food is a once in a lifetime event?  No.

    Second bolded.  Really?  You can still have a damn rehearsal and dinner on Thursday!

    Look, in the end this is your FI family.  He should be the one to decide what, in the end, you two should do.  If he thinks that it is best to suck it up and go to the dinner on Friday, then go.  If he thinks it is best to cancel, then cancel.


    On a side note, yes it is rude to cancel after you agree to something.  But in life sometimes you change your mind or after thinking about what you agreed to you realize it is not the best idea at the moment.  Yes, it is rude to cancel, but sometimes canceling is the best thing to do.  Feelings get hurt, but all you can do is apologize profusely and move on.

    SP29bride2b71614adwksPrettyGirlLost
  • Someone calling me psycho and I don't love or like my in-laws...that's pretty rude in my opinion. Have you read every response? Some of the things are pretty rude from someone not knowing me and exactly what has transpired. No people dont have to show up, but I am sure if they get invited to something they will feel a little pressure to show up. We have a very small party so if the best man or maid of honor doesnt show up then 1/6 of the wedding party isnt showing up, its me, him, bm, moh, flower girl and ringbearer. Why wouldnt we invite them if it such a small party, then doesnt that look rude? Or maybe its not me...maybe that is it. Maybe that his mom has always treated him extremely different from his brother and sister and this situation isnt much different than how the rest of his life has gone how about that? I wont get into that either, but lets just if he has a blue collar job it isnt quite up her alley. He has always been the blacksheep of the family so yeah if I am marrying him maybe so then maybe I am not good enough for their family since he has never been? Even though that is totally not fair or the case so dont say nasty things like that. That is exactly what I am saying, rude people I tell you when you only know a quarter of the whole deal. I shouldnt even be explaining myself but I have never been in situation where I felt like I needed to defend myself so much and I shouldnt have to. You are right I probably shouldnt of agreed to it but I was under pressure and trying to make them happy and so I finally gave in and after sitting on it for a week I was sick of feeling like it was not what we wanted so he had the talk. She did have to put a deposit down which I said I would pay for however we are now applying that deposit to the brunch the day after the wedding so no money was lost. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Someone calling me psycho and I don't love or like my in-laws...that's pretty rude in my opinion. Have you read every response? Some of the things are pretty rude from someone not knowing me and exactly what has transpired. No people dont have to show up, but I am sure if they get invited to something they will feel a little pressure to show up. We have a very small party so if the best man or maid of honor doesnt show up then 1/6 of the wedding party isnt showing up, its me, him, bm, moh, flower girl and ringbearer. Why wouldnt we invite them if it such a small party, then doesnt that look rude? Or maybe its not me...maybe that is it. Maybe that his mom has always treated him extremely different from his brother and sister and this situation isnt much different than how the rest of his life has gone how about that? I wont get into that either, but lets just if he has a blue collar job it isnt quite up her alley. He has always been the blacksheep of the family so yeah if I am marrying him maybe so then maybe I am not good enough for their family since he has never been? Even though that is totally not fair or the case so dont say nasty things like that. That is exactly what I am saying, rude people I tell you when you only know a quarter of the whole deal. I shouldnt even be explaining myself but I have never been in situation where I felt like I needed to defend myself so much and I shouldnt have to. You are right I probably shouldnt of agreed to it but I was under pressure and trying to make them happy and so I finally gave in and after sitting on it for a week I was sick of feeling like it was not what we wanted so he had the talk. She did have to put a deposit down which I said I would pay for however we are now applying that deposit to the brunch the day after the wedding so no money was lost. 
    Who are you even responding to?

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It's not FMIL's fault that the school scheduled teacher conferences for the that night.  She has no control over those things.  And sorry, if I was a parent I would be a little miffed at a sub for teach night.  Sorrynotsorry.


    Why can't you just ask FMIL to host a small dinner with just you, your FI, siblings and parents the night before?   No WP invites.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    adwksPrettyGirlLost
  • Someone calling me psycho and I don't love or like my in-laws...that's pretty rude in my opinion. Have you read every response? Some of the things are pretty rude from someone not knowing me and exactly what has transpired. No people dont have to show up, but I am sure if they get invited to something they will feel a little pressure to show up. We have a very small party so if the best man or maid of honor doesnt show up then 1/6 of the wedding party isnt showing up, its me, him, bm, moh, flower girl and ringbearer. Why wouldnt we invite them if it such a small party, then doesnt that look rude? Or maybe its not me...maybe that is it. Maybe that his mom has always treated him extremely different from his brother and sister and this situation isnt much different than how the rest of his life has gone how about that? I wont get into that either, but lets just if he has a blue collar job it isnt quite up her alley. He has always been the blacksheep of the family so yeah if I am marrying him maybe so then maybe I am not good enough for their family since he has never been? Even though that is totally not fair or the case so dont say nasty things like that. That is exactly what I am saying, rude people I tell you when you only know a quarter of the whole deal. I shouldnt even be explaining myself but I have never been in situation where I felt like I needed to defend myself so much and I shouldnt have to. You are right I probably shouldnt of agreed to it but I was under pressure and trying to make them happy and so I finally gave in and after sitting on it for a week I was sick of feeling like it was not what we wanted so he had the talk. She did have to put a deposit down which I said I would pay for however we are now applying that deposit to the brunch the day after the wedding so no money was lost. 
    I haven't read every single post word for word, but I don't remember anyone calling you a psycho? 

    To the rest of the bolded, it sounds like this situation between your FI and his sister and Mom goes wayyy beyond just this rehearsal dinner. I totally get that you want to make your FMIL happy, and you want to try to bring peace between your FI and his Mom, but this is not your battle. Let FI deal with his Mom the way he feels is best, and just support him.

    [Deleted User]SP29PrettyGirlLost
  • edited September 2015
    SP29 said:
    Yeah but she's saying "thanks but no thanks" to his mother being able to attend the rehearsal dinner at all so she can go to the spa. That's just so selfish, and childish, and wrong I can't even with it. I mean sure, totes "correct" I guess but don't come crying when his whole family thinks you're a psycho. 


  • edited September 2015
    This is what I am referring to above and I am responding to everyone. 
     She wasnt saying per say that I am, but that they may think that. Really dont think this is psycho behavior asking for others opinons and up for suggestions on figuring out the best case scenario. Thats all I was asking for was some good suggestions on what I should do in order to smooth out the situation. I understand like I said she has previous engagements. We tried to figure out options that were best suited for all of us and the only one they had was Friday so I gave in and said ok because I felt pressured when I should of stuck to my ground and said no I am not ok with that. 

  • This is what I am referring to above and I am responding to everyone. 
     She wasnt saying per say that I am, but that they may think that. Really dont think this is psycho behavior asking for others opinons and up for suggestions on figuring out the best case scenario. Thats all I was asking for was some good suggestions on what I should do in order to smooth out the situation. I understand like I said she has previous engagements. We tried to figure out options that were best suited for all of us and the only one they had was Friday so I gave in and said ok because I felt pressured when I should of stuck to my ground and said no I am not ok with that. 

    Gotcha. Okay *hugs* because yes that comment was harsh.

    As for smoothing out the situation, I would defer to your FI since he knows his Mom and sister best. If he doesn't want to do anything about it, (it sounds like he may be sick of being hurt by his Mom and sister), then I would just leave this alone. It seems to me that you already came to a good compromise of having a brunch together on Sunday which sounds nice!!

    [Deleted User]Jen4948SP29JediElizabeth
  • I agree, I would defer to your FI on this. If he thinks you should go to dinner, then go, but if he's fine to leave it as cancelled, then stick with it. 

    You could also make the Friday dinner just you and his family.
    [Deleted User]PupatellaPrettyGirlLost
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This is what I am referring to above and I am responding to everyone. 
     She wasnt saying per say that I am, but that they may think that. Really dont think this is psycho behavior asking for others opinons and up for suggestions on figuring out the best case scenario. Thats all I was asking for was some good suggestions on what I should do in order to smooth out the situation. I understand like I said she has previous engagements. We tried to figure out options that were best suited for all of us and the only one they had was Friday so I gave in and said ok because I felt pressured when I should of stuck to my ground and said no I am not ok with that. 

    Dude, reading comprehension.  She did not call you a psycho, so please stop fixating on that sentence.  You got a lot of good advice here.  Now decide what to take to heart, what to discard, and what to do, after talking with your FI of course.  And when you reply to people, hit "quote" not "reply" so we know to whom you're speaking.



    adwksSTARMOON44
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