To Invite or Not to Invite an Aunt Who Hates my Fiance

Knottie72544239

My Fiance and I recently spent a week at my families time share and my aunt stayed with us for a few days. It was the first time she had ever met my fiance and in less than 24 hours she had determined that she did not like him and she wasn't exactly shy about it. She pulled me aside to express her dislike and worry about my fiance, she ignored him and barley spoke to him with the exception of her telling him we rushed our engagement, and also said quite a few negative things to my mother. Her attitude and commentary eventually turned into tension between everyone and made for a very poor vacation. 

At this point I am very hurt by her actions and comments and I am extremely torn regarding inviting her to our wedding. If she can't be happy for me and will only keep the negative commentary going at the wedding I do not want her there, however I worry that the drama that will come from me not inviting her will be much more stressful and difficult to deal with. 

mileybangerz

Knottie72544239 said:

My Fiance and I recently spent a week at my families time share and my aunt stayed with us for a few days. It was the first time she had ever met my fiance and in less than 24 hours she had determined that she did not like him and she wasn't exactly shy about it. She pulled me aside to express her dislike and worry about my fiance, she ignored him and barley spoke to him with the exception of her telling him we rushed our engagement, and also said quite a few negative things to my mother. Her attitude and commentary eventually turned into tension between everyone and made for a very poor vacation. 

At this point I am very hurt by her actions and comments and I am extremely torn regarding inviting her to our wedding. If she can't be happy for me and will only keep the negative commentary going at the wedding I do not want her there, however I worry that the drama that will come from me not inviting her will be much more stressful and difficult to deal with. 

Few questions:

How far out is your wedding? Do you need to make decisions on the invite list now?
Who's paying?  If your parents are paying and they want this aunt there, you won't have much ground to stand on.
What are your family dynamics?  Let's say that Aunt Phyllis is your mom's sister and they have 2 other brothers.  If your mom is equally close to Aunt Phyllis as she is to your two uncles, then it would look pretty bad not to invite her.


IMO, invite her.  If she is so adamantly against the union, she'll likely decline.  But at least you have done your part.  If she says some tacky things at the wedding, it will reflect poorly on her (not you).  And unless she somehow grabs the microphone and goes on a tirade, I doubt you'll notice her being a gossipy busybody during your wedding / reception.

ryanandjoe4

Knottie72544239 said:

My Fiance and I recently spent a week at my families time share and my aunt stayed with us for a few days. It was the first time she had ever met my fiance and in less than 24 hours she had determined that she did not like him and she wasn't exactly shy about it. She pulled me aside to express her dislike and worry about my fiance, she ignored him and barley spoke to him with the exception of her telling him we rushed our engagement, and also said quite a few negative things to my mother. Her attitude and commentary eventually turned into tension between everyone and made for a very poor vacation. 

At this point I am very hurt by her actions and comments and I am extremely torn regarding inviting her to our wedding. If she can't be happy for me and will only keep the negative commentary going at the wedding I do not want her there, however I worry that the drama that will come from me not inviting her will be much more stressful and difficult to deal with. 

First take a step back why did she say she disliked him? we can't give you good advice without a better discription of the issue. maybe she has a real reason not to like him, and is trying to get through to you and your family? maybe she just has a weird feeling? We don't know..

With out all the information:

Have you actually talked to this aunt and not just through others, and said to her, "aunt, we are hurt by your comments, and would appreciate if you kept them you yourself, if you can not then we are worried it will effect our relationship in the future" (notice how I didn't mention a wedding or "our day" at all..) This is bigger than the one day that will be your wedding day. Sit down with her just you and her listen to what she says, and take the wedding hat off for this conversation.

thisismynickname2

PPs covered excellent points. 

Ultimately, once everything is taken into consideration, what'll likely happen is that you invite her to be the bigger person and let it reflect on her if she does not come or voices disapproval to anyone else. 

climbingsingle

In this situation, I'd just be the bigger person and invite her. 

Did she tell you why she dislikes your FI? 

Jen4948

As with PP, I'd have to know what your aunt said in order to give useful advice. I'd also need to know: What is your aunt like otherwise? Is she a nasty person in general, or could something specific about your FI have set it off? If it was something specific, did he say or do something to her that was hurtful and/or inappropriate?

If your aunt hasn't said what about your FI she has a problem with, I'd ask her first: "Aunt, it's clear that you don't like FI, but I don't understand why. Can you please explain?" and then see where things go from there. If it's minor, or if she's just being a jerk, I'd respond, "I'm sorry you feel that way about him" but not engage her further. I'd probably still invite her to the wedding but have security available to remove her and any other guests if necessary. If she's so much of a jerk that inviting her just isn't worth it, then I'd leave her out and tell whoever, "Her attitude to our engagement warranted her not being invited" and bean-dip or otherwise indicate that the subject is closed.

But if she says that your FI has a serious problem, then I'd consider looking into it to see if her dislike is based on anything rational, and if it is, to do something about it if that's called for.