Wedding Etiquette Forum

2 Brides: Am I inconsiderate or is she selfish?

edited November 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Apologies in advance for the length, but I really need advice from Brides-to-be! 

My fiancé is very close with his younger brother and cousin. 
The cousin proposed on Dec 20, 2014 and the brother proposed on Dec 25, 2014. We became engaged on April 18, 2015. 

On the Dec 25, 2014 (right before the brothers proposals), the cousin & fiance announced they were planning a destination wedding tentatively in Sep 2016. 

The brother and his finance were secretly married at the JOP in March 2015 and in early May, we received STDs for their destination wedding in June 2016. 

My fiancé is a groomsman in both his cousin's and brothers weddings.

As none of us are rolling in money, I immediately realized that planning a wedding and attending 2 others would be tight. 
Especially for:
1. us as we would be paying for our own local wedding and attending 2 destinations weddings and 
2. his family who will be celebrating and/or traveling to 3 weddings. 

My fiancé and I really struggled with how to plan a wedding of our own that we would enjoy without breaking the bank AFTER we are already spending thousands attending 2 other destination weddings. Nonetheless, we knew would not wait longer than a year to get married.  

I did initially get all caught up in planning my Pinterest dream wedding, but reality struck. While my family is looking forward to an extravagant event, I really had no desire to overspend on 1 day when we have a mortgage and kid in private school, so I am ok with not having a huge over the top affair. I am happy (and would have no regrets) as long as I get to wear a great dress/shoes and have great pictures! 

I speak with the brother’s fiancé regularly and I consider her a friend. We have recently been working out together to get 'wedding ready’. She is well aware of the situation that we are in and that I have given up on planning out of frustration and because my soul couldn't live with a 20K party.  

My fiancé and I (FINALLY!) agreed to have a small intimate ceremony in Central Park (which is local to us and our families) where we could have an amazing photoshoot followed by a reception. I am pretty creative and resourceful so I know I can make our day special regardless of the scale.  In choosing a date, although I preferred April (to avoid wedding season madness), my fiancé chose end of May 2016 to increase our chances of better weather and take advantage of the long Memorial Day Weekend. He isn’t asking for much else input so I can live with May. 
This would be about 3-4 weeks before the brothers wedding. 

Now, I had assumed that all 3 couples were aware of the situation and that we would do our best to accommodate and support each other during this AWESOME year we would all be married. 

A few days ago, I shared my excitement over FINALLY agreeing on a tentative date  and planning our wedding with my future sister in law. (Tentative as the permit has to be approved). At first her response was ‘NICE’. She later text me that she felt a way that we would be inconsiderate to plan a wedding 3 weeks before her wedding. She finds it odd that a brother would plan a wedding so close to his own brother’s wedding which had planned for close to a year (?). She had assumed we would wait until 2017 to get married. She confirmed that they have no plans yet for that weekend, but felt that we should NOT plan anything in case they wanted to have their bachelorette/ bachelor party that weekend. She conferred with others and they all felt I was wrong. 

I was completely caught off guard. 
At first I felt bad that she thought we were being inconsiderate (I consider her a friend) and I tried to minimize our wedding and reassure her that we were not taking away from their wedding. I also tried to explain that we are asking for nothing from them. 

Then I got upset. my feelings are hurt that she would think her ONE day is any more special than my ONE day. She did not acknowledge that we did not hesitate to RSVP and are spending thousands to attend their wedding (and the cousin’s), even though it is not in our best interest financially as we plan our own special ONE DAY. 
Her destination wedding guests list is set and tickets are paid for. Nothing we do can impact her wedding. 
I can’t believe she would even suggest that we would wait another year to get married when she herself felt it necessary to elope for 'business reason' a full 15 months before her ‘real wedding’. 
Furthermore, I can’t believe she would even mention inconsiderate after planning a second destination for their family to attend knowing that it would cause financial strain for everyone, especially us!.  
I guess I was born without the Bridezilla gene because I can’t imagine telling someone that their wedding date bothered me. Anything besides CONGRATS is rude, unnecessary and downright selfish!

By her theory, we could not get married in May/June OR August/Sept. I guess since we were the last to get engaged, we have no right to expect to be married when we want to. WTF?????
 
Our entire exchange was by text so I am hoping that maybe i misunderstood her somehow so I suggested we have a face to face. (Something tells me that I understood perfectly!)
Before we talk, I just need to know, am I inconsiderate or is she selfish?

Best Answers

  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Answer ✓

    My cousin got married almost a month to the day before us...  At the end of the day you are not stealing her thunder, and if anything, she's already married and just going for a dress-up party redo which if she was a bride coming here asking for advice would be fried at the stake!  You only get one wedding day, she already had hers whether she wants to admit it to herself or not. 

    Yes, you likely understood her perfectly...  But when it comes to your wedding, is yours a DW for most of your family or not?  The reason I ask is 3 DW Weddings in that short of time is going to involve guests picking and choosing which wedding to attend.  Three weeks difference may make a strain on many who will opt out of going to one or both.  It happens, it's life.  In a few years you'll laugh about the proximity of dates, but right now, she wants her PPP date even though she's been married for a while, if her potential guests know this, chances are they'll opt out of the extra expense of going to hers which is probably what she's being fearful of...

  • Answer ✓

    Apologies in advance for the length, but I really need advice from Brides-to-be! 

    My fiancé is very close with his younger brother and cousin. 
    The cousin proposed on Dec 20, 2014 and the brother proposed on Dec 25, 2014. We became engaged on April 18, 2015. 

    On the Dec 25, 2014 (right before the brothers proposals), the cousin & fiance announced they were planning a destination wedding tentatively in Sep 2016. 

    The brother and his finance were secretly married at the JOP in March 2015 and in early May, we received STDs for their destination wedding in June 2016. 

    My fiancé is a groomsman in both his cousin's and brothers weddings.


    As none of us are rolling in money, I immediately realized that planning a wedding and attending 2 others would be tight. 
    Especially for:
    1. us as we would be paying for our own local wedding and attending 2 destinations weddings and 
    2. his family who will be celebrating and/or traveling to 3 weddings. 

    My fiancé and I really struggled with how to plan a wedding of our own that we would enjoy without breaking the bank AFTER we are already spending thousands attending 2 other destination weddings. Nonetheless, we knew would not wait longer than a year to get married.  

    I did initially get all caught up in planning my Pinterest dream wedding, but reality struck. While my family is looking forward to an extravagant event, I really had no desire to overspend on 1 day when we have a mortgage and kid in private school, so I am ok with not having a huge over the top affair. I am happy (and would have no regrets) as long as I get to wear a great dress/shoes and have great pictures! 

    I speak with the brother’s fiancé regularly and I consider her a friend. We have recently been working out together to get 'wedding ready’. She is well aware of the situation that we are in and that I have given up on planning out of frustration and because my soul couldn't live with a 20K party.  

    My fiancé and I (FINALLY!) agreed to have a small intimate ceremony in Central Park where we could have an amazing photoshoot followed by a reception. I am pretty creative and resourceful so I know I can make our day special regardless of the scale.  In choosing a date, although I preferred April (to avoid wedding season madness), my fiancé chose end of May 2016 to increase our chances of better weather and take advantage of the long Memorial Day Weekend. He isn’t asking for much else input so I can live with May. 
    This would be about 3-4 weeks before the brothers wedding. 

    Now, I had assumed that all 3 couples were aware of the situation and that we would do our best to accommodate and support each other during this AWESOME year we would all be married. 

    A few days ago, I shared my excitement over FINALLY agreeing on a tentative date  and planning our wedding with my future sister in law. (Tentative as the permit has to be approved). At first her response was ‘NICE’. She later text me that she felt a way that we would be inconsiderate to plan a wedding 3 weeks before her wedding. She finds it odd that a brother would plan a wedding so close to his own brother’s wedding which had planned for close to a year (?). She had assumed we would wait until 2017 to get married. She confirmed that they have no plans yet for that weekend, but felt that we should NOT plan anything in case they wanted to have their bachelorette/ bachelor party that weekend. She conferred with others and they all felt I was wrong. 

    I was completely caught off guard. 
    At first I felt bad that she thought we were being inconsiderate (I consider her a friend) and I tried to minimize our wedding and reassure her that we were not taking away from their wedding. I also tried to explain that we are asking for nothing from them. 

    Then I got upset. my feelings are hurt that she would think her ONE day is any more special than my ONE day. She did not acknowledge that we did not hesitate to RSVP and are spending thousands to attend their wedding (and the cousin’s), even though it is not in our best interest financially as we plan our own special ONE DAY. 
    Her destination wedding guests list is set and tickets are paid for. Nothing we do can impact her wedding. 
    I can’t believe she would even suggest that we would wait another year to get married when she herself felt it necessary to elope for 'business reason' a full 15 months before her ‘real wedding’. 
    Furthermore, I can’t believe she would even mention inconsiderate after planning a second destination for their family to attend knowing that it would cause financial strain for everyone, especially us!.  
    I guess I was born without the Bridezilla gene because I can’t imagine telling someone that their wedding date bothered me. Anything besides CONGRATS is rude, unnecessary and downright selfish!

    By her theory, we could not get married in May/June OR August/Sept. I guess since we were the last to get engaged, we have no right to expect to be married when we want to. WTF?????
     
    Our entire exchange was by text so I am hoping that maybe i misunderstood her somehow so I suggested we have a face to face. (Something tells me that I understood perfectly!)
    Before we talk, I just need to know, am I inconsiderate or is she selfish?
    A few points:
    1) They are already married. 2) She gets a day (weekend), and you get a day (weekend). That's it.
«13

Answers

  • Thanks everyone for your responses. I am so confused as to why anyone would think her behavior is normal, acceptable or even realistic!

    Just to clarify, I am NOT having a destination wedding. Central Park is local to us. We would only be asking guests to deal with the headache of parking in the city. 
  • Of course I don't know what you and your FI want in life so I'm projecting some of my own feelings but I just can't imagine anyone who loves me or even remotely cares about me wanting me to put off my family planning which I wanted to wait to try to conceive until after marriage, or becoming Hs next of kin, and all of the zillions of benefits married couples have. She is ludicrous to me. And your plans don't keep her from having her party so it's even more baffling. I'd be so embarrased if I reacted the way she reacted to you.
  • lc07 said:
    Of course I don't know what you and your FI want in life so I'm projecting some of my own feelings but I just can't imagine anyone who loves me or even remotely cares about me wanting me to put off my family planning which I wanted to wait to try to conceive until after marriage, or becoming Hs next of kin, and all of the zillions of benefits married couples have. She is ludicrous to me. And your plans don't keep her from having her party so it's even more baffling. I'd be so embarrased if I reacted the way she reacted to you.
    My fiancé is baffled by it and claims it 'must be a girl thing' which really frustrates me because not a single 'girl' I know can make sense of it. He also refuses to talk to his brother about 'nonsense' so I have no idea how he feels about it. 
    I think the reason this has been driving me crazy for the past 4 days is because I like her and thought we were friends. I just cant imagine I would be anything other than happy for a friends wedding. So disappointed :(
  • Thank you all for letting me vent......I was annoyed that she spoke to others and they all agreed I was inconsiderate. I have been feeling crazy!
    But then again, I doubt she told the ENTIRE story.
  • Personally, I wouldn't meet face to face to talk or discuss it again. You have a date, she has a dats, and she will just have to get over it!

    I agree. She was rude and selfish even to bring it up. It's not up to her when anyone else is married.
  • I wouldn't bring it up, ignore the crazy.  If she brings it up then shut it down, tell her its the date that works for you.  Do not apologize or say anything that will make her think she is right, she is not.

  • A few days ago, I shared my excitement over FINALLY agreeing on a tentative date  and planning our wedding with my future sister in law. (Tentative as the permit has to be approved). At first her response was ‘NICE’. She later text me that she felt a way that we would be inconsiderate to plan a wedding 3 weeks before her wedding. She finds it odd that a brother would plan a wedding so close to his own brother’s wedding which had planned for close to a year (?). She had assumed we would wait until 2017 to get married. She confirmed that they have no plans yet for that weekend, but felt that we should NOT plan anything in case they wanted to have their bachelorette/ bachelor party that weekend. She conferred with others and they all felt I was wrong. 

    I agree with all the PPs and would just like to add, re: the bolded, what the hell?  So she took a poll of her friends/acquaintances, and then tried to cite that as evidence of your wrongness? 
    httpak-hdlbuzzfedcomstaticenhancedweb05201210220anigif_enhanced-buzz-13418-1349223535-0gif

    You're a better person than I am, because I would not pay $100 to watch a reenactment of someone's wedding a year later, let alone thousands, especially if I were already planning my own wedding. 

  • acaton5 said:
    She is selfish, which shouldn't be a great surprise given the fact that she is dragging a bunch of people to a destination PPD. She is already married (regardless of reason) and it's already rather generous of you to take time off and fly to this thing. Also, she gets one day. Just one. I would be frustrated and angry too. 
    This.  ALL OF THIS.  You are a very generous and caring person to even go to her PPD, especially since the cost to do so is coming out of the budget for your own wedding.  if she can't see that, i don't see why you'd even want to be friends with her.  Tolerate her at family functions, and move on.
  • edited November 2015

    PPs have the crazy FSIL thing covered, but I'd like to talk more about your wedding plans.

    Will there be chairs for everyone in Central Park? What will everyone else be doing during this "amazing photo shoot"? What do you plan to do for the reception?

    I mean, it's fine to have priorities and it's not up to me to tell you what should be important to you, but the fact that your most important things are "a great dress and shoes and pictures" rubs me the wrong way. What about your guests? Don't you want to treat them well? Don't make poorly planned and hosted weddings a family trend.

    Edited for typo. Edited again to finish a thought.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • banana468 said:
    I'd be very vocal that you hope your wedding isn't conflicting with their vow renewal and you're not sure why they would still think they're having bachelor and bachelorette parties because they're already married. Do all the guests know they're attending a sham wedding? If they don't, I would make your phrasing particular so it's known that they are.
    In all fairness, I had never heard of a PPD (until reading the FAQs here yesterday) so when she told me they would be eloping for 'business reasons' and having a real wedding later, I told her we would support whatever they choose to do. My fiancé was their witness and I was the photographer. She ABSOLUTELY does not recognize that they are married now.  
    My motto is generally 'if you like it, i love it' but now reading about a PPD and it totally makes sense to me! 

  • Heffalump said:

    A few days ago, I shared my excitement over FINALLY agreeing on a tentative date  and planning our wedding with my future sister in law. (Tentative as the permit has to be approved). At first her response was ‘NICE’. She later text me that she felt a way that we would be inconsiderate to plan a wedding 3 weeks before her wedding. She finds it odd that a brother would plan a wedding so close to his own brother’s wedding which had planned for close to a year (?). She had assumed we would wait until 2017 to get married. She confirmed that they have no plans yet for that weekend, but felt that we should NOT plan anything in case they wanted to have their bachelorette/ bachelor party that weekend. She conferred with others and they all felt I was wrong. 

    I agree with all the PPs and would just like to add, re: the bolded, what the hell?  So she took a poll of her friends/acquaintances, and then tried to cite that as evidence of your wrongness? 
    httpak-hdlbuzzfedcomstaticenhancedweb05201210220anigif_enhanced-buzz-13418-1349223535-0gif

    You're a better person than I am, because I would not pay $100 to watch a reenactment of someone's wedding a year later, let alone thousands, especially if I were already planning my own wedding. 

    I think her getting a 'consensus' that I was inconsiderate was the tipping point for me. Especially knowing that she simply said 'she is planning a wedding 3 weeks before mine' without all of the details! And even if i was, so WHAT! 
    And I can't find a single person who thinks I am wrong. 
  • PPs have the crazy FSIL thing covered, but I'd like to talk more about your wedding plans.

    Will there be chairs for everyone in Central Park? What will everyone else be doing during this "amazing photo shoot"? What do you plan to do for the reception?

    I mean, it's fine to have priorities and it's not up to me to tell you what should be important to you, but the fact that your most important things are "a great dress and shoes and pictures" rubs me the wrong way. What about your guests? Don't you want to treat them well? Don't make poorly planned and hosted weddings a family trend.

    Edited for typo. Edited again to finish a thought.

    Thanks for asking. Here is my plan so far:
    We will have a 'first look' photoshoot  captured by a photojournalist in the park before the ceremony. The location of the ceremony that I have chosen is a beautiful gazebo with a few benches (I am concerned there isn't enough seating). After the ceremony, we will take pictures with our guests (asking that they wear all black) and provide a light snack (something along the lines of sparkling juice and pastries) while we continue to take pictures in the park.The guests will then go to a restaurant for a lunch reception where we will join them. 
    Right now, my biggest headache is that parking in NYC is a nightmare and i would to hate to make people pay for parking twice so I am considering renting a bus or having the reception outside of the city. 
    I'm not a very girly girl (i don't care for flowers and all that frilly stuff) but I love pictures. I am more focused on having and capturing a memorable ceremony than decorating a big hall (no offense to anyone, but that's not for me). The goal is for our ceremony to reflect US (we are non-traditional weirdos) and include our close family and friends. 
    Not sure what the rules are for sharing links, but if you google Central Park Wedding or elopement you can get an idea of what I am planning for the ceremony in the park. 



  • PPs have the crazy FSIL thing covered, but I'd like to talk more about your wedding plans.

    Will there be chairs for everyone in Central Park? What will everyone else be doing during this "amazing photo shoot"? What do you plan to do for the reception?

    I mean, it's fine to have priorities and it's not up to me to tell you what should be important to you, but the fact that your most important things are "a great dress and shoes and pictures" rubs me the wrong way. What about your guests? Don't you want to treat them well? Don't make poorly planned and hosted weddings a family trend.

    Edited for typo. Edited again to finish a thought.


    Thanks for asking. Here is my plan so far:
    We will have a 'first look' photoshoot  captured by a photojournalist in the park before the ceremony. The location of the ceremony that I have chosen is a beautiful gazebo with a few benches (I am concerned there isn't enough seating). After the ceremony, we will take pictures with our guests (asking that they wear all black) and provide a light snack (something along the lines of sparkling juice and pastries) while we continue to take pictures in the park.The guests will then go to a restaurant for a lunch reception where we will join them. 
    Right now, my biggest headache is that parking in NYC is a nightmare and i would to hate to make people pay for parking twice so I am considering renting a bus or having the reception outside of the city. 
    I'm not a very girly girl (i don't care for flowers and all that frilly stuff) but I love pictures. I am more focused on having and capturing a memorable ceremony than decorating a big hall (no offense to anyone, but that's not for me). The goal is for our ceremony to reflect US (we are non-traditional weirdos) and include our close family and friends. 
    Not sure what the rules are for sharing links, but if you google Central Park Wedding or elopement you can get an idea of what I am planning for the ceremony in the park. 



    A) please figure out the chairs situation

    B) you cannot ask them all to wear black. That's very rude.

    C) I don't want to come into NYC for your ceremony and then get bussed outside the city for the reception. There are hundreds of restaurants within easy walking distance (or a short cab ride for people who don't walk well) of Central Park. Pick one of them.

    D) please make sure people aren't waiting around on photos.
  • I also agree with Starmoon about having the reception at a restaurant near Central Park.  You are in the midst of a city with a hundred amazing restaurants.  It would be silly to ask people to come to your ceremony only to then bus them out of the city when you have a crap ton of restaurant choices nearby.

  • WOW! I had no idea there were such strong feelings about requesting a color. LOL. We are considering the 'guests' a part of the ceremony and don't think this will be an issue, but I will poll everyone to be sure. thanks for the heads-up. 
    We would not be bussing anyone out of the city for a reception. We would either bus guests to the park and then the reception OR have a reception outside of the city (closer to our home) to avoid the parking. 
  • 1) Make sure you have enough chairs for all your guests.  Nobody should be expected to stand.  That's basic courtesy.

    2) If you want your ceremony to be in Central Park, then the reception needs to be in NYC too-going anywhere outside the city can be a very long ride over traffic-congested bridges or through tunnels.  I'd consider having the reception at a restaurant near the park.  Those do tend to be expensive, but you might be able to get a good deal.

    3) Do not dictate what your guests should wear.  It's rude and very off-putting.  

    4) A light snack might not be enough to keep your guests going while you take photos-let them go ahead to the reception venue and arrange for a cocktail hour there with sufficient drinks and appetizers.  Don't have a photo shoot longer than about an hour or so-keeping your guests waiting for you to finish with the photography would be rude and inconsiderate.

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2015

    WOW! I had no idea there were such strong feelings about requesting a color. LOL. We are considering the 'guests' a part of the ceremony and don't think this will be an issue, but I will poll everyone to be sure. thanks for the heads-up. 
    We would not be bussing anyone out of the city for a reception. We would either bus guests to the park and then the reception OR have a reception outside of the city (closer to our home) to avoid the parking. 

    If you're thinking it's okay to make everyone wear one color because you've decided somehow that every single guest is the equivalent of a bridesmaid, you are wrong. It's still rude.
    Don't poll them. Just because they won't tell you to your face that you are rude doesn't mean it isn't true.

    If you have the ceremony in Central Park, the reception should be near by. No one wants to schlep into the city for your ceremony and then back out again for the reception.

    Nougatine is lovely. LandMarc. Alice's Tea Cup on the east side- you can use the entire upstairs for a private party and they do a fantastic lunch. It's really not that hard.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards