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Etiquette

Friends Don't Respond to Engagement News

I don't have Facebook, so for some of my friends, the first news of my engagement was an electronic Save the Date that we had to send out a year in advance (we live in Colorado, and lodging in the area of our venue was already booking up fast). I received heartfelt congratulations from about half the people to whom I sent the Save the Dates, but some of the folks I would have expected to hear from haven't replied--it's been two weeks. I realize that it's not standard to reply to a Save the Date, but if someone I knew and cared about got engaged, and took the time to send me a Save the Date, I would at least say, "congratulations". Now, I realize it would be rude of me not to send them an invitation if I sent a Save the Date, but just curious if anyone thinks this is poor etiquette on my friends' part. It just doesn't sit well with me, and I'm now less enthusiastic to have these folks at my wedding. 
KnotRiley
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Re: Friends Don't Respond to Engagement News

  • I don't have Facebook, so for some of my friends, the first news of my engagement was an electronic Save the Date that we had to send out a year in advance (we live in Colorado, and lodging in the area of our venue was already booking up fast). I received heartfelt congratulations from about half the people to whom I sent the Save the Dates, but some of the folks I would have expected to hear from haven't replied--it's been two weeks. I realize that it's not standard to reply to a Save the Date, but if someone I knew and cared about got engaged, and took the time to send me a Save the Date, I would at least say, "congratulations". Now, I realize it would be rude of me not to send them an invitation if I sent a Save the Date, but just curious if anyone thinks this is poor etiquette on my friends' part. It just doesn't sit well with me, and I'm now less enthusiastic to have these folks at my wedding. 
    I think you are overthinking this. It's only been two weeks. Summer just ended, we had a long weekend. For some people it's back-to-school time, for many people they are busy playing catch-up after vacations, etc. Chill out, enjoy the fact that you are engaged (congrats, by the way!) and start looking forward to the rest of your life together with your FI.
    cotton8744[Deleted User]
  • Ditto @Maggie0829.  People have lives and they are busy.  Yeah, a HUGE thing just happened in your YOUR life, but not theirs.  Just because they didn't rush to respond doesn't mean they don't care about you.

    There is a reason these people are in your lives.  They have been good friends, family, love you supported you, been there for you.

    You will be "that" bride who loses friends and relationships if you are already in a funk and regretting inviting people just because they didn't respond to your STD.  They are in your life because of the relationship you have now and that has nothing to do with your wedding.  I strongly encourage you to change your thinking here, or you might have less friends come your wedding.

    zitiqueenOliveOilsMom[Deleted User]huskypuppy14
  • I would probably be more offended I got a mass email from a close friend than a quick text saying hey! I'm engaged! Unless you got engaged and that same week planned your wedding, got your venue - the only way you can actually have a date secured- then I'd possibly be hurt I wasn't informed of this big moment in your life until I got a mass email. I'm all for electronic STDs, I did those myself but that is not how you inform your close friends you are engaged, IMO. And I never put my engagement on fb either. I picked up the phone and called or texted my friends and family.

    Whoa, missed that part.  OP, you may have some people here who have some hurt feelings.
    charcoalandblush[Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Let it go.

    Sadly, not everyone responds to good news by email or social media.  Even though they didn't respond with congratulations, they may be saving the date anyway.

    Or they may be dealing with their own issues.  Your engagement isn't the only thing going on in their lives.

    Or they just need more time to respond.

    But holding grudges over it and deciding who to invite or not invite on the basis of it comes off as spiteful and makes me wonder if you are mature enough to get married.

  • PupatellaPupatella member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2015
    I don't have Facebook, so for some of my friends, the first news of my engagement was an electronic Save the Date that we had to send out a year in advance (we live in Colorado, and lodging in the area of our venue was already booking up fast). I received heartfelt congratulations from about half the people to whom I sent the Save the Dates, but some of the folks I would have expected to hear from haven't replied--it's been two weeks. I realize that it's not standard to reply to a Save the Date, but if someone I knew and cared about got engaged, and took the time to send me a Save the Date, I would at least say, "congratulations". Now, I realize it would be rude of me not to send them an invitation if I sent a Save the Date, but just curious if anyone thinks this is poor etiquette on my friends' part. It just doesn't sit well with me, and I'm now less enthusiastic to have these folks at my wedding. 
    So it sounds like you don't talk to these people often that you were expecting to hear a congrats from? I wouldn't take it personally as they will probably congratulate you the next time you talk to them.

    Agree with PP's that I would be a little taken aback if someone I was very close to didn't tell me she was engaged, and the first I heard about it was an STD (electronic or otherwise). BUT, if I don't keep in contact with the person on a consistent basis, and the STD was the first I heard of the engagement, I may or may not reach out right away depending on how busy I am. Doesn't mean I'm not planning on attending.

    My FI and I sent STD's to a few of his immediate family members that we don't talk to and have never met (his Mom asked us to invite them so we did), and we heard NOTHING from them. When we sent out the invitations, they sent back the RSVP, but still no personalized congrats. Am I offended? Nope! I'm sure they'll say congratulations at the wedding and we can catch up then.

    Edited because I am brain dead and can't type...need coffee...

    spockforprezPrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • The others have said it perfectly. If you were as close to these friends as you claim to be, maybe you should have actually told them that you were engaged when it happened. I would be pretty hurt if I only found out through a save the date.



    STARMOON44sparklepants41[Deleted User]
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Yeah I'm gonna have to agree with everyone else on this. Some of my own family members, who I sent personal texts to when I got engaged, never responded. It happens.

    Take some advice from the gif of TSwizzle in my siggy. She knows what's up.

    SP29thespeshulestsnowflake
  • I don't have Facebook, so for some of my friends, the first news of my engagement was an electronic Save the Date that we had to send out a year in advance (we live in Colorado, and lodging in the area of our venue was already booking up fast). I received heartfelt congratulations from about half the people to whom I sent the Save the Dates, but some of the folks I would have expected to hear from haven't replied--it's been two weeks. I realize that it's not standard to reply to a Save the Date, but if someone I knew and cared about got engaged, and took the time to send me a Save the Date, I would at least say, "congratulations". Now, I realize it would be rude of me not to send them an invitation if I sent a Save the Date, but just curious if anyone thinks this is poor etiquette on my friends' part. It just doesn't sit well with me, and I'm now less enthusiastic to have these folks at my wedding. 
    I tried to call my closest friends before posting to Facebook. I was lucky because we were driving back from my mom's in MS, so that was an 8 hour drive - ample time to call everyone I loved and tell them my great news. 

    In lieu of Facebook, I would have called them or texted them first. Text for the quick responses you were looking for. 

    If a true friend has a problem with you or your partner, try to have a conversation with them. If they still sound uneasy, try to clear the air with them. 

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    redoryx
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    AJC430 said:
    I don't have Facebook, so for some of my friends, the first news of my engagement was an electronic Save the Date that we had to send out a year in advance (we live in Colorado, and lodging in the area of our venue was already booking up fast). I received heartfelt congratulations from about half the people to whom I sent the Save the Dates, but some of the folks I would have expected to hear from haven't replied--it's been two weeks. I realize that it's not standard to reply to a Save the Date, but if someone I knew and cared about got engaged, and took the time to send me a Save the Date, I would at least say, "congratulations". Now, I realize it would be rude of me not to send them an invitation if I sent a Save the Date, but just curious if anyone thinks this is poor etiquette on my friends' part. It just doesn't sit well with me, and I'm now less enthusiastic to have these folks at my wedding. 
    I tried to call my closest friends before posting to Facebook. I was lucky because we were driving back from my mom's in MS, so that was an 8 hour drive - ample time to call everyone I loved and tell them my great news. 

    In lieu of Facebook, I would have called them or texted them first. Text for the quick responses you were looking for. 

    If a true friend has a problem with you or your partner, try to have a conversation with them. If they still sound uneasy, try to clear the air with them. 
    Where are you getting that?



    redoryx
  • Hey everyone, she doesn't have Facebook.  I mean how else was she to notify people?  Facebook is the only way!
    Wait. I shouldn't have called/texted people? Crap. Redo!
    kimmiinthemitten
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Hey everyone, she doesn't have Facebook.  I mean how else was she to notify people?  Facebook is the only way!
    Wait. I shouldn't have called/texted people? Crap. Redo!
    Nope.  Facebook is the only way to let people know what is happening in your life.  So you should FB message those people and apologize for not using the proper means to let them know about your engagement.

    [Deleted User]
  • Hey everyone, she doesn't have Facebook.  I mean how else was she to notify people?  Facebook is the only way!
    Wait. I shouldn't have called/texted people? Crap. Redo!
    Nope.  Facebook is the only way to let people know what is happening in your life.  So you should FB message those people and apologize for not using the proper means to let them know about your engagement.
    Will do. Damn can't believe I messed this up. But I did change my relationship status. It went from single to engaged because I never changed it to dating. I'm sure that confused some people.
    redoryxMaggie0829[Deleted User]
  • @viczaesar I mean that occasionally people you love genuinely don't like your partner or your relationship with your partner. Let them put it all on the table. If they still don't like it, cross them off your list. 

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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    AJC430 said:
    @viczaesar I mean that occasionally people you love genuinely don't like your partner or your relationship with your partner. Let them put it all on the table. If they still don't like it, cross them off your list. 
    But there's absolutely nothing in the OP that indicates that is in any way a problem, so don't go borrowing trouble.  OP has no reason to assume that they haven't contacted her personally in response to her STDs to congratulate her because they don't like her FI.  Telling her to let them tell her if they don't like her SO is bizarre advice in this context.



    SP29lc07[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • So I got engaged before Facebook. What did I do? I called or told people in person. Even if FB had been around - I still would have done it that way. I wouldn't have "announced" on FB, instead of personally contacting those I care about.

    However, my mom did put an engagement announcement in the paper. My then 16 year old cousin read the paper and said to his mom, " Hey, did you know YogaSandy is engaged?" His mom forgot to tell him. Of course, I could have told him personally. He was quite a bit younger than I was, and we weren't close. I just assumed his parents would tell him.
  • Viczaesar said:
    AJC430 said:
    @viczaesar I mean that occasionally people you love genuinely don't like your partner or your relationship with your partner. Let them put it all on the table. If they still don't like it, cross them off your list. 
    But there's absolutely nothing in the OP that indicates that is in any way a problem, so don't go borrowing trouble.  OP has no reason to assume that they haven't contacted her personally in response to her STDs to congratulate her because they don't like her FI.  Telling her to let them tell her if they don't like her SO is bizarre advice in this context.
    I understand your point but it's not completely off advice. She was upset to the point of being "less enthused to invite them to her wedding," which is kind of a big deal. But neither here nor there. 

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