NWR: Baby Related, Looking for Some Insight and Advice

PrettyGirlLost

ryanandjoe4 said:

@Maggie0829 the OP is not being unreasonable, and yes DH should have a say, he is the one that has asked the OP mom to join the first Dr.visit, but the husband is there for support, I never understood the "sitting in the waiting room for support" so me knowing your uncomfortable waiting round for an unknown amount of time is not support, it's pressure get that baby out so we can see! I believe that DH should be the one telling them that they need to wait though less stress on the momma to be..

I don't get this logic that people choosing to sit in a waiting room to wait for the birth of your child puts pressure on you, as the mother.  Even if they were waiting at home or in another state, they'd still be waiting for the birth of your child. . . so shouldn't you feel pressure knowing anyone, anywhere knows you are in labor?

That pressure is not coming from an outward source (the people waiting) that pressure is all in your own head.

And like Maggie keeps saying, you can't control what other people choose to do.  You can tell people 6 ways to Sunday that you don't want them to wait in the waiting room, but you have no way from actually, physically preventing them from showing up at the hospital, which is a public building, other than not informing them of the labor. 

Maggie was trying to drive this point home so that the OP can start to accept this fact in order to work on her own anxiety issues.

monkeysip

As someone else has said, it's like the difference between someone sitting in another room while you poop or waiting outside the bathroom door.

It DOES add a sense of tension knowing they're in the waiting room, especially if the waiting room is close to your room.  And if H goes out into the waiting room, he'll be pestered with questions and pulled in a million directions.  There's just a sense that they're impatiently waiting to see the baby. 

I felt like I was a pretty easy going pregnant woman, and I'm a relatively easy going mom.  I never hovered, I never got nervous if people held her, etc.  But I wanted my PRIVACY when I gave birth to her.  And if there's no real difference between waiting in the waiting room and waiting at home, THEN WAIT AT HOME.

ohmrs2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

ryanandjoe4 said:

@Maggie0829 the OP is not being unreasonable, and yes DH should have a say, he is the one that has asked the OP mom to join the first Dr.visit, but the husband is there for support, I never understood the "sitting in the waiting room for support" so me knowing your uncomfortable waiting round for an unknown amount of time is not support, it's pressure get that baby out so we can see! I believe that DH should be the one telling them that they need to wait though less stress on the momma to be..

I don't get this logic that people choosing to sit in a waiting room to wait for the birth of your child puts pressure on you, as the mother.  Even if they were waiting at home or in another state, they'd still be waiting for the birth of your child. . . so shouldn't you feel pressure knowing anyone, anywhere knows you are in labor?

That pressure is not coming from an outward source (the people waiting) that pressure is all in your own head.

And like Maggie keeps saying, you can't control what other people choose to do.  You can tell people 6 ways to Sunday that you don't want them to wait in the waiting room, but you have no way from actually, physically preventing them from showing up at the hospital, which is a public building, other than not informing them of the labor. 

Maggie was trying to drive this point home so that the OP can start to accept this fact in order to work on her own anxiety issues.

And I completely agree with the both of you.  Essentially I nor DH can control what others do.  When people are waiting in the waiting room, its because they want to see the baby ASAP, whereas at home, you come at your leisure when mom, dad, and baby are ready for visitors.  So yes, it can add some extra pressure and anxiety.

But, when I'm asking people, for own sanity and my own preference, knowing myself and how I handle stressful situations to begin with (anxiety), that I would like for no one to be in waiting room, to let us have our time to do what needs to be done and that we will call when ready for visitors, but obviously call after baby is born, and that request keeps getting ignored and pushed aside because as it was put "well, I want to be there for my son" and "I want to be there for my brother," I find to be disrespectful and hurtful because honestly, your son and brother aren't the ones pushing out this kid, its me.  And to be quite frank, I'm not sure exactly how you can be there for him in a different way than you can be there for him on the phone if he needed to call just to chat.  

He has already made it clear to everyone that he will be working and telecommuting so not only will his focus be on me, but also on work and that once we are admitted, he's not leaving my side because he doesn't want me to be left alone because he knows what stressful situation do to me (anxiety).  So essentially, them being there is actually pointless because he's not going to go and hangout with them.  If he's hungry, he's more than welcome to get food from the cafeteria and the hospital will deliver food to the labor and delivery room for him as well in case he doesn't want to leave.  And his mom is already planning a backup for Thanksgiving in case we are in the hospital where she brings the feast with her and DH has told her time and time again, its not needed, to go on with the holiday as planned because even if I'm not in labor, we will be staying home and not be there so it won't make a difference.  

Again, not being heard on our requests which is more the problem here.

kimmiinthemitten

PrettyGirlLost said:

ryanandjoe4 said:

@Maggie0829 the OP is not being unreasonable, and yes DH should have a say, he is the one that has asked the OP mom to join the first Dr.visit, but the husband is there for support, I never understood the "sitting in the waiting room for support" so me knowing your uncomfortable waiting round for an unknown amount of time is not support, it's pressure get that baby out so we can see! I believe that DH should be the one telling them that they need to wait though less stress on the momma to be..

I don't get this logic that people choosing to sit in a waiting room to wait for the birth of your child puts pressure on you, as the mother.  Even if they were waiting at home or in another state, they'd still be waiting for the birth of your child. . . so shouldn't you feel pressure knowing anyone, anywhere knows you are in labor?

That pressure is not coming from an outward source (the people waiting) that pressure is all in your own head.

And like Maggie keeps saying, you can't control what other people choose to do.  You can tell people 6 ways to Sunday that you don't want them to wait in the waiting room, but you have no way from actually, physically preventing them from showing up at the hospital, which is a public building, other than not informing them of the labor. 

Maggie was trying to drive this point home so that the OP can start to accept this fact in order to work on her own anxiety issues.

To the first bolded, I guess it's just a matter of persepctive, because I hear this story and think, why can't the MIL just wait at home for the news if she's in driving distance.  Why does she have to be at the hospital?

To the second bolded, I think that varies by person.  Some people would definitely promise to be on their best behavior and then show up, try and pop in to the room and cause a distraction.

PrettyGirlLost

ohmrs2014 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ryanandjoe4 said:

@Maggie0829 the OP is not being unreasonable, and yes DH should have a say, he is the one that has asked the OP mom to join the first Dr.visit, but the husband is there for support, I never understood the "sitting in the waiting room for support" so me knowing your uncomfortable waiting round for an unknown amount of time is not support, it's pressure get that baby out so we can see! I believe that DH should be the one telling them that they need to wait though less stress on the momma to be..

I don't get this logic that people choosing to sit in a waiting room to wait for the birth of your child puts pressure on you, as the mother.  Even if they were waiting at home or in another state, they'd still be waiting for the birth of your child. . . so shouldn't you feel pressure knowing anyone, anywhere knows you are in labor?

That pressure is not coming from an outward source (the people waiting) that pressure is all in your own head.

And like Maggie keeps saying, you can't control what other people choose to do.  You can tell people 6 ways to Sunday that you don't want them to wait in the waiting room, but you have no way from actually, physically preventing them from showing up at the hospital, which is a public building, other than not informing them of the labor. 

Maggie was trying to drive this point home so that the OP can start to accept this fact in order to work on her own anxiety issues.

And I completely agree with the both of you.  Essentially I nor DH can control what others do.  When people are waiting in the waiting room, its because they want to see the baby ASAP, whereas at home, you come at your leisure when mom, dad, and baby are ready for visitors.  So yes, it can add some extra pressure and anxiety.

But, when I'm asking people, for own sanity and my own preference, knowing myself and how I handle stressful situations to begin with (anxiety), that I would like for no one to be in waiting room, to let us have our time to do what needs to be done and that we will call when ready for visitors, but obviously call after baby is born, and that request keeps getting ignored and pushed aside because as it was put "well, I want to be there for my son" and "I want to be there for my brother," I find to be disrespectful and hurtful because honestly, your son and brother aren't the ones pushing out this kid, its me.  And to be quite frank, I'm not sure exactly how you can be there for him in a different way than you can be there for him on the phone if he needed to call just to chat.  

He has already made it clear to everyone that he will be working and telecommuting so not only will his focus be on me, but also on work and that once we are admitted, he's not leaving my side because he doesn't want me to be left alone because he knows what stressful situation do to me (anxiety).  So essentially, them being there is actually pointless because he's not going to go and hangout with them.  If he's hungry, he's more than welcome to get food from the cafeteria and the hospital will deliver food to the labor and delivery room for him as well in case he doesn't want to leave.  And his mom is already planning a backup for Thanksgiving in case we are in the hospital where she brings the feast with her and DH has told her time and time again, its not needed, to go on with the holiday as planned because even if I'm not in labor, we will be staying home and not be there so it won't make a difference.  

Again, not being heard on our requests which is more the problem here.

Yeah, just keep working at it   Sorry it's a pain.

simcal18

ohmrs2014 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ryanandjoe4 said:

@Maggie0829 the OP is not being unreasonable, and yes DH should have a say, he is the one that has asked the OP mom to join the first Dr.visit, but the husband is there for support, I never understood the "sitting in the waiting room for support" so me knowing your uncomfortable waiting round for an unknown amount of time is not support, it's pressure get that baby out so we can see! I believe that DH should be the one telling them that they need to wait though less stress on the momma to be..

I don't get this logic that people choosing to sit in a waiting room to wait for the birth of your child puts pressure on you, as the mother.  Even if they were waiting at home or in another state, they'd still be waiting for the birth of your child. . . so shouldn't you feel pressure knowing anyone, anywhere knows you are in labor?

That pressure is not coming from an outward source (the people waiting) that pressure is all in your own head.

And like Maggie keeps saying, you can't control what other people choose to do.  You can tell people 6 ways to Sunday that you don't want them to wait in the waiting room, but you have no way from actually, physically preventing them from showing up at the hospital, which is a public building, other than not informing them of the labor. 

Maggie was trying to drive this point home so that the OP can start to accept this fact in order to work on her own anxiety issues.

And I completely agree with the both of you.  Essentially I nor DH can control what others do.  When people are waiting in the waiting room, its because they want to see the baby ASAP, whereas at home, you come at your leisure when mom, dad, and baby are ready for visitors.  So yes, it can add some extra pressure and anxiety.

But, when I'm asking people, for own sanity and my own preference, knowing myself and how I handle stressful situations to begin with (anxiety), that I would like for no one to be in waiting room, to let us have our time to do what needs to be done and that we will call when ready for visitors, but obviously call after baby is born, and that request keeps getting ignored and pushed aside because as it was put "well, I want to be there for my son" and "I want to be there for my brother," I find to be disrespectful and hurtful because honestly, your son and brother aren't the ones pushing out this kid, its me.  And to be quite frank, I'm not sure exactly how you can be there for him in a different way than you can be there for him on the phone if he needed to call just to chat.  

He has already made it clear to everyone that he will be working and telecommuting so not only will his focus be on me, but also on work and that once we are admitted, he's not leaving my side because he doesn't want me to be left alone because he knows what stressful situation do to me (anxiety).  So essentially, them being there is actually pointless because he's not going to go and hangout with them.  If he's hungry, he's more than welcome to get food from the cafeteria and the hospital will deliver food to the labor and delivery room for him as well in case he doesn't want to leave.  And his mom is already planning a backup for Thanksgiving in case we are in the hospital where she brings the feast with her and DH has told her time and time again, its not needed, to go on with the holiday as planned because even if I'm not in labor, we will be staying home and not be there so it won't make a difference.  

Again, not being heard on our requests which is more the problem here.

I understand that your requests for space aren't being heard from your in-laws, and that is frustrating.  If having your in-laws in the waiting room is really going to cause you as much anxiety as you are suggesting, I think the best course of action is simply to not tell them you're in labor until after the baby is born.  You can explain to them afterwards the reason for doing so and maybe even come up with a little white lie to make it more palatable ("things were progressing so fast that we didn't even think to call you/want to bother you until it was done!)  But I would seriously reconsider your stance on not letting them see the baby for the first week.  It may be that your family leaves parents alone with their newborns for the first week (although I still don't understand this), but this baby isn't just a part of your family--she's a part of DH's family too, and it sounds like they're super excited to meet her.

redwoodoriginal

Honestly, ohmrs2014, it sounds like the best thing for you guys would be to not even tell them you're going to the hospital bc they clearly don't get it and don't seem like they will respect your boundaries.

At least you and your H are on the same page!

Gluck!

MesmrEwe

L&D is work - not a social call.  Unless they're bringing by good designer drugs from the pharmacy or a buffet for your first meal postpartum, no..  You call the shots as to who gets in.  You can kick anyone out of your room at ANY time - INCLUDING YH, the doctor or nurses if they aren't helping you. 

They can get a call once the baby has arrived just like everyone else.  Heck, I told DH when it came time for DS "I'll call you when I've got my epi to come to the hospital" because I knew I'd be managing him instead of focusing on the task at hand (DS took half the time that DD did to deliver from start of the induction to the delivery)...  As it was, he walked in JUST as the anesthesiologist was holding up the needle for the epidural and he about passed out.  Thankfully I told the nurses ahead of time so when they saw him rounding the corner they shouted "Go get a sandwich and come back in 5 minutes!"  He did an about-face avoidance of passing out and went to get something to eat LOL

Really, L&D is about you and IDGAFF about other's feelings.  With DD everyone insisted on coming almost immediately after I delivered and was beyond exhausted and hadn't eaten in 72 hours at that point nor had more than 3 hours of sleep during that time and had dislocated my hip and was anemic after delivery.  I put my foot down when it came time for the second.  My birth plan also was significantly more simplified "GET IT OUT ... and DRUGS - STAT!" was my birth plan for my second LOL (the angel choir sang they did such a wonderful job following it!)...  That's the big difference is with he first, you're afraid to upset the apple cart, with the second, it's the "nope, don't care, I need to chill out and birth this baby"..  It's also about you having the opportunity to bond with your baby and when YOU are ready to welcome guests, to do so.  The baby is still going to be new in the days following delivery, there's seriously no need for them to wait while you're in L&D and stress you out. 

ETA: NO calls to these people until you're in the PP ward!!!!

MobKaz

I cannot emphasize enough how much I agree with the majority of this post.  To each his own.  EVERY family dynamic is different.  Every hospital has its own policies.

I get it.  If there is really one time when it is and should be "all about you", the birth of your child is absolutely that time. No arguments.  Preaching to the choir.

I do want to offer/remind you of another mindset.  You (the general about-to-be mom's) are about to become members of this mindset.  You are about to enter the "mom mindset".   Welcome to the club.  Intensity levels vary, to be sure.

Your MIL is a mom first. The age of you and your husband does not matter.  This is her son, and he is about to experience an emotional, stressful, exciting, and life altering event.  Your MIL is in full throttle "mama mode".  She can't help it. This is also going to be an emotional, stressful, exciting, and life altering event for her as well.  She feels compelled to be there for her son.  She wants to be in this moment with her son.  She wants to be ready to help in any way.  It's the mom in her.

My son is a doctor.  He has not lived at home in over 12 years.  If, when talking, he tells me he has a cold, or some other common ailment, my immediate response is to remind him of what to do to alleviate his symptoms.  He certainly does not need my medical advice.  It just blurts out because.....mom mode.  I'm quite sure I have heard his eyes roll into the back of his head.

I ask you to consider this mindset as you struggle with understanding why she would be so adamant to wait in a waiting room versus her home.  It might not be all about seeing the baby immediately after it is born.  It might be about her baby, because.....mom mode, for her own sanity.

AprilH81

@mobkaz You said it better than I could have but I think that was what I was trying to get at way back towards the begininng of this thread.

sarahufl

monkeysip said:

As someone else has said, it's like the difference between someone sitting in another room while you poop or waiting outside the bathroom door.

It DOES add a sense of tension knowing they're in the waiting room, especially if the waiting room is close to your room.  And if H goes out into the waiting room, he'll be pestered with questions and pulled in a million directions.  There's just a sense that they're impatiently waiting to see the baby. 

I felt like I was a pretty easy going pregnant woman, and I'm a relatively easy going mom.  I never hovered, I never got nervous if people held her, etc.  But I wanted my PRIVACY when I gave birth to her.  And if there's no real difference between waiting in the waiting room and waiting at home, THEN WAIT AT HOME.

**BOX**

As someone who has anxiety and a MIL I like....enough....but not enough to want her around, I feel so much this bolded.

If I knew my inlaws were sitting outside waiting, I would feel pressured to just get things over with so they weren't uncomfortable. It isn't rational, but anxiety often isn't.

OliveOilsMom

I don't think this has been brought up yet, but OP can you discuss with the hospital about when you would allow visitors after the birth?  There is a new hospital in our area that they call the baby factory.  It has a huge L&D floor, all with private rooms, and their whole thing is promoting the family unit.  So if you didn't want visitors for a certain amount of hours after birth, they would not allow visitors to enter the secure area to visit you.  

So you know that you can't control if FILs come to the waiting room while you are in labor, but figure out what you can control.  If your H is aware of and responsive to your anxiety, he would not be pressuring you to allow visiting hours to begin, correct?  So let them waste their time sitting in uncomfortable chairs, drinking bad coffee.  Then when you are all ready, let the hospital know you are ready for visitors.

I also think that your H should block FILs phone numbers, while he is working during your labor.  He can't react to what he doesn't know about.  I have Verizon and I am able to block up to 5 numbers for free and can block/unblock those 5 numbers as often as I want.

nerdwife

I understand this is all intense and intensely personal, and I am not myself a mother, but I do want to say one thing: I don't think it's a good idea for you to not tell your immediate family that you are in labor. Bringing a baby into this world is no joke - it is a serious medical event and, while of course I don't want to alarm anyone, I think I am stating the obvious when I say complications can arise. Close family members will be hurt if they don't find out until after the fact, especially if there are (god forbid, of course) complications and you (general moms-to-be) end up having an emergency c-section or something even more serious. 

For example, one time my brother was badly hurt and had to have surgery. It was relatively minor surgery (on his ear), but he was under general anesthesia, which is also no joke. Not wanting to alarm anyone, he waited until after he was out to tell my family (mom, me, other siblings). This was heartbreaking and, frankly, horrifying. What if something had gone wrong? How would we feel if the call we had gotten instead was that he had undergone surgery and as a result X complication occurred and we better high tail in to the hospital? Even though that (thankfully) is not what happened, we were all very hurt and upset by this.

I understand that you have anxiety and this is a very stressful time for you - as someone who has struggled with mental illness, I really, really do. But please please consider the way your family is feeling as well. Please don't wait until your baby is born to alert everyone (or anyone) in your immediate family.

kkitkat79

nerdwife said:

I understand this is all intense and intensely personal, and I am not myself a mother, but I do want to say one thing: I don't think it's a good idea for you to not tell your immediate family that you are in labor. Bringing a baby into this world is no joke - it is a serious medical event and, while of course I don't want to alarm anyone, I think I am stating the obvious when I say complications can arise. Close family members will be hurt if they don't find out until after the fact, especially if there are (god forbid, of course) complications and you (general moms-to-be) end up having an emergency c-section or something even more serious. 

For example, one time my brother was badly hurt and had to have surgery. It was relatively minor surgery (on his ear), but he was under general anesthesia, which is also no joke. Not wanting to alarm anyone, he waited until after he was out to tell my family (mom, me, other siblings). This was heartbreaking and, frankly, horrifying. What if something had gone wrong? How would we feel if the call we had gotten instead was that he had undergone surgery and as a result X complication occurred and we better high tail in to the hospital? Even though that (thankfully) is not what happened, we were all very hurt and upset by this.

I understand that you have anxiety and this is a very stressful time for you - as someone who has struggled with mental illness, I really, really do. But please please consider the way your family is feeling as well. Please don't wait until your baby is born to alert everyone (or anyone) in your immediate family.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I don't think it matters much how the family feels about this situation. It is not about them. The only feelings the OP should consider in this case are her own because she is the one giving birth. I can accept being somewhat flexible with what happens after the baby is born and even then new mother's needs come first, but during labor it is all about the woman and only her. Everyone else are entitled to feel whatever, but I don't think that their feelings should figure into any labor related decisions by the OP.

I agree with PPs who suggested that if OP really does not want anyone waiting in the hospital she should call everyone after the fact. This way she can insure that her wishes are respected.

redwoodoriginal

nerdwife said:

I understand this is all intense and intensely personal, and I am not myself a mother, but I do want to say one thing: I don't think it's a good idea for you to not tell your immediate family that you are in labor. Bringing a baby into this world is no joke - it is a serious medical event and, while of course I don't want to alarm anyone, I think I am stating the obvious when I say complications can arise. Close family members will be hurt if they don't find out until after the fact, especially if there are (god forbid, of course) complications and you (general moms-to-be) end up having an emergency c-section or something even more serious. 

For example, one time my brother was badly hurt and had to have surgery. It was relatively minor surgery (on his ear), but he was under general anesthesia, which is also no joke. Not wanting to alarm anyone, he waited until after he was out to tell my family (mom, me, other siblings). This was heartbreaking and, frankly, horrifying. What if something had gone wrong? How would we feel if the call we had gotten instead was that he had undergone surgery and as a result X complication occurred and we better high tail in to the hospital? Even though that (thankfully) is not what happened, we were all very hurt and upset by this.

I understand that you have anxiety and this is a very stressful time for you - as someone who has struggled with mental illness, I really, really do. But please please consider the way your family is feeling as well. Please don't wait until your baby is born to alert everyone (or anyone) in your immediate family.

I am one of the ppl who suggested her not calling them until after. And I'm well aware of complications that can arise- I'm a NICU nurse and see "complications" all the time. It doesn't matter. If there's a complication they can't do anything. It's not like the Drs will say "oh just say hi to your family in the waiting room before we take you in for an emergency c/s". No. If it's an emergency they may take you so fast your H might not even have time to get gowned up before they're starting the first cut into you. Also, if there IS time, her H could always make the decision to call them. But honestly, if them being around during a normal birth is anxiety inducing, imagine how anxiety may grow knowing that they are there waiting in the emergency room and now you're having an emergency. No thank you.

She is perfectly within her rights to NOT tell them regardless of whether a complication MAY arise. If complications arise the last thing you want to worry about is making sure your ILs are kept up to date and worrying about them in the waiting room. Nope nope nope.

huskypuppy14

nerdwife said:

I understand this is all intense and intensely personal, and I am not myself a mother, but I do want to say one thing: I don't think it's a good idea for you to not tell your immediate family that you are in labor. Bringing a baby into this world is no joke - it is a serious medical event and, while of course I don't want to alarm anyone, I think I am stating the obvious when I say complications can arise. Close family members will be hurt if they don't find out until after the fact, especially if there are (god forbid, of course) complications and you (general moms-to-be) end up having an emergency c-section or something even more serious. 

For example, one time my brother was badly hurt and had to have surgery. It was relatively minor surgery (on his ear), but he was under general anesthesia, which is also no joke. Not wanting to alarm anyone, he waited until after he was out to tell my family (mom, me, other siblings). This was heartbreaking and, frankly, horrifying. What if something had gone wrong? How would we feel if the call we had gotten instead was that he had undergone surgery and as a result X complication occurred and we better high tail in to the hospital? Even though that (thankfully) is not what happened, we were all very hurt and upset by this.

I understand that you have anxiety and this is a very stressful time for you - as someone who has struggled with mental illness, I really, really do. But please please consider the way your family is feeling as well. Please don't wait until your baby is born to alert everyone (or anyone) in your immediate family.

When you are starting your own family, they are your immediate family now. Your brother did not have a spouse, correct? It's a different situation. If your brother was single, and didn't tell anyone, then I can kind of see your point, but it's still his business to tell anyone. And what if something goes wrong when she is in labor, it's not like the other family is going to be able to see her or the baby anyway, and there is nothing they can do. Presumably they know when your due date is, so they know labor would be happening soon, unlike a freak accident or illness.

My mom is no longer my emergency contact, my husband is. If there is a decision to be made, he would make it on my behalf. No one is obligated to tell their parents or siblings anything regarding their health care anyway, regardless of their marital status. 

My husband had appendicitis last year. We were at urgent care, then the emergency room, and then in the hospital. Once he was admitted, I kept asking, when should we call your parents, and he told me to wait, because it was pointless to call them, when we didn't know where he would be going or what would be happening. Once he was told he will be transferred to a different hospital I called them. His mom is a worrier (as is mine) and she kept asking if she should come to the hospital (he was still in the ER at this point). We told her no, he was in good hands in the hospital, and that I would call her tomorrow to update her.

If something tragic is happening, her husband is there, it's not like she has nobody there like your brother.

nerdwife

@huskypupp14 and @redwoodoriginal: I respect your opinions but I just think you should never keep health problems from your family (assuming that you have relationships with them, of course). I think it's kind of condescending to decide that adult family members couldn't handle hearing it, and there are problems with keeping these kind of things from children that are way outside the scope of this post. That's just a fundamental disagreement. 

banana468

nerdwife said:

@huskypupp14 and @redwoodoriginal: I respect your opinions but I just think you should never keep health problems from your family (assuming that you have relationships with them, of course). I think it's kind of condescending to decide that adult family members couldn't handle hearing it, and there are problems with keeping these kind of things from children that are way outside the scope of this post. That's just a fundamental disagreement. 

FWIW, there have been enough posts by plenty of people on here that can attest to parents not respecting boundary issues that are a prime reason why parents don't know when exactly something is happening.

And add to that the ambiguity and odd timing of labor. We knew our parents would respect the no phone call no waiting room rule we requested so we told them when I was headed to be induced with #1. With #2, I was a week late. I thought on Friday morning that my body was gearing up but the start of that labor felt like a stomach bug starting. And I tried to continue the day as normal and did. It wasn't until around 9 PM that DH and I decided to go to bed because we were in for it. And it wasn't until 12:30 that I woke up with contractions every five minutes that felt like cramps. Should I have called my parents in the middle of the night? Before they went to bed? Should I have called them at 4 AM when DH and I were home with the doula and contractions were longer, closer together and harder to talk through?? Or was it just fine to let my parents sleep so my dad could be rested before going into work? And I think it was fine to not wake up FSIL who was with DD since we figured it was just a good idea to have her stay with someone. Should DH have left my side to tell him?

For DS, the time to call was at 7 AM when we were at the hospital, I was with the doula and nurses and he was no longer pushing a wool dryer ball in my back for every contraction. And a nurse could take his place to have those quick calls. And they needed to be quick. Because I needed him with me while I was in the final stages of labor and ready to push. He needed to focus on me and our baby. It's great that he kept his parents and my parents informed but that was secondary to his role as husband, labor coach and father. He did not need phone calls pulling him away when I reached the point of begging for drugs.

And I think calling too early is just foolish given how a false alarm can come up.

It isn't about secret keeping. It's about making sure that parents know the right information at the right time to lessen the anxiety of all.

lyndausvi

nerdwife said:

@huskypupp14 and @redwoodoriginal: I respect your opinions but I just think you should never keep health problems from your family (assuming that you have relationships with them, of course). I think it's kind of condescending to decide that adult family members couldn't handle hearing it, and there are problems with keeping these kind of things from children that are way outside the scope of this post. That's just a fundamental disagreement. 

Meh, this is NOT a one size fits answer.

 My mom has been in and out of hospitals before I knew she even went in.  I do not find my parents as condescending by not telling  us right away.   Once the doctors tell them what is going on then my dad or mom will call.  Until then it's just a waiting game for even them.  Why bother calling us to get us all worried when the diagnoses is just a bad cough?   And yes, that has happened.  My mom has RA, her meds lower her immune system.  A bad cough sometimes makes her need a hospital visit.   It lasts a day or so, then she is back home.     I'm completely fine with my parents not telling me right away she is having a last minute procedure or in the hospital until they know what is going on themselves.   She normally tells me when things are scheduled. 

Now when they had a car accident and my mom was taken in via an ambulance, then they called.   When mom's doctor called an ambulance thinking my was having a heart attack, dad called.  End result was Mom didn't have a heart attack.

When DH went to the ER for some pains I didn't call his mom right away.  We waited until we had some answers.   When my sister took her son to the hospital she didn't call me or my parents right away.  Again, she waited to see what was going on first.

Just because you do not tell family about some medical event right away doesn't mean you are being condescending.    In most cases the patient is in pain or something.  Whomever is with them is talking to the doctors, trying to comfort their loved one.    They ain't got no time to be starting a medical phone tree, especially if they do not have much information to begin with. 

I think that is the bad thing about cell phones/text messaging.  Everyone expects instant communication.  

Ever hear of HIPPA?  Yeah, that actually means, you as the family do not have the right to know a family's medical information unless the patient has signed a form saying its okay.  That includes your spouse.

redwoodoriginal

nerdwife said:

@huskypupp14 and @redwoodoriginal: I respect your opinions but I just think you should never keep health problems from your family (assuming that you have relationships with them, of course). I think it's kind of condescending to decide that adult family members couldn't handle hearing it, and there are problems with keeping these kind of things from children that are way outside the scope of this post. That's just a fundamental disagreement. 

Uh, how is going into labor a health problem? It's completely different than being in th hospital for surgery. Everyone knows you're pregnant and close to your due date. Your argument doesn't even make sense for going into labor. I'm not talking about what happened to your brother. I'm talking about actual labor and birthing a human with your husband by your side. Completely different scenarios.

southernbelle0915

nerdwife said:

@huskypupp14 and @redwoodoriginal: I respect your opinions but I just think you should never keep health problems from your family (assuming that you have relationships with them, of course). I think it's kind of condescending to decide that adult family members couldn't handle hearing it, and there are problems with keeping these kind of things from children that are way outside the scope of this post. That's just a fundamental disagreement. 

Presuming it's not early or complicated, being in labor is not a "health problem". It's an inevitable thing everyone has been expecting for 9+ months. And unless someone has been purposely vague with family, everyone knows the due date so can expect it around then.

I'm actually surprised to hear this from you, as you deal with pushy in laws yourself (your guest list and wedding vision). Can you imagine I'd they were trying to influence your health care and birth plan, too? I'd be interested to see if you're singing a different tune when you're actually faced with this situation.

nerdwife

I'm not going to quote everyone on here, but clearly a lot of people don't agree with me. That's fine. Every family is different and everyone is entitled to their opinions about how to deal with them. I have very different feelings about childbirth (ps - obviously people have taken issue with "health problem," so how about health issue or something - wasn't implying that childbirth is a problem of course) than many that have been expressed here, but I didn't think it was worthwhile for me to pipe up with that stuff, since it's not what's being discussed/not what OP asked about. Which is why I won't respond to @southernbelle0915's question - I don't think I could do it without offending someone, which is not my intention or a can of worms I want to open. 

I appreciate that people have strong feelings about what I said. I know health problems vary from family to family and people like to deal differently. FWIW, I have a lot of doctors and nurses (including OB/GYN and L&D nurses) in my family and FI is a resident, as well as having my own medical problems, so it's not like I don't know anything about HIPAA or medicine or any of this stuff. Promise, I'm not speaking from a place of knowing nothing about any of this. I just disagree - which, I think we all know from interneting, is a thing that happens.

charlotte989875

So much of this is likely to depend on family dynamics. In mine and Hs family they would be incredibly hurt if we didn't tell them if I was in (hypothetical) labor. But then again my mom has been an L&D nurse for nearly 40 years.

My two cents: OP set boundaries with in laws if you know they have a history of disrespecting them. And be clear and repeat if you feel like you're not being heard, but be kind. They're excited. They love your H, you, and baby (presumably since they're ya know trying to come to the hospital). Invite them to the hospital when you're ready for visitors, but remember you can't control what other people so and don't let that interfere with the bonding time you, H, and baby need.

Finally, be honest about your wishes (try not to make demands) once you go home. Ask for callls before coming over is absolutely reasonable and should always be respected (and enforced). But you may want help, you may not. You may want dinner, but it want to talk to anyone. Know who you can reach out to. Setting hard lines in the sand about the first week home may hurt some feelings, but if that's what you need people will get over it.

STARMOON44

nerdwife said:

I'm not going to quote everyone on here, but clearly a lot of people don't agree with me. That's fine. Every family is different and everyone is entitled to their opinions about how to deal with them. I have very different feelings about childbirth (ps - obviously people have taken issue with "health problem," so how about health issue or something - wasn't implying that childbirth is a problem of course) than many that have been expressed here, but I didn't think it was worthwhile for me to pipe up with that stuff, since it's not what's being discussed/not what OP asked about. Which is why I won't respond to @southernbelle0915's question - I don't think I could do it without offending someone, which is not my intention or a can of worms I want to open. 

I appreciate that people have strong feelings about what I said. I know health problems vary from family to family and people like to deal differently. FWIW, I have a lot of doctors and nurses (including OB/GYN and L&D nurses) in my family and FI is a resident, as well as having my own medical problems, so it's not like I don't know anything about HIPAA or medicine or any of this stuff. Promise, I'm not speaking from a place of knowing nothing about any of this. I just disagree - which, I think we all know from interneting, is a thing that happens.

I think that's the issue in a nutshell. How and when people communicate with their families about their health isn't about HIPAA or medicine or knowing lots of doctors and nurses. It's about knowing yourself, and your family, and the boundaries you want to draw. Your response soubds extremely condescending to me, as though because you know stuff, you couldn't possibly actually be wrong. Which, honestly, is a communication strategy based on being correct, like explaining to your FFIL that he shouldn't mind the location of your wedding because he used to take your FI to a camp that's farther away. Which, ok, so that's nice? But it's not the point at all and it's extremely off putting to try and communicate about feelings with someone who keeps digging deeper and deeper into "correct" facts.

Jen4948

nerdwife said:

@huskypupp14 and @redwoodoriginal: I respect your opinions but I just think you should never keep health problems from your family (assuming that you have relationships with them, of course). I think it's kind of condescending to decide that adult family members couldn't handle hearing it, and there are problems with keeping these kind of things from children that are way outside the scope of this post. That's just a fundamental disagreement. 

I disagree that it's "condescending" not to share medical information with family members any more than it is not to share other information with them-regardless of whether they can handle it or not. Some people can't handle it. Others use it as weapons or as an opportunity to try to control or manipulate other people. Not all family members have pure motives or respond to medical news in ways that work for those whose news it is. What is "condescending" is for you to negatively judge everyone who doesn't share medical information with their families. They might have very good reasons for not doing so.

huskypuppy14

Nerdwife, you are free to have your opinion.. You can think it's not a good idea to not tell family that you are in labor, but that doesn't change the fact that no one is entitled to know anything about your medical treatments. The primary person whose feelings matter the most, is the woman in labor, then her partner, and then the rest of the family. So if laboring mom doesn't want to tell anyone until after the baby is born, that is her prerogative.

Let's take giving birth out of it. You said you don't think it's a good idea to keep health problems from your family.I agree that I would want to know if someone in my family had a major disease like cancer or something, or if they were hospitalized, but giving birth isn't a surprise, they know it's coming. And it's very personal for people. I don't know what makes people thing it's their business how dilated you are or what procedures you had to get that baby out. Are you going to tell your family when you're having a colonoscopy, fertility treatments, or getting an IUD inserted. Are any of these things anyone else's business? And maybe you would tell your mom, because of her line of work, but that doesn't mean anyone else has to.

nerdwife

Okay, I get it, people don't agree with me. And like I said, this is a thing that's bound to happen in life and on internet forums. The OP asked for advice and I said I don't think it's a good idea to not tell ILs that she's in labor. Other people have different opinions and they told her that she shouldn't tell them (or should consider not telling them). That's totally fine. Obviously people post here to get opinions and various perspectives from non-biased people and that's what I gave (and what I very gratefully received when I asked for advice on other boards). 

I plan on telling people when I'm in labor and when I have medical problems and I really hope my family does the same. It's obviously been an issue before in my family or I wouldn't have even thought it important enough to include here. I meant well in telling her my opinion and providing one example of an experience I've had. I even included that I've struggled with mental illness because OP talked about her anxiety problem. This is intensely personal for me and not a thing I ordinarily share, but I genuinely believe what I said and wanted her to know that, in that respect, I know where she is coming from.

So I think what I'm saying is that I see that there is strong disagreement on this point and I respect that, but I feel a little like I'm getting attacked for my opinion - like what I said was wrong or malicious or bad in some way. I know it's hard to convey tone online and also internet strangers likely don't care enough about my opinion to actually get mad and be mean, but I am feeling a little bit like I'm getting attacked, so I'm just going to step back from this thread for now (which I know is kind of dramatic to announce my departure, but I'm only saying it in case people keep responding to my thread and then think I'm deliberately ignoring them or don't care).

OP, I know this is stressful for you and I really hope it all works out, however you decide to handle it. Good luck!

lyndausvi

I was thinking about this thread and realized I didn't even tell my mom I was having a biopsy on my right breast.    

Reason?  My  mom and sister both have cysts in the breast.  It's not uncommon to have one of them biopsied after the first mammogram in order to establish what is normal.   It's pretty common in my family to have these cysts.  Since I knew my family history I didn't feel the need to worry people over what might just be a cysts.  Sure enough, it was just a cyst.  Afterwards I told my mom and sister.    The conversation was like this "hey, I had a biopsy on my right breast.  Just like you, I have a cyst they wanted to make sure was a cyst.  Now they want to put that titanium chip near the cyst so they will know it's already biopsied.    Have you had that?  Did it hurt?"   That was about it.  No hard feelings.    

I'm very much a "let me find out the facts before telling others" type person.   I forget who posted the "stop me" thread but I know quite a few people  (including myself) who hears some symptoms and runs to google to "research".     Even though I have a family history of cysts in the breast, some people will hear biopsy and decide I have stage 4 cancer.  

 I would be like "slow down those horses people.  Let's find out first before you start picking out my new boobs after my double mastectomy."  Nope,  I don't think it's condescending  to wait to know the facts before releasing some information to people.  

ohmrs2014

Yea, I usually don't tell my parents about medical issues until I know its something they need to worry about.  Obviously DH is the first to know but then I decide to wait on telling everyone else until I know its something to worry about. 

With the pregnancy, DH has been the first to find everything out.  When it comes to potential of being high risk with my slightly elevated blood pressure, I didn't mention anything to my parents until after I met with the high risk doctor.  Knowing my mom suffered from the same issue when she was pregnant with me, I figured I'd mention the issue to her so I can get her perspective.  I also did tell them about the possibility of being induced earlier if the medication they gave me doesn't control it and also the possibility of a c-section.  But again, all of this was after meeting with the high risk doctor.  Why worry them if I don't need to.

banana468

lyndausvi said:

I was thinking about this thread and realized I didn't even tell my mom I was having a biopsy on my right breast.    

Reason?  My  mom and sister both have cysts in the breast.  It's not uncommon to have one of them biopsied after the first mammogram in order to establish what is normal.   It's pretty common in my family to have these cysts.  Since I knew my family history I didn't feel the need to worry people over what might just be a cysts.  Sure enough, it was just a cyst.  Afterwards I told my mom and sister.    The conversation was like this "hey, I had a biopsy on my right breast.  Just like you, I have a cyst they wanted to make sure was a cyst.  Now they want to put that titanium chip near the cyst so they will know it's already biopsied.    Have you had that?  Did it hurt?"   That was about it.  No hard feelings.    

I'm very much a "let me find out the facts before telling others" type person.   I forget who posted the "stop me" thread but I know quite a few people  (including myself) who hears some symptoms and runs to google to "research".     Even though I have a family history of cysts in the breast, some people will hear biopsy and decide I have stage 4 cancer.  

 I would be like "slow down those horses people.  Let's find out first before you start picking out my new boobs after my double mastectomy."  Nope,  I don't think it's condescending  to wait to know the facts before releasing some information to people.  

That's the point I was making with my labor experience.

When you're having a baby, it's extremely rare to have a labor experience that's what you see on television.   It's often a long process, doesn't "feel" like something intense from the start and especially with a first baby, it can take a LONG (meaning days) time.   

So looking back, I could have called my family to say, "Labor is starting!" on Friday morning.   It would have been nearly a day before baby #2 was out.   And it isn't like the family didn't know that things were happening because I was over due.

I needed the quiet time to be able to focus on making things progress.