Moms and Maids

Need help on how to handle Rehearsal Dinner & Future Mother-In-Law

Here's the back story.... My fiancé and I have been blessed that my parents have offered to pay for the entire wedding with a generous budget and my finance's parents have offered to plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner.  Even though the wedding is not for another 8 months, my FMIL wants to start planning for the rehearsal dinner now, and we haven't finalized the wedding guest list nor send the save-the-dates out yet.  That seems a little odd to me, but I'm accepting the fact that she's retired and a planner, and likes to have things planned as far in advance as possible.  She asked for the RD list the other day and I gave her a list of the 25 that are directly involved in the wedding (including SO's and their kids since those are the only kids that are being invited to the wedding and 2 are in the wedding party and 1 is from out of town), 14 of my out-of-town family (which probably only 5-7 will be able to attend the wedding) and the 20 out-of-town friends and family that are on my MIL's list she gave me for the wedding.  

Here's the dilemma... when I sent her the list she said, "Thanks but the list still needs to be cut down." I don't know who to cut from my side since everyone on that list is extremely important to me and although some aren't directly involved in the rehearsal, I couldn't imagine them not being part of all the wedding festivities.  I don't want to seem like a brat and say my parents are paying a lot of money for the wedding, so why can't she pay for maybe 7 more people when I know she can afford it.  Do I ask her who she thinks should be cut from my wedding party and out-of-town family and then offer to pay for them or just cut them out completely and deal with my family asking why they're not invited?  I am extremely grateful that my fiance's parents even offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but I'm a little offended that they won't include my close, out-of-town family when my parents are paying a lot of money for all of their family and friends at the wedding.

Re: Need help on how to handle Rehearsal Dinner & Future Mother-In-Law

  • Cut the out-of-towners. They will still be at the wedding.

    If you want to spend more time with your OOT guests, plan a casual get-together at the hotel or a nearby bar (unhosted, word of mouth type of thing) after the RD.
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

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    redoryxVicTim328InLoveInQueens
  • Cut the out-of-towners. They will still be at the wedding.

    If you want to spend more time with your OOT guests, plan a casual get-together at the hotel or a nearby bar (unhosted, word of mouth type of thing) after the RD.

    This... or invite them casually to brunch at the hotel on Sunday AM or host one (gift opening) where they're invited. 

    Really, unless they're involved in the wedding itself (plus SO's), there's no reason to invite them to the RD too... 


    InLoveInQueens
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    If your FMIL is hosting the RD, it's her party to plan, however she wishes. You shouldn't expect her to match your parent's level of hospitality. Be careful about offering to pay for your extra guests. Your FMIL might feel insulted that what she has offered isn't good enough for you. KWIM? 

                       
    SP29
  • It sounds like you only really NEED to invite the 25 that are actually involved in the rehearsal plus SOs.

     

    I can see where you're getting hung up on the OOT guests though.  Presumably, your MIL wants her 20 people invited, but not your side's 14.  Is that what the hang up is?  I agree that's kind of bush league, but unfortunately it's your MIL's party, and she can make that call.  Personally?  I'd tell her "thanks for your generosity, but we'd prefer to host it ourselves so that we can invite more people" and move on.  Or offer to supplement her budget so that the extra people from your side can attend (if only 5-7 of them wind up making the trip, this shouldn't be too expensive for you).

     

    However, if she is arguing that any of the 25 people who are involved in the ceremony should be cut, i'd call her out on that.  yes, if their children aren't in the wedding they don't have to come, but if members of the bridal party are from OOT and you know they won't have a sitter, i think it's really nice of you to invite the kids so that they can attend.  If FMIL won't accept that these 25 people NEED to be invited, you will have to host it yourself.  It is non-negotiable that the wedding party and their SOs be invited to the rehearsal dinner. 

    ryanandjoe4InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    PPs have given great advice. I get that it's important to you to have OOT guests invited. It was VERY important to me. I hosted my own RD so this was never an issue.

    Also, to help shift your thinking about your parents spending vs his parents spending, keep in mind that your parents are giving you a GIFT of paying for the wedding. And your FILs are giving you a GIFT of paying for the RD. Gifts should be accepted graciously and not expected. You would never complain that your FILs gave you a lesser holiday gift than your parents. You'd just appreciate the gift and move on because no one owes you a gift. If one of my other friends gives my best friend a HUGE birthday gift, am I required to match it? Of course not. NO ONE is expected to pay for anything related to your wedding except you and FI.
    InLoveInQueens
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2015
    Agree with all of the above.

    I would ask your FMIL what number of guests she is comfortable hosting and go from there. 

    The only people required are anyone directly involved with the rehearsal- which is the WP and their SOs. (And these people NEED to be invited- don't like FMIL sway you on that one). 

    I would not try to make this tit for tat- FMIL isn't responsible to host your OOT guests at the RD because your parents graciously offered to host many of her friends/family. That is what they offered- if they had a problem with that, it should have been dealt with initially, just as FMIL is doing now. 


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