Wedding Party

Junior groomsman?

When my fiance and I got engaged, I chose his sister as one of my bridesmaids. She brought up the idea of having her son as a junior groomsman in our wedding. At the time I thought it was a great idea because my fiance and his nephew have a great relationship. However, the more I think about it the more I dislike the idea of having him be part of the wedding party. He's 10 years old and has a hard time focusing. I'm nervous that he will be a distraction during the ceremony and formal photographs.
This past weekend my fiance's sister and his nephew were up visiting and the nephew blurted out that he wanted to be a junior groomsman in our wedding. My fiance's sister told him it wasn't appropriate to go asking for that title and I intentionally didn't bring it up the rest of the weekend. How do I tell her that I'm not comfortable adding her son to the wedding without upsetting her? Is this something I should just let go and allow him to be part of the wedding party? I'm not looking to upset my future family-in-law but I also want the day to be about my fiance and I and not about wrangling a distracted 10 year old.
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Re: Junior groomsman?

  • Thank you for your input. I had never heard of the term "junior groomsman" before she brought it up but I agree, he will have the same responsibilities as a groomsman so no need to point out the obvious.
    My FI isn't opposed to having his nephew as a groomsman but he hasn't even asked the main groomsman to be part of the wedding so I think that needs to happen first. I suppose I need to put my big girl panties on and just tell him how I feel before his nephew gets his hopes up more than they already are.
  • ryanandjoe4ryanandjoe4 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2015
    Thank you for your input. I had never heard of the term "junior groomsman" before she brought it up but I agree, he will have the same responsibilities as a groomsman so no need to point out the obvious.
    My FI isn't opposed to having his nephew as a groomsman but he hasn't even asked the main groomsman to be part of the wedding so I think that needs to happen first. I suppose I need to put my big girl panties on and just tell him how I feel before his nephew gets his hopes up more than they already are.
    OK first as PP have said this isn't your decision.. this is your FI'd decision.. did he tell you who you could or couldn't have as a bridesmaid??

    Second, a 10 year old is hardly something to be worried about.. We had 3 flower girls, all 6 and under not one issue... we had 2 ring RB that were 8 and 5, the 5 year old stayed with me, and my brother (who was walking me), had to wrangle him and was football holding him as we came around the corner, everyone laughed and then "Ohh and awwed" over me and my brother, it was not brought up again, and I am hoping my photographer got a shot of it.. The 8 year old handled it just fine by himself.. they are walking in a straight line for not even a minute.... As the bride you don't usually see everyone else walking down anyways, I had to ask if the FG did the hip shake walk they practiced since April.

    Your stressing way to much about this.. Also, I was going to ask my H sister to be BM but they had a horrible reaction to the proposal that was disrespectful to H and I. I discussed with H when we started planning who would be involved I said only because they were so hurtful to both of us I don't want them to be involved.. We compromised with having them walk by themselves first before him, I got over it because I realized that they are his sister and are important to him.. If it was completely up to me their 3 girls wouldn't have even been in the wedding, but he is A LOT more forgiving than I am..  


    EDT: even 10:30 is to early today.. 
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  • When my fiance and I got engaged, I chose his sister as one of my bridesmaids. She brought up the idea of having her son as a junior groomsman in our wedding. At the time I thought it was a great idea because my fiance and his nephew have a great relationship. However, the more I think about it the more I dislike the idea of having him be part of the wedding party. He's 10 years old and has a hard time focusing. I'm nervous that he will be a distraction during the ceremony and formal photographs.
    This past weekend my fiance's sister and his nephew were up visiting and the nephew blurted out that he wanted to be a junior groomsman in our wedding. My fiance's sister told him it wasn't appropriate to go asking for that title and I intentionally didn't bring it up the rest of the weekend. How do I tell her that I'm not comfortable adding her son to the wedding without upsetting her? Is this something I should just let go and allow him to be part of the wedding party? I'm not looking to upset my future family-in-law but I also want the day to be about my fiance and I and not about wrangling a distracted 10 year old.
    Well this is really your FI decision, not yours.

    If you do include just call him a groomsman, no need for the junior title.  It will be obvious that he is young so no need to point out something obvious.

    Keep a seat open in the front row, next to a relative of his, that he can go and sit down in if he gets tired of standing during your ceremony.  As for pictures, get the main group photos done first thing and then if he gets bored allow him to go with a relative to cocktail hour while you finish up photos.

    As for the bolded, just because there may be a kid running amok doesn't mean that the day will no longer be about you and your FI.  Your guests won't start thinking "Oh this day isn't about so and so getting married, it is about watching this kid running around.  Silly me for getting that mixed up!"
    Thanks, Maggie. In response to your response, my FI's nephew has major focusing issues. Inherently I know his nephew won't overshadow our day. My concern is that he will be distracting to not only me but to others watching the ceremony, namely his mother who is in the wedding party and his grandparents who are constantly watching him to make sure he's not getting into trouble (something I can't change), as well as during the photos. (Kyle, stand still. Kyle, stay in line. Kyle, no talking). I appreciate your opinion, though.
  • Thank you for your input. I had never heard of the term "junior groomsman" before she brought it up but I agree, he will have the same responsibilities as a groomsman so no need to point out the obvious.
    My FI isn't opposed to having his nephew as a groomsman but he hasn't even asked the main groomsman to be part of the wedding so I think that needs to happen first. I suppose I need to put my big girl panties on and just tell him how I feel before his nephew gets his hopes up more than they already are.
    Agreed that this is your FI's decision, but I think it's totally reasonable for you two to talk about it. There was a person I wanted on my side who my FI asked me not to ask because of personal reasons. It was my choice, but I took his opinion into consideration. If you have a strong opinion about something, I think a healthy relationship enables you to tell your FI, without making it a demand. Just "These are my concerns, but if you think it'll be ok, it's up to you."

    To the bolded: your words make it sound like the only reason your FI would choose him is pressure from your FSIL. If he were asking, I'd tell him not to have "main" groomsman and then the second string one he was obligated to pick. It always comes out, and feelings are hurt. That's the reason having his nephew may be objectionable, not his attention problems.

    But, ultimately, it is up to him.
  • Thank you for your input. I had never heard of the term "junior groomsman" before she brought it up but I agree, he will have the same responsibilities as a groomsman so no need to point out the obvious.
    My FI isn't opposed to having his nephew as a groomsman but he hasn't even asked the main groomsman to be part of the wedding so I think that needs to happen first. I suppose I need to put my big girl panties on and just tell him how I feel before his nephew gets his hopes up more than they already are.
    OK first as PP have said this isn't your decision.. this is your FI'd decision.. did he tell you who you could or couldn't have as a bridesmaid??

    Second, a 10 year old is hardly something to be worried about.. We had 3 flower girls, all 6 and under not one issue... we had 2 ring RB that were 8 and 5, the 5 year old stayed with me, and my brother (who was walking me), had to wrangle him and was football holding him as we came around the corner, everyone laughed and then "Ohh and awwed" over me and my brother, it was not brought up again, and I am hoping my photographer got a shot of it.. The 8 year old handled it just fine by himself.. they are walking in a straight line for not even a minute.... As the bride you don't usually see everyone else walking down anyways, I had to ask if the FG did the hip shake walk they practiced since April.

    Your stressing way to much about this.. Also, I was going to ask my H sister to be BM but they had a horrible reaction to the proposal that was disrespectful to H and I. I discussed with H when we started planning who would be involved I said only because they were so hurtful to both of us I don't want them to be involved.. We compromised with having them walk by themselves first before him, I got over it because I realized that they are his sister and are important to him.. If it was completely up to me their 3 girls wouldn't have even been in the wedding, but he is A LOT more forgiving than I am..  


    EDT: even 10:30 is to early today.. 
    So what you're saying is I would be a complete jerk to ask him not to include his nephew because I'm concerned about his ability to focus. You believe I should have no say in this decision but I think we should decide together. We agreed who we would have in the wedding party before we announced our engagement to our family and we agreed on the wedding party together. Later this "junior groomsman" thing was brought up, a term I was not familiar with. Thank you for your opinion, though!
  • Wildcat144Wildcat144 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited October 2015
    Thank you for your input. I had never heard of the term "junior groomsman" before she brought it up but I agree, he will have the same responsibilities as a groomsman so no need to point out the obvious.
    My FI isn't opposed to having his nephew as a groomsman but he hasn't even asked the main groomsman to be part of the wedding so I think that needs to happen first. I suppose I need to put my big girl panties on and just tell him how I feel before his nephew gets his hopes up more than they already are.
    "Agreed that this is your FI's decision, but I think it's totally reasonable for you two to talk about it. There was a person I wanted on my side who my FI asked me not to ask because of personal reasons. It was my choice, but I took his opinion into consideration. If you have a strong opinion about something, I think a healthy relationship enables you to tell your FI, without making it a demand. Just "These are my concerns, but if you think it'll be ok, it's up to you."

    To the bolded: your words make it sound like the only reason your FI would choose him is pressure from your FSIL. If he were asking, I'd tell him not to have "main" groomsman and then the second string one he was obligated to pick. It always comes out, and feelings are hurt. That's the reason having his nephew may be objectionable, not his attention problems.

    But, ultimately, it is up to him."


    I'm sorry if I was unclear. My FI decided to include his best friend, his brother, and my brother as his wedding party. No problem there. I decided to include my best friend and my FI's two sisters in my wedding party. No issues there either. My FI hasn't asked anyone to be in his wedding yet. I feel it is important for him to ask his three groomsmen first before we make any decisions about including his nephew. And my objection is definitely his attention problems. I think we can ask him to be part of the day in a different role where he is not part of the wedding party so as to not offend my FSIL. I think I solved my own problem. Thanks, though!
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    When my fiance and I got engaged, I chose his sister as one of my bridesmaids. She brought up the idea of having her son as a junior groomsman in our wedding. At the time I thought it was a great idea because my fiance and his nephew have a great relationship. However, the more I think about it the more I dislike the idea of having him be part of the wedding party. He's 10 years old and has a hard time focusing. I'm nervous that he will be a distraction during the ceremony and formal photographs.
    This past weekend my fiance's sister and his nephew were up visiting and the nephew blurted out that he wanted to be a junior groomsman in our wedding. My fiance's sister told him it wasn't appropriate to go asking for that title and I intentionally didn't bring it up the rest of the weekend. How do I tell her that I'm not comfortable adding her son to the wedding without upsetting her? Is this something I should just let go and allow him to be part of the wedding party? I'm not looking to upset my future family-in-law but I also want the day to be about my fiance and I and not about wrangling a distracted 10 year old.
    Well this is really your FI decision, not yours.

    If you do include just call him a groomsman, no need for the junior title.  It will be obvious that he is young so no need to point out something obvious.

    Keep a seat open in the front row, next to a relative of his, that he can go and sit down in if he gets tired of standing during your ceremony.  As for pictures, get the main group photos done first thing and then if he gets bored allow him to go with a relative to cocktail hour while you finish up photos.

    As for the bolded, just because there may be a kid running amok doesn't mean that the day will no longer be about you and your FI.  Your guests won't start thinking "Oh this day isn't about so and so getting married, it is about watching this kid running around.  Silly me for getting that mixed up!"
    Thanks, Maggie. In response to your response, my FI's nephew has major focusing issues. Inherently I know his nephew won't overshadow our day. My concern is that he will be distracting to not only me but to others watching the ceremony, namely his mother who is in the wedding party and his grandparents who are constantly watching him to make sure he's not getting into trouble (something I can't change), as well as during the photos. (Kyle, stand still. Kyle, stay in line. Kyle, no talking). I appreciate your opinion, though.
    Um, if he isn't in the wedding party but is still invited, the bolded could still happen.  Not having him in the wedding party isn't going to solve your fear of being distracted.

    ryanandjoe4redoryxmileybangerzOliveOilsMom

  • When my fiance and I got engaged, I chose his sister as one of my bridesmaids. She brought up the idea of having her son as a junior groomsman in our wedding. At the time I thought it was a great idea because my fiance and his nephew have a great relationship. However, the more I think about it the more I dislike the idea of having him be part of the wedding party. He's 10 years old and has a hard time focusing. I'm nervous that he will be a distraction during the ceremony and formal photographs.
    This past weekend my fiance's sister and his nephew were up visiting and the nephew blurted out that he wanted to be a junior groomsman in our wedding. My fiance's sister told him it wasn't appropriate to go asking for that title and I intentionally didn't bring it up the rest of the weekend. How do I tell her that I'm not comfortable adding her son to the wedding without upsetting her? Is this something I should just let go and allow him to be part of the wedding party? I'm not looking to upset my future family-in-law but I also want the day to be about my fiance and I and not about wrangling a distracted 10 year old.
    Well this is really your FI decision, not yours.

    If you do include just call him a groomsman, no need for the junior title.  It will be obvious that he is young so no need to point out something obvious.

    Keep a seat open in the front row, next to a relative of his, that he can go and sit down in if he gets tired of standing during your ceremony.  As for pictures, get the main group photos done first thing and then if he gets bored allow him to go with a relative to cocktail hour while you finish up photos.

    As for the bolded, just because there may be a kid running amok doesn't mean that the day will no longer be about you and your FI.  Your guests won't start thinking "Oh this day isn't about so and so getting married, it is about watching this kid running around.  Silly me for getting that mixed up!"
    Thanks, Maggie. In response to your response, my FI's nephew has major focusing issues. Inherently I know his nephew won't overshadow our day. My concern is that he will be distracting to not only me but to others watching the ceremony, namely his mother who is in the wedding party and his grandparents who are constantly watching him to make sure he's not getting into trouble (something I can't change), as well as during the photos. (Kyle, stand still. Kyle, stay in line. Kyle, no talking). I appreciate your opinion, though.
    You realize that even if he is not in the wedding party he will be at the wedding right, so these things can happen, and it may be better if he is up there with those people they may be able to keep him in line better since they may see triggers that he is about to lose concentration.. Also (since in my head I hear is "This wedding isn't going to be all about memememe if this kid makes a sound" when you have posted so far) why not have the bridal party sit down during your vows? my son who was the 5 year old RB in the football hold, had an iPad on mute ready for him to watch his favorite Disney movie, and his beloved Thomas The Train in his hand, he sat through the whole wedding quietly, all I heard was the clicking of the train now when I hear him play with it it sends me back to that day and it makes me smile. Another kid of a guest yelled out "yea, good job" when the cantor stopped singing, cutest thing ever.. I am sure his mother and grandparents have a way to make him sit still, and or behave, does he get school pictures? are your pictures going to take hours and hours? how many will he actually be in? maybe get the "just groomsman" shots done before the wedding so it is less stressful for you since you most likely wont participate with the just guys pictures before the wedding..


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  • When my fiance and I got engaged, I chose his sister as one of my bridesmaids. She brought up the idea of having her son as a junior groomsman in our wedding. At the time I thought it was a great idea because my fiance and his nephew have a great relationship. However, the more I think about it the more I dislike the idea of having him be part of the wedding party. He's 10 years old and has a hard time focusing. I'm nervous that he will be a distraction during the ceremony and formal photographs.
    This past weekend my fiance's sister and his nephew were up visiting and the nephew blurted out that he wanted to be a junior groomsman in our wedding. My fiance's sister told him it wasn't appropriate to go asking for that title and I intentionally didn't bring it up the rest of the weekend. How do I tell her that I'm not comfortable adding her son to the wedding without upsetting her? Is this something I should just let go and allow him to be part of the wedding party? I'm not looking to upset my future family-in-law but I also want the day to be about my fiance and I and not about wrangling a distracted 10 year old.
    Well this is really your FI decision, not yours.

    If you do include just call him a groomsman, no need for the junior title.  It will be obvious that he is young so no need to point out something obvious.

    Keep a seat open in the front row, next to a relative of his, that he can go and sit down in if he gets tired of standing during your ceremony.  As for pictures, get the main group photos done first thing and then if he gets bored allow him to go with a relative to cocktail hour while you finish up photos.

    As for the bolded, just because there may be a kid running amok doesn't mean that the day will no longer be about you and your FI.  Your guests won't start thinking "Oh this day isn't about so and so getting married, it is about watching this kid running around.  Silly me for getting that mixed up!"
    Thanks, Maggie. In response to your response, my FI's nephew has major focusing issues. Inherently I know his nephew won't overshadow our day. My concern is that he will be distracting to not only me but to others watching the ceremony, namely his mother who is in the wedding party and his grandparents who are constantly watching him to make sure he's not getting into trouble (something I can't change), as well as during the photos. (Kyle, stand still. Kyle, stay in line. Kyle, no talking). I appreciate your opinion, though.
    You realize that even if he is not in the wedding party he will be at the wedding right, so these things can happen, and it may be better if he is up there with those people they may be able to keep him in line better since they may see triggers that he is about to lose concentration.. Also (since in my head I hear is "This wedding isn't going to be all about memememe if this kid makes a sound" when you have posted so far) why not have the bridal party sit down during your vows? my son who was the 5 year old RB in the football hold, had an iPad on mute ready for him to watch his favorite Disney movie, and his beloved Thomas The Train in his hand, he sat through the whole wedding quietly, all I heard was the clicking of the train now when I hear him play with it it sends me back to that day and it makes me smile. Another kid of a guest yelled out "yea, good job" when the cantor stopped singing, cutest thing ever.. I am sure his mother and grandparents have a way to make him sit still, and or behave, does he get school pictures? are your pictures going to take hours and hours? how many will he actually be in? maybe get the "just groomsman" shots done before the wedding so it is less stressful for you since you most likely wont participate with the just guys pictures before the wedding..


    Great idea. And maybe I come across as wanting it to be all about me and if I'm being too self-absorbed I thank you for pointing it out.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow, if this 10 year old is such a distraction, I don't think you should even invite him to the wedding! He could easily cause these disturbances just being a guest and observing the ceremony. Also, what if he gets on the dance floor and dances all crazy-like? That will just take more attention away from you. You better tell your FSIL that he's not invited. 



  • When my fiance and I got engaged, I chose his sister as one of my bridesmaids. She brought up the idea of having her son as a junior groomsman in our wedding. At the time I thought it was a great idea because my fiance and his nephew have a great relationship. However, the more I think about it the more I dislike the idea of having him be part of the wedding party. He's 10 years old and has a hard time focusing. I'm nervous that he will be a distraction during the ceremony and formal photographs.
    This past weekend my fiance's sister and his nephew were up visiting and the nephew blurted out that he wanted to be a junior groomsman in our wedding. My fiance's sister told him it wasn't appropriate to go asking for that title and I intentionally didn't bring it up the rest of the weekend. How do I tell her that I'm not comfortable adding her son to the wedding without upsetting her? Is this something I should just let go and allow him to be part of the wedding party? I'm not looking to upset my future family-in-law but I also want the day to be about my fiance and I and not about wrangling a distracted 10 year old.
    Well this is really your FI decision, not yours.

    If you do include just call him a groomsman, no need for the junior title.  It will be obvious that he is young so no need to point out something obvious.

    Keep a seat open in the front row, next to a relative of his, that he can go and sit down in if he gets tired of standing during your ceremony.  As for pictures, get the main group photos done first thing and then if he gets bored allow him to go with a relative to cocktail hour while you finish up photos.

    As for the bolded, just because there may be a kid running amok doesn't mean that the day will no longer be about you and your FI.  Your guests won't start thinking "Oh this day isn't about so and so getting married, it is about watching this kid running around.  Silly me for getting that mixed up!"
    Thanks, Maggie. In response to your response, my FI's nephew has major focusing issues. Inherently I know his nephew won't overshadow our day. My concern is that he will be distracting to not only me but to others watching the ceremony, namely his mother who is in the wedding party and his grandparents who are constantly watching him to make sure he's not getting into trouble (something I can't change), as well as during the photos. (Kyle, stand still. Kyle, stay in line. Kyle, no talking). I appreciate your opinion, though.
    You realize that even if he is not in the wedding party he will be at the wedding right, so these things can happen, and it may be better if he is up there with those people they may be able to keep him in line better since they may see triggers that he is about to lose concentration.. Also (since in my head I hear is "This wedding isn't going to be all about memememe if this kid makes a sound" when you have posted so far) why not have the bridal party sit down during your vows? my son who was the 5 year old RB in the football hold, had an iPad on mute ready for him to watch his favorite Disney movie, and his beloved Thomas The Train in his hand, he sat through the whole wedding quietly, all I heard was the clicking of the train now when I hear him play with it it sends me back to that day and it makes me smile. Another kid of a guest yelled out "yea, good job" when the cantor stopped singing, cutest thing ever.. I am sure his mother and grandparents have a way to make him sit still, and or behave, does he get school pictures? are your pictures going to take hours and hours? how many will he actually be in? maybe get the "just groomsman" shots done before the wedding so it is less stressful for you since you most likely wont participate with the just guys pictures before the wedding..


    Great idea. And maybe I come across as wanting it to be all about me and if I'm being too self-absorbed I thank you for pointing it out.
    That is what we are here for to give you unbiased advice, and to keep the "it's my special day" attitude in check. Just try to remember this is you and your FI's event and that the people close to him are just as important as the people close to you.

    Change your name to something recognizable, and stick around since you can take criticism and advise well so far. You will learn a lot, and see that many of the people on here are great problem solvers. 
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  • Wow, if this 10 year old is such a distraction, I don't think you should even invite him to the wedding! He could easily cause these disturbances just being a guest and observing the ceremony. Also, what if he gets on the dance floor and dances all crazy-like? That will just take more attention away from you. You better tell your FSIL that he's not invited. 
    While I appreciate that you are trying to inject humor into this, your response isn't adding anything productive to this topic. Thank you, anyway!
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow, if this 10 year old is such a distraction, I don't think you should even invite him to the wedding! He could easily cause these disturbances just being a guest and observing the ceremony. Also, what if he gets on the dance floor and dances all crazy-like? That will just take more attention away from you. You better tell your FSIL that he's not invited. 
    While I appreciate that you are trying to inject humor into this, your response isn't adding anything productive to this topic. Thank you, anyway!
    Guess what? My posts don't have to be productive. Welcome to the interwebs. 

    Here's some constructive criticism -  you're not coming off well here thinking your FI's nephew will steal attention from you. 

    Heffalumplc07


  • When my fiance and I got engaged, I chose his sister as one of my bridesmaids. She brought up the idea of having her son as a junior groomsman in our wedding. At the time I thought it was a great idea because my fiance and his nephew have a great relationship. However, the more I think about it the more I dislike the idea of having him be part of the wedding party. He's 10 years old and has a hard time focusing. I'm nervous that he will be a distraction during the ceremony and formal photographs.
    This past weekend my fiance's sister and his nephew were up visiting and the nephew blurted out that he wanted to be a junior groomsman in our wedding. My fiance's sister told him it wasn't appropriate to go asking for that title and I intentionally didn't bring it up the rest of the weekend. How do I tell her that I'm not comfortable adding her son to the wedding without upsetting her? Is this something I should just let go and allow him to be part of the wedding party? I'm not looking to upset my future family-in-law but I also want the day to be about my fiance and I and not about wrangling a distracted 10 year old.
    Well this is really your FI decision, not yours.

    If you do include just call him a groomsman, no need for the junior title.  It will be obvious that he is young so no need to point out something obvious.

    Keep a seat open in the front row, next to a relative of his, that he can go and sit down in if he gets tired of standing during your ceremony.  As for pictures, get the main group photos done first thing and then if he gets bored allow him to go with a relative to cocktail hour while you finish up photos.

    As for the bolded, just because there may be a kid running amok doesn't mean that the day will no longer be about you and your FI.  Your guests won't start thinking "Oh this day isn't about so and so getting married, it is about watching this kid running around.  Silly me for getting that mixed up!"
    Thanks, Maggie. In response to your response, my FI's nephew has major focusing issues. Inherently I know his nephew won't overshadow our day. My concern is that he will be distracting to not only me but to others watching the ceremony, namely his mother who is in the wedding party and his grandparents who are constantly watching him to make sure he's not getting into trouble (something I can't change), as well as during the photos. (Kyle, stand still. Kyle, stay in line. Kyle, no talking). I appreciate your opinion, though.
    You realize that even if he is not in the wedding party he will be at the wedding right, so these things can happen, and it may be better if he is up there with those people they may be able to keep him in line better since they may see triggers that he is about to lose concentration.. Also (since in my head I hear is "This wedding isn't going to be all about memememe if this kid makes a sound" when you have posted so far) why not have the bridal party sit down during your vows? my son who was the 5 year old RB in the football hold, had an iPad on mute ready for him to watch his favorite Disney movie, and his beloved Thomas The Train in his hand, he sat through the whole wedding quietly, all I heard was the clicking of the train now when I hear him play with it it sends me back to that day and it makes me smile. Another kid of a guest yelled out "yea, good job" when the cantor stopped singing, cutest thing ever.. I am sure his mother and grandparents have a way to make him sit still, and or behave, does he get school pictures? are your pictures going to take hours and hours? how many will he actually be in? maybe get the "just groomsman" shots done before the wedding so it is less stressful for you since you most likely wont participate with the just guys pictures before the wedding..


    Great idea. And maybe I come across as wanting it to be all about me and if I'm being too self-absorbed I thank you for pointing it out.
    That is what we are here for to give you unbiased advice, and to keep the "it's my special day" attitude in check. Just try to remember this is you and your FI's event and that the people close to him are just as important as the people close to you.

    Change your name to something recognizable, and stick around since you can take criticism and advise well so far. You will learn a lot, and see that many of the people on here are great problem solvers. 
    You're right. And his nephew is very important to him. He does better when he has a task (handing out programs if we do them, helping to seat guests, etc) so I may suggest that he's part of the wedding but in a different role. Thanks, again!


  • When my fiance and I got engaged, I chose his sister as one of my bridesmaids. She brought up the idea of having her son as a junior groomsman in our wedding. At the time I thought it was a great idea because my fiance and his nephew have a great relationship. However, the more I think about it the more I dislike the idea of having him be part of the wedding party. He's 10 years old and has a hard time focusing. I'm nervous that he will be a distraction during the ceremony and formal photographs.
    This past weekend my fiance's sister and his nephew were up visiting and the nephew blurted out that he wanted to be a junior groomsman in our wedding. My fiance's sister told him it wasn't appropriate to go asking for that title and I intentionally didn't bring it up the rest of the weekend. How do I tell her that I'm not comfortable adding her son to the wedding without upsetting her? Is this something I should just let go and allow him to be part of the wedding party? I'm not looking to upset my future family-in-law but I also want the day to be about my fiance and I and not about wrangling a distracted 10 year old.
    Well this is really your FI decision, not yours.

    If you do include just call him a groomsman, no need for the junior title.  It will be obvious that he is young so no need to point out something obvious.

    Keep a seat open in the front row, next to a relative of his, that he can go and sit down in if he gets tired of standing during your ceremony.  As for pictures, get the main group photos done first thing and then if he gets bored allow him to go with a relative to cocktail hour while you finish up photos.

    As for the bolded, just because there may be a kid running amok doesn't mean that the day will no longer be about you and your FI.  Your guests won't start thinking "Oh this day isn't about so and so getting married, it is about watching this kid running around.  Silly me for getting that mixed up!"
    Thanks, Maggie. In response to your response, my FI's nephew has major focusing issues. Inherently I know his nephew won't overshadow our day. My concern is that he will be distracting to not only me but to others watching the ceremony, namely his mother who is in the wedding party and his grandparents who are constantly watching him to make sure he's not getting into trouble (something I can't change), as well as during the photos. (Kyle, stand still. Kyle, stay in line. Kyle, no talking). I appreciate your opinion, though.
    You realize that even if he is not in the wedding party he will be at the wedding right, so these things can happen, and it may be better if he is up there with those people they may be able to keep him in line better since they may see triggers that he is about to lose concentration.. Also (since in my head I hear is "This wedding isn't going to be all about memememe if this kid makes a sound" when you have posted so far) why not have the bridal party sit down during your vows? my son who was the 5 year old RB in the football hold, had an iPad on mute ready for him to watch his favorite Disney movie, and his beloved Thomas The Train in his hand, he sat through the whole wedding quietly, all I heard was the clicking of the train now when I hear him play with it it sends me back to that day and it makes me smile. Another kid of a guest yelled out "yea, good job" when the cantor stopped singing, cutest thing ever.. I am sure his mother and grandparents have a way to make him sit still, and or behave, does he get school pictures? are your pictures going to take hours and hours? how many will he actually be in? maybe get the "just groomsman" shots done before the wedding so it is less stressful for you since you most likely wont participate with the just guys pictures before the wedding..


    Great idea. And maybe I come across as wanting it to be all about me and if I'm being too self-absorbed I thank you for pointing it out.
    That is what we are here for to give you unbiased advice, and to keep the "it's my special day" attitude in check. Just try to remember this is you and your FI's event and that the people close to him are just as important as the people close to you.

    Change your name to something recognizable, and stick around since you can take criticism and advise well so far. You will learn a lot, and see that many of the people on here are great problem solvers. 
    You're right. And his nephew is very important to him. He does better when he has a task (handing out programs if we do them, helping to seat guests, etc) so I may suggest that he's part of the wedding but in a different role. Thanks, again!
    Do not ask someone to do a job that a basket will do. Being a part of a wedding is an honor, and handing out programs is a job- specifically one that a basket can do just fine- and even at 10 he can recognize that. 
    image
    ryanandjoe4OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueens[Deleted User]
  • That is what we are here for to give you unbiased advice, and to keep the "it's my special day" attitude in check. Just try to remember this is you and your FI's event and that the people close to him are just as important as the people close to you.

    Change your name to something recognizable, and stick around since you can take criticism and advise well so far. You will learn a lot, and see that many of the people on here are great problem solvers. 
    You're right. And his nephew is very important to him. He does better when he has a task (handing out programs if we do them, helping to seat guests, etc) so I may suggest that he's part of the wedding but in a different role. Thanks, again!
    Do not ask someone to do a job that a basket will do. Being a part of a wedding is an honor, and handing out programs is a job- specifically one that a basket can do just fine- and even at 10 he can recognize that. 
    Again, you listened to the other advise, but refuse to listen to this: This is your FI decision if he is a groomsman not in any way your decision stay out of it...
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  • That is what we are here for to give you unbiased advice, and to keep the "it's my special day" attitude in check. Just try to remember this is you and your FI's event and that the people close to him are just as important as the people close to you.

    Change your name to something recognizable, and stick around since you can take criticism and advise well so far. You will learn a lot, and see that many of the people on here are great problem solvers. 
    You're right. And his nephew is very important to him. He does better when he has a task (handing out programs if we do them, helping to seat guests, etc) so I may suggest that he's part of the wedding but in a different role. Thanks, again!
    Do not ask someone to do a job that a basket will do. Being a part of a wedding is an honor, and handing out programs is a job- specifically one that a basket can do just fine- and even at 10 he can recognize that. 
    Again, you listened to the other advise, but refuse to listen to this: This is your FI decision if he is a groomsman not in any way your decision stay out of it...
    Although I appreciate your opinion, I believe this decision should be made by both of us. I'm not refusing to listen to your advice. I just don't agree with you. I fully understand and agree that he should get the final say but until then, we discuss it together. My question was geared more toward not upsetting my FSIL because I had originally loved the idea but don't anymore and now his nephew has his hopes up.
  • justsie said:


    When my fiance and I got engaged, I chose his sister as one of my bridesmaids. She brought up the idea of having her son as a junior groomsman in our wedding. At the time I thought it was a great idea because my fiance and his nephew have a great relationship. However, the more I think about it the more I dislike the idea of having him be part of the wedding party. He's 10 years old and has a hard time focusing. I'm nervous that he will be a distraction during the ceremony and formal photographs.
    This past weekend my fiance's sister and his nephew were up visiting and the nephew blurted out that he wanted to be a junior groomsman in our wedding. My fiance's sister told him it wasn't appropriate to go asking for that title and I intentionally didn't bring it up the rest of the weekend. How do I tell her that I'm not comfortable adding her son to the wedding without upsetting her? Is this something I should just let go and allow him to be part of the wedding party? I'm not looking to upset my future family-in-law but I also want the day to be about my fiance and I and not about wrangling a distracted 10 year old.
    Well this is really your FI decision, not yours.

    If you do include just call him a groomsman, no need for the junior title.  It will be obvious that he is young so no need to point out something obvious.

    Keep a seat open in the front row, next to a relative of his, that he can go and sit down in if he gets tired of standing during your ceremony.  As for pictures, get the main group photos done first thing and then if he gets bored allow him to go with a relative to cocktail hour while you finish up photos.

    As for the bolded, just because there may be a kid running amok doesn't mean that the day will no longer be about you and your FI.  Your guests won't start thinking "Oh this day isn't about so and so getting married, it is about watching this kid running around.  Silly me for getting that mixed up!"
    Thanks, Maggie. In response to your response, my FI's nephew has major focusing issues. Inherently I know his nephew won't overshadow our day. My concern is that he will be distracting to not only me but to others watching the ceremony, namely his mother who is in the wedding party and his grandparents who are constantly watching him to make sure he's not getting into trouble (something I can't change), as well as during the photos. (Kyle, stand still. Kyle, stay in line. Kyle, no talking). I appreciate your opinion, though.
    You realize that even if he is not in the wedding party he will be at the wedding right, so these things can happen, and it may be better if he is up there with those people they may be able to keep him in line better since they may see triggers that he is about to lose concentration.. Also (since in my head I hear is "This wedding isn't going to be all about memememe if this kid makes a sound" when you have posted so far) why not have the bridal party sit down during your vows? my son who was the 5 year old RB in the football hold, had an iPad on mute ready for him to watch his favorite Disney movie, and his beloved Thomas The Train in his hand, he sat through the whole wedding quietly, all I heard was the clicking of the train now when I hear him play with it it sends me back to that day and it makes me smile. Another kid of a guest yelled out "yea, good job" when the cantor stopped singing, cutest thing ever.. I am sure his mother and grandparents have a way to make him sit still, and or behave, does he get school pictures? are your pictures going to take hours and hours? how many will he actually be in? maybe get the "just groomsman" shots done before the wedding so it is less stressful for you since you most likely wont participate with the just guys pictures before the wedding..


    Great idea. And maybe I come across as wanting it to be all about me and if I'm being too self-absorbed I thank you for pointing it out.
    That is what we are here for to give you unbiased advice, and to keep the "it's my special day" attitude in check. Just try to remember this is you and your FI's event and that the people close to him are just as important as the people close to you.

    Change your name to something recognizable, and stick around since you can take criticism and advise well so far. You will learn a lot, and see that many of the people on here are great problem solvers. 
    You're right. And his nephew is very important to him. He does better when he has a task (handing out programs if we do them, helping to seat guests, etc) so I may suggest that he's part of the wedding but in a different role. Thanks, again!
    Do not ask someone to do a job that a basket will do. Being a part of a wedding is an honor, and handing out programs is a job- specifically one that a basket can do just fine- and even at 10 he can recognize that. 
    Great point. What other tasks would you suggest I ask him to do that will keep him busy and also make him feel included?
  • That is what we are here for to give you unbiased advice, and to keep the "it's my special day" attitude in check. Just try to remember this is you and your FI's event and that the people close to him are just as important as the people close to you.

    Change your name to something recognizable, and stick around since you can take criticism and advise well so far. You will learn a lot, and see that many of the people on here are great problem solvers. 
    You're right. And his nephew is very important to him. He does better when he has a task (handing out programs if we do them, helping to seat guests, etc) so I may suggest that he's part of the wedding but in a different role. Thanks, again!
    Do not ask someone to do a job that a basket will do. Being a part of a wedding is an honor, and handing out programs is a job- specifically one that a basket can do just fine- and even at 10 he can recognize that. 
    Again, you listened to the other advise, but refuse to listen to this: This is your FI decision if he is a groomsman not in any way your decision stay out of it...
    Although I appreciate your opinion, I believe this decision should be made by both of us. I'm not refusing to listen to your advice. I just don't agree with you. I fully understand and agree that he should get the final say but until then, we discuss it together. My question was geared more toward not upsetting my FSIL because I had originally loved the idea but don't anymore and now his nephew has his hopes up.
    The problem is you are putting your FI in a rough spot not FSIL, your FI has to decide between your feelings and someone important to him. The only question should be does your FI want him in, or does he have the same fears? This is maybe one hour of the whole day, is it really worth telling your FI that he isn't allowed to have someone that is nearest and dearest to him not stand with him because you said you don't want the distraction from you?

    Put yourself in your FI shoes. Say he doesn't want your BM sally that you already discussed putting in to the wedding, but now he doesn't because she is overly dramatic and may take the focus off of him. She is super excited because maybe she got wind that you were going to ask her, or you already did ask.. what do you do? because at the end of the day it is a relationship damaging move to remove someone from your wedding party, and it sounds like since you were OK with it before someone let the cat out of the bag and he will be hurt if your FI, not you or FSIL, has to say he isn't in the wedding because he will take the focus off the bride and she just cant have that...

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    redoryx
  • Do not ask someone to do a job that a basket will do. Being a part of a wedding is an honor, and handing out programs is a job- specifically one that a basket can do just fine- and even at 10 he can recognize that. 
    Great point. What other tasks would you suggest I ask him to do that will keep him busy and also make him feel included?
    Tasks = work, Work = Hire someone.. you do not honor someone by giving them a job/task.
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    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]sparklepants41
  • Can he be a ring bearer? That way, he has an important role, but he won't need to stand up front for the entire ceremony. He'll just come up the aisle and then go sit with his grandparents. Any older than 10 and I wouldn't suggest it, but I think its a fine alternative. And if he doesn't want to do it, well then, y'all tried to include him and he can just attend as a guest.
    I think that's a great alternative. Thanks, SouthernBelle! In terms of logistics, would he walk down separately and stand to the side until we're ready for the rings? Sit in the front row and get up when we're ready? I have no experience with ring bearers so I can't picture it.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Can he be a ring bearer? That way, he has an important role, but he won't need to stand up front for the entire ceremony. He'll just come up the aisle and then go sit with his grandparents. Any older than 10 and I wouldn't suggest it, but I think its a fine alternative. And if he doesn't want to do it, well then, y'all tried to include him and he can just attend as a guest.
    I think that's a great alternative. Thanks, SouthernBelle! In terms of logistics, would he walk down separately and stand to the side until we're ready for the rings? Sit in the front row and get up when we're ready? I have no experience with ring bearers so I can't picture it.
    Depending on age, a RB can stand with the wedding party (generally next to the BM) for the whole ceremony or he can walk down the aisle, have a seat in the front next to his Grandparents and then bring up the rings when you are ready for them.

  • That is what we are here for to give you unbiased advice, and to keep the "it's my special day" attitude in check. Just try to remember this is you and your FI's event and that the people close to him are just as important as the people close to you.

    Change your name to something recognizable, and stick around since you can take criticism and advise well so far. You will learn a lot, and see that many of the people on here are great problem solvers. 
    You're right. And his nephew is very important to him. He does better when he has a task (handing out programs if we do them, helping to seat guests, etc) so I may suggest that he's part of the wedding but in a different role. Thanks, again!
    Do not ask someone to do a job that a basket will do. Being a part of a wedding is an honor, and handing out programs is a job- specifically one that a basket can do just fine- and even at 10 he can recognize that. 
    Again, you listened to the other advise, but refuse to listen to this: This is your FI decision if he is a groomsman not in any way your decision stay out of it...
    Although I appreciate your opinion, I believe this decision should be made by both of us. I'm not refusing to listen to your advice. I just don't agree with you. I fully understand and agree that he should get the final say but until then, we discuss it together. My question was geared more toward not upsetting my FSIL because I had originally loved the idea but don't anymore and now his nephew has his hopes up.
    The problem is you are putting your FI in a rough spot not FSIL, your FI has to decide between your feelings and someone important to him. The only question should be does your FI want him in, or does he have the same fears? This is maybe one hour of the whole day, is it really worth telling your FI that he isn't allowed to have someone that is nearest and dearest to him not stand with him because you said you don't want the distraction from you?

    Put yourself in your FI shoes. Say he doesn't want your BM sally that you already discussed putting in to the wedding, but now he doesn't because she is overly dramatic and may take the focus off of him. She is super excited because maybe she got wind that you were going to ask her, or you already did ask.. what do you do? because at the end of the day it is a relationship damaging move to remove someone from your wedding party, and it sounds like since you were OK with it before someone let the cat out of the bag and he will be hurt if your FI, not you or FSIL, has to say he isn't in the wedding because he will take the focus off the bride and she just cant have that...

    I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying. When I say he's distracting, I mean that his mother as well as various relatives will be constantly watching him to make sure he's behaving when they should be enjoying the ceremony. I think I've solved my own problem though. But thank you for your opinion.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    That is what we are here for to give you unbiased advice, and to keep the "it's my special day" attitude in check. Just try to remember this is you and your FI's event and that the people close to him are just as important as the people close to you.

    Change your name to something recognizable, and stick around since you can take criticism and advise well so far. You will learn a lot, and see that many of the people on here are great problem solvers. 
    You're right. And his nephew is very important to him. He does better when he has a task (handing out programs if we do them, helping to seat guests, etc) so I may suggest that he's part of the wedding but in a different role. Thanks, again!
    Do not ask someone to do a job that a basket will do. Being a part of a wedding is an honor, and handing out programs is a job- specifically one that a basket can do just fine- and even at 10 he can recognize that. 
    Again, you listened to the other advise, but refuse to listen to this: This is your FI decision if he is a groomsman not in any way your decision stay out of it...
    Although I appreciate your opinion, I believe this decision should be made by both of us. I'm not refusing to listen to your advice. I just don't agree with you. I fully understand and agree that he should get the final say but until then, we discuss it together. My question was geared more toward not upsetting my FSIL because I had originally loved the idea but don't anymore and now his nephew has his hopes up.
    The problem is you are putting your FI in a rough spot not FSIL, your FI has to decide between your feelings and someone important to him. The only question should be does your FI want him in, or does he have the same fears? This is maybe one hour of the whole day, is it really worth telling your FI that he isn't allowed to have someone that is nearest and dearest to him not stand with him because you said you don't want the distraction from you?

    Put yourself in your FI shoes. Say he doesn't want your BM sally that you already discussed putting in to the wedding, but now he doesn't because she is overly dramatic and may take the focus off of him. She is super excited because maybe she got wind that you were going to ask her, or you already did ask.. what do you do? because at the end of the day it is a relationship damaging move to remove someone from your wedding party, and it sounds like since you were OK with it before someone let the cat out of the bag and he will be hurt if your FI, not you or FSIL, has to say he isn't in the wedding because he will take the focus off the bride and she just cant have that...

    I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying. When I say he's distracting, I mean that his mother as well as various relatives will be constantly watching him to make sure he's behaving when they should be enjoying the ceremony. I think I've solved my own problem though. But thank you for your opinion.
    How would that be any different if he's not in the ceremony?
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    Maggie0829lc07

  • Although I appreciate your opinion, I believe this decision should be made by both of us. I'm not refusing to listen to your advice. I just don't agree with you. I fully understand and agree that he should get the final say but until then, we discuss it together. My question was geared more toward not upsetting my FSIL because I had originally loved the idea but don't anymore and now his nephew has his hopes up.
    The problem is you are putting your FI in a rough spot not FSIL, your FI has to decide between your feelings and someone important to him. The only question should be does your FI want him in, or does he have the same fears? This is maybe one hour of the whole day, is it really worth telling your FI that he isn't allowed to have someone that is nearest and dearest to him not stand with him because you said you don't want the distraction from you?

    Put yourself in your FI shoes. Say he doesn't want your BM sally that you already discussed putting in to the wedding, but now he doesn't because she is overly dramatic and may take the focus off of him. She is super excited because maybe she got wind that you were going to ask her, or you already did ask.. what do you do? because at the end of the day it is a relationship damaging move to remove someone from your wedding party, and it sounds like since you were OK with it before someone let the cat out of the bag and he will be hurt if your FI, not you or FSIL, has to say he isn't in the wedding because he will take the focus off the bride and she just cant have that...

    I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying. When I say he's distracting, I mean that his mother as well as various relatives will be constantly watching him to make sure he's behaving when they should be enjoying the ceremony. I think I've solved my own problem though. But thank you for your opinion.
    No I get it, you are worried about people being distracted from your day, by what sounds like a typical 10 year old that doesn't sit still. What PP and I have said is if he attends your wedding, as a guest or as an honoree he will either behave or distract, so stop stressing and let your FI make his decision and don't force him to let his nephew down..
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    [Deleted User]
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    FWIW, OP - when my brother got married my nephew was 3 and was RB.  Now, its a huge age difference, I know, but there were similarities between your description of my nephew and your FI's nephew.  My nephew wore an Eagles hat and wouldn't take it off, ceremony and family pictures afterwards.  My nephew also carried his stuffed elephant, Eddie, the whole time.  Eddie was dressed in a tux, so he fit the formality.  My nephew also sort of roamed around the chapel between standing next to his dad (the BM), my parents in the front row, and his mom in the 2nd or 3rd row.  He did not cause a distraction for anyone present.

    At my wedding a year and a half later, that same nephew did not wear his Eagles hat, but did carry Eddie.  He sat with his mom and dad in the 2nd row the whole time after he walked down the aisle.  Eddie still wore his tux!

    Then another year and a half later, that same nephew was again a RB in my sisters wedding.  He sat in the front row with me after walking down the aisle.  Eddie was still there in his tux.  And prior to us all being announced into the reception, here is where he started to have a melt down.  He was crying and very upset.  He walked into the reception with his cousin and walked directly to his parents, Eddie under his arm.

    This whole story is to tell you that anything can happen when you have a child in your wedding.  You just have to roll with the punches of what can happen.  For my nephew, Eddie is a very calming presence, which is why he has always been included.  Eddie makes a great addition to our family portraits, you just have to have a little bit of humor.  If there is something that makes this 10 year old calm (minus a noise making machine), then allow him to bring it and carry it with him.  But I think this entire decision should lie with your FI.

    ryanandjoe4[Deleted User]
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