Sorry, just a forewarning, this is suuuuuper long (although still cut down from what I originally wrote, haha). Mostly I just needed to get stuff off my chest, so feel free to skip to the last paragraph for my actual question.
Angie and I have been very close for over a decade; she was one of my bridesmaids in 2009. When she got engaged two years ago, she told me she wanted me to be a BM (and did an official BM proposal thing a year ago). For the past two years, she and I have talked over wedding stuff on numerous occasions, and I've sent her wedding articles and such (like all those Buzzfeed pages with creative ideas) every time I've come across them. She asked me to go look at venues with her and while I wasn't able to due to work/school/other obligations, I went over venue options with her and attended nearly all of her wedding dress shopping back in February (missed the first store but went to the other 4 with her). I've tried to be very patient and helpful since her mom is a little distracted and nearly all of her eight other BMs have never been married. Starting in February this year, things have been super rough for me. I studied and sat for the bar exam while still working full-time, separated from my husband, found out I passed my exam (and consequently began taking on even greater responsibility at work), had a ton of drama with my soon-to-be-ex husband (domestic abuse issues/restraining orders/finally filing for divorce/alimony fights/etc), started seeing someone new, and dealt with my favorite auntie passing away. All of this has been on top of my job as an attorney (insane amount of hours, particularly the past two months) as well as trying to sort things out for my dad, who got severely injured two and a half years ago but still hasn't recovered despite several surgeries and who I am trying to help get surgeries/financial recovery/some sort of relief from the massive amounts of pain he's in all the time.
Angie is more or less aware of everything I am going through. I took her out to dinner in June and told her briefly about the divorce-related things, though I spent most of the time listening and giving advice while she vented about wedding/family stuff. Then she and I hung out at the end of July and I broke down crying about my ex. She let me vent, then asked if I'd gotten my shoes and dress yet. I said no and apologized; she offered to help by ordering my dress and/or shoes for me if I just gave her my CC number to place the order. I felt bad putting that on her so I said no I'll take care of it but thank you (and then ordered my dress and shoes soon after). I also apologized for not checking in on her/being around as much due to everything going on, and she said it was fine. She did ask if I would make it up to her by going to a business mixer her fiance was throwing in a week; I already had a prior commitment that night but I felt bad so I said yes I'd go for as long as I could, and went for an hour before I had to leave.
Angie's bachelorette party was mid-August. Her MOH (who is also her future SIL) texted all of us bridesmaids that though the party would be in town, she wanted to do hotel rooms so we each owed her $200. Between the divorce and helping my family, money is a little tight for me right now so I declined staying in the hotel but told the MOH several times I'd be in attendance at the party, and texted her about some cute buttons and sashes and things I'd bought for everyone for the big night. A week before the party, the MOH texted me the official invite; as it turned out, the bachelorette party had turned into a bachelorette weekend, with dinner/barhopping downtown starting at 830 Friday, lounging by the pool all day Saturday, and dinner/dancing starting at 830 Saturday night. I was pretty caught off guard (and a little worried about how I was going to make it to everything), but told the MOH the invite looked great.
The Friday of the party, Angie texted me at 6 asking why I wasn't coming to her bachelorette weekend; apparently the MOH told her I hadn't confirmed to anything. I sent Angie screen shots of all my texts to the MOH saying I would be there for all the evening events. Angie just responded that everyone was meeting at the hotel already. I was surprised they were all meeting beforehand and so early; I'd planned on working til 8 and then leaving to go downtown for dinner. I told her I was still at work but I'd be there for dinner. She said ok dinner's at 730 see you soon. I was REALLY surprised by that, and reminded her the invite had said 830 so I was definitely going to be late. She did not respond, so when I got downtown (admittedly quite late, since by the time I finished what I needed to do for work and drove there and found parking it was already 10) I texted the MOH instead and asked which bar they were at. She replied that they were not downtown barhopping but rather about to go into a stripper show, for which they had apparently gotten tickets (but forgotten to tell me about). I was surprised again and knew there was no way for me to make it and join them even if tickets were still available, so I said ok and asked where they were going after. MOH said she would let me know; I said thanks, but never heard from her the rest of the night. Needless to say, I was pretty perturbed - the next day I texted Angie and let her know I'd gotten incomplete information and asked what the plan was for the day. She confirmed that the invite was correct re Saturday details. Unfortunately, I got caught up with divorce-related things all day, and was again running late for dinner. I texted Angie apologizing and letting her know I was running late. I got to the hotel about an hour late; I still hadn't heard from Angie (who also didn't answer my calls), but I hung around for about an hour before I finally heard from the MOH and met up with everyone. I handed out all the fun things I'd brought, Angie/the other BMs were very delighted and excited, and we went off to go dancing. About half the bridesmaids disappeared when we got there but I stuck by Angie the whole night and paid for her entry/bought her shots/held her purse in the bathroom/took pictures for her/etc. We were out extremely late, but it seemed like Angie had a great time, and she and I even had a chance to chat a little bit while waiting in lines.
About a week later, Angie texted me apologizing for being consumed with the wedding and asked how my dad was doing. I said I completely understood and gave her a quick update. She texted me again a few days later and asked if I was doing anything for my birthday the next day, but I told her I was too depressed to do anything. She called me on my birthday the next morning; I had a rare free moment at work so I chatted with her for about 45 minutes. She asked about dropping off my birthday gift and I told her to just call me whenever she was free. I didn't hear from her til a few days into September, when she texted me saying she hoped I'd had a good birthday and she wanted to give me my gift but she would be working late all week, so she wanted to know if I'd be available the following week. I thanked her and told her the following week was pretty open so just let me know when she was free.
I didn't hear from Angie again for a week, when she texted apologizing for not calling to get together and asking if I was going to be at her bridal shower that was in four days. Unfortunately, during the week's lull since I'd last texted her, things had gone catastrophic with my dad (who we were informed was about to be paralyzed if we didn't get his surgery done soon), my ex, my boyfriend, and work. I was incredibly stressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed beyond belief. I told myself to remember to call her when I got done with work, and then....completely forgot. She texted me two days later with a '??' and then texted me again the morning of the day of her bridal shower saying she hoped I'd be there and she'd bring my birthday gift just in case. I finally texted her back and apologized, letting her know I was having a really rough week and dealing with a lot of stuff, and told her I would be there that afternoon. Angie didn't respond. I went and picked up her bridal shower gift but then got caught up with taking my dad to further doctor appointments, and I ended up missing her shower. I had to be the one to take my dad to his appointments and was an incredible mess once I was finally done with all his stuff (it's such a horrible thing watching your formerly tough-as-nails dad laying on an examining table crying from all the pain) but I felt terrible about missing her shower. I called her a couple days later, but she sent me straight to voicemail so I left her a long voicemail apologizing profusely and letting her know about what was going on. Angie never called me back.
A week later, with about 3 1/2 weeks to go before the wedding, Angie sent a group text to all the bridesmaids. Up til then Angie hadn't said anything about times for reheasal/wedding day, but the wedding website she created had the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner set for Thursday at 6 pm and the wedding the following day at 6 pm. I usually work until well past 6 or 7 most nights, but I'd arranged to leave work at 5 the day of the rehearsal, and at 4 the day of the wedding. However, in the group text, Angie informed us that due to another wedding, the rehearsal would be during the day now and we needed to be at the venue by 1:45. Angie also said she decided a rehearsal dinner would be too stressful for her the day before the wedding, so instead she wanted everyone to go to a restaurant across the street after the rehearsal was done to buy our own late lunches and sit around talking about the next day. Then Angie dropped the real bombshell: she wanted all of us to arrive by noon the day of the wedding. She also went into extensive detail about the condition she wanted us to arrive in (basically, specific nail polish color, no makeup/hair products, and wearing PJs "to lounge" for awhile). I started freaking out, because I hadn't anticipated needing to take so much time off (especially on top of all the time I've already been and will need to continue taking off for my personal stuff), and I already had a number of work things scheduled for those two days. However, I realized there were more important things to worry about and I would just figure it out somehow. I arranged to take off for a few hours during the day for the Thursday rehearsal and I got one meeting moved so that I could leave by at least 3 on Friday.
I had 'figure out how to leave by noon on Friday' on my list of things to do when Angie finally texted me during the early afternoon at the beginning of last week. She said she hoped things were going well, noted we hadn't talked in awhile (big surprise, she never returned my call or texts), and asked whether I was bringing my ex or my boyfriend to the wedding. I was surprised by her question since I'd already asked her awhile back whether she was comfortable with me bringing my boyfriend instead of my ex, and when she said she was totally fine with that I'd gone ahead and RSVP'd for my boyfriend and I. So I told her I wasn't sure if she was mad or just busy with wedding stuff so I'd been giving her her space, and reminded her I was bringing my boyfriend. She replied that it was a mix of both, and said she just needed to be able to count on me being there at 1:45 for the rehearsal and 12 for the wedding. When I didn't respond for a few hours (due to, you know, being at work), she sent another text with question marks. When I finally saw her texts, I replied back apologizing for being in a meeting and not seeing her texts, and let her know that I'd be there for the rehearsal and I was still trying to figure out the wedding day since I had meetings/work stuff til 3 but I was working on moving the deadlines. Her exact response was "You have meetings the day of the wedding?!" She's always known about my job, so I was pretty taken aback. However, after taking the night to chill out (and remind myself that she must be very stressed), I simply reminded her that my office is open on Fridays so I work on Fridays and usually have meetings and such scheduled throughout the day, but I had definitely planned (prior to her recent text) on leaving by 4 so I'd have plenty of time to make it to the venue. She replied that I'd known about the date all year so she was surprised I'd have any meetings scheduled at all that day, and stated that pictures were going to be taken at 330 and she'd already sent the group text requiring us to be there by 12 for hair and makeup. At that point, it was T-minus 11 days til the wedding, but it was the very first time I was hearing anything about pictures being taken at 330. I stopped what I was doing at work and started googling 'what to do when your friend is becoming a bridezilla' lol. After reading for awhile, the general trend in advice seemed to be that I remember how stressed out she is and therefore be as patient, calm, and reassuring as possible with her. I saw a few suggestions about just backing out of the wedding, but I very much cared for her and wanted to be there for her so that was a non-option. I got another meeting moved so I could leave by 2, and texted Angie that I loved her and knew she was very stressed and I was trying to avoid adding to it, and that I had been and would keep doing my best to move things so I could be there by noon like she wanted.
The next day, late afternoon, I got a long text from her. She said she'd been thinking and had decided it would be better if I wasn't a bridesmaid, because I have "a lot going on" and she "need[s] assurance the day of that [I'll] be there" but she "ha[d]n't gotten that from [me]." She took care to swear that she wasn't angry, she was just doing this because "it's better for both of us" and it would ensure that "we're both not stressed the day of" because she "want[s the wedding] to be a blast!" She tried to reassure me that we'd have so much fun at the reception and that she loved me and hoped I'd understand. I gave it a night for us to both cool off, then texted her the next morning. I told her I figured I'd give her a little more time to think, and if she said yes I'd let her be, but before I cancelled my dress, attempted to return my shoes, and tried to reschedule the things I'd already moved to be at the rehearsal/early wedding prep, I wanted to make sure she was positive about kicking me out of her wedding party. She immediately texted me back that she loved me but I "ha[d]n't been to anything for this wedding....except for a little bit at the bachelorette," that I've been "MIA throughout it all," and that I'd "said the day of the wedding isn't even a guarantee for [me] to be there before we take our photos!!" It seems that my job made her "feel like [the wedding] isn't a priority for [me]." Again, because she knows I "have a lot going on," she thinks my not being a bridesmaid anymore "would be easier and neither of us will have to stress over it."
Suffice it to say, that was my breaking point. I called her the next evening but she didn't answer again, so I left her a voicemail letting her know that I had a lot to say but I didn't think she'd be in the proper frame of mind to hear it, but I did want to clear up the apparent confusion by clarifying that I would have been at the venue by 2 at the latest so I would have had plenty of time before pictures were being taken. I told her I hoped the potential gap in time between when she wanted me and the latest time at which I might arrive was worth not having me there because I would not be attending anymore, since my presence was clearly too stressful for her, but I hoped she had a beautiful wedding and I wished her and her fiance all the best.
Tl;dr - despite her knowing about some pretty heavy stuff going on in my life, my (former) best friend has kicked me out as her BM because I missed her bridal shower/hadn't planned on arriving 6 hours early for the wedding (though I was working on arranging my schedule so I could). I'm curious about thoughts regarding what to do the day of the wedding (it's on Friday). It's been a week and I haven't heard from her at all, so I've finally gone ahead and cancelled my dress and shoes. My mom suggested I print the receipt for my dress since I won't be getting my money back, and send it with a note saying it was my gift to her in lieu of a financial contribution to her much-touted honeymoon fund (my mom has a bit of a temper). That's obviously not an option, but do I just do nothing? I'm clearly not going to the wedding and at this point do not foresee us being friends again due to how shitty she's been. However, I do still care about her and I know part of this is my fault as despite my best efforts I haven't been the best BM throughout. I still have her bridal shower present, so I'm wondering if I maybe just mail that to the venue or to her house? Or do I send a card? Or that plus a card? Or maybe just a 'wishing you a wonderful wedding day' text? Thoughts??