Vent: I think my FMIL is a racist

RlovesR

A bit of background:  I was adopted as an infant.  I'm black; my adoptive family (who I really just refer to as my family) are white aside from some biracial cousins.  My FI is white and so is all of his family.  

My FMIL has always been a bit distant to me.  But she's a bit chilly to my FI as well; he says that's just who she is.  It hasn't been a big deal, since she lives nowhere near us.  But she's come to visit us for a week (her idea - she wanted to see where we are with wedding planning) and I'm picking up on a really unsettling vibe.

My FI proposed using his paternal late grandmother's ring, which his father gave him for the proposal (FMIL and FFIL are divorced; I get along great with FFIL).  FMIL made a comment about how it was good he hadn't asked for her mother's ring, since her mother wouldn't have wanted it to go to someone like me.  Okay, ouch, but she didn't say she shared that opinion so I let it go.  Then, I heard her laughing on the phone with someone about how she's going to have to give her future grandchildren Oreos and take them to the zoo to see the zebras.  I asked my FI to talk to her, and he said that she said she was sorry and she hadn't realized how it would sound.  

But today, when we were talking about dresses, I showed her one that I really like from the Alfred Angelo Disney collection - one of the Cinderellas.  And she immediately pointed to the Tiana dress, worn by a black model, and asked if I didn't think that would be more appropriate with my hair (which I wear in dreads).

I cannot wait until this woman leaves.  I am so glad she and FI aren't close, since the less I have to do with her the happier I will be.  FI feels awful about all of this and keeps saying that she's never made a comment about my race to him and that maybe if I spend more time with her she'll come around.  But I don't want to spend special, getting over your racism time with her.  I just want her to go away.

Jen4948

Your FI has to stop being defensive about his mother and to stop expecting you to spend time with her while she makes those comments. They are inexcusable and unacceptable.

You can and should also stand up for yourself when she says those things to you: "FMIL, I don't know why you feel the need to make these kinds of comments to me, but I'm not okay with them. Please don't do it again. I don't find them to be funny, clever, original, or appropriate."

Honestly, I'd put wedding planning on hold while you get this sorted out. Counseling, with or without your FI, might be helpful.

JediElizabeth

Knottie1443179908 said:

A bit of background:  I was adopted as an infant.  I'm black; my adoptive family (who I really just refer to as my family) are white aside from some biracial cousins.  My FI is white and so is all of his family.  

My FMIL has always been a bit distant to me.  But she's a bit chilly to my FI as well; he says that's just who she is.  It hasn't been a big deal, since she lives nowhere near us.  But she's come to visit us for a week (her idea - she wanted to see where we are with wedding planning) and I'm picking up on a really unsettling vibe.

My FI proposed using his paternal late grandmother's ring, which his father gave him for the proposal (FMIL and FFIL are divorced; I get along great with FFIL).  FMIL made a comment about how it was good he hadn't asked for her mother's ring, since her mother wouldn't have wanted it to go to someone like me.  Okay, ouch, but she didn't say she shared that opinion so I let it go.  Then, I heard her laughing on the phone with someone about how she's going to have to give her future grandchildren Oreos and take them to the zoo to see the zebras.  I asked my FI to talk to her, and he said that she said she was sorry and she hadn't realized how it would sound.  

But today, when we were talking about dresses, I showed her one that I really like from the Alfred Angelo Disney collection - one of the Cinderellas.  And she immediately pointed to the Tiana dress, worn by a black model, and asked if I didn't think that would be more appropriate with my hair (which I wear in dreads).

I cannot wait until this woman leaves.  I am so glad she and FI aren't close, since the less I have to do with her the happier I will be.  FI feels awful about all of this and keeps saying that she's never made a comment about my race to him and that maybe if I spend more time with her she'll come around.  But I don't want to spend special, getting over your racism time with her.  I just want her to go away.

Oh my god. She sounds incredibly ignorant, and that's the most generous and way to describe her.

Thank goodness she doesn't live nearby or interact with you and you FI regularly. I hope she's gone soon.

To the bolded: don't. It's not your job to be an ambassador of your race. She needs to educate herself, and your FI should be having those conversations or giving her the right resources.

southernbelle0915

Knottie1443179908 said:

A bit of background:  I was adopted as an infant.  I'm black; my adoptive family (who I really just refer to as my family) are white aside from some biracial cousins.  My FI is white and so is all of his family.  

My FMIL has always been a bit distant to me.  But she's a bit chilly to my FI as well; he says that's just who she is.  It hasn't been a big deal, since she lives nowhere near us.  But she's come to visit us for a week (her idea - she wanted to see where we are with wedding planning) and I'm picking up on a really unsettling vibe.

My FI proposed using his paternal late grandmother's ring, which his father gave him for the proposal (FMIL and FFIL are divorced; I get along great with FFIL).  FMIL made a comment about how it was good he hadn't asked for her mother's ring, since her mother wouldn't have wanted it to go to someone like me.  Okay, ouch, but she didn't say she shared that opinion so I let it go.  Then, I heard her laughing on the phone with someone about how she's going to have to give her future grandchildren Oreos and take them to the zoo to see the zebras.  I asked my FI to talk to her, and he said that she said she was sorry and she hadn't realized how it would sound.  

But today, when we were talking about dresses, I showed her one that I really like from the Alfred Angelo Disney collection - one of the Cinderellas.  And she immediately pointed to the Tiana dress, worn by a black model, and asked if I didn't think that would be more appropriate with my hair (which I wear in dreads).

I cannot wait until this woman leaves.  I am so glad she and FI aren't close, since the less I have to do with her the happier I will be.  FI feels awful about all of this and keeps saying that she's never made a comment about my race to him and that maybe if I spend more time with her she'll come around.  But I don't want to spend special, getting over your racism time with her.  I just want her to go away.

Wow. I'm so sorry. Those Oreo and zebra comments are TERRIBLE. Like really awful.

Our society has come a long way but we aren't "there" yet. FMIL isn't the last person who will make racist comments to/about you.

That said, your FI needs to get used to defending you and your relationship. He can start with his mom and call her out every single time she says something ignorant.

And he should really have a convo with her about the future. Because, if I were you, no way in hell would I send my biracial kids to racist grandma's house... Perhaps she doesn't understand that her actions have consequences.

kimmiinthemitten

Ugh. I'm so sorry. I had a racist grandmother but didn't realize it until my biracial brother came over one day in her early stages of dementia, so I agree with PP about the consequences if you choose to expand your family. But first and foremost you and your FI must be on the same page. It's not your job to convert the racists, regardless of who they are. However, as his mother it is his job to manage conflict with her and let her know her behavior is rude, uncalled for and will not be tolerated. I would continue the conversation with him on a regular basis. Use a counselor if it helps.

CMGragain

My late mother was a racist.  She embarrassed me many times.  One, in a public restaurant with my in-laws (who have bi-racial grandchildren) she shouted "The red bird does not mate with the black bird!" and went on a rant about white supremacy. She did NOT have dementia.

My daughter dated a man of African-American ancestry, and she had a fit.  The "n" word was used.  I told her that I had some extra white sheets, and I would cut some holes in one and she could join the Klan.
Daughter finally married a man of Chinese-American heritage.  Thank God, Mother didn't come to the wedding.  They did meet two years later, but she didn't say much to him.  (Thank goodness!)

Mom died two years ago, and nobody cried at her funeral.  There is an old saying that you reap what you sow.

I have a gorgeous grandson, and I am very pleased that he never knew his great-grandmother.  You can't change people who are this ignorant.  Just hold your head up, and know that if she continues this behavior, she probably won't get to see her grandchildren very often.  I'll bet that your FI is humiliated when she talks racist trash.

downtondiva

Wow. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

I think you and FI need to have a long, serious discussion about dealing with his mother, and that discussion should NOT include what you can do to change her mind about people of different races. That isn't your job. Get a counselor involved if you have to, as others have suggested. This should be prioritized over any wedding planning.

Then I'd say FMIL needs an ultimatum from her son. If she's not more respectful, she won't be seeing him very often and certainly not your future children. Then of course, you guys will need to follow through on that if she doesn't change her ways.

I get that the world has changed a lot in the past few decades and some have not kept up with the times. But anyone who would make fun of their own future grandchildren like that shouldn't be allowed near them.

justsie

OP I agree with PP's, your FI needs to stand up for you and your relationship to his mother. It is not your job to educate her just because you were born of a certain race. 

Honestly I don't know how you haven't told her to just shove it yet she sounds like the queen of passive aggressive racist remarks. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

OliveOilsMom

Your FI needs to step in on your behalf.  I'm glad that he said something once before when you overheard her hurtful comments.  But he needs to reinforce to her that you are the most important thing to him and he won't tolerate her treatment of you.

But I also think you don't have to sit by and say nothing.  Dear Abby always has a great comeback when someone says something that is hurtful and its to turn it back onto the rude person.  That simple line is "Why would you say that?"  Then just stare waiting for the answer.  

That answer probably won't ever come, but it could start identifying in her mind things she should not say out loud.  You probably can't stop her from thinking those thoughts, unfortunately, but maybe she would stop saying them out loud.

I'm sorry this is something you have to deal with.  This is something no one should have to deal with.

RlovesR

Everyone, I really can't thank you enough for your support and advice.

I ended up showing my FI this thread, and pointing out that there's not a single person on here who thinks that this is something I should tolerate or that I'm going to be able to change her opinion.  I said that I was disappointed that she hadn't done more to shut down her behavior, which is something I don't think I was able to articulate even to myself before.  He apologized, and said that because I'm usually such a non-confrontational person he assumed I'd want to keep this low-key as well and just get through it.  I pointed out that this isn't a small thing to just be endured until it ends, but something  that's going to be an ongoing issue in our lives and that we need to set a precedent for how to deal with it.  After all, she's not just some random cousin we can leave out of dinner parties. She's his mother.

Long story short, we had a long talk, he gave her an ultimatum about how both I and our future children are to be treated and she's decided to leave tomorrow (2 days early).  She made some noise about not coming to the wedding at all, and he told her that it's fine if she chooses to decline an invitation after she receives it, but that if she continues to treat me badly she's going to have that choice taken away from her.

I really, really don't like that this is how things have to be, but it's not on or up to me.  If she can be kind, then she can be involved in our lives and the lives of her future grandchildren.  As my FI said, it's in her court now.

Thanks as well to those who pointed out I should have said something to her myself.  You're very right.  I have a real tendency to freeze up in confrontational situations.  It's something I'm working on in general.

We're actually having pre-marital counseling already (it's just something we decided to do, since we both have divorced siblings and who say they wish they had made the time to do this before getting married) and we've agreed to discuss this with the counselor next session.  

For now, we're going out for dinner just the two of us.  I think we both could use some good wine, a chance to de-stress and a hot, boiled lobster!

arrrghmatey

Wow, I'm so, SO sorry you are having to put up with such ignorant behavior from your FMIL. Bu I'm glad to hear that your FI stood up against his mother for you and your relationship. And also that he called her bluff on not coming to the wedding. BRAVO. If she decides to come, perhaps she would have checked her awful behavior. If she doesn't come, you are better off despite her being your FI's mother. You two do not need someone that poisonous and hateful in your new lives together. And especially if you have children in the future--I definitely would not want someone like her around my children!

Good luck to you in your wedding planning! Try to enjoy the journey as best you can!

justsie

I'm glad to read your update OP! 

OliveOilsMom I've done something similar so often, but when someone makes a rape jokes. I usually stand there and go "I don't get it, can you explain it to me?" I get inner joy in watching them squirm for it. 

drunkenwitch

I just want to chime in and say you are not being over sensitive or overreacting, those comments were... I have no words. I'm happy to see your fiance listened to you and has your back. Good luck, and change your user name (it's hard to keep all those knottie number user names straight) and stick around, I think you'd like it round here.

GlamQueenBride

HUGE red flag. Honestly, all wedding plans should be on hold until this is worked out because there's no way in hell I'd join this family knowing this, especially if I'm expecting to have children at some point. Don't you worry about how she'll treat your kids and make them feel self-conscious about who they are?? I'm sorry, but life is tough enough without someone like that being their grandmother. Unless your fiance is willing to cut all ties with her until she gets her act together, I'd put the wedding on hold.

ETA: Sorry, I hadn't seen your update when I wrote my post. I'm glad your fiance stood up to her and that she's leaving early. Disgusting.

AddieCake

I'm glad you talked and that he stepped up. And I'm sorry she is a collasal bitch. Hopefully either she will come around or you won't have to be around her much and have to deal with that shit regularly. Ugh. Big hugs!

MairePoppy

justsie said:

OP I agree with PP's, your FI needs to stand up for you and your relationship to his mother. It is not your job to educate her just because you were born of a certain race. 

Honestly I don't know how you haven't told her to just shove it yet she sounds like the queen of passive aggressive racist remarks. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

I agree with this 100 per cent. Your fi needs to stand up to his mother and tell her that any disrespect toward you will permanently damage her relationship with him. He should never, ever back down. 

You also should take a stand when she spouts off with this bullshit. Call her on it - every time. Embarrass her. No one should politely tolerate racist comments.

ETA, just read your update. You have a fantastic fi. Good job. It's good that your FMIL left early - it shows his words had some impact. I hope she thinks about her behavior and comes to the realization that she should change. 

kimmiinthemitten

OP, thanks for the update! I'm so happy that you and FI were able to talk this through and set boundaries with his mom. I'm hopeful that this can help her see the error in her ways. I have a friend who had very racist, born in the woods of Missisppi family, and they did change when she refused to end her relationship with her then boyfriend. 10 years later, and many friends, boyfriends, and friends kids later, they're a very different family.

LD1970

RlovesR said:

After all, she's not just some random cousin we can leave out of dinner parties. She's his mother.

Point of order:  Just because she's his mother doesn't mean you can't leave her out of dinner parties.  You CAN.  You can cut her out entirely.  And I can tell you, if my mother said such horrible things about my H and it didn't change FAST, I'd be dumping her ass and never speaking to her again.  Mothers are not exempt from being cut off from relationships when they're assholes.

CMGragain

Give her a chance.  She might go home, think about it, and mend her ways.  I am guessing that she is most worried about what her friends will think.  Time will also show her that race is a non-issue in marriage these days.
If she continues her behavior in your presence, you and your FI will have to set up boundaries.  You will need to protect any future children you have from her.
The ideal outcome would be for her to change her behavior.  It could happen.  Good luck!

zitiqueen

LD1970 said:

RlovesR said:

After all, she's not just some random cousin we can leave out of dinner parties. She's his mother.

Point of order:  Just because she's his mother doesn't mean you can't leave her out of dinner parties.  You CAN.  You can cut her out entirely.  And I can tell you, if my mother said such horrible things about my H and it didn't change FAST, I'd be dumping her ass and never speaking to her again.  Mothers are not exempt from being cut off from relationships when they're assholes.

Remember, shared DNA doesn't give people the right to treat you or your FI this way.