Tiered Reception - The right way to do it?

themosthappy91

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

PP's have it covered re: there is 100% no right way to do a tiered reception because it is always, always rude but just want to add- does anyone else think the bolded is kind of gross? I would be super insulted if someone I cared about told me they could care less about watching me make the very meaningful decision to weld my life to that of my true love, but they're stoked to come drink and dance with us!

Repeat after me: the ceremony is the important part. It's not something boring to just "sit through" and if you have that attitude you need to grow up in a big way.

marie2785

OP--NO ONE is likely to tell you to your face that they're hurt by being part of your B-list. But after attending a tiered reception and hearing from the guests at the wedding, I PROMISE you they'll be griping, and you'll be on your office's shit list for being selfish, rude and gift grabby. Sure they'll smile and say congrats, and then you'll miss your next promotion and wonder why... 

If you can't afford to have them at your reception, have an unhosted, casual after party. Just tell them you'll plan to go to xyz bar at 10:00 and meet anyone there who feels like joining. You may not get many people, but that's life. 

Bonus issue--alot of time weddings and receptions run late. How terrible and awkward will it be when your b-list arrives and everyone is still eating dinner? Will they just awkwardly line the walls and wait for their dessert and dancing while your favorite people get to finish their nice dinner? Or what if it runs early, will you just not serve dessert until your less loved friends show up? I've been at weddings that due to unforeseen circumstances (weather, traffic issues, kitchen issues, major football games that went into OT) dinner has gone an hour late! 

aurianna

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

I still consider myself a "young person." Yet, if I were invited to just the "after" portion of the reception, you bet I'd be offended. Because this is how it comes across to most people (even most of your guests; they're just don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you how rude you're being):
You're not special enough to see me get married. And you are DEFINITELY not special enough for me to pay to feed you. But hey, still come look at me prance around in a pretty dress. Don't forget to leave a present!

Weddings have not "evolved" in a way that makes tiered receptions un-rude. Rather, each generation of brides seemingly get more entitled and think their situations are special.


Some personal experience:
-I had a Catholic wedding and managed not to have a gap that does nothing but bore your guests and waste their time.
-I had a more intimate wedding than you (about 100 people), and still had very little one-on-one time with anyone for "bonding." So 100 or 300 guests it's not going to make much of a difference in this aspect. Might as well invite them all to everything.


And as to the bolded:
Guests NEVER have to bring a gift. So get the thought out of your head right now that if they come to your dinner that they must bring you a gift. It's not a requirement. (And this will backfire on you anyway, because a lot of people view being invited to just part of a wedding as a way for the couple to get even more gifts without hosting as many guests).

Also.... you mentioned that the guests that get invited later get to "bring a date." Are you implying that your other guests do not get to bring dates?
If you have a guest that is truly single and is not dating anyone, it is ok to invite them solo. But it's not very fair to them that they get invited dateless and then people get to come later and bring dates.
And it is only acceptable to invite someone without a "date" if they are truly single. I very much hope you plan on inviting people with significant others (spouse, fiances, bf/gfs) regardless of what part of the wedding they're invited to. If not, you're committing yet another really big faux-pas.

mileybangerz

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

Weddings do not do this:

monkeysip

SP29

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

Uh, this "young people" and "weddings evolving" is not a thing (pretty sure people have been doing rude things such as tiered receptions for decades anyway ). Please don't paint all young people as rude. Please also do not state that all young people don't want to go to a ceremony or sit through dinner or all they want to do is party.

The point of a wedding is the ceremony- that is the most important part.  

I am still young. The ceremony is my favourite part. Dinner is my next favourite. Just yesterday I was talking to my other young co-workers, one of whom was at a wedding on the weekend that had a gap- both co-workers (who are even younger than I ) complained about gaps. When I was a teenager I was invited to the wedding of DH's cousin, but we (DH's family as well) were only invited to the dance portion. I was still going to go, and I knew nothing of etiquette then, but it still left me with a bad taste- even then I knew that showing up to a party after 1/2-3/4 of the rest of the guests were already there meant something, and it meant we were sub-par. 

Don't do a tiered reception. You DO NOT have to invite your co-workers. You can invite some, you can invite none. You do not need to invite your neighbours or locals, just because. You should be inviting people because they are your family or friends and you want them there. You should have had this discussion with your parents long ago- what's the budget? Ok, this is who we would like to see invited... discuss with parents. If your parents are making things tricky, pay for and plan your own wedding. 

onefootinthebayou

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are De-volving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

FTFY.

Weddings are weddings, there is nothing to "evolve" with this concept.  Receptions are a thank-you to your guests for attending your ceremony.  Again, this is a fixed sentiment in accordance with etiquette, no room for evolution here. 

Cake styles, doing away with money dances, nixing the garter belt thing, bold flower choices, interesting venues...sure, those things may "evolve" or change over time. 

Good manners don't need to evolve, they are what they are and to label bad manners (your plan) as "evolution" is...just...I just can't. 

Please please please listen to the good advice you got here if you care at all about your friends, family, career, anything...

climbingsingle

Tiered weddings are tacky and rude. I'm young. I have been to dozens of weddings. If someone invited me to a tiered party, I'd be incredibly offended. I'd think less of that person. And I'd question if I would really want to hang around someone that thinks it's ok to treat people like that.

If you can't afford to host all of these people for the whole event, DO NOT INVITE THEM.

kmmssg

drunkenwitch said:

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

Holy shit, weddings are evolving?  when the fuck did that happen?

Have they developed speech yet?  How about thumbs?  Have they started using tools?  Do weddings have a hive mind mentality or are they individuals.  And why is no one else worried about this?

Holy shit is right!  My husband is gonna be really pissed if weddings get opposable thumbs before our cats do.  He really wants our cats to have those.

CMGragain

Horribly, unforgivably RUDE!

jacques27

People close to you are not going to tell you you're being rude because they don't want to hurt your feelings. 

A close friend of mine is essentially having a tiered reception.  Luckily, in it, I still get to eat something, but not the dinner.  I respect that they wanted a ceremony and dinner that was immediate family and their three BFFs.  And if they had kept it to that, I would have been thrilled.  Maybe disappointed for about 30 seconds maximum that I don't get to see my friend get married, but that's it - I would have moved on and been happy for my friend.  Then they decided to tack on the consolation party at the end for "everyone else" and you know what?  I'm not thrilled about it.  I would rather not go because it just emphasizes the fact that I wasn't special enough to make the original cut to see my friend get married and celebrate immediately afterward, but good enough to be a prop to fulfill their vision for a party later on.

I'm going to the party and I'm acting like I'm thrilled about it.  Did I tell my friend how this makes me really feel?  No, because it would hurt his feelings. But I won't forget and it will probably change the dynamic just a little.

Make a decision based on what you can afford in order to host everyone properly and own it.  Don't rank your friends and family because you think you're just that special to them that being rude excuses your behavior.  If you care about them, you should want to treat them well and with respect - a tiered reception accomplishes neither of those things.

CMGragain

Knottie1438728099 said:

My fiancé and I work for separate small companies, but in the same work space. We know we'll have to invite everyone from both of our offices to the wedding (about 50 people), but our goal from the beginning was to keep the wedding intimate so we could bond with our families and close friends. So I heard of a tiered reception and how they're becoming more and more common. 

Here's how I've planned it... 

- Family, all out of town guests, and our best friends are invited to the ceremony (1pm Catholic wedding) and then to the reception space for cocktail hour/dinner and speeches (starting at 5:30). That'll be about 150 people. 

- After dinner is over we'll clear the space and invite all of our in-town friends, neighbors, co-workers to join us for the dancing and desserts portion (starting at 7:30). The bar will be open, the DJ will have just started, and I've set up a large dessert bar so that they won't feel like they've missed out on special treatment. Oh! And everyone will be allowed to bring a +1.

Our wedding is also over 4th of July weekend, so I thought our in town guests would maybe appreciate us not taking up their entire day, and they'd just like to party with us at night with treats and free booze. 

I know it's a fine line and lots of people think this is rude, but I'm hoping to make everyone feel special. 

My questions:

1. How do I do Save the Dates? My idea is to send a StD to the people invited to the whole thing, and then a card that says to "Save the Evening" for a dancing event to the in-town guests. 

2. Has anyone done this and have recommendations on how to make this go seamlessly? 

Thanks!

This might be the format for your very rude tiered reception STD.  Would this make YOU feel special?

Bride and Groom are getting married!
Date
You are not important enough to come to our ceremony and dinner reception, but you can join us later for dancing.  Don't forget to bring your gift!

Eight o'clock
Pretentious Country Club
City, State

Teddy917

kmmssg said:

drunkenwitch said:

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

Holy shit, weddings are evolving?  when the fuck did that happen?

Have they developed speech yet?  How about thumbs?  Have they started using tools?  Do weddings have a hive mind mentality or are they individuals.  And why is no one else worried about this?

Holy shit is right!  My husband is gonna be really pissed if weddings get opposable thumbs before our cats do.  He really wants our cats to have those.

My cats are enough trouble without thumbs. I can only imagine the trouble I'd come home to if they got opposable thumbs.

MairePoppy

Just say

MobKaz

mileybangerz said:

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

Weddings do not do this:

Uh oh......there may be some 'splainin' to do........ if Pinterest builds it, they WILL come.....

kimmiinthemitten

You know how weddings have "evolved" in my 15ish years as an adult?  More people are hosting them in museums, farmers markets, theaters and beaches instead of a church followed by country club.

redoryx

MobKaz said:

mileybangerz said:

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

Weddings do not do this:

Uh oh......there may be some 'splainin' to do........ if Pinterest builds it, they WILL come.....

There is so much that is wrong with this picture, I don't even know where to begin. But if I had to pick a starting point it'd be asking why the non-white guy with dreads is the most devolved . 

onefootinthebayou

redoryx said:

MobKaz said:

mileybangerz said:

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

Weddings do not do this:

Uh oh......there may be some 'splainin' to do........ if Pinterest builds it, they WILL come.....





There is so much that is wrong with this picture, I don't even know where to begin. But if I had to pick a starting point it'd be asking why the non-white guy with dreads is the most devolved . 

I thought that exact same thing & was horrified but I zoomed and I think he might be a white guy w/really dark & long dreds. Still wrong.

JBee85

ITT, I hate how: 

1. The OP insinuates how her co-workers "say" they are ok with a tiered wedding because they are "young people." Like what the fuck? This OP assumes we are just old women? Or that this implies that young people lack manners and socially acceptable behavioral skills? It's insulting to the posters and your co-workers. Way to go, OP!

2. Blames the gap on a Catholic ceremony. I had a Catholic wedding and was able to have my guests munch on appetizers and drink cocktails right after my ceremony, and my meals came an hour after the ceremony. Using religious ceremonies isn't a valid excuse for a gap, IMO.

Lizzieyounce

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here.





It's not "the age"...good manners are ageless. 

Heffalump

MobKaz said:

mileybangerz said:

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

Weddings do not do this:

Uh oh......there may be some 'splainin' to do........ if Pinterest builds it, they WILL come.....

The middle guy (the one looking sheepishly at the photographer) looks so much like my former boss, it's incredible.  As in, I am literally squinting at the screen trying to rule it out, and I can't.  If it weren't so random, I would send it to him and ask.  Because if it was him, I'll bet this wedding was a goldmine of appalling stories, and this photo is just scratching the surface.

Oh, and OP, don't do a tiered reception.  I don't care if you're 18 or 80, but hosting certain things for some guests and not others is really poor hosting and bound to cause hurt feelings.  Which I'm guessing is not what you're trying for.  Back to the drawing board--lots of good suggestions above.

thisismynickname2

I attended a tiered reception. 

DH got an e-mail from a couple we're acquainted with. "We're celebrating our wedding on Saturday night at [nice Irish bar], come join around 8pm!" 

So we think, oh, Irish bar, cool. We're not close enough to them to have remembered when their wedding date actually was; we figured this was just a "yay we're married, come out" kind of thing. So we show up in regular Saturday-night going-out clothes (with a card and $50 gift card, because we're nice people) and discovered it was immediately after a dinner reception held in the private dining rooms of a very nice, upscale restaurant/bar. Everyone but us was in suits and dresses. The bar was open to the others, but not to us. We felt like assholes. Other people we were acquainted with were happy to see us and we had a good time socializing, but we were very taken off-guard. Plus, one of DH's good friends who was there said, "You know, they invited like 40 people to come tonight and you guys are the only ones who did. Those people are so rude." UM WHAT?  They had it backwards for sure. 

Oh, and no thank you card was ever received...

missa011

I'm 26 and know that having a gap between my Catholic ceremony and reception is a no-no. Cocktails are immediately following. 

Also, I was 24 when my cousin got married and had a 4 hour gap and I still did not appreciate it. So…no. Being "young" does not mean you can go against etiquette. 

banana468

missa011 said:

I'm 26 and know that having a gap between my Catholic ceremony and reception is a no-no. Cocktails are immediately following. 

Also, I was 24 when my cousin got married and had a 4 hour gap and I still did not appreciate it. So…no. Being "young" does not mean you can go against etiquette. 

It is the excuse I use for my kids.   "Oh she's 4.   She's learning.   She doesn't understand yet."

Do you really want to be viewed as a grown-ass woman old enough to legally unite yourself with another adult who is too young to understand right from wrong?????   

MandyMost

I have a perfect solution. First, have a wedding and invite whoever you want (to the whole thing, or nothing at all). 

Then, another day, have a party. Maybe even have a party that has nothing to do with your marriage. Parties are awesome. 

Why are so many people stuck trying to force every party they've ever wanted to have into a single wedding event. People, have more parties!!!!! For more reasons!!!!

LD1970

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

They're not evolving like this, that's for sure.  And they're young people?  Well, I must be brighter than your friends and coworkers, because even when I was 16 I'd still realize you were treating me like a second class friend.  I wouldn't accept your sort-of invitation, and I'd let our friendship fizzle.  Quickly.

JediElizabeth

MandyMost said:

I have a perfect solution. First, have a wedding and invite whoever you want (to the whole thing, or nothing at all). 

Then, another day, have a party. Maybe even have a party that has nothing to do with your marriage. Parties are awesome. 

Why are so many people stuck trying to force every party they've ever wanted to have into a single wedding event. People, have more parties!!!!! For more reasons!!!!

Simple: you don't get gifts at those kinds of parties. Didn't you know: gifts are the most important part of a wedding!

arrippa

Teddy917 said:

drunkenwitch said:

Knottie1438728099 said:

The co-works and in-town friends all young people. They all go to weddings constantly, it's the age. A lot of people have expressed they'd be glad to not have to sit through the ceremony and the dinner. They're pumped to go the party at night and not have to give a big gift and get to bring a date. And if they'd don't want to come, then there's no pressure. Most of them will be traveling over the weekend of the 4th anyway. 

I understand there's a traditional way of doing things, but weddings are evolving. So really I'm just looking for input on the best way to do it, since it is happening. It doesn't look like I'll get any helpful insight here. 

Holy shit, weddings are evolving?  when the fuck did that happen?

Have they developed speech yet?  How about thumbs?  Have they started using tools?  Do weddings have a hive mind mentality or are they individuals.  And why is no one else worried about this?

Holy shit is right!  My husband is gonna be really pissed if weddings get opposable thumbs before our cats do.  He really wants our cats to have those.

My cats are enough trouble without thumbs. I can only imagine the trouble I'd come home to if they got opposable thumbs.

SP29

MandyMost said:

I have a perfect solution. First, have a wedding and invite whoever you want (to the whole thing, or nothing at all). 

Then, another day, have a party. Maybe even have a party that has nothing to do with your marriage. Parties are awesome. 

Why are so many people stuck trying to force every party they've ever wanted to have into a single wedding event. People, have more parties!!!!! For more reasons!!!!

Yes! Anyone can throw a party for any reason. (I actually wish that hosting house/dinner parties was more common. I was reading an article recently that said that the current 20-30 year old generations are hosting less social events in general- due to many reasons- money, lack of their own home, and social customs/etiquette not being passed down). 

OP, if you want to celebrate with all these people, you could host an open house at a later date (like a "Come meet my new spouse!") where all of your friends/neighbours/coworkers can come to your home. You could host a, "I just wanted to see all of you!" party. You could host a dinner party at your home- your first dinner party as Mr. and Mrs.! The options are endless! 

No one needs to invite every single person they've ever met to their wedding, particularly when it puts the bride and groom into a position of poor hosting. Weddings aren't reunions. 

levioosa

thisismynickname said:

I attended a tiered reception. 

DH got an e-mail from a couple we're acquainted with. "We're celebrating our wedding on Saturday night at [nice Irish bar], come join around 8pm!" 

So we think, oh, Irish bar, cool. We're not close enough to them to have remembered when their wedding date actually was; we figured this was just a "yay we're married, come out" kind of thing. So we show up in regular Saturday-night going-out clothes (with a card and $50 gift card, because we're nice people) and discovered it was immediately after a dinner reception held in the private dining rooms of a very nice, upscale restaurant/bar. Everyone but us was in suits and dresses. The bar was open to the others, but not to us. We felt like assholes. Other people we were acquainted with were happy to see us and we had a good time socializing, but we were very taken off-guard. Plus, one of DH's good friends who was there said, "You know, they invited like 40 people to come tonight and you guys are the only ones who did. Those people are so rude." UM WHAT?  They had it backwards for sure. 

Oh, and no thank you card was ever received...

I was part of a tiered reception where I was part of the "VIP" list that was allowed the dinner reception.  I can't remember if I mentioned that in this thread, or one of the other tiered reception threads (why the fuck are there so many right now?)  Anyways, even as a VIP I was like, "wtf, why are they hosting people differently?  People came out here to honor them, so why are they only being given the bare minimum while I get the dinner?"  So, OP, both VIPs and the "less important" will judge you.