Wedding Party

BM Kicked Out Last Week, Wedding Is Friday - Say/Do Anything? (XP)

Hi all,

Sorry, just a forewarning, this is suuuuuper long (although still cut down from what I originally wrote, haha). Mostly I just needed to get stuff off my chest, so feel free to skip to the last paragraph for my actual question.

Angie and I have been very close for over a decade; she was one of my bridesmaids in 2009. When she got engaged two years ago, she told me she wanted me to be a BM (and did an official BM proposal thing a year ago). For the past two years, she and I have talked over wedding stuff on numerous occasions, and I've sent her wedding articles and such (like all those Buzzfeed pages with creative ideas) every time I've come across them. She asked me to go look at venues with her and while I wasn't able to due to work/school/other obligations, I went over venue options with her and attended nearly all of her wedding dress shopping back in February (missed the first store but went to the other 4 with her). I've tried to be very patient and helpful since her mom is a little distracted and nearly all of her eight other BMs have never been married. Starting in February this year, things have been super rough for me. I studied and sat for the bar exam while still working full-time, separated from my husband, found out I passed my exam (and consequently began taking on even greater responsibility at work), had a ton of drama with my soon-to-be-ex husband (domestic abuse issues/restraining orders/finally filing for divorce/alimony fights/etc), started seeing someone new, and dealt with my favorite auntie passing away. All of this has been on top of my job as an attorney (insane amount of hours, particularly the past two months) as well as trying to sort things out for my dad, who got severely injured two and a half years ago but still hasn't recovered despite several surgeries and who I am trying to help get surgeries/financial recovery/some sort of relief from the massive amounts of pain he's in all the time. 

Angie is more or less aware of everything I am going through. I took her out to dinner in June and told her briefly about the divorce-related things, though I spent most of the time listening and giving advice while she vented about wedding/family stuff. Then she and I hung out at the end of July and I broke down crying about my ex. She let me vent, then asked if I'd gotten my shoes and dress yet. I said no and apologized; she offered to help by ordering my dress and/or shoes for me if I just gave her my CC number to place the order. I felt bad putting that on her so I said no I'll take care of it but thank you (and then ordered my dress and shoes soon after). I also apologized for not checking in on her/being around as much due to everything going on, and she said it was fine. She did ask if I would make it up to her by going to a business mixer her fiance was throwing in a week; I already had a prior commitment that night but I felt bad so I said yes I'd go for as long as I could, and went for an hour before I had to leave.

Angie's bachelorette party was mid-August. Her MOH (who is also her future SIL) texted all of us bridesmaids that though the party would be in town, she wanted to do hotel rooms so we each owed her $200. Between the divorce and helping my family, money is a little tight for me right now so I declined staying in the hotel but told the MOH several times I'd be in attendance at the party, and texted her about some cute buttons and sashes and things I'd bought for everyone for the big night. A week before the party, the MOH texted me the official invite; as it turned out, the bachelorette party had turned into a bachelorette weekend, with dinner/barhopping downtown starting at 830 Friday, lounging by the pool all day Saturday, and dinner/dancing starting at 830 Saturday night. I was pretty caught off guard (and a little worried about how I was going to make it to everything), but told the MOH the invite looked great.

The Friday of the party, Angie texted me at 6 asking why I wasn't coming to her bachelorette weekend; apparently the MOH told her I hadn't confirmed to anything. I sent Angie screen shots of all my texts to the MOH saying I would be there for all the evening events. Angie just responded that everyone was meeting at the hotel already. I was surprised they were all meeting beforehand and so early; I'd planned on working til 8 and then leaving to go downtown for dinner. I told her I was still at work but I'd be there for dinner. She said ok dinner's at 730 see you soon. I was REALLY surprised by that, and reminded her the invite had said 830 so I was definitely going to be late. She did not respond, so when I got downtown (admittedly quite late, since by the time I finished what I needed to do for work and drove there and found parking it was already 10) I texted the MOH instead and asked which bar they were at. She replied that they were not downtown barhopping but rather about to go into a stripper show, for which they had apparently gotten tickets (but forgotten to tell me about). I was surprised again and knew there was no way for me to make it and join them even if tickets were still available, so I said ok and asked where they were going after. MOH said she would let me know; I said thanks, but never heard from her the rest of the night. Needless to say, I was pretty perturbed - the next day I texted Angie and let her know I'd gotten incomplete information and asked what the plan was for the day. She confirmed that the invite was correct re Saturday details. Unfortunately, I got caught up with divorce-related things all day, and was again running late for dinner. I texted Angie apologizing and letting her know I was running late. I got to the hotel about an hour late; I still hadn't heard from Angie (who also didn't answer my calls), but I hung around for about an hour before I finally heard from the MOH and met up with everyone. I handed out all the fun things I'd brought, Angie/the other BMs were very delighted and excited, and we went off to go dancing. About half the bridesmaids disappeared when we got there but I stuck by Angie the whole night and paid for her entry/bought her shots/held her purse in the bathroom/took pictures for her/etc. We were out extremely late, but it seemed like Angie had a great time, and she and I even had a chance to chat a little bit while waiting in lines.

About a week later, Angie texted me apologizing for being consumed with the wedding and asked how my dad was doing. I said I completely understood and gave her a quick update. She texted me again a few days later and asked if I was doing anything for my birthday the next day, but I told her I was too depressed to do anything. She called me on my birthday the next morning; I had a rare free moment at work so I chatted with her for about 45 minutes. She asked about dropping off my birthday gift and I told her to just call me whenever she was free. I didn't hear from her til a few days into September, when she texted me saying she hoped I'd had a good birthday and she wanted to give me my gift but she would be working late all week, so she wanted to know if I'd be available the following week. I thanked her and told her the following week was pretty open so just let me know when she was free.

I didn't hear from Angie again for a week, when she texted apologizing for not calling to get together and asking if I was going to be at her bridal shower that was in four days. Unfortunately, during the week's lull since I'd last texted her, things had gone catastrophic with my dad (who we were informed was about to be paralyzed if we didn't get his surgery done soon), my ex, my boyfriend, and work. I was incredibly stressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed beyond belief. I told myself to remember to call her when I got done with work, and then....completely forgot. She texted me two days later with a '??' and then texted me again the morning of the day of her bridal shower saying she hoped I'd be there and she'd bring my birthday gift just in case. I finally texted her back and apologized, letting her know I was having a really rough week and dealing with a lot of stuff, and told her I would be there that afternoon. Angie didn't respond. I went and picked up her bridal shower gift but then got caught up with taking my dad to further doctor appointments, and I ended up missing her shower. I had to be the one to take my dad to his appointments and was an incredible mess once I was finally done with all his stuff (it's such a horrible thing watching your formerly tough-as-nails dad laying on an examining table crying from all the pain) but I felt terrible about missing her shower. I called her a couple days later, but she sent me straight to voicemail so I left her a long voicemail apologizing profusely and letting her know about what was going on. Angie never called me back.

A week later, with about 3 1/2 weeks to go before the wedding, Angie sent a group text to all the bridesmaids. Up til then Angie hadn't said anything about times for reheasal/wedding day, but the wedding website she created had the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner set for Thursday at 6 pm and the wedding the following day at 6 pm. I usually work until well past 6 or 7 most nights, but I'd arranged to leave work at 5 the day of the rehearsal, and at 4 the day of the wedding. However, in the group text, Angie informed us that due to another wedding, the rehearsal would be during the day now and we needed to be at the venue by 1:45. Angie also said she decided a rehearsal dinner would be too stressful for her the day before the wedding, so instead she wanted everyone to go to a restaurant across the street after the rehearsal was done to buy our own late lunches and sit around talking about the next day. Then Angie dropped the real bombshell: she wanted all of us to arrive by noon the day of the wedding. She also went into extensive detail about the condition she wanted us to arrive in (basically, specific nail polish color, no makeup/hair products, and wearing PJs "to lounge" for awhile). I started freaking out, because I hadn't anticipated needing to take so much time off (especially on top of all the time I've already been and will need to continue taking off for my personal stuff), and I already had a number of work things scheduled for those two days. However, I realized there were more important things to worry about and I would just figure it out somehow. I arranged to take off for a few hours during the day for the Thursday rehearsal and I got one meeting moved so that I could leave by at least 3 on Friday. 

I had 'figure out how to leave by noon on Friday' on my list of things to do when Angie finally texted me during the early afternoon at the beginning of last week. She said she hoped things were going well, noted we hadn't talked in awhile (big surprise, she never returned my call or texts), and asked whether I was bringing my ex or my boyfriend to the wedding. I was surprised by her question since I'd already asked her awhile back whether she was comfortable with me bringing my boyfriend instead of my ex, and when she said she was totally fine with that I'd gone ahead and RSVP'd for my boyfriend and I. So I told her I wasn't sure if she was mad or just busy with wedding stuff so I'd been giving her her space, and reminded her I was bringing my boyfriend. She replied that it was a mix of both, and said she just needed to be able to count on me being there at 1:45 for the rehearsal and 12 for the wedding. When I didn't respond for a few hours (due to, you know, being at work), she sent another text with question marks. When I finally saw her texts, I replied back apologizing for being in a meeting and not seeing her texts, and let her know that I'd be there for the rehearsal and I was still trying to figure out the wedding day since I had meetings/work stuff til 3 but I was working on moving the deadlines. Her exact response was "You have meetings the day of the wedding?!" She's always known about my job, so I was pretty taken aback. However, after taking the night to chill out (and remind myself that she must be very stressed), I simply reminded her that my office is open on Fridays so I work on Fridays and usually have meetings and such scheduled throughout the day, but I had definitely planned (prior to her recent text) on leaving by 4 so I'd have plenty of time to make it to the venue. She replied that I'd known about the date all year so she was surprised I'd have any meetings scheduled at all that day, and stated that pictures were going to be taken at 330 and she'd already sent the group text requiring us to be there by 12 for hair and makeup. At that point, it was T-minus 11 days til the wedding, but it was the very first time I was hearing anything about pictures being taken at 330. I stopped what I was doing at work and started googling 'what to do when your friend is becoming a bridezilla' lol. After reading for awhile, the general trend in advice seemed to be that I remember how stressed out she is and therefore be as patient, calm, and reassuring as possible with her. I saw a few suggestions about just backing out of the wedding, but I very much cared for her and wanted to be there for her so that was a non-option. I got another meeting moved so I could leave by 2, and texted Angie that I loved her and knew she was very stressed and I was trying to avoid adding to it, and that I had been and would keep doing my best to move things so I could be there by noon like she wanted.

The next day, late afternoon, I got a long text from her. She said she'd been thinking and had decided it would be better if I wasn't a bridesmaid, because I have "a lot going on" and she "need[s] assurance the day of that [I'll] be there" but she "ha[d]n't gotten that from [me]." She took care to swear that she wasn't angry, she was just doing this because "it's better for both of us" and it would ensure that "we're both not stressed the day of" because she "want[s the wedding] to be a blast!" She tried to reassure me that we'd have so much fun at the reception and that she loved me and hoped I'd understand. I gave it a night for us to both cool off, then texted her the next morning. I told her I figured I'd give her a little more time to think, and if she said yes I'd let her be, but before I cancelled my dress, attempted to return my shoes, and tried to reschedule the things I'd already moved to be at the rehearsal/early wedding prep, I wanted to make sure she was positive about kicking me out of her wedding party. She immediately texted me back that she loved me but I "ha[d]n't been to anything for this wedding....except for a little bit at the bachelorette," that I've been "MIA throughout it all," and that I'd "said the day of the wedding isn't even a guarantee for [me] to be there before we take our photos!!" It seems that my job made her "feel like [the wedding] isn't a priority for [me]." Again, because she knows I "have a lot going on," she thinks my not being a bridesmaid anymore "would be easier and neither of us will have to stress over it." 

Suffice it to say, that was my breaking point. I called her the next evening but she didn't answer again, so I left her a voicemail letting her know that I had a lot to say but I didn't think she'd be in the proper frame of mind to hear it, but I did want to clear up the apparent confusion by clarifying that I would have been at the venue by 2 at the latest so I would have had plenty of time before pictures were being taken. I told her I hoped the potential gap in time between when she wanted me and the latest time at which I might arrive was worth not having me there because I would not be attending anymore, since my presence was clearly too stressful for her, but I hoped she had a beautiful wedding and I wished her and her fiance all the best.


Tl;dr - despite her knowing about some pretty heavy stuff going on in my life, my (former) best friend has kicked me out as her BM because I missed her bridal shower/hadn't planned on arriving 6 hours early for the wedding (though I was working on arranging my schedule so I could). I'm curious about thoughts regarding what to do the day of the wedding (it's on Friday). It's been a week and I haven't heard from her at all, so I've finally gone ahead and cancelled my dress and shoes. My mom suggested I print the receipt for my dress since I won't be getting my money back, and send it with a note saying it was my gift to her in lieu of a financial contribution to her much-touted honeymoon fund (my mom has a bit of a temper). That's obviously not an option, but do I just do nothing? I'm clearly not going to the wedding and at this point do not foresee us being friends again due to how shitty she's been. However, I do still care about her and I know part of this is my fault as despite my best efforts I haven't been the best BM throughout. I still have her bridal shower present, so I'm wondering if I maybe just mail that to the venue or to her house? Or do I send a card? Or that plus a card? Or maybe just a 'wishing you a wonderful wedding day' text? Thoughts??  

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Re: BM Kicked Out Last Week, Wedding Is Friday - Say/Do Anything? (XP)

  • Geez.

    Were there times where you said you'd try to be there and didn't make it? Sure. But showers and bach parties are optional, you had a lot going on, and she knew you had a lot going on.

    Her being incredulous about your having meetings on Friday just makes me roll my eyes.
    Yes... you knew her wedding was Friday for a year.... you knew her wedding was in the EVENING on Friday for a year.... Not that you'd suddenly be expected to take two half days.
    And SHE has to know that Friday weddings are often highly inconvenient for guests and bridal party.
    A meeting isn't just something you scheduled for yourself to do on the day of the wedding. Several people are involved.

    Also... her making people take off from the work day for her rehearsal and then not paying to feed them after? So tacky.


    It sounds like you handled this well. Just back away. Hopefully she realizes that she was a brat and contacts you to save the friendship.
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueenssparklepants41wink0erin
  • I'd text her a link to this post so she can see everyone saying what a horrible person she is, but I guess I have a bit of a temper too.

    I can not fathom what a selfish monster a person has to be to not be understanding of all the various extremely serious concerns you have going on in your life. The way she's treated you is unforgivable and you are well rid of her. If she miraculously wakes up one day, realizes she has been a horrible bridezilla and grovels for your forgiveness I'm not even sure I'd be able to get over what she's done in your shoes. Who needs friends who treat them this way over essentially missing some parties and shopping trips?
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensaj051416
  • Wow - I don't post often but oh my goodness! Run, very quickly in the other direction from this woman!

    Have a fun date night with your boyfriend instead of going to the wedding and return any and all gifts. If you're feeling nice, I would send a card and probably leave the relationship at that. 

    You are within your rights to ask her for the money for the dress -whether you want to do that depends on the level of further drama you want from her. Personally, I wouldn't because I doubt the drama would be worth it but others might feel differently. 

    I can't believe that she seems to have forgotten that you are in the process of divorcing an abusive spouse!!
    JediElizabeth
  • You do nothing except thank your lucky stars that you no longer have to deal with this toxic selfish mess of a person.  I am sorry, but planning a dinner party (cause that's essentially what wedding planning is) is not THAT stressful, nor should it be used as an excuse for treating people you care about like shit.

    I am normally in favor of being the bigger person and at least extending a token of goodwill, even if you know at the same time this really is the end of it, but nope.  At a certain point doing that is basically just asking her to kick you some more.  Don't do that to yourself.  Just walk away and be done.
    monkeysipPrettyGirlLostYogaSandy
  • Hi all,

    Thank you sooo much for taking the time to read my ridiculously long-winded post! I very much appreciate all the advice, support, and input. I'm still feeling pretty conflicted, largely because I cross-posted this earlier on a different site (couldn't get the Knot post option to work at first) and have gotten a massive amount of responses saying this was chiefly my fault. I guess having all this stuff going on meant I should've stepped down as a BM because I couldn't devote myself properly to the bride (???) and I overreacted/threw away the friendship when I said I wasn't going to the wedding, so I should make it up to her by going to the wedding or at least trying to reach out after the wedding. So....apparently there are pretty mixed reactions. 
  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Hi all,

    Thank you sooo much for taking the time to read my ridiculously long-winded post! I very much appreciate all the advice, support, and input. I'm still feeling pretty conflicted, largely because I cross-posted this earlier on a different site (couldn't get the Knot post option to work at first) and have gotten a massive amount of responses saying this was chiefly my fault. I guess having all this stuff going on meant I should've stepped down as a BM because I couldn't devote myself properly to the bride (???) and I overreacted/threw away the friendship when I said I wasn't going to the wedding, so I should make it up to her by going to the wedding or at least trying to reach out after the wedding. So....apparently there are pretty mixed reactions. 
    Nope.  Nope nope nope.  Nope. 

    I realize bridesmaid has the word maid baked right into the title, but it's not supposed to be literal.  Your only responsibility was to buy the attire and show up for pictures and to walk down the aisle.  That's it.  You're not her employee.  You were not expected to put your life on hold or rearrange your life for her wedding beyond those three things and you were working on the last two (at the last minute because she apparently sucks at planning, communicating, or both and didn't give you notice).  Her selecting you for the wedding party is supposed to be about HER honoring YOU and your friendship together because she wants you beside her as she vows her life to her new spouse.  It is not about you "devoting" yourself to her.  It is in no way your fault that she's too myopic to see beyond her own wedding.

    (ETA:  I will give her the benefit of the doubt that in some of those scenarios, when you didn't communicate in a timely manner, it absolutely would have given the reasonable person the impression that you were flaking out and/or didn't care.  To that extent, it can be understandable why she was upset at certain points.  But a reasonable person who cared about their friend and their friendship would have also understood once you were able to be in a position to communicate.  A reasonable person would have been disappointed and frustrated with the situation, but ultimately realized what was really important.  Unfortunately, it turns out you aren't that important to her, at least not as important as the perfect manicure and pajama time.)
    JediElizabeth[Deleted User]huskypuppy14wink0erin
  • image
    (how did you know?!?!?!)
    PrettyGirlLostOliveOilsMomwink0erin
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Congratulations!  Your "friendship" is over.  Your obligations to her are ended.  You can now get on with your real life and make new friends who actually care something about you.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    PrettyGirlLostdowntondiva
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Kick this girl to the curb. You don't need a friend like this. 

    image

    PrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Hi all,

    Thank you sooo much for taking the time to read my ridiculously long-winded post! I very much appreciate all the advice, support, and input. I'm still feeling pretty conflicted, largely because I cross-posted this earlier on a different site (couldn't get the Knot post option to work at first) and have gotten a massive amount of responses saying this was chiefly my fault. I guess having all this stuff going on meant I should've stepped down as a BM because I couldn't devote myself properly to the bride (???) and I overreacted/threw away the friendship when I said I wasn't going to the wedding, so I should make it up to her by going to the wedding or at least trying to reach out after the wedding. So....apparently there are pretty mixed reactions. 
    Let me guess. . . you cross posted to Wedding Wire or Wedding Bee?

    Yeah, those are not sites that are going to give you good, objective advice on issues like yours.  Those sites tend to attract more of the brides that are similar to your friend. . . people who are totally self absorbed with their own weddings and who totally misunderstand the role of wedding parties, the point of the reception, etc.

    So take whatever "advice" they are giving you, and do the exact opposite!  Or better yet, ignore them completely and just go with what we are telling you ;-)

    Return the gift and use the money to throw yourself a "Fuck that Noise" party to celebrate your divorce from this shitty friend and your terrible ex.  Don't contact the bride again unless you feel the need to get some things off your chest and want to tell her personally that it's over and why, lol.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    YogaSandy
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2015
    lyndausvi said:
    I will admit I would have been getting annoyed at your backing out, not showing or show up very late multiple times.   Not because as BM you are required to be there, but as a friend I would question you are always cancelling on me last minute?  And then once you actually talked to your friend and found out her father was hospitalized, she was going through a divorce, etc?  You'd probably be very sympathetic and not annoyed any longer, unlike the bride in the OP.  The fact those events were wedding related would not be a factor.  I would wonder if our relationship might be running it's natural course. It happens, no hard feelings.

    I have been in many, many weddings in my life.  I'm missed a lot of b-parties and showers.  Missed on rehearsal too.  NBD (although they were all know well in advance).

      However, I'm one that thinks that getting ready on the day off is kind-of part of the deal.   I pretty much expect to be needed for pictures a good 3-4 hours before hand.  I disagree on this one.  If a bride wants getting ready pics of herself, there's no reason that I as a BM need to be there for that.  I only need to be on time at the ceremony to walk down the aisle, right?  I don't want to get dressed with a bunch of other women to begin with- I like to have my own space and to dress at my own pace, and I really don't want to be photographed while doing it.  Thankfully, none of the weddings I have ever been in has "required" this crap. It has all been optional, so I just show up already dressed.  IDK, it kind-of goes with the territory.   And yes I get weddings on Fridays suck for people who can't get the time off, but again it's kind-of what I agree to when asked to be a BM at a work day night.    I'm not sure what time the wedding is but 4pm on a Friday seems to be pushing it.  Traffic, getting ready, your own track record of not being able to get out on time. Let's face it, you are a lawyer, 4 pm can turn into 6pm at a blink of an eye.


    That said, I'm very laid back and would never kick a BM out for any of those reasons.  I would just go with the flow.  Especially if it's known in advance.  I would be more annoyed if once again something else popped up and you were late or just didn't show.  It would be disappointed, but such as life.  If the BM misses being in pictures so be it.    I don't need all my BM's eyes on me getting ready.  I like my friends and try to be understanding that they have other shit going on.


     Enjoy the night off with your BF.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • lyndausvi said:

      However, I'm one that thinks that getting ready on the day off is kind-of part of the deal.   I pretty much expect to be needed for pictures a good 3-4 hours before hand.     IDK, it kind-of goes with the territory.   And yes I get weddings on Fridays suck for people who can't get the time off, but again it's kind-of what I agree to when asked to be a BM at a work day night.    I'm not sure what time the wedding is but 4pm on a Friday seems to be pushing it.  Traffic, getting ready, your own track record of not being able to get out on time. Let's face it, you are a lawyer, 4 pm can turn into 6pm at a blink of an eye.

    The bride really should have communicated that pictures (I assume actual wedding party pictures and not stupid getting ready pictures) would be before the wedding, long ago. The average wedding, formal pictures happen after the ceremony. There are exceptions, but I don't think OP should be faulted for assuming this Friday wedding wasn't one of them without being previously told.
    And to the rest... unless the bridesmaid scheduled an appointment with the bride's hair stylist or makeup artist or made some other commitment to be there before the wedding, then no, she was not required to get there early to "get ready." Only obligation was to show up to ceremony on time.

    If bride had given more notice about the day's schedule then maybe... but since she didn't, nope, she has no claim to an extra 6 hours of "getting ready" time on a Friday.
    PrettyGirlLostYogaSandy
  • edited October 2015
    I read majority of your post and skimmed the responses once I saw the answers. 

    Yes your life sucks. It really does. Not being able to come to events, or having the finances is understandable and she should be supportive. 

    BUT I can understand why hearing that you didn't book the day of the wedding off would be upsetting. She can't be there for you all the time right now because honestly its her wedding time and she will be focused on her. That she didn't ask you not to until after most of these things happened and she gave you lots of leeway sounds like she was trying - as were you. 

    Maybe I read the last bit wrong, but it seemed like she just wanted you at the wedding but not a bridemaid - there are lots of things the day of you want bridesmaids around for. 

    I think your text back is harsh and should have just been "i understand I will see you there later :)

    Reading this, I think that you both tried but in the end, its not about not wanting you there. Its about her needing something that you cant give and she obviously still wanted your friendship and you at the wedding and personally I think that you are the one who was the bad friend (for your response to being uninvited and not to how you acted throughout the process as that was all understandable)

    Your "breaking point" is selfish and most brides would have broken ages ago. Yes the cost of the dress sucks, but you could have asked if it was alright to still wear the dress to the wedding since you couldnt afford a new one - not lashing out.
  • I read majority of your post and skimmed the responses once I saw the answers. 

    Yes your life sucks. It really does. Not being able to come to events, or having the finances is understandable and she should be supportive. 

    BUT I can understand why hearing that you didn't book the day of the wedding off would be upsetting. She can't be there for you all the time right now because honestly its her wedding time and she will be focused on her. That she didn't ask you not to until after most of these things happened and she gave you lots of leeway sounds like she was trying - as were you. 

    Maybe I read the last bit wrong, but it seemed like she just wanted you at the wedding but not a bridemaid - there are lots of things the day of you want bridesmaids around for. 

    I think your text back is harsh and should have just been "i understand I will see you there later :)

    Reading this, I think that you both tried but in the end, its not about not wanting you there. Its about her needing something that you cant give and she obviously still wanted your friendship and you at the wedding and personally I think that you are the one who was the bad friend (for your response to being uninvited and not to how you acted throughout the process as that was all understandable)

    Your "breaking point" is selfish and most brides would have broken ages ago. Yes the cost of the dress sucks, but you could have asked if it was alright to still wear the dress to the wedding since you couldnt afford a new one - not lashing out.
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    Heffalump
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    aurianna said:
    I read majority of your post and skimmed the responses once I saw the answers. 

    Yes your life sucks. It really does. Not being able to come to events, or having the finances is understandable and she should be supportive. 

    BUT I can understand why hearing that you didn't book the day of the wedding off would be upsetting. She can't be there for you all the time right now because honestly its her wedding time and she will be focused on her. That she didn't ask you not to until after most of these things happened and she gave you lots of leeway sounds like she was trying - as were you. 

    Maybe I read the last bit wrong, but it seemed like she just wanted you at the wedding but not a bridemaid - there are lots of things the day of you want bridesmaids around for. 

    I think your text back is harsh and should have just been "i understand I will see you there later :)

    Reading this, I think that you both tried but in the end, its not about not wanting you there. Its about her needing something that you cant give and she obviously still wanted your friendship and you at the wedding and personally I think that you are the one who was the bad friend (for your response to being uninvited and not to how you acted throughout the process as that was all understandable)

    Your "breaking point" is selfish and most brides would have broken ages ago. Yes the cost of the dress sucks, but you could have asked if it was alright to still wear the dress to the wedding since you couldnt afford a new one - not lashing out.

    Yeah. No.

    A bride doesn't get to assume and be hurt if someone doesn't take off a whole day of work for a wedding that isn't until 6.

    I didn't even take off until 4pm on Friday the day of my own 6pm wedding rehearsal and I told my out of town wedding party if they couldn't make it to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner to just let me know.

    And the whole "she still wants you as a friend but..."
    Nope. Kicking someone out of a wedding is a friendship ending move. You are honestly telling your friend that your wedding vision is more important to you than the friend is. That's the message a bride is willing to send by kicking someone out. It is what it is. Own it.

    The bride can want more from her bridal party the day of the wedding until the cows come home. It doesn't mean she's entitled to it or should expect it.


    Bride pretty much said this:
    "Friend, your divorce, job and sick father are irrelevant. I feel like you didn't do enough fawning all over me and my pretty princess day. That fact that your law firm and/or clients weren't willing to put their Friday on hold so you could show up to my wedding 6 hours early and hang out in pajamas tells me that you aren't good enough to stand up next to me."

    I'm pretty sure OPs response was VERY appropriate for this situation.
    Yeah, "getting ready" as a BM doesn't take 6 fucking hours. . . ever.  I've been a BM over 10 times, and it took a grand total of two hours each time for me to have my hair done professionally (I have long hair and can't do my own fancy up do's), get my make up professionally done, and then put my dress on.

    You know what DOES take 6 hours?  Sitting around all day, waiting for your turn to have your hair and make up done.  And that's just an unnecessary waste of everyone's time.

    I don't believe that "getting ready" is a requirement of a BM.  Being there prior to the ceremony to take certain photos?  Sure.  That's pretty common in my experience with the Catholic weddings I have been in; The bride and BMs take a set of portraits pre ceremony while the Groom and his GM's do the same. 

    But even if I choose to get my hair done by the same stylist or at the same salon as other people in the WP, I'm not going to sit around for hours waiting for my turn.  I don't show up to the salon 6 hours prior to an appointment on a normal day, I don't need to do it just because I'm in a wedding.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    MGP
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    lyndausvi said:
    I will admit I would have been getting annoyed at your backing out, not showing or show up very late multiple times.   Not because as BM you are required to be there, but as a friend I would question you are always cancelling on me last minute?  And then once you actually talked to your friend and found out her father was hospitalized, she was going through a divorce, etc?  You'd probably be very sympathetic and not annoyed any longer, unlike the bride in the OP.  The fact those events were wedding related would not be a factor.  I would wonder if our relationship might be running it's natural course. It happens, no hard feelings.

    I have been in many, many weddings in my life.  I'm missed a lot of b-parties and showers.  Missed on rehearsal too.  NBD (although they were all know well in advance).

      However, I'm one that thinks that getting ready on the day off is kind-of part of the deal.   I pretty much expect to be needed for pictures a good 3-4 hours before hand.  I disagree on this one.  If a bride wants getting ready pics of herself, there's no reason that I as a BM need to be there for that.  I only need to be on time at the ceremony to walk down the aisle, right?  I don't want to get dressed with a bunch of other women to begin with- I like to have my own space and to dress at my own pace, and I really don't want to be photographed while doing it.  Thankfully, none of the weddings I have ever been in has "required" this crap. It has all been optional, so I just show up already dressed.  IDK, it kind-of goes with the territory.   And yes I get weddings on Fridays suck for people who can't get the time off, but again it's kind-of what I agree to when asked to be a BM at a work day night.    I'm not sure what time the wedding is but 4pm on a Friday seems to be pushing it.  Traffic, getting ready, your own track record of not being able to get out on time. Let's face it, you are a lawyer, 4 pm can turn into 6pm at a blink of an eye.


    That said, I'm very laid back and would never kick a BM out for any of those reasons.  I would just go with the flow.  Especially if it's known in advance.  I would be more annoyed if once again something else popped up and you were late or just didn't show.  It would be disappointed, but such as life.  If the BM misses being in pictures so be it.    I don't need all my BM's eyes on me getting ready.  I like my friends and try to be understanding that they have other shit going on.


     Enjoy the night off with your BF.



    I agree with your points PGL. Getting ready pictures are stupid as hell and not needed. But, many people do wedding pictures before the ceremony with the bridal party(I did) so she would be needed for that, not for getting ready pictures. 

    There is no reason the OP had to be there at noon to lounge around in pajamas, but I do agree leaving work at 4pm for a 6pm wedding that you are a bridesmaid in is cutting it way too close.
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    simcal18lc07charlotte989875
  • I read majority of your post and skimmed the responses once I saw the answers. 

    Yes your life sucks. It really does. Not being able to come to events, or having the finances is understandable and she should be supportive. 

    BUT I can understand why hearing that you didn't book the day of the wedding off would be upsetting. She can't be there for you all the time right now because honestly its her wedding time and she will be focused on her. That she didn't ask you not to until after most of these things happened and she gave you lots of leeway sounds like she was trying - as were you. 

    Maybe I read the last bit wrong, but it seemed like she just wanted you at the wedding but not a bridemaid - there are lots of things the day of you want bridesmaids around for. 

    I think your text back is harsh and should have just been "i understand I will see you there later :)

    Reading this, I think that you both tried but in the end, its not about not wanting you there. Its about her needing something that you cant give and she obviously still wanted your friendship and you at the wedding and personally I think that you are the one who was the bad friend (for your response to being uninvited and not to how you acted throughout the process as that was all understandable)

    Your "breaking point" is selfish and most brides would have broken ages ago. Yes the cost of the dress sucks, but you could have asked if it was alright to still wear the dress to the wedding since you couldnt afford a new one - not lashing out.
    Wow, you are just full of craptastic advice. 

    So, I was in a wedding once where the bride expected me to take the rehearsal dinner day and the day after her wedding off. I worked in a bar at the time and had already taken a Saturday off for her (big money night). Suffice it to say, our friendship does not stand to this day. 

    OP I'm sorry for what you are going through. You have gotten some great advice from everyone. 
    PrettyGirlLostJediElizabethInLoveInQueens
  • lyndausvi said:
    I will admit I would have been getting annoyed at your backing out, not showing or show up very late multiple times.   Not because as BM you are required to be there, but as a friend I would question you are always cancelling on me last minute?  And then once you actually talked to your friend and found out her father was hospitalized, she was going through a divorce, etc?  You'd probably be very sympathetic and not annoyed any longer, unlike the bride in the OP.  The fact those events were wedding related would not be a factor.  I would wonder if our relationship might be running it's natural course. It happens, no hard feelings.

    I have been in many, many weddings in my life.  I'm missed a lot of b-parties and showers.  Missed on rehearsal too.  NBD (although they were all know well in advance).

      However, I'm one that thinks that getting ready on the day off is kind-of part of the deal.   I pretty much expect to be needed for pictures a good 3-4 hours before hand.  I disagree on this one.  If a bride wants getting ready pics of herself, there's no reason that I as a BM need to be there for that.  I only need to be on time at the ceremony to walk down the aisle, right?  I don't want to get dressed with a bunch of other women to begin with- I like to have my own space and to dress at my own pace, and I really don't want to be photographed while doing it.  Thankfully, none of the weddings I have ever been in has "required" this crap. It has all been optional, so I just show up already dressed.  IDK, it kind-of goes with the territory.   And yes I get weddings on Fridays suck for people who can't get the time off, but again it's kind-of what I agree to when asked to be a BM at a work day night.    I'm not sure what time the wedding is but 4pm on a Friday seems to be pushing it.  Traffic, getting ready, your own track record of not being able to get out on time. Let's face it, you are a lawyer, 4 pm can turn into 6pm at a blink of an eye.


    That said, I'm very laid back and would never kick a BM out for any of those reasons.  I would just go with the flow.  Especially if it's known in advance.  I would be more annoyed if once again something else popped up and you were late or just didn't show.  It would be disappointed, but such as life.  If the BM misses being in pictures so be it.    I don't need all my BM's eyes on me getting ready.  I like my friends and try to be understanding that they have other shit going on.


     Enjoy the night off with your BF.



    I agree with your points PGL. Getting ready pictures are stupid as hell and not needed. But, many people do wedding pictures before the ceremony with the bridal party(I did) so she would be needed for that, not for getting ready pictures. 

    There is no reason the OP had to be there at noon to lounge around in pajamas, but I do agree leaving work at 4pm for a 6pm wedding that you are a bridesmaid in is cutting it way too close.

    This is totally my fault for not making it clear in my original post (wrote half a novel yet still managed to leave details out!), but prior to Angie's text several weeks ago, the BMs were going to be responsible for their own hair and make-up. I'd planned on getting both done early prior to going in to work, so at 4 all I'd need to do was head over to the venue (15-30 minute drive depending on traffic), put on my dress, and spend the rest of the time pumping Angie up. There was a method to my madness, I swear! 

    That's part of the reason why I feel bad though - I've been a BM twice before and a MOH once and none of those brides did any pre-ceremony pictures (nor did I when I got married), so I assumed Angie wasn't going to either since nothing had been said about photos. But you know what they say about assuming.... 
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