NWR: Baby Related, Looking for Some Insight and Advice

lyndausvi

bostonbride2015 said:

KatWAG said:

I still don't understand why OP's mom is going to the first ped visit. Did we get an answer to that one?

Mom is going to be the primary caretaker for OP's kid while OP is working and OP wants her to be able meet the doctor so she can take the kid to doctor's appointments.  

which by default will become the favored grandmother.  Which might be why MIL's nose is getting bent out of shape.

Not that one has to cater to her, but they should be sensitive to that point.

simcal18

lyndausvi said:

bostonbride2015 said:

KatWAG said:

I still don't understand why OP's mom is going to the first ped visit. Did we get an answer to that one?

Mom is going to be the primary caretaker for OP's kid while OP is working and OP wants her to be able meet the doctor so she can take the kid to doctor's appointments.  

which by default will become the favored grandmother.  Which might be why MIL's noes is getting bent out of shape.

Not that one has to cater to her, but it should be sensitive.

Yep.  When one grandma is taking care of kiddo on a regular basis, it's usually a good idea to make extra sure that "other" grandma is not feeling shut out.  Not that their time with kiddo needs to be equal--obviously it will never be equal if one grandma is getting 40 hours a week of child care.  But it's nice to make sure that non-caretaking grandma is getting some quality time with kiddo as well to the extent that she wants it and it's feasible for the family.  Shutting her out for the first week of kiddo's life is not a good start on that front.

cgss11

Keep in mind though, full time caretaker grandma will have to wear more hats than just Grandma.

I experienced this when I was a nanny to my niece for her first 6 years. I was "nanny" during weekday, which meant sometimes disciplining, causing tantrums, having to say "no", etc. My other sister however was just fun aunt - gave her ice cream before dinner, extra treats at the dollar store..you get the point.

So I definitely see how caregiver grandma gets favored, but it won't always be fun and games for her, and she needs to have time to be both "caregiver" and "grandma".

Obviously this is all moot for the first 2/3 years, but something to keep in mind. I have feelings about the other stuff, but I feel like my judgement gets clouded a little because I live across country from both my parents and In laws.

ohmrs2014

bostonbride2015 said:

KatWAG said:

I still don't understand why OP's mom is going to the first ped visit. Did we get an answer to that one?

Mom is going to be the primary caretaker for OP's kid while OP is working and OP wants her to be able meet the doctor so she can take the kid to doctor's appointments.  

Yes, while I do want my mom to meet the doctor, it wasn't my idea for her to come to the first visit, it was DHs.  I was going to schedule a second meet and greet with the doctor for my mom to meet her.   I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny.  Introducing the doctor to the primary caretaker I feel is important because they are going to interact more than myself and the doctor.  Obviously any medical decisions will be made by myself and DH, but for normal checkups (that I can't get appointments for when I get home from work) and emergency sick appointments, it will be my mom bringing the baby.  But I do agree with PP points of it not having to be the first appointment. 

And I would never try to on purpose shut MIL out.  I think I have stated that.  My real only issue with her and SIL right now is their pushiness about waiting in the waiting room.  My request to have the 1st week to ourselves, as I have stated, may change, it may not.  That's how I feel right now and I do feel strongly, especially if I get no warning of a stop by and I'm in the middle of breastfeeding (if I am able to).

While yes, I can't control what others do, this post started off and obviously got off track from me and my feelings about the waiting room issue being not heard on numerous occasions and honestly feeling disrespected by that, which I find to be completely unfair because as others have stated, it is my body and apart of me does feel like my needs and wants should come before what others want in this situation and they aren't respecting that, IMO. 

monkeysip

southernbelle0915 said:

@Magfie0829 - avoiding crazy long quote trees because I'm on mobile, but responding to "what about her H's choice?" Her H is not the patient. Ohmrs is. He is there as a support person. Support people do not call the shots in the health care world - the patient does (as long as they're conscious and of sound mind). So she can for sure take his desires into account but she's the one birthing the baby and has the final say. And she SHOULD. Every birthing experience is different, but she could very easily be in labor for almost an entire day (mine was over 19 hours) and be f-ing exhausted. She might want a few hours or even a day to recoup, maybe even shower, before in-laws barge in demanding to hold the baby. Sure they CAN stalk the waiting room despite her requests not to...but I would find that super pushy and borderline inappropriate on their part. 

 I think her inlaws are making a mountain out of a molehill in pushing for this. She's not banning then from seeing the baby, she's just requesting a few hours or a day to recover. I really don't think that's crazy unreasonable.

QFT^^^^

southernbelle0915, congratulations on the baby!

Maggie0829

@southernbelle0915 - what I meant about her H's choice was in regards to AFTER the baby has arrived. I completely agree that OP has final say over what happens during labor, delivery and postpartum (well the doctors also have a pretty large say) but I do not believe she should have full say over who can or cannot see the baby and when.

If they are on the same page then great and the following is moot. But if her H wants his parents in the waiting room for a support system for him or wants them to come visit during the first week I feel like he has just as much of a right to have that as the OP has over who is and is not in the delivery room. This baby is both of theirs and I think there needs to be a compromise some where a long the line.

STARMOON44

If you're going to breastfeed, people will see your boobs. Like, it will happen. If they arrive while you're doing it, you can go into your bedroom if you really want, or just carry on.

ryanandjoe4

@Maggie0829 the OP is not being unreasonable, and yes DH should have a say, he is the one that has asked the OP mom to join the first Dr.visit, but the husband is there for support, I never understood the "sitting in the waiting room for support" so me knowing your uncomfortable waiting round for an unknown amount of time is not support, it's pressure get that baby out so we can see! I believe that DH should be the one telling them that they need to wait though less stress on the momma to be..

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

If you're going to breastfeed, people will see your boobs. Like, it will happen. If they arrive while you're doing it, you can go into your bedroom if you really want, or just carry on.

And if baby is like most, if awake, you'll either be in the middle of breastfeeding or just about to get back to it. Seriously. Newborns just nurse and nurse and nurse. DH would take 20 min a side every 2 hours or less during the day and during dinnertime it was nonstop. If you're able to nurse, you'll need to get comfortable doing it in front of others or you'll be a shut in. There are tons of covering options that help.

lyndausvi

banana468 said:

If you're going to breastfeed, people will see your boobs. Like, it will happen. If they arrive while you're doing it, you can go into your bedroom if you really want, or just carry on.

And if baby is like most, if awake, you'll either be in the middle of breastfeeding or just about to get back to it. Seriously. Newborns just nurse and nurse and nurse. DH would take 20 min a side every 2 hours or less during the day and during dinnertime it was nonstop. If you're able to nurse, you'll need to get comfortable doing it in front of others or you'll be a shut in. There are tons of covering options that help.

DH or DS?

huskypuppy14

Congratulations Southernbelle!

Maggie0829

ryanandjoe4 said:

@Maggie0829 the OP is not being unreasonable, and yes DH should have a say, he is the one that has asked the OP mom to join the first Dr.visit, but the husband is there for support, I never understood the "sitting in the waiting room for support" so me knowing your uncomfortable waiting round for an unknown amount of time is not support, it's pressure get that baby out so we can see! I believe that DH should be the one telling them that they need to wait though less stress on the momma to be..

But it is the in laws damn choice to sit there. It should have zero effect on OP and if it does that is because she is letting it. You can only control how you react, not the actions of others.

I personally think that when one tries to control everything they just end up stressing out more when really they should just be focusing on themselves and stop worrying so much about others.

Sorry not sorry but I think trying to control who can be in the waiting room is overkill. I also think that the father of the baby as more then just a support person. Yeah he may not be pushing the kid out but it is just as much of an emotional time (in a different yet same way) for him as it is for the Mom. So yeah I consider the Dad much more then just another support person.

hellohkb

I've been lurking this thread today, pretty interesting. Regardless, I'm hoping everything goes smoothly ohmrs!

lyndausvi said:

banana468 said:

If you're going to breastfeed, people will see your boobs. Like, it will happen. If they arrive while you're doing it, you can go into your bedroom if you really want, or just carry on.

And if baby is like most, if awake, you'll either be in the middle of breastfeeding or just about to get back to it. Seriously. Newborns just nurse and nurse and nurse. DH would take 20 min a side every 2 hours or less during the day and during dinnertime it was nonstop. If you're able to nurse, you'll need to get comfortable doing it in front of others or you'll be a shut in. There are tons of covering options that help.

DH or DS?

I was wondering the same thing. Was that a Freudian slip, banana?

lyndausvi

hellohkb said:

I've been lurking this thread today, pretty interesting. Regardless, I'm hoping everything goes smoothly ohmrs!

banana468 said:

If you're going to breastfeed, people will see your boobs. Like, it will happen. If they arrive while you're doing it, you can go into your bedroom if you really want, or just carry on.

And if baby is like most, if awake, you'll either be in the middle of breastfeeding or just about to get back to it. Seriously. Newborns just nurse and nurse and nurse. DH would take 20 min a side every 2 hours or less during the day and during dinnertime it was nonstop. If you're able to nurse, you'll need to get comfortable doing it in front of others or you'll be a shut in. There are tons of covering options that help.

DH or DS?

I was wondering the same thing. Was that a Freudian slip, banana?

I always thought her DH was good guy (we are FB friends).  But if he required 20 min per side breast-feedings every 2 hours, he must be one selfish and high maintenance a-hole.  They have toddler and a newborn you know.    And to think you think you know someone from FB

*** love ya @banana468

banana468

lyndausvi said:

hellohkb said:

I've been lurking this thread today, pretty interesting. Regardless, I'm hoping everything goes smoothly ohmrs!

lyndausvi said:

banana468 said:

If you're going to breastfeed, people will see your boobs. Like, it will happen. If they arrive while you're doing it, you can go into your bedroom if you really want, or just carry on.

And if baby is like most, if awake, you'll either be in the middle of breastfeeding or just about to get back to it. Seriously. Newborns just nurse and nurse and nurse. DH would take 20 min a side every 2 hours or less during the day and during dinnertime it was nonstop. If you're able to nurse, you'll need to get comfortable doing it in front of others or you'll be a shut in. There are tons of covering options that help.

DH or DS?

I was wondering the same thing. Was that a Freudian slip, banana?


I always thought her DH was good guy (we are FB friends).  But if he required 20 min per side breast-feedings every 2 hours, he must be one selfish and high maintenance a-hole.  They have toddler and a newborn you know.    And to think you think you know someone from FB

*** love ya @banana468

Holy shit! No! I hate you Freud!

No, DH isn't nearly that high maintenance or selfish. ;-)

I'm just glad I read this before my morning coffee could be spit at one of my work monitors.

Jen4948

@southernbelle0915, congratulations!

OP: I'm sorry your ILs are being pushy.

As far as the actual birth goes, I think that you get to make the decisions as to who can be there (with your doctors) and everyone, including your DH, need to respect that. I don't see how you can keep them out of the waiting room if it's open to the public though.

As to when they can first see the baby right after it's born, I realize you will need some time to recover from the birth and bond with the baby. Your DH will also need some bonding time too. I think that your ILs will need to respect that no, they can't automatically see the baby for at least a few hours while you're doing that, and I'd stand firm on that. In order to make that work, I'd ask your DH not to update them during those hours until you're ready for them to see the baby. Your ILs can wait.

As far as when they can visit after that, I'd be more flexible about that. They'll have to accept that you and your DH will be sleep-deprived and distracted and won't be able to be as attentive hosts to them. You and your DH can also ask them to help with cooking and housework during their visits if they want to be helpful. If they become critical while they're there, you and your DH can and should reqiuire them to drop it or leave.

As to your MIL's being jealous that your mom got to meet the doctor and she didn't, I'd tell her, "That's because my mom is going to have caregiving responsibilities for the baby, while you get to have the fun of being a grandparent without those responsibilities. I'm afraid that any privileges regarding the baby that come with responsibilities attached will be available only to those who actually assume the responsibilities. This is a closed subject."

southernbelle0915

@ohmrs2014 - Im assuming your ILs are local, correct? If so, I'd try and be flexible about a visit in the first week if y'all are open to it. Limit the time though. As in, they can't hang around for hours. And dont feel bad about excusing yourself to sleep.

My ILs are not local and MIL wanted to stay with us for two weeks after the baby was born. Um, no. I'm actually really grateful for some time before they come visit. I was a hot mess. Breastfeeding was hard for me so I was walking around with my cracked/bleeding nipples out in the air, dripping milk everywhere because I was/am producing too much and it hurt too much to wear anything over them. Add hobbling around due to a pretty massive tear and wearing pads the size of Baby Southern's diapers in the disposable hospital underwear and I wasn't exactly thrilled about entertaining guests... I'm only now starting to heal and get some of that under control and feel like I can handle visitors.

Your needs are important too. There will be a lifetime to visit and spend time with the baby.

ohmrs2014

Yes, they are local.  And my reasoning for wanting to wait for visitors is exactly what you stated.  I have heard that recovery can be painful and miserable, and yes if I do need the help, then yes, I will ask for it.  But I do think I will need at the very least a few days to recover at home with DH.

The words induction and C-section are now being tossed around after meeting with my cardiologist regarding my high blood pressure, but I will know more next week when I meet with my regular OB and the high risk doctor.  I know that if I do need a C-section, then yes, I will need all the help I can get pretty much as soon as I get home and DH goes back to work.  I would like to think I am wonder woman and won't need the help at that point, but I am also not naive to think I can handle recovery from a major surgery and taking care of a newborn and everything else by myself.

sarahufl

southernbelle0915 said:

@ohmrs2014 - Im assuming your ILs are local, correct? If so, I'd try and be flexible about a visit in the first week if y'all are open to it. Limit the time though. As in, they can't hang around for hours. And dont feel bad about excusing yourself to sleep. My ILs are not local and MIL wanted to stay with us for two weeks after the baby was born. Um, no. I'm actually really grateful for some time before they come visit. I was a hot mess. Breastfeeding was hard for me so I was walking around with my cracked/bleeding nipples out in the air, dripping milk everywhere because I was/am producing too much and it hurt too much to wear anything over them. Add hobbling around due to a pretty massive tear and wearing pads the size of Baby Southern's diapers in the disposable hospital underwear and I wasn't exactly thrilled about entertaining guests... I'm only now starting to heal and get some of that under control and feel like I can handle visitors. Your needs are important too. There will be a lifetime to visit and spend time with the baby.

Congrats on the baby Hopefully the other stuff clears up soon.

But who in their right mind asks someone with a newborn to stay with them for TWO WEEKS?!

simcal18

sarahufl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

@ohmrs2014 - Im assuming your ILs are local, correct? If so, I'd try and be flexible about a visit in the first week if y'all are open to it. Limit the time though. As in, they can't hang around for hours. And dont feel bad about excusing yourself to sleep. My ILs are not local and MIL wanted to stay with us for two weeks after the baby was born. Um, no. I'm actually really grateful for some time before they come visit. I was a hot mess. Breastfeeding was hard for me so I was walking around with my cracked/bleeding nipples out in the air, dripping milk everywhere because I was/am producing too much and it hurt too much to wear anything over them. Add hobbling around due to a pretty massive tear and wearing pads the size of Baby Southern's diapers in the disposable hospital underwear and I wasn't exactly thrilled about entertaining guests... I'm only now starting to heal and get some of that under control and feel like I can handle visitors. Your needs are important too. There will be a lifetime to visit and spend time with the baby.

Congrats on the baby Hopefully the other stuff clears up soon.

But who in their right mind asks someone with a newborn to stay with them for TWO WEEKS?!

Ehh--I don't see this as too ridiculous.  It's not like it's some random friend--it's MIL.  My mom is OOT and she stayed with my sister and her husband when they had their baby for a couple of weeks.  She was a huge help--stocked their freezer with meals, did some laundry, helped keep up with housecleaning, took a few night feedings so they could get some sleep, etc. etc.  Several other friends and family members I know have done similar things.  You definitely need the right relationship with the family member that's staying to make it work, and it is ABSOLUTELY within the rights of the parents to refuse such visitors, but I don't think what MIL is proposing here was too far outside what's typical.

lyndausvi

sarahufl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

@ohmrs2014 - Im assuming your ILs are local, correct? If so, I'd try and be flexible about a visit in the first week if y'all are open to it. Limit the time though. As in, they can't hang around for hours. And dont feel bad about excusing yourself to sleep. My ILs are not local and MIL wanted to stay with us for two weeks after the baby was born. Um, no. I'm actually really grateful for some time before they come visit. I was a hot mess. Breastfeeding was hard for me so I was walking around with my cracked/bleeding nipples out in the air, dripping milk everywhere because I was/am producing too much and it hurt too much to wear anything over them. Add hobbling around due to a pretty massive tear and wearing pads the size of Baby Southern's diapers in the disposable hospital underwear and I wasn't exactly thrilled about entertaining guests... I'm only now starting to heal and get some of that under control and feel like I can handle visitors. Your needs are important too. There will be a lifetime to visit and spend time with the baby.

Congrats on the baby Hopefully the other stuff clears up soon.

But who in their right mind asks someone with a newborn to stay with them for TWO WEEKS?!

It's pretty common in my world.   My parents spent a week with my sister.   I have a lot of friends who have parents far from them who spent up to a month with them not long after the babies were born.    

I lived in resort areas and hotels prices were very expensive.  Having them stay with the couple was better then them not coming at all.

But it really depends on your situation.

sarahufl

bostonbride2015 said:

sarahufl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

@ohmrs2014 - Im assuming your ILs are local, correct? If so, I'd try and be flexible about a visit in the first week if y'all are open to it. Limit the time though. As in, they can't hang around for hours. And dont feel bad about excusing yourself to sleep. My ILs are not local and MIL wanted to stay with us for two weeks after the baby was born. Um, no. I'm actually really grateful for some time before they come visit. I was a hot mess. Breastfeeding was hard for me so I was walking around with my cracked/bleeding nipples out in the air, dripping milk everywhere because I was/am producing too much and it hurt too much to wear anything over them. Add hobbling around due to a pretty massive tear and wearing pads the size of Baby Southern's diapers in the disposable hospital underwear and I wasn't exactly thrilled about entertaining guests... I'm only now starting to heal and get some of that under control and feel like I can handle visitors. Your needs are important too. There will be a lifetime to visit and spend time with the baby.

Congrats on the baby Hopefully the other stuff clears up soon.

But who in their right mind asks someone with a newborn to stay with them for TWO WEEKS?!

Ehh--I don't see this as too ridiculous.  It's not like it's some random friend--it's MIL.  My mom is OOT and she stayed with my sister and her husband when they had their baby for a couple of weeks.  She was a huge help--stocked their freezer with meals, did some laundry, helped keep up with housecleaning, took a few night feedings so they could get some sleep, etc. etc.  Several other friends and family members I know have done similar things.  You definitely need the right relationship with the family member that's staying to make it work, and it is ABSOLUTELY within the rights of the parents to refuse such visitors, but I don't think what MIL is proposing here was too far outside what's typical.

ooof, I would strangle my MIL if she stayed with us for two weeks....ever.....never mind post-partum

emmaaa

I don't have kids yet so I'm speaking hypothetically, obviously.

It is important for you to feel comfortable during this whole process and for your husband to feel comfortable. I don't think it is unreasonable for you to set some boundaries early on (I plan to do the same). With that being said, I think a few PPs had a good suggestion to be open to accepting help if you need it. If you don't need/want it, great! but if you need help or are doing great and just want some company, call someone.

I honestly don't see the big deal of your mom going to the doctor's appointment with you. However, I can see how that could look to your MIL especially since your mom is going to be taking care of the baby when you go back to work. Could you try to compromise and just take her to the next appointment instead?

And someone staying with me for two weeks when I have just had a newborn? NO THANKS. I guess it may be different for me since both of our parents are local.

simcal18

sarahufl said:

bostonbride2015 said:

sarahufl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

@ohmrs2014 - Im assuming your ILs are local, correct? If so, I'd try and be flexible about a visit in the first week if y'all are open to it. Limit the time though. As in, they can't hang around for hours. And dont feel bad about excusing yourself to sleep. My ILs are not local and MIL wanted to stay with us for two weeks after the baby was born. Um, no. I'm actually really grateful for some time before they come visit. I was a hot mess. Breastfeeding was hard for me so I was walking around with my cracked/bleeding nipples out in the air, dripping milk everywhere because I was/am producing too much and it hurt too much to wear anything over them. Add hobbling around due to a pretty massive tear and wearing pads the size of Baby Southern's diapers in the disposable hospital underwear and I wasn't exactly thrilled about entertaining guests... I'm only now starting to heal and get some of that under control and feel like I can handle visitors. Your needs are important too. There will be a lifetime to visit and spend time with the baby.

Congrats on the baby Hopefully the other stuff clears up soon.

But who in their right mind asks someone with a newborn to stay with them for TWO WEEKS?!

Ehh--I don't see this as too ridiculous.  It's not like it's some random friend--it's MIL.  My mom is OOT and she stayed with my sister and her husband when they had their baby for a couple of weeks.  She was a huge help--stocked their freezer with meals, did some laundry, helped keep up with housecleaning, took a few night feedings so they could get some sleep, etc. etc.  Several other friends and family members I know have done similar things.  You definitely need the right relationship with the family member that's staying to make it work, and it is ABSOLUTELY within the rights of the parents to refuse such visitors, but I don't think what MIL is proposing here was too far outside what's typical.

ooof, I would strangle my MIL if she stayed with us for two weeks....ever.....never mind post-partum

You need the right relationship dynamic for it to work for sure.  Also, without delving too deep into gender issues, I think I actually remember reading a study about this a while ago that said it worked better when it's mom's mom than when it's dad's mom staying.  Dad's mom tends to wind up focusing on the new grandbaby, whereas when it's mom's mom it tends to fall into a dynamic of each woman taking care of "her baby" (grandma takes care of new mom, new mom takes care of baby.)  Also new mom is probably more apt to know how to take parenting/housekeeping "advice" better from her own mother, since she's been getting it from her all her life and is used to it, than from MIL, where the relationship dynamic can be such that even the most innocuous advice can wind up sounding like criticism. 

southernbelle0915

sarahufl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

@ohmrs2014 - Im assuming your ILs are local, correct? If so, I'd try and be flexible about a visit in the first week if y'all are open to it. Limit the time though. As in, they can't hang around for hours. And dont feel bad about excusing yourself to sleep.

My ILs are not local and MIL wanted to stay with us for two weeks after the baby was born. Um, no. I'm actually really grateful for some time before they come visit. I was a hot mess. Breastfeeding was hard for me so I was walking around with my cracked/bleeding nipples out in the air, dripping milk everywhere because I was/am producing too much and it hurt too much to wear anything over them. Add hobbling around due to a pretty massive tear and wearing pads the size of Baby Southern's diapers in the disposable hospital underwear and I wasn't exactly thrilled about entertaining guests... I'm only now starting to heal and get some of that under control and feel like I can handle visitors.

Your needs are important too. There will be a lifetime to visit and spend time with the baby.

Congrats on the baby Hopefully the other stuff clears up soon.

But who in their right mind asks someone with a newborn to stay with them for TWO WEEKS?!


Thanks! I think it's pretty common, but hell to the no for me. My MIL is nice and all but she's so modest that she apologizes when she doesn't have her hair blown dry. To walk around in front of her in disposable underpants with my boobs in the wind and the occasional emotional outburst sounds awful and awkward.

Plus she would want to help but she would try dusting my wood furniture with Windex and cleaning my windows with pledge (they've had "help" forever).

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

I think I'm the only one who doesn't get waiting in the waiting room.     I lived OOT when all of my nieces and nephews were born.  I was just fine getting a call they were in labor and then waiting the 1 hour (one quick baby) to 20 hours labor for the announcement I had a new niece or nephew. None of my siblings knew the sex of the baby before they were born. So it wasn't just the baby being born for us, it was revealing the sex too.

  If my sister had asked me to be there I would, but I doubt if I lived in town I would have rushed over to the waiting room. My parents were there for my sister's first.   That was more they were OOT and coordinated with my sister to show up 2 weeks after the due date.  My sister was 2 weeks late.  Soooo, they were there.    My dad was still working and my parents lived overseas, so they had a little more coordinating to do.    

For the rest of my nieces and nephews my parents showed up a few weeks after the birth.    My sister and one SIL gave my parents full access to the newborn.  I think that was more that my parents were overseas, so giving them full access for a few days knowing they were leaving for a few months or more was easy.     SIL#2's tried to give my parents access, but her mom was crazy and hovered over my parents when the whole time.

In real life I do not know any new mom who cut off all access to them and the baby the first few weeks.  Help was very much welcomed and needed.     No their homes were not revolving doors, there were limits, but not one of them denied access.

Now I was in the delivery room for a friend.  She had a quick labor.  So quick that her DH and I left to get something to eat and had to rush back (without the takeout food).    Her mom had died, dad lived in Spain and his parents lived back in the states.     I was there for the birth, DH and I were there the next day.  We helped her and her husband out at home for the first week until her in-laws flew in.

When it comes to kids the best laid out plans often get flown out the window.  Kids have a mind of their own, things are always changing.    It's good to have general plans, just not specific ones as life has a funny way have saying "fuck your plans".

1st bolded, nope, I don't get it either.  I don't do it either; I work all day in a hospital, I'm not about to go and wait around in another one after work! 

In fact, I hate even visiting mom/baby in the hospital, I find it really awkward. . .plus I don't want to be in a hospital again.  I prefer to arrange with the parents to visit them at home.  Everyone is much more comfortable at home.

I get not wanting the entire world in the room with you while you deliver- there's already enough people going to be staring at your hoohah as it is, you don't need or want family and friends staring at your hoohah either.  Plus like others have said, childbirth is a medical procedure.  It's not like everyone would expect to witness your annual OBGYN exam or yearly colonoscopy!  Moms to be are 100% entitled to control who is in the delivery room with them, agree 100%.  I'd ban anyone that wasn't present for the actual conception ;-)

But beyond that and to the 2nd bolded, I think OP is being a bit too extreme and she should just play it by ear with respect to visitors during the 1st week.  I don't know anyone who banned immediate family during that time.  I certainly wouldn't tell my parents and IL's that they can't see the baby at all.  I'd tell them and my immediate family that I'd need to see how I'm feeling and doing on a day by day basis, and I'd be happy to call them and let them know if I'm up for visitors.

3rd bolded- yep yep!

MairePoppy

bostonbride2015 said:

sarahufl said:

bostonbride2015 said:

sarahufl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

@ohmrs2014 - Im assuming your ILs are local, correct? If so, I'd try and be flexible about a visit in the first week if y'all are open to it. Limit the time though. As in, they can't hang around for hours. And dont feel bad about excusing yourself to sleep. My ILs are not local and MIL wanted to stay with us for two weeks after the baby was born. Um, no. I'm actually really grateful for some time before they come visit. I was a hot mess. Breastfeeding was hard for me so I was walking around with my cracked/bleeding nipples out in the air, dripping milk everywhere because I was/am producing too much and it hurt too much to wear anything over them. Add hobbling around due to a pretty massive tear and wearing pads the size of Baby Southern's diapers in the disposable hospital underwear and I wasn't exactly thrilled about entertaining guests... I'm only now starting to heal and get some of that under control and feel like I can handle visitors. Your needs are important too. There will be a lifetime to visit and spend time with the baby.

Congrats on the baby Hopefully the other stuff clears up soon.

But who in their right mind asks someone with a newborn to stay with them for TWO WEEKS?!

Ehh--I don't see this as too ridiculous.  It's not like it's some random friend--it's MIL.  My mom is OOT and she stayed with my sister and her husband when they had their baby for a couple of weeks.  She was a huge help--stocked their freezer with meals, did some laundry, helped keep up with housecleaning, took a few night feedings so they could get some sleep, etc. etc.  Several other friends and family members I know have done similar things.  You definitely need the right relationship with the family member that's staying to make it work, and it is ABSOLUTELY within the rights of the parents to refuse such visitors, but I don't think what MIL is proposing here was too far outside what's typical.

ooof, I would strangle my MIL if she stayed with us for two weeks....ever.....never mind post-partum

You need the right relationship dynamic for it to work for sure.  Also, without delving too deep into gender issues, I think I actually remember reading a study about this a while ago that said it worked better when it's mom's mom than when it's dad's mom staying.  Dad's mom tends to wind up focusing on the new grandbaby, whereas when it's mom's mom it tends to fall into a dynamic of each woman taking care of "her baby" (grandma takes care of new mom, new mom takes care of baby.)  Also new mom is probably more apt to know how to take parenting/housekeeping "advice" better from her own mother, since she's been getting it from her all her life and is used to it, than from MIL, where the relationship dynamic can be such that even the most innocuous advice can wind up sounding like criticism. 

Not only that, but daughter and mother tend to have the same culture or at least be used to each other's culture and idiosyncracies. And if they have a decent relationship, mom knows when to hold her tongue. A MIL might not understand those cues. 

julieanne912

MairePoppy said:

bostonbride2015 said:

sarahufl said:

bostonbride2015 said:

sarahufl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

@ohmrs2014 - Im assuming your ILs are local, correct? If so, I'd try and be flexible about a visit in the first week if y'all are open to it. Limit the time though. As in, they can't hang around for hours. And dont feel bad about excusing yourself to sleep. My ILs are not local and MIL wanted to stay with us for two weeks after the baby was born. Um, no. I'm actually really grateful for some time before they come visit. I was a hot mess. Breastfeeding was hard for me so I was walking around with my cracked/bleeding nipples out in the air, dripping milk everywhere because I was/am producing too much and it hurt too much to wear anything over them. Add hobbling around due to a pretty massive tear and wearing pads the size of Baby Southern's diapers in the disposable hospital underwear and I wasn't exactly thrilled about entertaining guests... I'm only now starting to heal and get some of that under control and feel like I can handle visitors. Your needs are important too. There will be a lifetime to visit and spend time with the baby.

Congrats on the baby Hopefully the other stuff clears up soon.

But who in their right mind asks someone with a newborn to stay with them for TWO WEEKS?!

Ehh--I don't see this as too ridiculous.  It's not like it's some random friend--it's MIL.  My mom is OOT and she stayed with my sister and her husband when they had their baby for a couple of weeks.  She was a huge help--stocked their freezer with meals, did some laundry, helped keep up with housecleaning, took a few night feedings so they could get some sleep, etc. etc.  Several other friends and family members I know have done similar things.  You definitely need the right relationship with the family member that's staying to make it work, and it is ABSOLUTELY within the rights of the parents to refuse such visitors, but I don't think what MIL is proposing here was too far outside what's typical.

ooof, I would strangle my MIL if she stayed with us for two weeks....ever.....never mind post-partum

You need the right relationship dynamic for it to work for sure.  Also, without delving too deep into gender issues, I think I actually remember reading a study about this a while ago that said it worked better when it's mom's mom than when it's dad's mom staying.  Dad's mom tends to wind up focusing on the new grandbaby, whereas when it's mom's mom it tends to fall into a dynamic of each woman taking care of "her baby" (grandma takes care of new mom, new mom takes care of baby.)  Also new mom is probably more apt to know how to take parenting/housekeeping "advice" better from her own mother, since she's been getting it from her all her life and is used to it, than from MIL, where the relationship dynamic can be such that even the most innocuous advice can wind up sounding like criticism. 

Not only that, but daughter and mother tend to have the same culture or at least be used to each other's culture and idiosyncracies. And if they have a decent relationship, mom knows when to hold her tongue. A MIL might not understand those cues. 

This is so very true.  Now, every mother/daughter relationship is different but my mom is one of my best friends so I hope to god she can come stay with me after I give birth to Hypothetical Baby.  But, she's not the overbearing type, she always just wants to be helpful but will back off if I tell her.  And, her idea of a good time is sitting and reading a book, so she's a great house guest.  

I also like H's mom, so I probably wouldn't mind having her around either...she's a good caretaker and very helpful too. I would just feel the need for more modesty with her.

redwoodoriginal

I also think it depends on where people live. I don't live near my parents or ILs so whomever were coming would mostly likely stay WITH us, and that sounds awful to me, even though I want help to be nearby, just not IN the house....

ohmrs2014

Maybe the first week no visitors unless requested and not waiting in the waiting room is just my family dynamic, which it very well could be.  I know when my cousin's started having children and my uncles and aunts were becoming grandparents (huge age difference between myself and my cousins since there is a huge age difference between my dad and his three brothers), they didn't come by for the first week unless they were asked too.  They would call their children to see how they were doing and if they needed anything, but unless they were asked to go over, they didn't.  My dad waited at least 3 weeks before we went to visit.  My family views it as time to settle in as a new family with a new dynamic.

The same with the waiting room at the hospital.  My uncles and aunts didn't wait.  They didn't see the need to.  They received a phone call for being in labor, my dad and the other aunts and uncles received subsequent calls after birth.  (in case your wondering, my mom's brothers never had children so she never experienced this first hand, everything is paternal with my experiences with this dynamic).

I am definitely getting my cues from how my family has done things with births and visits.  I'm also very much the type of person where if I don't need help, I won't take it and you can't push it on me because it won't be received well.  I would rather ask for help, which my parents are aware of, which is probably why they aren't being as pushy and forceful.  I know DH has tried to explain to his mom and sister all of this, but they don't get it, which is why I became aggressive when the conversation was brought to me, let alone it happened at a BBQ where others who weren't involved were around to hear everything.

Based on what I've read and heard from other moms, I will need at least a few hours to settle after labor before visitors.

I know his parents and sister will get impatient with waiting regardless of them saying they won't.  I know them.  And I had a wonderful conversation with DH last night about how his mom is apparently going to use her last weeks vacation the week I'm due to give birth so that (in her words according to him) "she can be available 24/7 at the hospital and not have to worry about going to work."  Based on his tone, he didn't even seem to happy.  (I also don't think he's used to my parents being so laid back and his being so high strung and somewhat pushy, its usually the other way around).

The closer it get's to birth, the more my anxiety is creeping up on me.  The not knowing the exact day or when its going to happen; if everything will go according to the plan I have in my head, etc.  Them being there, I already feel like I have the pressure of "rushing" the birth so that they can just go home and its giving me more anxiety, which is not healthy.  I honestly don't feel like there's any way for them to be there and myself or DH not know.  I don't think they are capable of not texting or calling him.  He will be connected because he will be working while we are in the hospital.

And in terms of the doctor's appointment, MIL doesn't care about that.  She understands so I'm not worried about that.  

And yes, my mom and I are very similar, its scary.  I do believe that women are more inclined to go to their moms versus the MIL.  Though I do turn to my MIL when needed.

ETA:  clarification