Wedding Party

One year to go and the drama begins....

JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
I wasn't sure where to put this so I decided to come here. I would like some advice and maybe this is just me venting to other future brides who may understand what I'm going through.

So to start, from the beginning my fiancé and I only wanted to have 4 people per bridal party. So 4 on my side, 4 on his. We came to this agreement and ran with it. I have one sister and he has one brother. He didn't want his brother in the wedding (personal reasons as his brother has been in and out of jail a majority of the time we have been together, can't truly be trusted to be there for him, etc) I always wanted my sister in my bridal party. Not as a maid of honor (as I knew she didn't want the responsibility and she just wants to be apart of the day rather than having all the pressure on her to help) which I am completely fine with. I never had officially "asked" her because I just felt like the time would come and I would.

4 months ago I was talking with my parents explaining to them how if she was going to be apart of this then she definitely needs to be financially responsible herself (more background info: my parents baby her. She's 22 years old and they give her money at the drop of a hat, pay all her bills, etc) so because my parents decided to help us a bit with the wedding I didn't want them to pick up the tab because she didn't want to spend the money herself. My parents were completely on board with me and agreed at that time. I decided to go out to dinner with my sister and mom and explain all this to my sister in front of my mom so there was no misunderstanding on any sides. I asked her simply if she knew the responsibilities of being in a wedding. She responded with "no" I said ok, well you are going to be responsible for your dress, shoes, jewelry, etc. she responded with "well. I'm not going to pay for any of that". I asked her "well who do you think is? Because it's not me" and she goes "well mom and dad are going to pay for everything" mind you, my mom butted in and said no, this isn't how it's going to work etc. well in the typical fashion of my sister she snapped a gasket in the middle of the restaurant and said "I don't have the money to pay for a $800 dress and shoes (first off nobody said anything about $800 dresses or shoes, at this point no dresses were picked out and I would NEVER expect my girls to pay crazy amounts of money as I've been in a wedding and understand the cost). I told her I would never want her to pay that much and she wouldn't but there are responsibilities I need her to understand. In a nutshell she said "eff you and eff your wedding. I never asked to be apart of this and you're forcing me to be in it" I said "I'm not forcing you, I'm asking. You either want to be apart of this or you don't. So do you want to be apart of my day?" And she said "no I don't" and walked out of the restaurant.

I obviously was very upset and distraught over the way this all went down and my mom said "maybe it's best this way. She will just stress you out and you don't need to be stressed over this. It's her decision and she made it. It will be ok"

A couple weeks after this debacle I ended up asking somebody else to replace my sister. My parents knew about this, and so did my sister. I got them gifts, etc. We had also talked about the bridesmaids and groomsmen numerous times in front of both my parents and my sister. There was no confusion as to who or who wasn't in the wedding. I should add that I was also a little upset at the fact that my parents never stuck up for me when this happened. They not once went to my sister and said "listen, you are going to regret not being in your only sisters wedding. I think you should rethink this, etc" Not once did they ever say anything to her.

So cut to now. We are a year to the wedding. I have my whole party, he has his whole party. I made an appt in December to go dress shopping for myself. I rented out a dress place on a Sunday for the girls and whoever would like to join. I had asked my mom if I should include my sister even though she isn't in the party. I already knew the answer but I just wanted to get a definite count. Well, cut to Monday and my dad asked me to call my mom at home. I call her and she goes "I think there is a little miscommunication about what's going on with your bridal party" I was like "ok.....what's the confusion" and she goes "well when I told your sister not to make plans for December she turned around and asked if she would be picking her dress the same day as you. And I asked her what she meant and she said you know, my bridesmaids dress. I'm still picking that out right?" Naturally my parents were like whoa whoa whoa. You told her you didn't want to be in the wedding. She goes "No, I didn't want to be the maid of honor. I never said I didn't want to be a bridesmaid." To be clear, I never once mentioned maid of honor to her because my childhood best friend is my maid of honor and that was the decision from the beginning." So I asked my mom what she was getting at and she said "well can't you just add her into the wedding?" Now, I probably could but the decision from the beginning was NO MORE than 4 per side. And if I add one person on my side it's uneven, and we don't want that. I told my mom I would call her back the next day to discuss this.

So cut to yesterday, I get out of work and call my mom. I start the conversation with what I said before. How I'm really upset at the fact that my mom and dad didn't say anything to her 4 months ago about this and how they didn't sit her down and explain to her what she was really saying no to, and now they are guilt tripping me into changing everything because now all of a sudden she wants to be involved. My mom said that my sister didn't understand what she was agreeing to because she's never been in a wedding. I completely understand all that, but like I said to my mom, she's 22 years old. If you don't know something, look it up. Ask questions. Don't act like you're 6 years old and tell me to go eff myself and run out of the restaurant because you don't like what we are saying.

So and argument ensues. My mother starts berating me and my fiancé asking why we can't just add more people. First off, it's more money (bouquet, hair and makeup since I'm offering to pay for that, another gift etc) and we already have these things set. Yes it's a year away, but I made additional plans BECAUSE she said 4 months ago she wanted nothing o do with this. I said "I am not adding more people because now she decides she wants to be in the wedding it doesn't work this way. This is my wedding and I'm sorry but she made her own decision when she acted the way she did. Why didn't you ask her why she didn't want to be apart of this and now you're screaming at me to change it." So because I wasn't saying anything she liked she started in with the "well how often do you talk to (bridesmaid #1) how often do you talk to (bridesmaid #2) why do they get to be in the wedding and she can't?" I simply responded with "you aren't going to sit here and question who my friends are or aren't. Again; this is MY wedding and my decision. I'm sorry" I could then hear my dad in the background screaming that the reason I don't want my sister in the wedding is because I'm afraid she's going to embarrass me and that's the true reason and he's not happy about this. First off, those words never came out of my mouth and second off, she is the reason she's not in the wedding, not me. Then he proceeded to stay he's going to tell all my bridesmaids and my fiancé how he's not happy and they don't deserve to be in my wedding and he will tell them how they feel.

After about 10 minutes of going back and forth my mom made the comment of "who is paying for this wedding, we are". I calmly replied with "mom, not for nothing. While we appreciate the fact you gave us money in the beginning, you haven't given us money since then and that was a year ago. We still have plenty to pay off before the wedding is "paid" and the last time I checked we are all paying for this wedding and my money is just as green as yours". She ended the conversation with "you're a disappointment" and hung up the phone on me.

After all this, it's safe to say my fiancé is truly not happy. It's causing us to fight because he is done with the way my family treats me and how it affects how I feel. Ultimately this is his wedding too and he said the decision is made. I cried about this 4 months ago and it changed nothing so I did what I needed to do to start getting all my ducks in order. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore and he's over it. My question is, should I give in and just make an extra spot for her to make everybody happy? Or leave it the way it is. I feel like I'll be going against all the original plans we had for our wedding. We planned it this way for a reason and it's not my fault that she said no and is not retracting her statement. We came up with the idea that maybe my sister and his brother can walk down together, just not stand with us, but that way they are still apart of the day, just have no responsibility. I'm super upset at the fact that this is supposed to be a happy time and I'm being guilt tripped into something that honestly isn't even my problem at this point but is being made into my problem.

We have also decided not to take any more money from my parents as it seems like they feel they threw us some money and they feel that they can just dictate to us how our wedding will be because they helped us a bit. I was told by numerous people that weddings bring out the worst in people and I didn't think it would be this way until now. I just need advice on maybe what I should do or how I should approach this with them. Thanks in advance to anybody that reads all this. Also sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors. Typing all this on an iPhone is no good! Haha

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Re: One year to go and the drama begins....

  • I wasn't sure where to put this so I decided to come here. I would like some advice and maybe this is just me venting to other future brides who may understand what I'm going through. So to start, from the beginning my fiancé and I only wanted to have 4 people per bridal party. So 4 on my side, 4 on his. We came to this agreement and ran with it. I have one sister and he has one brother. He didn't want his brother in the wedding (personal reasons as his brother has been in and out of jail a majority of the time we have been together, can't truly be trusted to be there for him, etc) I always wanted my sister in my bridal party. Not as a maid of honor (as I knew she didn't want the responsibility and she just wants to be apart of the day rather than having all the pressure on her to help) which I am completely fine with. I never had officially "asked" her because I just felt like the time would come and I would. 4 months ago I was talking with my parents explaining to them how if she was going to be apart of this then she definitely needs to be financially responsible herself (more background info: my parents baby her. She's 22 years old and they give her money at the drop of a hat, pay all her bills, etc) so because my parents decided to help us a bit with the wedding I didn't want them to pick up the tab because she didn't want to spend the money herself. My parents were completely on board with me and agreed at that time. I decided to go out to dinner with my sister and mom and explain all this to my sister in front of my mom so there was no misunderstanding on any sides. I asked her simply if she knew the responsibilities of being in a wedding. She responded with "no" I said ok, well you are going to be responsible for your dress, shoes, jewelry, etc. she responded with "well. I'm not going to pay for any of that". I asked her "well who do you think is? Because it's not me" and she goes "well mom and dad are going to pay for everything" mind you, my mom butted in and said no, this isn't how it's going to work etc. well in the typical fashion of my sister she snapped a gasket in the middle of the restaurant and said "I don't have the money to pay for a $800 dress and shoes (first off nobody said anything about $800 dresses or shoes, at this point no dresses were picked out and I would NEVER expect my girls to pay crazy amounts of money as I've been in a wedding and understand the cost). I told her I would never want her to pay that much and she wouldn't but there are responsibilities I need her to understand. In a nutshell she said "eff you and eff your wedding. I never asked to be apart of this and you're forcing me to be in it" I said "I'm not forcing you, I'm asking. You either want to be apart of this or you don't. So do you want to be apart of my day?" And she said "no I don't" and walked out of the restaurant. I obviously was very upset and distraught over the way this all went down and my mom said "maybe it's best this way. She will just stress you out and you don't need to be stressed over this. It's her decision and she made it. It will be ok" A couple weeks after this debacle I ended up asking somebody else to replace my sister. My parents knew about this, and so did my sister. I got them gifts, etc. We had also talked about the bridesmaids and groomsmen numerous times in front of both my parents and my sister. There was no confusion as to who or who wasn't in the wedding. I should add that I was also a little upset at the fact that my parents never stuck up for me when this happened. They not once went to my sister and said "listen, you are going to regret not being in your only sisters wedding. I think you should rethink this, etc" Not once did they ever say anything to her. So cut to now. We are a year to the wedding. I have my whole party, he has his whole party. I made an appt in December to go dress shopping for myself. I rented out a dress place on a Sunday for the girls and whoever would like to join. I had asked my mom if I should include my sister even though she isn't in the party. I already knew the answer but I just wanted to get a definite count. Well, cut to Monday and my dad asked me to call my mom at home. I call her and she goes "I think there is a little miscommunication about what's going on with your bridal party" I was like "ok.....what's the confusion" and she goes "well when I told your sister not to make plans for December she turned around and asked if she would be picking her dress the same day as you. And I asked her what she meant and she said you know, my bridesmaids dress. I'm still picking that out right?" Naturally my parents were like whoa whoa whoa. You told her you didn't want to be in the wedding. She goes "No, I didn't want to be the maid of honor. I never said I didn't want to be a bridesmaid." To be clear, I never once mentioned maid of honor to her because my childhood best friend is my maid of honor and that was the decision from the beginning." So I asked my mom what she was getting at and she said "well can't you just add her into the wedding?" Now, I probably could but the decision from the beginning was NO MORE than 4 per side. And if I add one person on my side it's uneven, and we don't want that. I told my mom I would call her back the next day to discuss this. So cut to yesterday, I get out of work and call my mom. I start the conversation with what I said before. How I'm really upset at the fact that my mom and dad didn't say anything to her 4 months ago about this and how they didn't sit her down and explain to her what she was really saying no to, and now they are guilt tripping me into changing everything because now all of a sudden she wants to be involved. My mom said that my sister didn't understand what she was agreeing to because she's never been in a wedding. I completely understand all that, but like I said to my mom, she's 22 years old. If you don't know something, look it up. Ask questions. Don't act like you're 6 years old and tell me to go eff myself and run out of the restaurant because you don't like what we are saying. So and argument ensues. My mother starts berating me and my fiancé asking why we can't just add more people. First off, it's more money (bouquet, hair and makeup since I'm offering to pay for that, another gift etc) and we already have these things set. Yes it's a year away, but I made additional plans BECAUSE she said 4 months ago she wanted nothing o do with this. I said "I am not adding more people because now she decides she wants to be in the wedding it doesn't work this way. This is my wedding and I'm sorry but she made her own decision when she acted the way she did. Why didn't you ask her why she didn't want to be apart of this and now you're screaming at me to change it." So because I wasn't saying anything she liked she started in with the "well how often do you talk to (bridesmaid #1) how often do you talk to (bridesmaid #2) why do they get to be in the wedding and she can't?" I simply responded with "you aren't going to sit here and question who my friends are or aren't. Again; this is MY wedding and my decision. I'm sorry" I could then hear my dad in the background screaming that the reason I don't want my sister in the wedding is because I'm afraid she's going to embarrass me and that's the true reason and he's not happy about this. First off, those words never came out of my mouth and second off, she is the reason she's not in the wedding, not me. Then he proceeded to stay he's going to tell all my bridesmaids and my fiancé how he's not happy and they don't deserve to be in my wedding and he will tell them how they feel. After about 10 minutes of going back and forth my mom made the comment of "who is paying for this wedding, we are". I calmly replied with "mom, not for nothing. While we appreciate the fact you gave us money in the beginning, you haven't given us money since then and that was a year ago. We still have plenty to pay off before the wedding is "paid" and the last time I checked we are all paying for this wedding and my money is just as green as yours". She ended the conversation with "you're a disappointment" and hung up the phone on me. After all this, it's safe to say my fiancé is truly not happy. It's causing us to fight because he is done with the way my family treats me and how it affects how I feel. Ultimately this is his wedding too and he said the decision is made. I cried about this 4 months ago and it changed nothing so I did what I needed to do to start getting all my ducks in order. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore and he's over it. My question is, should I give in and just make an extra spot for her to make everybody happy? Or leave it the way it is. I feel like I'll be going against all the original plans we had for our wedding. We planned it this way for a reason and it's not my fault that she said no and is not retracting her statement. We came up with the idea that maybe my sister and his brother can walk down together, just not stand with us, but that way they are still apart of the day, just have no responsibility. I'm super upset at the fact that this is supposed to be a happy time and I'm being guilt tripped into something that honestly isn't even my problem at this point but is being made into my problem. We have also decided not to take any more money from my parents as it seems like they feel they threw us some money and they feel that they can just dictate to us how our wedding will be because they helped us a bit. I was told by numerous people that weddings bring out the worst in people and I didn't think it would be this way until now. I just need advice on maybe what I should do or how I should approach this with them. Thanks in advance to anybody that reads all this. Also sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors. Typing all this on an iPhone is no good! Haha
    Shit, I need a drink after reading all that.

    You need to sit down with your parents and have a firm conversation.  Thank them for the money that have provided to help.  Let them know that your bridal party is YOUR decision.  This is not up for debate.  If you mom or dad brings it up again, calmly remind them that the decision of who is in the bridal party does not involve their input.  Nip that shit right in the bud.  Tell your mom as well that all discussion about the wedding between you  & your sister needs to be just that - you and your sister.  Ask her to not meddle.

    Do you include your sister or not?  That is a decision for you and you alone.  You don't need even sides.  If you have 5 people on your side and he has 4, nobody will give a rat's ass.  Also, there is no "pressure" to worry about.  Nobody in your bridal party should be expected to help out.  She shows up sober wearing the dress.  That's all she needs to do. 

    If you decide not to include your sister in your bridal party, don't have her & his brother process in.  That sounds dumb.  If you want to involve them in some way, ask them to do a reading or something.  Give her a corsage & give him a bout.

    Bottom line - tell your parents that this part of your wedding does not involve their input.
    image
    JediElizabethJamieLynn913
  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    ^ I need a drink after writing all that lmao.

    Thank you for the input. My fiancé said the same thing. He's not understanding why my parents are getting involved when if its an issue my sister should be coming to me as well. She also never apologized (not that I need an apology) for how she treated me and basically told me "yeah screw your wedding". But it would show she's serious.

    The other thought that came up is ok, let's say I include her. Who's to say that 4 months from the wedding she decides she doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore? That she doesn't want the responsibility. I couldn't make it any more clear to her that she truly didn't need to do anything but literally show up to get fitted for her dress and hang out with the girls and I when we do wedding stuff. I can't imagine at 22 years old you have no idea how any of this works. The snide ass comments from my parents are most definitely not needed. My fiancé has made it perfectly clear he's done with this conversation. He's a little bothered at the fact that this is his wedding as well, yet they come to me to degrade my feelings and put this all on me, but won't contact him. One of the other girls brough up a reading as well, so it's an idea that has been tossed around.

  • I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it seems like your family is being very unreasonable. I personally would not cave and allow your sister to be a bridesmaid, because based on her past behavior it seems like she would be difficult and demanding throughout the process and just add to your stress. Allowing her back in the wedding party after she declined also feeds into your parents habit of enabling her. That said, is there another role in the wedding available that maybe she could fill, such as a reader? That way, she still gets to feel involved while you don't have to change up the wedding party. Maybe this could help pacify her and your parents while still keeping things the way you and your fi want?  
    JamieLynn913
  • ^ I need a drink after writing all that lmao. Thank you for the input. My fiancé said the same thing. He's not understanding why my parents are getting involved when if its an issue my sister should be coming to me as well. She also never apologized (not that I need an apology) for how she treated me and basically told me "yeah screw your wedding". But it would show she's serious. The other thought that came up is ok, let's say I include her. Who's to say that 4 months from the wedding she decides she doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore? That she doesn't want the responsibility. I couldn't make it any more clear to her that she truly didn't need to do anything but literally show up to get fitted for her dress and hang out with the girls and I when we do wedding stuff. I can't imagine at 22 years old you have no idea how any of this works. The snide ass comments from my parents are most definitely not needed. My fiancé has made it perfectly clear he's done with this conversation. He's a little bothered at the fact that this is his wedding as well, yet they come to me to degrade my feelings and put this all on me, but won't contact him. One of the other girls brough up a reading as well, so it's an idea that has been tossed around.
    If she decides she doesn't want to be in the wedding, you obviously cancel the whole thing.

    Oh wait. No, you don't. 

    If she decides she doesn't want to be in it, then you only have three standing up on your side. Everything else still goes on as planned. 

    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueens
  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its



    I wasn't sure where to put this so I decided to come here. I would like some advice and maybe this is just me venting to other future brides who may understand what I'm going through.

    So to start, from the beginning my fiancé and I only wanted to have 4 people per bridal party. So 4 on my side, 4 on his. We came to this agreement and ran with it. I have one sister and he has one brother. He didn't want his brother in the wedding (personal reasons as his brother has been in and out of jail a majority of the time we have been together, can't truly be trusted to be there for him, etc) I always wanted my sister in my bridal party. Not as a maid of honor (as I knew she didn't want the responsibility and she just wants to be apart of the day rather than having all the pressure on her to help) which I am completely fine with. I never had officially "asked" her because I just felt like the time would come and I would.

    4 months ago I was talking with my parents explaining to them how if she was going to be apart of this then she definitely needs to be financially responsible herself (more background info: my parents baby her. She's 22 years old and they give her money at the drop of a hat, pay all her bills, etc) so because my parents decided to help us a bit with the wedding I didn't want them to pick up the tab because she didn't want to spend the money herself. My parents were completely on board with me and agreed at that time. I decided to go out to dinner with my sister and mom and explain all this to my sister in front of my mom so there was no misunderstanding on any sides. I asked her simply if she knew the responsibilities of being in a wedding. She responded with "no" I said ok, well you are going to be responsible for your dress, shoes, jewelry, etc. she responded with "well. I'm not going to pay for any of that". I asked her "well who do you think is? Because it's not me" and she goes "well mom and dad are going to pay for everything" mind you, my mom butted in and said no, this isn't how it's going to work etc. well in the typical fashion of my sister she snapped a gasket in the middle of the restaurant and said "I don't have the money to pay for a $800 dress and shoes (first off nobody said anything about $800 dresses or shoes, at this point no dresses were picked out and I would NEVER expect my girls to pay crazy amounts of money as I've been in a wedding and understand the cost). I told her I would never want her to pay that much and she wouldn't but there are responsibilities I need her to understand. In a nutshell she said "eff you and eff your wedding. I never asked to be apart of this and you're forcing me to be in it" I said "I'm not forcing you, I'm asking. You either want to be apart of this or you don't. So do you want to be apart of my day?" And she said "no I don't" and walked out of the restaurant.

    I obviously was very upset and distraught over the way this all went down and my mom said "maybe it's best this way. She will just stress you out and you don't need to be stressed over this. It's her decision and she made it. It will be ok"

    A couple weeks after this debacle I ended up asking somebody else to replace my sister. My parents knew about this, and so did my sister. I got them gifts, etc. We had also talked about the bridesmaids and groomsmen numerous times in front of both my parents and my sister. There was no confusion as to who or who wasn't in the wedding. I should add that I was also a little upset at the fact that my parents never stuck up for me when this happened. They not once went to my sister and said "listen, you are going to regret not being in your only sisters wedding. I think you should rethink this, etc" Not once did they ever say anything to her.

    So cut to now. We are a year to the wedding. I have my whole party, he has his whole party. I made an appt in December to go dress shopping for myself. I rented out a dress place on a Sunday for the girls and whoever would like to join. I had asked my mom if I should include my sister even though she isn't in the party. I already knew the answer but I just wanted to get a definite count. Well, cut to Monday and my dad asked me to call my mom at home. I call her and she goes "I think there is a little miscommunication about what's going on with your bridal party" I was like "ok.....what's the confusion" and she goes "well when I told your sister not to make plans for December she turned around and asked if she would be picking her dress the same day as you. And I asked her what she meant and she said you know, my bridesmaids dress. I'm still picking that out right?" Naturally my parents were like whoa whoa whoa. You told her you didn't want to be in the wedding. She goes "No, I didn't want to be the maid of honor. I never said I didn't want to be a bridesmaid." To be clear, I never once mentioned maid of honor to her because my childhood best friend is my maid of honor and that was the decision from the beginning." So I asked my mom what she was getting at and she said "well can't you just add her into the wedding?" Now, I probably could but the decision from the beginning was NO MORE than 4 per side. And if I add one person on my side it's uneven, and we don't want that. I told my mom I would call her back the next day to discuss this.

    So cut to yesterday, I get out of work and call my mom. I start the conversation with what I said before. How I'm really upset at the fact that my mom and dad didn't say anything to her 4 months ago about this and how they didn't sit her down and explain to her what she was really saying no to, and now they are guilt tripping me into changing everything because now all of a sudden she wants to be involved. My mom said that my sister didn't understand what she was agreeing to because she's never been in a wedding. I completely understand all that, but like I said to my mom, she's 22 years old. If you don't know something, look it up. Ask questions. Don't act like you're 6 years old and tell me to go eff myself and run out of the restaurant because you don't like what we are saying.

    So and argument ensues. My mother starts berating me and my fiancé asking why we can't just add more people. First off, it's more money (bouquet, hair and makeup since I'm offering to pay for that, another gift etc) and we already have these things set. Yes it's a year away, but I made additional plans BECAUSE she said 4 months ago she wanted nothing o do with this. I said "I am not adding more people because now she decides she wants to be in the wedding it doesn't work this way. This is my wedding and I'm sorry but she made her own decision when she acted the way she did. Why didn't you ask her why she didn't want to be apart of this and now you're screaming at me to change it." So because I wasn't saying anything she liked she started in with the "well how often do you talk to (bridesmaid #1) how often do you talk to (bridesmaid #2) why do they get to be in the wedding and she can't?" I simply responded with "you aren't going to sit here and question who my friends are or aren't. Again; this is MY wedding and my decision. I'm sorry" I could then hear my dad in the background screaming that the reason I don't want my sister in the wedding is because I'm afraid she's going to embarrass me and that's the true reason and he's not happy about this. First off, those words never came out of my mouth and second off, she is the reason she's not in the wedding, not me. Then he proceeded to stay he's going to tell all my bridesmaids and my fiancé how he's not happy and they don't deserve to be in my wedding and he will tell them how they feel.

    After about 10 minutes of going back and forth my mom made the comment of "who is paying for this wedding, we are". I calmly replied with "mom, not for nothing. While we appreciate the fact you gave us money in the beginning, you haven't given us money since then and that was a year ago. We still have plenty to pay off before the wedding is "paid" and the last time I checked we are all paying for this wedding and my money is just as green as yours". She ended the conversation with "you're a disappointment" and hung up the phone on me.

    After all this, it's safe to say my fiancé is truly not happy. It's causing us to fight because he is done with the way my family treats me and how it affects how I feel. Ultimately this is his wedding too and he said the decision is made. I cried about this 4 months ago and it changed nothing so I did what I needed to do to start getting all my ducks in order. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore and he's over it. My question is, should I give in and just make an extra spot for her to make everybody happy? Or leave it the way it is. I feel like I'll be going against all the original plans we had for our wedding. We planned it this way for a reason and it's not my fault that she said no and is not retracting her statement. We came up with the idea that maybe my sister and his brother can walk down together, just not stand with us, but that way they are still apart of the day, just have no responsibility. I'm super upset at the fact that this is supposed to be a happy time and I'm being guilt tripped into something that honestly isn't even my problem at this point but is being made into my problem.

    We have also decided not to take any more money from my parents as it seems like they feel they threw us some money and they feel that they can just dictate to us how our wedding will be because they helped us a bit. I was told by numerous people that weddings bring out the worst in people and I didn't think it would be this way until now. I just need advice on maybe what I should do or how I should approach this with them. Thanks in advance to anybody that reads all this. Also sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors. Typing all this on an iPhone is no good! Haha

    Ok, I skimmed this, but there seem to be several issues here:

    1.) Dont replace BMs- that is beyond rude. I agree with your mother that I would be disappointed with my child's behaviour if they acted the way you did. 

    2.) Who cares where the money is coming from for your sister's dress?! She just has to get it and if it is from money from your parents, and they are happy to pay, why does it matter?

    3.) This seems like it all stems from you being upset with your parents about giving her money, which is funny considering you are accepting money from them for your wedding (not exactly doing it all on your own, either. Which is fine, BTW, but acknowledge you are being hypocritical here).

    4.) All a BM or MOH has to do is show up on the day in the dress. There are no other responsibilities or duties

    5.) You sound BEYOND ungrateful to what your parents have given you. Frankly,  you sound like a spoilt brat. 

    6.) Even sides are not a "thing" and if you are picking your bridal parties for numbers, and your Fi is upset about mismatching, he also has some major growing up to do.

    7.) Actually, YOU have to pay for shoes and jewellery if it is required

    8.) Kicking a bridemaid out of the wedding is one of the meanest, rudest and quite possibly downright nasty things a bride can do (which you did by 'replacing' her). I can't imagine doing that to your own sister. Shame on you. 

    You are correct that weddings bring out the worst in people, and I think you need a good, long look in the mirror to see who is really to blame for this situation. 

    Money always comes with strings and it doesn't sound like your parents are being unreasonable. You can stop accepting money from them, sure, but until you pay them back for what they have already contributed, they absolutely can dictate how they would like the event to go. 

    It sounds like you have some major apologies and growing up to do... 


    I think by you skimming the entire story, you got the points all wrong.

    1. I didn't replace anybody. My sister clearly said she DID NOT want to be apart of the wedding. Simple as that. I should also add in my conversation with my mother yesterday she basically DEMANDED I take away one of my bridesmaids to re-add my sister into the mix. So how am I being the rude one? She didn't want to be apart of it, I found somebody else. If the tables were turned and somebody asked me to be a bridesmaid and then a couple months later said "you know what? My (so and so) decided she wants to be in the wedding, sorry but she's taking your spot" she would flip a shit.

    2 & 3. I'm not upset if they want to pay for it. I shoudnt have to explain every little thing about my life, but I'm far from a spoiled brat. I put myself through college with no help from them (NOT that a parent is required to put their children through college) and everything I have in my life I've earned MYSELF. I have never asked them for money. My sister on the other hand, is 22 and has no idea what it's like to work for anything because my parents baby her. I just didn't want my parents to feel like they needed to shell all this money out for her. I wanted her to truly be apart of it. I was in a wedding and understood the expenses and didn't expect anybody else to pay my way, that's all.

    And lastly, I'm going off what I know from being in the wedding I was in. We paid for our dresses, shoes and jewelry. She paid for hair and makeup for us. I don't need to be 100% traditional in the way things are paid or who paid for what. And frankly if it came down to it, I could give them the money they gave to me because while I DO appreciate what they gave me, it's not an amount that equals you dictating what happens on the day of my wedding.

    I don't want to sound snarky to you, but don't skim through the story and tell me I'm the ungrateful one here, because it really is the farthest from the truth.

  • ^ I need a drink after writing all that lmao. Thank you for the input. My fiancé said the same thing. He's not understanding why my parents are getting involved when if its an issue my sister should be coming to me as well. She also never apologized (not that I need an apology) for how she treated me and basically told me "yeah screw your wedding". But it would show she's serious. The other thought that came up is ok, let's say I include her. Who's to say that 4 months from the wedding she decides she doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore? That she doesn't want the responsibility. I couldn't make it any more clear to her that she truly didn't need to do anything but literally show up to get fitted for her dress and hang out with the girls and I when we do wedding stuff. I can't imagine at 22 years old you have no idea how any of this works. The snide ass comments from my parents are most definitely not needed. My fiancé has made it perfectly clear he's done with this conversation. He's a little bothered at the fact that this is his wedding as well, yet they come to me to degrade my feelings and put this all on me, but won't contact him. One of the other girls brough up a reading as well, so it's an idea that has been tossed around.
    I was in a wedding once where a bridesmaid had to back out of the wedding a few months before it due to a work conflilct.  The world kept spinning.
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  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
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    ^ I need a drink after writing all that lmao.

    Thank you for the input. My fiancé said the same thing. He's not understanding why my parents are getting involved when if its an issue my sister should be coming to me as well. She also never apologized (not that I need an apology) for how she treated me and basically told me "yeah screw your wedding". But it would show she's serious.

    The other thought that came up is ok, let's say I include her. Who's to say that 4 months from the wedding she decides she doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore? That she doesn't want the responsibility. I couldn't make it any more clear to her that she truly didn't need to do anything but literally show up to get fitted for her dress and hang out with the girls and I when we do wedding stuff. I can't imagine at 22 years old you have no idea how any of this works. The snide ass comments from my parents are most definitely not needed. My fiancé has made it perfectly clear he's done with this conversation. He's a little bothered at the fact that this is his wedding as well, yet they come to me to degrade my feelings and put this all on me, but won't contact him. One of the other girls brough up a reading as well, so it's an idea that has been tossed around.

    I was in a wedding once where a bridesmaid had to back out of the wedding a few months before it due to a work conflilct.  The world kept spinning.


    I hope the world would keep spinning! I guess what I was trying to say it's "you made a huge deal about being apart of this and now all of a sudden you don't" it's like all this fighting and bitching and moaning would have been for nothing" damned if you do, damned if you don't. I really think the reading idea is the best bet at this point. It's an equal opportunity for her to be involved and it's not like she is banished from not doing anything "wedding related" with me. It was never like that to begin with anyways.

  • Ugh. This is such a mess. But generally, you've both made some errors in judgement. What's done is done as far as asking another person to be your BM, so it's not worth going into (except to tell lurkers not to do it).

    Going forward from now, I wouldn't have your sister in the wedding at all, not in the least because she'll probably be a nightmare to have around. She can come as a guest, and pick out and pay for her own dress. It sounds like she's the kind of person who needs to learn that actions have consequences, and your family needs to stop shielding her from those consequences.
  • I wasn't sure where to put this so I decided to come here. I would like some advice and maybe this is just me venting to other future brides who may understand what I'm going through. So to start, from the beginning my fiancé and I only wanted to have 4 people per bridal party. So 4 on my side, 4 on his. We came to this agreement and ran with it. I have one sister and he has one brother. He didn't want his brother in the wedding (personal reasons as his brother has been in and out of jail a majority of the time we have been together, can't truly be trusted to be there for him, etc) I always wanted my sister in my bridal party. Not as a maid of honor (as I knew she didn't want the responsibility and she just wants to be apart of the day rather than having all the pressure on her to help) which I am completely fine with. I never had officially "asked" her because I just felt like the time would come and I would. 4 months ago I was talking with my parents explaining to them how if she was going to be apart of this then she definitely needs to be financially responsible herself (more background info: my parents baby her. She's 22 years old and they give her money at the drop of a hat, pay all her bills, etc) so because my parents decided to help us a bit with the wedding I didn't want them to pick up the tab because she didn't want to spend the money herself. My parents were completely on board with me and agreed at that time. I decided to go out to dinner with my sister and mom and explain all this to my sister in front of my mom so there was no misunderstanding on any sides. I asked her simply if she knew the responsibilities of being in a wedding. She responded with "no" I said ok, well you are going to be responsible for your dress, shoes, jewelry, etc. she responded with "well. I'm not going to pay for any of that". I asked her "well who do you think is? Because it's not me" and she goes "well mom and dad are going to pay for everything" mind you, my mom butted in and said no, this isn't how it's going to work etc. well in the typical fashion of my sister she snapped a gasket in the middle of the restaurant and said "I don't have the money to pay for a $800 dress and shoes (first off nobody said anything about $800 dresses or shoes, at this point no dresses were picked out and I would NEVER expect my girls to pay crazy amounts of money as I've been in a wedding and understand the cost). I told her I would never want her to pay that much and she wouldn't but there are responsibilities I need her to understand. In a nutshell she said "eff you and eff your wedding. I never asked to be apart of this and you're forcing me to be in it" I said "I'm not forcing you, I'm asking. You either want to be apart of this or you don't. So do you want to be apart of my day?" And she said "no I don't" and walked out of the restaurant. I obviously was very upset and distraught over the way this all went down and my mom said "maybe it's best this way. She will just stress you out and you don't need to be stressed over this. It's her decision and she made it. It will be ok" A couple weeks after this debacle I ended up asking somebody else to replace my sister. My parents knew about this, and so did my sister. I got them gifts, etc. We had also talked about the bridesmaids and groomsmen numerous times in front of both my parents and my sister. There was no confusion as to who or who wasn't in the wedding. I should add that I was also a little upset at the fact that my parents never stuck up for me when this happened. They not once went to my sister and said "listen, you are going to regret not being in your only sisters wedding. I think you should rethink this, etc" Not once did they ever say anything to her. So cut to now. We are a year to the wedding. I have my whole party, he has his whole party. I made an appt in December to go dress shopping for myself. I rented out a dress place on a Sunday for the girls and whoever would like to join. I had asked my mom if I should include my sister even though she isn't in the party. I already knew the answer but I just wanted to get a definite count. Well, cut to Monday and my dad asked me to call my mom at home. I call her and she goes "I think there is a little miscommunication about what's going on with your bridal party" I was like "ok.....what's the confusion" and she goes "well when I told your sister not to make plans for December she turned around and asked if she would be picking her dress the same day as you. And I asked her what she meant and she said you know, my bridesmaids dress. I'm still picking that out right?" Naturally my parents were like whoa whoa whoa. You told her you didn't want to be in the wedding. She goes "No, I didn't want to be the maid of honor. I never said I didn't want to be a bridesmaid." To be clear, I never once mentioned maid of honor to her because my childhood best friend is my maid of honor and that was the decision from the beginning." So I asked my mom what she was getting at and she said "well can't you just add her into the wedding?" Now, I probably could but the decision from the beginning was NO MORE than 4 per side. And if I add one person on my side it's uneven, and we don't want that. I told my mom I would call her back the next day to discuss this. So cut to yesterday, I get out of work and call my mom. I start the conversation with what I said before. How I'm really upset at the fact that my mom and dad didn't say anything to her 4 months ago about this and how they didn't sit her down and explain to her what she was really saying no to, and now they are guilt tripping me into changing everything because now all of a sudden she wants to be involved. My mom said that my sister didn't understand what she was agreeing to because she's never been in a wedding. I completely understand all that, but like I said to my mom, she's 22 years old. If you don't know something, look it up. Ask questions. Don't act like you're 6 years old and tell me to go eff myself and run out of the restaurant because you don't like what we are saying. So and argument ensues. My mother starts berating me and my fiancé asking why we can't just add more people. First off, it's more money (bouquet, hair and makeup since I'm offering to pay for that, another gift etc) and we already have these things set. Yes it's a year away, but I made additional plans BECAUSE she said 4 months ago she wanted nothing o do with this. I said "I am not adding more people because now she decides she wants to be in the wedding it doesn't work this way. This is my wedding and I'm sorry but she made her own decision when she acted the way she did. Why didn't you ask her why she didn't want to be apart of this and now you're screaming at me to change it." So because I wasn't saying anything she liked she started in with the "well how often do you talk to (bridesmaid #1) how often do you talk to (bridesmaid #2) why do they get to be in the wedding and she can't?" I simply responded with "you aren't going to sit here and question who my friends are or aren't. Again; this is MY wedding and my decision. I'm sorry" I could then hear my dad in the background screaming that the reason I don't want my sister in the wedding is because I'm afraid she's going to embarrass me and that's the true reason and he's not happy about this. First off, those words never came out of my mouth and second off, she is the reason she's not in the wedding, not me. Then he proceeded to stay he's going to tell all my bridesmaids and my fiancé how he's not happy and they don't deserve to be in my wedding and he will tell them how they feel. After about 10 minutes of going back and forth my mom made the comment of "who is paying for this wedding, we are". I calmly replied with "mom, not for nothing. While we appreciate the fact you gave us money in the beginning, you haven't given us money since then and that was a year ago. We still have plenty to pay off before the wedding is "paid" and the last time I checked we are all paying for this wedding and my money is just as green as yours". She ended the conversation with "you're a disappointment" and hung up the phone on me. After all this, it's safe to say my fiancé is truly not happy. It's causing us to fight because he is done with the way my family treats me and how it affects how I feel. Ultimately this is his wedding too and he said the decision is made. I cried about this 4 months ago and it changed nothing so I did what I needed to do to start getting all my ducks in order. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore and he's over it. My question is, should I give in and just make an extra spot for her to make everybody happy? Or leave it the way it is. I feel like I'll be going against all the original plans we had for our wedding. We planned it this way for a reason and it's not my fault that she said no and is not retracting her statement. We came up with the idea that maybe my sister and his brother can walk down together, just not stand with us, but that way they are still apart of the day, just have no responsibility. I'm super upset at the fact that this is supposed to be a happy time and I'm being guilt tripped into something that honestly isn't even my problem at this point but is being made into my problem. We have also decided not to take any more money from my parents as it seems like they feel they threw us some money and they feel that they can just dictate to us how our wedding will be because they helped us a bit. I was told by numerous people that weddings bring out the worst in people and I didn't think it would be this way until now. I just need advice on maybe what I should do or how I should approach this with them. Thanks in advance to anybody that reads all this. Also sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors. Typing all this on an iPhone is no good! Haha
    Ok, I skimmed this, but there seem to be several issues here:

    1.) Dont replace BMs- that is beyond rude. I agree with your mother that I would be disappointed with my child's behaviour if they acted the way you did. 

    2.) Who cares where the money is coming from for your sister's dress?! She just has to get it and if it is from money from your parents, and they are happy to pay, why does it matter?

    3.) This seems like it all stems from you being upset with your parents about giving her money, which is funny considering you are accepting money from them for your wedding (not exactly doing it all on your own, either. Which is fine, BTW, but acknowledge you are being hypocritical here).

    4.) All a BM or MOH has to do is show up on the day in the dress. There are no other responsibilities or duties

    5.) You sound BEYOND ungrateful to what your parents have given you. Frankly,  you sound like a spoilt brat. 

    6.) Even sides are not a "thing" and if you are picking your bridal parties for numbers, and your Fi is upset about mismatching, he also has some major growing up to do.

    7.) Actually, YOU have to pay for shoes and jewellery if it is required

    8.) Kicking a bridemaid out of the wedding is one of the meanest, rudest and quite possibly downright nasty things a bride can do (which you did by 'replacing' her). I can't imagine doing that to your own sister. Shame on you. 

    You are correct that weddings bring out the worst in people, and I think you need a good, long look in the mirror to see who is really to blame for this situation. 

    Money always comes with strings and it doesn't sound like your parents are being unreasonable. You can stop accepting money from them, sure, but until you pay them back for what they have already contributed, they absolutely can dictate how they would like the event to go. 

    It sounds like you have some major apologies and growing up to do... 
    I think by you skimming the entire story, you got the points all wrong. 1. I didn't replace anybody. My sister clearly said she DID NOT want to be apart of the wedding. Simple as that. I should also add in my conversation with my mother yesterday she basically DEMANDED I take away one of my bridesmaids to re-add my sister into the mix. So how am I being the rude one? She didn't want to be apart of it, I found somebody else. If the tables were turned and somebody asked me to be a bridesmaid and then a couple months later said "you know what? My (so and so) decided she wants to be in the wedding, sorry but she's taking your spot" she would flip a shit. 2 & 3. I'm not upset if they want to pay for it. I shoudnt have to explain every little thing about my life, but I'm far from a spoiled brat. I put myself through college with no help from them (NOT that a parent is required to put their children through college) and everything I have in my life I've earned MYSELF. I have never asked them for money. My sister on the other hand, is 22 and has no idea what it's like to work for anything because my parents baby her. I just didn't want my parents to feel like they needed to shell all this money out for her. I wanted her to truly be apart of it. I was in a wedding and understood the expenses and didn't expect anybody else to pay my way, that's all. And lastly, I'm going off what I know from being in the wedding I was in. We paid for our dresses, shoes and jewelry. She paid for hair and makeup for us. I don't need to be 100% traditional in the way things are paid or who paid for what. And frankly if it came down to it, I could give them the money they gave to me because while I DO appreciate what they gave me, it's not an amount that equals you dictating what happens on the day of my wedding. I don't want to sound snarky to you, but don't skim through the story and tell me I'm the ungrateful one here, because it really is the farthest from the truth.
    You have four, maybe five, bridesmaids.  You need to ask them what their budget is for a dress.  You need to ask them individually, not in a group setting.  "Sally, before we go shopping in December, what is the most you can spend on a bridesmaid dress?"  Then you need to choose the lowest number and only look at dresses below that number.  If the lowest number is $50, you can only look at dresses that are less than $50.  If you decide on a dress that costs $100, you need to make up that difference for EVERYBODY, not just the ones who said they could only afford $50 dresses.  So, for example, you can offer to put down 50% of the dress cost and let the bridesmaid pay the remaining $50.  If you don't ask and you end up shopping for and deciding on a $150 or $200 dress, with all the girls at the dress shop in a group setting, they might feel guilted into saying that, sure, they can afford a $200 dress, but really they can't.  So they end up avoiding you, postpone ordering the dress, or dropping out of the wedding at the last minute because they're embarrassed to tell you that $200 is just not do-able for them.

    If you require specific shoes rather than, "wear any black shoe", you need to pay for it.  If you want them to buy a satin green 3-inch pump with peekaboo toe to show off their princess pink nailpolish from the manicure you're gifting them, you need to buy the shoe.  If you're that specific with a shoe though, prepare to have very unhappy bridesmaids in all your photos.  You also can't specify specific jewelry.  If you do, you need to purchase it.  Jewelry is not a gift if it's part of the "uniform".  If you let them wear any shoe or jewelry they already own that they think will look nice with the dress, then you don't have to purchase it.  But ANY requirements need to come out of YOUR budget, not theirs.
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  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
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    banana468 said:

    You need to leave how your parents pay for you vs. your sister out of this.   It can be annoying to see that someone is given more financially but how they spend their money really isn't your business.


    That said:

    1) You need to look at this and decide if this rift is worth it.   You can be right but do you want to look back years later and only see that?  Weddings are really emotional occasions for all parties involved.   These are the sorts of things that can create lasting resentment.   Only you can decide if you think it's worth it to be right but to face arguments and battles with your family that last years.

    2) You can still stick up for yourself and tell your parents that you don't appreciate their tone while agreeing to keep your sister in the wedding.

    3) Leave the uneven sides out of this.   Do you want to use the extra expenses for flowers, gifts and hair and makeup as the only other reason when you're a year away?   That's a Swiss cheese excuse with a lot of holes.

    4) I think you're confusing tradition with etiquette.   When it comes to attire costs, the only thing a wedding party member pays for is her/his attire essentials.   That means that you talk to each BM ahead of time privately to see how much they can afford to spend on a dress along with what their must-haves are for attire.  And THEN you choose a dress that meets THEIR budget with your vision.   Jewelry and shoes are on them but they are not to be picked by you.   You can say "Black pump" but you can't say, "Steve Madden Goddess in black satin".   Ditto for jewelry.   It's on the BMs to accessorize and you can't require them to buy any additional jewelry.   That's a matter of etiquette and not tradition.  

    You seem really worked up over this as a family matter and it appears that you may not be seeing the forest for the trees.   Only you can decide if you want to keep a relationship with your sister.   But the way to lose one is to pout about your parents' financial assistance. 
    I could be. But at the same time (not saying this is right or wrong) but the last wedding I was in, we planned everything. We planned her shower (along with her mother in law who picked the place and time) but we arranged a lot. We also planned her whole "bachelorette" weekend so I guess that's what I mean by responsibility. Yes, all weddings aren't like this and I understand that. Mine could be completely different. They don't need to be by the books. As far as I'm concerned, I told the girls to let me know what dresses they like or don't like, the only thing I would like to choose is the color the dress comes in obviously.

    Yes. It it's frustrating seeing how I have everything because I have worked for it. I stayed up the endless nights and worked 60+ hours while being in school yadda yadda yadda while she literally pays for nothing. Also note my parents have "cut her off" numerous times and just recently as last weekend made a comment about how they told her "we never paved the way for Jamie, we are done doing it for you" if she chooses to be in the wedding (whether or not my parents do or do not want to pay for it) I would just feel like she should pay that's all. We can go back and forth all day about the whole "oh well they gave you money for your wedding where do you care where their expenses go" I could give two shits. But these are also the same parents who AGREED with me saying they wouldn't be held liable to pay her part! So it's a catch 22. If that makes me sound like I have a chip on my shoulder, so be it.

    As far as the 4 person rule. This isn't a rule to me. From the moment we got engaged I wanted only 4. Could I have 5? Probably. Would I care? Maybe a little bit. I like things a certain way and want things a certain way. Who doesn't? This is my wedding after all. That's like going to your florist and asking for blue flowers, and they only have purple. Most people wouldn't be so easily persuaded to take the purple flowers "just because". We can agree to disagree on that. I want to include her, it's not like I don't want to. It wasn't a question in the beginning if she ever was going to be in the wedding, this was a definite. But her behavior thus far doesn't exactly scream mature to me. This is already stressing me out and I haven't even had a dress fitting yet. Again, my mom FROM THE BEGINNING blatantly said "maybe this is for the best because she will just stress you out anyways" I feel like they are playing both sides and this isn't fair to me. I just don't think it's fair that she made a decision and while upset, I just went with it. And now it's "my fault" and I'm being called a "disappointment" because I'm not giving in to them at the drop of a hat.

  • You need to leave how your parents pay for you vs. your sister out of this.   It can be annoying to see that someone is given more financially but how they spend their money really isn't your business.

    That said:

    1) You need to look at this and decide if this rift is worth it.   You can be right but do you want to look back years later and only see that?  Weddings are really emotional occasions for all parties involved.   These are the sorts of things that can create lasting resentment.   Only you can decide if you think it's worth it to be right but to face arguments and battles with your family that last years.

    2) You can still stick up for yourself and tell your parents that you don't appreciate their tone while agreeing to keep your sister in the wedding.

    3) Leave the uneven sides out of this.   Do you want to use the extra expenses for flowers, gifts and hair and makeup as the only other reason when you're a year away?   That's a Swiss cheese excuse with a lot of holes.

    4) I think you're confusing tradition with etiquette.   When it comes to attire costs, the only thing a wedding party member pays for is her/his attire essentials.   That means that you talk to each BM ahead of time privately to see how much they can afford to spend on a dress along with what their must-haves are for attire.  And THEN you choose a dress that meets THEIR budget with your vision.   Jewelry and shoes are on them but they are not to be picked by you.   You can say "Black pump" but you can't say, "Steve Madden Goddess in black satin".   Ditto for jewelry.   It's on the BMs to accessorize and you can't require them to buy any additional jewelry.   That's a matter of etiquette and not tradition.  

    You seem really worked up over this as a family matter and it appears that you may not be seeing the forest for the trees.   Only you can decide if you want to keep a relationship with your sister.   But the way to lose one is to pout about your parents' financial assistance. 
    I could be. But at the same time (not saying this is right or wrong) but the last wedding I was in, we planned everything. We planned her shower (along with her mother in law who picked the place and time) but we arranged a lot. We also planned her whole "bachelorette" weekend so I guess that's what I mean by responsibility. Yes, all weddings aren't like this and I understand that. Mine could be completely different. They don't need to be by the books. As far as I'm concerned, I told the girls to let me know what dresses they like or don't like, the only thing I would like to choose is the color the dress comes in obviously. Yes. It it's frustrating seeing how I have everything because I have worked for it. I stayed up the endless nights and worked 60+ hours while being in school yadda yadda yadda while she literally pays for nothing. Also note my parents have "cut her off" numerous times and just recently as last weekend made a comment about how they told her "we never paved the way for Jamie, we are done doing it for you" if she chooses to be in the wedding (whether or not my parents do or do not want to pay for it) I would just feel like she should pay that's all. We can go back and forth all day about the whole "oh well they gave you money for your wedding where do you care where their expenses go" I could give two shits. But these are also the same parents who AGREED with me saying they wouldn't be held liable to pay her part! So it's a catch 22. If that makes me sound like I have a chip on my shoulder, so be it. As far as the 4 person rule. This isn't a rule to me. From the moment we got engaged I wanted only 4. Could I have 5? Probably. Would I care? Maybe a little bit. I like things a certain way and want things a certain way. Who doesn't? This is my wedding after all. That's like going to your florist and asking for blue flowers, and they only have purple. Most people wouldn't be so easily persuaded to take the purple flowers "just because". We can agree to disagree on that. I want to include her, it's not like I don't want to. It wasn't a question in the beginning if she ever was going to be in the wedding, this was a definite. But her behavior thus far doesn't exactly scream mature to me. This is already stressing me out and I haven't even had a dress fitting yet. Again, my mom FROM THE BEGINNING blatantly said "maybe this is for the best because she will just stress you out anyways" I feel like they are playing both sides and this isn't fair to me. I just don't think it's fair that she made a decision and while upset, I just went with it. And now it's "my fault" and I'm being called a "disappointment" because I'm not giving in to them at the drop of a hat.
    You cannot compare flowers to people.   You just can't.   

    How you did things for other weddings is great.   But those are gifts that you gave the bride.   They aren't things that are required of the BP.   Again, all that's required is that your BP show up on time in the dress.   The shower and bachelorette party are gifts.   Just like you can't walk up to guests to tell them what to give you, you can't tell your BMs that they should throw a shower.   Again, tradition and etiquette aren't the same.   

    And I don't need to note anything about how your parents pay for your sister or how they cut her off.   It's none of my business and it's none of yours either.   You HAVE to stop thinking about that because it's clouding your feelings on the matter.   How your parents handle their finances is none of your concern.   Move those issues out of your mind because if you continue to focus on them, it will only make you crazy and angry.   That they're continuing to enable your sister's behavior is an issue with your sister and your parents.   It's not yours.   Whether or not they give you money for your wedding should be a separate issue entirely.

    Your issues with your parents and sister need to be kept separate from your feelings on how they spend their money.   And you need to leave your decision to have or not have your sister in your wedding to be about the relationship with your sister.  It has nothing to do with your parents or your desire to keep things at 4.   An uncompromising attitude will not get you far in wedding planning or in your relationships with people.   Especially when your answer is - because 4.

    So remove the financials and focus on the relationships here.   Only you can decide if it's worth it to continue this.   But you're not going to win any arguments with your current thought process. 
    ShesSoColdPrettyGirlLostlc07VicTim328
  • You need to leave how your parents pay for you vs. your sister out of this.   It can be annoying to see that someone is given more financially but how they spend their money really isn't your business.

    That said:

    1) You need to look at this and decide if this rift is worth it.   You can be right but do you want to look back years later and only see that?  Weddings are really emotional occasions for all parties involved.   These are the sorts of things that can create lasting resentment.   Only you can decide if you think it's worth it to be right but to face arguments and battles with your family that last years.

    2) You can still stick up for yourself and tell your parents that you don't appreciate their tone while agreeing to keep your sister in the wedding.

    3) Leave the uneven sides out of this.   Do you want to use the extra expenses for flowers, gifts and hair and makeup as the only other reason when you're a year away?   That's a Swiss cheese excuse with a lot of holes.

    4) I think you're confusing tradition with etiquette.   When it comes to attire costs, the only thing a wedding party member pays for is her/his attire essentials.   That means that you talk to each BM ahead of time privately to see how much they can afford to spend on a dress along with what their must-haves are for attire.  And THEN you choose a dress that meets THEIR budget with your vision.   Jewelry and shoes are on them but they are not to be picked by you.   You can say "Black pump" but you can't say, "Steve Madden Goddess in black satin".   Ditto for jewelry.   It's on the BMs to accessorize and you can't require them to buy any additional jewelry.   That's a matter of etiquette and not tradition.  

    You seem really worked up over this as a family matter and it appears that you may not be seeing the forest for the trees.   Only you can decide if you want to keep a relationship with your sister.   But the way to lose one is to pout about your parents' financial assistance. 
    I could be. But at the same time (not saying this is right or wrong) but the last wedding I was in, we planned everything. We planned her shower (along with her mother in law who picked the place and time) but we arranged a lot. We also planned her whole "bachelorette" weekend so I guess that's what I mean by responsibility. Yes, all weddings aren't like this and I understand that. Mine could be completely different. They don't need to be by the books.

    If you did that for another bride, that's awesome and very kind of you.  Many bridesmaids do these sorts of things for the bride and it's great.  What we are saying is that it should not be expected nor should it be considered a responsibility.

    As far as I'm concerned, I told the girls to let me know what dresses they like or don't like, the only thing I would like to choose is the color the dress comes in obviously. Yes. It it's frustrating seeing how I have everything because I have worked for it. I stayed up the endless nights and worked 60+ hours while being in school yadda yadda yadda while she literally pays for nothing.
    image
    This is how life usually works.  You bust your ass and pull your own weight.  For whatever reason others don't do this and sometimes another person helps them out. 

    Also note my parents have "cut her off" numerous times and just recently as last weekend made a comment about how they told her "we never paved the way for Jamie, we are done doing it for you" if she chooses to be in the wedding (whether or not my parents do or do not want to pay for it) I would just feel like she should pay that's all.

    NOT RELEVANT.
     
    We can go back and forth all day about the whole "oh well they gave you money for your wedding where do you care where their expenses go" I could give two shits. But these are also the same parents who AGREED with me saying they wouldn't be held liable to pay her part! So it's a catch 22. If that makes me sound like I have a chip on my shoulder, so be it.

    As far as the 4 person rule. This isn't a rule to me. From the moment we got engaged I wanted only 4. Could I have 5? Probably. Would I care? Maybe a little bit. I like things a certain way and want things a certain way. Who doesn't? This is my wedding after all.

    What is so fucking special about 4?  And why would you care?  Seriously?

    That's like going to your florist and asking for blue flowers, and they only have purple. Most people wouldn't be so easily persuaded to take the purple flowers "just because".

    The thing is, you have no control over the availability of flowers.  You DO have control over whom you ask to be in your party & how many people you ask.  This is completely up to YOU.

    We can agree to disagree on that. I want to include her, it's not like I don't want to. It wasn't a question in the beginning if she ever was going to be in the wedding, this was a definite. But her behavior thus far doesn't exactly scream mature to me. Neither does yours.

    This is already stressing me out and I haven't even had a dress fitting yet. Again, my mom FROM THE BEGINNING blatantly said "maybe this is for the best because she will just stress you out anyways" I feel like they are playing both sides and this isn't fair to me.

    Precisely why you need to leave your parents out of this decision.

    I just don't think it's fair that she made a decision and while upset, I just went with it. And now it's "my fault" and I'm being called a "disappointment" because I'm not giving in to them at the drop of a hat.


    image
    PrettyGirlLostTrixieJessInLoveInQueens
  • You need to leave how your parents pay for you vs. your sister out of this.   It can be annoying to see that someone is given more financially but how they spend their money really isn't your business.

    That said:

    1) You need to look at this and decide if this rift is worth it.   You can be right but do you want to look back years later and only see that?  Weddings are really emotional occasions for all parties involved.   These are the sorts of things that can create lasting resentment.   Only you can decide if you think it's worth it to be right but to face arguments and battles with your family that last years.

    2) You can still stick up for yourself and tell your parents that you don't appreciate their tone while agreeing to keep your sister in the wedding.

    3) Leave the uneven sides out of this.   Do you want to use the extra expenses for flowers, gifts and hair and makeup as the only other reason when you're a year away?   That's a Swiss cheese excuse with a lot of holes.

    4) I think you're confusing tradition with etiquette.   When it comes to attire costs, the only thing a wedding party member pays for is her/his attire essentials.   That means that you talk to each BM ahead of time privately to see how much they can afford to spend on a dress along with what their must-haves are for attire.  And THEN you choose a dress that meets THEIR budget with your vision.   Jewelry and shoes are on them but they are not to be picked by you.   You can say "Black pump" but you can't say, "Steve Madden Goddess in black satin".   Ditto for jewelry.   It's on the BMs to accessorize and you can't require them to buy any additional jewelry.   That's a matter of etiquette and not tradition.  

    You seem really worked up over this as a family matter and it appears that you may not be seeing the forest for the trees.   Only you can decide if you want to keep a relationship with your sister.   But the way to lose one is to pout about your parents' financial assistance. 
    I could be. But at the same time (not saying this is right or wrong) but the last wedding I was in, we planned everything. We planned her shower (along with her mother in law who picked the place and time) but we arranged a lot. We also planned her whole "bachelorette" weekend so I guess that's what I mean by responsibility. Yes, all weddings aren't like this and I understand that. Mine could be completely different. They don't need to be by the books. As far as I'm concerned, I told the girls to let me know what dresses they like or don't like, the only thing I would like to choose is the color the dress comes in obviously. Yes. It it's frustrating seeing how I have everything because I have worked for it. I stayed up the endless nights and worked 60+ hours while being in school yadda yadda yadda while she literally pays for nothing. Also note my parents have "cut her off" numerous times and just recently as last weekend made a comment about how they told her "we never paved the way for Jamie, we are done doing it for you" if she chooses to be in the wedding (whether or not my parents do or do not want to pay for it) I would just feel like she should pay that's all. We can go back and forth all day about the whole "oh well they gave you money for your wedding where do you care where their expenses go" I could give two shits. But these are also the same parents who AGREED with me saying they wouldn't be held liable to pay her part! So it's a catch 22. If that makes me sound like I have a chip on my shoulder, so be it. As far as the 4 person rule. This isn't a rule to me. From the moment we got engaged I wanted only 4. Could I have 5? Probably. Would I care? Maybe a little bit. I like things a certain way and want things a certain way. Who doesn't? This is my wedding after all. That's like going to your florist and asking for blue flowers, and they only have purple. Most people wouldn't be so easily persuaded to take the purple flowers "just because". We can agree to disagree on that. I want to include her, it's not like I don't want to. It wasn't a question in the beginning if she ever was going to be in the wedding, this was a definite. But her behavior thus far doesn't exactly scream mature to me. This is already stressing me out and I haven't even had a dress fitting yet. Again, my mom FROM THE BEGINNING blatantly said "maybe this is for the best because she will just stress you out anyways" I feel like they are playing both sides and this isn't fair to me. I just don't think it's fair that she made a decision and while upset, I just went with it. And now it's "my fault" and I'm being called a "disappointment" because I'm not giving in to them at the drop of a hat.

    Well, if I'm reading the original post correctly, they aren't calling you a disappointment because you're not giving in. She called you a disappointment after you proved to be ungrateful for the money they provided you while hinting that you could use some more. 

    And yes, if someone does give you money then yes, they do get to dictate some things. If you don't want them to have any say then give ALL the money back and plan the wedding you and your FI can afford.
    image
    ShesSoColdPrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensMesmrEwe
  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    I do think you all have great points, and trust me I'm taking all this in. Considering this is an online forum it's hard to give every detail; every conversation spoken, etc.

    At this point, I think my frustration stems from the fact that 1. My sister has not come forward and spoken with me directly. She went through my parents. They shouldn't be in the middle of this since this isn't their problem. If my sister has an issue she knows she can come to me and discuss whatever it is. But she hasn't. She's laid it on everybody else to pick up her mess, and that to me is completely unfair.

    2. Again, I have no issues with giving them the money back. I was hesitant to even take the money to begin with because I knew they would hold it over my head in the future if things didn't go the way they wanted them to go. I told them I in no way needed their help and I was fine for paying it myself. They insisted they help and they wanted to be proud of themselves for helping me (there is a backstory to why they insisted and why they would be proud to help me but it's a personal family matter and frankly not needed to be said on an online forum)

    3. You all don't know my parents. Yes you read what I wrote and you're trying to understand all of this based on the information I am giving you. This is typical form for them. They attack when they don't get their way and are nice when they want something. This is how it goes. Again, I just wish 4 months ago they took HER to the side and said "you really are going to regret not being in your only sisters wedding. What don't you understand about being in the wedding? Do you need us to explain this to you?" ANYTHING. Instead after this huge blowout I continued to ask if I should talk to her or if my parents had talked to her and it was "leave it alone. Your father doesn't want to hear about it. She made this choice and it's her decision" so now I'm being attacked because I didn't say "oh yes! Ok great! Let's add her into this mix" at the drop of the hat.

    4. I don't appreciate the tone in which my parents attacked me yesterday with who I'm having in MY bridal party. The comment about who's paying for the wedding didn't come until almost the end of the conversation so that was irrelevant to the whole conversation we were having. My mother questioning how often I talk to a bridesmaid has nothing to do with her or shouldn't concern her in the least bit. While yes she is my sister, in hind sight I talk to the whole bridal party more than I do her. And it's not like I go about my day and am like "I just don't talk to her" it's just the way she is. She doesn't respond to texts unless she isn't doing anything or wants to talk and our conversations are usually minimal.

    5. Lastly, this was never a decision of if she was going to be in the wedding or not. From the beginning I wanted her to be in the wedding. No questions asked. It wasn't even a question to be honest. It was "my sister is a bridesmaid and the other ones are..." She flat out told me NO I do not want to be in the wedding. I'm not understanding why because I went ahead and chose somebody else this is posing as a problem. I didn't replace her, she said no. There is a difference in my opinion. I guess it's different with each wedding. My cousin had 12 people on each side! Reasoning? He didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings and figured that was the easiest way. Friends? They had 3 people on each side. Why? Because they wanted a small wedding party. They told me numerous times they would of chosen more people if they wanted to but they wanted to keep their party small. So what is the difference between them wanting only 3 or 12 and me wanting only 4? Yes. I know a majority of you will come back and be like "there really is no issue adding 1 to have your sister be in the wedding" and I 100% agree with you. But like others have mentioned in the posts before, there are consequences to our actions. Again, most of you will be like "well it's not your problem or job to prove points to her or teach her about life" but again, at 22 years old you can't expect to act one way, and then get your way when you're done acting like a brat.

    There are so many things that can go wrong. Given the fact that she gets her way 99.9% of the time because they would rather not listen to her, there would need to be a huge discussion about how she acts when and if she is a bridesmaid? She can't just make a scene and run out of the store if she doesn't like the color or dress we pick. Shit rolls down hill. Yes this is life and these are the cards I was dealt. I appreciate all the kind, understanding advice from everybody. And to the others, you make great points and it's a lot to think about. It is a year away and I can still change a lot. It's a matter on how to approach the situation and nip this now so it doesn't become an issue every time we need to do something wedding wise.

  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    ^ I could see that. That decision didn't soley land on me though. It was my dad who thought it would be great for us to go out to dinner. Could it have been different looking back at it? Sure. Maybe I could of just asked and worried about it later when we got deeper into it. I cannot stress enough how many times I said it wasn't even a question as to whether or not I wanted her in the wedding. It was a given. Or how many times I said "I want you to be up there with me, etc" at the same time, she had months to bring this back up with me. I still stressed to my parents how upset I was about how it all went down. I never name dropped, but I had said things like "oh me and the girls..." "We want to go dress shopping at..." All opportunities for her to bring this up for me. I think it's a little cowardly to bring my parents into this and have them fighting with me when she should be telling me how she feels. Now they are in the middle of something they frankly shouldn't be in the middle of. And attacking other people in the party because you want your way is immature and not really a way to ask if we can figure out a way to make this work. They didn't do anything to my parents. And simply putting words in my mouth with "she doesn't want her in the wedding because she's afraid she will be an embarrassment is completely out of line and disrespectful. And yelling from the background that "I'll tell her, (my fiancé) and all her bridesmaids they are pieces of shit and not welcome" is REALLY not a way to go about this.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    ^ I could see that. That decision didn't soley land on me though. It was my dad who thought it would be great for us to go out to dinner. Could it have been different looking back at it? Sure. Maybe I could of just asked and worried about it later when we got deeper into it. I cannot stress enough how many times I said it wasn't even a question as to whether or not I wanted her in the wedding. It was a given. Or how many times I said "I want you to be up there with me, etc" at the same time, she had months to bring this back up with me. I still stressed to my parents how upset I was about how it all went down. I never name dropped, but I had said things like "oh me and the girls..." "We want to go dress shopping at..." All opportunities for her to bring this up for me. I think it's a little cowardly to bring my parents into this and have them fighting with me when she should be telling me how she feels. Now they are in the middle of something they frankly shouldn't be in the middle of. And attacking other people in the party because you want your way is immature and not really a way to ask if we can figure out a way to make this work. They didn't do anything to my parents. And simply putting words in my mouth with "she doesn't want her in the wedding because she's afraid she will be an embarrassment is completely out of line and disrespectful. And yelling from the background that "I'll tell her, (my fiancé) and all her bridesmaids they are pieces of shit and not welcome" is REALLY not a way to go about this.
    But what you are not understanding is that it is none of your business if your parents paid for her stuff or not.  You have zero say over how your parents spend their money.

    You were the one who brought your parents into this first.  You were the one that went to them and told them that they should not pay for your sisters things.  Then you and your Mom had a sit down with your sister to discuss the fact that she was the one who had to be financially responsible if she were to be in your wedding.  So honestly, it makes sense as to why she went to your parents and not directly to you because you involved them from the get go.  

    Is it wrong for your parents to be talking shit about your bridal party?  Yes.  That is definitely not cool and very inappropriate of them.

    How about we forget about your parents and what they have been saying for just a minute. Forget about who pays for what.  Think about your sister.  Do you want her in your wedding?  Yes or No?

    InLoveInQueensSTARMOON44MesmrEwecharlotte989875
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2015
    I wasn't sure where to put this so I decided to come here. I would like some advice and maybe this is just me venting to other future brides who may understand what I'm going through. So to start, from the beginning my fiancé and I only wanted to have 4 people per bridal party. So 4 on my side, 4 on his. We came to this agreement and ran with it. Why?  How did you come up with this otherwise random and arbitrary number?  You should probably count the number of people you'd really like to stand up with you and just go with that number, and your FI should do the same.  Sides don't have to even.  It I have one sister and he has one brother. He didn't want his brother in the wedding (personal reasons as his brother has been in and out of jail a majority of the time we have been together, can't truly be trusted to be there for him, etc) I always wanted my sister in my bridal party. Not as a maid of honor (as I knew she didn't want the responsibility and she just wants to be apart of the day rather than having all the pressure on her to help) which I am completely fine with.   There is no "pressure' or "responsibilities" for the MOH that differ from the BMs- everyone has to show up, on time and sober for your ceremony in the attires you all agreed to, and hold flowers and walk down an aisle.  That's it.  Anyone or no one can choose to throw you a shower or bach party.  The only person responsible for helping you stuff envelopes, DIY things, etc, is your FI.  I never had officially "asked" her because I just felt like the time would come and I would. 4 months ago I was talking with my parents explaining to them how if she was going to be apart of this then she definitely needs to be financially responsible herself (more background info: my parents baby her. She's 22 years old and they give her money at the drop of a hat, pay all her bills, etc) so because my parents decided to help us a bit with the wedding I didn't want them to pick up the tab because she didn't want to spend the money herself. How your parents choose to spend their money, and their financial agreements with your sister are none of your business and should have no bearing on whether or not you want your sister to be in your WP.  Stay out of this.  My parents were completely on board with me and agreed at that time. I decided to go out to dinner with my sister and mom and explain all this to my sister in front of my mom so there was no misunderstanding on any sides. I asked her simply if she knew the responsibilities of being in a wedding. She responded with "no" I said ok, well you are going to be responsible for your dress, shoes, jewelry, etc. she responded with "well. I'm not going to pay for any of that". I asked her "well who do you think is? Because it's not me" and she goes "well mom and dad are going to pay for everything" mind you, my mom butted in and said no, this isn't how it's going to work etc. well in the typical fashion of my sister she snapped a gasket in the middle of the restaurant and said "I don't have the money to pay for a $800 dress and shoes (first off nobody said anything about $800 dresses or shoes, at this point no dresses were picked out and I would NEVER expect my girls to pay crazy amounts of money as I've been in a wedding and understand the cost). I told her I would never want her to pay that much and she wouldn't but there are responsibilities I need her to understand. In a nutshell she said "eff you and eff your wedding. I never asked to be apart of this and you're forcing me to be in it" I said "I'm not forcing you, I'm asking. You either want to be apart of this or you don't. So do you want to be apart of my day?" And she said "no I don't" and walked out of the restaurant. I obviously was very upset and distraught over the way this all went down and my mom said "maybe it's best this way.  I can see why your sister might be upset with how you handled this, because I think you mishandled the whole situation.  It doesn't sound like the conversation came across as you wanting your sister to be in your WP. . . if you did, you would have just asked her if she wanted to be a BM and never brought up what she needs to pay for etc.   Just stay out of her financial business and your parents'.  Let the three of them sort that shit out among themselves.  You wouldn't want anyone inserting themselves into your finances, would you?   She will just stress you out and you don't need to be stressed over this. It's her decision and she made it. It will be ok" A couple weeks after this debacle I ended up asking somebody else to replace my sister. My parents knew about this, and so did my sister. I got them gifts, etc. We had also talked about the bridesmaids and groomsmen numerous times in front of both my parents and my sister. There was no confusion as to who or who wasn't in the wedding. I should add that I was also a little upset at the fact that my parents never stuck up for me when this happened. They not once went to my sister and said "listen, you are going to regret not being in your only sisters wedding. I think you should rethink this, etc" Not once did they ever say anything to her.   Why do they need to say anything to your sister?  You are both adults, you should sort this out on your own.  So cut to now. We are a year to the wedding. I have my whole party, he has his whole party. I made an appt in December to go dress shopping for myself. I rented out a dress place on a Sunday for the girls and whoever would like to join. I had asked my mom if I should include my sister even though she isn't in the party. I already knew the answer but I just wanted to get a definite count. Well, cut to Monday and my dad asked me to call my mom at home. I call her and she goes "I think there is a little miscommunication about what's going on with your bridal party" I was like "ok.....what's the confusion" and she goes "well when I told your sister not to make plans for December she turned around and asked if she would be picking her dress the same day as you. And I asked her what she meant and she said you know, my bridesmaids dress. I'm still picking that out right?" Naturally my parents were like whoa whoa whoa. You told her you didn't want to be in the wedding. She goes "No, I didn't want to be the maid of honor. I never said I didn't want to be a bridesmaid." To be clear, I never once mentioned maid of honor to her because my childhood best friend is my maid of honor and that was the decision from the beginning." So I asked my mom what she was getting at and she said "well can't you just add her into the wedding?" Now, I probably could but the decision from the beginning was NO MORE than 4 per side.   Again, why?  There's no reason to die on that arbitrary hill if it's going to cause major drama and damage your relationship with your sister.  If you want her to be in your WP, then just ask her and apologize for the miscommunication.  It doesn't matter if the sides are uneven.  And if I add one person on my side it's uneven, and we don't want that. I told my mom I would call her back the next day to discuss this. So cut to yesterday, I get out of work and call my mom. I start the conversation with what I said before. How I'm really upset at the fact that my mom and dad didn't say anything to her 4 months ago about this and how they didn't sit her down and explain to her what she was really saying no to, and now they are guilt tripping me into changing everything because now all of a sudden she wants to be involved. My mom said that my sister didn't understand what she was agreeing to because she's never been in a wedding. I completely understand all that, but like I said to my mom, she's 22 years old. If you don't know something, look it up. Ask questions. Don't act like you're 6 years old and tell me to go eff myself and run out of the restaurant because you don't like what we are saying. OK, but you also kind of acted like you were 6 as well. . . why didn't you reach out to your sister after you both had cooled off and talked about it like adults?  Why didn't you verify that she relaly didn't want to be in the wedding party?  So and argument ensues. My mother starts berating me and my fiancé asking why we can't just add more people. First off, it's more money (bouquet, hair and makeup since I'm offering to pay for that, another gift etc) and we already have these things set. Yes it's a year away, but I made additional plans BECAUSE she said 4 months ago she wanted nothing o do with this.  What additional plans did you make that are so cost prohibitive that you can't add another person to your WP?  How important are those other plans, really, in the grand scheme of life?  Can they be cut or pared down so you can include your sister?  You have a year to save up for the addition of your sister. . .you can make this work, if you want to.   I said "I am not adding more people because now she decides she wants to be in the wedding it doesn't work this way. This is my wedding and I'm sorry but she made her own decision when she acted the way she did. Why didn't you ask her why she didn't want to be apart of this and now you're screaming at me to change it"   Why didn't YOU ask her?!  Your mother shouldn't be the go between for her adult children.  So because I wasn't saying anything she liked she started in with the "well how often do you talk to (bridesmaid #1) how often do you talk to (bridesmaid #2) why do they get to be in the wedding and she can't?" I simply responded with "you aren't going to sit here and question who my friends are or aren't. Again; this is MY wedding and my decision. I'm sorry" I could then hear my dad in the background screaming that the reason I don't want my sister in the wedding is because I'm afraid she's going to embarrass me and that's the true reason and he's not happy about this. First off, those words never came out of my mouth and second off, she is the reason she's not in the wedding, not me. Then he proceeded to stay he's going to tell all my bridesmaids and my fiancé how he's not happy and they don't deserve to be in my wedding and he will tell them how they feel. After about 10 minutes of going back and forth my mom made the comment of "who is paying for this wedding, we are". I calmly replied with "mom, not for nothing. While we appreciate the fact you gave us money in the beginning, you haven't given us money since then and that was a year ago. We still have plenty to pay off before the wedding is "paid" and the last time I checked we are all paying for this wedding and my money is just as green as yours". She ended the conversation with "you're a disappointment" and hung up the phone on me. After all this, it's safe to say my fiancé is truly not happy. It's causing us to fight because he is done with the way my family treats me and how it affects how I feel. No offense, but as an outsider looking in, you are partially responsible for the dysfunctional behavior of your family. . . you are part of the dysfunctional communication.  Why didn't you ever contact your sister after that initial fight at the restaurant?  Ultimately this is his wedding too and he said the decision is made. I cried about this 4 months ago and it changed nothing so I did what I needed to do to start getting all my ducks in order. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore and he's over it. My question is, should I give in and just make an extra spot for her to make everybody happy? Or leave it the way it is. I feel like I'll be going against all the original plans we had for our wedding. We planned it this way for a reason and it's not my fault that she said no and is not retracting her statement.   And what was that reason?  We came up with the idea that maybe my sister and his brother can walk down together, just not stand with us, but that way they are still apart of the day, just have no responsibility. I'm super upset at the fact that this is supposed to be a happy time and I'm being guilt tripped into something that honestly isn't even my problem at this point but is being made into my problem.   You are a part of your family, so of course this is your problem.  You decided to make your sister's financial decisions your business when you decided to have that talk with her in the restaurant, so this is your problem.  You and your FI are also the ones who arbitrarily picked the number 4, so it is your problem.  And you failed to have a conversation with your sister after her blow up and verify that she really didn't want to be in the wedding at all, so this is your problem.  What you and your FI need to do now is decide what your real priorities are; Do you care about your relationship with your sister and your parents?  If so, and if you think that refusing to include your sister will damage those relationships, then you next need to decide if those"reasons" and "other plans" you keep talking about are more important to you than damaging relationships with your family. . . all over one day.  I'm not trying to say which is wrong or right- only you know your family dynamics, and you and your FI are the ones who will have to live with them for the rest of your lives.  I'm just trying to point out things to consider.  We have also decided not to take any more money from my parents as it seems like they feel they threw us some money and they feel that they can just dictate to us how our wedding will be because they helped us a bit. I was told by numerous people that weddings bring out the worst in people and I didn't think it would be this way until now. I just need advice on maybe what I should do or how I should approach this with them. Thanks in advance to anybody that reads all this. Also sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors. Typing all this on an iPhone is no good! Haha
    ETA:  I agree with each point Londonlisa made.  Reread what you wrote to us, then reread her response and think about if she was really that off base.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    InLoveInQueens
  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    I mean, not for nothing. If somebody flat out said to your face "fuck you and fuck your wedding" would you chase them down to have them reconsider? I mean lets be realistic here. I highly doubt anybody else, regardless if it was a family member or not would be knocking down doors to have that person rethink twice about their decision.

    Again. I don't understand what everybody's issue is with the fact I want 4 people on each side. It's really not a matter to get into a heated debate about. If somebody chose 3, would people question why they chose 3? If somebody wanted 10, would people question why they want so many and why they chose 10? Doubtful. I wanted 4 for a reason ever since I could remember and I shouldn't have to explain my reasoning. YES everybody will argue "you're making this a big deal because if you just add one more person your sister could be in the wedding" yes I understand that and every other point everybody has made. It would be way easier to just be like ok let's add her. But again, she told me to go fuck myself. She made a scene and then never tried to fix it. Why should I be the one chasing her down?? You can't just say these things and then expect them to go away once the smoke has cleared and you're ready to listen.

    After reading a lot of what you're saying. Yep. This probably all could of been avoided if things went down differently. But they didn't. This is life. You live and you learn. But I'm sick and tired of hearing my parents bitch about how she's a leach, and then have me be concerned about them needing to pay for her dress or whatever. I had made the comment to them originally where they agreed with what I was saying. So they agree with me about how she should be responsible, yet I'm wrong to everybody else for being concerned about it? It's easy to comment and say what should or shouldn't be done when you're not in the situation, which is understandable and why I stand by when I am thanking everybody for the honest advice, snarky or not.

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I do think you all have great points, and trust me I'm taking all this in. Considering this is an online forum it's hard to give every detail; every conversation spoken, etc.

    At this point, I think my frustration stems from the fact that 1. My sister has not come forward and spoken with me directly. She went through my parents. They shouldn't be in the middle of this since this isn't their problem. If my sister has an issue she knows she can come to me and discuss whatever it is. But she hasn't. She's laid it on everybody else to pick up her mess, and that to me is completely unfair.   Remind me again when you reached out to have this conversation with your sister. . .?  You didn't! 

    You stated several time sin your OP that you were upset that your mother hadn't discussed things with your sister, in fact you told us you said that to your mother. 

    Seems to me that you and your sister BOTH make a habit of putting your parents in the middle of your squabbles.  Stop that.  Talk to your sister directly, for crying out loud. Time to actually adult, not just play lip service to it.


    2. Again, I have no issues with giving them the money back. I was hesitant to even take the money to begin with because I knew they would hold it over my head in the future if things didn't go the way they wanted them to go. I told them I in no way needed their help and I was fine for paying it myself. They insisted they help and they wanted to be proud of themselves for helping me (there is a backstory to why they insisted and why they would be proud to help me but it's a personal family matter and frankly not needed to be said on an online forum)

    3. You all don't know my parents. Yes you read what I wrote and you're trying to understand all of this based on the information I am giving you. This is typical form for them. They attack when they don't get their way and are nice when they want something. This is how it goes. Again, I just wish 4 months ago they took HER to the side and said "you really are going to regret not being in your only sisters wedding. What don't you understand about being in the wedding? Do you need us to explain this to you?" ANYTHING.   There you go doing it again. . . refer to my statements above.  Instead after this huge blowout I continued to ask if I should talk to her or if my parents had talked to her and it was "leave it alone.   Why do you need to consult with your parents on whether or not you should talk to your sister in order to resolve a conflict between the both of you?  If you want to resolve the conflict, then you go and talk to her.  Period.  You don't need anyone's permission and you shouldn't need to be told to do it.  By talking to your parents, rather than talking to your sister, you were putting them in the middle.  Your father doesn't want to hear about it. She made this choice and it's her decision" so now I'm being attacked because I didn't say "oh yes! Ok great! Let's add her into this mix" at the drop of the hat.  I don't think your parents are actually attacking you- it sounds like they disagree with your choice, and they are expressing that to you.

    4. I don't appreciate the tone in which my parents attacked me yesterday with who I'm having in MY bridal party. The comment about who's paying for the wedding didn't come until almost the end of the conversation so that was irrelevant to the whole conversation we were having. My mother questioning how often I talk to a bridesmaid has nothing to do with her or shouldn't concern her in the least bit. While yes she is my sister, in hind sight I talk to the whole bridal party more than I do her. And it's not like I go about my day and am like "I just don't talk to her" it's just the way she is. She doesn't respond to texts unless she isn't doing anything or wants to talk and our conversations are usually minimal.   This all sounds like rationalizations.  Look, either you want to have your sister in your WP or you don't.  Either you want to talk to her and address this conflict, or you don't.

    5. Lastly, this was never a decision of if she was going to be in the wedding or not. From the beginning I wanted her to be in the wedding. Then why is there suddenly a problem with her being in the wedding?  Citing the number 4 is not a valid reason.  No questions asked. It wasn't even a question to be honest. It was "my sister is a bridesmaid and the other ones are..." She flat out told me NO I do not want to be in the wedding. I'm not understanding why because I went ahead and chose somebody else this is posing as a problem. You don't understand why your sister's feelings are likely very hurt?  And that your parents are pissed and annoyed because their adult daughters are acting like kids, refuse to talk to each other, and are putting them in the middle of their tiff?  You don't understand why your family can't understand why you have this steadfast loyalty to the number 4 over including your sister?  I don't buy it.  I think you know why everyone is pissed, but you are just being stubborn and you don't want to admit that you played a part in this fracas.  I didn't replace her, she said no.   You did replace her, because when she said no, rather than having 3 BMs you asked another person to be a BM so that the number 4 would remain intact.  There is a difference in my opinion. I guess it's different with each wedding. My cousin had 12 people on each side! Reasoning? He didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings and figured that was the easiest way. Friends? They had 3 people on each side. Why? Because they wanted a small wedding party. They told me numerous times they would of chosen more people if they wanted to but they wanted to keep their party small. So what is the difference between them wanting only 3 or 12 and me wanting only 4? Yes. I know a majority of you will come back and be like "there really is no issue adding 1 to have your sister be in the wedding" and I 100% agree with you. But like others have mentioned in the posts before, there are consequences to our actions. Again, most of you will be like "well it's not your problem or job to prove points to her or teach her about life" but again, at 22 years old you can't expect to act one way, and then get your way when you're done acting like a brat. There are so many things that can go wrong. Given the fact that she gets her way 99.9% of the time because they would rather not listen to her, there would need to be a huge discussion about how she acts when and if she is a bridesmaid? She can't just make a scene and run out of the store if she doesn't like the color or dress we pick. Shit rolls down hill. Yes this is life and these are the cards I was dealt. I appreciate all the kind, understanding advice from everybody. And to the others, you make great points and it's a lot to think about. It is a year away and I can still change a lot. It's a matter on how to approach the situation and nip this now so it doesn't become an issue every time we need to do something wedding wise.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    InLoveInQueenslnixon8
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