Moms and Maids

sometimes you just can't win (small vent)

pretty much the first thing that I said when we got engaged was "cool, let's just go do it at the courthouse & be done with it".  Not that I didn't want a wedding, I just am not super interested in having a wedding-y wedding. 

The option we went with was to have a bigass party.  But we start the party with the wedding ceremony so that we can have a reception (my mother was not please with the fact that we kept referring to the event as a party rather than a reception).

Regardless, I wasn't interested in having bridesmaids.  they're not standing up with us during the ceremony, and my goal is to have as few photographs as possible (although I'm being totally outvoted on that one too).  So I told my sister - hey i'm not having bridesmaids, i just want you to come party with us.

well, that was wrong. she wanted to be a bridesmaid.  so, i gave her the title - which is weird but it made everyone happy.  Then i told her that I absolutely didn't expect her to do anything other than show up and not cut in front of me at the buffet.  Plus that she could wear whatever she damn well pleased.

that was wrong too.  apparently since she's a bridesmaid I have to tell her what to wear (yuck) and she's gotta help with all the planning.
she actually wants to help with the planning and i had already hoped that she'd volunteer to help out a bit since she got married 10 years ago and would be able to tell me if i was missing anything).

i know that when you have a WP, all that they are required to do is show up pretty much on time and not be totally stone drunk - but i'm being told that not having a MOH/BM do bridezilla-y 'duties' is just as rude? 

it'll all work out, i know, but I'm SO tempted to just give people a link to this website whenever they're all OMG WHY AREN'T YOU HAVING YOUR BM DO THIS??!?!??!


.... excuse me while i go get those pesky kids off my lawn. ;)


sincerely, 
THE OLD

Re: sometimes you just can't win (small vent)

  • pretty much the first thing that I said when we got engaged was "cool, let's just go do it at the courthouse & be done with it".  Not that I didn't want a wedding, I just am not super interested in having a wedding-y wedding. 

    The option we went with was to have a bigass party.  But we start the party with the wedding ceremony so that we can have a reception (my mother was not please with the fact that we kept referring to the event as a party rather than a reception).

    Regardless, I wasn't interested in having bridesmaids.  they're not standing up with us during the ceremony, and my goal is to have as few photographs as possible (although I'm being totally outvoted on that one too).  So I told my sister - hey i'm not having bridesmaids, i just want you to come party with us.

    well, that was wrong. she wanted to be a bridesmaid.  so, i gave her the title - which is weird but it made everyone happy.  Then i told her that I absolutely didn't expect her to do anything other than show up and not cut in front of me at the buffet.  Plus that she could wear whatever she damn well pleased.

    that was wrong too.  apparently since she's a bridesmaid I have to tell her what to wear (yuck) and she's gotta help with all the planning.
    she actually wants to help with the planning and i had already hoped that she'd volunteer to help out a bit since she got married 10 years ago and would be able to tell me if i was missing anything).

    i know that when you have a WP, all that they are required to do is show up pretty much on time and not be totally stone drunk - but i'm being told that not having a MOH/BM do bridezilla-y 'duties' is just as rude? 

    it'll all work out, i know, but I'm SO tempted to just give people a link to this website whenever they're all OMG WHY AREN'T YOU HAVING YOUR BM DO THIS??!?!??!


    No. It is not rude. (Unless they're paying) your family is actually rude for butting in and telling you how your wedding has to go. It's particularly rude (and narrow minded) of your sister to demand to be a BM, then demand to have a say in your wedding/have her outfit picked out for her. 

    As long as you're hosting everyone properly and inviting everyone to the whole ceremony & reception, you're good.
    lc07
  • RachelR1977+RBRachelR1977+RB Chicago member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary

    well, that was wrong. she wanted to be a bridesmaid.  so, i gave her the title - which is weird but it made everyone happy.  Then i told her that I absolutely didn't expect her to do anything other than show up and not cut in front of me at the buffet.  Plus that she could wear whatever she damn well pleased.



    No. It is not rude. (Unless they're paying) your family is actually rude for butting in and telling you how your wedding has to go. It's particularly rude (and narrow minded) of your sister to demand to be a BM, then demand to have a say in your wedding/have her outfit picked out for her. 

    As long as you're hosting everyone properly and inviting everyone to the whole ceremony & reception, you're good.

    sorry, I worded that poorly.  She didn't demand to be a bridesmaid.  when I was talking to family members (who are paying and get a say which is why i was having the conversation with them) I had said that I figured that my sister wouldn't want to be in the wedding anyway cuz she's so busy (she's a schoolteacher and this is the middle of her school year).  But then she was all "oh no, I'd totally love to be a BM if you had them, it would be fun". it actually isn't my sister dictating the "rules" for the BM, it's mostly my FI & my parents. 
    .... excuse me while i go get those pesky kids off my lawn. ;)


    sincerely, 
    THE OLD
    JediElizabeth
  • Tell your sister, with the most serious face you can muster, that she has to wear this...

    image
    Seriously!  If she wants to be told what to wear.  Tell her.  Or pick a lime green something with a giant bow on the butt.  Then ask her if she still wants to be told what to wear.  "Sister, I don't give a flying fuck what you wear.  Just don't be naked.  Or, hell, be naked if that makes you comfortable.  I really don't give a flying fuck."
    MesmrEweryanandjoe4s-aries8990
  • well, the guidelines I gave her was "wear something comfy and if you wanna pick something 'rockabilly-ish' since that's what my dress is, i'll be happy to help you pick something. 

    she was excited that we had a theme, so that's cool.  to clarify tho - it wasn't my sister who wanted to be told what to wear (although she did say it was easier to pick something if she had guidelines).

    but, now i want to wear that dinosaur suit and find her one too so that we can have dino-fights!
    I'm confused. Who wanted to be told what to wear ? Or are your parents telling you that you have to tell your sister what to wear???
    Maggie0829STARMOON44
  • I am going through the exact same thing!!! My sister and FSIL are my bridesmaids and while it is sinking in to them that they can wear whatever they want, I can tell it still freaks FMIL out, lol. She wants me to pick a color, fabric, or at least tell them long or short. But, bless her heart, she also thinks she has to coordinate with what my mother is wearing.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Well, a reception really is just a big old party, so I think your mom is a little bit crazy to be upset you keep calling your reception a party.  Either the term reception or party is acceptable.

    Even though people who pay get a say, there are still many things that are your choice alone.  Like having a WP, who is in the WP, and what the WP wears.  So if anyone tries to further butt in on that, just say, "I have that taken care of, but thanks for asking."  Then change the subject.

    Also, whoever is saying that BMs need to help plan the wedding, just say no and that you and FI are planning everything (with the help of or at least within the budget of the payers).  If you are worried about leaving something out, the checklist feature on TK is pretty accurate.  You can simply delete any items that you aren't doing.  Like if it says to book your limo 4 months out and you aren't doing limos, then delete that item.  That will help you stay on track, time wise and make sure the things that are important to you and FI are not forgotten about.

    Lastly, if you really just want to go to the courthouse and get married, do that.  Or discuss with your FI what you both want for your wedding.  Make your plan and if it isn't what the people who are paying for want, then decline their money and pay for the wedding you want by yourselves.  The good thing about declining money is that you and your FI can plan the exact wedding you want.  As long as you have a seat for every butt and the appropriate food choices for the time of day of your wedding, you will have a wedding within etiquette standards.

  • aurianna said:
    OMG.

    Have the DJ announce "the bridal party dance."
    If the majority of the guests are like me they'll groan and turn towards the dance floor and pretend to pay attention...
    ...And you'll reward them by you and your sister coming out in dino suits and having a dino fight.
    And it will be the best thing at a wedding ever.
    Can I please please please come to see that?  You don't have to feed me or give me drinks or favors or anything.  I just really want to see that.
    ryanandjoe4MesmrEwe
  • aurianna said:
    OMG.

    Have the DJ announce "the bridal party dance."
    If the majority of the guests are like me they'll groan and turn towards the dance floor and pretend to pay attention...
    ...And you'll reward them by you and your sister coming out in dino suits and having a dino fight.
    And it will be the best thing at a wedding ever.
    I may just have to steal this idea.

    Sorry, would it go against the wedding originality laws if more than one person did it?
    MesmrEwe
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