Help with In-Laws

[Deleted User]

My fiance and I got engaged just under 2 weeks ago. We've been together for over 4 years, and I get along very well with his family and fit in with them. We are at his parents' house every Sunday for lunch and haven't had any conflicts. Until now.

I am not religious. At all. I did not go to any church, I was not baptized, nothing. His parents, on the other hand, are very Catholic (old world eastern European). His dad was in school to become a priest when he was much younger, until he got married of course. My fiance was raised Catholic, but neither him nor his siblings have practiced the religion for at least a decade. His parents know this, and they also know about my non-religious history.

My fiance had called his mom to say that we were finalizing the budget and wanted to know if they would want to contribute anything, and his mom says "Oh you'll need to talk the priest now and make sure he's available on the day you're looking at" to which he replied "Mom we're not getting married in the church". Well shit hit the fan. His mom started hysterically crying, refused to listen to the part about it being our day, saying that it's not real if it's not in a church, and she's scared to tell his dad for fear of him refusing to attend at all. My fiance had started considering doing the church wedding just for the sake of appeasement, but it is NOT something that I want (or have ever wanted) on my wedding day. I feel like it would be a slap in the face of Catholicism to pretend to be something I'm not on that day, and I don't ever want to regret the way we get married. I told him that there's no way I'm comfortable doing that just to make them happy, when it goes against what I believe in. 

My fiance is now going to talk to them again (both of them, including his dad) and say "This is what we want and we'd like you to be supportive of us, because it's our choice", but does anyone have any ideas as to how to make them understand better? Ways to say it? Should other people get involved, like my parents, or their priest? Any help or advice would be appreciated

mileybangerz

mALYficent said:

My fiance and I got engaged just under 2 weeks ago. We've been together for over 4 years, and I get along very well with his family and fit in with them. We are at his parents' house every Sunday for lunch and haven't had any conflicts. Until now.

I am not religious. At all. I did not go to any church, I was not baptized, nothing. His parents, on the other hand, are very Catholic (old world eastern European). His dad was in school to become a priest when he was much younger, until he got married of course. My fiance was raised Catholic, but neither him nor his siblings have practiced the religion for at least a decade. His parents know this, and they also know about my non-religious history.

My fiance had called his mom to say that we were finalizing the budget and wanted to know if they would want to contribute anything, and his mom says "Oh you'll need to talk the priest now and make sure he's available on the day you're looking at" to which he replied "Mom we're not getting married in the church". Well shit hit the fan. His mom started hysterically crying, refused to listen to the part about it being our day, saying that it's not real if it's not in a church, and she's scared to tell his dad for fear of him refusing to attend at all. My fiance had started considering doing the church wedding just for the sake of appeasement, but it is NOT something that I want (or have ever wanted) on my wedding day. I feel like it would be a slap in the face of Catholicism to pretend to be something I'm not on that day, and I don't ever want to regret the way we get married. I told him that there's no way I'm comfortable doing that just to make them happy, when it goes against what I believe in. 

My fiance is now going to talk to them again (both of them, including his dad) and say "This is what we want and we'd like you to be supportive of us, because it's our choice", but does anyone have any ideas as to how to make them understand better? Ways to say it? Should other people get involved, like my parents, or their priest? Any help or advice would be appreciated

First off, your FI should not have called his parents to ask how much money they'll contribute.  If they wanted to contribute, they would've offered.

Regarding the church wedding, your FI needs to sit down with his parents and factually explain that the Catholic faith is not a part of your lives and that you are not marrying in the church.  Nobody else needs to be involved; this is between him & them.  They can decide for themselves if they want to attend or not.

redoryx

mALYficent said:

My fiance and I got engaged just under 2 weeks ago. We've been together for over 4 years, and I get along very well with his family and fit in with them. We are at his parents' house every Sunday for lunch and haven't had any conflicts. Until now.

I am not religious. At all. I did not go to any church, I was not baptized, nothing. His parents, on the other hand, are very Catholic (old world eastern European). His dad was in school to become a priest when he was much younger, until he got married of course. My fiance was raised Catholic, but neither him nor his siblings have practiced the religion for at least a decade. His parents know this, and they also know about my non-religious history.

My fiance had called his mom to say that we were finalizing the budget and wanted to know if they would want to contribute anything, and his mom says "Oh you'll need to talk the priest now and make sure he's available on the day you're looking at" to which he replied "Mom we're not getting married in the church". Well shit hit the fan. His mom started hysterically crying, refused to listen to the part about it being our day, saying that it's not real if it's not in a church, and she's scared to tell his dad for fear of him refusing to attend at all. My fiance had started considering doing the church wedding just for the sake of appeasement, but it is NOT something that I want (or have ever wanted) on my wedding day. I feel like it would be a slap in the face of Catholicism to pretend to be something I'm not on that day, and I don't ever want to regret the way we get married. I told him that there's no way I'm comfortable doing that just to make them happy, when it goes against what I believe in. 

My fiance is now going to talk to them again (both of them, including his dad) and say "This is what we want and we'd like you to be supportive of us, because it's our choice", but does anyone have any ideas as to how to make them understand better? Ways to say it? Should other people get involved, like my parents, or their priest? Any help or advice would be appreciated

Okay, well, first things first: you should not have asked if they wanted to contribute anything. The budget is entirely on you and your FI and if people want to contribute, they will offer but it's not okay to ask. 

That said, do not get married in the church just to appease them, especially if you aren't religious and don't play on being religious after getting married. This is something you can put your foot down on and just explain that you aren't getting married in a church and you hope they understand and you hope to see them at the wedding. 

Maggie0829

This is something that needs to be discussed between your FI and his parents only.  Bringing others into the conversation will just end poorly.  And really all he needs to say is "Mom and Dad mALYifcent and I have decided that we will not be marrying within the church.  I know that this information may be upsetting to you both, but this is what we have decided and it is final."  Then you need to let his parents just deal with that information.  Seeing as how your FMIL reacted I would say that it is going to take some time for them to adjust and accept your decision.  But if they continue to bring it up your FI needs to just keep repeating "our decision is final."

Also, please don't have your FI call his parents up asking if they want to contribute any money.  That is not okay.  And even if they offered you money I wouldn't take it because those who pay get a say and you don't want them holding money over your heads and pushing you into a church wedding.

OliveOilsMom

Maggie0829 said:

This is something that needs to be discussed between your FI and his parents only.  Bringing others into the conversation will just end poorly.  And really all he needs to say is "Mom and Dad mALYifcent and I have decided that we will not be marrying within the church.  I know that this information may be upsetting to you both, but this is what we have decided and it is final."  Then you need to let his parents just deal with that information.  Seeing as how your FMIL reacted I would say that it is going to take some time for them to adjust and accept your decision.  But if they continue to bring it up your FI needs to just keep repeating "our decision is final."

Also, please don't have your FI call his parents up asking if they want to contribute any money.  That is not okay.  And even if they offered you money I wouldn't take it because those who pay get a say and you don't want them holding money over your heads and pushing you into a church wedding.

This.  Maggie has good wording above.  If/when FMIL breaks down crying and threatens not to come.  Your FI should say, "Mom & Dad, I love you, and I know this is not what you want for our wedding, but it is what we want.  If you won't attend, I will be hurt, but understand why.  You will be missed."  Keep that last statement handy for each time they say they won't attend the wedding unless its in the Church.

You are right that getting married in the Church wouldn't be right for you and your FI, based on what you wrote.  You are right to fight this.  It seems as if your FI is being strong with his parents, so that is a good sign!  Your FI should talk to his parents alone at first, but if this becomes a repeated line of questioning by FILs, it might be best to have the same conversation again, but with you sitting next to FI while he talks to his parents.  That would show you both as a united front.

And limit wedding talk with them until they come to realize that the cannot change your mind on the ceremony.  Once they have accepted this as fact, it will be easy to talk to them about plans.  But if they can't accept the non-Church wedding, each time you bring up the wedding, the conversation will always go back to "Why can't you just call the priest & schedule the wedding at our Church?"

fyrchk

Can you even get married in the Church if you aren't Catholic? Forgive me if I sound stupid, but I've always been under the impression that you have to be.

I had a friend who converted and another friend who had to attend classes because she was baptized but never received first Communion (or something like that...obviously I'm NOT a Catholic).

[Deleted User]

That was something we weren't sure about either, but apparently the bishop here has regulated that you CAN get married in the Catholic church even if only one person out of the couple is Catholic. You don't sound stupid, trust me. We didn't know this until my fiance called the church's administration office yesterday haha

climbingsingle

Your FI should not have called them asking for money. Because money ALWAYS comes with strings. Don't take a contribution from them and plan a non-church wedding. I agree with you that it's a slap in the face to their religion and I think your FI should say exactly that to his parents.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for the responses so far. I do want to iterate that it wasn't a phone call to ask FOR money, it was going to be a phone call of "We are finalizing the budget and are wondering if you are intending to contribute, but there is no obligation whatsoever" kind of phone call, which is considered to be more appropriate etiquette in today's day and age based on the large amount of reading and research I've been doing. Of course, the phone call didn't even get that far, as it spiraled downward way too quickly. But I just want to point out that that particular point is not the purpose of this OP anyway, so I'm not looking for criticism on that. 

PamBeesly524

mALYficent said:

Thanks for the responses so far. I do want to iterate that it wasn't a phone call to ask FOR money, it was going to be a phone call of "We are finalizing the budget and are wondering if you are intending to contribute, but there is no obligation whatsoever" kind of phone call, which is considered to be more appropriate etiquette in today's day and age based on the large amount of reading and research I've been doing. Of course, the phone call didn't even get that far, as it spiraled downward way too quickly. But I just want to point out that that particular point is not the purpose of this OP anyway, so I'm not looking for criticism on that. 

It doesn't matter that you aren't looking for criticism, when you post on the internet you can't tell people how to respond. PP's have made good points - your FI should not have even broached the topic of money with his parents. They've also made good points in regards to your original issue - have your FI talk to them and work it out

mollybarker11

mALYficent said:

That was something we weren't sure about either, but apparently the bishop here has regulated that you CAN get married in the Catholic church even if only one person out of the couple is Catholic. You don't sound stupid, trust me. We didn't know this until my fiance called the church's administration office yesterday haha

That is if one person in the couple is a PRACTICING Catholic "in good standing" with the Church. And I believe both members of the couple must attend pre-Cana which is a marriage prep course that takes place over several sessions (weeks or months). 

You are totally right to refuse to get married in the Church! It's disrespectful to both the faith and to the two of you. His mother must just be shocked that something she envisioned happening for years will not come to pass, but since she knew your FI was no longer practicing she should understand that it would be wrong to force you into a church wedding.

I agree that the discussion should be between your FI and his parents. They can reach out to their priest on their own and he'll probably set them straight himself.

MesmrEwe

Oh - this is one for the Catholic Boards...

Under no circumstance should you be married in the church if everything it stands for is anti-everything to you and your FI (not just you) stand for.  That said, there are real considerations to have here that your FI needs to understand of his own free will.  If your FFIL was studying for the priesthood, he may actually have better perspective than FMIL on this subject.  To expect them not to be mad initially - yea. 

Odd as it's going to sound to you, I'm actually going to recommend setting up a meeting with their parish priest for you and FI, but as more of a chaplain type meeting.  Your FI has some very serious things to discuss and know where he stands by getting married outside the faith at this point (there's a Synod going on over in Rome right this second on such matters but it's not getting a lot of press at all).  Also, whether you choose to get married in the church or not, you won't find a more complete and comprehensive premarital counseling program anywhere on the planet and in some states that'll save you quite a bit of money towards your marriage license (the priest that did our prep commented how many couples he's worked with that aren't even in the faith on strictly marriage prep).  This isn't going to be the only time in your married life that this issue will come up, it may also come up when it comes time for potential children in your marriage and the choice to Baptize.  The other reason is you aren't the first couple that their parish priest has ever counseled on this matter, nor parents of a couple getting married, what you're going there to discuss is nothing that he hasn't discussed with others before you. 

If anything, at this point, I'd ask you to keep an open mind, there's more to it than "appease the parents" going on here.  You aren't the first couple this has ever happened to.  With any luck, their parish priest is a Jesuit LOL..  I also agree with the PP in that any discussions on the matter with the FIL's should be between your FI & them.  And, your discussions with your FI need to be with an open mind because without him, there isn't a wedding, and all information needs to be on the table for both of you.  AGAIN, I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't get married in the church - at all, it's your choice as a couple to make or not make!!! 

redoryx

mALYficent said:

Thanks for the responses so far. I do want to iterate that it wasn't a phone call to ask FOR money, it was going to be a phone call of "We are finalizing the budget and are wondering if you are intending to contribute, but there is no obligation whatsoever" kind of phone call, which is considered to be more appropriate etiquette in today's day and age based on the large amount of reading and research I've been doing. Of course, the phone call didn't even get that far, as it spiraled downward way too quickly. But I just want to point out that that particular point is not the purpose of this OP anyway, so I'm not looking for criticism on that. 

Nope. Still not okay. If they wanted to contribute they would let you know.

Also, you posted on a public forum. Just because you had a question about X doesn't mean we can't comment on Y. 

climbingsingle

mALYficent said:

Thanks for the responses so far. I do want to iterate that it wasn't a phone call to ask FOR money, it was going to be a phone call of "We are finalizing the budget and are wondering if you are intending to contribute, but there is no obligation whatsoever" kind of phone call, which is considered to be more appropriate etiquette in today's day and age based on the large amount of reading and research I've been doing. Of course, the phone call didn't even get that far, as it spiraled downward way too quickly. But I just want to point out that that particular point is not the purpose of this OP anyway, so I'm not looking for criticism on that. 

It's never appropriate to ask people if they plan on contributing towards your wedding. In "today's age" couples are paying for weddings themselves without help from their parents.

southernbelle0915

This is a convo for just the 3 of them. I'll go out on a limb here and guess that they somewhat blame you since you're not religious. Plus marriage is a sacrament, so if they're super Catholic, you bet it's important to them that he's married in the Catholic church. So I would encourage him to use "I" a lot in that conversation.

Yea ditto everyone else about the money. And honestly, even if they say they'll contribute at this point, I wouldn't take it. You can bet they'll hold this over your head at every turn.

Jen4948

Bringing up contributing to the wedding, even to ask if they'd like to or don't have to, is never appropriate. The only time it's ever appropriate to talk about finances is if the other party offers to contribute and is the one to bring up the subject.

As for religion, I agree that a Catholic Church wedding wouldn't be appropriate for you for exactly the reasons you mention-that you and your FI don't believe in or plan to live according to the Church's teachings, so the big issue there is how to get this through to your FILs while still wanting their love and blessings. It may be that their priest could be helpful in this regard. Maybe a session with the priest together with your FILs would help accomplish this? If not, your FI could say something to them along the lines of, "Mom, Dad, I told you that @mALYficent and I aren't getting married in the Church. We don't think it would be appropriate because neither of us believe in the Church's teachings. This is a firm and final decision. We hope that you can understand and respect it, but it is not open for discussion."

CMGragain

You need to stay out of this.  Leave the religious talks to your FI.  They are HIS parents.

Maggie0829

mALYficent said:

Thanks for the responses so far. I do want to iterate that it wasn't a phone call to ask FOR money, it was going to be a phone call of "We are finalizing the budget and are wondering if you are intending to contribute, but there is no obligation whatsoever" kind of phone call, which is considered to be more appropriate etiquette in today's day and age based on the large amount of reading and research I've been doing. Of course, the phone call didn't even get that far, as it spiraled downward way too quickly. But I just want to point out that that particular point is not the purpose of this OP anyway, so I'm not looking for criticism on that. 

That is asking for money.  Just in a very roundabout and "nice" kind of way.

ryanandjoe4

MesmrEwe said:

Oh - this is one for the Catholic Boards...

Under no circumstance should you be married in the church if everything it stands for is anti-everything to you and your FI (not just you) stand for.  That said, there are real considerations to have here that your FI needs to understand of his own free will.  If your FFIL was studying for the priesthood, he may actually have better perspective than FMIL on this subject.  To expect them not to be mad initially - yea. 

Odd as it's going to sound to you, I'm actually going to recommend setting up a meeting with their parish priest for you and FI, but as more of a chaplain type meeting.  Your FI has some very serious things to discuss and know where he stands by getting married outside the faith at this point (there's a Synod going on over in Rome right this second on such matters but it's not getting a lot of press at all).  Also, whether you choose to get married in the church or not, you won't find a more complete and comprehensive premarital counseling program anywhere on the planet and in some states that'll save you quite a bit of money towards your marriage license (the priest that did our prep commented how many couples he's worked with that aren't even in the faith on strictly marriage prep).  This isn't going to be the only time in your married life that this issue will come up, it may also come up when it comes time for potential children in your marriage and the choice to Baptize.  The other reason is you aren't the first couple that their parish priest has ever counseled on this matter, nor parents of a couple getting married, what you're going there to discuss is nothing that he hasn't discussed with others before you. 

If anything, at this point, I'd ask you to keep an open mind, there's more to it than "appease the parents" going on here.  You aren't the first couple this has ever happened to.  With any luck, their parish priest is a Jesuit LOL..  I also agree with the PP in that any discussions on the matter with the FIL's should be between your FI & them.  And, your discussions with your FI need to be with an open mind because without him, there isn't a wedding, and all information needs to be on the table for both of you.  AGAIN, I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't get married in the church - at all, it's your choice as a couple to make or not make!!! 

I second this:

I am not Religious my H is, we attend church, we were married in the church, but I was not baptized so we had to have an outside of mass wedding. My H was OK with this since he didn't want the hour long ceremony anyways, and he knew no one in my family but my mom and two younger siblings would take communion anyways so it would have been awkward for my family with mass involved. Only he had to agree/sign that he would do everything to make sure that the children were raised in the faith, even though I am not against it, I think that kids should have the knowledge to make an educated decision about their own faith, and my family is non-practicing Catholics so if I were to show or teach my kids religion it would be catholic.

I am going to say as a non-religious person I was very impressed with the marriage counseling we received. the meetings with our Father were about us as a couple and making sure that we were ready for marriage not just the wedding. That we had discussed the possibility of children, finances, and many other things that most couples do not think about. Our father also spoke of couples that were not even getting married in the church that would come, and he also spoke of couples that discover with in the counseling that they were not communicating well and learned a lot about each other. I know that there were a few things that my H and I never thought of and would talk about it a outside of the meetings with the church.

the Pre-Cana was as helpful, the only issue I had was the video everyone had to watch from the 80's about natural family planning and how it is a new and fantastic way to not get pregnant.. being a scientist I couldn't help but laugh out loud... but the financial class, the problem solving class were great.. the only one I told my H I wouldn't go to was natural family planning I didn't think I could handle staying quiet..

I am also not saying that you should do the church wedding do what you want if you're paying. I also think that the counseling may be a good compromise with the in-laws, that not only keeps the peace, but helps you and your FH as well.. this is just my opinion of course..

I agree if someone wants to help pay for a wedding they will let you know, other wise don't ask or speak of your budget. you may not have meant to apply pressure with what you said, but asking in anyway for money is rude and pressures people into it.

themosthappy91

mollybarker11 said:

mALYficent said:

That was something we weren't sure about either, but apparently the bishop here has regulated that you CAN get married in the Catholic church even if only one person out of the couple is Catholic. You don't sound stupid, trust me. We didn't know this until my fiance called the church's administration office yesterday haha

That is if one person in the couple is a PRACTICING Catholic "in good standing" with the Church. And I believe both members of the couple must attend pre-Cana which is a marriage prep course that takes place over several sessions (weeks or months). 

BOXBOXBOXBOXBOXBOXBOXBOXBOX

I was also under the impression that even if you are not Catholic both members have to attend fairly extensive pre-marriage counseling through the Church, which is just another reason not to do it..

OP, I am surprised y'all didn't realize this was going to be such a point of contention for them if they are so deeply religious that they feel marriages outside of the Church aren't "real." 

The best thing you can do now is set clear boundaries because it's only going to get worse if/when you have a child and choose not to raise it Catholic. Imagine how intense their response is going to be when it's their grandchild's soul at stake and make sure you and your FI are 100% on the same page about how you'll handle the fallout that may come from that decision. 

downtondiva

No one gets to tell you whether to have a religious ceremony or not. Your FI needs to speak to his parents about this without you. It needs to be clear to them that this is a decision you have BOTH made, so they can't blame you for this (which they may already).

My husband and I did not get married in a church and our ceremony was mostly secular. A religious wedding would not have meant much to us, and we thought it would be disrespectful and kind of fake to have one when it wasn't important to either of us. Personally, I think you are doing the right thing. Do not change your plans just to appease people. You'll end up regretting it later.

ryanandjoe4

themosthappy91 said:

mollybarker11 said:

mALYficent said:

That was something we weren't sure about either, but apparently the bishop here has regulated that you CAN get married in the Catholic church even if only one person out of the couple is Catholic. You don't sound stupid, trust me. We didn't know this until my fiance called the church's administration office yesterday haha

That is if one person in the couple is a PRACTICING Catholic "in good standing" with the Church. And I believe both members of the couple must attend pre-Cana which is a marriage prep course that takes place over several sessions (weeks or months). 

BOXBOXBOXBOXBOXBOXBOXBOXBOX

I was also under the impression that even if you are not Catholic both members have to attend fairly extensive pre-marriage counseling through the Church, which is just another reason not to do it..

OP, I am surprised y'all didn't realize this was going to be such a point of contention for them if they are so deeply religious that they feel marriages outside of the Church aren't "real." 

The best thing you can do now is set clear boundaries because it's only going to get worse if/when you have a child and choose not to raise it Catholic. Imagine how intense their response is going to be when it's their grandchild's soul at stake and make sure you and your FI are 100% on the same page about how you'll handle the fallout that may come from that decision. 

"extensive marriage counseling" is three meetings with a priest, and one Saturday class that many many see as a benefit for a couple getting married, It helps people learn more about their partner. Not being religious I actually didn't feel pressured about religion at all. It is all about your attitude towards it, open minded people learn and respect others better than close minded attitudes towards new experiences. And as some have pointed out it could possible save the marriage license fee so an extra little bonus!

YogaSandy

I'm not Catholic (Lutheran - but now with influences from other religions). DH was raised Catholic. We got married in the Lutheran Church. Our pastor was great. Our marriage counselling was great. It was very helpful. We had a compacted version, as we married in our hometown but we were living six hours away at the time while I finished my second degree, so our Pastor just did our sessions, or smushed two sessions together, whenever we were in town.

ETA: we considered, for a time, getting married in the Catholic Church. We wouldn't have been able to have mass, as I wasn't Catholic. DH did talk to his priest, and we could get married there, as long as I had been baptized, even if it wasn't Catholic.

mileybangerz

YogaSandy said:

I'm not Catholic (Lutheran - but now with influences from other religions). DH was raised Catholic. We got married in the Lutheran Church. Our pastor was great. Our marriage counselling was great. It was very helpful. We had a compacted version, as we married in our hometown but we were living six hours away at the time while I finished my second degree, so our Pastor just did our sessions, or smushed two sessions together, whenever we were in town.

ETA: we considered, for a time, getting married in the Catholic Church. We wouldn't have been able to have mass, as I wasn't Catholic. DH did talk to his priest, and we could get married there, as long as I had been baptized, even if it wasn't Catholic.

I've been to plenty of weddings with a full Mass where one of the couple was not Catholic.

ILoveBeachMusic

mileybangerz said:

I'm not Catholic (Lutheran - but now with influences from other religions). DH was raised Catholic. We got married in the Lutheran Church. Our pastor was great. Our marriage counselling was great. It was very helpful. We had a compacted version, as we married in our hometown but we were living six hours away at the time while I finished my second degree, so our Pastor just did our sessions, or smushed two sessions together, whenever we were in town. ETA: we considered, for a time, getting married in the Catholic Church. We wouldn't have been able to have mass, as I wasn't Catholic. DH did talk to his priest, and we could get married there, as long as I had been baptized, even if it wasn't Catholic.

I've been to plenty of weddings with a full Mass where one of the couple was not Catholic.

True. There can be a full Mass the non-catholic person just can't take communion.

STARMOON44

She's not religious at all. He doesn't practice. Neither of them wants to have a church wedding at all.

I find it bizarre and disrespectful to suggest the solution is meeting with a priest to discuss. This is not the couple's problem! They are completely fine and on the same page. If anyone should be talking to a parish priest for counseling, it is his mother.

OP, I'd encourage you to give this time. It's obviously a shock to his parents and they haven't reacted well. Let them process for a bit. Hopefully they will calm down and your FI can have a more rational discussion with them.

AddieCake

The only time it would have been acceptable to call his parents and ask about the money is if they had previously offered it and he was following up, so he should not have done that, no matter how "nicely" you want to spin it. Leave this church conversation to the three of them.

Jen4948

STARMOON44 said:

She's not religious at all. He doesn't practice. Neither of them wants to have a church wedding at all.

I find it bizarre and disrespectful to suggest the solution is meeting with a priest to discuss. This is not the couple's problem! They are completely fine and on the same page. If anyone should be talking to a parish priest for counseling, it is his mother.

OP, I'd encourage you to give this time. It's obviously a shock to his parents and they haven't reacted well. Let them process for a bit. Hopefully they will calm down and your FI can have a more rational discussion with them.

I think those who are suggesting meeting with a priest think that the priest could help the FILs understand why a Catholic church wedding would not be appropriate and to accept that it won't happen, not to put pressure on the couple to have a Catholic wedding when they don't believe in the Church's teachings. If it were the latter, I agree that that would be disrespectful to the couple and to the Church. But if it's the former, I don't think it's "bizarre" or "disrespectful" to have a priest help get that message through to parents who are digging in their heels and being stubborn about having a Catholic wedding when it wouldn't be appropriate.

STARMOON44

"Your FI has some very serious things to discuss and know where he stands by getting married outside the faith at this point (there's a Synod going on over in Rome right this second on such matters but it's not getting a lot of press at all). "

This is partially what I find so offensive. As if her FI couldn't possibly ALREADY have made this decision with the full knowledge of what it means in the last ten years he hasn't participated in church life. As if he needs to have serious discussions with a priest about it. Also nope! He's not religious and isn't concerned about this decision. It's great advice for when a couple isn't on the same page, but these two are. The OP doesn't mention that he isn't completely on board at all. His parents might need religious counseling. He, as a person who has left the faith and is comfortable with that, does not have any serious things to discuss beyond setting boundaries with his parents.

Jen4948

STARMOON44 said:

"Your FI has some very serious things to discuss and know where he stands by getting married outside the faith at this point (there's a Synod going on over in Rome right this second on such matters but it's not getting a lot of press at all). "

This is partially what I find so offensive. As if her FI couldn't possibly ALREADY have made this decision with the full knowledge of what it means in the last ten years he hasn't participated in church life. As if he needs to have serious discussions with a priest about it. Also nope! He's not religious and isn't concerned about this decision. It's great advice for when a couple isn't on the same page, but these two are. The OP doesn't mention that he isn't completely on board at all. His parents might need religious counseling. He, as a person who has left the faith and is comfortable with that, does not have any serious things to discuss beyond setting boundaries with his parents.

Yeah, that's offensive.

kimmiinthemitten

FI and I have the same problem with FMIL including all the hysterics that come with it, and the baptism of the 3 future children she'd like us to have. Fi just dropped the convo every time it came up until she was no longer emotional. Once she was calm enough for a conversation (2 months I believe) he explained to her that getting married in a church when we don't believe in its tennants is disrespectful and rude to all of the people who make the church what it is, from parishioners like her to the office staff and volunteers to the pastor. By politely declining, we were respecting the church and making sure our vows were based on principles we hold deeply. She's not totally on board and keeps trying to dictate that the word God be said once, but it's been a couple months since she last brought it up so that's success!