Moms and Maids

Not asking sister to be a BM (vent/rant)

I was my sister's MOH for her "wedding" back in April 2010. She previously ran off to Vegas to get married in June (ish) 2009, after only dating this guy for 6-7 months.

They have been married for about 5 years and are now getting divorced (sarcastic gasp)

She started dating this guy a few months ago and neither one of them are officially divorced yet. She just sent in the papers last week and is now talking about having a destination wedding on a cruise and "whoever can make it, can come", she is also showing me pins of cute baby bump/announcement pictures. I am having a hard time being supportive and understanding because I feel like she is jumping from one bad decision to the next. I feel that she is not a good example of what marriage is and that's why she will not be a bridesmaid.

Am I way off base for thinking this way?
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Re: Not asking sister to be a BM (vent/rant)

  • peachy13peachy13 in my cubicle, doing very important work member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I was my sister's MOH for her "wedding" back in April 2010. She previously ran off to Vegas to get married in June (ish) 2009, after only dating this guy for 6-7 months.

    They have been married for about 5 years and are now getting divorced (sarcastic gasp)

    She started dating this guy a few months ago and neither one of them are officially divorced yet. She just sent in the papers last week and is now talking about having a destination wedding on a cruise and "whoever can make it, can come", she is also showing me pins of cute baby bump/announcement pictures. I am having a hard time being supportive and understanding because I feel like she is jumping from one bad decision to the next. I feel that she is not a good example of what marriage is and that's why she will not be a bridesmaid.

    Am I way off base for thinking this way?


    Honestly, I think you're being a bit harsh to your sister. Many couples get divorced after far less than 5 years, and the process is painful and long. It sounds like she found someone in a similar situation and is already pretty excited about a fresh start and potential future with him... I don't see why her new relationship would prevent you from asking her to be in your bridal party. Also, not sure when your wedding is but your username has 2017 in it... try waiting a little longer before making your bridal party decision.
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    InLoveInQueenswink0erin[Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I wouldn't use her relationships as the basis for choosing or not choosing her as a bridesmaid.

    Bridesmaids and groomsmen aren't supposed to be "examples of happy marriages" for you to emulate (although it's great when they are!) but the people to whom you are closest. Leaving them out for the reason you describe in your post can be very hurtful to her as well as an intrusive and judgmental smack in the face.

    I have a good friend who has been in and out of relationships of her own and I would be very hesitant to trust her judgment when it comes to relationships, but she's been a wonderful friend in many other ways so I wouldn't think twice about asking her to be my bridesmaid.
    wink0erinHeffalump[Deleted User]
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
  • We are not close at all. It was honestly kinda awkward when she asked me to be in her "wedding". FI and I are not religious. However, she was baptized and confirmed before her "wedding" in April otherwise she could not get married in the Catholic church. Since the split, she has not been to church since. Total sham.

    I'm not looking for people with a "perfect marriage", just ones that honor and appreciate the sanctity of it. I am having my cousin who is married and a friend who is also married standing up with me. Their marriages are not perfect (nobody's is) but what I see in their relationships is what I aspire to have in mine, and I know I would be able to go to them with any problems that might come up.

    My mother and I believe that all she wants is to be a Mrs and it doesn't matter who the Mr is. She has driven many boyfriends away with her need to be married.
  • Nothing you have described is reason to exclude your sister if she is your nearest and dearest...

    All this post says to me is your a judgmental person that expects perfection from others when life is not perfect, and every view of perfect is completely different. For example, my view of a perfect horse: is a thick built quarter horse cutting cattle, my best friends perfect horse is a tall warm-blood doing dressage, does that mean she is not qualified to stand with me on my most important day, nope she was there.
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  • We are not close at all. It was honestly kinda awkward when she asked me to be in her "wedding". FI and I are not religious. However, she was baptized and confirmed before her "wedding" in April otherwise she could not get married in the Catholic church. Since the split, she has not been to church since. Total sham.

    I'm not looking for people with a "perfect marriage", just ones that honor and appreciate the sanctity of it. I am having my cousin who is married and a friend who is also married standing up with me. Their marriages are not perfect (nobody's is) but what I see in their relationships is what I aspire to have in mine, and I know I would be able to go to them with any problems that might come up.

    My mother and I believe that all she wants is to be a Mrs and it doesn't matter who the Mr is. She has driven many boyfriends away with her need to be married.

    If you aren't close to her then really that's the best reason not to ask her to be in the bridal party. If you aren't close to her then that can cut her out of the running before you even take her marriage into it.
    I realize you're venting, but you sound very judgmental of her. Lots of people get married too young/too soon/to the wrong person. And sometimes staying in the relationship just for the sake of "the sanctity of marriage" isn't what's best for these people or any [future] children. I think if you tell people you aren't having your sister in your wedding party because she didn't do her marriage right you are going to be judged like crazy.

    So do what you want, but I would definitely go with "we aren't that close" if anyone is rude enough to ask why your sister isn't in your wedding party. Bringing her marriage into it will put you in a really bad light in most people's eyes.
    JediElizabethOliveOilsMomwink0erin[Deleted User]
  • I have a similar sister... She had a short engagement, followed by a pregnancy and elopement. He was extremely abusive to her and their subsequent 3 children.  It took 3 years for the divorce to be finalized... and another 3 years for her to get sole-custody of the kids. She dated long before it was final. It's not that uncommon, especially if it is a prolonged divorce.  She and her older 2 boys have been in counseling, which I think has helped.  She has had major trust issues since her first husband.  We try to remind her that whatever decisions she makes, it has to be what is best for the boys.

    About a year ago, we got a call saying "I'm engaged!" We all responded with "To who?"   We aren't the guy's biggest fan. They are on and off constantly (which takes its toll on the boys), and he comes across as controlling, given her history, we are concerned.  He is a devout Catholic, and she and the kids have been attending mass with him regularly.  She is in the process of converting and planning the wedding through the church (when they are on). The conversion process has slowed things down (thankfully).  As a family concerned for her and the boys, we breathe a little easier knowing she and the boys are at least getting counseling through the church (the boys get it through other programs too).

    OP, I say all of this because you feel that your sister takes marriage lightheartedly.  The end of a marriage is like a death in the family.  Very few divorces are clean and happy.  Divorces are messy, painful, and take a toll on every aspect of your life.  Many experience financial ruin and need to start from scratch... Your sister may be using this as a way to move on with her life.

    Not all fast relationships are bad.  Everyone moves at their own pace.  My grandparents met on a blind date and were engaged by the end of the night.  They were married 6 weeks later.  If my grandma hadn't recently passed, they would have celebrated 60 years together next April.  My grandpa is literally dying of a broken heart.  Some quick relationships can be very successful. Try not to be quick to judge (unless of course he shows signs of an abuser, then by all means speak up).

    OP, if you are concerned about your sister's well-being, be it mental, physical, financial, or otherwise, suggest that she talk to a counselor.  Divorce takes its toll on everybody.  Her motives for remarrying may not be solely love.  She may be looking for financial security, protection, benefits, a self-esteem boost, companionship, something to be excited about... the list goes on and on.  As much as you don't like the decisions she is making, try to at least talk with her about everything.  While happiness is desirable, a person's total well-being should be the priority.

    As PP stated, you are under no obligation to have her as a BM if you do not want her standing there, but you may regret it later.  Does she expect to be a BM?  If you are not getting married until 2017, you have plenty of time to think it through.

    I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with understanding your sister's choices.  I hope over time things get better between the two of you.  Do your best to try to be a good sister. 
    OliveOilsMomswitSwoo00
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    OP - it sounds like your sister is not your nearest and dearest. That's the only reason you need to not have her as a BM. Everything else is irrelevant.
    So much this.

  • From what I see, your disagreement with your sister's personal choices is driving a wedge between you (at least on your side of the equation). If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. I understand feeling distant from a sibling because you feel they are making a wrong decision. However, I also acknowledge when they make those decisions that my choice to be a part of their lives and to allow them to be a part of mine is still my choice. If you really feel like you don't want her to be standing beside you on the day of your wedding, that's all. I don't know that I'd advise telling her about that.

    My sister recently made a choice I didn't agree with-- a big one. Life altering. When she did, the majority of the family (she'd moved back in with my parents for a short time, then moved back with her boyfriend/ex-FI) told her that, while we didn't agree with her decision, we respected that it's hers to make and will always be here for her and her family. Two family members decided to use the situation as a wedge. They haven't spoken in months. Christmas this year (the only time I see my family) is going to be awkward. If my sister ends up marrying her boyfriend, with whom she recently broke off an engagement, family functions will be awkward potentially for the rest of our lives. All because two family members (brother and SIL) decided to hold her choice against her, rather than showing love and acceptance.

    My sister, despite making a choice that I would not have chosen, is still my MOH for my wedding. Why? Because I love her, because I always want her to be a part of my life, because she's been with me through quite a bit, because she will always be my sister, because I value her as a person, because I recognize that she is an adult and I respect her decisions even when I don't agree with them. I would regret not having her with me to say, "Oh Jeez," when I tear up the tenth time while getting ready, or to tell me how beautiful I look in my gown, or to squeeze my hand before she walks down the aisle in front of me.

    If you don't feel that way about your sister, maybe that's why you shouldn't have her beside you.





    ryanandjoe4kimmiinthemitten
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    nerdwife said:
    The other day someone was saying that bridesmaids had to be single. Now this person is saying that not only do they have to be married, but they have to be in a marriage she personally finds respectable.

    What.
    I wonder how many actual friends these people have. I'm sad for people who seem to think that people need to fit into these perfect little molds of what they believe in to be close to them. 
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  • nerdwife said:
    The other day someone was saying that bridesmaids had to be single. Now this person is saying that not only do they have to be married, but they have to be in a marriage she personally finds respectable.

    What.

    --------------------------

    I never said that they have to be married to stand up with me, I have 4 others (3 BM, 1 MOH) who are not married standing up.

  • nerdwife said:
    The other day someone was saying that bridesmaids had to be single. Now this person is saying that not only do they have to be married, but they have to be in a marriage she personally finds respectable.

    What.
    I wonder how many actual friends these people have. I'm sad for people who seem to think that people need to fit into these perfect little molds of what they believe in to be close to them.

    ---------------------------
    I have plenty friends, 6 of them are standing up with me. I surround myself with the ones who I choose to. I'm sad for you who think that someone else is wrong for standing up for themselves and only including certain people in their lives. Quality over quantity.

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We are not close at all. It was honestly kinda awkward when she asked me to be in her "wedding". FI and I are not religious. However, she was baptized and confirmed before her "wedding" in April otherwise she could not get married in the Catholic church. Since the split, she has not been to church since. Total sham.

    I'm not looking for people with a "perfect marriage", just ones that honor and appreciate the sanctity of it. I am having my cousin who is married and a friend who is also married standing up with me. Their marriages are not perfect (nobody's is) but what I see in their relationships is what I aspire to have in mine, and I know I would be able to go to them with any problems that might come up.

    My mother and I believe that all she wants is to be a Mrs and it doesn't matter who the Mr is. She has driven many boyfriends away with her need to be married.

    It actually sounds like your sister got incorrect advice from either a priest or lay person who helps coordinate weddings at the Church.  Your sister did not need to convert to Catholicism.  Also, since your sister did convert, their "wedding" was actually a Convalidation ceremony - so it was not a fake wedding, but a necessary sacrament for a practicing Catholic.  In the Catholic faith, a wedding is a sacrament.  Since your sister was already married the Convalidation should have been a smaller private ceremony.  But that is also not always the case.  Since your sister most likely converted due to incorrect information (they could have become married in the Church without her conversion), I think it would be normal for her to now stop attending. 

     I really think you need to give your sister a break on a lot of these "issues" you have with her.  You are very judgmental of her life choices.  My sister has not always made the best choices, but I have always loved her because she's my sister and accepted the choices she made because it was her life to make those choices for.  Your posts make it sound like you don't even like your sister.

    So save her from being in your wedding, she clearly could not ever live up to your standards.

    kimmiinthemitten
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    nerdwife said:
    The other day someone was saying that bridesmaids had to be single. Now this person is saying that not only do they have to be married, but they have to be in a marriage she personally finds respectable.

    What.
    I wonder how many actual friends these people have. I'm sad for people who seem to think that people need to fit into these perfect little molds of what they believe in to be close to them.

    ---------------------------
    I have plenty friends, 6 of them are standing up with me. I surround myself with the ones who I choose to. I'm sad for you who think that someone else is wrong for standing up for themselves and only including certain people in their lives. Quality over quantity.

    My comment was a general one and not specifically towards you, but I find it quite telling that took it so personally.
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    kimmiinthemittenryanandjoe4
  • Am I the only one who doesn't understand why "wedding" is in quotes??

    Does OP not know how to use quotes like Joey?
    image
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    They are in quotes because it was more of a PPD than an actual wedding. I just don't really care for the whole PPD phrase.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I feel that she is not a good example of what marriage is and that's why she will not be a bridesmaid.
    Judgy much???
    InLoveInQueenswink0erin
  • I feel that she is not a good example of what marriage is and that's why she will not be a bridesmaid.
    Judgy much???

    ----------------------------
    Absolutely! She's my sister, so I feel it's more acceptable to judge her than a complete stranger....

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2015
    I feel that she is not a good example of what marriage is and that's why she will not be a bridesmaid.
    Judgy much???

    ----------------------------
    Absolutely! She's my sister, so I feel it's more acceptable to judge her than a complete stranger....

    Good grief. 

    Look, my brother's marriage ended after 5 months.  I think he & his ex handled things horribly.  But he's still my brother.  I'm already married, but if I were planning a wedding, I would ask him to stand by my side in a heartbeat because I love him and we are close.

    ETA:  Just because I think he handled things poorly does not mean that I judge him.
    nerdwiferandomslovewink0erin
  • I feel that she is not a good example of what marriage is and that's why she will not be a bridesmaid.
    Judgy much???

    ----------------------------
    Absolutely! She's my sister, so I feel it's more acceptable to judge her than a complete stranger....

    Good grief. 

    Look, my brother's marriage ended after 5 months.  I think he & his ex handled things horribly.  But he's still my brother.  I'm already married, but if I were planning a wedding, I would ask him to stand by my side in a heartbeat because I love him and we are close.

    ETA:  Just because I think he handled things poorly does not mean that I judge him.

    ---------------------
    The difference is that you are close to your brother. I am not close to my sister. Ever since she beat the pulp out of me because I wouldn't let her drive home drunk, things have not been so rosey between us. I am also harboring bad feelings toward her because at her rehearsal, she said that nobody was giving her away/walking down the aisle with her, while our dad was 5 feet away! He was crushed. I could care less about my sister's feelings because she does the same shit right back.

    I am grateful that my brother and I have a great relationship, and he is standing up on FI's side (brother's GF is one of my BM).

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I feel that she is not a good example of what marriage is and that's why she will not be a bridesmaid.
    Judgy much???

    ----------------------------
    Absolutely! She's my sister, so I feel it's more acceptable to judge her than a complete stranger....

    image

    So your sister, in your eyes, is not a good example of what marriage is.  So are you only inviting people to your wedding who you think show a good example of what marriage is?  So only people who are married are getting an invite?  And are you going to do a thorough background check into their marriages to make sure that they meet your approval?

    Sorry but your posts reek of judgement and nastiness.

  • I feel that she is not a good example of what marriage is and that's why she will not be a bridesmaid.
    Judgy much???

    ----------------------------
    Absolutely! She's my sister, so I feel it's more acceptable to judge her than a complete stranger....

    image

    So your sister, in your eyes, is not a good example of what marriage is.  So are you only inviting people to your wedding who you think show a good example of what marriage is?  So only people who are married are getting an invite?  And are you going to do a thorough background check into their marriages to make sure that they meet your approval?

    Sorry but your posts reek of judgement and nastiness.

    --------------------------
    I never said that only perfectly married people are invited, this is only geared toward my sister. All that work would be too much.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I feel that she is not a good example of what marriage is and that's why she will not be a bridesmaid.
    Judgy much???

    ----------------------------
    Absolutely! She's my sister, so I feel it's more acceptable to judge her than a complete stranger....

    image

    So your sister, in your eyes, is not a good example of what marriage is.  So are you only inviting people to your wedding who you think show a good example of what marriage is?  So only people who are married are getting an invite?  And are you going to do a thorough background check into their marriages to make sure that they meet your approval?

    Sorry but your posts reek of judgement and nastiness.

    --------------------------
    I never said that only perfectly married people are invited, this is only geared toward my sister. All that work would be too much.

    Ahh yes, because that makes it so much better.

    ryanandjoe4holyguacamole79
  • your asking for advice on a public forum, and then getting defensive when people are honest with you, we didnt know your backstory, you didn't state if you were close with her or not, all you did was rant about how horrible of an example she is for marriage..

    my mother has been divorced 3 times and widower once, we have a rocky past that we are all over, and she walked and was invited to my wedding..

    my grandparents are greedy assholes who put money and things before family, they have turned their backs on us, and I genually dont want to see their faces.. so no they didn't come to the wedding.

    It isn't about the example they set, it is about your closeness to them. now that you have said your not close, she is not a bridesmaid... that is the only reason you need, the others are just you being a judgmental ass..

    Also no just because you share DNA does not give you the right to treat people like shit, and being so judgmental is treting her like shit. 
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2015



    I feel that she is not a good example of what marriage is and that's why she will not be a bridesmaid.



    Absolutely! She's my sister, so I feel it's more acceptable to judge her than a complete stranger....



    I never said that only perfectly married people are invited, this is only geared toward my sister. All that work would be too much.



    Real people don't lack this much self-awareness.

    Why are we feeding the troll?
    kimmiinthemittenryanandjoe4
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