Wedding Etiquette Forum

2 Brides: Am I inconsiderate or is she selfish?

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Answers

  • You're right about one thing and that's the part about it being YOUR (and your FI's!) wedding. So you get to wear what YOU like that day.. If you want to turn up in a sparkly onesie then go for it. But you really cannot impose that on your guests. You're correct that your loved ones probably want to show you that they're happy for you and to mark the special occasion by making an effort, outfit wise - but that does not mean you can state a uniform. The nice thing (I think) about wedding photos is looking back and really seeing the people in the pictures.. Complete with nana's giant pink hat or dad's blue kipper tie. These are the clothes that make your guests feel good! That's why they wanted to wear them to watch you get married.

    Whether you intended it or not, the way you have expressed your 'vision' here makes it sound like you don't really care what time people have at your wedding as long as the clothes, shoes and pictures are good. I'm sure (or hope) this isn't what you really mean and the knotties here want you to recognise that before you make decisions that later on you'll regret. Pictures are important because they help us to remember the great time we had, surrounded by friends and family. Try to remember above all else that the point of the wedding is to be married at the end, not to have forced everyone to buy a black outfit.

    I posted somewhere else about a wedding I went to years ago where the invite asked the guests to wear a shade of blue. I went, I wore blue, and I was mildly weirded out about it but I put on a happy face because the bride was someone I cared about and I wanted her to have a great day. Whenever I think about that wedding all I can remember is how odd the whole thing was. People here just don't want you to put yourself in the same position.
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  • Well that escalated quickly! More of you chimed in to JUDGE plans for MY wedding than actually answered the original question. #meangirls

    #FFS #Youbroughtitup

    You brought your wedding plans on the Etiquette, so we are going to bring up the etiquette faux pas in your wedding plans.

    Not sure what I said to make you all think that I was asking for your opinion of my wedding colors....because I wasn't. But a sincere thanks to everyone who answered the question I posted.

    Not sure why you think any of is need to be expressly asked to give our opinions.  This is a discussion forum. . .we discuss our opinions on anything and everything that is posted.

    My idea of MY wedding is celebrating our love and union with friends and family. People we trust. Not people who would lie to us about liking our color choice. I have no interest in a competition or trying to make people as comfortable as possible so they give us the biggest check possible. In fact, we are considering asking that gifts not be given. Lastly, this experience has made me keenly aware that you can't please everyone! And at this point, there are only 2 people who require pleasing.

    You can choice whatever colors you like for your wedding party, your decor, etc.  You can also be so gauche and tacky as to ask your guests, who are in no way part of your wedding party, to wear a specific color.  And then can feel free to rill their eyes at you at your controlling attempt to get pretty pictures and then wear whatever the fuck the want to wear.  Are you going to kick ppl out of your public ceremony in Central Park if they aren't wearing black?

    And the point of making your guests as comfortable as possible isn't so you can get money from them, it's because you are presumably a decent human being who actual cares about the comfort of your guests.  However it's pretty clear from the attitude of this post you don't actually give a flying rat's ass about your guests.  They are just props for your wedding vision.

    Typically when you host an event, your priority is pleasing your guests, not yourself.  That entire paragraph was just fucking gross.

    YOUR idea of what will look nice at YOUR wedding is nice for YOU. If you like it, I LOVE it. There is no requirement for you to like mine. See how that works. Nice right? And lucky for you, you aren't marrying me.

    A black & white wedding is timeless, classic, & chic. Always. Regardless of the season, month, or time of day. That's my opinion and I think you all would agree that's really the only one that counts on MY day. I don't judge you for stuffing 17 of your besties into awkwardly colored bridesmaids dresses at your wedding so please don't judge me for asking my sisters and besties to wear black. K? For the record, from the moment I was engaged, they knew about this and were relieved and loved the idea of being able to choose their own black dress rather than being forced to wear a cookie cutter one time wear bridesmaids dress.

    Check your judgement, please.  You have no fucking idea what we asked our BMs to wear, K?   In fact, many of us gave them a color or color palette and let them choose whatever dress they wanted.

    Your husband doesn't have a black suit so I am assuming he also doesn't own a tuxedo. If invited to a black tie wedding, I also assume he would rent or buy one. Same if you had were invited to a 'cocktail attire' event. Of course, I am also assuming this is an event you want to attend. Not sure how this is any different.

    My husband also doesn't own a black suit. . . most men do not as they are generally not deemed fashionable or appropriate outside of funerals.  He also doesn't own a tuxedo, but he sure as hell doesn't rent one to attend a "cocktail attire" event.  1. Because that's a made up, bullshit code of fashion and 2. Any of his dark grey or blue suits are appropriate for a typical, formal event.

    If we were actually invited to a real black tie function, one that actual meets the proper criteria and isn't just code for "I'm a controlling bride who just wants everyone to dress up so my pictures look good," then he's rent a tux.

    For what it's worth, I just attended a black & white birthday gala in August and the event was elegant and the pictures were stunning. And not a single person died of a heat stroke...and we were wearing GOWNS! GASP!

    Good for you.  I'm glad your circle is so classy and that the pictures were stunning.

    However, if you are interested, do a quick Pinterest or google search for 'black & white summer wedding', you might find that you like it more than you realize. 

    I get it, I posted in a wedding forum asking for advice so I guess I kinda opened myself up to this. You girls have way too much wedding energy for me. I'm now 1000% convinced I was born without the 'petty girl Bridezilla gene'. I have absolutely not an ounce of care to give to the next persons wedding....if you like it, I love it.

    So you came here seeking validation that your SIL was being ridiculous, then brought up details of your own wedding, and now when we try to tell you that you are also being a bit ridiculous, you try and disparage us by claiming we are petty and Bridezillas. . .

    We are the Bridezillas because we care about the comfort and treatment of your guests, at an event that you are hosting?

    I don't think you know what the term Bridezilla actually means.

    Thanks again to everyone who actually answered the question I posted!



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • OP, did we perhaps misunderstand you? Are you ONLY asking your bridesmaids and groomsmen to wear black? If that's the case, that's totally fine and I'm sure will look great.
    But if you're asking ALL guests to wear black then that is rude and controlling even if it is your wedding.

    When you invite people to a wedding it stops being just about you and your groom. You become hosts and a good host sees to the comfort of their guests because that is the right thing to do.

    These are your honored guests. The people you love and care for. They are taking time out of their holiday weekend to watch you get married. Treating them as props for pictures by dictating a color is disrespectful to your nearest and dearest.

    When you invite people to a wedding a good hostess (aka a non-bridezilla) takes her guests' comfort into account. This means a seat for every butt. This means an indoor wedding if it rains (what will you do if it rains?). This means inviting everyone's significant others. This means not mentioning gifts in any way to your guests. This means having the ceremony and reception site no more than 30 minutes (45 is really pushing it) away from each other as to not waste guests' time with long commutes.This means hosting everyone to the proper refreshments for the time of day, at a reception promptly following ceremony. This means giving the benefit of the doubt that your adult guests know how to dress themselves and treating them like people instead of props.

    If you cannot do these things then you and your fiance need to elope instead. Hire models to wear black and mingle around the gazebo for your photoshoot.

    A good person does not value pictures' color scheme over treating her friends and family with respect.
  • Serious question, OP: what are you going to do if one of your guests forgets about the request that they wear black and acciedntally wears green or something?  Would you not allow them to be in the pictures with the rest of your guests because they weren't in the uniform?  Or would you have them in the picture, where, assuming everyone else remembered to wear black, they would stick out like a sore thumb?  I mean someone could easily forget about this.  or wear red just to piss you off ( i can see your FSIL doing that, BTW, unless she is a bridesmaid i guess).

     

    If your gut in this situation is to say "oh well" and take the pictures as planned...ok i guess that's fine?  but if you're sitting at your computer thinking "OMG if someone did that i would have to keep them out of the pictures because they would be ruined," then you are treating your vision as more important than your guests.  Reconsider.  Your guests are your nearest and dearest.  Treat them respectfully and let them wear whatever they want.  Trust me, you will still stand out - you'll be the one in the big white dress.

     

    I get that you have a vision.  right now, your wedding seems like the most important thing in the entire world.  but once it has past you wil realize it was just one day out of your life, and it's not this massive all-consuming deal.  Your guests will be with you for many years to come (hopefully) - treating them respectfully is far more important than having your pictures look a certain way.

     

    And just a note: i have been a guest at several weddings where there weren't enough seats at either the ceremony and/or reception and i HATED THAT.  Several of these weddings were extremely expensive affairs, so i was astonished and confused as to why they couldn't rent a few extra chairs.  Trust me, people want to sit.  especially if they had to walk a long way through the park to get to your location.  Make sure you have a seat for every butt.  In my opinion, seating is more important than almost anything else - certainly more than music, flowers, drink selection, etc - so cut the budget elsewhere to provide this.

  • As a guest at a very small wedding, I'd presumably be very close to either the bride or groom so in this situation I would find the request strange but I would comply. I would take my 'funeral' dress out of the closet and wear it to the wedding, feeling very uncomfortable because I hate the idea of wearing black to wedding (personal preference I know, but that's how I feel) and feeling disappointed that I'm not wearing one of my pretty dresses that I don't get the opportunity to wear very often. I would never tell the bride or groom because I wouldn't want to upset them but I would probably remember the wedding for the odd request and not for fun and happy reasons.

    Your guests aren't going to tell you they are uncomfortable precisely because they are your nearest and dearest so please listen to the advice here. When there's such an overwhelming consensus, there's normally a reason.  
  • OP, you do realize that "black tie" does not mean your guests will necessarily show up in black right?

    Black tie refers to the formality of an event, not the colour that people wear. With black tie it is also up to the hosts to in fact host a black tie event. From the plans you have shared with us, you are not hosting a black tie event.

    While you are more than fine to choose your decor and have a say in what your WP wears, it is not appropriate to dictate your guests attire in any way.

    I had 2 ladies on my side. I gave them a colour and told them to pick whatever dress they wanted. The both chose 2 very different dresses. Awesome! 

    The point of etiquette is to treat your guest well and fairly. It has nothing to do with money or gifts. In fact it is the opposite of that. You insinuating that is what everyone here is suggesting is quite rude to all the posters here. And you never mention gifts, even if you don't want them, because saying you don't want them means there was an expectation in the first place- which there isn't. 
  • SP29 said:
    OP, you do realize that "black tie" does not mean your guests will necessarily show up in black right?

    Black tie refers to the formality of an event, not the colour that people wear. With black tie it is also up to the hosts to in fact host a black tie event. From the plans you have shared with us, you are not hosting a black tie event.

    While you are more than fine to choose your decor and have a say in what your WP wears, it is not appropriate to dictate your guests attire in any way.

    I had 2 ladies on my side. I gave them a colour and told them to pick whatever dress they wanted. The both chose 2 very different dresses. Awesome! 

    The point of etiquette is to treat your guest well and fairly. It has nothing to do with money or gifts. In fact it is the opposite of that. You insinuating that is what everyone here is suggesting is quite rude to all the posters here. And you never mention gifts, even if you don't want them, because saying you don't want them means there was an expectation in the first place- which there isn't. 
    This.  I could be invited to a black tie event and wear a blue gown.  Still would be consdiered black tie.  And OP is definitely not hosting a black tie event, as it is impossible to have a black tie event in the daytime, and her ceremony is outdoors in a park so...you do the math.
  • I had to Google this because I couldn't believe it would be a thing to have all your guests wear one colour.  So weird!  I guess black isn't as outrageous as yellow, but still.  How are you going to feel being in the room filled with everyone else wearing the exact same colour.

    FWIW I did look at "black and white wedding" on Pinterest, and I do love that colour scheme.  It's great for bridesmaids, cakes, decor and flowers.  Did not see one picture with all the wedding guests in black, though.

    I'm also curious what OP would do if someone wore something non-black, but it seems unlikely that she's coming back to answer.
  • Yeah, I feel like there would definitely be at least one defiant guest who would wear something other than black because they don't like being told what to wear, or they decide they aren't going to spend money on new clothes to go to a wedding as a guest.
  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2015
    Yep, you run the very real risk of someone wearing a colour because they forgot the scheme and spending the whole event embarrassed to be there, or of someone wearing a colour because they didn't want to/couldn't afford to get something black and spending the whole event pissed off.

    The best case scenario is someone wearing black and spending the whole event weirded out by your request because no guest is going to be happy about being told what to wear.
  • I'm not sure how we got from answering her question about her future sister-in-law to telling her how she should have her wedding but here's my 2 cents.
    1. I think the future sis-in-law is out of line.
    2. I think you are smart to talk to her face to face about it. You will be family, it's always best to at least attempt to get along.
    3. Have YOUR wedding, have it where you want..however you want. It's your wedding! I'm sure it will be beautiful. 
  • conijean said:

    3. Have YOUR wedding, have it where you want..however you want. It's your wedding! I'm sure it will be beautiful. 

    Stop it. Just stop.

  • conijean said:
    3. Have YOUR wedding, have it where you want..however you want. It's your wedding! I'm sure it will be beautiful. 
    This is absolute bullshit and saying this leads to people doing some really rude and hurtful things to their nearest and dearest because it's "their wedding and they should do what they want". As soon as guest are invited it ceases to be entirely about the couple and becomes about being a good host and treating your guests properly. If you want to do whatever you want, elope, then you don't have to consider anyone else but your SO. Otherwise, no, you can't just do whatever you want.
  • conijean said:
    I'm not sure how we got from answering her question about her future sister-in-law to telling her how she should have her wedding but here's my 2 cents.
    1. I think the future sis-in-law is out of line.
    2. I think you are smart to talk to her face to face about it. You will be family, it's always best to at least attempt to get along.
    3. Have YOUR wedding, have it where you want..however you want. It's your wedding! I'm sure it will be beautiful. 

    It's an etiquette board. OP is proposing ideas that are against etiquette.
    We want to help OP throw a successful wedding where guests are hosted properly and aren't treated as props forced to buy uniforms.
    Lurkers read these threads, so it's important that we call out bad etiquette ideas. We don't validate ideas here that are against etiquette.
    Does that clear it up for you?
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