Wedding Party

One year to go and the drama begins....

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Re: One year to go and the drama begins....

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think people have an issue with your number choice because it wasn't like you only had 4 people you wanted to ask to be in your wedding.  You picked the number 4 and then filled in the spots. Obviously you had more people that you wanted to include since you asked someone else once your sister said no.

    Most people just ask those that they wish to have in their wedding without setting a limit.  So when people have 10 BMs that is because they have 10 people in their life that they wish to honor.  They don't just say "Hey I want 10 BMs, now let me fill in the spots.  Oh Darla said no, that's okay, I will ask Debra."


    I mean, not for nothing. If somebody flat out said to your face "fuck you and fuck your wedding" would you chase them down to have them reconsider? I mean lets be realistic here. I highly doubt anybody else, regardless if it was a family member or not would be knocking down doors to have that person rethink twice about their decision. Again. I don't understand what everybody's issue is with the fact I want 4 people on each side. It's really not a matter to get into a heated debate about. If somebody chose 3, would people question why they chose 3? If somebody wanted 10, would people question why they want so many and why they chose 10? Doubtful. I wanted 4 for a reason ever since I could remember and I shouldn't have to explain my reasoning. YES everybody will argue "you're making this a big deal because if you just add one more person your sister could be in the wedding" yes I understand that and every other point everybody has made. It would be way easier to just be like ok let's add her. But again, she told me to go fuck myself. She made a scene and then never tried to fix it. Why should I be the one chasing her down?? You can't just say these things and then expect them to go away once the smoke has cleared and you're ready to listen. After reading a lot of what you're saying. Yep. This probably all could of been avoided if things went down differently. But they didn't. This is life. You live and you learn. But I'm sick and tired of hearing my parents bitch about how she's a leach, and then have me be concerned about them needing to pay for her dress or whatever. I had made the comment to them originally where they agreed with what I was saying. So they agree with me about how she should be responsible, yet I'm wrong to everybody else for being concerned about it? It's easy to comment and say what should or shouldn't be done when you're not in the situation, which is understandable and why I stand by when I am thanking everybody for the honest advice, snarky or not.


    PrettyGirlLostlc07monkeysip
  • I mean, not for nothing. If somebody flat out said to your face "fuck you and fuck your wedding" would you chase them down to have them reconsider? I mean lets be realistic here. I highly doubt anybody else, regardless if it was a family member or not would be knocking down doors to have that person rethink twice about their decision. Again. I don't understand what everybody's issue is with the fact I want 4 people on each side. It's really not a matter to get into a heated debate about. If somebody chose 3, would people question why they chose 3? If somebody wanted 10, would people question why they want so many and why they chose 10? Doubtful. I wanted 4 for a reason ever since I could remember and I shouldn't have to explain my reasoning. YES everybody will argue "you're making this a big deal because if you just add one more person your sister could be in the wedding" yes I understand that and every other point everybody has made. It would be way easier to just be like ok let's add her. But again, she told me to go fuck myself. She made a scene and then never tried to fix it. Why should I be the one chasing her down?? You can't just say these things and then expect them to go away once the smoke has cleared and you're ready to listen. After reading a lot of what you're saying. Yep. This probably all could of been avoided if things went down differently. But they didn't. This is life. You live and you learn. But I'm sick and tired of hearing my parents bitch about how she's a leach, and then have me be concerned about them needing to pay for her dress or whatever. I had made the comment to them originally where they agreed with what I was saying. So they agree with me about how she should be responsible, yet I'm wrong to everybody else for being concerned about it? It's easy to comment and say what should or shouldn't be done when you're not in the situation, which is understandable and why I stand by when I am thanking everybody for the honest advice, snarky or not.
    I understand what you mean when you say that you didn't want to have a follow-up conversation with your sister after she was mean to you. 

    However, I think part of the problem here is that you're not willing to be the bigger/older person. I assume your sister is younger than you and clearly you think (and she may very well be) she's less mature than you. You're also clearly upset about the way your parents treat her.

    The thing is that you're an adult now. When we were younger, my siblings and I were all treated differently based on gender, ability (or perceived ability by our parents), etc etc, and that annoyed me to no end. But then I grew up and got over it. The only thing you can do if you're unhappy with the way your parents raised you and your sister is to be a different kind of parent. No amount of arguing with them or her is going to change them. I think it's time you accept that and let it go.

    For your wedding, people are hung up not on the actual number 4, but the fact that you picked a number in general and are insisting on even sides. You keep saying that it wouldn't matter if someone says they want 3 or 10 - but yes, it would. The fact is that choosing your BP shouldn't be based on some number you've liked. It should be based on who are the people closest to you who you want to stand next to you on your wedding day. If you come up with 1 person, then it's 1. If you come up with 12, then it's 12. You just have it backwards.

    So what I think you need to do here is to take a step back, realize you aren't going to change your parents' or sister's behavior, and stop trying to get involved with their relationship/your parents' decisions regarding your sister. And then decide if the number 4 is more important than having your sister stand up there with you.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    Your points are valid but again, I was not the first person to include my parents. They live with her, I don't. After leaving the restaurant she had called my dad and went on and on about how I "kicked her out of the wedding party". When my mother got home she was like "that definitely did not happen" so yeah. Maybe I did lay it on my parents to talk to her but again, she told me to go fuck myself when I was trying to explain I wanted her involved and she started spewing about shit that had no relevance to anything we were talking about. and for the record, I did reach out a couple days later to no answer. It's not relevant because she didn't acknowledge me, which made me secure in thinking she really wanted nothing to do with the wedding.

    It seems like depending on who you ask, opinions about weddings, etiquette, tradition, etc are all different.

  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    To Maggie: I hear you. Trust me I do. Like I said before, my cousin had 12 on each side. Not because he wanted 12 but because he didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings. My friend only had 3. Her now husband told us numerous times that there were people he would of loved to ask but they didn't want a huge bridal party and wanted to keep it small. That's understandable. I only wanted the amount from the beginning. Are there more people I would of loved to ask? Absolutely. But you literally can't ask every single person you want in your wedding, and people should understand that. If I had wanted more people from the beginning, the girl who I asked after my sister would have also been asked. I just wanted to keep it semi small. I'm not understanding why I need to justify why I chose the amount of people we wanted in our bridal party. I understand why people are bringing it up because I could easily add her, but at this point it's like beating a dead horse by bringing it up.

  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    nerdwife said:



    I mean, not for nothing. If somebody flat out said to your face "fuck you and fuck your wedding" would you chase them down to have them reconsider? I mean lets be realistic here. I highly doubt anybody else, regardless if it was a family member or not would be knocking down doors to have that person rethink twice about their decision.

    Again. I don't understand what everybody's issue is with the fact I want 4 people on each side. It's really not a matter to get into a heated debate about. If somebody chose 3, would people question why they chose 3? If somebody wanted 10, would people question why they want so many and why they chose 10? Doubtful. I wanted 4 for a reason ever since I could remember and I shouldn't have to explain my reasoning. YES everybody will argue "you're making this a big deal because if you just add one more person your sister could be in the wedding" yes I understand that and every other point everybody has made. It would be way easier to just be like ok let's add her. But again, she told me to go fuck myself. She made a scene and then never tried to fix it. Why should I be the one chasing her down?? You can't just say these things and then expect them to go away once the smoke has cleared and you're ready to listen.

    After reading a lot of what you're saying. Yep. This probably all could of been avoided if things went down differently. But they didn't. This is life. You live and you learn. But I'm sick and tired of hearing my parents bitch about how she's a leach, and then have me be concerned about them needing to pay for her dress or whatever. I had made the comment to them originally where they agreed with what I was saying. So they agree with me about how she should be responsible, yet I'm wrong to everybody else for being concerned about it? It's easy to comment and say what should or shouldn't be done when you're not in the situation, which is understandable and why I stand by when I am thanking everybody for the honest advice, snarky or not.

    I understand what you mean when you say that you didn't want to have a follow-up conversation with your sister after she was mean to you. 

    However, I think part of the problem here is that you're not willing to be the bigger/older person. I assume your sister is younger than you and clearly you think (and she may very well be) she's less mature than you. You're also clearly upset about the way your parents treat her.

    The thing is that you're an adult now. When we were younger, my siblings and I were all treated differently based on gender, ability (or perceived ability by our parents), etc etc, and that annoyed me to no end. But then I grew up and got over it. The only thing you can do if you're unhappy with the way your parents raised you and your sister is to be a different kind of parent. No amount of arguing with them or her is going to change them. I think it's time you accept that and let it go.

    For your wedding, people are hung up not on the actual number 4, but the fact that you picked a number in general and are insisting on even sides. You keep saying that it wouldn't matter if someone says they want 3 or 10 - but yes, it would. The fact is that choosing your BP shouldn't be based on some number you've liked. It should be based on who are the people closest to you who you want to stand next to you on your wedding day. If you come up with 1 person, then it's 1. If you come up with 12, then it's 12. You just have it backwards.

    So what I think you need to do here is to take a step back, realize you aren't going to change your parents' or sister's behavior, and stop trying to get involved with their relationship/your parents' decisions regarding your sister. And then decide if the number 4 is more important than having your sister stand up there with you.


    That's exactly what it is. People who have never grown up in a family like that, don't quite get it. As being the older one, I was literally either punished for everything, or was told no. Then she comes along and it's "yeah go do whatever you want. Oh no punishment ensues when she did something wrong.

    It's no different now that we are older. And you're right, it absolutely grates my nerves to no end. I've literally busted my ass to get where I am and she just floats by on their coat tails. So maybe you're right. I should just pick up and move on. I will say I tried approaching this from a calm angle, but when you start attacking people (like they did yesterday) that have nothing to do with this, then what's the point in continuing the conversation. Part of me feels like I am being stubborn. But at the same time, I'm trying to get my point across. It may not be my job or even my position to do such things, but it's for a reason. Because you semi know what it's like, I'm afraid if I allow this to happen, they will think they can walk all over me in the future about another decision, or push me to do something I don't want to do because I allowed it this one time. Does that make sense? I'm having this issue now, what happens when we have kids? There's gotta be give and take with everything and I feel like I'm giving and nobody else on their sides are. It's so frustrating.

  • JamieLynn913JamieLynn913 Watertown, CT member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    I actually was just getting ready to sit down and speak with my sister. I think the best way to settle this is to just speak with her and figure out a way to solve this. It won't get solved asking for advice (although it really, REALLY has helped and brought up good points) and it most definitely won't get solved talking to my parents. So we will see.

  • I mean, not for nothing. If somebody flat out said to your face "fuck you and fuck your wedding" would you chase them down to have them reconsider? I mean lets be realistic here. I highly doubt anybody else, regardless if it was a family member or not would be knocking down doors to have that person rethink twice about their decision. Again. I don't understand what everybody's issue is with the fact I want 4 people on each side. It's really not a matter to get into a heated debate about. If somebody chose 3, would people question why they chose 3? If somebody wanted 10, would people question why they want so many and why they chose 10? Doubtful. I wanted 4 for a reason ever since I could remember and I shouldn't have to explain my reasoning. YES everybody will argue "you're making this a big deal because if you just add one more person your sister could be in the wedding" yes I understand that and every other point everybody has made. It would be way easier to just be like ok let's add her. But again, she told me to go fuck myself. She made a scene and then never tried to fix it. Why should I be the one chasing her down?? You can't just say these things and then expect them to go away once the smoke has cleared and you're ready to listen. After reading a lot of what you're saying. Yep. This probably all could of been avoided if things went down differently. But they didn't. This is life. You live and you learn. But I'm sick and tired of hearing my parents bitch about how she's a leach, and then have me be concerned about them needing to pay for her dress or whatever. I had made the comment to them originally where they agreed with what I was saying. So they agree with me about how she should be responsible, yet I'm wrong to everybody else for being concerned about it? It's easy to comment and say what should or shouldn't be done when you're not in the situation, which is understandable and why I stand by when I am thanking everybody for the honest advice, snarky or not.
    I understand what you mean when you say that you didn't want to have a follow-up conversation with your sister after she was mean to you. 

    However, I think part of the problem here is that you're not willing to be the bigger/older person. I assume your sister is younger than you and clearly you think (and she may very well be) she's less mature than you. You're also clearly upset about the way your parents treat her.

    The thing is that you're an adult now. When we were younger, my siblings and I were all treated differently based on gender, ability (or perceived ability by our parents), etc etc, and that annoyed me to no end. But then I grew up and got over it. The only thing you can do if you're unhappy with the way your parents raised you and your sister is to be a different kind of parent. No amount of arguing with them or her is going to change them. I think it's time you accept that and let it go.

    For your wedding, people are hung up not on the actual number 4, but the fact that you picked a number in general and are insisting on even sides. You keep saying that it wouldn't matter if someone says they want 3 or 10 - but yes, it would. The fact is that choosing your BP shouldn't be based on some number you've liked. It should be based on who are the people closest to you who you want to stand next to you on your wedding day. If you come up with 1 person, then it's 1. If you come up with 12, then it's 12. You just have it backwards.

    So what I think you need to do here is to take a step back, realize you aren't going to change your parents' or sister's behavior, and stop trying to get involved with their relationship/your parents' decisions regarding your sister. And then decide if the number 4 is more important than having your sister stand up there with you.
    That's exactly what it is. People who have never grown up in a family like that, don't quite get it. As being the older one, I was literally either punished for everything, or was told no. Then she comes along and it's "yeah go do whatever you want. Oh no punishment ensues when she did something wrong. It's no different now that we are older. And you're right, it absolutely grates my nerves to no end. I've literally busted my ass to get where I am and she just floats by on their coat tails. So maybe you're right. I should just pick up and move on. I will say I tried approaching this from a calm angle, but when you start attacking people (like they did yesterday) that have nothing to do with this, then what's the point in continuing the conversation. Part of me feels like I am being stubborn. But at the same time, I'm trying to get my point across. It may not be my job or even my position to do such things, but it's for a reason. Because you semi know what it's like, I'm afraid if I allow this to happen, they will think they can walk all over me in the future about another decision, or push me to do something I don't want to do because I allowed it this one time. Does that make sense? I'm having this issue now, what happens when we have kids? There's gotta be give and take with everything and I feel like I'm giving and nobody else on their sides are. It's so frustrating.
    I think the best thing to do here is to tell your parents you and your sister will handle it. And handle it. While I understand what you mean about putting your foot down and not having your parents make demands, I don't think you should punish your sister (and possibly yourself) to make this point. If you want your sister to be your bridesmaid, you should tell her that. Do not talk to her about money. Tell her you want her to stand with you on your wedding day. Later, when it's time to buy the dresses, ask her what budget she is comfortable with. If she goes back to your parents to ask for money, guess what? Not your problem. Drop it.

    You also need to stop – once and for all – talking to your sister through your parents. Your sister definitely won't stop if you don't. From now on, when your parents bring up your sister in any negative way – whether to yell at you for not including her or even to complain about her – you do not engage. You tell them you are not interested in talking about your sister behind her back. You change the subject. That's it. You and your sister are not children anymore and it's time to start acting that way, which includes having your relationship completely independent of your parents.

    This will also involve you letting go of the problems you have with how your parents raised you two. Like I said, that's done and they aren't going to suddenly change now. It's not your job to step in or get involved in any way. I think this is the only way you can have healthy relationships with your sister and your parents going forward. It will also help address the problem you're worried about with your parents being able to yell until they get their way because you will start establishing boundaries with them. 

    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    I actually was just getting ready to sit down and speak with my sister. I think the best way to settle this is to just speak with her and figure out a way to solve this. It won't get solved asking for advice (although it really, REALLY has helped and brought up good points) and it most definitely won't get solved talking to my parents. So we will see.

    Amen.

    I absoutley agree. . .you just need to talk to your sister and then go from there.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • I actually was just getting ready to sit down and speak with my sister. I think the best way to settle this is to just speak with her and figure out a way to solve this. It won't get solved asking for advice (although it really, REALLY has helped and brought up good points) and it most definitely won't get solved talking to my parents. So we will see.
    Amen. I absoutley agree. . .you just need to talk to your sister and then go from there.
    And maybe make it not about the wedding when you talk to her. Your wedding is one day. She's your sister forever. Doesn't mean you have to like her or even get along with her, but if you want a relationship with her, don't give her fuel for a grudge.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I gave up reading on some of these responses lol but heres my input: 

    I absolutely 100% get the 4 people. I personally have the same limits on my fiance of us having exact numbers because it bothers me. To everyone saying its just  a number - to a lot of people that actually will really bother them esp if they have any amount of OCD (diagnosed or undiagnosed.)

    Evaluate your relationship with your sister and weigh what matters more to you. And if you think she wont be supportive or a good bridesmaid, maybe talk to her and say " Obviously we had a misscommunication, when you told me to go eff myself and my wedding I took that as a no. I was very hurt by that and asked another friend to be in the wedding. We've already had our BP and everything set up for months, but I do want you there and want you to be a part of it if you are ready to - would you be willing to do a reading during the ceremony? I'd love for you to come wedding dress shopping with me, as my sister not as my bridesmaid. I'm really sorry if you feel left out now, but I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I love you, but I think its best if we left the bridal party as is and included you in other ways. FI(insert name)'s brother isnt in the wedding party either so its not just you."

    Or something similar. And tell your parents to butt out - calmly tell them (in person) that you felt bombarded by those phone calls, and that you feel like they took her side - even though months ago they were saying THIS. 

    Maybe you need to have a conversation with your parents about how you feel they support your sister financial and in others ways and that you dont feel like they support you - that this is supposed to be your day and it just feels like its becoming all about what they and your sister want and that you expected they wouldn't be "that family" 

    Calmly. lol talk calmly. Justify their feelings as well as explaining yours and hold to your guns - but do it for the right reasons. Dont include her in the BP because you like the BP you  have, your partway in and you think its best that she isnt included and not because of some hidden resentment to your sister. 

    PS totally know how you feel - FI's brother just refused to be a groomsman 8 months before the wedding and theres a big drama story attached :)
  • You both sound extremely immature.
    levioosamileybangerzInLoveInQueenscharlotte989875
  • OP - the first mistake was dictating how your parents spend their money, their money 100% their choice, for the future, it's none of your gosh darn business unless you're the Power of Attorney over all things financial for them.  Not everyone is ready to fly from the nest when they're 22.  In the ideal world, that'd be the case, but it's just sometimes not.  Your parents are free to choose how they spend their own money.  Your mistake, taking what should have been discussed (airing of one's grievances) as a private matter at home into a public venue (Restaurant).  It's not what was said, but how it was said.  Sometimes in families there is a need to have an old fashioned "Data dump" or "airing of one's grievances", which usually ends with everyone forgiving, forgetting, and moving on having been heard.  Having been heard doesn't equal agreement and change either.  People are free to make their own choices.  What you have here is a failure to communicate.  Adulting is sometimes hard.   Now, where do you go from here, you said you reached out to her after the fact and never got a response.  Your wedding is over a year away.  If she's accepting your invite extended in a contact after the fact, Congrats, you now have a 5th bridesmaid.  From here on out, you talk with your Sister, not through your parents.  Find out what role she's comfortable in taking on and go from there.  It's NONE of your business how she pays for her dress/attire. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    PrettyGirlLost
  • ...i caan't get past the part where you sat your parents down and explained to them that they're not allowed to pay for your sister's bridesmaid expenses...lol wtf.  What your parents spend their money on is none of your business.  It's lovely that you think that they spoil her, but again, it's their money and their problem and you don't get to hand down life lessons to your parents about their personal finances.

     

    This is coming from a person who put herself through grad school and drove around in the inexpensive car her parents bought her in high school for 17 years (which I was extremely appreciative for), while her sister got 3 free (and much nicer) cars and 6 years of education paid for by the same parents.  In fact, my mom still pays her cell phone bill, and she is 30 years old and married.  Aside from light ribbing about the cell phone thing (because seriously, that's pretty silly), I stay out of it, because my parents' financial relationship with my sister has absolutely nothing to do with me.  I don't know how much money they gave her for her wedding, and I don't care.  And yes, they paid for all of her BM expenses for my wedding...they also paid for my expenses to be in her wedding.  I could have easily afforded to pay my own way, but they offered and I accepted. 

     

    Honestly, if your parents are paying for part of the wedding, I don't think it would be ridiculous for them to pick up your sister's BM expenses regardless of their financial relationship with her otherwise.  That's a pretty common thing to do.  DH's parents paid for his stuff for his sister's wedding, and her stuff for ours.  This isn't really unusual, so it sounds like you're making a really big deal out of absolutely nothing.

    OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
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