Wedding Party

BM Kicked Out Last Week, Wedding Is Friday - Say/Do Anything? (XP)

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Re: BM Kicked Out Last Week, Wedding Is Friday - Say/Do Anything? (XP)

  • No.  No, no, no, no, no.  No way should a bridesmaid assume she has to take an entire day off for a 6 p.m. wedding.  I'd never have assumed that, and my husband and I wouldn't do it to our bridesmaids/groomsmen.

    Our ceremony started on a Saturday at 11:30 a.m.  We was doing a first look and pre-ceremony photos.  So I asked my bridesmaids to get to the venue by 10 a.m. for photos at 10:30.   They were welcome to come dressed and coiffed, or to get dressed/fix their hair/do their makeup in the bridal suite, whichever they preferred.  We scheduled ONE HOUR of pre-ceremony photos, and got a TON of gorgeous ones, 'cause we had a killer photog.

    Ceremony at 11:30, cocktail hour/reception started at noon.  Done.

    We also didn't do a rehearsal because the only time our venue would do it was 5 or 6 p.m. the Thursday before the wedding, and we deemed it completely unreasonable to expect our wedding party to take off from work early for our wedding.  Instead, I emailed them a quick note with the order in which they'd be walking, and that the chicks were on the left, guys on the right.  Done.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    Heffalump[Deleted User]MesmrEwemonniiauddii
  • And that's not even commenting on all the pre-wedding shit and not taking into account the really heavy stuff you were going through.  Your former friend sucks.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]MesmrEwe
  • simcal18simcal18 member
    500 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments First Answer
    edited October 2015
    lyndausvi said:
    I will admit I would have been getting annoyed at your backing out, not showing or show up very late multiple times.   Not because as BM you are required to be there, but as a friend I would question you are always cancelling on me last minute?  The fact those events were wedding related would not be a factor.  I would wonder if our relationship might be running it's natural course. It happens, no hard feelings.

    I have been in many, many weddings in my life.  I'm missed a lot of b-parties and showers.  Missed on rehearsal too.  NBD (although they were all know well in advance).

      However, I'm one that thinks that getting ready on the day off is kind-of part of the deal.   I pretty much expect to be needed for pictures a good 3-4 hours before hand.     IDK, it kind-of goes with the territory.   And yes I get weddings on Fridays suck for people who can't get the time off, but again it's kind-of what I agree to when asked to be a BM at a work day night.    I'm not sure what time the wedding is but 4pm on a Friday seems to be pushing it.  Traffic, getting ready, your own track record of not being able to get out on time. Let's face it, you are a lawyer, 4 pm can turn into 6pm at a blink of an eye.


    That said, I'm very laid back and would never kick a BM out for any of those reasons.  I would just go with the flow.  Especially if it's known in advance.  I would be more annoyed if once again something else popped up and you were late or just didn't show.  It would be disappointed, but such as life.  If the BM misses being in pictures so be it.    I don't need all my BM's eyes on me getting ready.  I like my friends and try to be understanding that they have other shit going on.


     Enjoy the night off with your BF.

    I'm with Lynda here.  Your friend has been totally unsympathetic with respect to your personal life right now and has treated you inexcusably.  That having been said, you seem to have a pretty bad track record of getting yourself to wedding-related events that you said you'd be at.  Look at things from her perspective--you've told her that you would be at multiple events that you then either showed up late at or didn't attend at all.  You may have valid reasons for that, but it's happened so often at this point that she may be wondering whether you're just making excuses for not hanging out.  Then you tell her that you're planning on leaving work at 4 for a 6 PM ceremony.  I'd never cut it nearly that close for a wedding that I was attending, let alone one that I was in, and if I were that bride and looking at your previous track record of being seriously late, I'd be questioning your judgment about how long it takes to get places and wondering if you'd be making it on time to the ceremony at all.

    I'm a lawyer too, so I get that work can get crazy, but if anything that's even more of a reason to take the whole day off--so that you don't go into the office and get sucked into something that you can't put down.  I'm also with Lynda that I think getting ready together and certainly pre-ceremony pictures are expected when you're in a wedding party.  If I were planning on trying to work that day I would have asked the bride what time she wanted me available before making any firm plans at work.  Showing up 1/2 hour before the ceremony is what I do when I'm a guest, not a bridesmaid.  

    That having been said, her behavior is still not excusable, and this friendship seems to have run its course.  I'd shift your focus to your dad, job, and new boyfriend and move on with your life.
    KatWAGSTARMOON44charlotte989875
  • aurianna said:
    But so what? Even if OP had a track record for being late to or missing pre-wedding events... so what?

    1. Those events weren't mandatory
    2. If she ended up being late to the wedding she just... wouldn't be in the wedding. Same result as the Angie's kicking her out, except it would happen without Angie's being a really crappy friend.


    ETA:
    So often we tell people that adults know how to dress / how to find their transportation / how to xyz. I think in the same vein we should assume that OP is an adult if she the thought she could make it in time to the wedding by leaving at 4, that she knows what she's doing and it's her decision.
    I'm not defending Angie's decision to kick OP out of the bridal party, because it's not defensible.  I'm just saying that I understand why she was annoyed.  It's one thing to tell someone "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to attend your bachelorette/shower/etc."  But if somebody repeatedly says that they will attend things and then they show up very late or not at all, it's natural to start wondering what's going on and to question that person's reliability.

    And yes, we generally assume that people are capable adults who can dress themselves and show up to things on time.  But as far as Angie was concerned, OP had a track record of not getting to things on time, which alters the calculus somewhat.  And leaving work at 4 PM for a 6 PM ceremony sounds to me like it's cutting it way too close regardless of how close the venue is to her office.
    STARMOON44AguaEau
  • aurianna said:
    But so what? Even if OP had a track record for being late to or missing pre-wedding events... so what?

    1. Those events weren't mandatory
    2. If she ended up being late to the wedding she just... wouldn't be in the wedding. Same result as the Angie's kicking her out, except it would happen without Angie's being a really crappy friend.


    ETA:
    So often we tell people that adults know how to dress / how to find their transportation / how to xyz. I think in the same vein we should assume that OP is an adult if she the thought she could make it in time to the wedding by leaving at 4, that she knows what she's doing and it's her decision.
    I'm not defending Angie's decision to kick OP out of the bridal party, because it's not defensible.  I'm just saying that I understand why she was annoyed.  It's one thing to tell someone "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to attend your bachelorette/shower/etc."  But if somebody repeatedly says that they will attend things and then they show up very late or not at all, it's natural to start wondering what's going on and to question that person's reliability.

    And yes, we generally assume that people are capable adults who can dress themselves and show up to things on time.  But as far as Angie was concerned, OP had a track record of not getting to things on time, which alters the calculus somewhat.  And leaving work at 4 PM for a 6 PM ceremony sounds to me like it's cutting it way too close regardless of how close the venue is to her office.

    Ugh. I really didn't realize that my tardiness/non-attendance at 3 events over a one-month period = a track record that completely erases everything I've done/been to for the preceding year and a half. :-/ 

    I'm uncertain why the focus is on my original plan of 4 pm (other than to enlighten me for future weddings? which is fine, and has been duly noted) when I specifically told Angie I could leave by at least 3 and was moving things so I could, in fact, be there by 12. I'd moved my 3 pm when I first got her group text, and had gotten a co-worker to cover my 2 pm when I got the text about being booted. 
    JediElizabethPrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    aurianna said:
    But so what? Even if OP had a track record for being late to or missing pre-wedding events... so what?

    1. Those events weren't mandatory
    2. If she ended up being late to the wedding she just... wouldn't be in the wedding. Same result as the Angie's kicking her out, except it would happen without Angie's being a really crappy friend.


    ETA:
    So often we tell people that adults know how to dress / how to find their transportation / how to xyz. I think in the same vein we should assume that OP is an adult if she the thought she could make it in time to the wedding by leaving at 4, that she knows what she's doing and it's her decision.
    Exactly. 


    aurianna said:

    I'm not defending Angie's decision to kick OP out of the bridal party, because it's not defensible.  I'm just saying that I understand why she was annoyed.  It's one thing to tell someone "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to attend your bachelorette/shower/etc."  But if somebody repeatedly says that they will attend things and then they show up very late or not at all, it's natural to start wondering what's going on and to question that person's reliability.

    The bride supposedly KNEW what was going on- her friend's father was hospitalized/has a sever chronic injury, she was going through a messy divorce that included needing restraining orders, etc.  And even if OP had been able to keep this all a secret from Angie, if you are a decent human being you reach out to your friend to find out if she's ok 1st, rather than just being annoyed.

    I understand why Angie was annoyed too. . .because she's selfish and immature and thinks that her wedding is more important to everyone in her life than anything in their own. 

    And yes, we generally assume that people are capable adults who can dress themselves and show up to things on time.  But as far as Angie was concerned, OP had a track record of not getting to things on time, which alters the calculus somewhat.  And leaving work at 4 PM for a 6 PM ceremony sounds to me like it's cutting it way too close regardless of how close the venue is to her office.

    Cutting it to close for what?!  All she had to do was put her dress on- she was going to have her hair and make up done prior to work.  Even if she was stuck in traffic for an hour, she still would have had an hour to put on a dress and touch up her hair and make up.  That sounds more than sufficient to me.   And again, so what if she misses pre ceremony pictures?  As long as she was able to walk down the aisle in time, she has fulfilled the "responsibilities" we preach here.

    Pre ceremony pictures are just one set of the hundreds of pictures that will be taken that day.  And they don't take 2.5 hours to complete.  I've been in over 10 weddings including my own, that shit took maybe an hour max, and even then we were really just killing time waiting for the ceremony to start.

    Sure be bummed out that a close friend isn't in a few pictures overall, but recognize that work is more important than wedding pictures, even if that friend is your BM.  I'd expect my friends to understand that and not value a few pictures out of hundreds over our friendship and my actual presence for the rest of the damn day, and I'd expect them to understand that I have priorities over their wedding.

    This all boils down to expectations; Angie seems to be no different than any other SS that gets on here and expects their WP and families to be as equally wrapped up in the wedding as the SS's are.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    aurianna[Deleted User]InLoveInQueensMesmrEwe

  • Ugh. I really didn't realize that my tardiness/non-attendance at 3 events over a one-month period = a track record that completely erases everything I've done/been to for the preceding year and a half. :-/ 

    I'm uncertain why the focus is on my original plan of 4 pm (other than to enlighten me for future weddings? which is fine, and has been duly noted) when I specifically told Angie I could leave by at least 3 and was moving things so I could, in fact, be there by 12. I'd moved my 3 pm when I first got her group text, and had gotten a co-worker to cover my 2 pm when I got the text about being booted. 

    I wouldn't stress about this too much either. Any events you were late to or missed you had good reasons and explained/apologized.

    Even if Angie was nervous about a "track record," it doesn't excuse what she did in anyway.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • For the record, my friend is getting married tomorrow at 7 pm and will be working until 4 pm. Not the rehearsal, the actual wedding. Granted, that really puts a crimp in pajama lounging time.

    It is not that unreasonable to think she didn't need to be there very early, especially if no one bothered to communicate that. I myself would probably put in a half day at least if not otherwise told. Granted, 4 pm for a 6 pm wedding is cutting it close, but still...it's not unheard of.
  • I can't believe anyone actually made it through that novel!
  • Is Angie getting married today?  Is today the day?
  • Yep, today's the day!
  • Yep, today's the day!

    Please update if she contacts you or anything. I do hope she gets over herself and apologizes!
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Yep, today's the day!
    So what time are you leaving work to get a pedicure and have that "Fuck that Noise" dinner with your boyfriend?

    I really want to hear about how Angie freaks the fuck out because something tiny goes wrong on her Super Speshul Magical Wedding Day.  (I don't know if your friend's name is actually Angie, but I have a crazy ex-friend named Angie that I imagine all this would happen to, so this brings me joy.)
    PrettyGirlLostOliveOilsMomJediElizabeth
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I didn't lounge in pajamas on my wedding day. DO-OVER!!

    OP, sorry you went through everything. Hope the future's looking up for you in all regards! 
    ________________________________


  • So - are you wearing the BM dress to dinner tonight so you get at least one wear out of it??? LOL  She sounds like a peach - really, changing the schedule after the fact is rude.  She should have told you a month ago she needed you there by noon.  Friday weddings - UGH!!!

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    lpeanut0610
  • Unfortunately I think I found Angie. If I have, all I have to say is she's wrong about all the honeyfund money going directly to their honeymoon- she forgot to say "'minus the 3% cut the company takes." Knottie#s, I think you are well rid of this demanding person. Bless her heart.
    lpeanut0610
  • Wegl13 said:
    Unfortunately I think I found Angie. If I have, all I have to say is she's wrong about all the honeyfund money going directly to their honeymoon- she forgot to say "'minus the 3% cut the company takes." Knottie#s, I think you are well rid of this demanding person. Bless her heart.
    I think some of you on here should solve crimes or something.  Impressive detective skills.

    SaveSave
    lpeanut0610ShesSoCold[Deleted User]MesmrEwe
  • Wegl13 said:
    Unfortunately I think I found Angie. If I have, all I have to say is she's wrong about all the honeyfund money going directly to their honeymoon- she forgot to say "'minus the 3% cut the company takes." Knottie#s, I think you are well rid of this demanding person. Bless her heart.
    Holy crap, color me impressed! 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wegl13 said:
    Unfortunately I think I found Angie. If I have, all I have to say is she's wrong about all the honeyfund money going directly to their honeymoon- she forgot to say "'minus the 3% cut the company takes." Knottie#s, I think you are well rid of this demanding person. Bless her heart.
    I think I found it too.  She actually put the Bridal Shower on the Wedding Website, including date and place, but said it was by "Invitation Only".  Way to show all the other wedding guests they aren't special enough to attend the shower by broadcasting the when and where to ALL guests.
  • edited October 2015
    Wegl13 said:
    Unfortunately I think I found Angie. If I have, all I have to say is she's wrong about all the honeyfund money going directly to their honeymoon- she forgot to say "'minus the 3% cut the company takes." Knottie#s, I think you are well rid of this demanding person. Bless her heart.
    I think I found it too.  She actually put the Bridal Shower on the Wedding Website, including date and place, but said it was by "Invitation Only".  Way to show all the other wedding guests they aren't special enough to attend the shower by broadcasting the when and where to ALL guests.

    ******Where's the Box?*********************************************
    I believe I have also found her. OP, did she remove you from the list of members of the bridal party on the wedding website? I noticed she has uneven sides, and from what you've told us, she seems like the type of person who would insist on even sides.
    Edited because: disappearing boxes.
  • LD1970 said:
    No.  No, no, no, no, no.  No way should a bridesmaid assume she has to take an entire day off for a 6 p.m. wedding.  I'd never have assumed that, and my husband and I wouldn't do it to our bridesmaids/groomsmen.



    Just this. I ended up 'kicking' my MOH out of my wedding party because she is in a bad place right now and needs to focus on herself emotionally. But we talked about this WAY in advance and in person and figured out what would be best for her. 

    Nixing you out a week before the wedding, by text is just rude, period. She knew how demanding your job was and what you were going through way before hand. And like LD1970 said, its completly unreasonable to expect someone to take the whole day off of work for an evening wedding.

    Either way, just sounds like this whole situation was just more undue stress that you didn't need =\
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  • LD1970 said:
    No.  No, no, no, no, no.  No way should a bridesmaid assume she has to take an entire day off for a 6 p.m. wedding.  I'd never have assumed that, and my husband and I wouldn't do it to our bridesmaids/groomsmen.



    Just this. I ended up 'kicking' my MOH out of my wedding party because she is in a bad place right now and needs to focus on herself emotionally. But we talked about this WAY in advance and in person and figured out what would be best for her. 

    Nixing you out a week before the wedding, by text is just rude, period. She knew how demanding your job was and what you were going through way before hand. And like LD1970 said, its completly unreasonable to expect someone to take the whole day off of work for an evening wedding.

    Either way, just sounds like this whole situation was just more undue stress that you didn't need =\

    Out of curiosity, did she make the decision that she couldn't be MOH for you, and then she initiated a talk about it? Or did you decide for her and then break it to her in a long conversation? 
    Maggie0829[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    LD1970 said:
    No.  No, no, no, no, no.  No way should a bridesmaid assume she has to take an entire day off for a 6 p.m. wedding.  I'd never have assumed that, and my husband and I wouldn't do it to our bridesmaids/groomsmen.



    Just this. I ended up 'kicking' my MOH out of my wedding party because she is in a bad place right now and needs to focus on herself emotionally. But we talked about this WAY in advance and in person and figured out what would be best for her. 

    Nixing you out a week before the wedding, by text is just rude, period. She knew how demanding your job was and what you were going through way before hand. And like LD1970 said, its completly unreasonable to expect someone to take the whole day off of work for an evening wedding.

    Either way, just sounds like this whole situation was just more undue stress that you didn't need =\

    Out of curiosity, did she make the decision that she couldn't be MOH for you, and then she initiated a talk about it? Or did you decide for her and then break it to her in a long conversation? 
    Yeah. . . Life is so stressful for her right now that she can't handle walking down an aisle and holding flowers one day in the future?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    [Deleted User]

  • LD1970 said:
    No.  No, no, no, no, no.  No way should a bridesmaid assume she has to take an entire day off for a 6 p.m. wedding.  I'd never have assumed that, and my husband and I wouldn't do it to our bridesmaids/groomsmen.



    Just this. I ended up 'kicking' my MOH out of my wedding party because she is in a bad place right now and needs to focus on herself emotionally. But we talked about this WAY in advance and in person and figured out what would be best for her. 

    Nixing you out a week before the wedding, by text is just rude, period. She knew how demanding your job was and what you were going through way before hand. And like LD1970 said, its completly unreasonable to expect someone to take the whole day off of work for an evening wedding.

    Either way, just sounds like this whole situation was just more undue stress that you didn't need =\

    Out of curiosity, did she make the decision that she couldn't be MOH for you, and then she initiated a talk about it? Or did you decide for her and then break it to her in a long conversation? 
    Yeah. . . Life is so stressful for her right now that she can't handle walking down an aisle and holding flowers one day in the future?
    Seriously. "Instead of being a real friend and offering support for the emotional anguish you are going through right now, I am going to shit on you even more and kick you out of my wedding party because your human emotions are blocking my vision."
    [Deleted User]OliveOilsMom
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